Chapter 37- Kuklos 3
TW: panic attack, mention of physical and psychological abuse/sequestration, life-threatening situation
"I think he went into torpor, or he almost did..."
Kuroo shuddered as he touched his skin: it was icy cold.
"Keiji..."
"It's when all organ function slows down, like a deep hibernation."
Kuroo clasped his lover's wrist. The beats of his heart were nothing but a faint murmur.
"Alphas can die from it..."
His face was so pale now.
Tetsurō felt his heart ache painfully.
"It can be fatal, it could have killed him! I could have killed him, Tetsu!"
He felt his eyes fill with tears.
"No… Keiji."
He held him, trying to bring him back and warm him.
The brunet didn't react.
"Keiji… come back…"
He had to find a solution; he had to do something!
But what should he do exactly?
He stood up.
"Shit, shit, shit," he murmured to himself.
He forced himself to breathe deeply so that his heart rate wouldn't spike and he could stay at least somewhat lucid, but the effort only worsened his state. He had to warm him up; if his body temperature dropped any further, he would fall into a coma. He rushed into his bedroom and grabbed his blanket before returning to the hallway. He crouched in front of Keiji and wrapped him in the blanket. The brunet still didn't react, his gaze lost in the void.
If he couldn't move Keiji, Kenma wouldn't calm down, and if Kenma didn't, Keiji probably wouldn't come out of his torpor.
"Think, think, think, damn it!"
His own consciousness was starting to collapse, only panic and anxiety swirling in his head.
"Come on, Tetsu, do something!"
He stood up, headed towards the bathroom, and then turned back. He stopped in the living room, turning in circles, unable to make a rational decision.
"Think, damn it, think…"
His mind screamed all the tragic outcomes that could happen without offering any solution; the compression of his chest made him suffocate, and his heart beat so rapidly that he wanted to tear it out to silence it. He spun around, still searching for a solution. Before he could take another step, he collapsed, crushed by the weight of terror.
He crouched on the floor. Instinctively, he buried his head in his knees and wrapped his arms around his head, and began to rock back and forth, consumed by panic.
"Breathe, Tetsu, breathe," he murmured to himself. "It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, we'll find a solution… we'll find…"
He let out a distressed whimper but continued to control his breathing, repeating these words over and over.
"Okay, okay… get up, we'll find a solution, we'll find…"
His phone! He had to get help, he had to do something!
He managed to get up quickly, rushed into his bedroom, and dove to the floor to retrieve his phone. He finally found it and tried to unlock it: the screen remained black: out of battery.
"Shit, shit, shit!"
He threw his phone and ran out of the room, heading back to the living room.
"Okay, okay, it's going to be fine," he kept repeating.
He knew that Kōtarō and Keiji had left their phones here, but where? The entryway table! He rushed to it and yanked open the top drawer; both phones were there. With trembling hands, he grabbed the first one: dead. The second one was still on, Keiji's. He unlocked the phone, still not knowing who he should call.
Without thinking, he opened the call log and found the last number dialled. Tetsurō, still shaken with panic, pressed the call button without a second thought. He sighed in relief when he heard the other person answer.
" 'Kaashi, why the fuck are you calling me in the middle of the night? Are you drunk or something ?! I swear if you…"
"Konoha-san…"
His voice was trembling.
Silence.
"Kuroo?"
Silence.
"What's going on?"
Konoha's tone had dropped, mirroring his concern.
"I'm sorry for calling in the middle of the night, I… I don't know why -" he let out a muffled sob - "I saw the number and I… sorry."
"It's okay, it's okay Kuroo, what's going on?"
He tried to reply but his voice caught in his throat.
"Is something wrong with Akaashi?"
Kuroo answered with a muffled sound, nodding frantically.
"Can you tell me what's happening?"
The gentleness and calmness of his voice reassured him as much as it overwhelmed him. He burst into tears and curled up, starting to rock again, keeping the phone pressed firmly to his ear.
"He…" the voice died in his throat.
He took a deep breath and continued:
"I think he… he went into torpor."
He heard Konoha gasp in surprise. The blond took a breath and replied.
"Okay Kuroo, we'll find a solution, don't worry. Do you know what triggered it?"
"Yes…"
"Can you tell me?"
"Kenma…"
"Kozume?"
"Yes… he… he's not himself… He's panicking and… He… he's afraid of… of Keiji and… he's not himself, he doesn't recognize him…"
"Where is he now?"
"In his room… He's trying to hide… but Keiji is in front of the door, he won't move…"
He heard the blond take a deep breath.
"Okay, Kuroo… We'll find a solution. Do you know if Kozume has started nesting yet?"
"Yes, I think… I don't know…"
He heard him sigh, but he quickly regained composure.
"Okay, we'll figure it out. First, we need to prevent Akaashi's body temperature from dropping too much."
"I put a blanket on him…"
"Okay, that's good, but let's try to do more, okay?"
"Okay…"
"Okay… um… there must be a first aid kit somewhere, or a bag prepared in case of an earthquake, there should be a survival blanket inside. Can you get that? I'll stay on the line."
"Okay…"
Kuroo got up, trying to locate the item in question. He went to check in the kitchen; he remembered stumbling upon a survival kit when he had inspected all the cupboards earlier in the week. He found it, rummaged inside, and finally came across a survival blanket.
"I found it…"
"Okay, great, go put it on Akaashi now."
Tetsurō nodded and complied. Keiji still didn't react.
"It's done… But he still doesn't react."
"It will take some time for him to come around, but it will be okay… Now let's try to calm down Kozume."
"Okay…"
"It must be Akaashi's pheromones that put him in this state… Bokuto?"
"He's still asleep, I think…"
"Okay… Let's try not to wake him up for now, it's better this way. Okay… um."
Tetsurō heard him sigh. He finally continued in a composed voice:
"Kuroo, if you have clothes you can give him, that you've worn recently, go give them to him; having a familiar scent in his nest could help."
"Okay… I have to go outside, the door is locked," he said.
"Okay, go ahead."
Without hanging up, Kuroo went back to his room and grabbed as many clothes as possible; he rushed back, losing half of them on the way. He went back outside and returned to Kenma's window. He placed the phone on the windowsill and threw the pile of clothes inside before climbing onto the windowsill.
"I'm in the room," he whispered as he picked up the phone.
"Okay, go give them to him."
He nodded without replying aloud. He picked up the pile of clothes and went around the bed.
"Kenma, it's me."
When he finally completed the circle, he found Kenma again. He had surrounded himself with anything he could get his hands on. He caught his gaze. It was still filled with panic, shaken with fear.
"I'm just giving you this, okay? For you."
He saw him try to sign something but his limbs were too jittery to articulate anything.
"It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay," I'm here, the brunet murmured, not sure if he was trying to reassure Kenma or himself.
"I'm going to get closer, alright?"
Kenma recoiled and began to growl when he saw him come closer. Tetsurō stopped.
"I'm just going to get a little closer, to give you this. Is that alright?"
The blond relaxed and finally nodded.
Slowly, Tetsurō straightened up and approached. He stopped a few steps away from Kenma, sat down, and pushed the clothes towards him. The blond looked at the pile before leaning forward to pick them up, immediately arranging them all around him.
"Okay, It's done," he said, taking back the phone. "What now?"
"We'll wait a little…"
Kuroo didn't reply but kept the phone against his ear.
Kenma finally seemed to calm down, but fear was still lingering in his eyes.
He heard a whistle: Kōtarō had woken up.
Kuroo could hear him trying to call out, he could hear him crying.
"Kōtarō woke up…"
"Oh… "he heard murmured at the other end of the line. "Okay… um…"
A beep sounded several times, and Kuroo moved the phone away from his ear to see what it was. He felt his body shaken by a new wave of panic when he realized that the phone had only a few per cent of battery left.
"Damn it… I'm almost out of battery… Fuck…"
Konoha took a deep breath.
"Okay, Kuroo, I'm going to hang up, okay?"
"No, no, no!"
"It'll be okay, turn off the phone to save the battery. Go get Bokuto and bring him to see Kozume, that should calm them down, okay?"
"Yes…"
"Go back to Akaashi quickly afterwards, keep the phone. If he hasn't come around in ten minutes, call an ambulance, okay?"
Kuroo closed his eyes, trying to prevent his breathing from escalating.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
"Okay, I'm going to hang up, you'll be okay. Everything's going to be okay."
"Okay."
"Send me a message as soon as you can. It's going to be okay."
And he hung up. Kuroo felt his heart ache, but he still followed the instructions and turned off the phone.
The whistles had started up again, which didn't help Kenma's state at all; he now had his hands pressed against his ears, firmly shutting his eyelids.
"Kenma, I'll be back, I'll be back."
The blond didn't react; Kuroo waited a few seconds but eventually left. He went back outside and ran. He stopped for a moment in the hallway to check on Keiji. He hadn't fully come around yet, but his condition seemed stable. Tetsurō rushed into Kōtarō's room. He swung the door open and found his gaze immediately. He was right at the edge of the bower, his face torn by tears and panic. As soon as he saw him, he stretched out his arms and Kuroo rushed towards him to hug him. He held him fiercely, and Kuroo had to pull him away to face him.
"I need you, Babe, I need you."
The latter nodded.
"Can you walk?"
He shook his head negatively.
"Okay, um…"
Kuroo was starting to think a bit more clearly. He went to get some clothes from his boyfriend's luggage and came back to him. He grabbed a blanket to cover him and finally asked him, presenting his back:
"Get on."
Kōtarō wrapped his arms around his neck and climbed on. With the adrenaline helping, he straightened up and left the room. He made a first stop near Keiji to spread around him all the clothes he had taken from the room, as well as the few clothes he had dropped earlier. Kōtarō approached his mate, distraught to see him in this state. He ran his hands over his face before letting his forehead fall onto his mate's, shedding another wave of tears. Tetsu leaned over and stroked his back to reassure him.
"It's going to be okay, Kō, it's going to be okay… We're going to see Kenma, okay?"
His lover detached himself from his alpha and nodded, extending his arms to be carried. Kuroo let him wrap his arms around his neck and circle his legs around his waist. Securing him, he straightened up and headed back to the front door. He felt Kōtarō shiver when they came into contact with the night air. He tightened his grip around him and continued. They finally reached the window. Tetsurō set his boyfriend down so he could sit, went in, and picked him up once inside. He heard him struggle to breathe; the smell of fear in the room was overwhelming.
"Kenma, look who I brought back with me," murmured the brunet.
He saw the Kenma's eyes widen when he saw Kōtarō. Their gazes locked instantly. Kōtarō tapped him on the shoulder to signal him to put him down, and he complied. Once on the ground, he approached the blond directly. He stopped when he heard him growl as he sank into his nest. He stopped and sat down facing Kenma. He began to purr loudly without coming any closer. Kuroo stayed back. He felt the atmosphere in the room begin to lighten as Bokuto's scent spread around, gradually dissipating the heaviness of panic. He saw Kenma calming down.
Sensing this change,Kōtarō approached him. Kenma allowed him to enter his makeshift nest, letting him lean in to hug him. Kuroo sighed in relief. Kōtarō turned his eyes and nodded: the situation was under control. Tetsurō nodded back, and left.
He hoped with every fiber of his being that Keiji was okay.
Once back in the living room, he tilted his head to catch sight of him in the hallway. Fear continued to tie knots in his stomach as he approached.
"Love?"
When he saw Keiji turn his head in his direction, he felt his heart rise in relief.
"Oh damn it," he let out.
He rushed towards him and collapsed in front of him.
"You're okay! You're okay!"
He took his hands in his own, tears welling up in his eyes as he felt their warmth. Pinching his wrist, he noticed that his heartbeat had stabilized. Finally, he let go of their hands and cupped his face in his own. Their gazes locked.
"I was so scared," he whispered breathlessly.
He saw tears filling his lover's eyes. His relief was not shared, and he saw it right away. Keiji was still in distress. Fully regaining consciousness only brought him face-to-face with what had happened, awakening the pain. He felt abandoned, inadequate, and guilty. Tears began to stream down his cheeks in a torrent of silent violence.
"My love…" murmured Kuroo, deeply pained.
He pulled him closer, holding him tightly.
"I'm sorry, Love… I'm so sorry…"
He felt his arms wrap around his back and hold him tightly.
"Come here," he whispered after a moment.
Kuroo knew he needed to settle him elsewhere, but he wasn't sure if returning alone to the bower was a very good idea. He lifted him up, Keiji accompanying the movement without resistance, and brought him to the living room where he laid him down on the couch. His tears had not yet dried up, but they had lost some of their heaviness. As Kuroo was about to leave to give him some space, his boyfriend reached out to him, desperate. Tetsurō felt his throat tighten, overwhelmed by his vulnerability. He reciprocated the embrace and lay down beside him, holding him as close to his chest as possible.
Keiji eventually calmed down and fell asleep.
Kuroo took out the phone from his pocket and turned it on.
"I'm fine," he typed. The phone immediately shut off again.
Tetsurō tightened his grip around his lover and fell asleep.
-/-
He awoke a few hours later, at dawn, and felt a hand stroke his hair. He opened one eye, then the other, and found Kōtarō's face close to his own. The tender smile of his lover greeted him, bathed in the light of the morning sun.
"Kōtarō?"
Kōtarō leaned his forehead against his. He immediately felt enveloped in a veil of infinite softness, tenderness rolling over his skin, through his body, into his veins, soothing his entire being. He closed his eyes, overcome with dizziness. He felt his lover's lips press against his own. He opened his eyelids, his vision blurred with tears.
"You're okay…"
It wasn't a question, just a poignant observation. Kōtarō nodded.
"Kenma?"
He nodded to indicate that he was fine.
He took a deep breath. They were okay…
"I'll bring Keiji back," Kōtarō signed.
"Okay… Can you walk?"
His lover nodded affirmatively. That was a good sign... Just a few more hours until he could speak again as well.
Kōtarō leaned over his mate, kissed his temple, and slid his arms under his back and legs to lift him up. The alpha didn't fully wake up. Kōtarō rose without much effort, his lover in his arms. He gave him one last tender look, nodded, and left.
His sudden solitude felt strange… He no longer needed to be strong. In the distance, birds were singing; the world had kept turning.
The pressure that was building up within him exploded all of a sudden.
He burst into tears.
He fell asleep, drained of tears.
-/-
Tetsurō woke up again several hours later. The sun was already high in the sky. Without thinking further, he got up and began his routine, trying as best as he could not to think about anything. For now he just needed to exist in the present moment.
It took him another good hour to finish breakfast. Once he was done, he left with his tray. He first stopped outside Kenma's room.
He hesitated, but hearing no noise, he tried to turn the handle. The door opened without resistance.
He sighed in relief. The bed had been set up again. The nest was still there though, reconstructed on top of the bed, Kenma sleeping inside. He tiptoed forward, placing a bowl of soup and a bowl of rice on the bedside table. Kuroo sat on the edge of the bed, watching the blond sleep for a few seconds. Kenma was breathing deeply, calmly... Yet, the folds of his fears and anxieties still lingered on his face. But he was okay. Everything was okay. He leaned over to kiss his temple and left.
Once back in the hallway, he picked up his tray and headed for the room at the end of the hall. Every step echoed in the rest of his limbs. He finally stopped in front of the door, tension knotting in his throat. He whistled briefly. He waited a few seconds.
Finally, Keiji responded to his call, and he felt his heart lift.
He opened the door. As usual, Keiji came down the bower and sat on the floor. Kuroo put the tray down and sat beside him. He watched the brunet pick up the chopsticks. He briefly joined his hands, bowed his head, and began to eat.
Tetsurō watched him.
"He's okay, he's okay, he's okay,"
All the dreadful scenarios his mind had played for him last night came back to him.
"He's okay, he's okay, he's okay."
He felt the tears welling up in his eyes again. Keiji eventually caught his gaze, deeply surprised to find him in this state. Tetsurō smiled at him, but he could hide his distress.
Keiji noticed. He set down the bowl he was holding and turned, taking his face in his hands.
"I was so scared…" murmured Tetsurō.
Keiji pulled him close, holding him tightly.
"Everything is okay…" he whispered to him.
Hearing his voice for the first time in days deeply moved Tetsurō, who surrendered to tears once again. Keiji wiped them away before pulling him into a kiss. A deep, longing, desperate kiss.
They finally parted, and Keiji pulled him close once more. Tetsurō buried his face in his lover's neck, taking in his scent, his presence, his breath, and the sound of his betting heart. He eventually calmed down, cradled by Keiji. They only parted when a little chirping reached them: Kōtarō was awake. He smiled at them, and Kuroo felt his lips instinctively respond. Keiji let go of him to join his mate. Once in the bower, Kōtarō let out another chirp and signed to him:
"Come."
He hesitated and turned to Keiji. He nodded.
"Cuddles," he told him.
Kuroo didn't move, watching each of them in turn. He knew what joining them meant. He knew that...
To hell with everything, he needed to be held, he needed to feel loved now. He needed it.
He straightened up and approached the bower. As he was about to enter, he heard Kōtarō growl. He turned, surprised. Keiji laughed.
"No clothes," he explained.
"Oh..."
Kuroo stepped back, complying before returning to the nest. This time, Kōtarō welcomed him with open arms. The inside of the bower was comfortable, fluffy, and cozy. Kuroo allowed himself to be cuddled without offering any further resistance, feeling his heart lighten. Time had no meaning at all in this cocoon of softness; it stretched and intertwined endlessly. He felt safe now. Fear gradually stopped roaring within him, and he fell asleep.
-/-
The sun had already begun to set when Tetsurō opened his eyes again. Kōtarō was still asleep; Kuroo watched him wriggle in his sleep, eventually burying himself in a pile of pillows, with only a few strands of his hair visible. He chuckled.
The light was fading, it was probably time for him to leave.
As he was about to get up, he felt a hand hold him back. Turning around, he met Keiji's gaze.
"Stay," he murmured.
He hesitated. He could see in his lover's eyes what he wanted. Tetsurō felt like gravity had intensified, and he let himself fall backwards. His own body shivered with the same desire, with that warmth, strangely mixed with the lethargy of sleep. He just wanted to surrender to him completely. He welcomed his lover's caresses and shivered as he felt his body respond to his. He sank into this state of ataraxia, mingled with pleasure and inertia.
Finally, he felt the climax approaching, completely engulfing him, numbing all his limbs, swallowing him whole.
But just as ecstasy reached its paroxysm, a sharp pain abruptly brought him back to reality. He let out a groan of pain and instinctively tried to pull away. Keiji stopped him by holding him tightly in his arms.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," he murmured but didn't release his grip.
This did nothing to calm Kuroo and only fueled his anger.
"The fuck, Keiji, let me go! You're hurting me!"
"I can't."
"What do you mean you can't," he felt another painful stab "pull out, damn it!"
Silence.
"I cannot do that"
Confusion joined this joyful mix of anger and pain.
"What do you mean?!"
Silence.
"Kuroo... san..."
Oh yeah, of fucking course!
"Kuroo-san? Seriously?"
"Tetsurō," corrected Keiji.
Kuroo frowned, hearing the genuine embarrassment in his voice.
"Um," began the brunet, "do you know what a knot is?"
"You knotted me?!" Tetsurō exploded.
Silence.
"You're kidding, right?!"
Still no answer.
"Keiji!"
"Sorry..." he murmured.
He kissed him on the neck to calm him down, which obviously didn't work at all.
"You're a pain in the ass, literally! Damn it! Why you..." he couldn't finish his sentence, as the pain flared up when he tried to move even a little.
"I didn't mean to..."
"What do you mean you didn't mean to?! You could have... Fuck you!"
"Sorry..."
He planted another kiss on his neck, and this time Tetsurō calmed down a bit.
He sighed.
The pain had stopped, leaving only discomfort. It was still unpleasant but much more bearable. He sighed, jaded.
At least Keiji was feeling better now, since all his "motor functions" were working just fine. He sighed again.
"And how long does it last?"
Silence.
"Keiji?"
He mumbled an inaudible response.
"What?"
"About an hour and a half..."
"An hour and a half!"
"Sorry..."
"Stop apologizing! An hour and... Why the hell does it last so long?!"
"I am at the end of my cycle..."
"Great news," Kuroo quipped.
"Sorry..."
He covered him with kisses, which didn't really help his situation.
"I love you..." Keiji murmured.
"I love you too, but you're really pissing me off."
Keiji continued to cuddle him in an attempt to calm him down, which had very little effect at first. Tetsurō eventually stopped grumbling, finally accepting his fate.
"Try to go back to sleep," the brunet advised him.
Easier said than done!
Minutes passed. He felt Keiji fall asleep. The audacity of that guy really! Kuroo tried to do the same but without success. After about an hour, he heard Kōtarō starting to wake up. He saw him poke his head out of his pile of pillows, hair all messy and eyes sleepy. Tetsurō let out a smile. His lover turned his gaze, finally catching his eye. He smiled back.
"Hey..."
After all this time, he could finally hear his voice again.
"Hey."
His lover approached to kiss him.
"You're still here," he whispered to him in a tone of infinite sweetness.
Kuroo raised an eyebrow.
"It's not like I could go anywhere..."
Kōtarō frowned.
"He knotted me," his boyfriend clarified, nodding towards the sleeping Keiji behind him.
Once the surprise passed, his boyfriend chuckled, particularly amused by the situation.
"It's not funny..." the brunet complained.
"It's kinda funny..."
"No, it's awful!"
"Nah, we don't say 'it's awful', we say 'I don't like it.'"
"Well, I really don't like it..."
Kōtarō laughed again. He planted a kiss on his forehead and let his head fall close to his so he could look him in the eyes. The softness of his features eventually transformed, and a mischievous smile slid onto his lips.
"I'll cheer you up."
And indeed, he did cheer him up.
In the end, Tetsurō came away from this first experience under the bower with a somewhat mixed impression, but not a bad one.
Everything was okay now.
-/-
Tetsurō had managed to leave the bower a little over two hours after the knot incident, just after Kōtarō promised to see him again in about twenty hours. He cared deeply for them, but he wasn't ready to be immobilized for so long, knowing he would never manage to sleep that long.
He stumbled out when he left, struggling to regain the sensation and use of his legs, which fortunately returned fairly quickly. He retrieved his tray from the foot of the bed and returned to the living room. He had hesitated to go back to see Kenma, but ultimately decided against it. Not only because he didn't want to wake him up, but also because he didn't know how to face him right away.
He had no idea how to react... Keiji had been in a critical situation but was now okay without any major physical or psychological consequences, the same with Kōtarō. But for Kenma... he knew that he hadn't reacted like that by chance... There was something much heavier, a fear so deeply rooted in his mind that it caused such a violent reaction in him as if his life depended on it. He was afraid to find out what it was or to accidentally trigger his defense mechanism again.
He didn't have the chance to dwell on it any longer. As he was doing the dishes, a noise from the living room made him instinctively turn his eyes. He immediately found Kenma's gaze, who was standing at the end of the hallway. They looked at each other for several seconds, neither of them moving a muscle, only the sound of water flowing from the tap filling the silence.
The blond took a step forward, slowly, then a second. Kuroo turned off the tap, still not taking his eyes off his boyfriend. Finally, Kenma started running towards him, and his lover opened his arms to welcome him. He sighed in relief as he felt his body collide with his, feeling his warmth close to him. He held him tight, as tight as he could.
"Ji..." he heard him murmur.
He rested his head on his and began to rock him in his arms.
They stayed like that for long minutes, without saying anything, without moving.
"Is it over?"
"Hmm," the blond vaguely replied.
Kuroo continued to slowly stroke his boyfriend's back.
"How do you feel?"
Kenma sighed.
"Okay... Not great, but I took my meds, it's bearable..."
They fell silent.
Finally, Kenma pulled away from him to catch his gaze.
"Something happened again, didn't it?"
Tetsurō held his breath, he looked up. He didn't really know how to respond without upsetting him.
"Please answer me..."
Kuroo nodded.
Kenma breathed in.
"Okay..."
He didn't add anything more.
"You don't remember?"
"Not really... But well..."
He moved away from him.
"I woke up in a nest, I guess it's not for nothing..."
Kuroo grimaced.
"I think half of your wardrobe is in there," the blond remarked, his tone indicating that he was trying to downplay the situation.
Tetsurō chuckled despite himself.
"I didn't steal those clothes from you, did I?"
"Pff, no, I gave them to you..."
"Oh... hmm... okay..."
Silence...
"I'll have to wash them before giving them back to you."
"It's okay, don't worry, I..."
"No. I'll wash them, I swear you want me to wash them."
Tetsurō frowned... oh. He understood when he met Kenma's disheartened gaze.
"Oh." Kuroo burst out laughing despite himself "Glad they could... be of help."
Kenma momentarily looked away, embarrassed. Tetsurō laughed, and the blond found his gaze again, smiling tenderly at him.
Between the two of them, it wasn't necessarily him who needed to be comforted...
The blond finally took his hand and led him to the couch. He sat down and invited him to sit across from him. The brunet complied. Kenma took his hands in his and caught his gaze. Kuroo held his breath.
"Can you please explain what happened?" the blond asked.
Kuroo felt his heart lift. He turned his head, but Kenma leaned in to catch his gaze again.
"Do you really want to talk about it now?"
Kenma nodded.
"Um, okay..."
He sighed.
Kenma waited, patiently. The brunet could clearly see from his posture, his gaze, and his breath, that he was only pretending to be in control. He needed to be in control, to know the details, to rationalize as best as he could.
"It was last night..."
Kenma nodded.
He didn't know how to explain the facts to him...
"Um... I woke up hearing some noises... Keiji was in front of your room, he was panicking because he felt that you weren't okay but you had locked the door... I managed to get in through the window and you... you were terrified."
Kenma had started to curl up, holding his knees tightly against his chest, he continued to maintain eye contact.
"Of what? What was I scared of?" he insisted.
He let silence linger for long seconds. Kenma didn't look away.
Did he really not remember anything?
"Of Keiji..."
He saw the blond's eyes widen.
"What?"
"Um... I think that... you didn't recognize him... You were afraid of "the alpha." That's what you told me... You were afraid he would... well... Konoha said that..."
"Konoha?"
"Uh... I called him... I was panicking, I didn't know what to do and I thought that... well, no, I didn't really think... but..."
"It's good that you asked for help, Ji... What did he say?"
"That you reacted like that because... of Keiji's pheromones..."
Kenma frowned.
"Pheromones but I'm used to..."
He stopped. Tetsurō saw in his eyes the moment something clicked in his mind.
"Oh..."
The surprise quickly dissolved, and something much heavier rose. Kenma closed his eyes. When he opened them again, tears rolled down his cheeks. There was no shock, no tumultuous storm. They were just abandoned tears, carrying an omniscience they were never meant to bear.
"Shit..." murmured the blond.
He hugged his legs tighter against his chest and buried his head in his knees, continuing to cry in silence.
"No, no, no... shit..."
He sniffled loudly, finally lifting his head.
"I thought I was done with this, that it was..." his voice broke with tears.
Tetsurō approached and slowly stroked his back. He was afraid, terribly, of understanding, of knowing. He felt helpless.
"Kenma... has Keiji ever... um... given you a reason to be afraid of him?"
"No, no... oh no, nothing like that... But..."
"But?"
He hid his face in his knees again.
"Shit... I really thought I was over this..."
The grief silenced him again.
He cried for a long time, silently. Tetsurō said nothing, trying to comfort him, to accompany him. Finally, his tears dried up.
Kenma unfolded his limbs slowly, his gaze drifting into the void. He finally let himself fall back, and Tetsurō couldn't see the emotions surfacing on his face anymore.
"Tetsu..."
"Yes?"
"I know where it comes from... Well, I think..."
"Oh..."
Tetsurō could hear his heart starting to race, his heartbeat echoing throughout his body. He said nothing, waiting for Kenma to confide in him, if he wished to.
"Do you know what chemical pacifiers are?"
"... No."
"They're... diffusers of artificial pseudo-pheromones meant to mimic those of a rutting alpha... They're often prescribed to young unpaired omegas to facilitate their cycle."
"Oh... okay."
"When I was younger... um... I was prescribed that... I always had difficult cycles and it was supposed to help..."
It took him a few moments to speak again.
"My parents... I can't believe their bullshit is still fucking me up, that it... well... um... They... When I was on my cycle, they locked me in the basement, telling me I couldn't go out, that I shouldn't be found... They told me that if I left, I would be attacked, I would be... assaulted, and if I didn't want that, then I had to stay locked downstairs... with their damn pacifiers. They kept doing that even after I went to high school, even after I started dating Keiji and Kōtarō... especially after... Until I was eighteen actually..."
Kenma had just turned twenty-two. Only three miserable little years had passed since then.
Tetsurō remained stunned, paralyzed, horrified. Within him boiled a whole bunch of emotions: rage, dismay, affliction, helplessness...
"Growing up I... realized that... what they were making me go through was nothing but psychological violence... I'm not even sure they realized it... I thought that... realizing that would... shield me. That I wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of their action"
He sighed.
"No, not really actually... I... knew... or thought I knew that there had been consequences... I spent my adolescence with an overwhelming fear of intimacy... For several reasons but let's say that was the main one... For so long I convinced myself that if I didn't feel attraction, it was because of that... It took me so much time to unravel it all, to understand that... who I am isn't just the result of trauma... I'm still sure of that but... I thought that knowing that would solve things... Apparently, I haven't solved shit! I'm back at square one..."
Kenma fell silent.
Eventually, he straightened up, though his gaze didn't meet his boyfriend's.
"Kenma..."
He didn't react.
Kuroo approached and took his hand in his.
"Kenma... I... don't really know what to say or if... or if I'm entitled, or skilled enough, to say this, but... And I'm not in your head or... well... Considering how you're able to talk about it, I wouldn't say that you haven't solved anything at all... Or that you're back to square one..."
Kenma turned his eyes. His lover instantly caught his gaze.
"To me, it looks like the progress you've made is already huge! And in such a short time too, I... It's impressive the progress you've already made... So yes, maybe everything isn't behind you yet, and it will take more time, and probably a bit of help to get there. But you will get there, you're already getting there."
He saw Kenma's face twist with a mix of relief and guilt.
"Tetsu..." he sighed "I know Keiji went into torpor... again... I could have killed him... I could have... because of... me, because of my reaction... I should have been more... I should have stayed alone..."
Kuroo fell silent... It was true that Keiji had been in danger, he couldn't deny that. But... Even though all the worst scenarios had crossed his mind, somewhere deep down he knew it would never have happened...
He sighed...
"Kenma... First of all... Know that you are in no way responsible for... what you've been through, and how much it may have affected you."
The blond closed his eyes, forcefully holding back his tears.
"And then... I... I'd rather relive what happened a thousand times than leave you alone. I'd rather relive it a thousand times than not be there when you need me... And I think it's the same for Kōtarō... and for Keiji too..."
Kenma slowly nodded, before surrendering to tears again. He leaned onto Tetsurō and the latter hugged him as tightly as he could. They stayed like that for a long time, calming each other. Kenma eventually pulled away from him, sighed, and wiped the tears that had rolled down his cheeks. Kenma closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to refocus, then finally opened them again.
"How is he?" he asked, his voice filled with apprehension and guilt.
"Well, I guess he's okay."
The blond frowned at the sarcastic tone, which he certainly had not expected. Kuroo met his gaze with a bored expression, which only confused Kenma.
"Considering he knotted me, like, two hours ago, I guess he's not too bad."
It took Kenma several seconds to process the information.
"He what?"
"You heard me."
Kenma burst into laughter.
"That's not funny, damn it!" Tetsurō retorted.
"It's a little funny..."
He pouted.
"Kō said the same thing..."
"He's right..."
"You guys are monsters," Kuroo sulked.
The blond just chuckled.
"It hurts like hell..."
"Poor you," Kenma replied, his voice devoid of any compassion.
Kuroo continued to sulk, which had the merit of making Kenma smile, who leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. The brunet smiled back.
Kenma was back to being himself.
"I guess I won't see them until tomorrow..."
Kuroo nodded.
"Yeah, they're sleeping now."
The blond nodded vaguely.
Silence fell once again.
"What would you like to do?" Kuroo asked. "We can... watch something or... take a bath, or go for a walk?"
"Hm... I wouldn't say no to getting some fresh air, I haven't been out for days..."
Kuroo nodded.
"And then I'm up for a bath."
"Sounds good."
"And a movie."
"Okay, let's do that then."
They went outside first. Feeling the twilight air filling his lungs, Kuroo calmed down. He felt his body lighten, and his mind calm down. They walked for about twenty minutes before they stopped at the top of a small hill, sitting side by side to watch the sunset. Tetsurō turned his eyes to his lover: the setting sun illuminated him with orange rays, rolling like golden pearls on his hair and skin. He smiled.
He didn't think it was possible to fall in love more than he already was, but he had to face the facts. He was loving more than ever before. The events of last night had strengthened their bonds... They were stronger, and deeper than ever. He felt it in every fiber of his being, in every convolution of his brain, through every pore of his skin. Kenma turned his eyes to him. Their gazes met, and Kuroo knew how reciprocal what he was feeling was.
-/-
"I swear, he wouldn't stop! Every time I put him in the water, he thought it was a good opportunity!"
Kenma burst into laughter, which of course prompted Tetsurō to exaggerate even more.
Kenma and he had spent the rest of the evening together. They had originally planned a movie night but had fallen asleep within the first few minutes of the movie. They slept until late the next morning.
They were currently sitting at the small garden table for breakfast, braving the morning chill for a little sunshine. Kuroo quickly noticed that the blond seemed to be preoccupied, sensing a certain anxiety in his gaze: he knew that his mates would wake up soon. He hadn't seen them since the incident the day before and he certainly dreaded the reunion. So Tetsurō had taken it upon himself to cheer him up by telling him how the last few days had unfolded on his side, with a little extra comedy, a touch of drama, and voilà!
"Don't play the victim, come on," remarked the blond, "he wouldn't have kept doing it if you hadn't given in the first time."
"What kind of argument is that?" Kuroo interjected. "Just because I said yes once doesn't mean it's yes forever!"
The blond raised an eyebrow.
"Don't put words in my mouth, you're not going to tell me he forced you to jerk him off in the bathtub."
"No..."
"Well then own it" he flashed a mocking smile "Max-sturbator."
He burst out laughing.
"Max-sturbator?"
"That's your title now."
"Charming," pouted Kuroo.
His attitude only amused Kenma.
"Not to your liking? Lord Max-sturbator then?"
"That's worse! It sounds like the title of a bad porn"
The blond chuckled.
"You know, if you want to get into this industry, I'll support you."
"Whoa, that means a lot to me. Applepie studio presents 'Lord Max-sturbator, conqueror of all dicks.' How did you know it was my dream?"
Kenma was caught off guard and almost choked on his sip of tea as he burst out laughing.
"Plus, thanks to Yūji, I'm starting to have a little community, I didn't think I'd become a content creator, but it might just happen after all."
"You're right, a little OnlyFans account, and you're on the road to fame."
"Good idea! I was stressing about finding an internship, but not anymore!"
"You see, nothing but good sides."
Kuroo nodded slowly, pretending to think about it seriously. He met his lover's gaze as he looked up and they burst out laughing together. They finally heard movement behind them. Kuroo saw Kenma looking over his shoulder:
"Speak of the devil..."
Tetsurō turned his head, a smile forming on his lips when saw Kōtarō approaching them. He let his head fall back, watching his boyfriend come to him. The latter smiled at him.
"Hey babe," Bokuto murmured as he reached him.
"Hey."
Kōtarō's smile widened and he leaned in to kiss his lips. They split up and Kōtarō approached the blond. He slumped lazily in front of his chair and rested his head on his thighs. Kenma's features softened even more, and he ran his hand through his hair.
"I missed you..." his mate murmured.
"Missed you too..."
They stayed like that for a few seconds before Kōtarō finally sat up again. He kissed him before pulling the chair between them to sit on.
"Slept well?" Tetsurō asked.
"Hmm," his boyfriend replied as he poured himself a cup of coffee, "I feel like I've been run over by a steam train but I'm okay. Were you talking about me?"
"Hmm, Max-sturbator over here was telling us about your 'aquatic' adventures," explained Kenma.
Kōtarō grimaced, not understanding where Kenma wanted to lead him with that.
"About what?"
"You don't remember?" asked Kuroo.
Kōtarō contemplated emptiness for several seconds.
"No..."
"What? Really?"
Kenma burst into laughter.
"Quite an unmemorable performance, my dear Max-sturbator. You need to up your game if you want to make a name in this field."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kōtarō asked, yawning.
"You really don't remember? When you were taking your bath?"
Kōtarō grimaced again.
"The bath?"
"Yes... in the bathtub."
"What? You know it's quite blurry, I..."
He paused. Finally, Kuroo saw his eyes widen, he blushed slightly and chuckled.
"Oh yeah, now I remember..."
"Ah, there we go! I was worried!"
"Worried about what?"
"That you wouldn't remember his superb Max-sturbator skills," Kenma chimed in, teasing.
"Yeah, yeah, it was nice," remarked Kōtarō before taking a sip of his coffee.
"It's even worse when you say it like that..."
"What? I'm just acknowledging your talents... Max-sturbator."
The blond burst into laughter.
"No! Not you too!"
Bokuto smiled.
"I also remember when you came under the bower... Your face, I'll never forget it" he turned to Kenma "he told you that Keiji knotted him?"
The blond nodded and they laughed together.
"It's not funny damn it!"
"It's a little funny..."
"No! I'd like to see you in that situation," he retorted without thinking.
Kōtarō and Kenma both raised an eyebrow, a bit unimpressed.
"Yeah, well okay, bad argument, but still!"
"It wasn't cool not to warn you..." Kenma admitted.
"Yeah, see !"
"Weird…Normally he does, it's even annoying sometimes," Kōtarō chimed in, "he waves his hand in front of my face like 'okay I got it!'"
Kuroo frowned.
"He waves his hand in front of your face?"
"Yeah, he signs it."
"How do you sign it?"
Kenma and Kōtarō answered him at the same time, the sign consisting of rotating the fist.
Kuroo recognized the sign. Maybe Keiji had "waved his hand" somewhere in his field of vision, but honestly, Tetsurō was already too far gone to bother figuring out what it meant at the time.
"Oh... He might have tried to tell me then, I just didn't catch it... But he could have just told me! He could talk at the time!"
"Hmm, maybe we should've briefed you on the special terms beforehand," Bokuto said.
Kenma nodded.
"For example, there's this one, super important"!
Kōtarō formed a small circle with his left hand, and without warning, he passed half of his right forearm through it. Kenma burst into loud laughter.
"What does that mean?" Kuroo asked in a low voice, fear settling in his stomach.
"What do you think?" Kōtarō replied, raising an eyebrow, a lewd smile forming on his lips.
The blond was bending over laughing now.
"No... What does it mean?"
"I think it's pretty self-explanatory."
"Kenma... what does it mean?"
Kenma struggled to catch his breath. He wiped away the tears that had started to well up in the corners of his eyes and finally answered him:
"Nothing, he's just messing with you..."
"Yeah, I am"
"The real sign is this one."
He made the same gesture as Kōtarō, except he made sure to put his entire arm through it.
"Kinky," commented his mate before bursting into laughter himself.
"Stop!"
"Alright... But this one is important."
Kenma showed him a sign that looked much more innocent. However, Kōtarō's hilarity only increased.
"Stop messing with me..."
"No, no, this one is a real sign."
Bokuto nodded.
"What does it mean?"
"Double penetration," Kenma translated for him.
His two boyfriends burst into laughter seeing his reaction.
"You guys suck," sulked Kuroo.
"What, we're just trying to teach you things and you react like that," the blond replied.
Kōtarō hadn't stopped laughing, and it infected Kenma again who lost his seriousness. Eventually, Kuroo joined them.
Kenma looked up, his laughter immediately fading. He stiffened and his smile disappeared. The atmosphere around them shifted, and time slowed down.
Tetsurō followed his gaze: Keiji stood there at the door; his face painted with the same troubled expression as the blond. They didn't break eye contact, remaining like that for several seconds. Kōtarō and he stayed silent, watching as mere spectators what was unfolding before their eyes.
Without taking his eyes off of Keiji, Kenma's eyes filled with tears, he sighed and straightened up.
Keiji took a step back.
Kenma ran to him, and his mate let out a relieved gasp and opened his arms to embrace him. They met in a powerful hug, overwhelmed by the warmth of the other after what had happened. Kenma murmured something, and Keiji burst into tears.
The blond placed his hands on his face, gently caressing his skin. His hands gradually slid, and he interlocked his fingers with his mate's, and he guided him inside. Tetsurō watched them leave and finally turned his head to Kōtarō. The latter had tears in his eyes, his facial features twisted with a mixture of sadness and relief. Tetsurō took his hand, and their eyes met. His boyfriend tried to smile at him, but his lips couldn't sustain that expression for long, the muscles of his face twitching under the pressure. He looked away.
"I... I remember... what happened."
"Oh..."
He took a deep breath.
"I remember that Keiji fell into a torpor... I remember the panic on your face and..."
His voice choked with tears.
"Hey, it's okay, everything's okay," his lover murmured tenderly, stroking his hand to soothe him.
Kōtarō nodded. He let out a shaky sigh and wiped the tears that had rolled down his cheeks.
"Kenma... did... did he talk to you about it?"
Kuroo nodded.
"It was the pheromones that... um, put him in that state, right?"
"Apparently..."
He sighed.
"I don't know what to do..."
"I'm not sure if there's much you can do..."
He saw his lips start to tremble.
"I... yes but... damn it... I tried to tell him that... that... well. He thought it would be okay, that he had overcome it, that it was behind him... But... It's not as easy as that. I wanted to trust him but... I should have insisted. I knew he needed help and..."
"Babe, it's not your fault, you did what you could... If Kenma wasn't... ready to face it, you wouldn't have been able to force him to do it anyway... But I think now, he knows... All we can do is support him."
Kōtarō nodded.
"I just don't want it to happen again… I don't want to leave him alone, but I don't want it to happen... And Keiji, he..."
He let out a distressed groan and Kuroo stepped forward to take him in his arms. His lover slid into the embrace.
"It's okay... everything's fine, everything's fine," he murmured to reassure him.
It took several minutes for Kōtarō to relax. Kuroo felt him loosen the embrace and he separated from him. His lover cupped his face in his hands, his gaze meeting his. He smiled at him, genuinely this time.
"I'm glad you stayed with us..."
"Me too..."
He rubbed his nose against his. Finally, he pulled away from him and settled back into his chair.
"Well… All things considered though…I think I've rarely had such a... chill time."
"Chill?"
Tetsurō frowned. Chill? He had shed his yearly quota of tears in just 48 hours and his body had produced so much cortisol that his cardiomyocytes were struggling to recover from it but that was... chill?
"Yes, well apart from what happened," added Kōtarō seeing the look on his face.
"That's a big chunk of it though."
"Yeah, but if we had added to that the fact that if you hadn't been there, I probably would have woken up in hypoglycemia, soaked in sweat and old dried sperm, frankly it's not so bad..."
"Oh shit Kōtarō," Kuroo cut in between disgust and amusement.
"What, it's true, it didn't happen."
"Hmm..."
"Thank you, brave Max-sturbator."
Kuroo glowered at him, which only made his boyfriend laugh.
Still, he smiled, overwhelmed by a powerful wave of pure tenderness as he saw his lover's features light up like that, deeply reassured to see him return to the Kōtarō he knew so well.
The rest of the day went by peacefully. Kenma and Keiji spent most of the day together and finally reappeared together in the evening. Kuroo had feared that the events had broken something between them, but that was not the case... On the contrary, they seemed to have grown closer, they understood each other and the mutual fear of losing each other had brought them closer than ever before.
The next day, they had to start cleaning and tidying up the house and finally left in the late afternoon. Something had changed between them, Tetsurō could feel it. He could feel it deep inside himself and he knew that it was mutual. This feeling remained even after they returned to their normal daily lives, and it would not fade away.
However, the nickname "Max-Sturbator" also persisted, much to Tetsurō's dismay.
-end of the chapter-
Next chapter: "Jishin desu"
"Japan: an archipelago with no less than 440 volcanoes, 111 of which are active to this day. A tiny piece of land hosting 10% of the world's volcanoes due to its rather inconvenient location at the convergence of four continental plates—the Pacific, the Philippine, the Eurasian, and the North American Plate.
Kuroo often wondered why his ancestors had decided to settle in such a risky place. Sure, the view wasn't too bad, but still, what a strange idea to settle here, knowing there are plenty of places on the planet that don't experience thousands of earthquakes every year! The worst part might be that neither his ancestors nor his own experience had accustomed him to such occurrences. "