Chapter 56: The Mind of Madness

It had been a few days since the start of the Royal Selection, and the majority of the Emilia Camp (the adventurers, specifically) were bored out of their minds.

Because for most of them, there was nothing to do.

Emilia was busy studying everything she needed to know about being a Royal Candidate and possible ruler, Otto was now managing the finances of the Camp, and Subaru's been in the library with Beatrice ever since they got back. The maids all performed their regular duties, Roswaal had the job of actually running his region, but Garfiel?

The rest of the original party?

Bored beyond compare.

Patches yawned as he stared at the ceiling. "Ah, boredom. The oldest and most unbeatable enemy of time, determined to torment us forever at intervals where nothing's going on."

The werewolf looked over to the Undead trickster. "Since when did you become a poet?"

Patches shrugged. "I haven't. Just experience."

"Any way to alleviate it?" Sieglinde asked.

"Depends," the bald man said, getting up from the floor. "Wanna commit crimes?"

"Hmm…" Serana scratched her chin. "What sort of crimes?

"Luring unsuspecting clerics and kicking them down holes is my favorite pastime."

Erik sweatdropped at that. "That sounds like bullying."

"Let us... not do that," Solaire said, agreeing with Erik's sentiment.

"Any other ideas?" J'zargo asked.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK. KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK. KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK.

Everyone in the foyer room turned to the front door when they heard the knocking. Oscar approached it and opened the door, and was met with a rather… peculiar sight.

It was a middle-aged man with weird black clothing, that looked too clean to be a peasant but too outlandish to be a noble. On the left side of his chest were strange characters he had never seen before. If he knew English, the characters would have read as "DPS."

"I got a package for a mister…" The man pulls out comically large glasses, nearly the size of his head as he puts them on and examines the name on the package, "Subabaru?"

"GODDAMMIT! IT'S SUBARU!"

Everyone else watched in curiosity, as their de facto leader stepped out of one of the various rooms in the manor (most likely linked to the Forbidden Library), and marched towards the man.

The man snapped his fingers and laughed for a second, much to Subaru's annoyance. "Ah, that's it. Can never get the name of that car brand right."

"How did you even get in here – Nevermind. Just… give it here."

"Pleasure doing business, morties!" The front door slammed itself close, and just like that, the weird man had left.

"Who the hell was that?" Erik asked the former Great Sage.

"I have no idea. I didn't order a package. Hell, I didn't even know they existed yet."

"So, is misspelled your name just that common?" Aela asked. "You seemed quite annoyed."

As the others were discussing the nature of Subaru's weird name, Emilia, meanwhile, walked towards the others, after hearing the commotion in the foyer. "What's going on?"

Patches, in a sing-song voice, did a stupid little dance. "He just got a letter! He just got a letter! He just got a letter! I wonder who it's from?"

"Don't pull out the Blue's Clues stuff." Subaru groaned a bit as he was pulling off the tape. "Also, when did tape get invented here…?"

"What?" the bald Undead asked, shrugging. "It's relevant!"

"So, what's in it?" Siegmeyer asked.

"With my luck? A pipe bomb."

Subaru opened the box, which to his surprise, only contained a scroll. Unraveling it, Subaru could only read the words out loud. "'Welcome to the Rice Fields, Morties!'... What?"

"Morties? Isn't that the name of a teenager that hung around a mad scientist?"

Before Subaru could answer Patche's question, the scroll began to glow so bright, it blinded everyone in the room. Several shouts could be heard, but once the light died down, Subaru, Emilia, Patches, Aela, Sieglinde, J'zargo, and Oscar… were all gone.

"What the —?!" Solaire sputtered. "Where did they go?!"

Erik looked around for his fellow Nord. "AELA! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Elsewhere, the bright light died down, as Subaru and the others looked around to see… nothing. They were in a white void with nothing around. Absolutely nothing.

"Huh," the nasty-eyed man hummed. "Guess it was a bomb."

"Where are we...?" Emilia asked.

"I'm gonna assume we're in Hell."

"How?" Oscar asked, turning towards Patches. "We're Undead."

"Maybe we perma-died."

"Not so likely."

J'zargo turned around, spells ready, as he heard a familiar voice. "Eh? What the-?!"

Everyone looked to the source of the voice to see none other than a mass of green tentacles and a single eye, belonging to none other than the Daedric Prince of Knowledge and Fate, Hermeaous Mora, who addressed the group or, more specifically, one in particular.

"We cross paths once again, Dragonborn."

Subaru narrowed his eyes. "I've seen this hentai before…"

The mass of viridian tendrils looked towards the black-haired otherworlder. "Ah, and the Chosen Undead. The former Great Sage. A pleasure to meet you, Subaru Natsuki."

"Nice to meet you, too. Loved your cameo in Multiverse of Madness."

"Hahahahoooo! You were right, Mora! He's good when it comes to quips! Like a natural Peter Parker or Ben Tennyson!" Everyone turned around to see someone else there. It was a man in his fifties, wearing a strange suit that was orange on one side and purple on the other.

"Hm? Who's this asshole?" Patches asked.

"Hang on, you're the one that brought that package!" Aela exclaimed.

"How could you tell?" J'zargo asked.

"That's definitely the same voice," Sigelinde said.

"I get it!" Subaru snapped his fingers. "No one actually pays attention to the worker, do they?"

"A worker? Hah! Please! The last thing I worked on was making a bunch of vikings pull pranks on each other once a day every year! Then I spread it to the rest of Earth!"

"Wait a minute… you're…?"

Before Subaru could finish his sentence, the man gave an enthusiastic bow and introduced himself. "Name's Sheogorath! Daedric Prince of Madness! At your service."

"Wonderful," the former Great Sage said, rubbing his temples. "So, what do H.P. Lovecraft's wet dream and Mr. Mxyzptlk on stilts want with us? Nothing good, I assume."

Hermeaous Mora spoke up and gained their attention again. "It is not just us, Subaru Natsuki. We know what is to come. Should you fail, then our efforts on your universe will be wasted."

"Your efforts?"

"Of course! We just love dicking with mortals! Well, I do, but some of our acquaintances had "plans" and boring stuff to do. So, we got to talkin', and talkin', and talkin', and some of us decided to give ya a little nudge."

"A little nudge?" Emilia repeated.

Hermeaous Mora… nodded? At least, that's what Subaru thought that was, given how he was moving up and down. "You have each grown strong in your own ways, but you will inevitably fail. However, we can provide you with our artifacts to... assist you in your mission."

Aela connected the dots. "Wait… are you saying…?"

Sheogorath then did a little finger wag. "Oh, but don't think it's gonna be easy! We got some errands planned for ya to make sure you're worthy and all that!"

"What sort of errands?" Sieglinde asked.

"Quests to prove you are worthy to wield our artifacts. Complete them, and they will be yours to keep for the remainder of your lives."

"Great!" Patches clapped his hands. "When do we begin?"

"Oh, don't worry. We'll take care of that! LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!" Sheogorath clapped his hand, and just like that, everyone disappeared in a flash of light.

Back at the Roswaal Manor, those who witnessed the flash of light and the disappearance of their comrades had got everyone else together to discuss the situation.

"WHAT?! BETTY LEAVES SUBARU OUT OF HER SIGHT FOR TWO MINUTES, AND THIS HAPPENS?!" the blonde girl screamed. "HOW CAN YOU BE SO INCOMPETENT?!"

Ram was equally frustrated at this development. "I concur! What do you mean they're gone?!"

Solaire was quick to explain the situation (and to defend himself and his comrades, while he was at it). "A flash of light came from the scroll, and they disappeared!"

"Roswaal-sama, could you find them?" Rem asked.

"I will see what I can do, but I can't make any promises."

Garfiel groaned, "This is a fuckin' disaster…"

"Baw-kack!"

"HAH?!" Garfiel jumped to the side as the group saw… a chicken?

Yes, indeed, seemingly out of nowhere, an avian of the poultry variety, wandered into the room, gobbling to itself and looking at them. Otto was the first to speak up, "Is… that a chicken?"

"How did it get in here?!" Ram looked about ready to kill it, getting suspicious it wasn't a normal chicken. And she was right to be suspicious, as the chicken then… spoke.

"Sorry about your friends, lads!" the bird said. "We'll be borrowing them for a bit to give 'em a wee little hand! Gotta put 'em through the wringer and all that!"

Everyone was in silent shock at hearing the chicken… speak? Otto, being able to talk to animals normally, was the first to recover. "Wait, who's… "we," in this scenario, exactly?"

"Just me and some of the other Princes. Anyways, they'll be back before the end of the day! They'll tell ya all about it! Now, how do I hang up this thing... Oh, here we go!"

The bird began to move its head around unnaturally, before suddenly returning back to normal, and, in a feminine, artificial voice, saying, "This Chicken will now self-destruct."

"EVERYONE, GET DOWN!"

BOOM!

The bird exploded into a flash of fire, knocking everyone to the floor. Once the explosion died down, there was a scorch mark and smoke where the chicken once stood.

"Oww…" Frederica groaned, getting up. "That chicken talked…?"

"Betty... believes she knows who took them…" Beatrice said, as she was now shaking, having come to that horrible realization.

"Some really smart animals…?" Otto asked.

Beatrice gulped as she explained. "It said "Princes", and there's only one being in existence capable of and crazy enough to send a talking, exploding chicken as a messenger…"

Roswaal gulped, looking more pale than usual. "Sheogorath…"

"Wait... you mean the Daedric God of Madness...?" Solaire had only heard tales of the Mad God's insanity and chaos.

"That explains the talking chicken…" Rem said, looking at the scorch mark.

Seigmeyer then had one last question. "But, what would he want with my daughter and the others?"

Elsewhere, in some other plane of existence, Patches awoke in a strange, foggy forest. He didn't have his spear with him, only the clothes on his back were still with him.

He immediately understood he was robbed, and by whom.

"Tch," the bald man clicked his tongue. "Waluigi-looking prick…"

After getting up and walking for a minute, Patches came to a rather... strange sight. Between three stone archways was a stone table with plenty of food and two people talking.

Patches recognized one of them as Sheogorath, but he didn't recognize the other one.

"Hey! What's with the tea party?"

Sheogorath looked over and waved at him. "Ah, bald one! Join us! We were just about to have dessert! So, more tea, Pelly my dear?"

The man simply raised his hands to reject it. "Oh, I couldn't. Goes right through me. Besides, I have so many things to do... So many undesirables to contend with. Naysayers. Buffoons. Detractors. Why, my headman hasn't slept in three days!"

"Pelly?" Patches said to himself, as he watched the whole affair play out.

Sheogorath smiled. "You are far too hard on yourself, my dear, sweet, homicidally insane Pelagius. What would the people do without you? Dance? Sing? Smile? Grow old? You are the best Septim that's ever ruled. Well, except for that Martin fellow, but he turned into a dragon god, and that's hardly sporting... You know, I was there for that whole sordid affair. Marvelous time! Butterflies, blood, a fox, a severed head... Oh, and the cheese! To die for."

"Okay, this is just disturbing," Patches deadpanned.

The man, now named Pelagius, turned to him. "Tell me about it, bald one. He's said it countless times already."

Sheogorath crossed his arms and puffed out his cheeks. "Humph! Well then, if you're going to be like that... Perhaps it's best I take my leave. A good day to you sir. I said good day!"

Just like that, Pelagius vanished into thin air.

"Well… I was expecting a lot of things. This was not one of them."

Sheogorath laughed to himself. "That's what I always strive for! Expect the unexpected, and don't expect the expected! If everything were so predictable, you know what it would be? BORING! And who wants that?"

Patches shrugged to himself. "It's just… you seem kinda inconsistent. I know you're supposed to be madness incarnate, but… ehhh… you're not all that impactful."

"Oh?" Sheogorath almost looked… offended at that. "Not impactful? NOT! IMPACTFUL!? Alright, I'll show you impactful!"

With a clap of his hands, Patches puffed into smoke, and when it cleared, it revealed Patches with the body of a hyena and the legs of a spider.

"There! No hands for you!"

"Ha! Seriously?! I've been a spider before! I consider this an upgrade!"

Sheogorath chuckled to himself. "Oh, then let's see how much fun you have gettin' outta here then!"

The spider-man hybrid raised an eyebrow. "Wait, as in, out of this forest?"

"Oh, did I not tell ya? Do you know where you are? Where you really, really are?"

The bald spider glared at the deity. "No. You didn't."

Sheogorath gestured to the "forest" in question. "Welcome to the deceptively verdant mind of the Emperor Pelagius III. That's right! You're in the head of an undead, homicidally insane monarch!"

"Oh, so that's who your guest was."

"Exactly! So, tell me, how do ya plan to get out?"

"I could ask nicely…"

Sheogorath nodded in recognition. "Maybe, maybe, but you might also be thinking "Can I still rely on my sneaking and my stabbing and my kicking all that nonsense?" Sure, sure. Or... you could use... " The Mad God snapped his fingers, and caused a gray staff to appear on the table. It looked rather normal, until the end where it looked like three faces were screaming in different expressions. "The Wabbajack! Huh? HUH? Didn't see that coming, did you?"

Patches narrowed his eyes at the staff. "Alright, what's the catch?"

Sheogorath laughed to himself before he regained his composure. "Hah! I do love it when mortals realize they're being manipulated! Makes things infinitely more interesting! The catch is simple: You gotta use the Wabbajack to help Pelagius' mind!"

"Help?" That one word threw off Patches.

"Of course! He's almost as mad as me! Get this, he once outlawed... Death! Can you believe it!? He made it illegal to die!"

Patches was actually a bit stunned as he tried to figure out how someone would enforce it. "Uhh… how?"

"Tried to give everyone the Dark Sign. Didn't get very far though."

"Someone stopped him?" Patches surmised.

"Yeah, turns out Kyne wasn't a big fan of the massive outbreak of immortality."

"Kyne?"

"Kyle, Kynareth, Goddess of Storms, one crazy woman in the cosmic sheets." Sheogorath whistled to himself.

'Uh-huh…"

"Where do you think hurricanes come from? She really knows how to give a god a good time! I still remember when her and Shor would go so loud, we could hear it in Oblivion! HAH!"

Yeah, time to move on from that. "So… where is the creep?"

"That's for you to find out. Take the Wabbajack and take care of business! Mush mush!"

"And how exactly am I supposed to pick it up?" Patches asked, as he wiggled around the front set of his spider-like legs. "No thumbs, remember?"

Sheogorath scratched his chin as he realized the error, but shrugged. "Should've thought about that before calling me mid. But, I suppose you can't take the trial like that. I suppose I'll give ya a hand. Here, have twenty one."

With a snap of Sheogorath's fingers, Patches suddenly had nearly two dozen arms poking out of his body.

"Ehhh… I can work with this."

Patches grabbed the Wabbajack with one of his many hands, and made his way through one of the arches. After a minute of walking, Patches found an arena. Walking up the stairs, he saw two Storm Atronachs fighting each other, and three men in Dwarven armor on the other side.

Suddenly, Sheogorath's voice was heard in the mental realm as he explained the situation… in his own way. "Oh, good choice. Well, good for me. I find everyone being out to get you so terribly entertaining. You might find it... less so. You see, Pelagius' mother was... well... let us say 'unique.' Although, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, she was fairly average for a Septim. That woman wielded fear like a cleaver. Or did she wield a cleaver and make people afraid? I never get that part right... Oh, but she taught her son well. Pelagius learned at a very early age that danger could come from anywhere. At any time. Delivered... by anyone."

"Is this a threat or color commentary? 'Cause I can't tell," Patches said.

"That's for you to decide. Now, test start!" With that, Sheogorath went silent.

"Sheesh, hope this isn't timed…"

Patches charged up the Wabbajack and fired a red orb at one of the Atronachs, and it turned into a Flame Atronach, an elemental woman of flames and death.

"Shit! Fix, fix, fix!" Patches fired another bolt from the Wabbajack, and turned it into a Frost Atronach, which now seemed to have an edge over the Storm Atronach.

Patches had no idea what he was supposed to do. "Guess I'm rooting for that one…"

Suddenly, the Storm Atronach turned into a Flame Atronach, which now was beating the Frost Atronach. "Cone on, win this!" Patches shouted. "You can do it!"

Patches tried the process again, turning the Frost Atronach into a Storm Atronach, but the Flame Atronach turned into a Frost Atronach. "There's got to be a pattern…"

The process continued for five whole minutes with seemingly no progress.

Patches used one of his many arms to scratch his bald head. "Maybe I'm doing this wrong?"

Then, Patches remembered something Sheogorath said earlier. Danger could come from anywhere, and... from anyone.

It was then that an idea popped into Patches' head. Instead of the Atronachs, Patches aimed the Wabbajack at the armored men and fired. Two of them were turned into wolves and tore the other one apart.

Sheogorath then spoke up again. "Oho! I thought you'd never figure it out! With the threat gone Pelagius is under the delusion that he is safe, which means you've helped him out... sort of. And you're that much closer to home."

"How adorable." Patches went back to the dining table in the forest where Sheogorath was still waiting. "So, where to next?"

"That's up to you! Left or Right? Liberal or Conservative?"

The bald Undead sighed at the antics. "Guess I'm going with right…"

Patches walked back to the opening in the forest and went into the right arch.

This was a rather peculiar sight. A larger Pelagius wearing leather armor was beating up a tiny version of Pelagius.

"Ah, now this is a sad path. Pelagius hated and feared many things. Assassins, wild dogs, zombies, pumpernickel... But the deepest, keenest hatred was for himself. The attacks he makes on himself can be seen here fully. They are always carried out on the weakest part of his fragile self. The self-loathing enhances Pelagius' anger! Ah, but his confidence will shrink with every hit. You must bring the two into balance."

Patches knew what to do here. He pointed Wabbajack at the angry Pelagius, and fired.

With two shots, Patches reduced the height and strength of the angry Pelagius to a baby's height. Seeing that it still wasn't over yet. Patches fired two shots at the tiny Pelagius, which made him grow to adult height.

"Wonderfully done. Pelagius is finally ready to love himself... and continue hating everyone else."

"Guess there's only one path left now." Taking the last Arch, Patches came upon Pelagius sleeping in a bed.

Sheogorath: You've headed down the path of dreams. Unfortunately for you, Pelagius suffered night terrors from a young age. All you need to do is find something to wake our poor Pelagius up. You'll find his terrors easy to repel... but persistent.

"Night terrors, self-hatred, and a fear of everything; is there anything that's not seriously messed up with him?"

"Ask your Sage friend, it seems like he has good experience in that department."

Patches smacked his face. "Shoulda seen that coming…"

Not seeing what else to do, Patches shot a bunch of blasts at the sleeping Pelagius. When he stopped, a Wolf, a Orc warrior, a Hagraven, a Flame Atronach, and a Dragon Priest all appeared out of nowhere, and were very angry.

Patches just pointed at the sleeping Pelegius. "Uhh… he did it."

They all made a beeline for Pelagius, which caused Patches to realize what he needed to do.

"ZAP, ZAP, ZAP!"

It was close, but Patches managed to blast them all with the Wabbajack, turning them into harmless things. "Well now, that's something to crow about. With Pelagius up and about you're moving right along. Now… it looks like you're ready to go home!"

Patches narrowed his eyes. "I'm sensing a "but" coming…"

Sheogorath summoned Patches right back to him. "Well, the trial is over and ya passed! The Wabbajack is yours to keep! Well, for next century, or until I need to write a check. Whatever comes first."

Patches just raised an eyebrow. "A check? What for?"

"To turn it into cheese! I'm a Daedric Prince! Money's the last thing I need!"

"Yep. Still hate you."

"Can't stand someone more chaotic than you, eh? Understandable. Cya!"

Just like that, Patches was teleported back to the mansion. Looking around, he could see that Garifel and Otto were in the room with him. Thank goodness, back to sanity…

"Eh?" Garfiel turned around. "Whuz tha–?! AHHH! SPIDER!"

Patches smirked as he saw the opportunity to screw with the others. "Honey! I'm home!"

"Garf, what –?! AHHH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Otto screamed.

Suddenly, Sheogorath popped out from one of the doors. "Whoops, almost forgot!"

The Mad God snapped his fingers, returning Patches back to normal. "Call me if you finds yourself in New Sheo! We can have cheesecake!"

Just like that, Sheogorath was gone, as everyone stared in silence.

"…What the hell just happened?" Otto asked in horror.

Patches sighed. "Trust me, you don't wanna know."

Author's Note: Yes, we did reference Patche's spider body from Bloodborne in this one. Along with a Stan Lee cameo and the "pipe bomb" joke from Potter Puppet Pals.

(HERE IT IS! We've been planning this specific arc since the beginning of The Elder Souls! This is part one of "The Daedric Trials". As you can probably guess, several of the cast have been kidnapped by some of the Daedric Princes, who intend to have them take trials to prove them worthy of their artifacts in order to give them a better chance against what's to come. Don't worry, we made sure to avoid any truly evil Princes like Mehrunes Dagon or Molag Bal. Anyways, we hope you all enjoy it!) Now, it's comment time!

5queso: Like I said, I was on an X-Men binge while writing this, so the line slipped in. Glad to see you could enjoy some nostalgia from that, while also seeing Subaru do a Julius Juukulius on the guy who invented it.

Kifhjoofff: Siempre estuve deseando que ambos escribieran y que todos leyeran la lata de mierda que Julius abrió sobre sí mismo. Feliz de ver si valió la pena.

Qubon: Julius will be back (eventually), so look forward to that. I don't know if Alduin would be able to eat Regulus, and Capella won't be showing her ugly mug for a while now. Also, it is pretty fun to imagine Subaru as an old man with lots of descendants, but the sad reality is that we'll probably never see Old Man Natsuki, either here or in canon.

Just fan (Guest): I've… got nothing. (Yes, we know Alduin can fart the entire multiverse out of existence if he wanted to, but in order to have a good story, this Alduin has to be heavily nerfed for our protagonists to even attempt to be able to beat him. If Alduin was that OP in the story, then no one could stop him short of literal Divine intervention.)

Anyways, back to the regular old shilling…

I'm pretty sure as you all know now, I have also made a Twitter account to post my art, so if anyone is interested in checking it out, /ErnaloreProf is the link.

If you want more content, visit my Discord, the link is /3PFYSt8Dqz. You can chat with others, post memes, fanfic recommendations and prompts, role play, fan art, and we even have a writer's corner now! I'll also drop by with announcements and chat with you all every now and then! Also, if you want to add me as a friend, my username is Ernalore#8663! Just please make sure to follow the rules

Thanks for reading, and once again, see you next time!

- Ernalore & Infinite the Celestian