Xin wasn't sure how she should feel.
Gaara was very obviously avoiding her after the fiasco Saturday night that ended with her drugged and unconscious. Really, she couldn't understand why Gaara and Temari insisted on taking the blame for that night and they even seemed disappointed that she simply wouldn't blame them.
Masochists, perhaps.
She wasn't all that surprised when his attention suddenly waned. She wasn't sure what conclusion he'd come to but whatever it was, it didn't involve her. And she tried to not let it bother her, to remain neutral in her feelings because after all, she was the one who originally wanted to be left alone.
But people were allowed to change their minds, right? She still wanted to be...well, she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted when it came to Gaara and the company he kept. He was a danger, they all were but not to her, at least she didn't think so. And besides, she told Temari that they could be friends.
Xin wondered what she'd done wrong.
'Everything.' Kazuya's voice sneered, nestled somewhere in the dark corners of her mind. 'You can't do shit right.'
Xin tried to shake those words away, she hadn't done anything wrong, not to her knowledge. Even so, he didn't want to be bothered, if his dry one-worded text messages were anything to go by. There was no sense in forcing her company onto him, not if he didn't want her around. She might not be too bright but she could take a hint.
Once more, she was all alone in the Big City and she didn't like that so much, not the second time around.
"Are you alright, Xin?"
Well, that wasn't entirely true. If Xin was truly alone like she so dramatically claimed, it was only because she forced herself to be. Seiko was proving to be rather determined in nurturing their friendship. She was almost like Gaara and Temari in her patience with Xin's caginess.
She smiled wanly at Seiko, taking a moment to admire the other woman's beauty. "I'm fine, sorry, I was spacing out again."
Seiko returned the smile, though hers was soft and kind. She reached over and tentatively placed her hand over Xin's hand. "If you need to talk about something, anything, I'm a great listener." Maybe she was being too pushy, Xin would only allow so much of her pushiness before she felt like her boundaries were being crossed.
Xin's smile seemed to brighten a little before she suddenly pursed her lips, unsure.
"Do you want to grab some food after work? My treat or we can split the bill." It was easier to get her to agree if Seiko suggested splitting the bill, she learned.
As always, Xin's immediate reaction was to reject the offer. But she realized that she wanted to hang out with Seiko, she wanted to go to some restaurant and feel like a regular twenty-something, enjoying her freedom. There was nothing to fear here, Kazuya wasn't going to show up and drag her away.
"That sounds great."
When they finished up work, they decided on a hot pot restaurant Seiko heard about. It was within walking distance and though fairly busy, they were seated quickly.
Seiko didn't bring up Xin's odd mood as of late, deciding that it was better to let Xin figure out if she even wanted to talk about whatever was bothering her. Instead they enjoyed the food and Seiko spent several minutes listening to Xin talk about how her family used to eat hot pot under the kotatsu during the cold months. It was the most she ever spoke about her family.
"You're a twin?" Seiko blinked.
Xin smiled, it amused her with how surprised others turned out to be when they found out that she was a twin. "We're nothing alike, if that's your next question. She's got some actual sense."
Seiko paused with a frown. "Don't put yourself down like that, you're as sensible as they come."
That was a fuckin' lie but Xin didn't argue. She wasn't sure what Seiko's angle was, what with all this positive and peppy bullshit but she was stubborn. If she protested the statement, Seiko would only push back to prove Xin's supposed sensibility. If she knew of Xin's past, she'd change her mind but that wasn't a hill Xin was going to die on, not right now.
When Xin didn't argue or say anything else for that matter, Seiko cleared her throat. "I hope I'm not overstepping..." She was but Xin was willing to let it go for now, just to see where the conversation would lead to. "But you've been a little distracted for a while now, is something bothering you?"
Yes, her crime lord friend was giving her the cold shoulder and she actually missed both his presence and his gaggle of criminals that came with him. How was she supposed to explain something like that to Seiko? Why did she even entertain a friendship with them in the first place? They were clearly bad news and she'd had quite enough bad news for a lifetime.
"Um," Xin floundered. The problem was that she actually liked Seiko, she appreciated the woman's efforts in maintaining their friendship but she just didn't know how to open up to her. Still, she didn't want to offend her or run her off by clamming up too tightly. "I..think a friend of mine might be avoiding meâ." There. That was a start, wasn't it? And it was mostly true, Gaara was avoiding her, somewhat.
For a moment, Seiko's face lit up with elation but she quickly schooled her features before it ran Xin off. "What makes you think that?"
Again, Xin kind of floundered. "Um, I went to a club with his sister, we're friends now too, I guess. Anyway, some guy ended up roofieing me, so it kind of ruined the night."
This time, Seiko's expression completely fell. She blinked, trying to comprehend what Xin just said and leaned forward. "Sorry, wait, did you say someone roofied you? Like, they spiked your drink and you drank it?"
"Un? Yeah, turns out, it's not very pleasant. I couldn't walk for hours after I woke up, my friend literally carried me around."
"Xin, oh my God. Were you assaulted?"
"What? No, of course not. I locked myself in the bathroom and called my friend and they came and got me out. Nothing really bad happened to me, besides being drugged."
"..People aren't so usually blasé about something like this happening to them."
Xin frowned at that because Seiko was looking at her the same way Gaara and Temari looked at her when she waved their apologies off. Maybe she could've been more upset about the situation but what would that do? It wouldn't change the fact that her drink was spiked. She couldn't track the idiot down, she could only do what she could and that was to just move on.
"I think maybe I made him uncomfortable? Well, them." This wasn't just about Gaara, she reminded herself. Temari had gone silent on her too. "I think that's why he probably won't want to be friends anymore."
Seiko openly peered at Xin, frowning in thought. "You can't just assume that's the reason."
Xin blinked. "Why not?"
"Did he say that's what it was?"
"Well, no.."
"Maybe it's something else, maybe it's just life. Can't say for sure unless you ask him straight up. Would you just want him making assumptions about you?"
She felt chastised at that moment and a little guilty. Was she just making assumptions? Not everything revolved around her, after all. It could very well be that he had a lot going on in his life and here she was, making it about herself. What if someone stabbed him again and he was laid up in a hospital?
Xin slumped, picking pathetically at their shared hot pot. "Well, now I feel like shit. I guess I didn't think of it like that." Who the hell was she to think she mattered that much to someone?
Seiko leaned across to the table and rested a reassuring hand over Xin's. "I'm not saying this to make you feel that way. I'm just saying that moping won't do you any good, you might be moping for nothing. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping."
"You worry a lot," Xin pointed out thoughtlessly.
"You have boundaries and I don't want to cross them."
"Boundaries? Who said I had boundaries?"
"Your actions, I suppose."
By that, she probably meant her standoffish ways and her general lack of social skills. She must not have been doing a great job at being hard to approach because there she was, having dinner with a coworker. It didn't leave a bad taste in her mouth, to her surprise. Xin had to remind herself that she was allowed to have friends and allowed to have relationships. Kazuya wasn't here to drag her away by her hair.
"It's not a bad thing," Seiko interrupted her thoughts. "Your boundaries, everyone's allowed to have them. I'm just saying I want to respect them but still be there for you too."
"Why?" These people confused the hell out of Xin. She was under the impression that city folk generally minded their damn business and kept to themselves. How had she run into several different people who seemed to genuinely like her? And they wanted nothing in return? Except for her friendship. It was mind boggling.
"Because I think you could use some kindness. I could use some kindness too. I don't meet a lot of women who aren't put off by my sexuality. It was nice, honestly, when you kind of just brushed it off."
Had she brushed it off? She wasn't sure what else she was supposed to do with Seiko's sexuality other than just accept it. Honestly, she felt a little sorry for Seiko, that she was one of the few that weren't put off by her sexuality in the first place. It was just another reminder that she wasn't the only one fighting her inner demons every day, she guessed. She almost said as much but decided not to, even she could hear how rude that was before even saying it out loud.
Instead, Xin smiled wanly. "We could all use a little more kindness, hm?"
Xin stared down at her phone, contemplating on whether she wanted to reach out to Gaara first. There was a small part of her that was still insisting on being petty and not being the first to reach out. It wasn't like she'd done anything wrongâ"
She clicked the call button.
"Please don't pick up, don't pick up," she chanted quietly, wondering why on Earth she was doing this in the first place. It was simple, really, if she really bothered to think about it. The problem was that she wasn't made for a life of seclusion. She was a chatterbox, a people person before Kazuya beat it out of her. She liked socializing, was made for it and sheâshe missed it.
She missed the person she was before Kazuya ruined her. She wasn't allowed to be that person for years and now that she'd broken away from him, now that he couldn't hurt her, she could be that person again. Or she could try.
"Xin?"
"Oh!" Xin startled. "You picked up."
"Yeah? Isn't that what you're supposed to do when someone's calling you? Pick up?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah but I didn't think you'd pick up? You've been giving me the cold shoulder and I was just callingâbecauseâ.wellâ" she trailed off, losing her nerve for a moment. What right didâ"no. That was the negativity talking. She had feelings and they mattered, dammit. "Are you upset with me? Because of the club thing?"
"...What?"
Xin frowned stubbornly. "You heard me just fine. Are you upset with me? If you are, well, I don't know why you would be but I deserve to know if you're just going to start ignoring me. It's notâit's not nice."
She heard Gaara take a deep breath before exhaling heavily. "Where are you?"
"I'm on my way home."
"You're just now on your way home? Did you have another late shift at your job?"
"No, I went out for hotpot with my friend."
There was a long pause on his end. "I'm not...it's not because of the club."
"Then what is it?"
"This is not something I want to talk about over the phone."
She pouted though he couldn't see it. It was late and she couldn't afford to see him tonight, she had to get home and get to bed. "Maybe we could meet up this weekend? Or after I'm done with work tomorrow?" She wanted to know about whatever was eating his ass up to the point that he felt the need to ignore her.
He chuckled in her ear. "You askin' me out on a date, Angel?"
She flushed terribly and let out a strangled squawk, a sound that should have put him off but only served to make him laugh. It wasn't his normal chuckle of amusement but a genuine laugh that made her smile slowly. She realized, of course, her folly and quickly wiped that smile off her face. There was no one around to see it but she bit her bottom lip all the while.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That sounds fine, we can meet up tomorrow. I'll pick you up and we can talk. You want to eat?"
"...I could eat."
His laughter died down into his usual chuckles of amusement. "Atta' girl. I have to go and handle some things now but I'll let you know when I'm on my way. Oh, and Xin?"
"Hm?"
"Wear something pretty for me."
Shocked, Xin could only gape and listen to the sound of him hanging up the phone. She was already blushing but she had to guess that she looked like a ridiculous tomato, gaping at nothing in particular. Why he felt the need to tease her like that was beyond her and what pissed her off the most was the tendril of warmth sitting snug in her chest.
For fuck's sake.
Her phone didn't ring again until she was safely home and for a moment she wondered if it was Gaara, calling to take his flirtations back. She almost didn't answer, feigning ignorance only to realize that it wasn't Gaara calling but Temari.
Temari didn't even bother with a proper greeting when Xin answered the phone call. "So you're going on a date with my brother."
These siblings would be the end of her, she thought dramatically, choking on her spit. Xin haphazardly kicked her shoes off only to pause to meticulously fix them into place. "So," she cleared her throat. "Done with giving me the silent treatment?"
This time, Temari made a noise of derision. "Please, we aren't twelve year olds. I wasn't giving you the silent treatment."
"Cold shoulder?" Xin prompted innocently, plopping down on her raggedy couch. It was pretty shitty, she idly thought, but what did anyone really expect? Couches were expensive as fuck, way too expensive for her to splurge and get an actual nice one. She peeled her stockings off, pinching and massaging her feet.
Temari loudly sucked her teeth. "It wasn't my idea, I told him to just get over himself and talk to you, he likes you so why suffer? You know how stupid men can be when they get wrapped up in their thoughts."
Xin chose to ignore Temari's statement of Gaara liking her. They were just friends, he liked her as a friend and that was all. Men and women could be friends. This wasn't a date, was it? Sure, Gaara joked that she basically asked him out on a date but that's not what she meant and he knew that, right?
Right?
"Anyway," Temari said loudly, crackling in Xin's ear. "I'll pick you up from work tomorrow. I have this really nice dress already picked out, I can just see how nice it'll look on you and—"
"Wait, what?"
"We both know you don't have any clothes worthy of a date night."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because you're a penny-pincher and I doubt you'd spend money on something frivolous like date clothes."
Xin gaped, offended. "That isn't true, what about the red dress I wore to your fashion show? It was from your line!"
Temari snorted. "Ten bucks says you bought that the day before."
She floundered noisily, sputtering in indignation. "That's besides the fuckin' point. I can just wear that dress again."
Why did Gaara even feel the need to tell his sister about this? Well, to be fair, he probably didn't tell her, she probably just listened in on his conversation with Xin. She had, after all, told him to get over himself and just call her, she probably stood there and watched him have the conversation. How else would she know as fast as she did?
"You can't and you won't! You can't wear that shit again, you already wore it. Listen, you can try to fight me on this but I'll still be parked outside your job tomorrow with what I want you to wear. Stop fighting it and just accept it, it's easier this way."
Xin groaned and flopped backwards on the couch. "We're just...it's not a date, we're just talking."
"You can just talk and still look scrumptious."
She slapped a hand over her eyes and wondered for the umpteenth time what she'd done to get herself in a situation like this. Oh yeah, that's right, she ran away from home and helped a goddamn gangster from bleeding to death in a random ass alleyway. Life certainly comes at you fast because she did not see this shit coming. Friends with said gangster's sister and bickering about whether she was going on a date with the aforementioned gangster.
It was not a fuckin' date, dammit.
Temari was right though, whether she bickered with her or not, Temari would be present outside of her job tomorrow. She couldn't do anything to stop the blonde, not really. Maybe she could cry about it, everyone always seemed to be uncomfortable with a crying woman. But that was just fuckin' childish and she liked to think she still had some dignity left, if any.
Xin groaned, knowing a lost battle for what it was. "Okay, okay, fine but just please, nothing ridiculous, okay? I don't want to look like an idiot, I mean, he's probably just going to take me to a ramen stand or for sushi."
Temari muttered under her breath, "Not if I can fuckin' help it."
"Un?"
"Nothing, nothing. Don't worry, you're going to look great, trust me."
They spoke for a few more minutes, Temari having to reassure Xin that she wouldn't put her in anything ridiculous before ending the call. Xin remained there on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. Her mind was blank for the moment, something she appreciated. All her thoughts as of lately were downright exhausting. She didn't want to think about the possibility of their meetup being a date and why Gaara hadn't been talking to her. She didn't want to think about Seiko's sage advice or Temari's insistence on what to wear. She didn't want to think about Kazuya and what he might say or think if he could see her now.
Well, to be fair, if he could see her now, he probably wouldn't say much. He'd probably be too busy trying to strangle her to death for having the audacity to think for herself.
No, she didn't want to think any of it.
So for once, she didn't.
"Hey there, hot stuff," Temari grinned saucily, lounging against the hood of her car that Friday afternoon. Xin wondered why they all insisted on announcing their presence the same way, leaning against an expensive car but they all looked damn good doing it. She doubted that she would ever achieve that level of suave and wondered if it was a criminal thing.
"Hi," she replied lamely, sliding right in. There was no use fighting, no use in trying to talk Temari out of her mission to put her in her clothes. "Um, are we going to my apartment?" It occurred to her that they would, since Gaara said he'd pick her up from her place but the thought of having Temari in her shitty little space did not sit right with her.
Gaara, Kankuro and Jura had been to her place but it didn't really bother her that they'd been there and she couldn't say why. Maybe it was because Temari was also a woman, that she would no doubt judge her shitty apartment and lack of taste. Gaara already pointed out that her couch was shitty and it was but Temari pointing it out would honestly hurt her feelings.
"Yeah, where else would we go?" Temari prompted, looking at Xin over the rim of her stylish sunglasses. Xin's heart sank to her feet. Of course. "Now come on, put your address in and let's get a move on. Your reservations are at eight and we still have to decide which dress you'll wear."
"You brought more than one?" Xin agonized but tapped her address in.
"It's just two dresses. Both black, black's a great color and you're a little pale. Too much color has a tendency to wash you out."
"Won't black make me look sickly?"
"Look at you, knowing some things about color theory. Color me impressed."
They made small talk, Temari asking about Xin's day though she was sure she didn't really care. It wasn't like Xin's job was exciting or anything like that, she did the same secretariat work every day. She wasn't complaining, of course, she quite liked the mundane of it but compared to fashion designing, it couldn't be all that interesting. Likewise, Temari told Xin about her day but she worried she was boring her with all her talk of colors and fabrics and accessories.
"Please don't judge me," Xin sighed as they came to a stop in front of her apartment. "It's shit, I know."
"But it's yours," Temari climbed out of the car first. "It's the first apartment you managed to get after leaving home, isn't it?"
Xin rubbed the back of her neck and led Temari to the front door. "Yeah, it is," she said quietly and opened the door.
"Then you should be proud of it. It's yours." It was cramped, Temari noted but everything seemed to have its place. It was more than tidy, Gaara mentioned that Xin had a thing about cleanness, about organization. "I'll go get my things, you get in the shower."
Xin did just that, emerging from the shower a half hour later, in her ratty pajamas and semi-wet hair pulled back. Temari had taken up residence in her bedroom, the two dresses hanging up on the back of her door. She barely gave Xin a minute to adjust before she was shoving the dresses at her.
She tried the shorter one first. It was shorter than she would have liked but had long sleeves, which she did like. However, she discovered the catch once she slipped it on. "This is see-through!" Xin announced, storming back into her bedroom. Not the entire dress, of course. The middle section of the dress was made of a sheer fabric, revealing her stomach and the bottom curve of her breasts.
Temari was lounging across her bed. "It's called sheer."
"I can't wear this!"
"You can but if you don't want to, there's always the other dress." Temari sounded way too relaxed. Like she was fully expecting this conversation. If she was, what sense did it make to bring a dress she knew would be rejected?
Xin stared down at Temari, her face flushed. "Temari, what the fuck?" She spun around and stormed out before anything else could be said. What if the other dress was worse? What could be worse than sheer though? What the hell was Temari even thinking to put her in something like that? Was she trying to embarass her?
"We agreed on nothing ridiculous!" Xin shouted from the bathroom, tugging the dress off.
"Nothing I make is ridiculous!" Temari shouted back.
Xin stood there for a moment with her eyes closed. Weren't they friends? Why was she trying to set her up to look ridiculous? It wasn't the dress that was ridiculous, it was her in the dress. She wasn't the sexy type and that's what that dress was, sexy.
The second dress was longer but sported a high slit. It had thin straps and was made of silky fabric. It was simple, save for the corset. It was the only splash of color, a stark white against the black. She realized that once it was laced up, it would push her breasts up and create a ridiculous amount of cleavage.
"For fuck's sake." she muttered and returned to her room. Temari's eyes brightened the moment she saw her and rolled out of bed, approaching her in quick strides to lace up the corset. It tightened around her middle but not uncomfortably so. It accentuated her waist and hips and more importantly, her chest.
She really needed a tan.
"Temari..."
"Oh, come on. A little cleavage never hurt anyone. What do you want me to do, put you in a turtleneck?"
"Well—"
"Absolutely not. This dress looks great on you and so did that other one, so pick."
Xin stared back Temari, her mouth in a firm line. "You're...you're not making fun of me or anything, are you?"
Whatever comeback she had prepared died somewhere in her throat. Temari stared back at Xin, a look of sympathy crossing her face. She sighed heavily and cautiously took Xin's hand in her own. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. I'm not making fun of you. I think you look gorgeous in a gorgeous dress, that's all."
"My ex said I shouldn't wear stuff like this, I wasn't...my body..." She wasn't petite enough to wear clothes like that, was the nicest way to put it. Kazuya made sure to point out her weight and how she was no longer thin, like when she was a teenager. He'd pinch and pull at her hips, stomach and breasts, commenting about how unattractive it was.
"No one's gonna want you, Xin. Not when you look like that. No one but me. You should be grateful."
Temari scoffed. "Well, your ex is a piece of shit, so," she shrugged those words off. "Who cares what he said? Do you like the dress?"
Xin pressed her lips together, she'd had a similar conversation with Seiko, hadn't she? Why was it so hard to shake Kazuya's words of disdain? It was like no matter how far she progressed, something always pulled her back, reminded her of his acidic words and taunts. It was justâeasy. It was easy to let Kazuya have his way, even now, miles and miles away.
"...Yes.." she decided, looking down at herself.
"Good, me too. Sit down and we can get you all made up." And that was that, if Temari said it as factual, eventually Xin would take it as just that. Factual. One day she would learn to shake Kazuya's words off for good but until then, she'd just have to be reminded that he was wrong about her.
"I can do my hair," Xin said, shattering the peaceful moment as Temari did her makeup. Her eyes were closed but she could feel Temari staring at her. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach and when she slowly opened her eyes, she was right to think Temari was staring at her. "...You saw it, didn't you? The scar on my neck."
Temari grimaced and gently put the makeup brush down. "No, I didn't see it. I felt it. When I was trying to get all your hair from under you, to braid it while you were sleeping. I felt it."
She grimaced, her mouth thinning. "You're the only one who knows—erm—" She faltered, her eyes burning and her throat clogging.
"About the abuse?"
She nodded, "Un."
"Gaara doesn't even know?"
She shook her head. "I don't know how he'd react, what if he thinks bad of me? I don't know how anyone would react. I have a friend from work that I like but sometimes I feel like..."
"You built your walls too high?" Temari prompted gently. "You don't know how to navigate these friendships because you're scared of what they might think of you, because of what he thought of you?"
Xin bit her lip and felt that familiar burning gathering at the corner of her eyes. Crying was not on the agenda for the night, she reminded herself. She bit her lip even harder, forcing herself to focus on that. "He did it with a car lighter," she suddenly blurted, surprising even herself. She didn't mean to say that, so why did she tell Temari that?
"A what?" Temari blinked.
"A cigarette lighter, you know, the ones they had in those old cars? That's shaped like a circle? That's why it's shaped so perfectly." Of course she realized she was rambling about things better left unsaid but found it hard to stop herself.
Temari continued to blink at her. "What the fuck? I mean, why the fuck would he do that?"
Xin pursed her lips. Because he could, that's why. "Oh, um, we were going swimming down at the lake with a bunch of kids our age and I wore this bikini top and well," she shrugged. "You know."
Temari shook her head. "No, I actually don't fuckin' know."
"He was upset because he said I was trying to get his friend's attention with my chest."
"He...burned you with a lighter because you were wearing a bikini top."
Well, yes, now that she was hearing someone else saying it, it was for a stupid ass reason. She hadn't been trying to get anyone's attention that day, she just wanted to swim like everyone else. What did he expect her to wear? A goddamn suit?
"Xin, why are you telling me this?" It was the wrong thing to ask, or she worded it wrong, at least because Xin's shoulders immediately slumped. "No, I didn't mean that in a bad way, I just...it's a hard topic for you and I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me these things."
"Because you're my friend." And the way she said it was genuine that Temari had no choice to believe her. She was beginning to see what had drawn her brother into Xin so easily. There was something terribly vulnerable about her, if she let you in enough to see it. "You're the only one who figured me out and you didn't...you didn't make me feel like shit about it."
"Feel like shit? You felt like shit?"
"I ran away," Xin said simply. "I couldn't fix the mess I made so I ran. That's how I ended up in Tokyo."
"There's no fixing people like that. You shouldn't feel like shit for getting out of a bad situation."
"But I do. I feel like shit."
Temari knew she couldn't make Xin change the way she felt about herself, though she wanted to. Xin had to be the one to decide to make that change but hopefully she could help her along. That was nice, she thought, to be one of the few that Xin let in to help her out of her self appointed exile. There would be resistance, Xin proved to be a rather stubborn person but Temari never backed down from a challenge.
"Well, eventually you won't feel like shit. So, until then, let's focus on the now, yeah?" Temari picked up the makeup brush and smiled.
To her delight, Xin smiled back.
Gaara showed up not long after his sister left. Xin frowned at the door, suddenly very nervous. This wasn't a date, she reminded herself. It was just two people who were sort of friends having a meetup. Yes, that's good. A meetup. Friends did that, they met up all the time and went to dinner together and talked.
He brought her flowers.
Gaara was leaning against the frame of the door when she opened the door, looking cool, calm and collected. Unlike her, her emotions were written all over her goddamn face. He straightened up and made a show of slowly looking her up and down. A smile slowly crept across his face. "You wore something pretty for me." He was dressed in all black with a single gold chain as his only accessory. He looked way too good for it to be fair.
Xin gaped up at him, rendered speechless. "Un...you look nice. Are...are those for me?" she pointed at the bouquet of red roses, trying hard to find something else to focus on. She wasn't sure why she was so drawn to his gold chain necklace.
"Wouldn't be for anyone else," Gaara offered her the roses, which she took gradually. She didn't have a vase to put them in but she had a glass pitcher that would work just fine. For a moment, she stood in the kitchen, admiring the pitcher of roses. They were beautiful, she noted and wondered why Gaara would waste such pretty flowers on the likes of her.
"Thank you for the flowers," she smiled when she returned, slipping her heels on. They were also new and forced upon her by Temari. It made her a little uncomfortable that every time Temari was involved, she was sent home with new clothes she couldn't afford on the regular. Temari was so blase about it, waving off her concerns. They were just clothes, she shrugged. "They're pretty."
He was watching her with an unreadable expression. He opened his mouth but didn't reply and she watched as he slid his tongue across the bottom of his top teeth. Her face flushed. "Mm, very pretty," he agreed before offering his arm to her. "Ready to go?"
She could tell by the dress Temari picked out for her that they weren't going to the typical ramen place or even a sushi restaurant. Despite knowing that, she was still a little surprised when they arrived at a luxury restaurant known for its steaks and seafood.
"This is a lot," Xin said once they were settled in at a table in the very back. She wondered if Gaara alway sat at the very back of every restaurant he went to. It would make sense, since there was no chance of sneaking up on him.
"Everything's a lot for you, Xin. Just go with it."
She made a face at that because it was true and she couldn't argue the fact. It was lovely but she wouldn't have minded a nice ramen stand either. Then again, maybe she should just be grateful that he didn't mind being seen in public with her. "Okay. Well. Explain yourself."
He looked at her, a little caught off guard by her bold order though he shouldn't be that surprised. Xin could be bossy when she wanted to be, when she was comfortable enough. It was a good sign, he decided that she felt comfortable enough to even make demands in the first place.
"What do you know about my work?"
She blinked, her brows knitted together in confusion. "I'unno, not much. S'not like you talk about it and I don't think I have the right to pry into that."
Hm, that was surprising. "That spineless coworker of yours, the one I threatened. He didn't say anything about me?"
Xin shook her head. "No, I mean, besides the fact that you're the boss of a Yakuza family? He's kind of...scared of you."
Good. He needed to be.
"My father was the former leader of the organization before me."
"Oh. I didn't know that. Did he retire and pass it on to you?"
"No, I killed him for it."
He watched, not the least bit surprised when she froze in place. She didn't look at him, not right away, her eyes glued to the menu. It was partially cruel of him to say it so bluntly but he only did it because he wanted a genuine reaction from her.
Xin pursed her lips. "Oh. That is...interesting information that I wasn't expecting."
Gaara was impressed that she hadn't flipped shit yet. Xin was a cagey person and though she might have her suspicions about him, it was never confirmed that he actually killed people. Not only had he confirmed the fact that he was a murderer, he committed patricide.
"Is there more to the story?"
That surprised him. He fully expected her to wig the hell out and maybe even demand that he take her home. She was just a normal girl, after all and she didn't ask to be tangled up with an actual fuckin' murderer.
"..my father loved my mother more than anything. He loved her more than he loved my siblings."
She made a face. "I'm sure he loved you and your siblings just as much."
"No, he didn't. He told me himself that he didn't."
"...Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, he was a terrible person," Gaara shrugged. Xin made a noise of agreement. "My mother was caught in an assassination attempt on him, at least we assume that. It drove him crazy, trying to figure out who put a hit out on him that ended up with my mother being shot."
Xin paled.
"He started to ruin everything, everything our family worked to achieve. He was paranoid and didn't trust anyone around him, he was suspicious of everyone."
He could still remember that night in Rasa's office, the one he now called his own office. He remembered rushing his father and grabbing at his hand. Temari had been screaming in the background and Kankuro had instinctively gone for her, wrapping her up just in case he needed to make a quick getaway.
He was crazy but Rasa was no weakling. The father and son struggled over the gun and several times it did actually go off, luckily pointing upwards.
Gaara paused in his storytelling as a waiter approached and poured them two generous glasses of wine before taking their order. Xin warily eyed her glass, red lips tightening.
"Drink the wine, Xin."
"No. What if I overdo it again?"
He shrugged, unconcerned. "I'll just carry you home."
She wondered how he could say things like that so casually. He mentioned once about carrying Temari home when she had too much to drink. Maybe he saw her in the same light as Temari, as something of a sister? She had no idea why that made her stomach turn sour.
Xin cleared her throat, now wasn't the time. "Your father?"
He made a face but continued.
The gun had gone off one last time and Gaara had been sure he'd been the one to be shot. But then his father's head jerked upwards in a sort of violent way and then there was an explosion of blood.
And then he knew.
He'd shot his father.
It didn't take long for rumors to spread that he shot and killed Rasa for the organization, not because Rasa was threatening to shoot all three of them. He wasn't particularly fond of the rumors but it did give him the sort of edge he needed. If he'd be willing to kill his own father, he'd kill anyone. He was not one to be crossed.
"Somehow this story of your father has something to do with giving me the silent treatment but I'm not making any connections here," Xin said after a long and quiet pause.
Gaara's expression was tight. "Kankuro and I...argued."
"Ah, should've known it had something to do with that hooligan. What'd he say and how does it connect with your psycho father?"
He should've felt offended by her disrespectful words. Yes, Rasa had been a psychopath but it didn't change the fact that he was his father. He hadn't always been an awful person, seeing as how his mother loved him so much, he couldn't have been all bad. Even so, he found himself chuckling at her words.
"He was concerned," Gaara began but paused, trying to think over his next words. He didn't want Xin to think he was in love with her, because he wasn't. This thing between them, it wasn't love. There was, admittedly, some sort of affection but it certainly wasn't love. Not that he abhorred the idea of love but to put it simply, he didn't know Xin well enough.
They were friends and he could admit that he thought that she was pretty and even desirable but Xin kept a wall around herself and it was for a reason.
"About?" Xin prompted, trying to ease him along. He was stalling, or at the very least, struggling to articulate whatever he and Kankuro spoke about. She appreciated the effort and smiled softly, leaning towards him. "You can tell me, we're friends. I know I've been a little weird about...well, everything but we're friends and—" she bit her bottom lip. "I realized how lonely I felt when you and Temari, when you guys went silent. It was like starting out in Tokyo all over again and I didn't...I don't like it."
"He was worried that I might turn out like our father. Rasa went insane over our mother and he was just worried that I was...that I could potentially do the same."
There. It was out there. The truth of why he was avoiding her, why he spent all that time away from her thinking and pondering and agonizingâ"
"Why would you go insane? It's not like we're your parents, I'm not your wife."
She didn't understand because she didn't know. She had no idea what he'd done to that Ieda fucker for his stupid ass stunt at the club and she damn sure didn't know about Tanaka and his broken hand and arrest. She had no idea that it all led back to Gaara and he'd done it because a slight against her was a slight against him.
He had to tell her.
He couldn't tell her.
"No, you're not but I look at you the way I look at the rest of the people in my life. You're mine to protect because I want to keep you safe. Kankuro doesn't think you'll understand."
Her face went cross yet again at the mention of his brother.
"Are you afraid of me?"
This time she blanched. "Why would you ask that?"
"I killed my father, Xin. I didn't set out to do it but I did it because I was capable of it, I'd do it again if I had to. I hurt people. I kill people. I'd hurt someone if you asked me to, I'd kill them too."
"I wouldn't ask you to do something like that."
And there it was. What separated her from the rest of them. She was a good person and he...well, he killed people for a living. They were never meant to cross paths, never meant to have anything more than a fleeting moment in a dark alleyway. She was supposed to keep walking that night but she hadn't and now they were there together at some fancy restaurant talking about dead men.
"I'm not afraid of you, specifically," Xin said once she realized she hadn't answered his question.
"But you're afraid of..."
She looked at him and her gaze was hollow and piercing at the same time. "It's hard to explain," she tried. "I'm not afraid of you but I'm just—I'm afraid." Her features broke with frustration. "I think it's more like a..."
"Trauma response?"
"I think so. I'm sorry."
What, was he supposed to be mad that she had some sort of unhealed trauma?
Gaara leaned back in his chair and shrugged his shoulders. "Don't apologize for something you can't help."
Xin smiled, a slow going upturn of her lips. Her gaze was still hollow. "You're very kind."
He shook his head. "I'm not."
She leaned forward and rested her elbows against the table. It was bad manners but he didn't bother correcting her. She cupped her face in her hands and continued to smile. "Well, you've been very kind to me. I really, really needed it."
"Can't imagine someone like you would need kindness."
Her chipper disposition faltered and he mentally kicked himself for that. Usually he knew how to talk to women, what to say and what not to say but Xin was a goddamn puzzle box. He was beginning to think that everything said to her was just wrong.
"You'd be surprised," she said with a sour curl of her mouth.
"You'd be right."
What did that mean, what did she mean? Why on Earth would anyone be unkind to Xin?
She cleared her throat, the mood was beginning to sour, thanks to her cryptic ass. "What was your mother like?" She faltered, realizing that maybe that might be a touchy subject for him. His mother had been shot, after all.
To her surprise, Gaara seemed to perk up. "Her name's Karura. She never approved of our family's lifestyle but she loved my father. She raised us as best she could, given the circumstances."
"She must be where you get your kindness from," Xin smiled and thought of her own mother. She missed her entire family but there was always something about that motherly love. Maybe she should call home tonight and attempt to talk to her parents.
"She's a very kind person but she does have a temper. Temari takes after her the most."
Xin blinked. "Oh, she's alive?"
Gaara stared back at her. "You thought she was dead?"
"You said she was shot."
"I didn't say it killed her," he actually laughed. "She's paralyzed, not dead."
"Does she live at the manor with the rest of you?"
"No," Gaara shook his head. "She couldn't stand to live there, not after Rasa. She lives a couple miles away, in an assisted facility. She likes it there and we visit her two or three times a month."
"Does she approve of what you do?"
"Course not but it's something we agreed not to discuss anymore. It always turns into an argument and I like it better when she's not upset." This conversation was oddly intimate, he realized, in a way. Xin had shown him her family, her sisters and her parents once before and it was nice that she trusted him enough.
Gaara wordlessly handed her his phone. It was the nicest picture taken of his family, sans Rasa. He and his siblings crowded around Karura in her wheelchair, surrounded by the facility's blooming garden. It was a beautiful picture.
"You're all so freakishly good looking, it almost doesn't seem real," Xin said without much thought.
Gaara grinned. "You think I'm good looking?"
Xin froze in place, her smile tensing. "Un...well. I mean—" she stuttered, struggling to find the words. He was good looking, what was the harm in admitting so? They were all good looking, for fuck's sake.
Gaara chuckled, watching her squirm with obvious glee. "No need to freak." There was the feeling again, the one buried under all of the rot in his chest. "I think you're good looking."
"You do?"
"I call you Angelface, what'd you think I meant by that?"
"Oh...erm, well, cause I helped you that night."
"Yeah and because you're beautiful. Like an angel."
She stared at him for a long moment, eyes squinting and mouth slightly open. "How...how can you say something like that so easily?"
"Because it's the truth? Why's that such a hard concept?"
She paused, slumping her shoulders. "No one's ever called me beautiful like that before coming here. I mean, my parents, I guess. But they have to say that, cause they're my parents."
He found that hard to believe. Big doe-eyes, plump lips, slim nose and a heart shaped face? Xinâ"and her twin for that matterâ"was almost otherworldly. Honestly, if it wasn't so fuckin' weird, he could spend hours staring at her.
"That ex of yours that you mentioned, the night you met Temari, he didn't tell you that you're beautiful?"
She frowned. "He said I was pretty," she admitted. "But he also said I was pretty empty-headed, so," she shrugged.
Gaara blinked. "What the fuck, Xin?"
"I did say he wasn't all that nice."
"The more I seem to find out about you, the less I seem to know."
"I keep telling you guys, there's nothing worth finding out."
"That's not for you to decide."
Xin sat back with a soft frown, faltering in disbelief and maybe a little concern. She still couldn't understand what these people wanted from her, what secrets they thought she coveted. Temari even knew what she'd been keeping to herself this whole time and the blonde didn't even falter. She wondered, dared to hope even, if Gaara would react much the same. It was easier for women to come together over such things but would he accept her past so easily?
"Does it bother you? That I killed Rasa?" Gaara suddenly prompted, catching her off guard. It was probably too early to even ask that question. She just found out and he was putting her on the spot.
She turned her big eyes on him. "I guess it should, huh? The whole murder-y part of that story is kind of unnerving." She paused long enough to sip at her wine. "Your dad chose your mom but you chose your siblings. I guess that kind of balances it out?"
"Are you trying to make excuses because we're friends?"
"Do you want it to bother me?"
Yes. No.
He didn't know. For the first time in his life, he simply didn't know what he wanted from this woman. He wanted more than she was willing to give, he realized. Or maybe she couldn't give.
At least, not now.
But he was a patient man when he wanted to be.