PROBLEMATIC
Chapter 11
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Constants. We all need them. They keep us grounded while helping us move forward. I realised how blessed I was with the constants in my life. Knowing I wasn't alone, that I had their support, enabled me to maintain my focus on my new life goals. Not all at once, but small steps, piece by piece, always moving forward. So, okay, I made a couple of slip ups but I learned from them. By approaching this decision and those problems gradually, piece by piece, as I said, I was also giving myself permission to move on. Eradicating that self-doubt was a big factor. Eradicating the problematic aspects was very cleansing.
I made the choice. The decision to make those changes was mine, and I owned them. With the guidance and support of my true friends, I was able to work towards my new goals and principles. I did it to improve me. I realised things were going to stay the same if I didn't stick to my decisions. To be honest, I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. My life had already reached rock bottom, so the only way was up.
Being the strong silent type, my Dad was my biggest supporter, he was my silent cheerleader. We understood each other. He understood my need to fly and encouraged that, which, in contrast, was actively quashed by my mother. We had our secrets. He had his secrets, and those which I knew I kept from her. We were also very sneaky. She never knew about the times we went out of Trenton, together, in his cab, to a property belonging to one of his army buddies. Sometimes Dad would take me to a gun range to practise. Mostly, we went to the property, where we'd ride horses, go fishing and shoot at targets. Sometimes it was a line up of cans, never bottles because of the mess with glass. They'd be set up on a log, or that special stand his buddy had especially designed for that purpose. We played different strategies and played our own versions of Quickdraw. With the knowledge that mum had no idea made the subterfuge all the more exciting, and tantalising. How do you think I was able to shoot Jimmy Alpha five times through the heart from within my handbag? Luck had nothing to do with it. It was skill, pure skill which was our best kept secret. Defensive driving was another skill my Dad taught me. Ask Joe. He knows.
Grandma Mazur nearly blew it. Her desire to outdo the ladies at the Clip 'n Curl and wherever else, with the latest gossip, details about me and those incidents, was beyond overkill. It was quite a different obsession from my mother's need for maintaining Burg Bitch superiority, and martyrdom. Grandma was all about sensationalism, just like the newspapers. She wanted to feed that evil monster and got carried away. When I asked her why, she couldn't really say, just that she liked the competition. Life was dull at her age and I provided excitement. She was living vicariously through my experiences and mishaps. I said she was like a cross between mum and Lula. She liked Lula. I set her straight on Lula, and told her how disappointed I was, and hurt. I walked away from her. She had been my saviour for so many years and then she started with all that crap. I made her cry. I had to give her an ultimatum. I was serious. My life was not a spectacle and I didn't want it advertised in that way. The choice was hers. Grandma chose well. I was thankful because I loved her. Grandma was one of those constants in my life. She, like my Dad, was so important to me in keeping my focus.
My eye is on the prize. What is the prize? Finding me and living my own life.
After a wonderful catch up with Mary Lou, a special spa day, which I gifted to her as a belated birthday present, I got the download. She related the significant changes in the Burg about the Morellis, especially Angie and Bella. I already knew about Joe's decline and subsequent disappearance from the Burg scene. For a change, he was being castigated by the Burg, the TPD, and the Trenton Times. The power and influence that Angie Morelli had with her mother-in-law swiftly disappeared because of his stupidity since the day he was bested and arrested by Lieutenant Donna Benson. Every mishap since his arrest was closely covered by the media.
Apparently, it was while expressing her disenchantment that Bella had a stroke, in cursing her not-so-precious-any-more Joey. Her eye had drooped, as had half her face, making her look even more grotesque. Her hands now have restricted movement, and, she drools. Angie couldn't disguise the bibs to catch her drooling. It was quite sad to see. But no one felt any pity for her. With Bella being in a wheelchair, it made life even more difficult for Angie. Every time she caught someone staring, Bella tried her Malocchio. Sadly, her hands did not cooperate with her intended actions. The resulting mockery and derision from the Burg women who no longer feared her, which she did not enjoy, agitated her even more. Her speech was garbled and mostly incoherent, more Italian-ish than English. She tried to show her anger in other ways, but only knocked a packet of cereal from the nearest shelf in a pathetic display of staggered rage.
Carl, Eddie, Robin and Big Dog have my back at the TPD. The Chief has put the screws on the Morelli fan club, with a number of younger recruits being put on extra desk work. Officer Gaspick was also demoted for disreputable practices in cahoots with Morelli.
Eddie Gazarra told me about Helen, as observed by his wife Shirley, Shirley the Whiner. Shirley is my cousin who still has a pulse on the Burg. The new wave of Burg Bitches has ditched the awful trio of Helen, Angie and Bella, blatantly and boldly knocking them down from their imperious perches. For a while there was a sense of peace in the Burg while the constant need to watch your back eased up. With it came a perceptible sigh of relief that echoed through the Burg. Most of the gossip ran wildly about Morelli, the Morelli women, and Helen. Those women of the same era were keeping a low profile and just getting on with their lives, relieved to be free from judgment for a while. Church was a lot more relaxed with sermons reflecting the community's needs for peace, calm and kindness. No more fire and brimstone sermons as approved and dictated by Angie. Pastor Nelson was relieved to have control of his sermons and the parish seemed to be settling down. He was no longer under the watchful eye of Angie and Bella, with Helen, in the front row.
It seems that Helen, Angie and Bella no longer sit together either, and certainly no longer in the conspicuous front row. Bella, who had become an annoyingly malicious distraction with her pathetic attempts to frighten other parishioners, lately appears to have calmed down. They sit at the back. Bella was now quiet and apparently acquiescent. When Bella dropped her rosary, Shirley kindly picked it up for her, instantly noticing how she reeked of weed when an unladylike belch erupted from her, which made the nearby children chuckle. The old witch lady belching was a delight to their humour. Marijuana is supposed to help with pain management. Well, it is legal in New Jersey. But her rheumy eyes still held a wicked gleam, even though she was clearly spaced out. Shirley noted that Bella Morelli seemed happy, even as a long, slow drool of saliva dangled from the corner of her mouth as she leaned to the side of her wheelchair where her rosary beads had dropped. She winked at Shirley. The lights are still on.
Social media has become the stronger mode of communication for the younger generation. The Karen's are being revealed with the everlasting question of AITA? The Burg has taken a new turn, down a different toxic alley, leaving the original Bitter Bitches of the Burg flailing and out of contention. Helen, having lost her power and influence was now just an old woman in the hood. According to Shirley, Helen has been taking in ironing as a part-time job. They deliver and collect. Because she still gets up early, the benefit is mutual. Ironing keeps her sane.
Catching up with Connie for lunch was the most illuminating and memorable time. Damn! It took her a few moments to compose herself before she could begin. We waited for our coffees, and a basket of French fries with a selection of dipping sauces. Between giggles and snort laughing, Connie finally got it together, taking a deep breath.
"Damn girl. You have missed some unbelievable action. A lot has happened since I saw you last. You'd better brace yourself. So." She paused, for effect. "Two weeks ago, like usual, I was sitting at my computer, as I do every morning, searching the court records to see which skips hadn't appeared in court for their designated date the previous day. Unexpectedly, Lucille walks in, putting her fingers to her lips to silence me, with a wink. I wondered what that was all about. She made the zip your lips sign, shaking her head as she indicated Vinnie's closed office door."
Oh shit. My mind flew through a myriad of scenarios but never what Connie was about to reveal. I clamped my hand over my mouth. Connie nodded, knowing exactly where and what my thoughts had ventured and considered.
"From her handbag, Lucille pulled out one of those bug detecting gizmos and proceeded to check around my desk. I growled when she located two bugs from underneath my desk, and then a third on the side of the Naugahyde couch, near the back, disguised as one of those upholstery pins. She disposed of them quickly with a short sharp rap of the hammer that suddenly emerged from her handbag! First the bug detector gizmo, then the hammer! She was a woman on a mission. Oh, Steph, the look of glee as Lucille indicated the well-hidden ceiling camera, aimed directly at Vinnie's office door. I had no idea it was there. Then, oh my Lord, she opened her phone, setting it to video feed."
This was followed by snort laughing and a coughing fit. She sipped some water and held my hand as if to brace herself.
"Just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder, out comes a stun gun! Her phone showed the video feed. She waved to the camera and I saw her waving back. I don't even know when that was installed."
By this stage I was sitting on the edge of my seat. Oh yes. I knew Hector and Ram did a quick installation while both Connie and Vinnie were out of the office, a couple of weeks ago. Connie was probably at the courthouse covering for Vinnie who was wherever else he lurked, probably embroiled in a poker match, or the racing track, or playing hide the salami. I shuddered.
Connie choked on the last of her coffee, then dipped some fries in the sweet chilli sauce. There was more to come, I knew, especially with that stun gun. What was that all about? I waited with bated breath for her to calm down as I dipped some fries in the sour cream.
"Okay. Lucille was in no hurry, just biding her time for the right moment. Thank God Vinnie's office is soundproof, almost. Sure enough, the tempo within changed, which was her cue."
Sniggering, Connie took a sip of water. "On the video feed she showed Vinnie arriving through the back entrance, as he usually does, fast forward and there was Joyce, five minutes later. I heard him but not Joyce. I assumed he was in the storage room stowing something, like an item for a collateral down payment. Last week it was a Harley Davidson, with the full kit, matching leather jackets, gloves, boots and personalised helmets. Besides I was busy on the phone with a hysterical client this time. I was distracted, but usually he would hand me the receipt for the items of collateral."
My heart was racing, wondering how Lucille was going to react. I grabbed another handful of fries enjoying the salty goodness.
"I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen Lucille," Connie said. "Cool as a cucumber, Lucille opened the door with her key, since it was locked, and bravely entered that den of iniquity. There was sound. Grunting and moaning. Gross. Two distinct photo clicks later…
"Hello Vincent," she said in a perky voice. I heard him gasp. Then in a more sinister voice, she added, "I see you are a bit busy. Not a good time?" This last bit was said in a sing-song voice. In the meantime, Joyce was screeching for him to finish the job!"
"Oh. Hello. Nice to see you, too. Not! What a surprise. You must be that whore bitch Joyce."
"Omigod, Steph. That was so scary. So bizarre. Lucille was the shit! She just kept her cool. I have a whole new respect for her. There was that distinctive crackle of the stun gun which silenced any responses, after the initial squeal from Vinnie, followed by the pathetic squeak from Joyce. Suffice to say, he didn't finish the job!"
Snort laughing became hysterical laughter. I couldn't help myself. Connie's giggles and snorts were infectious.
"Lucille had that powerful look of satisfaction as she closed, and locked the door before sitting on the couch. Her arms were folded, her foot swinging in anger as you do, when who should stroll in?"
"Lula?" I asked tentatively. Oh no. Both my hands clasped my mouth. Connie's eyes went wide with glee, nodding her head.
"Vinnie in?" Lula asked, without even a sideways glance, completely ignoring Lucille. Omigod. Lucille's face lit up like a kid on Christmas morning as Lula walked in. She raised her eyebrows in wicked delight as she primed her camera, and the stun gun, giving Lula a moment to get… situated. Yes, Lula also had a key to unlock his office. Honestly Steph, I was just about wetting myself."
This was like watching a car crash, but listening, I couldn't believe my ears. Connie was beside herself as she was poised to add the next episode. Sniggers slipped out as she tried to stifle another snort.
"I waited and heard Lula pout. "Damnit! You started without me," in a muffled voice. "Move over bitch. It's my turn. What the fuck!? Who invited you to our party? Eep!" That was when Lucille zapped her. And just for good measure, she zapped Joyce again."
Omigod! Lucille is the shit! I never knew she was so gutsy. Connie got the giggles again.
"As she came out, I dared to peek inside as she backed out, taking a final photo of the gross threesome. Omigod. Not a pretty sight! Nothing I haven't seen before, but what a mess. Lula had already bared it all in a flash, except for her disappearing dental floss thong. Vinnie was just coming to, his eyes still groggy and glazed, but clarity hit hard when he saw Lucille with her stun gun primed. "By the way, Daddy will be on his way… soon," she told him firmly. Zap! She nailed him right where it hurts, in his crown jewels. He screamed. Then all was quiet. You know what they say? Huh? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
My mouth was wide open, aghast. Actually, I was shocked that Lucille would be that much in control. Empowered I reckon. Yeah, a woman scorned and all that. We ate some more of the fries while they were nice a hot and crispy golden, just as I like them.
While pointing a particularly long French fry at me, Connie continued. "Lucille just grinned at me. "Bastard had that coming. Thinks I didn't know," as she pointed to the hidden ceiling camera. "I trusted him. I was too excited to wait until he got home to tell him the exciting news."
My eyes went wide. "Jeez," I said. "It had better be a baby girl, for Lucille's sake. I know she was keen to have a baby. She was already contemplating IVF. But I don't think she really knew about his sexual escapades. Hell. I hope she made him wear protection. Someone needs to tell her to get tested. Who knows where else those two bitch whores have been! Vinnie is not discriminatory either."
Connie nodded. Uh oh. There was more to come.
"Then she was on her phone. "Hi Daddy. Clean up in Aisle 3. Stat! Vinnie has been a bad boy. Plus, two whores!" She obviously sent that last photo to prepare him. Remind me not to cross Lucille Plum. She meant business. But, damn! I liked her style. She calmly grabbed the hand sanitiser and wiped her hands, her phone and the stun gun, all the while grinning at me. I tell you Steph, that apple did not fall far from the tree!"
We laughed at that cool, recovery. I reckon Connie must have needed some brain bleach after seeing that sight in Vinnie's office. TMI!
"Five minutes later, Harry the Hammer and three of his goons arrived through the back door. He hugs Lucille, who is now crying. "Are you alright, Baby Girl?" She nodded, winking at me. Omigod. She was more angry than upset, but that will come, later."
"Connie, take the afternoon off, while we clean up this clusterfuck of a mess. I will lock up." Harry said, and that was it."
"Yessir." I closed off my computer and locked it in the safe with the cheques and receipts."
"Lucille went home with one of Harry's goons driving her. Before I left, Harry said he'd like to talk to me tomorrow and discuss a business proposition. I was intrigued to see what he had to offer."
We both reeled in a fit of giggles, with tears in our eyes. I needed that. So therapeutic. Three in one go. Vinnie, Joyce and Lula. Priceless.
"Oh my God. What a hideous sight that would have been. First Joyce. Then Lula. Harry and his goons would have taken that in their stride quite easily. They probably see a lot worse. But, can you imagine the hysterics with both Joyce, and Lula, while taking out the trash? Neither wearing much. Harry would not give a shit. Vinnie is a dead man walking."
We ordered a side of nachos with a celebratory margarita, making a toast to Lucille.
Connie continued. Could it get any better?
"Next day, Harry sends a car for me, with Lucille, to have an extravagant lunch at a classy restaurant. After coffee and dessert, he cut straight to the chase, offering me the Bondsman title, with my very own receptionist. After giving it due consideration, I politely declined, saying how much I appreciated it. I admitted that I really was thinking of quitting, citing Vinnie and all his shit as part of the issue, especially some of the crazy bonds he wrote. We both know that was partly to cover his gambling debts. The fact that I haven't had a holiday in well over three years didn't go astray. Not to be discouraged, Harry sweetened the deal. So now, I am going to Florida and a cruise to the Caribbean, all expenses paid. Harry will manage the Bonds Office while Lucille and I relax. We leave next Tuesday."
"Wow. That was a great outcome. I don't recall you taking a holiday since I started working in apprehension. Ever."
"According to news from the hood, initially we hadn't seen Lula or Joyce. Now there are confirmed sightings of Lula back on Stark. Of course, her corner has a new working girl. Joyce had to go to divorce court. She has also been seen on Stark. Hubby number four did not like the photos and all the other overwhelming evidence of her extra-curricular activities. Not a big payout this time for Joyce. She lost her luxury cars and most of her acquired belongings. The prenup was explicit about assets. Obviously, she was complacent in not reading the fine print."
"Oh, Connie. Such great news. So, what about Vinnie?"
"Yeah. Good question. He wasn't seen for a while. Apparently, he was in hospital for a few days. A stun gun to his precious exposed crown jewels caused irreparable damage. Rumour has it that he had to have an orchiectomy – surgical removal of his testicles!"
I gasped at that. "Yes. A stun gun making direct bare skin contact is likely to do permanent damage in such a delicate area. They must have been fried! Lucille went for a direct hit. However, he's not pressing any charges."
"Sadly, a week later, Lucille miscarried. In hindsight, that might be a good thing. In the meantime, Harry had arranged with Joyce's ex hubby number four, who was a judge, to expedite a divorce for Lucille. For all I knew, Vinnie was having fittings for concrete shoes."
"Yikes," I said with a gulp. "You don't mess with Harry the Hammer at the best of times. Messing with his daughter, his precious baby girl, Lucille, now that enters an entirely new territory! Denying Harry the opportunity to become a grandfather would likely mean certain death."
Yikes. "Harry the Hammer's reputation is legendary. No one messes with him." Connie's remark reflected my thoughts exactly.
"As it turned out, yesterday Vinnie was back from the brink of death, not walking too well since he was in a wheelchair. I've heard that Harry is fond of baseball bats. Vinnie has a substantial amount of debts to pay off."
"Yeah. Surprising that. Not. Is there a saying about the scorn of a prospective grandfather denied, I wonder?" I remarked, with Connie smirking. "Mob law sets its own boundaries I suppose."
"Holy shit! What a sight Vinnie was, a completely broken man. A couple of black eyes and some other injuries are evident. I'm sure his kidneys are more than just bruised. I reckon he's pissing blood. Of course, Lucille has kicked him out. His precious Cadillac Seville was sold as his first down payment, along with all of his gold jewellery. Harry has Vinnie collected each day for work, keeping a close eye on him. No way is he allowing him to recover at home, so he's working his ass off. Apparently, Vinnie is living in one of Harry's on-site apartments, again not as a care factor. He's under guard 24/7. Harry is going to manage the Bonds at the courts, since that's what he did in the early days. He has delegated Vinnie on reception, mostly to keep a watchful eye on him, you know, like on a tight leash. He owns him. I also get a pay rise, so I promised I would be back. No way do I want to end up working for my family! There are not many options out there."
"Wow. That's a win-win for you, Connie. You know, you should consider the Bondsman role. You're doing it already. Imagine telling Vinnie, your new receptionist, that you'll be at the courthouse. He's tied to his desk."
"Something to think about. Holiday first," Connie pondered. "By the way, Harry asked for my recommendations for an office makeover. By the time we come back, the office will be completely renovated."
After another margarita we discussed her holiday plans before saying goodbye and Bon Voyage. I chuckled in awe all the way home. How did I not hear about any of this?
Having my constants was so valuable in enabling me to grow stronger in my journey forwards.
But, there's more.
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