Crusch was slavin- ehem, working me to the bone. The amount of paperwork seemed unending and I could feel my brain melting from all the reading.

The words were now getting smushed together in my vision, and I swear that I could see the letters moving around and shifting right in front of me.

It would be fine if this was normal reading, I had spent entire days reading without end in my past world, but the words used here were all very complicated. And it's not like I learned this world's language to such an extent that I could read it on the level of my original one.

To put it shortly, I was completely exhausted.

And it hasn't even been 2 hours...

I slumped down on my desk with a *thud*. (I had carried this desk here along with my chair from my room.)

I have to get out of doing this somehow...

After thinking for literally less than a second, I found my solution to freedom.

Cylob: "Crusch-sama, it's monday today, is it not yet time for the conference?"

Crusch: "It's been delayed until friday." She didn't even look away from her paper.

All my hopes and dreams were crusched in just an instant. I wanted to shout in protest, but I didn't have the energy to.

Cylob: "Why didn't I hear anything about this?"

Crusch: "It's the reason Reinhard was here yesterday. He wouldn't come here for no reason."

Yesterday's situations all clicked in place, but that didn't help my current mental state.

Hmm... Think, Cylob, think! You have to come up with something! Find a reason to get out of this situation...!

I was being lazy, but I didn't care. I wanted to have a rest no matter what.

I already gave back Caroline's groceries this morning, which I forgot to do yesterday(oops). Training isn't a good enough excuse. Maybe I could try talking to the other Royal Selection candidates, but I guess that's a bad idea since I'm now officially in Crusch's camp... wait a minute-

Cylob: "Crusch-sama, did you tell the other Royal Selection candidates about the future?"

Now that I thought about it, all of this started with my meeting with Anastasia, which I wanted to have mostly to tell her the future. Of course there was the goal of findng out what the Council Of Elders were planning, but that was secondary to my actual goal back then.

Crusch: "Not yet."

Cylob: "Why not?"

Crusch: "First of all, I've been bombarded with paperwork these past few days." She sent a glare my way, at which I winced. "Second of all, they'd most likely not believe me, and I don't have the time to think about how to convince them."

Cylob: "Can't you bring it up during the conference? You'll have Reinhard to vouch for you there."

Crusch: "Just because I'm telling the truth doesn't mean I'm right. At worst, they might even think that I've gone mad."

I could do nothing but grumble at that revelation.

The only reason Crusch believed me is because she spent a long time with me, but that's not the case with others. Even if I do come to them and say it, they'd just think I'm crazy or something...

In my exhaustion my eyelids slowly started to lower.

But just as soon as I closed my eyes, I saw the resentful and hurtful gazes of corpses.

I jolted into an upright position in an instant.

Safety first. Safety. First.

It was still too risky to ask. I couldn't have all my hopes and dreams crushed before I even secured my safety. Acting in a destroyed mental state was not something I could do, so I had to preservere in my current one.

But will I even last...?

The extention of time from today all the way to friday was just too much. I could've easily been able to get through it if I could sleep, but since the action of closing my eyes made me recall that scene, that was impossible.

I shook my head to get rid of the negative thoughts and focused on the paperwork once again. Sure, it was draining, but it was nothing compared to the dread of death.

The more I worked, the more I appreciated just how difficult the paperwork was. I didn't have the time to focus on anything else, which was freeing in a sense.

But that sensation disappeared after 2 hours.

The sight started appearing in between the papers. That small moment of respite was all it took for the negative feeling to attack me. They quickly went away once I focused once again, but my mind was slowly being chipped away.I wanted to go faster, but that would risk damaging the papers, so I had no choice but to accept that slight chipping.

Without realizing it, I had used my ultra intense focus. Nothing existed besides the papers and me. Nothing else mattered.

Whenever I read, I would use Thought Acceleration to spend the least amount of time possible.

In my intense focus, I sought respite. Respite from the dread and unease that followed me.

Still, the moment between the pages couldn't be deleted. The slow chipping continued.

The sun set, but I didn't notice that. The flow of time didn't matter to me. All that mattered was escaping the dread.

But in my escapism, I even further damaged myself.

Between the paragraphs. Between the sentences. Between the the smallest of moments were enough. The sight hunted me.

The unease was gnawing at my soul, but all I had to do was last until friday.

All I had to do was last until friday.

I started putting my brain into overdrive, not allowing me even a moment of rest, as rest meant unease, and unease meant dread, and dread meant- no no no, why was HE even thinking about this? HE had to focus. Focus focus focus.

...

...

...No, this isn't right.

He shook his head. He had no choice. This was the most logical decision to make.

!

He tried to drown out the voice from within him and kept focusing...

...

...

..-

He was flicked on the forehead.

"Eh?"

Suddenly, everything returned. In a world where only him and the papers existed, the light from the sun, the chair he had been sitting on, the desk he had been writing on, all of it came back.

And in front of him, the figure of Crusch also made its appearance.

Crusch: "Seriously, what is wrong with you? You seem all fine one moment, and the other you completely lose your mind."

I rubbed the spot she flicked, she put quite the power behind it, so it hurt a lot.

I glared at her, for more reason than one. Her interference broke my focus, and the dreadful scenery was playing in my head non-stop.

She sighed in exasperation.

Crusch: "Of course people died."

At that sudden declaration, that I wasn't prepared for at all, i couldn't help but wince pathetically.

I hanged my head dow-

I got flicked in the forehead.

I was getting pissed at this point, but I didn't allow the anger to overtake me, I didn't want to attack Crusch.

Crusch: "Those people were all knights, they were prepared to give their life away."

I already knew that, so that didn't help my mental state.

I killed people... I hate myse-

Flick.

Crusch: "You still have that pathetic look on your face. Do not make my evaluation of you be wrong."

What do you want me to do?! I wanted to shout.

She was annoying me to no end, and it's not like there was anything I could do.

I was made this way. This kindness that I had was too much for me to bear. All I could do was wallow in self-guilt.

Yes, I'm not even useless. I'm worse than useless.

Once that realization hit me, nothing mattered anymore. No crying, no shouting.I was in a state similar to static. I could do nothing but look nowhere with an empty gaze.

In truth, I didn't feel anything. No emotions, nothing. All that was left was me.

Crusch: "*sigh* Did you already forget the advice you gave to Reinhard?"

Advice to Reinhard? I advised him to... talk. Yes, to talk. Why am I not doing that?

Cylob: "I get that they were prepared to die, but... they had families. Their families must be grieving their deaths. I can't forgive myself for that."

I stared into Crusch with an empty gaze. I was prepared to go into a battle of words. After all, I wouldn't lose.

Crusch: "So what are you going to do? Are you going to coop yourself up in a bubble of despair? Or are you actually going to do something to make sure that their deaths were not meaningless?"

Cylob: "But... death follows me. So far, I've done nothing but bring death. In reality, I haven't actually saved anyone. Both you and Rem would still be alive, even without my intervention. I'm sure that Obuch suffered the fate they did because of me as well. Is it not just better... to die?"

Crusch: "So what, are you just going to dump all the work on others? Are not even going to try?"

Cylob: "This is not a problem of not trying or dumping the work on others. My existence just makes death happen. Is it not correct to get rid of such an existence?"

The more I thought, the more I agreed with the Dragon Tablet. Me being eliminated was the best solution.

Crusch: "*sigh* So you give up."

Cylob: "I mean, it's the most logical thing to do."

At that, her gaze turned from concerned to a glare filled with hatred.

Crusch: "One moment you're too emotional, the other you're too emotionless. Why can't you understand that neither side is right?"

I cocked my head to the side.

Cylob: "What do you mean?"

Crusch: "You'll understand if you just think about it. Think. And don't go too far into either side. Think with both your emotions and your logic at the same time. Don't tell me this is all you amount to."

I decided to follow that advice.

The most logical conclusion is for me to die.

There's no better path.

...

But I don't want to die!

What I want doesn't matter. What matters are lives that are going to be lost.

But what about the people around me?! They have emotions too! They are gonna be sad!

Them being sad is better than them being dead.

Who's to say that they're going to die?! You're just overly pessimistic!

I'm... huh.

I am being far too pessimistic about this whole thing.

I forgot what kind of world this is. This is Re:Zero.

Brutal deaths, crazy psycopaths, mind-bending pain. All of that is in droves in this crazy world.

Going without death was far too naive, and thinking that all death was because of me is way too pessimistic.

I had always said to myself that I was being realistic, but in reality, I was just trying to justify that my thoughts were not wrong. And all of that was for a weird sense of self-worth and confidence.

I was being a baby once again. Even Subaru understood that he couldn't save everyone in the Whale Hunt, and I was still stuck on that stage of self-growth.

I had to stop being naive.

...

"*sigh* I kinda don't like how easily I resolved myself."

At that, Crusch raised her eyebrow at me.

Crusch: "What do you mean by that?"

Cylob: "Well, to get rid of my earlier problem of self-hate, I literally turned into a world-destroying shadow. But right here, right now, I resolved my problem of naivety with no hardships."

Crusch: "Did you want it to be harder?"

Cylob: "I don't know... maybe some consequences or something? It feels too weird to just think about it and it fixes itself."

Crusch smirks.

Crusch: "If you weren't capable of that, I wouldn't have taken you into my camp."

Cylob: "Sure sure, whatever you say."

There's no way Crusch could actually predict so accurately what I could and couldn't do. She was probably just trying to look big here.

Crusch: "Now, take a break."

She forcefully yanked me out of my seat with such speed that I could feel my vision blur for a bit.

Cylob: "Eh?"

Crusch: "You worked all the way throughout the night. And not only that, your speed also exceded expectations. So rest."

I got what I wanted yesterday... but I feel conflicted here.

Still, I couldn't refuse my boss, so I agreed to take a break.

.▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒░▒.

I was walking through the streets of the capital without a particular goal in mind.

...I don't like it.

I was still hung up on how easily I decided to throw away my naivety.

It was... too sudden. Too easy.

It felt like I didn't work towards this goal at all, it was just given to me.

Why can't I be happy when I did something good so easily?

I knew the reason for that, it was because-

I... really don't want my naivety to go, huh.

The naive thought of no death surely brought me great pains, but I still didn't want to throw it away. It felt like if I did, I would lose something that makes me human... what makes me an earthling.

Aha... I can't throw away my attachment.

That was the problem.

I was attached to my old world. Attached to what I was taught there, atttached to the thinking that I used back there.

If I got rid of my naivety, I would throw away that attachment.

Is this what it's like to become an adult...?

To throw away the naivety that everything will be fine... isn't that what adults do?

To face the world in its true colors, not painting over it with unreasonable hopes... was I ready for that?

Yes, this is good. This is how it's supposed to be.

I was feeling like throwing away my naivety was actually hard now. And that's exactly what I wanted.

If I kept my naivety, I could live in a world full of fake bright colors. Now that I had stopped being so pessimistic, I would always have the hope that no one would die going further. My view was going to get put into question given enough time and deaths, which would make me go into terrible despair, but the time before that would be bright and full of hope. Fake naive hope, but hope nonetheless.

But if I decided to throw it away, the world would lose its shine. I would have to constantly understand that the world is never going to be exactly how I want it. I would lose yet another connection to my old world. But on the bright side, the despair would be much less when someone died.

"The adult thing to do would be to pick the second option."

Which is exactly why I decided to pick the first one for now.

I wanted to live in a world full of bright colors, but I knew that I wouldn't last like that.

So... I'm just gonna switch when the time is right. It's as easy as that.

I'm going to switch between being naive and not depending on the situation.

It was a bad solution. It was the solution of child.

But I don't mind that fact.

Now that throwing away my naivety was a hard goal, I could relax.

It was weird to think about, but it being hard was relieving.

...

...I'm not turning into some sort of masochist, am I?

I shook my head. There's no way I was a masochist in any way of the sort.

I realized how I'll deal with the deaths that are going to happen, but I already know how to deal with deaths that have already happened.

I was just going to work hard, making sure that their deaths were not in vain. I'm going to try my best to bring as much happiness into the world, so that I may repay the world for all the deaths that happened.

It was... the best excuse I could come up with.