PROBLEMATIC
Chapter 10
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It was raining, that straight down kind of rain, no wind, just the rain tumbling down in big ploppy drops. It was a heavy, sustained downpour. But it didn't matter as we sat inside the car, the wipers swiping intermittently while we sipped our coffees in silence. It was my designated morning off. Dad had suggested a ride to Point Pleasant, our favourite place. It had been quite an eventful week and I sensed he wanted to talk about things.
After eating a maple pecan, still warm from the bakery, we sat quietly, just enjoying each other's company, sipping. Dad had his macchiato, while I had an extra frothy caramel latte, which was more like a cappuccino. It was divine. Sometimes words are not necessary. This was our special time together. On other occasions, we'd have an ice cream, or a milkshake. My father and I had a special connection, which I know he didn't have with Valerie. She was more like my mother. He understood my need for independence. I understood his need for quiet reflection, shared mutually with someone who understands.
"Just so you know, I had the divorce papers served to Helen, this morning."
I know he'd already moved out a couple of weeks earlier. He just packed up and told her he was leaving. I wasn't surprised.
He made a derisive snort.
"She didn't believe me, assuming I was going to another postal convention." He shrugged his shoulders. "I wanted you to know, from me, not from that wretched Burg Grapevine she is so fond of. I bet you can guess what her response was, once I repeated my intentions more firmly."
"You can't just leave me. What will the neighbours say? Why me?" I replied quickly in a whiny falsetto voice, mimicking my mother.
He chuckled as we bumped coffee cups. "Yup. Nailed it. Three from three."
It felt comfortable in the car, together, just sipping as we looked out over the beach to the ocean beyond. The passing storm was clearing as the plump rain-filled clouds headed inland, towards Trenton. The sun forced its way out from behind the remaining clouds, making everything glisten as the raindrops sparkled on the plants in the planter boxes and the bunting hanging across the boardwalk. Everything looked cleansed and refreshed. Trenton could use some of that. Cleansing and refreshing. But that would only be short lived. I sighed and Dad nudged me with a sneaky grin.
"Edna seems happy to have moved into your old apartment. She's had enough of Helen's pontificating and that constant whining and bitching. Being expected to back her up or participate in Helen's ridiculous matchmaking, was the last bunch of straws. Edna is now living her own life. She left the house a week after me, as you know. By the way, Rangeman did a remarkable job with painting and helping to refurnish her "new digs". Her new neighbours, although disappointed to have lost you, are happy to have someone like her with a bit of spirit. Installing the extra security for her apartment as well as the building was good for them all."
We both laughed. Yes, Grandma was very happy in her own space. Hell, don't I know how precious that is.
"I'm glad Grandma Mazur is happy and settled. The other residents are more her age. Rangeman chose that as one of their community projects in making their premises more secure, not just Grandma's apartment. From my own experiences with Morelli and others breaking in all the time, it was necessary. A group of them have organised a bus trip each week, picking up a few others along the way from the community centre. This week they are going to a Spring Festival in New Brunswick. She is looking forward to that."
"Honestly, I don't think Helen has figured it out yet. You know, denial. Helen is the Queen of Denial, as you know. Your mother still wants to find fault with everything you do. When she tried to blame the divorce on you I let her have it, telling her to look in the mirror to see the person to blame. That was the last row we had. Before she could start up again with her moaning, I left. Packing up the garage and all my worldly possessions and secret documentation was easily done in stages in the preceding weeks. Once again, the Rangeman crew were the muscle and made the transition quick and efficient. So, when I said I was leaving, I had already left, taking just the last few things which I had left just for appearances sake. The garage is orderly and neat. She thought I was just pottering in there. It still hasn't hit home yet. I'd give her a few more days before the reality sinks in."
Another moment for quiet contemplation. It was so satisfying. This is what we do, so pleasant and peaceful. Just chilling. Together.
"They're great guys, those Rangemen. Hard working and diligent, having my boxes all packed in the truck in less than an hour. Nobody would have been any the wiser. Helen, like all her friends, was out shopping."
We sipped quietly, watching the seagulls bathing themselves in the freshwater puddles, feathers all fluffed up before shaking them off, spraying all the water droplets around. Others were posturing and squawking with their necks craning up and down. It was easy to identify the dominant birds. The reflections in the other puddles were like mirrors showing the blue sky emerging from behind those disappearing stormy clouds. The rain storm was short and had passed, and moved on. Something we have been doing.
"But now, she has no idea what you do." He chuckled before adding, "or where you live. It's quite funny. No one is talking about you since there are no incidents involving you. Nothing in the newspaper reports. She seems quite lost. I think she still expects me to walk through the door for a six o'clock sit down dinner. Valerie said she still sets the table with my place setting at the ready, watching and waiting, while eyeing the door and the clock. Add to that, Edna no longer living there. It's curious how she denies what is obviously in front of her. She's almost at the negotiating stage with her denial. She has already been angry, but reverts back to denial. It's her safe place. It will take some time for her to move on. Edna pops in every couple of days, but less frequently now."
I looked at my father as he sighed.
"No regrets, Pumpkin. No regrets at all. Well, except that I should have done this earlier. I'm sorry."
I smiled as I gathered up our empties.
"Remarkably, even Valerie is keeping her distance. Her concern for the girls seeing the nasty side of their Grandma Helen is genuine. Albert's mother. Miriam, is delighted to be allowed to assist with the girls after school. Valerie has a part-time job now, at the local supermarket, just two days. On those days Miriam looks after baby Lisa. It seems that Valerie has finally woken up to Helen's divisive tactics, with her eyes now wide open. Miriam is loving the opportunity which she was actively and aggressively denied."
"I'm sure she is. Mum was always rather possessive over the care of the girls. I know she was worried about the Jewish influence over her Catholic granddaughters. I found out the hard way how bigoted she really was. Miriam was always gentle and caring whenever I saw her with the girls. I did notice that Mary Alice was most comfortable with Grandma Miriam. They call her Mimi. I love that, Mimi."
"You should have seen Helen's annoyance when Lisa called her Mimi, once she figured it out. At first Helen had no idea. Surprisingly, it was Angie who deflected Helen's suspicions with a request to make cookies. Valerie only allows Helen grandmother time while Valerie herself is present, or just for a visit. In other words, under supervision."
"I doubt that I will be able to make amends with Valerie anytime soon. There's been a lot of water under the bridge. That is a bridge she has to start building. If she does, I am prepared to meet her halfway. I feel for the girls, because I like being Aunt Stephanie."
Nodding, Dad added, "The girls have asked after you. They miss you, especially Mary Alice."
I smiled at that. There was hope.
"Even Albert seems less stressed. Evidently, he has found his forte and I am quite proud of him. He now works as a contract lawyer specialising in finance, for one of the leading firms in Trenton. Family law just wasn't his space. Small claims was also not very productive, nor conducive as a regular salary for a man with a young family. Tank gave him a recommendation and he fulfilled the requirements with flying colours."
"I bet that annoyed Mum, Albert being successful and Valerie working. Miriam spending more time with the girls must really infuriate her."
I don't recall seeing my father grinning so much. It was truly wonderful to see. He looked so relaxed.
"Too bad. It's her own fault. Valerie put her foot down, especially when she was criticised for working, even just for the two days. Valerie admitted she felt a pang of guilt, or something, knowing this was how your mother treated you, always with the censure and disapproval. In your absence, Valerie has become Helen's new target. Helen's drinking was another factor. Valerie gave her an ultimatum, saying, if she wanted to be part of her granddaughters' lives, she'd better clean up her act. I was quite proud of Valerie for asserting herself for a change. It was long overdue."
"That's refreshing to hear that Valerie is finally standing her ground, being her own person, not just a Helen clone."
He raised his eyebrows at me. I love my Dad.
"Are you still living with Uncle Joe?"
He grinned again. "Only for the first couple of days. I didn't want to outwear my welcome. It was never intended to be a long stay, more of a cover at the time. I have my own "digs". Have done all along. Even better, let me show you."
I was curious. He smiled as he started the car. Much to my surprise, it wasn't far at all, as he drove to the beach houses, stopping and parking in the driveway of the one we used to rent on the holidays so many years ago. He beamed at me, leading me inside with a proud, "Ta-dah!"
Omigosh! It looked so different from what I remember, especially with the modern kitchen. Looking around, I realised he lived here, permanently. It had been completely renovated and redecorated with neat uncluttered furnishings. There was a comfortable armchair, looking well-loved and worn in. The place now had a nice masculine ambience, with no frivolous decorations or fixtures. The photos of us as children, the girls, beach activities, fishing ventures, and some others with army buddies, confirmed that this was his home.
"You live here. This is your home, I can tell."
He smiled that lovely, rarely seen enigmatic smile of his.
"While you were extracting yourself from the clutches of the Burg, so did I. After we had a special guest speaker one night at the Lodge, a few months back, I realised I needed help. PTSD. I wasn't the only one. Since then I have been going to a therapist, and I have to admit, it was a difficult journey in the beginning, but I am beyond worrying what she thinks about this. I nearly made the mistake in telling her, but I knew there was no way she could even begin to understand. She would only twist it into some warped "psychiatric" drama, and all that, "What about me?" and "What would the neighbours say?" bullshit. It wasn't about her. Some of it was. She didn't need to know. Nor did the Burg! Can you imagine? I have come a long way and with the help of my therapist, and some group sessions, I have been able to move forward in the best way possible."
"That's wonderful. I am so proud of you for making that step in the first place."
"To be honest, you, Pumpkin, were my inspiration. Your resolve to move forward and away from that toxic environment, which is the foundation of the Burg, encouraged me. You gave me strength. There, too, I have no regrets. Remember, don't settle for less. You've taken life by the horns and made your own rules. I have always believed you needed to fly. I am so proud of you."
He ruffled my hair.
"Without your mother's knowledge, I bought this beach house, years ago, around the time you were still in high school. It was my healing place, like I'm sure you can understand. After my missions, I would come here, following the rather minimal debriefing, to decompress. I bought it for that reason, mainly. I wasn't ready to be home yet until I had purged the demons that still lingered."
He paused for a moment as some fleeting thoughts flashed across his face.
"In the early days it was difficult. Since then, the rules and guidelines for soldiers returning stateside has altered and improved significantly. It was a sad indictment of the failing system, that we lost some good men, too many men and women, by their own hands. Tragic. After Vietnam, many Vets were treated badly with barely any recognition of their sacrifices for our country. That was the politics of that era. I survived and came through because I had the support and camaraderie of good friends who understood. We supported each other. Nowadays, we look after our service men and women with respect, support and appreciation."
He paused for a moment before adding another surprise.
"I also have another one, a secluded cabin in the mountains, somewhere in Pennsylvania." His eyebrows bounced brightly with a hint of mischief. "It's my other hideaway, for true peace and tranquillity. Just over an hour's drive."
I looked at my father in wonder, and smiled.
"You sly fox! That is wonderful. I bet it overlooks a lake." The smile was all the answer I needed. The twinkle in his eye confirmed his highly regarded code name as Red Fox. He knew I knew. "You've been active for a long time, haven't you? Mum had no idea?"
"No, she didn't. You were the only one who suspected. Valerie was completely oblivious. I did actually work at the Post Office for some time, before buying the cab. Those Post Office conventions were my cover, and also my escape from her. There were times when I would use this place as a retreat, just to escape her whining. I needed it for my sanity. The therapist acknowledged how valuable and fortuitous that decision had been."
That was not surprising. I am happy my father has moved on. I was proud of him. After sitting on his balcony for a while, silently watching the ocean while listening to the ambient sounds of the sea, I reluctantly got up to go. He gave me a kiss on the temple and a special hug before driving me back to my new home. I was glad my father was in a good place, a place of his choosing. I swore not to share the details of where he lived with Valerie, and definitely not with my mother. That was not likely since I no longer have contact with her.
I had decided there was no point having it out with my mother. Part of me really wanted to set her straight. I didn't care for her opinions even when she tried to force feed them to me. I am done explaining. Part of the problem was I was barely able to get a word in edgeways. She won't listen to my perspective at all, since she interrupts anyway. She can't. It's not within her capacity to do so, it seems. I am content. I moved on with my life. I do not need her approval. I do not care what she thinks. I used to, but it makes no difference. Her toxicity has reached its use by date. There was no getting through to her. To be honest, she didn't want to know, mainly because it didn't match her plan. I disconnected from her clutches completely, mentally and physically, emotionally.
I am happy with my decisions. I have no regrets. But, just like my father admitted, I wish I had done this earlier.
Maybe I wasn't ready yet before. I allowed myself to get sucked in with the Burg mentality, to a degree.
Somehow, I'd allowed myself to be controlled by other people in my life. Had I enabled them? No. Not really. The coercion and bullying was deliberate and conniving, and at times relentless. I was just weak.
But I also have to admit to myself, that I lacked, not only the confidence, but the maturity, to make a complete break from that tenuous hold on my life and its direction. I reached that pivotal point where I took the driving seat and drove. Hard. That my father recognised it made me smile.
Yes, I did break the mould as far as what "good Burg girls" were supposed to aspire to, namely marriage and popping out babies. I drove a different path and was spurned for that. But the tentacles of that existence somehow held me in limbo for quite some time. I was a people pleaser. Escape sounded wonderful in every aspect. But how and at what cost?
Some of these allegedly "good" Burg girls made poor decisions and had no escape while under the microscope of the Burg Grapevine. Those girls also fed the gossipmongers. Without naming names, I am referring to the unwanted pregnancies, the extra marital affairs, with married men, or girls who hung out in bars and various dives, or with the bikie gangs and places like Stark Street, and then the working girls. My mother brushed over those misguided errant girls. Again, it was more about her status.
Financially, I wasn't ready, nor able, to make that transition, especially while I was just chasing skips for Vinnie. After EE Martin, I spent six months looking for work. Having EE Martin on my résumé went against me after all the FBI shit. That was why I was so desperate that I blackmailed my sleazy cousin into working for him.
Mentally I was still in denial, until I had a number of reality checks and epiphanies after things went to shit, or were too close for comfort with all those problematic things in my life. Until I made some dramatic changes, purging and eradicating the negative aspects out of my life, it would just go on like an endless loop of misery.
In analysing all the negative influences that impacted on me, the things and people who were problematic, one by one, I released their influence over me. Small steps. First the people. It was not just my mother and Morelli, but Lula as well, who were the three most noxious people. Angie Morelli and Bella Morelli were always lurking in the mix of things. Vinnie, Joyce, Dickie, and Terry were next in line. Then the whole shebang with stalkers and skips, needed a serious review. The TPD betting ring and let's not forget the Trenton Times and that pesky photographer, were also in my mental firing line. Although, with everyone having their mobile phones out, it could be any number of photographers who snapped a hapless shot of me. They made money from my misery. Assholes.
My approach to my job was a critical factor. Putting my safety and well-being first with a conscious effort, a proper plan of action, along with a reliable partner, ensured I was set up to succeed. Succeed I did. Not an overnight happening, but I worked diligently in the right direction to make it possible, made possible with my support network.
Having that financial and physical support made the difference. Eventually working full-time at Rangeman enabled that. Training enabled that. Living in an apartment on the fourth floor allowed my complete escape. In reality, having the support of genuine friends and family, my Rangeman family, was critical for my new existence and survival.
I wasn't about running away. Hell no. That was not the kind of escape I was seeking. Nor was I hiding. Reinventing myself was probably closer. Being able to accomplish these things without the dreadful revolving door that was my old apartment was a vital factor. Reviewing my contact list on my phone was essential. Pressing that delete button was very uplifting in a very satisfying way. It was like taking out the trash. Out with the old phone and in with a new number, only for those friends who were important to me.
Training. Why? To improve myself. For me, not to please anyone, not Ranger, not Morelli, certainly not my mother, but me. I don't recall Morelli ever offering training, only criticism or some lame, shallow offers to marry him without any genuine commitment. Anyway, he's already out of the picture. I had nothing to prove to him. I didn't care for his opinion, despite his incessant need to tell me. Like that scenario at the gas station when I was homeward bound from my wonderful morning at the Spring Festival. Lester and Cal were there to assist but let the idiot make an ass of himself.
Coincidentally, Morelli was found guilty on all charges. My cousin Eddie Gazarra shared those juicy details with me. Lieutenant Donna Benson made a detailed report to the TPD where he was suspended while an internal investigation was conducted. In short, he was demoted, fined, and subsequently fired after he repeatedly refused to abide by the orders to attend anger management and community service. As a civilian he had to find employment elsewhere, so he moved interstate. Ironically, he is working security for a construction company. His role as mall security was short lived apparently. Why? Don't care.
Ranger wanted to keep me safe. He protected me from the very beginning simply by letting the hood know that I was "Ranger's woman". Looking back, I smiled at his comment about Professor Higgins and Eliza do Trenton, while he gave me a crash course in Bounty Hunting 101, where no vehicles went to car heaven.
Lately, while Ranger was in the wind, I enjoyed working with a reliable partner. There was so much to learn. They made it fun but it was challenging. To become a full-time member of Rangeman, I had to attain proficiency in a number of compulsory areas. Even though I wasn't military trained, they modified some aspects of my training. But I surprised them with my gun range skills. It makes me smile thinking about it every time.
"Come on guys. My father is in the military as you know. He made sure I was proficient with a weapon. Hector added knife skills to my repertoire. Just because I hate my gun, you assumed it was because I was scared of it." I winked at Ram since he was the first to have his expectations literally shot to pieces.
A fresh perspective and a new mindset brings opportunities and motivation to improve. It also made me feel good about myself which gave me confidence with each step.
Having purged the problematic issues, I now count my blessings with the constants in my life who encouraged and enabled me to flourish with my new life plans.
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