I battle against powerful evil creatures with my super cool sword skills.

I'm slowly losing against them, but then I get a power up and I do a finishing move which makes the whole world go white-

-?: "Wake up Chis! Breakfast is ready!"

I slowly start to open my eyes, but the bright light from the window makes me close them once again. I open them once again. They slowly adjust to the brightness, as I get off my bed, more energized than ever.

Chisou: "Coming!"

I get dressed as fast as I can and run to the kitchen.

I take a seat at the table where my mom and sister are already sitting.

For breakfast today we were having nothing out of the ordinary, but that didn't matter to me. I start putting all the food I can into my mouth as fast as possible.

mom: "You look extremely happy today."

Chisou: "Of courfe I am! I finally got a fword I can train with! I even got trained by Cilob!" I say, as some food starts to fall from my mouth.

mom: "I understand how excited you are, but don't talk with food in your mouth, alright?"

Chisou: "Mhm." I nod.

All of us eat our food in silence. My sister finishes first, so she stands up from the table and goes to the front door.

sister: "I'm going out!" She says right before leaving.

I noticed that she was more energized than usual.

I finish my breakfast second, so I grab the wooden sword that was lying next to the door and run outside as well.

Chisou: "Bye mom!"

mom: "Good luck sweetheart."

...

mom: "*sigh* Thank you Cylob."

.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.

I'm now outside, practicing the sword. I do the swings just as Cylob taught me.

I do one swing, two swings, five swings, ten swings, twenty swings. All for the sake of learning the sword.

After a bunch more swings I get tired and plop down on the ground.

This is so hard. But I have to be strong, so I have to keep going.

I stand up and start swinging the sword again.

I Swing and swing and swing and swing and swi-

?: "Take a break, jeez." I feel a hand on my head.

I try to turn around, but I'm so exhausted that I fall on my butt instead. I start breathing heavily and my hands can barely keep me sitting, so I lie down.

Above me is Cylob overlooking my lying body.

Chisou: "Cilob! I prac-" He puts his hand right in front of my face

Cylob: "I know that you're happy to see me, but just breathe for now. You need to rest."

I do as he says and take a break. He sits next to me.

After my breathing stabilizes enough, I sit and look at Cylob. I want to say something, but Cylob beats me to it.

Cylob: "I don't know what makes you work so hard and it's good to push your limits like this, but make sure not to overdo it, alright? I don't want my first student to end up too obsessed with sword training and end up ignoring other stuff."

Chisou: "Mhm!"

Cylob: "On the topic of not ignoring stuff, you shouldn't ignore that." He points to my stomach.

At first I'm confused about what he means, but then I hear something.

"Rrrr"

...

Chisou: "I... wanna eat."

Cylob: "Of course you do. When you do physical activities, you get hungrier faster, so you need to eat more."

Chisou: "But you work a lot and I've never seen you eat."

Cylob: "I've never seen you eat either." He shrugs.

Chisou: "That's because I eat at home. You don't have a home." I grumble.

Cylob opened his mouth and then closed it. He stopped talking and had an expression my mom sometimes had. I didn't say anything as I thought it might ruin the silence, but my stomach didn't get the hint.

"Rrrrr"

Due to this Cylob quickly recovered from his stupor.

Cylob: "You gonna keep ignoring that ooor-"

Chisou: "Alright, alright! I'll go eat!"

I stand up and get the dirt off of my clothes.

Cylob: "Good. I'll be here waiting for you."

Chisou: "I'll be back in a second!"

I start running back home.

Cylob: "Don't choke on your food!"

Chisou: "Alright!"

I get more excited as the realization hits me.

Cylob is going to teach me again!

.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.

I run back to Cylob with a full stomach. My stomach is so full that it's kinda hard to run properly, but I'm not gonna let that stop me.

As soon as I get close enough I see that Cylob is training. Even though his back is turned towards me I can stil see that his swings are fast, powerful and sharp, much better than me.

SO COOL!

I forget what I'm supposed to be doing as I just stare at his back in complete awe.

He swings and swings. The swings become sharper and sharper, faster and faster, stronger and stro-

Cylob: "Are you just gonna keep standing there or are you going to train with me?" He says without slowing down in the slightest.

Chisou: "A-ah. Yes of course!"

I join him in training, but my stomach prevents me from doing my best.

Cylob: "You're worse than you were yesterday. Why is that?"

Chisou: "My stomach is too full." I frown.

Cylob: "I see. Well you need to be ready to fight in any kind of situation, so it's not bad to get practice for when you're not at your full power."

More of Cilob's wisdom!

Chisou: "Of course!"

And so we kept training.

Whenever I did something wrong Cylob would help me correct my mistakes.

Cylob: "You must remember your mistakes to make sure you don't make them again." He once said. So I'm trying my best to remember every single one of them even if it's hard to do.

We kept training and training. Cylob had a small smile on his face the entire time, even when he was scolding me.

Cylob: "Your footing is wrong." I correct my footing.

Cylob: "Hold your hands higher." I hold my hands higher.

Cylob: "Use not only your hands, but your whole body to deliver the strike." I try to use my whole body, but I didn't quite get it, so it didn't work out.

Cylob: "You don't get it, do you? Well let's try a different method to make you understand. Put down your sword and do a punch."

Chisou: "How is punching gonna help me with the sword?"

Cylob: "Since people have arms since their birth and punching is the most basic way of using them in combat, your body naturally knows how to make it as strong as possible."

Chisou: "Alright..." I put down my sword and do a punch.

Cylob: "That was a normal punch. Now try to put more power into it."

I do a stronger punch.

Cylob: "Did you feel it?"

Chisou: "?"

Cylob: "Yeah, I bet you didn't. Do the strongest punch you can and while you're doing it carefully observe your movements."

Chisou: "But-"

Cylob: "Trust me."

Chisou: "...Alright..."

So I just do a punch and observe the movements I'm doing.

As I start preparing for my punch I notice that my body naturally winds itself back and when it's time for the attack, my body uses everything from my shoulders down to my legs to make sure my punch has the most momentum possible.

So that's how you use your whole body...

Cylob: "Did you feel it?"

Chisou: "Mhm!"

Cylob: "Now try to do the same with your sword. It's gonna be hard at first, but if you don't give up, you'll get it eventually."

I pick up my sword and start swinging again, but this time I try to use my whole body.

I don't quite fully get it yet, but at least I know how it should feel like.

Cylob: "One of the most important parts are the hips. You should try to use those first. After you understand how to use them everything else will become much easier."

I still don't quite get it, but if I keep practicing it will come to me eventually, so I just keep swinging my sword.

.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.

I swing and swing and swing and swi-

"Rrrr"

I... wanna eat.

Cylob: "Soooo..."

Chisou: "Yes I know. I'll go eat."

Cylob: "Good."

I relax my body and as soon as I do I start feeling a little bit dizzy.

Chisou: "*yawn*"

Cylob: "You're yawning? Guess the adrenaline is gone. You should go to sleep then. Getting plenty sleep is important."

Chisou: "Mhm."

I start walking away, but I have a great idea, so I turn back to Cylob who started practicing again.

Chisou: "Cilob! Come eat with me!"

Cylob: "Huh?! What do you mean?"

I grab his sleeve and start pulling him. He resists my pulling and stands his ground.

Chisou: "You haven't eaten either! You should eat too, shouldn't you? So come on!"

I start pulling him harder at which he stands even firmer.

Cylob: "Are you sure your mom is okay with this?"

Chisou: "She wouldn't mind!"

Cylob: "I wouldn't want to disturb your house's atmosphere."

Chisou: "Come on!"

I start pulling even harder, but contradictory to my expectations he actually steps in my direction which makes me lose my balance and fall to the ground.

Cylob smirks with a chuckle.

Cylob: "Alright. If you're so insistent, I'll go." He extends his hand out to me.

I reluctantly use his hand to help me get back up.

I start to get the dirt off of my clothes.

Cylob: "Before you start grumbling about my move there, I'm just gonna say this. You lowered your guard and I took advantage of that. Lowering your guard is the worst thing you could do during a battle, so while it's fine when you do it with me, when you're with people you don't know you should never lower your guard. That is my most important advice."

Chisou: "I understand! Now, let's go!"

I grab Cylob's arm and start running towards my house.

.▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓.

Chisou runs into the house at breakneck speed as I carefully close the door behind me. I walk a little bit, but then stop, while having second thoughts.

I don't really wanna interact with people right now, but I can't refuse Chis. I guess my social anxiety isn't fully gone yet. Not surprising, I've always been an introvert. I just had to do some things to stay alive here which included socializing, so I guess I thought it was gone, but it was just my calculating side forcing me to do it. I haven't changed at all. I gue-

woman: "Are you alright?"

Cylob: "Huh? O-oh, I'm sorry, I got lost in thought."

woman: "No worries. So you're the boy everyone's been talking about?"

Cylob: "Maybe. I don't the rumors going around here. My name is Cylob. May I know your name?"

woman: "You don't have to be so formal with me, sweetie. My name is Shurua."

Cylob: "Then I won't be so formal. So you're Chis's mom?"

Shurua: "Yes." She nods

Instead of blonde hair like Chisou's she had brown, but she still had those emerald eyes. Her skin was white and even a little bit pale and she had almost unnoticeable bags under her eyes.

Cylob: "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Shurua: "The pleasure is all mine." She had a heartwarming smile, but I knew it was a little bit forced.

Should I tell her that I know she's faking it?... No. Only after Chisou is gone.

?: "Cylob-kun!"

I feel a hand on my head that starts ruffling my hair.

I turn around and I see a woman with brown hair and brown eyes. Her skin was a little bit tan and she had eyebags as well, but her smile was genuine.

Cylob: "Seira? What are you doing here?"

Seira: "I live here."

Cylob: "You do? Are you and Chis siblings?"

Seira: "Mmmhm."

Not surprising that I didn't make the connection. They look too different.

Shurua: "I've already prepared the food. Why don't we go eat?"

Cylob: "Are you sure you want me to eat? I can go without it."

Seira: "You've been helping us a lot, so let us repay you in some way at least."

I have?

We walk to the table, but something is missing. No, not something, someone.

I don't see the dad... I probably shouldn't bring that up.

On the table was soup. I wasn't sure what it was made of, but that didn't mean I wasn't gonna eat it.

The food was... weird, but that's probably because I haven't eaten anything in 2 months.

I even somewhat forgot how to properly eat, but I quickly relearned how to.

The way it travelled through my throat was quite weird at first, but I eventually came to like it.

I was so 'busy' that I even forgot what eating felt like. I should probably enjoy this normal life for a little bit more. I'm just gonna wait for a carriage to come here and take it to Priestella instead of searching for one myself.

The more I ate the more I liked it. I quietly appreciated the food that was given to me.

Chisou finished first.

Chisou: "I'm all done *yawn*."

Cylob: "Good. Now go to sleep. Sleeping is good for you."

Chisou: "Mhm..."

I noticed the happy and slightly surprised expressions Shurua and Seira had.

He walked to a room and once I confirmed with my Mana Sense that he was on his bed I turned it off.

Now I just gotta wait until we finish the food.

After a while all of us finished our food at nearly the same time.

Cylob: "Thank you very much for the meal. It was very refreshing."

Shurua: "Thank you for your kind words." She was smiling. Genuinely smiling.

Do I go for it?... I guess I do. But before I could say anything Shurua beat me to it.

Shurua: "Thank you." She bowed her head to me.

Cylob: "What is there to be thankful for?"

Shurua: "I'm sure you have noticed by now... but my husband is no longer here."

So I was right... I'm not happy about that.

Cylob: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Shurua: "No it's fine it's just..."

Seira: "You've helped us a lot."

Cylob: "...How?"

Shurua: "We... didn't know what to do with Chis. He wanted to be a knight, but we couldn't get him any education. Anything else didn't interest him. He probably subconsciously realized that he had to be strong since he's the only male in the house, so he didn't want to do anything that wasn't him getting stronger. We were very perplexed on what to do with him until you came along. After we saw how determined he was to become a knight we understood what his path in life should be. And we have you to thank for this." She bowed once again.

Cylob: "I don't think I really did much, to be honest..."

Seira: "Either way you still helped us! So accept our gratitude!"

Cylob: "I will, I will. Is that the reason why you work so much, Seira? You had to provide for your family, but now you have to work to get Chis education too..."

Seira: "That's right. And your help with everything has been greatly appreciated! Because of you I got a good amount of sleep yesterday. And today I will as well!" She said with a big smile. Even with those eyebags she's so energetic.

Seira was working so many jobs and she had such huge eyebags that I helped her around the village a lot. She was the first person I helped actually. To think that she was Chis's sister...

Cylob: "So both of you are going to be working even harder to make sure that Chis becomes a knight?"

Both of them nod.

That's... a lot of work. Can I do something to help? Maybe... I can ask Crusch for help? But he's just a kid, would that really work out?

I look at both of them again.

They were tired, exhausted and drained, but their eyes held strong conviction.

While they themselves were weak, their hearts were strong and looked as if even Everest wouldn't be a big deal.

They'll deal with this by themselves, won't they? They already have everything figured out. I can't do anything.

I look at them in the eyes and with my whole heart say:

Cylob: "Good luck."

Shurua: "Thank you." Her mask fully falls off and she starts crying.

I don't try to stop her tears. They are of happiness after all.

Shurua: "Thank you! Thank you so much!"

Her crying looks ugly, but that's what makes it beautiful. She's human. Everyone is.

I can't imagine the hardships she's gone through and that's fine. Everyone has their own battles, we just have to help each other as we go through them.

Losing her husband and having to raise two children by herself must have been hard, but she managed to do it, so I'm sure her strong will is going to get her through this challenge.

That's right... crying isn't weak. It never was. Being brave doesn't mean not being afraid, it means doing it despite the fear. This is the same. The fact that she's crying doesn't make her weak.

After some time she finally stops crying.

Shurua: "You don't look your age, do you?" She says as she wipes away the last tear.

Cylob: "I'm 15."

Shurua: "Really?" She seems genuinely surprised by that.

Cylob: "Is it really that surprising? I mean I'm not 12, you know."

Seira: "You're only 15?"

Do I really look that young?... wait

Cylob: "What do you mean only?"

Shurua: "You feel much older than 15. The way you teach as if you have a lot of experience in it, the way you talk, the way you understand feelings, the way you understand the circumstances around you, it doesn't feel like a 15 year old."

I'm dumbfounded at that explanation.

Seira: "Your mostly expressionless face doesn't help with that. Instead of changing your face to express your emotions, you say what you feel out loud instead. Young people have a lot of emotions on their face, so you having so little makes you look older."

Cylob: "Are you... serious?"

Both: "Yes."

I look older than I am...

Shurua: "Tell us."

Cylob: "Huh?" I'm bewildered at her sentence, tho I don't show it on my face.

Shurua: "You want to say something, don't you? So say it."

I do.

I look at them with an emotionless face.

Shurua: "Don't hide it. Let it out. You've helped us, so let us help you."

Cylob: "I didn't do anythi-"

Seira: "You did! And even if you don't believe that fact then tell us because we wanna help! Or are you going to refuse our request?"

Cylob: "...Really?..."

Please say no. Please say yes. Please say no. Please say yes. Please say no. Please say yes. Please say no. Please say yes. Please say no. Please say yes.

Both: "Yes." They nod with absolute resolution.

...

To say that something clicked inside me would be a lie, as this wasn't something that clicked, it was something that was released.

I had thoughts and feelings that I was keeping on a tight leash.

I knew that if I released them, I would go into a downward spiral of self-hate and self-loathing, that was the reason they were kept on a tight leash.

But right here, right now, I felt... safe.

That feeling of safety made me finally release them.

My social anxiety wanted to stop me, but my calculating side held it down.

I got this calculating side when I was 13 years old. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not, but right now I'm thankful for it. More often than not it it makes me ignore my emotions, but there are moments like this where it helps me with them instead. There I go thinking about other things again, but that's just another side of me, I should try and accept it, even though I know I won't be able to do it easily.

I've always been like this. I know exactly how to do things, how to improve myself, but I never actually do or try to.

...

I'm scared, aren't I? All of these random thoughts are just delaying my true self-hate.

...

I'm really, really scared. What if I really go into a downward spiral? Is it truly safe?

I look at Shurua and Seira again. All of this time they were just sitting there waiting for me to collect my thoughts. Not interrupting me, not asking me if everything is fine. Just sitting there waiting for me to get ready.

...

Thank you... Truly-

"Thank you."

Before I knew it, tears started rolling down my cheeks.

"*sniff* I know you won't understand what I'm going through or what I'm gonna say, but still... thank you."

I started talking without even thinking of the consequences.

"It's just been so hard, so SO hard."

"Previously I had no responsibilities, nor did I expect anything from myself, but now I've been thrown here and I want to do a lot of things. A LOT of things."

"The weight of all of them is extremely hard, considering how useless I've been previously."

...

"I know myself too well. I know how useless I've been and how useless I AM, so I try to hide it, not only from other people, but also from myself."

...

...

...

"I'M SO GODDAMN USELESS!"

"No matter how much I say to myself that I'm not or others tell me how I'm not, that kind of thinking won't change!"

"Even when I 'saved' Crusch and Rem I still got them hurt! And even then I FAILED! I know I did! If it weren't for Subaru I would've failed! Every single time I've done something or tried to do something, I've failed! And it doesn't help that I'm not even trying to do anything about it! I know I'm lazy, I know I'm useless, I know I've never done anything, BUT I DON'T DO ANYTHING TO FIX THAT! And now all of a sudden I want myself to do something?! How stupid can I get?! I've never done anything, I'm not doing anything and will never do anything, because I'm useless! And it just goes back to me not doing anything to fix that! It's an infinite cycle that I can't get out of! And all of it, ALL OF IT STEMS FROM MY INHERENT LAZINESS! I'm lazy! Too lazy to do anything or want to do anything! I don't try to change myself and because of that my surroundings get worse and worse every day! And instead of trying to fix myself I just go to escapism like video games and other stuff! I've never tried to tackle my problems, I've just constantly ran away from them! And now I want myself to be better. Become better out of nowhere?! Without any effort?! Dumb. Dumb! DUMB! DUMB! I'M JUST SO SO SO SO SO DUMB!"

...

"I-"

...

"I HATE MYSELF!"

"I HATE MY LAZINESS, I HATE MY USELESSNESS AND I HATE MY INACTION!"

"I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH THAT HATE ISN'T A POWERFUL ENOUGH WORD TO DESCRIBE IT!"

"I DESPISE, DETEST, LOATH, DISDAIN, ABHOR MYSELF!"

"I HAVE NEVER HAD ANY DILIGENCE AND NEVER WILL!"

"EVERYBODY SHOULD HATE ME!"

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY RIGHTS!"

"I'M SORRY FOR BEING SO USELESS AND LAZY!"

"I'm even starting to talk like madmans! That's how much I hate myself!"

"But everyone around me keeps telling me that I'm a good person!"

"So much so that I don't even know what to feel about myself anymore!"

"Should I like myself?! Should I hate myself?! I DON'T KNOW! I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!"

...

"I-... I-... *sniff* I don't know what to do."

...

"I genuinely don't."

...

Before I knew it, my head was hanging so low that I couldn't see anything besides the puddle that my tears created.

...

Tears were streaming from my eyes so fast that wiping them away wouldn't do anything.

...

And then I felt something touch my arm, so I looked up.

What I saw in front of me were two people who had been there the whole time, not taking any action until now.

Seira who was looking at me with a sympathetic gaze and Shurua who was holding my hand.

Both of them still had that same determination from before.

I can't be like them, can I?

Shurua: "You're strong, aren't you?"

Cylob: "I-... I don't know."

Shurua: "You are trying to become better, aren't you?"

Cylob: "I-... I don't know."

Shurua: "You aren't lazy, are you?"

Cylob: "I AM lazy!" I angrily shout.

Shurua: "From my perpective you aren't."

Cylob: "You don't know anything about me!" I glare at her.

Shurua: "What I know about you is the fact that you decided to help someone learn the sword when you didn't have to, you helped everyone around the village even though you didn't have to, you played with kids even though you didn't have to, you helped me and Seira decide what we want to do and wanted to help us even though you didn't have to. From my and everyone else's perspective you are an extremely hardworking person."

Cylob: "Everything I did was just more escapism and nothing else! I just didn't want to think about what I'm gonna have to do, so I used this village as an excuse!"

Seira: "But you still did it, didn't you?!" She slammed her hands on the table.

Cylob: "I... guess..."

Seira: "Then why are you beating yourself up over it?!"

Cylob: "I know what I did was good, alright?! I know that fact! But knowing that fact won't help me deal with the future! I'm still scared of the future because I know what will happen and I know that I'm too weak to help in that future! Just because I did some good in some remote village doesn't mean I will be able to help when I want to help!"

Seira: "Then at least use it as a building block!"

...

"Huh?"

Seira: "You heard me! Use it as a building block! Slowly get more building blocks until you can make a stable structure for yourself! Don't write-off what you did here, but don't use it as your sole reason either! Just use it as a small part of something bigger!"

Shurua: "Seira is right. Even if your actions in a small village like this are too small for you to take pride in, then at least use it to give yourself a small push. It doesn't have to be something big, but at least a small push."

...

They're... right.

I can slowly build up my confidence by doing small stuff.

I don't even have to build up my confidence at first, I just have to slowly destroy or counter my self-hate thoughts.

It's like... Angry Birds. The only difference is: my self-hate thoughts are the pigs and my small achievements are the birds.

More often than not you need multiple birds to kill all the pigs, so I can do just that.

Why is my very first parallel Angry Birds? I guess that's because it was my childhood.

But i guess I can do it. Or at the very least I'll try.

I start wiping away the tears on my face.

"Thank you both. That was very useful advice. THE most useful advice actually."

Seira: "No problem!"

Shurua: "I'm glad it made you feel better."

Cylob: "I still need to properly collect my thoughts, but that I'm going to have to do by myself. I once again thank you for everything you've done for me today." I bow my head.

Shurua: "We both thank you as well." They bow their heads to me.

I stand up from the table and walk to the door open it and go outside.

I close the door behind me.

What should I do now? I gave that cool speech about collecting my thoughts by myself, but what do I do?

While I was thinking I accidentally overheard what was happening inside.

Shurua: "I'm going to go to sleep now. Good night."

Seira: "Mhm."

Maybe I should go somewhere? Somewhere relaxing, so I can focus on my thoughts and nothing else.

After a small while I heard someone crying.

That's probably Seira. She probably didn't want anyone to see her weak side. I can understand that.

I don't want to hear her cry as it would undermine what she's doing, so I'll go somewhere else... how about the hill from yesterday?

The hill wasn't too far away. Actually Chisou's home was the closest one to it. It was still 150 meters away tho, so not that close.

I quickly ran to the hill and as soon as I sat down, I felt peaceful again.

I got good advice, but now I have to make sure I can use it properly.

I have to get into the right state of mind and carefully start building my foundation.

...

I trained for a whole two months without stopping. I helped a family resolve their conflicted feelings. I helped Subaru save Rem and Crusch. I helped a lot of people in the village. I trained someone in the art of the sword. I saved a person from certain death.

That's what I'm starting with.

It's not a lot, but it's not a small amount either. For two months time it's quite good actually.

I should buy a journal and write all my achievements there. That way I'll fully be able to see how many I've done.

I got some money from capturing bad guys back in the capital so it shouldn't be too hard to get one.

Oh, that's another building block. How did I forget about it? That means I definitely need a journal, as I'm already forgetting some deeds I've done.

Actually it's not a problem with my memory, but more of a problem of perception.

I just saw that act as something normal, something I didn't have any reason to remember, so my mind just automatically filte-

But my thought process was interrupted when I saw something strange far away.

It looked like some mabeasts were coming out of the forest.

But when I looked closer I noticed that they weren't just coming out - they were running out.

And their run was right in the direction of the village.

I got a really bad feeling about this!