The Arc Clan
A RWBY Fic by AndrewJTalon
DISCLAIMER: This is a fan based work of prose. RWBY is the property of Rooster Teeth and ViZ. Please support the official release.
Jaune's distant uncles pay a visit... And they have a plan. God help us all.
A guest chapter by Pingas Plight.
Today seemed like it was going to be a good day for Jaune.
Classes turned out to be pretty easy. Nora was only a manageable amount degree of crazy. He had a highly productive time training with Pyrrha. Honestly, he thought today couldn't get any better.
"Uncles Jumpman!?"
Luckily, looking at the bewildered purple beanpole and yellow couch potato, it turned out to be a rotten day!
"P-pipsqueak! What are you doing here?! Did you get stood up by some broad? I'll suplex them into the earth!"
"They won't be able to stand once we're through with them!"
"No, no, it's fine! I'm a student here! I passed the exam! I'm a real Huntsman!... In training!"
The two of them took a moment to ponder, looking at each other while looking puzzled... Before almost falling over themselves to hug Jaune.
"Waaah! I knew you had it in you, pipsqueak! We- I- oh, my heart! I'm so - sniff - so proud!"
"Oh, give it just a few days, Jauny boy, the whole WORLD will know your name!"
The two of them hefted Jaune up by his armpits, tossing him up in the air like a hero while cackling the whole time. And for a moment, everything was amazing...
"Yeah, uh, sorry I had to... Well, not lie, but skirt around the truth like that. If word got out about this, I'd never see the outside of my room for at least a month. You understand, right?"
"Of course we do! Oh, you've made us so proud... So, who else you give the slip to? Scam anyone recently? Oh, I can barely believe it! Little Jauny, grown into a sneak so fast! Wait, Wal, you man the stand, I'll go get us some leftover Wario Supremes!"
...Wait a minute.
"What? No, no, I haven't done anything like that ever since then! I won't, either."
Wal wiped away tears from his eyes, lightly shaking his head. He had a knowing smile on his face, one that Jaune hadn't really seen before.
"Yeah, yeah, that's how it starts. Withholding crucial details, then white lies, then bold lies, and next thing you know you join the W.A. Business! Ever need any tips just call us! I know you still have us on the scroll!"
Jaune just rolled his eyes. He really didn't understand his uncles' insistence on getting him to lie & cheat and all that "Fun" stuff. He was good with being a good honest man. Still, it was fun going on adventures with them...
Even though he wasn't supposed to tag along.
And then, a familiar scent hit his nose.
"Here you go, tyke! A Wario Supreme, fresh from the oven! You're lucky I just made some! Still hot! Make sure to eat it like a bum, that's the best way to enjoy it, chef's guarantee!"
And he did. He shoved the glorious, over-garlicked and over-salted fajita into his mouth like a freak. And it was good. The three of them had a laugh at it all.
"So, what's the Great Jumpman Brothers selling today? Kitchen painted-silver-ware? Watches that are always right twice a day? Lovingly used scrolls?"
"Even better, boy! Listen, you remember those dust bullets everyone uses?"
Jaune had a bit of a sinking feeling.
"Well, Waluigi here, absolute arteest he is, has create a mixture that looks exactly like dust! So, we put in some real dust to make sure that with the always-present buyer beware flier we don't break any laws... Then we fill it with the powder!"
Jaune actually looked at the stand. The whole thing was lined with bullets, grenades, even a second-hand weapon here and there. It all clicked.
"...That... That's so much worse than what you usually do. What happens when someone buys something and it fails when they're in a fight?"
"Bah! What happens to the people on the street when they can't afford a house and a hunter comes along? What happened to us when the damn toadies came along and booted us out?! Did any heroes come along, get us back on our feet? No!"
Jaune was about to say something, but then...
"Oh wow, this place is new!"
"Ruby?"
"Oh hey Jaune! You, uh... Know these guys? Is... Is that safe to eat?"
Jaune was about to offer some of it to Ruby - dear GODS was Wario a miracle man in the kitchen when it came to low-brow food - but then he realized there was a much bigger concern to it.
Then Wario hugged him from the side, with Waluigi rustling up his hair.
"Oh, you know beanpole here? Hah, look at you Jaune! Lying, becoming a ladies boy, oh your mother would have a conniption fit! I'm WAAAARIO, and-
"I'm WALUIIIIGII, and welcome to-"
With that, the two broke into the routine he's seen thirty times before. Leg stretched out, jazz hands, borderline unhinged smile, all the works.
""THE WAHNDERFUL JUMPMAN BROTHERS ASSOCIATION, Beacon branch! We've got plenty of ammunition for the aspiring hunter, along with explosives and the occasional lovingly-used weapon!""
"...Did you two rehearse that whole thing?"
""With aplomb! Now, please, browse to your hearts content!""
Jaune took a step back while Ruby did the exact opposite. Realizing exactly what would happen if this proceeded naturally, he frantically motioned to the twins to abort NOW. Unfortunately, they thought with their wallets, not their minds, so they just begged her to make a purchase.
"...Wait a minute..."
Jaune felt his heart stop for a moment.
"...Is this... I'LL TAKE IT ALL! I don't care what price you put on these antiques, just gimmegimmegimme-"
"H-hold on their, girl, are you sure? I don't think you can-"
"My sister owes me, and I won't lose out on these artisan works. Only one smith has ever managed to make working bullets with explosive powder and I'm not missing out on the bragging rights. Never knew you could color it though."
Jaune's uncles shot him a bewildered look, before giving Ruby a price.
"...I may need to call in Blake's favor too."
...Jaune was going to need to put a leash on these two while they were here, wasn't he?
So, here's my simply rotten idea:
Wario Jumpman and Waluigi Jumpman, already sitting on a rather withered end of the family tree, were unceremoniously pruned off by the main family one day. Then, when they heard about how Peach Arc, third of her name and rather well off, had married Mario Jumpman, they were desperate to get some manner of stability back and readily offered their services as handymen to the Huntsmen Extraordinaires themselves... Which led to them being told to just be night guards after somehow escalating things to the point of Professor Port himself telling them off (while also telling them about how they could be so much better.)
And then eventually, they found Jaune, who thought they were already cool. Which of course lead to them being cool uncles to him, teaching him about how to haggle down restaurant prices by finding petty nitpicks like "The chicken is 4.76 degrees below the advertised amount!" and "The curry is 100 Scoville below what you brag about!", how to find loopholes in taxes to minimize how much you have to pay WITHOUT angering the IRS, and various other pieces of streetsmarts.
Not pictured is Jaune holding Yang back from bodying the two of them for trying to scam Ruby without knowing they actually did have something of real value on their hands.