#####'s eyes opened.
But ##### didn't see anything... that would be wrong.
##### saw darkness. Darkness everywhere.
Up. Down. Left. Right. Forward. Backward.
Darkness was everywhere.
But ##### didn't mind.
This darkness was where ##### was supposed to be. felt at home.
#####'s mind was clear. #####'s emotions were stable and were filled to the brim with a sense of belonging and unparalleled tranquility.
##### wanted to stay here forever. ##### will stay here forever.
...
An impact. ##### felt an impact.
It was unthinkable, something made ##### feel something other than belonging?
That was annoying. That was bad. ##### didn't want for something like that to happen again.
#####'s request was heard.
To forget about that repulsive impact, ##### started admiring the darkness again.
The familiar sight of black brought peace to #####'s mind once again. It soothed #####.
But as ##### was appreciating the darkness, a repulsive rainbow entered #####'s vision.
The rainbow quickly went away, but the sight of colour left an impression in this otherwise black world.
The impression was so strong, that it made ##### have a thought.
What was that repulsive rainbow doing in my world?
##### now felt even angrier.
Not only did the rainbow stain the beautiful black, but it also made ##### have a thought.
Having thoughts was unnecessary. Having thoughts was bad. ##### didn't want for something like that to happen again.
#####'s request was heard.
The blinding rainbow was still burned into #####'s eyelids, so ##### rubbed the eyes in hope of it going away.
That action was unnecessary, but the repulsive rainbow was gone from #####'s mind after enough time.
##### stared into the darkness again, but was once again interrupted. A white blinding light covered #####'s entire vision.
Go away!
These annoying colours and impacts were annoying ##### to no end.
But just as soon as the white blinding light stopped, white fire replaced it.
##### could almost feel the heat from the fire.
Unforgivable!
Earth, wind, water, fire. Everything was surrounding, everything was everywhere. Everything was staining the calming darkness.
Stop! Please, stop! pleaded.
The smell of earth filled 's nose.
How dare all of you do this?! ##### thought in anger.
New senses, new emotions. It was overwhelming.
##### didn't want to feel them. ##### didn't want for anything to change. ##### wanted to stay home. ##### wanted to feel peaceful once again. ##### wanted for all of this to stop.
##### wanted for a peaceful life with no worries.
But the world wouldn't let that happen.
The constant colours, smells, sights constantly bombarded #####.
Even more senses were attacking #####. Complex emotions were forming.
STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
##### desperately pleaded, hoped.
#####'s request was recieved...
But it did not help.
Nothing stopped. Nothing let down.
Everything just kept being as painful as it used to be.
What did I do to deserve this?!
What did I-?...
What... I...
...
What am I?
A new emotion formed, but this one felt more powerful.
What's my name?
Suddenly, the lights all around didn't feel as irritating anymore.
Do I... deserve peace?
The new emotion felt was important.
It was an important part of #####.
...
Self-doubt.
Contrary to all the previous emotions, ##### knew the name of this one. It felt oddly familiar.
Did I do anything to truly deserve peace? I feel like I don't deserve peace. I don't deserve to rest.
I don't remember doing anything worthy of rest.
...
Why don't I remember anything?!
Panic.
Why am I so calm?! Why don't I remember my parents faces?! Why is everything filled with pitch black?!
The sheer panic was enough to cause an outburst.
What is happening?!
That thought was enough to stop #####'s thought process, so ##### started paying attention to what was happening around again.
Fire. Earth. Light. Ice. Wind. Light. Rainbow. Light. Light.
Why was the rainbow familiar? Why was the light familiar? Why was the wind the most familiar? Why did everything seem so familiar yet so distant?
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
...
...
...
Darkness. Everything went pitch black again.
##### was panicking. ##### was questioning everything.
##### wanted to know what was truly happening.
...But ##### also didn't.
What if the knowledge was painful? What if the process of obtaining said knowledge was painful?
Besides that's too much work. What does it matter if this is not real? What does it matter if I don't know what's happening? I can still enjoy this.
Laziness had taken hold of #####'s thought process.
What does it matter if I don't deserve this?
I can still be happy.
Truly, the previous thoughts seemed stupid now.
If being here brought immense joy, what did it matter?
##### wanted to feel happy, so anything else was obsolete.
...
But a nagging feeling still tormented . Like something was still missing... no, it wasn't as easy as that.
It was more like ##### wasn't being #####'s true self. Something was different from how ##### should be.
To get rid of this little nagging feeling, ##### started looking into the darkness again. ##### couldn't appreciate it as much as at the start, but it was still somewhat calming.
But then, from not too far away, a small blue dot could be seen.
What's that?
It was peculiar.
##### could feel a connection with whatever that was. The connection was so strong that ##### tried making a swimming motion to try and move towards it, it was futile, but it was a try.
Once the blue dot got closer, ##### understood that this was a part of #####'s being.
The missing part that ##### didn't know about completed #####.
...But the nagging feeling didn't go away. Something was still wrong. ##### was still wrong.
It was then that ##### noticed that a letter was in #####'s hands.
How did I not notice this?
##### looked at the folded letter for a while.
...Should I read this?
##### was scared. ##### was confused.
What if the letter had painful information in it? What if obtaining that information would make ##### break?
##### was already on the verge of breaking after the peaceful life in the darkness was interrupted, this letter might be the final straw.
Anxiety.
But that wasn't all was feeling.
The missing memories, the unknown name, the familiarity of the wind, ##### wanted to know the reasons for that as well.
It was a battle, a battle within.
One side which didn't care about the information, and the other that wanted to find out everything to make sure nothing was wrong.
But before the battle could finish, a third power stepped into play.
Without even thinking about it, #####'s hands opened the letter.
This was so sudden, that before ##### could turn away, ##### saw the first two words on it.
'To Cylob'
...
...
...
##### couldn't move.
C#### couldn't describe this feeling.
C##o# couldn't understand this feeling.
Cy#o# didn't know why he had forgotten.
Cy#ob didn't know how he had forgotten.
...Yes, my name is Cylob.
He knew this wasn't his real name. He knew this was a name made up on the spot.
He might not have the memories, but the feelings were still properly translateed to him.
This name was fake... but he didn't dislike that fact.
He had gotten used to this name, attached even.
I might not know my real name... but Cylob sounds better anyway.
Cylob had decided to now fully accept his new name.
And with that new knowledge, his desire to read the letter had exploded. The nagging feeling he had subsided a bit as well.
His eyes were brought to the letter once again.
'You may call yourself lazy, but you help other people whenever they're in trouble, even if it doesn't concern you.'
The first thought he had when he read the next sentence was: Weird.
Who starts a letter like that? Normally there would be pleasantries exchanged, but this one immediately got into the meat of things. He didn't dislike this fact, actually, he quite liked it, but it was still weird.
The second thought he had was: That's true.
He understood and agreed with what was written in the letter.
He called himself lazy, but he was actually annoyingly stubborn in things he wanted to do.
If he felt that he owed somebody, he would try his best to repay them.
He wasn't as lazy as he thought he was.
*crack*
At that sudden sound, Cylob started franticly looking around him.
He looked all around the darkness, but nothing seemed to be different.
The pitch black was giving off an ominous feeling now though.
He decided to read the letter further.
'You call yourself weak and useless, but I know that's not the case. I think that you're comparing yourself to the wrong people.'
Cylob... partly agreed with this.
He knew exactly how strong he was, it was just that he needed to be even stronger.
Of course, when looking at the people around him, he would feel a sense of inferiority, so it's not like this didn't have any merit.
Still, he did act like he was weak, so he could understand how someone could get that impression of him. And his sense of inferiority was there, so it's not like it wasn't a problem.
He shouldn't compare himself to people who have more experience than him.
*crack*
This time around, Cylob didn't even notice the sound of cracking, as he was too deep in thought.
This is... weird.
I know how I act, I know what I am, and yet my memories are nowhere to be found.
Can all of this knowledge really be from feelings? I know that feelings are powerful but... Just what is going on with me?
The sensation of not having memories was complicated, and he couldn't explain it no matter how much he thought.
I'm going off track. I should focus on what really matters.
Before he could go further into the rabbit hole that was his memories, he focused on the letter once again.
'To be honest, I feel like you overthink things too much. You worry too much for your own good and you're contsantly on edge. You should let yourself loose more.'
True, true.
He was constanly anxious of upsetting the people around him, so he tried his best to act in a good way towards everyone.
It didn't always work, and his emotions sometimes made him say bad things, but he tried his best.
Constantly being a people pleaser is hard.
He should let himself be himself more.
*crack*
He was too enthralled by the letter to react to the sound. He just kept reading.
'But most of all, you are kind. Extremely kind. The kindest person I know. So kind, that's it's detrimental for you... Be kind to yourself as well, please.'
...
"...Ah."
For the first time, he had spoken. And it was because:
"The nagging feeling... is gone."
He had finally understood what that feeling of incompletion was.
"I didn't know that I was kind."
As soon as he said that, a soothing feeling had assailed him. It was the same soothing feeling from before, but he was not the same.
He now understood, something like this wasn't normal, wasn't natural. Something was trying to keep him from knowing that he was kind.
His mind was slowly getting taken over. The memories of the letter were slowly being erased.
"I haven't finished it yet!"
He quickly skims through the rest of it.
Most of it was a repeat of previous points, so he just skipped that. He was in a race against time.
But the last words stood out.
'From Caroline.'
...
Orange hair. Cyan eyes.
Caroline.
He... remembered it.
Caroline.
The image of a beautiful girl was clearly in his memories.
Caroline.
That look of hers... that memory of her... it affected him.
That orange hair was burning away the darkness in his mind.
*crack*
Those cyan eyes were washing away the leftover ashes.
*crack*
He... remembered it.
Without any warning, without any further sound, the darkness around him broke.
Around him, a white expanse with nothing in it was all he could see.
...But not for long. The white world started being filled up.
Images, pictures, videos- no... memories
Memories flooded into this white world.
Soon, the white could not be seen. Cylob was completely surrounded by memories, by his memories.
Just like the white world, his head was being filled up with memories as well.
His parents, his friends, his relationships.
Everything that he knew, everything that happened in his life was now flooding into him.
But it didn't hurt. And since it didn't, Cylob decided to take advantage of this situation.
He was calm, extremely so.
He was seeing his whole life through a calm lense, almost as if looking at someone else's life. Taking in every detail, thinking about it from different points of view.
He wasn't wasting his chance at seeing all the mistakes he made.
Sometimes he cringed, sometimes he cried, sometimes he laughed. But that was the he from the memories. Right here, right now, Cylob was calm and taking in the information.
He made sure to overlook every moment, every second.
Where did he go wrong, where he did good. But most importantly-
How he thought of himself
Then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped.
The constant flood of information was finally gone.
"I... see..."
That was all that Cylob could say.
After seeing his life for the first(?) second(?) time, he came to a conclusion.
"I'm too scared to turn into the previous me."
He saw how he was before he got into this new world.
To be honest, he wasn't too bad.
He went to school, got moderate grades, went to dancing lessons.
He wasn't lazy, he wasn't ungrateful.
"But I still felt like I wasn't enough."
From the very day he turned 13, he viewed himself through a very hateful lense.
Constantly not doing enough, constantly not being good enough, constantly not putting in enough effort.
"I hated myself and... I still do."
Re:Zero was a very hopeful story for him.
Subaru was the same as him. Subaru hated himself too, so he felt kinship towards him.
He wanted to see how Subaru overcame that goal, so that maybe he could copy it and start liking himself as well.
Still, he wasn't in another world, he couldn't revert time after death, he couldn't copy Subaru.
Then, he got sent here.
He tried his best to cast away his previous self.
He tried his best to start from zero.
But just like Subaru, he couldn't.
The feelings from before carried over, and that affected him greatly.
"Even now, I'm running away from my previous self."
He looked at his hair. It was long and cyan.
He wanted to be reliable, he wanted to not be detrimental, so he took on the appearance of Rimuru. It was the natural reaction from his subconscious.
He wanted to completely forget his previous self, so that not even mirrors would remind him.
"But that bit me in the back."
When he finally faced his previous self after so long, his emotions went crazy. He couldn't deny some outside interference, but the fear came from himself.
"Still... I don't want to return to the previous me."
He didn't want to be like his previous self, but now it was for another reason entirely.
"I... won't hate myself anymore."
After taking a look at his own life, after experiencing all those things again, he finally realized just how wrong he was acting.
Nobody, not even the people that he failed to save, would want him to hate himself.
By hating himself, he was sullying the memories of all those people.
He wouldn't do that anymore.
"I'm still a long way from loving myself... but it's a start. Let's start by just disliking myself."
He looked at his cyan hair.
This was the hair that he had when he hated himself. He wanted to cast away that hate.
He remembered it.
His hair started burning. It was set on flames, but it didn't hurt.
After the hair was shortened, the flames erupted into a pillar before dissipating.
What was left was short orange hair, the colour similar to the image in his mind.
He remembered it.
He couldn't see it, but he could feel his eyes slowly changing.
From shining gold, to calm cyan,the colour similar to the image in his mind.
"This is... the new me."
He wasn't imaginative, so all he could do was copy, but that was good enough.
The image of the person who saved him from thedarkness, the image of the person who made him remember.
That image was just fine for his new look, wasn't it?
"Thank you Caroline... and Ashna."
He could feel it. The help he recieved from both of them was indesputable.
He was truly happy that he had gotten out of that darkness.
He finally stopped hating himself. Hecould finally look forward to the future.
But there was still one problem...
...
...
...
"Um... how do I get out of here?"