Cylob came back, but since returning he hasn't been the same.
He hasn't been helping with any of the chores, which means that he isn't getting any practice time with Wilhelm.
He just trains by himself all the day. Sometimes he trains in the backyard. Sometimes he trains outside the Capital. Sometimes we just completely lose sight of him. There's no knowing where he will go next.
Nobody is quite sure what happened for him to change like this... except for Crusch-sama. I've seen how she looks at him and this situation as a whole, so there's no way she knows nothing. Maybe Wilhelm-san knows too, but I'm not sure about him.
I for sure don't.
It's been... weird.
Even though he wasn't that cheerful, he at least made others cheer up.
But now... it's like he has only one goal in mind. He doesn't even try to interact with others as that would interfere with whatever he's doing.
It hurt to see him like this...
...
I can read him quite well. Is this why Crusch-sama put me in charge of looking after him?
Yes. I was supposed to be looking after him.
To be honest, I don't even know how to look after him.
I've asked Crusch, Wilhelm and the other workers, but they had no answer for me.
He doesn't want to be looked after either.
Every time I've tried to 'look after' him, he would just say something along the lines: "There's no need to worry about me. If you have to take care of me, then use that time to take care of yourself. You would just be wasting your time on me."
Most people would be surprised at his kindness, but I wasn't.
It was his kindness that made him stand out in the first place, so it wasn't surprising that even in his darkest times he would care about other people.
...
Maybe he actually cares too much about other people.
Kindness is a virtue, but it's also a poison.
And if you can't handle the amount of poison you're putting in your body, well... you're going to break.
And I can see that exact thing happening with Cylob-san.
He's slowly but surely breaking under the poison that he puts in himself.
Now that I think about it, has he ever gotten truly angry?
Sure, he's gotten angry when other people do stupid things, but has he ever let himself and his emotions run wild?
...
I'm 99% sure he hasn't.
But the problem is... I can't do anything. I'm just a maid after all. A maid shouldn't overstep her boundaries. And my job is important to me, so I can't lose it by doing something as silly as overstepping my boundaries.
I mustn't lose my job.
Nevertheless, since I have been ordered to take care of him, I have been trying to make him more lively. Even if that sometimes involves doing something he doesn't want me to do.
That includes this evening.
./\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\.
The moon is shining brightly. So brightly, in fact, that you could clearly see everything.
Even the darkest of corners and alleys were illuminated by this blue hue.
When I saw him, swinging his sword without a hint of emotion on his face, I felt mystified, stunned and... hurt.
He was glowing. He had mystical patterns on his skin of golden colour, they were similar to patterns on runes.
That combined with the blue serenity of the night made him look like a beacon of hope. His perfect appearance that was on par with a deity was even further amplified by the serene light.
...
But his expression completely betrayed the beautiful painting that the world was trying to put him into.
Even though his face was inherently beautiful, and nature itself wanted to beautify it even more, he was spitting this beauty in its face by keeping the neutral expression that I was already too overfamiliar with.
Even though his eyes were a golden hue, that felt like they sometimes saw through your body into your very soul, the light in them was abandoned and now they were nothing but a way for him to gather information during battle.
But he wasn't empty... he was the complete opposite.
The emotions inside him were whirling so fast and so rapidly, that he was feeling every emotion at the same time.
But since he didn't want to worry others, he kept all of it hidden.
How do I know all of this? When I asked Wilhelm-san about how to take care of Cylob, he told me this. I wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve by giving me this information, but I was thankful for it nonetheless.
Even though I was young and such complex things weren't my forte, it did make me understand his situation better.
I wasn't sure what he experienced on that trip, but I felt pity for him.
me: "I brought you food."
He doesn't turn at me. He just keeps swinging. He doesn't seem to want to acknowledge my presence.
I put the plate full of cut appas on the chair not too far from him. (I was the one who brought the chair here)
I turn around to walk back into the manor.
Cylob: "How many times will you do this? I said 25 times already that I don't need food."
I turn back at him. He stopped swinging his sword and he was looking directly at me.
me: "I cannot refuse the orders of Crusch-sama."
Cylob: "I already told you that you don't have to do this. I'm sure Crusch won't mind if you spend more time on yourself. Me and everyone else won't tell on you either. It's useless to spend it on me anyway."
I could see his mask slowly breaking. Now, even I could understand that something is completely wrong with him.
me: "I can't leave you, because you're broken."
Cylob: "That's more the reason to not spend time on me. Something that broke will never be as good as it was before. Even if you put effort into it, nothing will come out of it."
...
I hate seeing him like this.
Every single one of his responses is mechanical and instantaneous.
It makes me sick.
me: "Still. I can't abandon you."
Cylob: "Why?" I could see a little bit of rage seeping through.
me: "I just can't."
I turn to the manor and start walking. But due to the silence of the night, I could still hear him whispering.
Cylob: 'Why? Please don't let it be... please. Please Caroline... please.'
The sound of the sword swinging started filling up the air once again, but it was not enough to drown out the sound of tears hitting the ground.
.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.
He's nowhere to be found, huh.
It was tomorrow. The middle of the day.
After doing my maid duties, I was supposed to take care of Cylob, but just like on some other days he was nowhere to be found.
This doesn't happen often, but whenever it does, I don't know what to do.
I mean... how am I supposed to take care of someone who I can't find?
I'm sure that even if I look for him, he would make sure that I wouldn't be able to find him. So it's not like looking for him does anything.
So... what should I do?
Hmm...
I could... fix his room up.
I've never seen him use it, but some dust is bound to pile up, right? If I just ask for keys from Maria then I would be able to get in there.
I get the keys from Maria and then start walking in the direction of his room.
But when I try to open the door, the key doesn't turn.
It's... unlocked?
I turn the handle and just as I thought, it opens without any resistance.
Inside I see a surprisingly clean room.
Everything was covered in a small layer of dust, but other than that, everything was cleanly organized.
And it wasn't organized because he didn't use it - no - you could clearly see a huge amount of papers not only on his desk but also in the trashcan.
So he was using it, huh.
I walk into the room and start cleaning it up.
Luckily, he didn't have much furniture in the room, so it wouldn't take long.
But as soon as I picked up the papers to get them off the table, my eyes drifted to what was written on them.
On the topmost paper was written "Peeler".
It was nothing revolutionary or even complicated for that matter, but it made sense.
A tool which made sure that the person who's using it won't get hurt.
Him wanting less pain in the world led him to creating something like this... It's impressive how far his kindness goes. This also means less blood is going to be spilled which is always a plus.
I look at the next page. On it was something completely different. It was a weapon.
But once again, it was nothing new. All it was, was a big needle.
This kind of weapon didn't make much sense to me, but I'm sure he would find a use for it.
On the next page was something called "chess".
It was a game that had very simple rules, but the more I thought about it, the harder it seemed.
You'd have to predict your opponents moves to win, huh. That's something that's hard to do.
On the next page was the most detached topic from all other ones: Food.
It didn't seem like he was inventing a new type of food. It seemed like he was just trying to make sense of how cooking worked.
Seems like he doesn't know how cooking works. And yet he still wanted to make new food... that's pretty weird.
On the next page was... magic? water? magnifying glass? ice? light? it was hard to tell.
It looked more like a research paper than anything.
I looked at some other ones, and they mostly fell into the four categories that I explained:
Tools. Weapons. Games. Research.
It seems like he gave up on the food aspect after the first one, or maybe he just started thinking about food, so hasn't had enough time to explore the topic.
Every single one of them was different and some of them consisted of multiple pages.
There's one thing that I can't make sense of though... what the hell are these squiggles?
On almost every paper, and especially on the research ones, there were consistent weird squiggles.
And they way he used them almost looked like some kind of language. I mean, some papers that looked like research papers, were completely covered in them. Not a single word - no, scratch that - not a single letter that I could recognize.
I remember hearing that he was isolated from the outside world before coming here, so it wasn't surprising that he knew a language different from ours.
The problem was the fact that even though I knew it was a different language, I couldn't decifer it.
And I'm sure nobody beside him could.
But even so... it's a waste to keep all of these inventions here, right?
...
I'll show them to Crusch-sama.
.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.
Crusch: "Hmm... I see. So this is his way of paying back, huh."
I was now in front of Crusch-sama. The pressure I was feeling was great. Who wouldn't feel pressure in front of their employer after all?
She looked me in the eyes with a stern expression.
Crusch: "Did you get his permission to show me this?"
Caroline: "N-no. I felt that even if I asked him, I wouldn't get a response."
She kept staring at me. I could feel the temperature in my body rising as sweat started to form on my entire body. I could barely keep eye contact.
Please don't fire me!
Bu then... she smirked.
Crusch: "Good. But make sure that this," she holds up all the papers, "is back in his room by the time he comes back."
I was confused. Why was Crusch condoning my actions? I forcefully took things from her guest. How could any part of that be good?
But nevertheless, I couldn't think for too long as I was still in a conversation with Crusch.
Caroline: "Y-yes, Crusch-sama."
Crusch: "Until then..." she quickly skims through the papers, "Ferris, call for Heinrich. He will be the one to copy these over."
Felix: "Yes, Crusch-sama!" He happily runs off.
Crusch: "Caroline," she looks back at me, "will it be fine for you to cover Heinrich's shift? You'll get paid in money."
Caroline: "Yes, it's completely fine."
Money is never bad. Need some savings after all.
Crusch: "Good." She nods, satisfied. "Then follow Ferris and take over for Heinrich."
Caroline: "Yes." I bow and leave the room to follow Ferris.
...
Crusch: "This will allow both of them to progress. I was afraid that they weren't moving, but she's slowly changing. She's willing to take risks just because it's something that shouldn't go to waste. She wouldn't have done something like that a week ago. I just need to wait a little bit more..."
.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.
Five days had passed.
It was evening once again.
The scene in front of me was the same as last time.
And once again I felt hurt by his expression.
Why won't you tell anyone anything? Why won't you tell anything... to me?
Since I have been seeing him so much lately, I could now accurately tell what he was feeling. I could finally see his inner turmoil.
That doesn't help though, does it? I melancholically thought.
Caroline: "I brought you food."
Once again he didn't react to me.
I put the plate full of cut appas on the cha-
...
I pick the plate up, sit on the chair and start eating them as I'm looking at Cylob.
He kept trying to deny my existence, but even though his back was turned to me, I could still tell that he was slightly less focused now.
His shining hair... His precise slashes... His golden hue and eyes... It's all so beautiful.
So why...
...
WHY DO YOU KEEP WASTING IT?!
I bite the appa slice with all my force trying to keep my anger inside me.
*splat* *splat*
Where did you go? What happened to the Cylob that I know?
I clutch my skirt trying to keep myself from bawling.
Where... is the person I looked up to? Where...
...
is the first person that made my heart skip a beat?
I open my mouth to take another bite... but I can't.
I lower the slice on the plate as I close my mouth.
*plop*
I look down to see that the plate is now full of tears and it was being filled up with even more.
...
Cylob: "Please go away."
Caroline: "NO!"
I could see his shocked expression as he turned towards me.
Cylob: "Why won't you go away?" I could see his anger slowly seeping through.
Caroline: "Because you're not acting like yourself!"
Cylob: "I am acting like myself. This is just a changed me."
Caroline: "No you're not! Where are all the smiles that you are supposed to be making?!"
Cylob: "It's useless..."
Caroline: "Tell me! Where are the smiles?!"
Cylob: "..."
Caroline: "Answer me!"
I looked him in the eyes.
Cylob: "..."
Caroline: "I said!-
Cylob: "WHAT'S THE POINT IN MAKING SOMEONE SMILE WHEN THEY'RE GOING TO DIE?!"
I was taken aback by his sudden shout. It was the first I have ever seen him angry.
Cylob: "What's the point?! What's the point in making a smile if I can't protect it?!"
I could see it. His-
"What's the point in doing anything, when everyone around you is just going to die?! What's the point in doing something good, when you immediately make that action not have any meaning?! You just end up killing everyone around you and not helping in any way!"
DESPAIR
"I want to! I want to make people smile! I want to save people! But all I ever do is hurt and kill!
No matter where I go, what I do, death followes me!
And all of it is my fault!
I don't think enough! I don't do anything to help!
I'm too lazy! I'm too positive! I'M TOO WEAK!"
I could hear his throat being destroyed by his constant shouts, but he didn't stop.
"No matter how much I think, no matter who I'm with, no matter how catious I am, everything just goes to shit when I interact with somebody!
At that point, all I can do is make sure that as little people interact with me as possible!
But no matter how much I tell myself... I just can't escape the premises of this mansion!
I can't! And that makes me go crazy!
Crazy? I was crazy once!
I just!-"
...
...
...
'I don't want anyone to die.'
His tears also started hitting the ground.
Conversely to his previous speech, his last words were not above a whisper.
I could understand now. But... that didn't help me.
I didn't know what to say or what to do.
But then... that special feeling came back.
That special feeling that I wasn't sure what to do with or what it was.
It was now back and the words flew out of my mouth before I could think them through.
"Go on a date with me!"
"Huh?!"
"Next sunday! Start of fire time! Outside Crusch's manor!"
"HUH?!"
I start running away before he could say anything else.
I wanted to get rid of his kindness, but now I think that that's impossible to do.
No matter what I do, I can't get rid of it, but... I can make him kind towards himself!
Yeah! That's what I'll do!
"I'LL MAKE YOU LOVE YOURSELF!"
A.N.: Start of fire time is 12:00 a.m.
.▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓▒░▒▓.
I punch a boulder.
"Goddammit!"
I punch and punch and punch and punch.
My fists start drawing ?blood? and it starts hurting like hell, but it's not enough to distract me from my emotions, so I keep punching.
"Why? Why, why, why, why, WHY?!"
Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
"This is so annoying!"
Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
"Why can't people just leave me alone?!"
Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.
"Why do they keep interacting with me?!"
Punch. Punch.
"Why do they try to help me?"
Punch.
"Why... why do people still believe in me?"
...
"Why... why did she have to love me?"
*splat*
"Please..."
*splat* *splat*
"I don't want for her to die like everyone else. I'm still too weak."
*splat* *splat* *splat*
Why did I stay in Crusch's manor? I knew something like this was bound to happen.
I look at my bloodied hands that were being washed by my tears.
Both my emotional and calculative side wanted me leave and yet, I didn't... why?
My fingers twitched.
It's almost like I did it unconsciously, instinctua...ly.
...
Heh. It's you Ashna, right? Well, if you made me stay then it was surely for my sake.
...
I can't say that I'm not worried though...
Ciel understood the importance of other people to Rimuru, but what about Ashna?
If she's doing this for my sake while disregarding others'... I can't approve of that.
...
Well, either way I can't run from that date now, right?
It must've taken her a lot of courage to say all of that to me, so me not going would be rude.
It will make her happier if I go, right?
...
Love myself, huh.
I guess I am just like Subaru in Arc 4.
Sacrificing myself, my innocence, my childhood, my emotions... all for the sake of others.
But do I have a choice?
...
I do, huh.
I can just live a normal and happy life.
Not involve myself with anything and just spend my days like a normal citizen.
But if I do that... I will surely blame myself.
All those deaths that I could've prevented. All those lives I could've made easier. I just wouldn't be able to live under the guilt of that.
But then... how do I love myself?
I can't fully rest - I would blame myself too much for that. I can't fully train - I end up disregarding myself.
Do I just find the right balance between rest and work? Ot is it something else...
...
Well, there's no way that I can just know, right?
I'll have to find out slowly. No need to rush. There's still time to grow.
There's still time to become stronger.