Before I get to the preamble of this posted chapter, I have to say, thanks for the positive feedback for One Flew into the Cuckoos' Nest. Once I've written enough chapters, I'll post it as a full story. I've managed three so far, and hope to do at least four or five before posting. Anyway, onto this first chapter of Kakistocracy.
This is me revisiting my attempt at doing a crossover with Homestuck. I had been struggling to do this for a while, until whitetigerwolf posted an (originally) unrelated challenge. 'Internet Buddies' was meant to be a Sekirei crossover challenge where Harry befriended Matsu over the internet, only to Apparate to her by accident in a moment of danger. The challenge intrigued me mildly, and then, BLACK FLAME09 pointed out that the challenge could be applied, really, to many other fandoms. And that's when the moment of inspiration got to me. whitetigerwolf allowed me to use the basis of 'Internet Buddies' for a new Homestuck crossover.
This will take many elements not only from my previous attempt, Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire, but also an earlier iteration of another Homestuck crossover I began with the same title as this story. Aside from the 'Internet Buddies' challenge, it also uses the 'Adopted Alien' challenge, also by whitetigerwolf, as you will see. And, as with Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire, this is a heavy AU to Homestuck for various reasons. The Troll characters are recognisably those from the comic, and many elements are the same, but the backstory of Alternia is very different, and SBURB, SGRUB, etc don't exist. Alternia is just a crappy world because it is, not due to external influences. John, Dave, Rose and Jade won't be appearing in the story, and are, presumably, living relatively normal lives.
Also, Harry and those in his year, along with the Trolls, have been aged up to 16. Oh, and the title was something I stumbled across on Wiktionary, meaning a government staffed by the most incompetent and unsuitable people for the role. Says a lot about Magical Britain, doesn't it?
Anyway, enjoy.
KAKISTOCRACY
CHAPTER 1:
THE TROLL WHO LIVED
Harry Potter had once heard of the comparison between certain people and toadstools: namely fed bullshit and kept in the dark. At this point of time, he could sympathise with the toadstools, because that's what situation he was in. His sixteenth birthday had gone unremarked upon by his so-called relatives (for better or for worse), he had received little to none mail correspondence from his friends up to this point, and the only thing that stopped him from throwing out the Honeydukes chocolates he had been sent by them as birthday gifts was chatting with Hermione over the internet. And over a computer the Dursleys never realised he had…as it was his glasses.
You see, long before he had received the Hogwarts letter, Harry had some inkling of the fact that he could do magic, or something similar. In fact, he had this device, which he somehow knew was called a 'Captchalogue', which acted almost like, in retrospect, one of those inventory things from a video game. He could store things in what had to be a pocket dimension based on cards with pictures on them. In fact, he'd had a habit of storing things on them, including his Hogwarts things.
The glasses were, well, like a telepathic laptop. He only had to think, and he could surf the internet and go into chatrooms. Ever since the end of second year, he had been keeping in touch with Hermione via email and chat…and then, he discovered a weird chat program called Trollian. He and Hermione had gone on that after the end of their third year (Harry sending a copy of the program to Hermione's laptop), only to be confronted…well, by trolls. Well, at least at first. But over time, Harry had gotten used to them. Well, some of them.
He was currently walking through a park while chatting via Trollian. His best friend on that went by the name of gallowsCalibrator, or 'GC' for short. Harry had somehow been able to log in via a name called crazedCoatlscience, or CC. But he also considered a few others to be friends, like carcinoGeneticist, or CG, arsenicCatnip, or AC, though it took some time for the former, and the latter was a bit strange. Oh, and there was adiosToreador, or AT, and apocalypseArisen or AA, or cuttlefishCuller or the other CC (though when Harry began chatting, she called herself CCF, the 'F' standing for fuchsia for some reason).
TROLLIAN CHATLOG
crazedCoatlscience [CC] has started trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] and carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: AND THAT IS WHY YOUR THINKPAN IS TERMINALLY BROKEN.
GC: PUT 4 SOCK 1N 1T, K4RK4T.
GC: OH! H3LLO H4RRY!
CC: ISSIAUTNG(1)
CC: Hey, Terezi. Trouble in paradise?
GC: NO, JUST K4RK4T B31NG STROPPY. :P
CG: FUCK YOU AND THE HOOFBEAST YOU RODE IN ON, TEREZI!
GC: NO TH4NKS, K4RK4T. TH4T WOULD B3 B3ST14L1TY. :P
CG: YOU THINK YOU'RE SO BLOODY CLEVER?
GC: 1 DON'T TH1NK 1 4M CL3V3R, K4RK4T. 1 KNOW 1 4M.
GC: YOU H4V3 TO B3 CL3V3R TO STUDY L4W.
CC: Am I interrupting anything?
GC: NOTH1NG OF 1MPORT4NC3, H4RRY.
CG: NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE?! NOW LISTEN TO THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY CHUTE!
CC: Nice to talk to you too, Karkat.
CG: …FUCKING WHATEVER. HEY, HARRY, GOOD TO MEET YOU, BLAH BLAH BLAH. OH WELL, JUST AS WELL. TALKING TO THESE…DINGUSES? DINGII? WHAT'S THE PLURAL OF A DINGUS?
CC: Umm, I dunno. But maybe Hermione could tell me what the collective noun is.
CC: Well, when she's able to chat with me again. Recently, she stopped chatting.
CC: Long story.
CC: I could make a guess. A clod of dinguses?
CG: …I GUESS THAT WORKS. TALKING TO THIS CLOD OF DINGUSES IS ROTTING MY THINKPAN MORE THAN SOPOR SLIME ROTS GAMZEE'S.
(Harry frowned. It had gotten to the point where he had actually given out his actual name to these mysterious chatters, although that was partially because they used their own. He wondered where they were. Certainly the terms they used were odd.)
GC: Y34H, BUT YOUR TH1NKP4N ROTS 34S1LY, K4RK4T.
GC: PLUS, 4LL TH4T SW34R1NG C4N'T B3 GOOD FOR 1T. :]
CG: STFU AND GTFO
GC: OOH, SC4TH1NG. :P
apocalypseArisen [AA] has joined the chat.
AA: 0h, harry, hell0. i didn't expect y0u t0 be here.
CC: Hey, Aradia. How's your little dig going?
AA: fairly well, with s0llux's help. we haven't f0und much yet, th0ugh. is hermi0ne still ar0und? i have tried c0ntacting her myself, but she isn't resp0nding. i miss her, frankly.
CC: Long story.
(Aradia was one of the few on this chatroom Hermione got along with, and was one of the few who tried to email Hermione.)
CG: YEAH, YEAH, YOU SAY THAT ALL THE TIME, HARRY.
CG: IT'S GOTTEN BEYOND THE POINT WHERE IT'S MERELY AGGRAVATING, AND STARTING TO GET TO THE POINT OF PISSING ME OFF.
CG: WE'RE TALKING PUSHING BOUNDARIES HERE.
CC: HEY, I TRIED TO COME ON HERE TO CHAT WITH YOU GUYS, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO!
CC: INSTEAD, WE'VE GOT YOU ABUSING THE CAPSLOCK LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!
CC: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END?!
CG: LIKE SOMEONE'S STEALING MY BLOODY SCHTICK.
(Harry snarled quietly in annoyance. Karkat lived to press buttons, even when he didn't mean to. The only reason why Harry put up with him was, when Karkat calmed down, he could at least be nice. He was just a sullen little SOB at times. That was why, when he got annoyed, Harry used all-caps himself.)
CC: BOOHOO, NUBS.
CC: ANYWAY, WHY DOES TEREZI CALL YOU THAT ANYWAY?!
GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4S NUBBY L1TTL3 HORNS.
GC: W3 TOLD YOU TH1S.
AA: d0n't y0u have h0rns, harry?
CC: What? No, Aradia. Seriously, why do you guys keep asking me this?
CC: It's weird.
CC: Wait, why the hell is it getting cold?
CC: …Oh shit…oh shit oh shit OH SHIT OH SHIT!
CC: GTG, BRB, MM(2)!
crazedCoatlscience [CC] has ceased trolling.
CG: …WHAT'S EATING HIM? JEGUS, I HOPE THAT ISN'T LITERAL. OR AT LEAST I HOPE HE GIVES WHATEVER IT IS FOOD POISONING.
AA: i d0n't kn0w. it sounded seri0us.
AA: and i h0pe s0mething isn't eating him.
AA: d0 y0u think he was right? that he d0esn't have h0rns?
GC: W3LL, 31TH3R H3'S 4N 4L13N WHO SOM3HOW FOUND 4POLLO 4MDU4T(3)'S C4PTCH4LOGU3, OR…
GC: W3LL, 1 D1DN'T WANT TO D1G 4NY FURTH3R 1NTO TH3 CAS3. YOU KNOW HOW TH3 COND3SC3 IS WH3N SOM3BODY ROCKS TH3 BO4T…
The first bad sign was the cold. That was bad enough. The second bad sign, albeit unrelated, was that Dudley and his gang were coming up to him. The third bad sign was the sound of his mother screaming, and Voldemort snarling at her. The first and third bad signs were indicative of the presence of Dementors coming for him. The second was just compounding the issue.
He had to admit, he hated the Dursleys. Despite protesting to Dumbledore about his treatment at the Dursleys, Harry always was sent back here. It wasn't as bad as Azkaban, given Sirius' tales of it, but until he got his Hogwarts letter, he was treated little better than a House Elf, and it was only a little bit better since. He had his own bedroom, and the chores were reduced, as was the physical abuse, but that was about it. He was still the Dursleys' servant and verbal punching bag for too long in the year.
The Dementors started swooping on Dudley and the gang first. Harry tried to get his wand out to cast the Patronus, before a stab of pain jabbed through his head. He screamed out loud. The pain was bad, happening often around Dementors. And worse than that. They exacerbated his anger afterwards. He'd had some small anger problems for some time, but they had gotten worse after the incident involving Marge. That, and the nightmares that had plagued him.
It felt like something within him was trying to break free. Writhing against chains that had been there all his life. It felt like there were two knives being jabbed into his skull. Or, more accurately, like a pair of knives were breaking free from his skull.
He screamed again and again, the sounds of his pain creating a hideous chorus with the screams of his mother, the snarls of Voldemort, and the more real noises of Dudley and his gang making as they fought in vain against the Dementors, which, he realised, they couldn't even see. And even then, their noises trailed away into silence. A small but vocal part of him thought Good.
Suddenly, a dam broke. A blast of energy washed outwards from him, hitting the Dementors, the closest to him disintegrating. And as the flare of light vanished, the survivors noticed, much to their indignation, that Harry Potter had vanished. Their screeches of frustration echoed eerily throughout Little Whinging, striking terror into the hearts of all who heard those eldritch cries…
Through the darkened woods of another world entirely, a girl called Terezi Pyrope strode, rather pensively. Usually, she had a grin on her face, showing off a vast array of sharp teeth, but now, she was rather thoughtful, even worried.
She had to admit, she was worried about Harry. She had her suspicions about who Harry really was, that somehow, an alien had managed to find a means of joining Trollian. Personally, Terezi didn't mind. Harry seemed to need a friend, and Hermione, who had apparently been sent the program, seemed intelligent enough, though they kept things from her about whether they were alien or not. Then again, Aradia was the one who chatted with Hermione the most. It seemed that Sollux had some competition in being Aradia's Matesprit. Or maybe Hermione was just friends.
Aliens had different notions of friendship and romance to Trolls, Terezi knew. Before he mysteriously disappeared while on an expedition offworld, the heretic scientist Apollo Amduat had left a manifesto online, something Terezi, along with a few of her friends had read. She had to admit, as much as she wanted to join the Legislacerators, Amduat had a point. Troll society was fucked up, though their ideas of romance were not. Of course, with the Condesce in charge of Alternia, things were unlikely to change any time soon.
As she walked, Terezi savoured the smells and sounds of the forest where she made her home. For that was the thing, you see: Terezi Pyrope was blind. This had been thanks to revenge by Vriska Serket after she lost her arm after Terezi sent a package that drove Vriska's Lusus (a monstrous beast that acted as the guardian of a Troll as they grew up) mad, in revenge for Tavros' crippling. But Terezi had been trained by her own Lusus in how to make her way with sight and smell and hearing. Oh, and taste. She loved licking something to check the colours, her favourite colour of all being candy red.
Ah. She could smell something interesting and exciting in the air, like ozone. She wondered, what exactly was that?
She soon got her answer. There was a sudden thud onto the ground in front of her. It sounded like a body hitting the undergrowth. After a moment, she reached, and felt the body. Hmm, rather warm skin. She was definitely feeling a face, though it was a bit too warm, and where were the horns? Still, it was still alive, whatever it was. Seemed like a warm Troll without horns.
She sniffed. Was that blood she could smell? She licked his face, and blinked her sightless eyes. Was that red blood? But…there was no such blood colour. Trolls had a haemospectrum, a form of hierarchy based on blood colour, which determined a certain amount of psychic dominance over lesser castes. Terezi had teal blood, which put her fairly high up, though Equius and Eridan were the only ones who really cared about the haemospectrum in their circle of…friends, she guessed.
Then, she could taste something in the air. Something like…lemon sherbet. Or popping candy. And it seemed to be coming from the body in front of her. And then, something pungent filled the air, with the sound of screaming and ranting, like something Vriska would do when she was playing the villain in one of their FLARP sessions. When it died down, Terezi felt the body again, only to frown when she realised the skin had gotten cooler, and…there were horns now.
After a moment's consideration, Terezi, albeit with a little effort, picked the body up. "You're lucky you're a scrawny bugger," she muttered. "As it is, you still feel like a lead scarecrow…"
Pain. Everywhere was pain. As Harry came back to consciousness, he felt pain everywhere. Was this what life was like as a disembodied soul, trapped within the stomach of a Dementor? Being digested in the fetid bowels of those demons for all eternity?
Of course, when he opened his eyes, he found that notion sorely abused.
The room was a riot of colour. While the walls and floors themselves were dull colours, they had been livened up by decorations of various kinds. The rugs on the floor burned at his eyes like a bad acid trip, while there were childish scrawls of chalk on the walls. He saw one chalk drawing in particular, of a horned demonic figure seated at a lectern marked 'H1S HONOUR4BL3 TYR4NNY'. A computer sat on a nearby desk, and there were plushies of dragons with button eyes. He was seated on a beanbag or something similar, certainly with the same eye-burning riot of colour. Dumbledore would have loved the décor in this room.
It was the way that 'His Honourable Tyranny' was spelt that caught his eye most of all. He had seen that spelling before, being used by…
"Hey, you're awake!"
The voice was that of a girl, slightly nasal and a bit raspy, but a girl nonetheless. He resisted the urge to leap into the air and whirl to face her, instead turning slowly. And there she was, seated on another beanbag.
Harry couldn't help but stare. She looked like a slender girl about his age, dressed in black trousers and a black shirt, with said shirt having an astrological sign on it, specifically that of Libra, if he recalled correctly. She wore a pair of opaque red sunglasses, despite the fact that, as far as he could tell by looking out the window, it was night. She had quite a nice figure, actually, underneath the shirt.
But she certainly wasn't human. The grey skin was something of a giveaway. So too were the pair of short, twilight-coloured horns protruding from her forehead. And the mouth filled with sharp teeth, bordered by ink black lips.
"Umm, who are you?" Harry asked.
"Well, technically as a wannabe Legislacerator, I should be the one asking the questions. But, I'm in a kind of generous mood. I'm Terezi Pyrope. So, what's your name?"
"…Terezi?" Harry asked. "Is that really you? gallowsCalibrator?"
"Well, yeah, but I…hang on a moment. What's your name?"
After a moment, Harry admitted, "crazedCoatlscience. Or Harry Potter, if you prefer."
There was another rather more uncomfortable pause, and then, Terezi said, "You've got to be kidding me…and yet…I can't smell any deceit. And believe me, I'd know." She tapped her nose pointedly. "So…how the hell did you get here? Last time I was speaking to you, something had come up. You said something about being cold, and then you were swearing more than Karkat on a good day."
"Long story. But where am I? Are we still on Earth?"
Terezi seemed about to say something, before she reconsidered it with a sigh. "I should have known. Harry, is Earth your planet?"
"Well, yes, but…wait. Are we…are we on another world entirely?"
"Yep! Welcome to Alternia!" Terezi said with a grin. "Though maybe it should be more like, welcome back to Alternia!"
"…What?"
"Just a moment," Terezi said, hopping off the beanbag, and scrounging around in a nearby box. "I think I have one of my old mirrors. I don't really need one anymore. I'm blind, you see."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Then, Harry considered what she said, and then thought about what she had done so far. "But how did you…?"
"Harry, I can hear pretty damn well, I can smell things you can't, and taste, well…colours. Let's put it this way: my computer screen's covered in saliva."
Harry looked over at it, and noticed trails of what looked like snail tracks on the screen. "Ah. I see."
"Yep. AHA!" This exclamation was due to her pulling a mirror free, and she walked over to Harry and handed it over. Harry took it reluctantly (though he had to admire that she acted as if she could see properly), and looked into it, dreading what he would see.
The face was his. So was the messy mop of hair. His scar had faded somewhat, but was still visible, snaking out from beneath his fringe. And his eyes…well, the irises were still the emerald green from his mother.
And yet, his skin was grey. His sclera, the whites of his eyes, were now a light orange. And he had horns now. Bigger than Terezi's, like lightning bolts pointing out from his hair. Whatever he was, he wasn't human anymore.
"Sorry if this is bad news, Harry, but, well, whatever you were before, shortly after coming here, you became one of us. You're now a Troll. Or maybe you always were one…"
CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:
And on that bombshell, good night!
Okay, those who have read the sample chapters of Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire in The Cauldron will be pleased to note that I will be including elements from that. And don't worry, all will be explained soon.
Incidentally, I will be explaining terms used in Homestuck when necessary, mostly through exposition in the story itself.
Anyway, for those unfamiliar with Homestuck, each Troll has a distinctive typing style. Karkat uses caps for all his typing. Terezi replaces the letters 'A', 'I', and 'E' with '4', '1', and '3' respectively, both as a form of l33tspeek, as well as a reference to the '413' arc number that appears throughout Homestuck. Aradia doesn't bother with capitalisation (though here, she uses more punctuation than she does in canon), and replaces 'O' with '0'.
In addition, here's a term that haven't been explained, but needs explaining. A Captchalogue is a means of creating an inventory much like one in a video game. Harry has a very vanilla one that allows him to get what he wants or needs when he wants it, but there are a variety of ones used in Homestuck. The human Captchalogues are mostly based on computing data structures (John uses stacks, Dave uses hash maps, Rose uses trees, while Jade, instead of using data structures, uses variations on board game rules like Pictionary), while the Trolls have even weirder ones. Terezi, due to her blindness, uses 'scratch and sniff', believe it or not. Karkat, in the comic at least, uses an unwieldy encryption system. Aradia, due to being dead in the comic (it's complicated), uses an Ouija Board.
1. The Trolls each have their own way of posting in a chatroom, so I decided Harry would have his own greetings and farewells while spelling properly. This stands for 'I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good'.
2. 'MM' stands for 'Mischief Managed', of course. The others are standard internet/texting abbreviations that should be known.
3. Apollo Amduat was my Troll OC for Ofiuco Amduat and the Goblet of Fire. More on him and his nomenclature later.