"Once inside, we'd fire a spread of transphasic torpedoes," Tuvok explained. He and Seven stood beside the screen in the briefing room showing the structure of the hub. The rest of the senior staff were positioned behind them in a loose semi-circle, leaning in closer in concentration.
"They'd be programmed to detonate simultaneously," Seven interjected.
"If the torpedoes penetrate the shielding, the conduits should begin to collapse in a cascade reaction. In order to avoid the shock wave, we'd have less than ten seconds to exit the hub."
"So it can be done," Kathryn said quietly. She had studied the specs for the torpedoes and Tuvok's 'if' was an 85% chance or more. Everyone seemed to hold their breath as the implications of that statement hit; what they were about to do. They would deal the Borg a serious blow and lose their chance of going home. Again.
"Lieutenant Paris?" she asked.
"Yes, Ma'am. It will be a challenge, but," he grinned at her, "a challenge I'll gladly accept."
"How is the implementation of the armor and the transformation of the torpedoes coming along?" Kathryn addressed her chief engineer.
"Both are perfectly compatible with Voyager's systems," answered B'Elanna and shot a curious look at Captain Hansen who was the only one sitting at the conference table. "It will take a few more hours to have everything ready. We should be good to go by tomorrow morning, Captain."
Kathryn nodded with approval. "Seven, please assist with that."
"I can lend a hand, if that is okay with you, Captain?" Captain Hansen volunteered. When she saw the hesitation in Kathryn's face, she added, "I promise that I will do my best not to contaminate the timeline any further."
"Alright," Kathryn conceded, then regarded her officers solemnly.
"I am sure, I am not the only one to experience déjà-vu. Last time I made the decision that stranded this crew in the Delta Quadrant. I needed to make a fast decision either to get home or to save the Ocampans. It hadn't been an easy decision but the only right one and I don't regret it. Today, we have a little bit of time to think our decision through, and it will be our decision." She slowly walked into the middle of the room, briefly touching each of her people as she passed them. Her voice grew soft. "This crew is more than a crew and this ship is no ordinary starship. We have become a family and this ship is our home." Kathryn paused to reign in her emotions and slightly leaned on the table for subtle support.
"We have three options to consider. First, here is our way home, a fast way home. The goal we have been working towards for so long is finally within reach. We could escape the dangers of the Delta Quadrant and be reunited with our loved ones at last. Tomorrow! Captain Hansen assured me that this option is safe enough." She looked at Annika, silently conveying that she put the lives of her crew and of the people of the Alpha Quadrant into Annika's hands, despite her misgivings. She hoped that they all wouldn't pay dearly for her trust.
"Second," she nodded at the screen, "we can destroy the hub and probably save billions of lives. But you all know that this option is risky. And we would destroy our way home as well.
"Third, we ignore everything and continue on our journey. We don't know what to expect, but after almost seven years in the Delta Quadrant we have an idea." Kathryn briefly glanced at Annika and then settled on B'Elanna, her face softened. "Voyager would be safe, at least for the moment.
"You know the crewmen who work under you, and you know what your own hearts are telling time the decision has to be mutual."
"Captain?" Ensign Kim was quick to break the silence.
"Go ahead, Harry."
"I think it's safe to say that no one on this crew has been more obsessed with getting home than I have. But, when I think about everything we've been through together, maybe it's not the destination that matters. Maybe it's the journey." He looked at his captain and held her gaze.
"And I wouldn't give this experience up for anything in this universe, the good times and the ones that were hard. They shaped me into the man I am today, a man, that I hope my parents can be proud of. On this journey I have learned that there are things far greater than my own wishes and desires. I know now that this is what I longed for when I signed up at the academy, to serve a purpose greater than me. How will I find rest in the bed of my childhood home tomorrow, when I know I could have saved countless lives from assimilation, a fate worse than death? We know that at least one of these apertures lead to the Alpha Quadrant. If we destroy the hub, we will also keep our loved ones safe." He stopped to take a breath. "So, if this journey takes a little longer so we can do something we all believe in, I can't think of any place I'd rather be, or any people I'd rather be with."
"Harry is right, Captain," Tom agreed. "Besides, a little bit of risk has served us well on our journey so far."
"My daughter isn't the only child that needs protection," B'Elanna chimed in. "And by destroying the hub, we will ultimately protect her as well."
The others nodded in assent, even though Chakotay shot her a pained look, believing that they had just sealed her fate. She surreptitiously shook her head at him. This wasn't about her. When her eyes fell on Annika, she was surprised that instead of anger or resignation, she saw wistful longing in her countenance. Kathryn's heart went out to her.
"It is agreed, then," she said softly as she turned back to her senior staff. "We will meet at 0800 hours to discuss last-minute details. Good work, everyone! And Harry, I know that your parents are proud of you." She squeezed his arm as she smiled at him.
He chuckled. "Well, to be honest, Captain, they are the kind of parents that are always proud of their child, no matter what."
"I am proud of you," she emphasized as the others filed out of the room.
"Thank you, Captain. That means a lot to me," he said quietly, but his face was beaming.
She squeezed his arm once again and turned to Tuvok before he could disappear.
"Tuvok, may I speak with you?"
The Vulcan inclined his head. "Of course, Captain."
They waited until they were alone. Kathryn sat down in her customary chair and indicated Tuvok to join her.
"Why haven't you told me?" she asked with troubled eyes.
"I am not aware of any negligence on my part, Captain," Tuvok stated calmly.
"No? Captain Hansen was certain that you are already suffering from a neurological condition."
"Captain Hansen is correct; however, 'suffering' is overstated, and your concern is appreciated, Captain, but premature. It will be several years before the symptoms become serious. Until then, the Doctor can manage my condition with medication. I, therefore, did not see the necessity to inform you of yet."
"But is it true what Captain Hansen said? That there's a cure in the Alpha Quadrant?" she inquired.
"It is called a fal-tor-voh, and it requires a mind meld with another Vulcan."
"What about the other Vulcans on Voyager?" She needed to ask even though she suspected that wasn't an option.
"None of them are compatible."
"But members of your family are? If you knew that returning to the Alpha Quadrant was your only chance for recovery, why didn't you object just now when everyone agreed to destroy the hub?"
"My sense of logic isn't impaired yet. If we succeed, millions of lives will be saved."
"What about your life?" she almost pleaded.
"To quote Ambassador Spock, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." He raised an eyebrow. "Nevertheless, I surmise your reasoning goes along similar lines."
"Of course," she admitted and smiled wryly. "Maybe I just hoped that somebody would talk me out of it." Kathryn turned slightly to gaze out of the window. "Voyager will suffer more casualties if we continue with our journey, and I know that compared to millions, it is a sacrifice we should make. Still, it is the deaths aboard Voyager that hurt the most." Her voice was rough with emotion. "It is my greatest wish to bring Voyager home safe and sound and to see my family again. And I confess that I am tempted to just use the hub to take us home and simply forget about the danger of drawing the Borg's attention to Earth and all the lives we could - should - save." She sighed deeply and rubbed a hand over her face. "That sounds so selfish. What have I become, Tuvok, that even my ensigns show more moral backbone than me?"
"Ensign Kim bases his moral compass on you, Captain, though he has yet to experience the full pressures of command," Tuvok pointed out. "You know that Vulcans, contrary to common belief, possess strong emotions. We simply choose to suppress them. You are only human in your yearning, but you choose not to act on it. I am certain that many on this ship, including Ensign Kim, think and feel like you."
Kathryn flashed him a grateful smile. "I am so glad that we are on this journey together, my old friend. I couldn't have done this without you."
"I, too, appreciate having been able to serve with and under you and I am pleased that you regard me as your friend." He paused in thought. "I'd like to give you a gift, Captain. I had intended to give it to you for some time, but I had opted to wait - as you Humans say - for the right moment. I believe that moment has come. Would you accompany me to my quarters, Captain?"
Kathryn's mouth had suddenly gone dry. "You don't have to give me anything, Tuvok," she croaked.
He simply cast a very Vulcan look upon her. "It is my wish."
"Yes, yes of course I will come with you.
Kathryn inhaled deeply the fragrance of orchids and incense that was as much a permanent part of Tuvok's quarters as the smell of coffee was of hers. In all these years she hadn't been to Tuvok's quarters very often, but the clean, slightly sweet scent always has had a soothing effect on her. She watched as Tuvok lit candles and incense and looked around. She knew that he hadn't put up pictures of his family, but this time the absence of mementos hit her somehow.
"Do you miss your family?" she blurted out.
"I can't say that I don't, Captain, but their absence doesn't cause me any pain," Tuvok said as they both sat down on the couch. "Our bond is strong. I am sure of their love as they are of mine. Distance doesn't matter."
"That sounds beautiful," Kathryn mused and smiled wistfully. "I know that my mother and my sister love me, but ever since we made contact with the Alpha Quadrant the distance seems unbearably long."
"I have asked you here to give you a gift." Kathryn's eyes involuntarily wandered to his empty hands. "It is not a physical gift, Captain. I have told you that we do experience emotions, quite deeply at times. It is these times that we share with our family. It is this ritual that strengthens the bond between us. I'd like to share some of these memories and emotions with you."
"What?" she whispered, suddenly nervous.
"I do understand your hesitation. This ritual is regarded as somewhat … intimate and the shared emotions can be overwhelming at times, maybe more so for humans. I assure you that I won't share anything with you that would make you uncomfortable. And while it requires a mind-meld, it won't cause you any harm. This ritual is usually performed at turning points in the lives of the individuals. I believe that you and I have reached such a turning point."
Kathryn searched his face. "If you are sure?"
"I am, Captain."
When Tuvok placed his cool hands on her face and spoke the familiar words, she found herself bathed in soothing darkness. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked around. Tuvok stood next to her, his face serene, and pointed with his other hand at something in the distance. She squinted. There was something small, blurry, and colorful. The picture grew until she could see a scene she remembered all too well. She blushed with mortification. Having been dressed down by the Vulcan ensign in front of three admirals hadn't been one of her finer moments. She remembered how naive and idealistic she had been. Well, the Delta Quadrant beat that out of her sure enough.
'You have matured, yes,' Tuvok spoke with obvious affection, 'but you have retained quite a bit of that optimism and idealism.' Kathryn looked at him in surprise. She had never heard him speak like this before. It wasn't really his voice she heard, but ideas that were not her own formed in her mind, alien emotions flowed through her, in and out like waves. Still, she felt calm and steady.
'Now be still. Watch.'
The scene played out around her. She had been so angry back then and so sure that Tuvok, that arrogant, irritating Vulcan, enjoyed every moment of her humiliation.
Not so. He had been intrigued to get to know the young captain who was obviously regarded highly by the human admirals, especially Admiral Paris of all people. Why did this obviously intelligent woman choose to ignore so many tactical protocols? When he was assigned to her ship as tactical officer, he was pleased to be able to help shape her into a competent officer Starfleet could be proud of.
Kathryn smiled at his obvious exasperation at her during the first months of their first mission.
Whereas she had revised her first impression of him and had come to trust and rely on him, his calm manner rubbing off on her, Tuvok had started to despair. She had no idea that he had thought her obstinate, annoying, and simply impossible. He deemed her as emotionally erratic and he was never sure whether she was teasing him. And she had been teasing him. All in good fun, of course, but he hadn't understood.
'I am sorry, Tuvok. I never wanted to make your assignment hard for you,' she said with sorrow.
'I know.' The reassurance in his voice made her relax. And then she felt his overlaying fondness as he looked back to their first meeting and first mission together. He was glad that they had met, that he had decided to stay by her side. Kathryn hummed in agreement. Yes, so was she.
There was more. His memories whirling around them, some slowed to a scene like on a holodeck, some she felt in passing. There was his regret that she had come after him and consequently been flung to the Delta Quadrant as well and his satisfaction to work with her once again. His worry, that she trusted too easily, especially the Maquis. And his… what? His jealousy? Kathryn was mystified. No, not jealousy. He had approved of her plan to make Chakotay her first officer. Tuvok had observed him for quite some time and knew that he was the right choice. He dared Chakotay to not only be a good first officer for the crew but for her. That he would see her emotional needs and help her through the difficult times that no doubt lay ahead of them, in a way that Tuvok, as a Vulcan, could not. No, it was not jealousy but fierce protectiveness he felt for her.
She felt his sorrow when he understood that he had disappointed her when he went behind her back to obtain the trajector technology of the Sikarians. He had wanted to spare her a moral dilemma and had added to her burden instead.
A little scene unfolded around them. They were in Sandrine's. Chakotay and B'Elanna were there, holding hands, Tom with a hand on Harry's shoulder, the Doctor hugging Kes. She saw herself, obviously unconscious, and Tuvok standing next to her. He placed his hand near her, not quite touching her, but an obvious gesture of comfort as the spatial distortion went through them…
There was his grief when he had to leave her, them, behind on the planet. The knowledge that he could not replace her as the captain, that he wouldn't be able to console the grieving crew as they would need it. The resolution to do his best to follow her orders and wishes. The gratitude that it was Commander Chakotay who was with her, who of all the crew of Voyager was the best suited to take care of her.
In fact, the Commander had exceeded his expectations. The command team complemented each other in a way Tuvok found quite fascinating. A scene, a typical day on the bridge appeared around them that they watched from Tuvok's station. Everybody was concentrating on their task, yet the atmosphere was relaxed and warm. Kathryn watched Chakotay and herself whispering to each other, laughing together, and teasing the crew, mainly Tom and Harry. They set the tone for the rest of the bridge crew. It was good and she soaked it up as much as she could, even though she felt a twinge in her heart. It seemed years ago since they traded banter around the bridge.
The Captain and the Commander also worked together perfectly in battle or other difficult situations being tuned to each other in a way Tuvok had seldom seen outside of matrimony. Kathryn blushed at his thoughts.
'There are other examples of well-matched officers,' she said silently.
'Yes, some,' Tuvok agreed. 'I was comforted by the knowledge that you would continue in your harmonic ways, that you would eventually give room to your obvious attraction to each other.'
She sighed. 'Tuvok, we didn't…'
'I know.' And she couldn't be sure, yet it was as if she felt a pinch of sadness from him.
She then felt his conflicting emotions when he wanted to honor her last orders even though he wanted to risk going to the Vidiians for a cure, especially when the crew asked for the same. Trying to find the right solution, he contemplated what she would have done and finally had his answer. He had never wanted command and he and the crew needed her and the Commander back where they belonged. So, he took the risk and went back for them, knowing that she would have done the same for him.
The pictures continued to swirl around them until one came to a stop. It showed Tuvok alone in his quarters. "Tactical officer's log, stardate 50518.6. I made a grave error today that could have had dire consequences for this ship. When Commander Chakotay's call came in that Captain Janeway had been badly injured and was in critical condition, I took it upon myself to personally accompany the Doctor to the planet where the Captain's shuttle had crashed, leaving Voyager without her three most high-ranking officers. Instead of going myself, I should have selected a suitable pilot. Maybe I have spent too much time among humans, but this is no excuse. I have let my concern for a friend override my logical judgment, which I cannot find acceptable. However, I am relieved that Captain Janeway has been pronounced physically fit and that my absence from the ship has not resulted in any negative repercussions."
Kathryn looked at him, startled. She had never realized that Tuvok had gone against protocol. Back then she had just been glad for his steadying presence, and she still was.
'Then I am glad as well,' Tuvok concluded.
Other memories and emotions pulled them along for some time. Over all, she felt his continued respect for her as his captain, his gratitude for their friendship. He was inexplicably proud of her achievements and sad to learn of her illness.
"Do you miss your family?" Her earlier question an echo in their minds. In response, the faces of his wife, his children, and grandchildren appeared around them, and she felt the bond of love that connected them to each other. One face, though, clearly didn't belong. It broke her concentration and connection to Tuvok.
She opened her eyes in Tuvok's real quarters, her face wet with tears. "Me?" she whispered. "But why?"
"I hadn't been quite truthful when I just said that I miss my family because one of my daughters had been here by my side these past years," he told her gravely and with such conviction that she couldn't help but believe him.
Kathryn hugged him impulsively. "Thank you, old friend. This gift truly is unique and I will treasure it forever," she rasped.