Chapter 8: It's beginning to look like flirting
Six months later
"Hmm, come on San, we should take this to the bedroom."
I freeze.
I never freeze. Especially not if I'm in the middle of kissing someone. But hearing - uh- Nora? use that nickname … I need all of my willpower to not just push her as far away as possible from me and throw her out of my house.
Instead I stop my movements as smooth as possible. Despite her (loud) protests, I keep my voice gentle and ask her (nicely) to leave my home right now. It must have not seem like nice, because the look she sends me while she's looking for her purse, is like thunder finding its greatest source to electrocute… I'm the source by the way. God, if looks could kill…
This is the third girl in as many months that I've kicked out of my house before I could fulfil my … needs. Screw me for being a gentlewoman and giving them the pleasure first. It gives me control. But ever since … Brittany called me San, I can't bear to hear other people using that nickname. She ruined me. She ruined my sex life. She ruined my life!
Bam!
Yep, that door is closed. I don't care. Instead a big sigh of relieve escapes me. At least she left without much trouble. The second one, Nicky, almost made me call the police. She was pissed. And I get it. At some level. If somebody would get me worked up and stop just before my climax … I would go all Lima Heights on that person.
But I wasn't in that situation. Nope. I brought those people in that situation… You should think I feel sorry. But I'm too deep into my self-pity to feel much empathy for them.
They shouldn't have called me that. I explicitly asked them to not say San to me before we started our evening. So in the end, it's their fault they couldn't get off. They should have listened to me. Besides … those woman aren't my friends. What are they doing? Giving me nicknames after specifically knowing this is just a hook-up? The agreement is clear. We'll be together for a few hours. That's it. So why would you use nicknames? A few hours is nothing!
… Or sometimes I just needed a few minutes.
Yes I can be that awesome. Call it natural talent. Call it part of being famous. I guess it's the combination of both, but lots of girls are standing in line for having the best night of their life. Who am I to tell them no?
… Except I kind of did. Three times now. God, I'm getting sick of this.
I look around for my own shirt that was thrown away a few minutes ago. Once I've located that, I can't seem to find my shoes… After a small search, I see the first one on the chair and the second one under the couch … like how? Never mind.
I go to the kitchen to make myself an evening snack. It's not even 8 pm yet!
… This is what I call a rough night. What do I do?
Ugh! I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. This is why I don't do feelings. I didn't even went into the feelings zone 100% and I already got burned. I got burned really bad.
Why do people let themselves go through something like that? It's much better without feelings. Without feelings, you can't get hurt.
Clang
Shoot. I forgot I put bread in the toaster a minute ago. The toast jumping out of the device startles me. I literally jump up. That happens every time I'm standing too close to the thing. Every time I pay too close attention to that, I'm spooked. It's ridiculous.
I shuffle towards my small diner table, pouring myself some beer. Don't judge, I'm having a rough time! After I'm finished eating, I walk towards my piano, trying to find some new tunes to work with.
… AAGH, it doesn't work! Why can't I write a damn song anymore? What happened to me?! I put my elbows on the piano and knock my head against the keys, making a lot of noise. A clattering sound behind me scares me to death.
"Jeez, Santana, I don't know about modern music, but you can go too far in making a chaotic number. It should still sound like something more than just bumping your head against the piano, right?" I give her a warning look. "…Or was that the whole theme of your song?"
I huff. "What the hell Quinn! How many times do I have to tell you to not just come into my house. There's a bell. And your key is for emergencies only!"
"Relax S, I did ring your bell, you were too busy making … noise on your piano. You must have not heard me, so I took matters into my own hands. I wanted to talk to you…" She gives me a once-over, probably sensing my bad mood. "Uhm, maybe I should come back some other time, you're clearly not in the mood to talk."
I close the lid of my piano before grabbing a glass, offering it to Quinn. "Sorry Q. Bad day. Or bad evening. Doesn't matter. What's going on? You okay?"
She walks towards my living room, jumping onto the couch. Sure … make yourself comfortable…
I put her glass on the coffee table and sit down next to her. I want to give her my full attention. It's not every evening she comes knocking at my door to talk… Except she isn't saying anything. I'm not too worried though, she has her happy face on. It's like she's almost exploding from happiness.
"Sam and I are back together!" She jumps up and down on the couch before grabbing me to give me a bone crushing hug.
I'm not too responsive, confusion too much on the forefront. "Wait, didn't you already go on some dates? I though you went on your first real life date like three months ago or something?"
She rolls her eyes at me. "Yeah, but he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend then. In fact he didn't ask in a long time. Yesterday I mentioned it and he thought he would scare me away if he did, so yeah … I made it clear it wouldn't."
A genuine smile transforms on my face. "That's great Q! I'm happy for you." I give her a quick hug, before grabbing her shoulders, looking directly in her eyes. "If you are 100% happy too? You're not running into this without caution right?"
She settles down a bit before answering. "Yeah I know San. I'm careful. But we talked. We talked a lot. He's even making concrete plans to move here. It's just … we broke it off out of love for each other and not wanting to keep the other one waiting… Which we now figured out is ridiculous. If you love each other, can't you find a way to stay together?"
I shrug, feeling a bit sceptical. "I guess. But still, be careful."
She crosses her arms in a defensive way. "Can't you just be happy San? I'll look out for myself. You don't have to babysit me."
I huff. "Yeah? Well somebody has to, look at what happened last time!"
She backs off, standing up. "He said he was sorry a hundred times. I thought you forgave him when you made amends with him last month? You said you'd try to give him a second chance. Just give him that option already!"
I jump up too. I don't like to look up at her if I'm sitting and she's up. "What if he's lying? What if he doesn't love you enough to go through with this plan of moving here?"
"And what do you know about love?!" She shouts.
I give her an unimpressed look and walk towards the kitchen to grab another beer. If she's looking for a fight I can't be sober for it right now.
"Fuck off Quinn."
She follows me to the kitchen, not backing down. "No I won't. I've had enough Santana! For six months I've let you be. I've seen more girls walking out of your house then there has been days."
I keep my back towards her, not in the mood to see her judgy look. "Well that's a bit extreme …"
"Don't interrupt me! I've lost the count at twenty-five! I don't know what's gotten into you. I know you like to sleep around, but this is far behind that line. What the hell happened to you? What did Brittany do?"
I snap and turn around, the fridge gives an unsettling noise from closing him too aggressively. "Leave her out of this! Why do you keep bringing … her up?!"
"Because she's obviously the reason of your odd behaviour. Grow up Santana. You're already the most famous slut singer of the world for the moment if you read the papers, and I'm actually starting to believe it's the right word to use right now. Where's your dignity?" I don't respond. Her frustrations only getting worse because of it. "I know you don't do feelings, but this phase has been going on since high school. Enough is enough. Get over your self-pity and don't let that fear of letting someone in overrule you. You're being a coward …"
I approach her in a flash stopping right in front of her and I harshly put my beer on the table "GET OUT!"
Her mouth opens and closes like a fish multiple times. I can see she's feeling some sort of regret, her eyes are betraying her. I cross my arms, never wavering my stare towards her. She's faltering a bit and takes a deep breath.
"I'm sorry. I went too far. I'm just … let me in San? What happened?"
I wave my arm aggressively, accidentally knocking down my beer. "I don't want to hear it! Get out of my house! Of all the people in my life, you have the nerve to call me a slut and a coward? You think I'm being self-pity?" My mouth cracked up at the end of my sentence. I don't like it.
She doesn't move. It's like she's transformed into a statue.
I huff and grab my own coat. "Fine. if you won't get out of my house, then I will."
"Santana no!" She tries to grab my arm, but I dodge it. She's not giving up yet. Once in the hallway she manages to grab my elbow, stopping me for a second. "Fine. At least tell me where you're going." I don't listen. I push her hand away and grab my keys, opening the front door.
Something stops me though. Despite the fact that I'm fuming, I know I wouldn't like it if she walked out of a discussion without telling me where she went. So I tell her I'll go to the gym for an hour, and I expect her to not follow me.
I slam the door extra hard. I know she hates that.
…
It's a short drive, so it doesn't take long to park my car near the gym… After stepping out of my car and kicking a thousand rocks on the sidewalk I arrive at the front door. It's been a while since I came on this particular hour. There's more people than during the day. I hope they'll have a small room free for me. Sometimes reservations aren't required. It depends on the day I guess.
After making some small talk with the receptionist (not at all flirting) I walk upstairs. Seems like I'm in luck. There's a mediocre room upstairs where there's only one other private lesson going on. Apparently I'm allowed to go there, since there are also a large range of fitness equipment there. As long as I don't bother the lesson, then I'm good. It's either this room or the large fitness room downstairs …
I'm glad I don't need to do my exercising in the open in the middle of all the others. There's always a bunch of perverts sitting on benches, looking for some 'action'. It's creepy. And you can't really do much about it. When you complain at the front desk they do talk to them, but then those creeps claim they're just resting for a moment. If they pay for a membership then the gym can't legally do that much. So yeah … I don't mind paying a bit more to have the more private rooms available. At least I don't feel like I'm watched like a piece of meat.
Once upstairs my bladder suddenly decides to ask for my attention. Like … really badly. God, I hate this day. I don't want to pee. It's a great gym. Good showers, very clean sport rooms … but the toilets couldn't be more cold and small and on the other side of literally any other room.
Sometimes I have those moments where I hate the fact that I have a bladder. Like this one.
Another reason to hate your bladder? You know how many months in your life go to waste by sitting on a toilet? I don't know. I don't have the motivation to calculate it either, but still … that would be a lot right? And for what? It's like sleeping. A third of your life is waisted because of sleeping?! Why? It's ridiculous.
At least the toilets upstairs are relatively clean. I quickly take the first clear stall, when suddenly the door from the restroom opens again. Someone is washing their hands. Or at least taking some water. That's not what stands out though. The woman is on the phone. There's an electronic voice I can hear. It's too far and foggy to understand what she's saying, unfortunately. I love to eavesdrop on phone conversations.
All the same, once I hear the voice answering the phone, my heart stops beating for a second. Despite my efforts, I can't forget that voice. I could recognize that angelic voice out of a thousand.
This situation sucks.
My breathing is too quick. Once I try to keep quiet it always seems like my lungs need double the amount of oxygen as normal. Besides that, my bladder feels like it'll almost burst. I'm already training some muscles too extreme!
Still, I want to keep quiet. I don't want her to hear me for some reason.
I lean closer to the bathroom stall door, very quietly, trying to not make any noise. I know that's called eavesdropping. But … yeah I've got no excuses. Sometimes curiosity gets the best of me I guess. Haven't we all had those moments?
"Well yeah, of course I pick up. It's not like you to call me every day. In fact we never call. How is it my fault I'm getting worried and answer the phone? Besides, Peter doesn't mind if I answer a phone call once or twice. I do my best during the training, and we haven't even started yet. I was just warming up." I adjust myself a bit, it's not the most comfortable, standing in a toilet without wanting to touch the things around you. "Uh, yeah I've got something always with me in worst case scenarios, one in my wallet and one in my small pill case. Why'd you ask?"
What is she talking about? I try to lean a bit closer to the door, trying to hear what the other person is saying. It's a bummer that I can't understand a thing of what the counter person is saying. "You don't have to worry about me sis. I can handle myself. So if you don't have anything urgent can I go now? I'm this close to bailing, you know I hate sports."
Hah, you wouldn't say that if you saw her body. It's ridiculous how fit she is… At least I'm relieved she doesn't get a body like that just by magic. I'm glad she works out too.
BANG
Shit! I bumped my head against the door. Well this is awkward. What the hell do I do now? AAAAH I'm panicking. Do I walk out, do I keep quiet? What do they do in movies? Oh, I know!
"I've got to go sis, see you this weekend? Okay great, bye." I jump on the toilet seat, trying to not make a sound and pray she hasn't heard anything. Bad luck's on my side because … "Hello? Somebody in here?" I hold my breath. "Hello? … Do you need help or why did you knock on the door?"
After what feels like an hour, she walks out of the toilet room. I guess she figured she misheard or something, since she didn't get a response. And here I am standing on the toilet like some creep. Did I seriously thought she was going to look under the stalls? Like … why would she search? Are there people in real life who actually do that?
After counting to twenty, I finally get out of my stall and wash my hands. When I walk out of the restroom I realise I haven't even peed yet. I walk back in, some guy looks strangely over to me. He's probably wondering why I walked back in. I don't care. He can think whatever he wants. It's a good exercise for me. Trying to not care people will think you're strange.
My mind's still working over hours. Part of it analysing the discussion with Quinn. The other side processing the unexpected bumping into Brittany. It takes me two tries to find the correct room… It's one I've never been in before, but on first inspection it looks nice.
It looks spacious, to begin with. One wall has mirrors, one has three large windows. There are at least 8 different fitness devices and there are a thousand dumbbells. In fact there are two people standing there. I've heard at the reception that there was going to be a private boxing lesson, so that must be the teacher and –
I freeze.
Is that Brittany?
Yep. That's her. Just my luck. Not only am I still fuming from anger from Quinn, embarrassed from that little situation in the restroom and hurt because of … her. And now she's here?!
I have to resist the urge to just bolt. She hasn't seen me yet. She's too focused on her warm-up with her trainer.
I put down my bag very smoothly, silently begging to not pay attention to me. The first machine I see is the treadmill. That's a win for me, I always start with that one. I take a sip of my water, looking around the place once more.
The room is big, but not that large, so my bag is pretty close to theirs. And just my luck, they've finished the warm up and now she's coming towards me. Mayday! Mayday! Run? Fight? Freeze?
Freeze it is.
She approaches me, confusion written on her face when she detects me. I can see the lightbulb flash in her head. I try to read her emotion, but I can't seem to get very far. She's very hard to read. It's ridiculous. I'm a good people reader, but that one? Nope, no clue.
"Santana?"
Okay, conversation making it is.
"Brittany, hey."
"Wow, what crazy coincidence to meet you here. How are you?" While she's talking to me, she's rewinding a long piece of bandage she's currently wearing around her hand. Must be for extra protection or something, because after she finishes wrapping her hand, she puts her boxing glove on.
"I'm good. I'm good. Very good." I try to casually lean up on the wall, before realising it's just an inch to far. I was extremely close to falling. "Anyway, how are you?"
"I'm okay, thanks for asking. So uh … how come you're here?"
Okay, apparently we're not going to talk about our last conversation. Why is she acting like nothing ever happened between us? Does she not feel the awkwardness right now?! "Uh, oh just a last minute scheduled work out. I forgot to book a room, and they said I could train in this room … if that's okay?"
She waves my question away. "Yeah no problem. It's less expensive to reserve a duo-room for an hour. Most of the times there's never another person… But here you are."
I balance my body from my heels to my toes, wobbling back and forth. "Here we are."
It stays silent after that. She's trying to sense my mood, but if she wants to play hard to read, then I'll do the same. I don't know if I'm doing a good job at it though. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you or something after … you know. I've been busy … and I didn't know how to contact you… Plus, I wasn't really sure if you wanted me to reach you since…"
Her teacher interrupts her, damn it. I wanted to hear the rest of that sentence.
"Brittany, you ready to start? Come on! Don't let those muscles cool down again, or do you want another warm up?"
She looks a bit panicked. But in an amused way. "God no. Don't do that to me Peter. Your warm ups can be so extreme. One of those is more than enough."
"Well come on then, let's play."
She gives me an apologetic look before closing her boxing gloves around her wrists. After one final timid smile towards me, she walks back to her teacher.
I stumble towards the running mill, not really sure what I'm feeling right now. There's a ton of emotions going through me, and I don't know which one I need to focus on right now. I hear her boxing teacher talking to her in the background.
"Allright Brittany, let's start with left, right and a left hook. Forty times."
… Well okay, I've never done a boxing class. I didn't know things went like that.
"Okay great. Now two lefts and a right." I try to filter his voice and the thumping of the hits out, but it's not that easy. The room is big, but not sound-friendly at all. Plus, boxing sounds are very loud!
"Wow you're on a roll today Brittany! Where do you get this energy from? I've never felt you hit that hard just at the beginning of the hour. Remember we've still got an hour to go right? Divide your energy through the hour."
I roll my eyes. Is she trying to impress me or what? Or am I making the situation too much about myself?
"Great!"
"Okay, let's do an upper cut with four straight hits beforehand."
"Awesome."
"Unbelievable. I'm impressed Brittany. And your tempo is so quick, what did you do today?"
"I don't know Peter, I thought it wouldn't go well today, I felt really tired this morning."
"Well keep it up, you're doing great."
Okay that's it. If she's trying to impress me, then I can do the same. I'm thinking of ways of how I can impress her the most, but I'm a bit at a loss. They seem so focused on each other (well duh, if they're not focused they could risk hitting each other on the nose or something).
Hmm, maybe the rowing thingi Quinn always does? Though I've never done that. Nope, bad idea. I'll keep to my normal schedule for now and see what to do in half an hour or something.
After fifteen minutes Pete, or Peter, I'm not sure, suggests to take a little break. Understandable, they've been boxing for fifteen minutes straight!
When she's grabbing her water bottle, Peter approaches me. Mayday! Mayday! Am I doing something wrong? Why is he suddenly walking my way?!
"Hello. I'm Peter. I hope we're not being too loud for you? Everything okay?"
I shrug and slow down the tread mill. Once I've stepped off, I see he's offering his hand. Well that's awkward, mine's all sweaty and stuff. And after shaking his hand … so was his. Eeiw.
"Hello. Santana. And no, not at all. I don't mind." I try to not sound out of breath, but my lungs are making it extremely difficult.
He doesn't seem to notice my lack of oxygen, because the moment he hears my name he looks surprised. He reacts quickly and glances towards Brittany, who's (not so subtle) looking at the wall on the other side of the room. Making it seem like she's not eavesdropping, I guess? She's flawlessly failing though. We both know she's listening …
"Excuse me one moment miss." He's already half walking backwards when he speaks up again. "I have a question for my student."
Okay, guess he's not a man of much small talk. I don't mind one bit. When I'm sporting I like to be left alone… Or at least left alone from random strangers.
I grab my water bottle, before I almost choke on the water, because Peter … not a subtle guy. "Brittany, is that thé Santana you've talked my ears off about?"
Curiosity crosses over my face. I want to see her reaction, and it is priceless. She was already sweating a little bit, but now she's bright red, even the tip of her ears are crimson. She takes a quick look at me, realizing I've 100% heard her trainer. She answers back in a really hushed tone, which makes him laugh. What did she say?
Doesn't matter. I look in my bag, searching for my EarPods, before realising I've left them at home. Cursing at myself for that, I walk back towards the lifting area of the fitness room. However, before I've settled myself down, Peter asks my attention again.
"Excuse me, Santana?" When I look up he continues. "It seems you know Brittany a little bit? Feeling up to do some exercises together? I don't mind coaching two at the same time. It's time for the abs-exercises. They're a very important element of the boxing world."
I'm a bit surprised at his suggestion. Was it Brittany's idea or does this guy just doesn't know any boundaries in meddling with people's personal lives?
My question is answered when I hear him (again not so subtle) whisper to Brittany that this is the moment she can impress me.
Alright. If they want to play that game then I'm in. I'm an expert in impressing the ladies to my good side. I've been in this fitness schedule for almost two years now and she's been sweating her ass off the past fifteen minutes whilst I just did my warm up. I've got this in the bag.
….
Guess I hadn't.
That girl! First we did planking, she did it for four fucking minutes! You know how long that is? She wasn't even shaking. I got two minutes and my abs and arms were killing me! And to top it all off … she looked like she could still easily do another minute! That's not fair.
… Then sit ups. He threw a weight ball towards us and every time he threw it at one of us, we needed to lean back on our back to do a sit up and get up, throwing the ball back at him. Oh and the ball weighs a lot. A lot more than I expected …
You've got two guesses who won that round. One tip: it wasn't me.
That's it. I'm losing my temper, I'm going to – "Okay, next up: burpees. No sloppy ones either. First one who can give me ten fully executed burpees; that includes a jump and a push up; wins." – okay. That's more like it. I am an expert at doing burpees. Lots of people hate that exercise. And sure, it's not fun. However … I do this one a lot. Finally a bit of confidence comes back.
…
Yes! I won! Brittany 2, me 1. I've got this back in the pocket, I know it.
…
Brittany 3, me 1
…
Brittany 5, me 1
…
I'm a sour loser. I know it. Quinn knows it. Every person I've ever played a game against, knows it. After he suggests to teach me the basics of boxing so I can still train with them a little longer, I politely decline, telling him I've got a clean schedule on my own.
Whatever, not my strongest lie, but it was necessary to not combust into flames… or explode from another frustration … That was hot. Brittany is so hot. I've never met a woman who could train better than me in sport exercises. She must have got abs! What I would wish to get close to them and taste …
Nope. Not going to think about it. Yeah, she's incredibly hot. And I'm incredibly turned on by being impressed with her skills. But that's it. That's where I draw the line.
She didn't want me? Well I don't want her. Call it pride. I don't care. When I walk back to the fitness area I feel like I'm watched and I'm not wrong. When I turn back around Brittany is straight up staring at me. She's giving me this look … I can't really decipher what it means. But I've clearly got her attention.
What game are we playing here?
30 minutes later
"Alright, great practice Brittany. Same place same time next week?" I look up, hearing them finish of their training.
"Yep, great. Thanks for the coaching Peter. I appreciate it."
"No problem. You did great today." I see him taking a sip of … chocolate milk? Is that a thing in the boxing world? Anyway. Seems he's not finished talking yet. "Phew, I've got two more people coming next. I'm going to need to work, that's great. I'm even sweating a little bit already!"
"You're welcome?" Brittany sounds unsure, the insecurity about his message making it unclear if he's giving a compliment or just a random statement. I understand her hesitation … what kind of significance is he trying to communicate?
Doesn't matter. It's not my place to eavesdrop anyway. Nevertheless. It seems like luck in timing … or bad luck, is on my side, because I was just preparing myself to go home back to Quinn. Yeah, I'm not stalling or anything.
I stop in the hallway for a second, checking my unread messages. Sometimes when I've had a discussion with Quinn, she sends an apology … or if she's still mad, another speech of why she's right and I'm wrong. But I've got nothing. Hmm. Guess I can't solve this one with talking about the weather when I'm home. She'll want to talk further.
Once I've put my phone back in my bag, I start to walk downstairs, until suddenly footsteps are catching up to me rapidly.
"Hey San..Tana. wait up."
I turn around, seeing a flustered Brittany stopping before me. "Hey Brittany."
I cross my arms, not really in the mood. I'm already not looking forwards to the rest of my evening… but a small part of me is happy to hear her voice again. I missed it.
"So … uh. You okay?" She looks uncertain, her hands fumbling with the zipper of her jacket.
I shrug, trying to keep my emotions at bay. "Am I okay? I don't know. How come you didn't contact me again?"
She looks confused. "Because I didn't have a way of contacting you? And last time I saw you, I thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore."
Shit. She's right. We never swapped phone numbers. Still. "Uh what about Facebook? Instagram? Or Quinn, don't you have her number?"
"I don't have those things. And yeah, I've got Quinn's number, but I don't know. I figured that … you know, you didn't say anything about meeting up again, so yeah I kinda was a bit afraid at contacting you without your consent."
She gets a small, though humourless laugh out of me. She gives me a confused look, probably not realising why I made her laugh. "Without my consent? What era are you from?" I ask her in a joking tone.
Her shoulders relax a bit at my more relaxing body language. "I don't know, middle ages? Though I don't think they were very much concerned about the consent of woman in that era, so maybe I'm from the future."
I give an honest laugh at that. How can she make me forgot my worries in a few seconds without even trying? God I missed this. "Well okay. You've got my consent, and…" I grab a small paper from my purse before writing my personal number on it. "…my number."
She gives a beaming smile at that. "Wow, that's great. Thanks. Wait…" she grabs her duffle bag to take her own phone, putting my number in her device. I hear my mobile go off with a text alert. "Now you have my number too."
I smile back. "Great. Well … I've really got to go now, I've got something going on with Quinn and the longer I wait, the more risk I have of getting my nose bitten of by her."
"Quinn bites you?"
Just … wanky. "NO! I meant metaphorically. We're in a bit of a fight. Which … now that I remember, I'm angry with her. But she hates when I literally run away from fights. So yeah … that will be fun."
I gesture to start walking down the stairs together and she follows suit. "Well, good luck I hope. Whatever she did to make you mad … she cares about you, I'm sure she has the best intentions but used the wrong words."
"Yeah, maybe." We walk further towards the entry of the building before she points out she has to go the other way. "Well uh, great seeing you again Santana. It was lovely to talk again. I hope to maybe see you back soon?" She asks in a hopeful way.
I'm glad to hear that tone. Sometimes I'm so unsure to know if she actually likes to be in my company or not. But hearing the hopefulness in her tone is a confirmation, she's at least not lying to me that she likes to talk to me. "Yeah, definitely. Have a great night B."
I give a small wink, which makes her laugh before turning around. She waves back before she walks around the corner and out of view.
Great. At least I'm a bit more cooled off. The chance of getting an escalation at home with Quinn in five minutes has turned lower. I'm grateful for that.
After taking a deep breath, I grab my car keys and start the short way back to my house, not looking forward to whatever's in store there.
Once at the appartement I take the keys of my mailbox out, checking if I've got any mail.
Of course there's nothing in there, I've already checked it this morning. But just for reassurance … and time consuming purposes, I check it three more times.
After deciding I've been stalling for long enough, I approach the elevator, harshly pushing the button to bring him to the ground floor. The elevator is taking his precious time. I don't know if that makes me hate him more or less… When he's finally arrived, there's this neighbour I haven't seen that much, giving me a polite greeting before we part our ways again.
When I turn over my housekey in the lock, I hear footsteps already walking towards the front door of my apartment. Guess there's no chance in postponing the confrontation at all.
"So, Charlotte came by."
"Aah, well finally decided to join the queers? I knew it was just a matter of time."
She doesn't take the bait and just keeps calm. "Santana I apologize. Yes, you're being a bit of a downer. I don't know who or what hurt you, but you're stronger than this. Are you a slut? Well … no, but you're sleeping around too much. Charlotte passing by is just another confirmation of that."
I walk to the couch in the living room, Quinn following closely behind me. "Don't give me that look, I know you think so too. I know how hard it is for you to let somebody in. I know you don't do feelings. And you're right, I'm sorry for calling you a coward too, you're not a coward... But you're not being really brave either for the moment. "
I shrug my shoulders. If someone could give me the tough love and get me to listen, it's her. Doesn't make it nice to hear though. "What do I do then?"
She takes a step closer to me, grabbing my arm and setting us down on the couch. "Start with talking to me. As easy as that."
I sit down and lay my head on her shoulder. It surprisingly doesn't take more than that to open up to her. With the last conversation I've had with my blue eyes goddess fresh in mind… "She … Brittany, she rejected me." A tear escapes. Pff. Why am I such a crier? "I asked her out on a date and she said no."
Quinn only hums in response, probably wondering how to react to this. When she notices I'm not saying anything else she gives me a surprised look. "That's it?"
I sit up straight again, putting my defences back up. She puts her hand on my knee, trying to keep me from doing that. "No, San, sorry. It's just … I'm a bit surprised a rejection had such a huge impact on you."
I shrug my shoulders, not having much more clue then her. "I know. Okay. It's just … we clicked. She … it's been so long since someone saw me. Not the famous singer Santana Lopez, but me. And she's so … gentle and nice and beautiful and pure and … I just. You know I just saw her now too? She acted so …normal. I don't have a clue what she thinks about me. And I don't have a clue of how I behave myself around her. One moment I'm incredibly hurt, the other one I'm genuinely laughing at something funny she said. It's just … you know me, I don't do feelings. And in some way she snuck herself through my exterior and gave a gentle nudge to my heart, before just walking all over it and breaking it."
She looks apologetic. Not full off pity, thank god. That's not what I need right now. I'm glad she gets that. "I'm sorry that happened. I don't really know what to say San. I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but it's a really good thing you made yourself open to lo.. liking someone again. You've closed yourself off for so long. Please don't let this experience get you back into a dark little corner in your own house. Please."
She sits up straighter, looking around for the remote of my cd-player. Once she's found it she puts it on. She looks at me full confusion, teasing and amusement once she figures out what album is playing. It's the album Rumours from Fleetwood Mac. I get her confusion … I've called this album too sentimental a bunch of times … and to bring the situation to its peak, the song Songbird starts to play.
I shrug my shoulders, not really feeling up to my normal behaviour. "What? I'm lovesick, let me feel like it. Let me live it."
"Ow San come here." She skips the songs until 'don't stop' comes on, pulling me up by the arms and gently swaying me around. We're having a small fight over who's leading the other, which she wins. Just because I feel weak in the moment. No other reason than that!
This is nice. This is why I like Quinn so much. She's got my back. Through and through. She gives me a twirl before I do the same for her. It's not the most gracious of twirls, but it's good enough. We do end up bumping into each other when she turns around towards me again. Small detail. No one cares about it …
We laugh at our own clumsiness and cool down a bit when a slower song comes up. She gives me a warm hug before speaking up. "You're sure she's not into you? I don't want to give false hope, but I thought I sensed something during those two weeks."
"I know." My voice sounds muffled because I'm still holding her close in our embrace. "I thought so too honestly, but then when I asked her out it was a definitely no."
"Was it?"
I try to jog my memory, trying to think back to that moment. "Uhm, I mean, no. Actually." I pull back, remembering the conversation for the first time clearly now. "She said she felt something too. She just said 'I can't' or whatever. What kind of lame excuse is that?"
"And how did you react?"
"Uhm - I called after her, but she ran. And then … well I ignored her. And …" Quinn frowns her eyebrows. "Wait a minute. Is that why Sophia was at that last performance with you?"
I look down, feeling a bit ashamed of that action. She hits me on the arm. "Auw!"
"Well what did you expect? Santana, she said she feels something for you too. You totally broke the rules you need to follow."
I frown. "Rules? What rules?"
"You know, like in the movies. First two people have an attraction. Then there seems to be a problem which makes they can't be together yet. Then one tells the opposite character exactly that! Just like Brittany said she feels something but something is standing in the way. And then it's your job to figure out what stands in the way and be forever happy after!"
I push myself on the couch again. "Well that sucks. Things don't go as in the movies Q. When someone rejects you then that's it. There's no second chance. It's her choice to reject me. She can't seriously expect me to think that was permission to chase her or something?"
"Indeed it is. She just doesn't know it herself either. Deep down she wants you to do that, but she's still fighting her own conscious about it, so she doesn't realise it yet. But now…" She falls down into the couch next to me. "Now you totally messed up the timeline by that Sophia stunt. Now she thinks you're over her and doesn't stand a chance at all."
"Well exactly. Because SHE rejected ME"
Now she's just ignoring me. "And what the hell did Charlotte do here? And those others? Don't try to forget San, try to find a solution. Ow yes, I can totally see it before me. You're made for each other! I knew it the second you guys made eye contact."
This conversation is making me nervous. And not in a good way. "Okay, settle down Romeo! There's nothing happening here."
"You don't know that. I'm begging you San, don't give up yet."
I huff, stubbornly crossing my legs and arms. "No! I've tried it. I'm done."
"You can't possible give up on one try. Even if it's not with Brittany then with somebody else. Don't give up on your feelings yet San. Come on, where's that go-getter I know is inside you? Did you become a singer at the first try? Where you able to stand where you stand now at the first go?" Sensing no response from me, she just continues the conversation like I'm perfectly interacting with her. "Of course not. So stop it. Don't drown in self-pity."
That's it. I hit her on the arm. "SELF-PITY?"
She neglects my reaction. "It's been six months for gods sakes San. And all that sleeping ar.. all those girls that came by, just to forget about someone who didn't want to go on a date with you? Someone who you've known for two weeks. Talked to a few times? Isn't your reaction a bit … extreme?"
I don't answer. "Unless I'm right and she is your soulmate." She sits back down next to me on the couch, frowning and scratching her neck from thinking too hard. "Then it makes perfect sense. But then it's not the answer to just sit down and expect faith to knock on your door on a random day, delivering you the woman of your life."
Knock, knock.
Both our heads snap towards the door. We give a startled look towards each other. Okay, that's just plain creepy. But it can't be. She doesn't even know where I life. Quinn gives me an amused look. "You're thinking about her right now aren't you?"
I push myself up, leaning heavily onto her, not even feeling sorry if I hurt her or not. I cautiously walks towards the door, hesitant to get near. Once I open the door, I can't seem to conceal my disappointment. It's Sophia.
I think I'd rather wanted it to be the pizza delivery guy. Just anything else. I hear Quinn sneer beside me. At least we agree she is definitely not someone I'll hold near in my future. In fact…
"Hello Sophia. What do you want?" I try to keep my voice neutral, but I'm sure she can hear I'm not exactly pleased to see her right now.
"Hey Santana. You didn't call me for some time." If she's bothered by my closed off and uninterested body language, she doesn't show it. "I saw Charlotte walking out of here. How can you do this to me? I thought I was the only one. But I've seen you walking around with the other ones these past few months. I've had it. I command you to stop seeing them."
My arms fall down from surprise. What in the name … "Excuse me?"
"You've heard it. You're mine." She tries to grab me by my collar, but I hastily take a step back, making her grab thin air.
I take a deep breath in, trying to keep myself calm. If I want her to leave me alone, then I'm sure it won't help my case if I get angry at her.
"Listen Sophia. I've never said we were in a relationship. I thought we both agreed upon this being one time moments. It's clear to me now that you can't see it that way. I don't think we should see each other anymore. I'd appreciate it if you'd delete my number and not come knocking at my door again. I don't even know how you and Charlotte got my address in the first place … anyway, doesn't matter right now … You're a great person. It's not fair of me to keep you from other women. So goodbye Sophia." Before I close my door completely, I give her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry Sophia. Have a nice life."
The door falls into its lock; I'm not really waiting for a reaction. I hope she understands that this time I really meant it. I've said some things between those lines multiple times now. But if a woman shows up ready for a night and walks away again … that's hard to resist sometimes. But enough.
I turn around, seeing Quinn is just around the corner. She heard the full conversation… "Wow. Did thé Santana Lopez apologize to a hook up? Did she rejected a hook up? I'm impressed. And excited." She grabs my arm with just too much excitement. "Does this mean you'll look into my plan?"
"Shut up Q. Let's watch a movie or something. It's been a long day."
…
I'm walking through the hallways of NYU, the doors of economics class quickly approaching. Someone is walking too closely for my own comfort next to me. When I look to my right side, I can't quite seem to remember who it is. I can only figure she's got long brown locks and a bad taste in clothes.
The person looks back at me. "Crap, I have Geology in five minutes on the other side of campus. I have to go!" She grabs my hand and squeezes it just too hard. It makes me frown. She either doesn't see it or she just ignores my reaction. "Will you come afterwards? Your class is shorter than mine, and we were going to that party from my friend, remember?"
Seeing the rejection already on my face, she gives me a sensual kiss, moving her lips towards my ear. She speaks while I can still feel her lips move against my cheekbone. It makes me shudder and alert. "If you hurry, we can still go to my room for a quickie before we have to leave."
She just walks away, not even waiting for my response. Wow, the confidence!
I've got to say, she's got skills. I'm not easily overwon in a hookup situation that last longer a week, but this one knows exactly how to communicate with me.
With regret I turn around to prepare myself for two boring long hours. They seem to take forever. Though for some reason the professor didn't really made sense. The room was acting strange and he just kept rewriting sentences in a language I'm not familiar with. Plus, the screeching sound his chalkboard is making... I hate it.
My ears hur- Huh? What?
I'm suddenly on the other side of campus, waiting at the door of another classroom. That one from geology I guess. I'm confused. How come I don't remember walking here?
Anyhow … I must be early. I can still hear the teacher rambling on about some stone or something. The passion coming from that professor … it's almost admirable. Almost.
Getting bored I look away, looking over other classrooms that have already finished. The flow of students come my way and I casually lean up against the wall. I'm never bothered by the immense wave of people, and I am cocky enough to take my own space so they need to take a step to the side to not fall over my foot.
When most of the crowd has passed, something peaks my interest. There's a girl, walking out of the classroom, by herself. Not surrounded by friends, but by the look of it I don't think she minds. She's holding her folder close against her chest, before thinking the best of it. Instead she drops her backpack to the ground and puts her maps away. It takes a while before she closes her bag again, like she's looking for something.
For some reason she's got me mesmerized with her motions. There's a fluidity in her way of moving her hands that have an almost hypnotizing character. Her blonde locks are neatly put in a ponytail and her eyes seem so blue it's almost unreal how clear they seem from my point of view.
I try to catch her attention once she's walking again, but she doesn't seem interested in making conversation, figuring from the tempo she's walking. She does however offer me a small smile in passing. Nonetheless, before I can open my mouth to start a conversation, she's already too far away.
I'm half thinking of following her, but someone grabbing my arm pulls me out of my train of thought. It's that girl I was waiting for… once I see the hungry eyes in front of me, I forget the blonde girl and walk away towards the dorm rooms, not looking back.
Before anything else happens, I startle awake. A feeling of regret and guilt washing over me. Was that girl that passed me … Brittany? Was that a real memory or some twisted strange dream?
"San?" A mumbling Quinn slowly starts to wake up, the place on my shoulder suddenly feeling cold where her head was laying. I guess we fell asleep somewhere during our movie.
"Yeah?" I softly ask.
"You okay?" She mumbles, still half unconscious.
"I hope I will be soon." After not getting an immediate response I build up my courage and speak out the two words I say too little to her. "Thank you Quinn."
I grab her shoulder extra hard, trying to show her just how much it means to me she's here. Without needing a response, we stay like that for some time, before she's fully awake.
Shrugging my own troubles away for the moment I let her go and make myself comfortable on the couch. "So…" I wiggle my brows. "Tell me everything I want, and don't want, to hear about Sam. How's it going? What do I not know yet. Tell me everything from when, why, and where."
At the mention of Sam's name Quinn jumps up. "If I'm going to talk to you about my dating life, we'll need a stronger drink then water. Just a sec."
When she's back on the couch, she gives me one more questionable look, making sure I'm okay. Realising it's my turn to be there for her, I gently slap her on the knee. "Enough about me already. Come on. I'm ready to hear about your oh so interesting heterosexual boyfriend."
Even with the teasing, I see a shimmer in her eyes I haven't seen on her for a long time. It makes me so happy to see her like this. I don't mind one bit to go the whole evening listening to her rambling on about the most boring, basic human I've ever met (I'll never say it out loud to her, I swear).
"Okay. Where do I start?" Quinn starts. "Oh I know, so remember all those phone calls I kept having when you were with me? Well you already know a lot of those where from Sam …"
…