This Is War

by Chase'sGirl19

The third story of Already Home This is the aftermath of Severus' betrayal, where he must now live with the consequences of it, and making sure everything is going to plan or it would all be for nothing. Remus must keep himself afloat while handling a broken heart, and being there for Harry. Soon he may find more than that to deal with... And Harry, he must still carry on and fight

2. You Should've Just Killed Me

Chapter Two - You Should've Just Killed Me

Harry completely stayed in his room during his first two days back at Privet Drive, entirely grateful to Mrs. Weasley who sent him care packages of food, that way he didn't have to go down and sit with the Dursleys during meal times.

He hid from his relatives because Harry couldn't be the brave person he promised himself he would be, choosing to go back to Privet Drive, to stop cutting, ready to take down Voldemort just yet. Being here, it brought everything back, and he felt like he was drowning in it. It felt stronger…the fear, the depression, the loneliness, the worthlessness, it all felt stronger than he remembered it being. Maybe because for a moment there, for a moment Harry began to believe that he would never have to live in this house again. And now that he was under the same roof as his uncle again, Harry was constantly on alert for the sounds of him coming to his room. It was exhausting and nerve-wracking, the very sound of Uncle Vernon in the hallway would send Harry into a fearful spiral that often had him hiding in the corner of his room where his uncle wouldn't be able to find Harry so easily if he should enter. Harry didn't think he could be strong enough to take another beating, fight back like he used to do in the past.

On the third day of hiding out in his room, Harry woke up with such a painful feeling of restless boredom. It left him pacing his room that morning, looking out the window every now and then until he spotted Uncle Vernon getting into his car for work and driving away. The sweet relief of finally letting his guard down enveloped Harry, and without a thought about it, or even a plan, he suddenly left his room, crept down the stairs where the television and the roaring sound of the vacuum could be heard coming from the living room, and out of the house unnoticed and ventured straight towards the park.

Harry stayed out there as long as he could, swinging on the swing set. The day was too hot for any children to be out, leaving him to blissfully have the park to himself.

It was quiet, he thought, his hands gripping the chains. His shoes scuffing the sand. It was easy to pretend that the past year didn't happen and he was back here in Little Whinging just like every other summer he'd spent between the years of Hogwarts. It was easy to pretend that he just had to hold out until his last year of Hogwarts started in the fall… Easy to pretend that he was here under normal circumstances…

At least he didn't have to wait through August this time…

Four weeks, only four weeks and Harry would be out of here. He'll be at the Burrow with the Weasleys. He'll get to see Ron again and Ginny. His heart ached for Ginny. He missed her so much and he still felt so bad for breaking up with her. Even though Ginny said she had understood, Harry knew he broke her heart.

And don't forget Remus… The voice of the teenage boy Harry was only weeks ago whispered. The boy in Harry who had yet to be betrayed by Severus, kept protected on the other side of his reforming mental wall.

And his thoughts of Severus, the ones Harry kept at bay…the hurt, the betrayal and the loneliness of losing him… It began to grow heavy inside him, until his throat began to ache and his eyes began to well up.

The warmth of the summer day was suddenly lost on Harry, night befell him and he was back on that tower, hidden underneath the rafters. Harry remembered how scared he was, pointing his wand up, ready to protect Dumbledore if he needed to. Remembered seeing Draco, whose voice and wand hand shook as Dumbledore talked him down. Draco lowered his wand and suddenly Severus, he was there, right behind Harry. A finger to his lips, his dark eyes telling Harry to be quiet, to trust him. Trust him, always trust him and Harry had trusted him. He'd trusted his dad in that very moment with every fiber of his being. He'd even felt a bit of relief that it was Severus who found them, who would help Dumbledore, help Draco.

Then the confusion of seeing Severus taking his place among the Death Eaters, pushing Draco behind him. The horror of what Harry was realizing as he'd watched his dad raising his wand directly at a weakened Dumbledore.

The headmaster's whispered plea to Severus.

Severus' voice echoed in Harry's head that night… Trust me, son, no matter what happens, always trust me… Trust me…trust me…trust me… That voice faded away in the chaos of Harry's fear, his disbelief, his agony and anger as he'd taken in that strange look on Severus' face as he stared at the headmaster. Harry was frozen. He couldn't move. He couldn't see his dad in that sudden stranger.

Avada Kedavra! And that voice, that stranger's curse shattered everything Harry thought he knew into a million billion little pieces.

He couldn't move. He couldn't move as he heard the voice of a traitor that sounded like his dad. Green light blinded Harry, and the fragile line that had formed between him and Severus over the year, that fragile line that took so long and so much hard work, so much work, that line of trust, it snapped in half the same time as Dumbledore fell.

Harry had been cruelly blindsided. It was the worst pain imaginable, pain of the worst betrayal, the shock, coursing through him that night, it still felt so fresh, so raw.

Mind-numbing pain that still has not left him. It still sat in his heart, a permanent residence as Harry came back to the present moment, sitting on the swing set at the park in Little Whinging. The sun was still shining above him, but it no longer felt quiet and peaceful, it was dark and full of loss.

Harry blinked the few tears away, wiping his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

He chased away his memories of that awful night. Harry never allowed himself to think of it, to remember it. It hurt too much to do so, always leaving him wanting to kneel over and gasp for breath, and for most of the time, Harry was strong about keeping it all locked up, but sometimes the memory crept up on him, seizing him, breaking him all over again.

Harry had to keep that night away because he couldn't let himself be broken over it, not with the job Dumbledore had left him with. And he won't show Snape the damage he'd caused him, won't show how easily broken Harry had been because of him. That he wasn't the weak kid, the freak Snape must've seen Harry as all along. Once the horcruxes were found, once Voldemort was defeated, then he would deal with Snape, and once he was done with that, then Harry would allow himself to fall apart.

For distraction, Harry began to swing as high as he could, then he jumped. It felt like he was flying for a moment. For a moment he was up in the air and free and then he landed on his feet, his breath knocked out of him for just a second.

He did it again and again and again. It helped Harry keep away any more thoughts of his miserable four weeks at Privet Drive, helped push back the hurt of his broken trust, the heavy pain, and how much he just really missed his dad through it all, even if it seemed like Severus never really existed in the first place and that hurt, it hurt so much that Harry knew he would never be the same again. He was different now. He felt different, as if he were a shadow of his former self, the version of him that was happy for once with a father who loved him. Now he was numb, he just felt numb all of the time, going through the motions. Harry was learning to live that way, it was easier than breaking down, just ignoring it, shoving it away behind his rebuilding wall.

After that, the next few days turned into a routine. Harry stayed in his room until he would see Uncle Vernon drive away from work, then he would immediately go down to the park, swinging or sitting under the trees, sometimes taking the Daily Prophet or a book to read until it was time to return back to Privet Drive. He always made sure to be back in his room well before his uncle was scheduled to return to avoid them crossing paths.

Harry didn't even think Petunia knew or cared that he was leaving the house for a good few hours each day. She ignored him for most of the time, refusing to look at him whenever they passed each other, and didn't speak to him unless she had to. She pretended like Harry wasn't there, like a ghost who haunted the smallest bedroom in her house.

Dudley was hardly ever seen. It seemed like he was trying to make himself as scarce during the day as Harry was trying to make himself.

And even though it felt a bit depressing to be treated as if he didn't exist, at least for the first week, Harry was successful in staying out of their way, giving Uncle Vernon no reason to punish him.

He was laying in his bed, appearing to be reading his Quiddtich Through the Ages book, his eyes scanning over the familiar words, studying the diagrams, but the information all went meaningless over his head. Harry's thoughts were really on the last time he'd flown his firebolt, it had been with Ginny, and his heart ached from missing her. He not only missed Ginny, but that part of him that was so happy with her, that boy he was only weeks ago when his only worries were about Draco and his task, his arguing best friends, and whether Ginny liked him or not and how much he'd hated perfect Dean Thomas, and the embarrassment of his dads trying to give him the sex talk. How Harry had barely escaped from them with his dignity intact that day, making his face burn with humiliation…

Back when he had two dads who cared to talk to him about that stuff. How happy they were for him when Harry had told them about him and Ginny, and he suddenly remembered the way Severus had leant over and clasped his shoulder with so much pride in his eyes. Looking back, Harry tried to find any sign of the stranger in those depths, but there was nothing but genuine pride, only his dad. How could that have not been real?

Harry wished it was that day again, only to see that look in Severus again, to see his dad, to chase away that stranger who attacked him and spoke to him so coldly and hatefully. He would've given anything, everything…even if it meant that he had to go through the humiliation of the magical birds and the bees again. Knowing what he knew now, the future of his family abruptly ending, Harry would've appreciated Severus and Remus more that day, would not have run off like he did. He would've stayed…he would've stayed…he should've stayed. If Harry could just go back to that day, he wouldn't even try to look for any sign of Severus being false the whole time. Harry just wanted his dad again, to see him, talk to him, believe that he was real, just for a moment...

Harry turned the page of his book, seeing the diagram of a flying trick meant for chasers that Ginny loved to use. He snorted with suppressed laughter at the memory of her practicing it out on the field, then wondered what she was doing that very moment, wishing desperately that he could be at the Burrow with her and Ron, out playing Quidditch in the orchard. Harry felt so far away from them, as if he were on a whole different planet where magic just didn't exist at all. Staying in this house, it always gave the illusion of the magical world being nothing more than a dream.

The door suddenly opened.

Harry dropped the book in his hands, stunned, staring at the person who entered his bedroom without even a knock to announce themselves.

It was Uncle Vernon. His dark beady eyes staring at Harry with suspicion, as if he expected to find Harry doing something he shouldn't be doing.

Harry could only continue to stare at him. He stopped breathing, his heart thumping against his chest a mile a minute.

Remus… He couldn't help but think of his papa who promised to keep watch outside of the house. Was he out there? Was he listening with that werewolf hearing of his? Remus…Remus…Remus….

Harry dared not look at the framed photo on his nightstand. The secret portkey that no one knew about, even the Order. Remus had given it to Harry just in case something like this were to happen, just in case Uncle Vernon laid his hands on him, a quick escape. But to use it, it would bring down the wards. If Remus were to hear Harry being punished by Uncle Vernon or even Aunt Petunia, and he came in with the intention of taking Harry away, it would bring down the wards, leaving the Dursleys vulnerable for the Death Eaters to attack. And Harry realized in that moment as he gaped at Uncle Vernon, his body freezing up with paralyzing fear, that he couldn't bring himself to use the portkey. No matter how horrible his aunt and uncle were to him, even if they decided to punish him, Harry couldn't bear to be the one responsible for their deaths, especially when they never had the choice of taking him into their home sixteen years ago. Dumbledore forced them to in that letter, and Harry understood why his aunt and uncle disliked him so much. They didn't ask for him. He was unwanted, but they kept him anyway and raised him, so the least Harry could do for them was to make sure they didn't die because of him.

"What have you been doing in here?" Uncle Vernon asked with annoyance, breaking their tense spell of silence.

Harry couldn't speak, his hands gripping his book so tight.

"Speak, boy!" Uncle Vernon barked at him.

Harry flinched. "Reading…I'm reading!"

"Don't you get smart with me you little leach! You better not be doing anything you shouldn't be doing in here!"

Uncle Vernon slammed the door open, looking around the room as if he were looking for something or someone. He came in, opening the closet door then turning to glare at Harry who still remained frozen on his bed.

He then slammed Harry's door wide open again. It banged against the wall. "Keep this open!" he snapped out, the loud noise causing Hedwig to screech from her cage. "And shut that ruddy bird up!"

Harry waited until he heard Uncle Vernon going into his own room before jumping out of bed and closing his door shut. If he had a lock, he would have locked the door tight, and he suddenly felt the hum of his accidental magic, the warmth of it offering him comfort. Harry really could lock the door if he wanted to. He had done so, so many times before, especially to Remus and Severus in the middle of all the arguments they'd had, but Harry pushed the thought away, took a deep breath and pushed the warm glow of his magic away. He couldn't use underage magic, he didn't want to deal with the consequences of that.

The Dursleys never liked Harry's door open. When he spent his earlier part of his childhood in the cupboard, then his teenage years in Dudley's second bedroom, the rule was to always keep the door closed. Out of sight and out of mind. That was why the bolts were there, not just from the unfortunate incident with Dobby appearing in Harry's bedroom in second year, it was to lock Harry away either after a punishment, to hide him from guests, or they simply just didn't want him around.

Now he was being scolded for a closed door? It was all very peculiar and Harry wondered if Uncle Vernon had a sane reason for it.

Suddenly Harry found himself gasping for air. He couldn't breathe. His chest was tight. His vision began to darken. He couldn't even hear Hedwig in the background anymore. He lowered himself to the floor, the sturdiness of the wooden floorboards grounding him. His body was shaking hard. He hugged his knees to his chest, burying his face into his lap, trying to calm himself down.

Nothing happened… Nothing happened… He's gone… Harry told himself. He'd been alert for days, constantly listening for Uncle Vernon coming near his room, and still, his uncle had managed to sneak up on him.

What if Uncle Vernon had done more than just shouted at him? What if he'd thought Harry needed to be beaten to get his message across of a sudden open door policy? Maybe Uncle Vernon just needed a reason to threaten Harry, to scare him, to remind him who was the one in charge here? But why did it seem as if he were looking for someone, as if Harry were hiding another person in his room? Whatever the reason was, even if it was just to scare Harry, then it worked, because now Harry was sitting in the middle of his bedroom floor having a full-on panic attack, feeling as if he were going to pass out from the lack of oxygen.

With his breaths fast and short, the monster in the shadows suddenly lurked in the surface of Harry's mind. Shuddering at the memories it brought with it, the fear, the pain, Harry imagined himself rebuilding his brick wall, brick by brick, casting away the monster, casting it all out, everything it brought with it, protecting himself from reaching hands with claws that couldn't grab and hurt him.

He sank his nails deep into his arms as hard as he could until pain bursted from him and Harry felt warm tears slide down his cheeks. He hated how his uncle had this effect on him, how Uncle Vernon could cause Harry to drop to the floor and become this anxiety-ridden mess that he'd managed to always hide so perfectly from everyone. This mess of himself that he'd tried to fix, tried to piece back together again with Remus and Severus…

Dad!

It was hard trying to get through a panic attack without him, remembering the way Severus always held Harry's hand to feel his heartbeat. The steady thumping sound against Severus' chest. How he'd always seemed to Harry so sturdy and safe and grounding and he was there, just always there. The way his dad smelled like the shampoo he used, of his morning coffee and various scents of the herbs he used from brewing in his lab. The gentle voice telling Harry to breathe, just breathe…

Just breathe, son…

Then before Harry could even start to feel himself calming down, the stranger in his dad's body took over. It gleamed through his dad's dark eyes that had once looked at him with such warmth and affection, and Harry could suddenly feel the sting of a fiery slap across his face, see the wand that had once healed all of his self-harm scars, healed the injuries Uncle Vernon had given him when he was first taken to Hogwarts by Severus. Suddenly that very wand was pointing to Harry's chest, ready to attack, ready to hurt him, ready to betray him.

The pressure of not breathing suddenly heightened.

Harry forced himself to stop thinking, it was only adding fuel to his panic attack, and he quickly shut down his mind just like how Severus had taught him.

He imagined the forest of Dean, the campsite he and his dad had set up. Every single detail. How the tent looked, the firepit. The bag of marshmallows that was on the bench and the hedgehog stealing it, disappearing into the bushes with the bag that was bigger than it.

The way Severus' eyes glowed with mischief from the flames as he told Harry a ghost story. It was the first time Severus had laughed, really laughed with Harry, opening up into this whole other person that Harry had no idea existed inside the Potions Professor that was known only to hate him. It sparked something in him, a feeling…

And Harry remembered that feeling. It was a scary realization that maybe he could open up to his Potions Professor, maybe he could try to trust another adult again. That maybe he didn't have to be alone. He didn't have to be this mess that he was inside, always hiding it, pretending that he was okay when really, really he was dying inside. Maybe it didn't have to be that way. Maybe this feeling was more than that, maybe it was hope, a beginning of something that Harry couldn't figure out back then, but now, he knew. It was the possibility of trust forming, but being too afraid to actually work towards it… A feeling that just needed bravery…

He had to be brave.

He wasn't a child anymore.

Then finally…finally Harry took a breath.

A low, relieving breath.

And then another and another and another….

Harry kept breathing.

He kept breathing, holding on to that feeling until his vision began to finally clear. He held on as he tore his nails away from his arms and he locked up that feeling of hope, of wanting to trust, of being afraid and wanting to be brave. Of the Severus Snape he knew as his dad… All of it behind his half-formed brick wall, safe and protected where the stranger with its cold eyes and fiery spell couldn't take them.

---

"Darling… Wake up…"

Remus hadn't been dreaming of anything when that soft voice whispered against his ear, leaving him to shiver from it. He had just been floating in darkness. That was how his dreams sometimes were now, just there in the dark, waiting to wake up, dreaming of nothing…but it was a blissful nothing, better than the dreams he would have of himself in wolf form on that blasted hill that he was so tired of running on, his wolf howling, whimpering, trying to find a way out, wanting its mate, its pack, wanting to find a way out, wanting to find the moon. Remus never did find out what his dreams of chasing that light on the hill ever meant, now the light was gone. Remus wasn't even sure if that black wolf was even on the top waiting for him anymore.

And sometimes the pack whispered to Remus in his dreams, when he was either just floating in the dark or running up that hill as a wolf, they called to him, begged him to come to them, to lead them. He hated that more than the dreams, more than the darkness. They brought forth the emotions of his wolf, so strong, it was as if they were his own…longing to answer to them, wanting to lead them, to belong with them, to run and hunt with them. To become them. Sometimes the wolf's emotions were so strong that when Remus awoke, the wolf would be at his surface, and he always had to take several moments to close his eyes and shove it back down.

For a time it had been Rowan that his wolf wanted, and had suddenly seen as its mate instead of Padfoot. Ever since Rowan had forced the mating bite on Remus… And it made sense, Remus didn't question it at all… But now, nothing made sense anymore… Just before everything had happened…before Severus…before that night… The wolf switched loyalties from Rowan to the black wolf Remus had kept seeing in his dreams. How was that even possible? How could his wolf want another wolf who only existed in dreams? That wolf wasn't real, it was only something Remus' dreaming mind had created.

And that voice whispered to him again, pulling Remus out of his thoughts, pulling him out of his darkness, calling his name… Remus… Remus…

Remus breathed in deeply as he began to feel himself waking up, catching the scents of a familiar shampoo, of freshly brewed coffee and the mixture of herbs often used for brewing potions and cooking, leafy and earthy and comforting, it reminded Remus of the cabin, of home… And for a moment there, just before Remus could fully awake enough to open his eyes, he felt himself being held. Felt strong arms holding him against a warm chest with a beating heart thumping steadily against the side of his face. He felt the ghost of soft lips kissing the crook of his neck, causing Remus to moan out the sudden feeling of butterflies in his stomach.

Was he still dreaming or was this really happening? Was Severus really here with him, holding Remus, kissing him, whispering to him to wake up? And all the terrible things that had recently happened, Severus murdering Dumbledore on the Astronomy tower and then attacking Harry as he fled the castle. The unbearable grief-filled days that passed after… Harry going back to Privet Drive because of the ancient wards, Remus sitting on that roof night after night making sure Dursley didn't touch his cub, only to sleep in the hotel room once he was relieved of his watch… The broken pieces of his guitar that Remus hadn't yet brought himself to pick up from the floor, glaring at them and trying not to just lose himself in a bottle that could take it all away… Forcing himself to eat a bowl of cereal when he remembered to eat, standing alone in the little kitchen nook, his stomach aching with misery and loneliness and heartache and guilt… The darkness hanging over him… All of that… Had it all really just been a terrible nightmare that Remus was finally waking up from? If he opened his eyes, would he be in his bed in his quarters at Hogwarts with Severus beside him? Would he wake up like how he was supposed to that night, only to his Severus and not that stranger, with the sudden summer days at the cabin stretching ahead of them? Would he be home? Would the nightmare go away? His heart squeezed with painful longing at the thought of it.

"Darling… Come on now, I need you to wake up…" Severus' voice whispered in his ear again, his soft breath tickling Remus. It felt so real, so damn real that Remus' heart stuttered with relief.

Thank Merlin all the way to the heavens! To Lily, James and Sirius! Oh, bloody hell, what an imagination I have! It really was all just a terrible nightmare! Remus allowed himself to believe it, reaching out an eager hand, expecting to touch Severus, expecting him to be warm from sleep.

"Morning, love," Remus muttered, his voice slurring from sleep. He felt so exhausted and achy, as if he really had been spending all hours of night after night sitting on the roof of the Dursleys' house. "I've had the most wretched dream…"

"Tell me about it…" Remus could feel more kisses peppering the crook of his neck, he arched it as always, to allow Severus better access. He felt a hand running through his hair, pushing it away from his face before it settled onto the curve of his jaw, cold, slender and gentle hands that he'd missed so much.

He was about to answer Severus, but when he reached out his hand, instead of the soft sheets of his bed in his quarters, Remus felt nothing but scratchy, cold sheets and an empty space. He moved his arm around the bed, searching, searching, and then realizing there was no one beside him. He was alone, and instantly Remus knew…he knew… Before he opened his eyes, Remus smacked his hands against his face and he broke down sobbing.

It was the first time Remus allowed himself to cry hard like that since Harry had found him breaking down on the kitchen floor in Severus' kitchen. And just like that time, Remus' body wracked with the sound of his breaking heart, he couldn't help it. And he just let it all out, that way this could be it and he didn't have to cry like this anymore. Remus was sick of feeling this way… That dream was just so cruel, it had felt so real, and for a moment there, for a moment he'd thought it was… He'd only dreamed of Severus…he'd only dreamed of him… The waking world was the nightmare… Remus was living it.

"Oh, Severus," Remus could only gasp out from his gut-wrenching sobs.

And when his crying finally ceased, turning into short gasps for air, Remus rubbed away the sand in his eyes and the tears. The hotel room came into focus, making his eyes burn with warm tears again, sliding down his cheeks and he wiped them away again with frustration. He was alone…

Remus rolled over to face the nightstand, seeing the muggle clock blinking 11:00 a.m. He still had hours until he was due back at Privet Drive. It would be smart to go back to sleep, but he didn't want to, not after that… As much as Remus wanted to feel Severus like that again, it hurt too much to wake up to the reality of what life was now. To what Severus had been hiding all along…

But as much as he didn't want to go back to sleep, Remus still found himself suddenly drifting off to sleep again. He was just so tired from staying up the past few nights, closing his eyes and feeling himself sink back into a light-sleep… Then he saw those obsidian, dark eyes that he had once loved so very much. Remus watched them turn into the cold, dark eyes of that stranger. The one who shouted, It's over! A voice so different from that deep, gentle voice he'd dreamt of, coaxing him awake. How could a dream feel so real like that? Remus really thought he had felt Severus holding him, touching him, kissing him, whispering to him… He'd felt his breath on his ear, he'd felt Severus' heart beating against him! How could that have not been fucking real! He was going mad! Remus really thought he was. It was like him thinking he'd spotted the black wolf in the parking lot at King's Cross station when he was seeing Harry off with the Dursleys all over again, seeing things that shouldn't be… It was just like how his wolf wanted the black wolf as its mate, but it didn't make any sense because that black wolf shouldn't be real! Remus made that wolf up in his dreams!

I'm going mad, Severus, you've ruined me, truly you have…to the point where I think I'm seeing things! Is this what you've wanted? The whole time, was this your end-goal? To hurt me so greatly that I lose my mind? Well, congrats to you, you've succeeded! You've won! What an act you've pulled! You're so fucking talented!

Remus felt himself sinking, felt the loneliness settling over him, the grief and anger swirling together and becoming so very heavy that he feared he would never rise up from the darkness he was losing himself in. There was no light in sight for him any longer, no more tiny pinprick of light, it had blinked out the moment Remus saw Severus aiming his wand to Harry's chest.

But yet, how could I be angry at him when I was at fault too? How is it possible that I've never really known Severus Snape at all, even though I really thought I did with my whole bloody heart? I really thought I did…

Because suddenly Remus had awoken up in the dead of night and the Severus he had fallen in love with was gone, suddenly Severus wasn't in his bed holding him anymore, asking him to sing to him, suddenly Remus had woken and Severus was that complete stranger with secrets, so many secrets that Remus felt ashamed to admit but, he knew Severus had been keeping them. Remus knew… He'd question them, they'd fought over them and Remus chose to not question them anymore. He was such an idiot to do that. So could he really be angry just at Severus for this when he was at fault for letting those secrets stay between them?

He didn't know what to feel…but Remus remembered that look that was often found in Severus' eyes; Harry had seen it too… The big thing Severus would never speak about, it was always there sitting between them and all Severus would say was to trust him… And Remus had, because he loved him that much and he'd thought Severus had loved Remus as much in return, had really thought that Severus was loyal to the Order of the Phoenix and to Dumbledore, truly thought Severus had seen Harry as his own son…

Severus had really done a good job in making his lies believable, or maybe Remus just chose to ignore all of it and chose to believe him, allowed himself to be blindsided…and always it was that secret in those dark eyes…so really, how could Remus just be angry at Severus when he should be angry at himself for being so easily tricked, for letting his guard down to the first person that showed him affection after Sirius' death?

But even after everything now, even with the anger, through the hurt, through the ache of betrayal, the darkness, through the humiliation and the loneliness, Remus still found himself loving Severus, still found himself craving Severus' touch, still longed to hear his deep voice, still found himself wanting to talk to him and the loneliness of realizing he was gone… Remus just wanted to hold Severus and look into those dark eyes and find him… And he knew he shouldn't be feeling this way, he shouldn't after what Severus had done to him and Harry, to Dumbledore…he shouldn't…

You should've just died…then this would have all been easier…then I could still remember you, love you, mourn you without any guilt… And it was a terrible thought, Remus knew it was… It wasn't the first time he had it… But what could he do? How could he cope? How could he hold onto himself after such a terrible betrayal?

How do I just stop loving you, like you did with me?

Remus suddenly gasped from the heaviness. He wanted to fight it, wanted to pull himself out from under it, but he didn't feel strong enough. He didn't feel strong anymore, only shattered pieces of what he used to be. Severus had made sure of that. And getting out of bed, it was such a simple task that suddenly felt like the greatest of all. To face another day of seeing Harry stuck in Privet Drive, another day knowing how much Severus had really hated Remus and Harry all along, that he'd felt trapped with them.

Did you ever even really love me? Did you, Severus? Was there ever a moment that maybe you could? Was there any spark of truth in all of your lies?

Remus wanted the answer to those questions, even though he knew the answers to them could be devastating. He thought of the darkness in his dreams, of how he woke up really thinking Severus was holding him, whispering in his ear like a ghost as he slept, of possibly seeing the black wolf in his dreams when he was awake, how that wolf always reminded Remus of Severus… It was like Remus' mind was detoxing from Severus… That could explain it all… I think I really am going mad…

Do you really hate me that much?

Severus had to… No amount of bullying from their school years could never have equaled up to what Severus had done… This kind of revenge, this kind of pain, Severus really had to hate him, wanted Remus to break inside, to die inside, to lose himself in the worst possible way where it would hurt the most because Severus knew it would…

After everything…

Severus knew how hard it had been for Remus to let go of his love for Sirius and move on from their broken relationship, to allow himself to fall in love so deeply like that again for Severus and tear down his walls. After everything, Severus knew… He knew the cost of Remus falling for him, Severus knew exactly what he was doing, and he made sure it all happened again! Remus wrote a fucking song about it! Severus knew and still did it with every intention of destroying Remus in the worst possible way. That was why Remus was so sure that Severus wanted him dead, hated him so very much, including Harry who had struggled so hard into allowing himself to trust Severus again after how he'd grown up with the Dursleys, and to be betrayed like that! Did Severus really hate Harry that much as well? And that thought stabbed Remus right in the fucking heart!

Instead of you dying, then maybe you should've just killed me… There were so many chances to do it… It would've just been easier… But you knew that didn't you? You just wanted to take everything from me, you wanted worse than death for me, you wanted to destroy me!

That thought crushed Remus, it made him angry. It was as if this had all been an act for Severus, a show he'd put on, playing with the heartstrings of Remus and Harry. Severus had said they were family, Remus believed him, Harry believed him. Severus had said that he loved them no matter what, no matter what…he'll always love them… But even this? But Remus couldn't believe that…not after something as bad as this…there was no way…everything was gone…and Harry was left alone by another adult he'd trusted…and Remus was now just a fool with a broken heart again.

Remus ended up staying awake in bed for hours, only getting up for the restroom and the occasional drink of water. He ignored the voices telling him that he should eat or shower, ignored the darker voice wanting him to drink and take away all of the depressing bad thoughts rumbling in his head. He kept the curtains closed, not wanting to see any sort of light. Remus just wanted to lay in the gloomy bedroom as he replayed every single memory he had of Severus, still trying to find any sign of who he really was… Trying and finding nothing as always… Severus was always so talented, keeping up that mask of his, hiding who he was… And when the clock began to blink at 3:00 p.m and his stomach started to ache with hunger, Remus finally forced himself up, ate a bowl of cereal then prepared to leave for Privet Drive.

If it weren't for Harry keeping him going, Remus was sure that he would've just wasted away here until he died… Fading into nothing… A slow, painful death just as what Severus wanted for him….

.

.

Remus appeared in the neighborhood with a loud pop. The sun was bright and beating down on him from high in the sky. He was here hours early before his shift at seven, but Remus missed his cub. Even though he couldn't show himself to Harry, it was just enough to be near him, to know that he was safe. And with the summer heat scorching the back of his neck, Remus made his way to the Dursleys' house.

It was when Remus was passing a park, he was surprised to spot Harry suddenly ahead of him coming out from it. Remus' eyes widened at seeing his cub, thankful that he had the sense to put on the Disillusionment Charm over himself before he'd started walking. Remus scented the air, wondering if there were any Order members following Harry, hoping his cub wasn't walking the neighborhood unprotected, to his relief, Remus scented Fred nearby.

Remus didn't announce his presence to the Weasley twin, staying far behind and silent, making sure his footsteps were quiet. He observed Harry as they walked to Privet Drive, wondering what was going on in his head as they walked together, wondering how his cub was mentally coping, noticing how down-hearted and miserable Harry looked with his hands in his pockets and walking slowly. It was hard to not just run up to him, to stop him from walking and just pull him into a tight hug, to look into his eyes and remind Harry that he was here, Remus was here, and Harry wasn't as alone as he was feeling at the moment… But Remus couldn't do any of those things, and he didn't, he just continued keeping his distance, guilt-ridden, sad and worried all mixed together until they reached the house and Remus couldn't do anything but just forlornly watch his cub go inside.

Once the door closed, Remus right away sensed Fred's scent mingling with George's, their scents growing stronger by the wall of the garage in the shady part of the driveway.

"Fred, George, it's me," Remus said, alerting himself to them. "It's Remus."

"Blimey! You made my heart jump!" Fred or George exclaimed, but only loud enough so only his twin and Remus could hear.

"Same here, mate, we need to figure out a better way of hiding ourselves, but not from each other, cus blimey this is getting ridiculous. Fred also gave me a fright when he'd returned just now," George said, allowing Remus to figure out it was Fred who'd spoken first.

"Hmm… That's an idea, George, an invisible shield or charm that allows you to choose who can see you and who cannot…"

"Sounds like a brilliant idea, could be useful too," Remus put in.

"You're early, Remus, it's only past three," Fred or George suddenly pointed out.

"I know, I'm hours early, you don't mind if I join you? You don't have to leave."

"Of course we don't mind," the twins both said together.

Judging from where their voices were coming from, it seemed as if they were sitting down with their backs against the wall. Remus sat near them after guessing where exactly they were to avoid an embarrassing accident of sitting on one of them.

"How long was Harry at the park?" Remus asked them.

"Just after Dursley left for work, it had to be around eight to nine… Harry's been going there for the past few days. Always returning well before Dursley returns… At least that's what dad's told us."

"What does he do there?" Remus asked with concern, hoping Harry wasn't using the park as a place to harm himself without his aunt around to see.

"Just swings mostly…takes the Daily Prophet with him most times, that's what he did today." Remus guessed it was Fred who was speaking. "He's having a tough time being stuck here, poor kid. I know I would go completely bonkers just living here for five minutes with those muggles."

"At least Harry's not hiding in his room all day anymore," George said, "Mum was starting to worry."

"Of course…" Remus could only say back. He didn't speak much after that, just sat with the twins in silence, listening to their whispering chatter and only answering them when they would ask him something.

The last of the afternoon soon began to pass and the sun was now setting. Dursley arrived back home, pulling his car into the driveway, ignorant of Remus, George and Fred all sitting against his garage wall.

"Well, it's officially your shift now, Remus," Fred or George said. "We'll leave you to it, Kingsley should be here any minute to keep you company."

Remus said his goodbyes to them and once he couldn't catch their scents anymore, he stood up, stretching his legs and walking around the house, stepping quietly as he heard the Dursleys having dinner, minus their son and Harry, who was up in his room.

He used a Levitation Charm to get himself up on the roof. It was the perfect place to hear if anything should happen during the night, if Dursley should decide to enter Harry's room to beat him like he used to do or if Harry decided to cut his arm up at night. The Order all thought Remus to be strange to station himself up there, all of them preferring to keep watch from the ground, but they didn't know… They didn't know about Harry's monster in the shadows, didn't know about his struggles with self-harm, although Remus knew Arthur and Molly had an idea of it, they were the only ones who didn't give him trouble about it, the only ones who sat with him when they were assigned together.

Remus settled himself near Harry's window, it was there that the roof was sloped but not enough for Remus to fall. The structure of the window sticking out gave him a place to sit without any of the muggles or Harry hearing him, and Remus couldn't see Harry, giving him his privacy still.

Breathing in the scents of the cooling breeze, the sky growing dark enough for the stars to finally peak through the glow of the streetlamps, the Dursleys were now finished with dinner. Harry was still in his room, Remus had his ears pricked for any possible signs of self-harm or even signs of him eating anything from the care packages Molly had sent him, remembering how much trouble his cub had when it came to eating when he was under a lot of stress.

"Remus…" It was Kingsley, who knew where to find him.

Remus heard his approaching footsteps, the sounds of Kingsley sitting beside him along with his scent suddenly stronger.

"How's it been here?" The deep voice of the Auror asked him.

"Quiet, Harry's been in his room all evening. Fred and George told me he's been going to the park during the day."

"Yes, don't worry about it, we have one person following him while the other stays here," Kingsley said, then continued in a concerned voice, "You came to your shift hours early."

"Yeah, I had nothing else to do," Remus shrugged, then remembered that Kingsley couldn't see him.

"You should be using that time to rest, have you had anything to eat today at least?"

Wondering why Kinglsey was suddenly so concerned about him eating and resting, Remus nodded, then sighed out with frustration, "A bowl of cereal." Wishing Kingsley could just go back to his usual spot which was across the street, sitting on the neighbor's garden wall, leaving Remus be. He didn't need anyone to babysit him, to make sure he was taking care of himself. Remus was taking care of himself, well as much as he could anyway. In truth, he was barely hanging on, but he wasn't going to go and tell Kingsley that. Last thing Remus needed was Kingsley forbidding him from keeping watch at Privet Drive due to being seen as unfit.

But before Kingsley could badger him on anything else, their conversation was cut short by the sound of Harry's bedroom door being slammed open, followed by Dursley's booming voice, "What are you doing in here?"

Remus stiffened, holding his wand out, gripping it tight, his ears pricked and a growl suddenly rumbling in his throat.

"Lupin…" Kingsley said slowly with warning.

"Speak boy!"

At that, Remus stood up so fast he would have fallen off the roof if Kingsley hadn't been lucky enough to grab him without seeing him, holding Remus in place.

"Don't you dare do anything rash and blow our cover!" the Auror quietly hissed at him.

"Reading, I'm reading!" Harry stuttered out with fear.

"Let me go!" Remus growled out, fighting out of Kingsley's grip and trying to keep his balance on the roof.

Luckily at the same time as Remus growled out, Dursley shouted out, masking his voice. "Don't you dare get smart with me you little leech! You better not be doing anything you shouldn't be doing in here!"

Remus continued to struggle with Kingsley, trying to wrench himself free of him. Kingsley quietly cursing, trying to calm Remus down. Since Harry had arrived back to Privet Drive, everything had been quiet. Harry mostly stayed in his room, keeping to himself during the evenings when Remus' watch began every night. Vernon Dursley had left Harry alone until now, and Remus was ready. He warned Dursley of the consequences! He wanted to go in through that window and scare him as much as he was scaring Harry, just as Remus had promised the wretched muggle when he'd threatened him at the King's Cross station parking lot.

A door suddenly slammed again, causing Remus to fight out of Kingsley's grasp more desperately.

"Let me go!" he growled out again. The full-moon wasn't far off, it was coming just before Harry's birthday and he could feel it growing stronger each night. He was sure the wolf could be seen in his eyes, he could hear it in his voice. It was growing agitated from Remus' emotions, but what bothered him was that it wasn't getting triggered from Harry being in danger like it used to get, like how it got when Harry was in danger with Greyback. This time it was as if Harry wasn't a part of his wolf's pack anymore, had it changed its allegiance from his cub to Greyback's pack? Just like the whole mate situation? That thought terrified Remus.

"Remus, stop!" Kingsley shouted as loud as he could without Dursley and Harry hearing him. They didn't, they still had no idea of what was happening outside of Harry's window.

Another bang, and a "Keep this open!" along with Hedwig screeching in the room, hiding the small ruckus Remus was causing. "And shut that ruddy bird up!"

Then Dursley left the room, causing Harry to fall into a panic attack. Remus could hear his cub gasping for breath, and Remus felt his heart break for not being able to help him through it, to leave him there alone.

With one arm grasping onto Remus tightly, Kingsley dragged him off the roof, levitating them down and dragging him away from the house, as far as they could so the Dursleys wouldn't hear them Disapparate, Remus fought him every step of the way.

"No, Kingsley, no! I can't leave him like that!"

"Lupin! Calm yourself!" Kingsley shouted. "You're going to get our cover blown for sure!"

Remus didn't answer him, only continued to fight him, but Kingsley's grip was tight, even with Remus' added werewolf strength, he couldn't shake the Auror off him. Then he suddenly felt as if all the air in his body was being squeezed out of him or as if someone were trying to stuff him into a glass bottle, a loud pop hurting his sensitive werewolf eardrums and suddenly Remus was landing with Kingsley just outside the wards of the Burrow.

"What the fuck, Kingsley!" Remus shouted as loud as he could, the words ending in a growl and for once he didn't care.

Remus didn't care if he was overreacting, if he lost a bit of control with his wolf. That muggle had scared the shit out of Harry enough to leave him gasping for breath, and Kingsley just forced Remus to leave him! What if Dursley changed his mind right now and decided to beat Harry while they were here! Or what if Harry decided to cut himself up to pull himself out of his panic attack? What if he was cutting right now,and Remus was here?!

He took the Disillusionment Charm off of himself, walking straight up to Kingsley who had done the same, reappearing in front of him. Remus pointed his wand to him, "Take me back there right now! Take me back, no one is watching him! Why the fuck did you take me away from him!"

Kingsley didn't move, didn't raise his wand, only glared at Remus with frustration and concern, but funnily enough, not anger… "Because you're not in your right mind! You were going to get us discovered by the muggles and any possible Death Eaters standing outside of the wards! Now, stand down, take your wand off of me, Lupin!"

Remus glared at him, but still lowered his wand.

Molly and Arthur must've felt their presence outside the wards, must've heard the commotion from their house, they had stepped out and were now heading towards Remus and Kingsley.

"Remus, Kingsley, are you alright?" Arthur asked out with concern once he reached them, his eyes traveled first to Kingsley then to Remus, giving Remus a worried frown.

"Arthur, I need you to go and watch Privet Drive tonight, I'll join you in a moment. It's nothing to worry about, Lupin is just exhausted and he needs to rest."

"I'm not exhausted," Remus told him, his voice shaking. Harry is alone, he's alone fighting just to breathe! What if he's hurting himself and I'm not there!

"Of course, I'll do that right away," Arthur only said, looking cautiously between the two before Disapparating.

"Let me go back!" Remus suddenly snarled, feeling his fangs grow a bit longer, sharper, he closed his mouth. He had tried to say those words a bit more calmly but he failed. The wolf hated Remus' panicked and angry feelings, it hated them and it wanted control. Remus squashed it down, but he knew it was still shining in his eyes.

Molly's eyes widened as he spoke.

And suddenly shame coursed through Remus. He was acting mad, he was losing control of his wolf, letting it show. Showing Kingsley and Molly that he wasn't fully human like them. Remus took a deep breath, suppressing the wolf down even more. He didn't want Molly to look at him like that, like a dangerous animal. Remus tried not to imagine how it would've looked to Harry if he had barged into his room like the monster he was and attacking Dursley…scaring Harry even more… Maybe it was lucky for Remus that Kingsley had been there to hold him back from doing anything he would regret, but Remus immediately pushed that thought away. He didn't even want to admit it to himself that Kingsley was in the right tonight and he was in the wrong.

"Lupin, you look as dead on your feet as does an inferi, you've been doing the night-watch non-stop since Harry arrived at that house, and dear Merlin you need to eat something that isn't cereal! Start bloody taking care of yourself! You're no good to Harry or the Order if you're just allowing yourself to waste away."

Remus glared at Kingsley, "Or what? You can't tell me what to eat, and you sure as hell can't forbid me from watching over my own son! I promised Harry I'll be out there!"

"I'm not forbidding you of anything! I just want you to get some rest tonight, take a break then tomorrow night you can go back. I expect to see you here before you leave, don't forget we have an Order meeting tomorrow."

"You don't understand, I don't need rest, I need to watch him…to make sure that Muggle doesn't…!" Remus stopped himself from saying too much, the same time as Molly shouted, "Remus!" and Kingsley shouted, "Get some rest, Lupin, that is an order!"

The word order lingered between them.

"Fuck you!" Remus half shouted, half growled, and he knew his eyes were completely amber, knew they could see him visibly shaking with anger. Knew they could see him struggling to control his raging, howling wolf inside. It hated the emotions going through him. Remus always hated how the wolf reacted to them, he couldn't just feel without having to fight for control.

Kingsley only stared at him, his face still etched with that awful concern and frustration, but Remus saw it as pity and he hated it, it made shame course through him again… Suddenly he felt as if Kingsley knew, as if Molly knew, just how close he and Severus had really been to each other, as if they were suddenly seeing the fool Remus was for falling in love with a Death Eater.

"Oh! Now there's no need for that, Remus! Arthur is there with Harry now!" Molly spoke first, breaking the sudden tense silence.

"Molly's right, Arthur and I are capable as much as you are in keeping Harry safe," Kingsley said calmly, but with warning.

Remus only shook his head with frustration, unable to say anymore. He didn't want to betray Harry's secrets. That meant he had to trust Kingsley and Arthur.

"Remus, take Kingsley's advice, you do look so exhausted…" Molly said, putting a hand on his shoulder, probably wanting to calm him down but Remus only flinched away, not wanting to be touched. He knew Kinglsey was still watching him carefully.

"Get some rest, Lupin," and before either of them could say another word, Kingsley Disapparated.

Once the Auror was gone, Remus felt his anger deflate. How could he have been so stupid and reckless? Kingsley was right to bring him here, he could've accidentally taken the ancient wards down by pulling Harry out of there. And he was lucky that they didn't hear him or Kingsley, he could have given their positions away. Now he was facing another long night alone in that ruddy hotel room. The thought of being there alone, Remus suddenly couldn't bear it.

"Remus, would you like to stay here tonight? I could make you a cup of tea, and there's leftovers from dinner. You can stay in Percy's room."

Remus turned his gaze to her, the sound of that, well it was better than what was waiting for him back at the muggle hotel room, nothing but a cold empty bed and a pub around the corner that Remus has been avoiding, nothing but cold cereal and his thoughts, nothing but him replaying old memories and searching for any signs of that stranger in Severus, in his Severus… Remus' heart ached and he felt his eyes burn a bit but he didn't let the tears fall, he held on to his composure, not allowing Molly to see that he was falling apart inside.

Suddenly, Remus was afraid of being alone. He felt his hands start to shake a bit, felt himself start to think how good it might feel to lose himself to a bottle right now. To forget about the pain he'd felt this morning, the ache of missing Severus, and the fear and guilt for Harry, all of it, losing control and the way Kingsley and Molly had looked at him, to just give in and feel nothing for just a while. But Remus shoved those thoughts away as enticing as they sounded, forcing himself to accept Molly's hospitality.

He felt himself start to sway a bit, exhaustion suddenly hitting him hard, but Molly saw, she was quick and she steadied Remus, leading him to the Burrow. "Oh, come on, dear," she only said.

.

.

When Remus awoke, the warmth and light of the sun was beaming down on him from the window, causing him to blink open his eyes. He felt like he'd been sleeping for days. His mouth was dry with a bad taste, and he had a headache blossoming from behind his eyes.

Wondering what time it was, Remus reached out and grabbed his wand from the night table and whispered, "Tempus." The numbers 4:00 p.m floated above Remus then faded away.

Bloody hell, he must've been really exhausted to have slept the rest of the night and most of the day away, or was there a possibility that Molly put something into his tea last night, knocking him out? But even with his flicker of annoyance at the thought of that, Remus couldn't be fully upset with her. He did feel well rested and ready for another night keeping watch at Privet Drive.

Remus took his time getting dressed, showering and putting on the same clothes he'd worn last night. His favorite muggle jeans, a band t-shirt and a set of brown robes.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, running a hand through his wet hair, seeing how tired he looked, Remus saw how his face was so pale, causing his scars to stand out more. The circles under his eyes were only a sign to all of his sleepless nights and his trouble with sleeping during the day. Remus hated his reflection. He hated seeing the way he looked so haunted and tired and broken, and how hard it was to hide it, the fact that he was failing at it. He hated that Severus did this to him, that Remus was so wretched and weak to allow Severus to break him so easily.

The wolf was in Remus' eyes, gold flecks scattered in hazel, yet the wolf was quiet and content at the moment. Remus wondered again of the peculiarity of it changing its allegiance. He didn't like that, he didn't like that his wolf was no longer loyal to Harry as its cub, no longer seeing Padfoot as its mate, or Prongs and Lily as pack members. Maybe it gave up waiting for them, searching for them, longing for them, and that, Remus could understand, but he knew it wasn't the reason, wished it could be….

His gaze traveled to the mating bite on the side of his neck, the raised pink scar in the shape of a bite that didn't quite look like it was from a human. Remus had a feeling that was the cause of his wolf changing its allegiance… Rowan's mating bite… The only way to get rid of it was for Rowan to give the mating bite to another wolf or for Remus to do the same, to reject him or to kill him. Remus didn't think he could even imagine himself doing either, it made him feel sick.

Remus pointed the tip of his wand to the scar, remembering the terrible Christmas night he'd gotten it. Remembering how sick it had made him, the shock and the disgust he had felt over himself for allowing it to happen. The painful ache of Severus being there for him that night, how he'd torn that wine bottle out of Remus' hands… Severus never judged Remus for giving into drinking that night. He was so understanding, reminding Remus that he was there to talk, to listen, that everything was going to be okay…

How could that have not been real? How could anyone fake that?

And that conversation they had on the porch swing, Remus remembered how exhausted, scared and guilt-ridden Severus looked that night. Had that been real? Had those emotions he'd read in Severus been real or was it all just an act? But Remus remembered looking into those dark, obsidian eyes with a painful clench in his stomach. There was no mask that night, no act, Remus was so sure of it. It had only been Severus, his Severus, they had said no walls…or so Remus had thought…

Was that all really just Severus pretending, just to hurt Remus in the cruelest way possible?

The way they had sat out there in the biting cold, the relief Remus had felt when Severus returned and how Severus had held him…

That memory stabbed through Remus so deep, he gasped out, his body shaking. It hurt to remember Severus that night, how he'd begged Remus to let him in, to talk to him, no walls between them, to let him see that bite so he could heal him, to allow Severus to love him…

All for what? All for this? All for betrayal? All so you could show me just how much you really hate me!

Severus' voice echoed in Remus' head…"You are mine, you belong with me… And you're human. Let me love you, Remus, let me take care of you…"

All of it was a lie, and Remus was a fool to have ever believed Severus, to ever let himself fall so deeply for someone who used to hate him, who still hated him….

Remus bowed his head, closing his eyes tight as he worked on gaining control of his heavy breathing. And once he was able to, he looked at his reflection again, glaring at himself instead, mentally ordering himself to pull himself together. The Glamour Charm was now in place and hiding the hideous scar.

Remus made his way downstairs, hearing the voices of the gathering Order members from the kitchen, and just before Remus was able to enter it, the memory of last night rammed into him like a bludger, and suddenly he was to shy and ashamed to enter it, not ready to face Kingsley after their argument, or Molly after witnessing it. But the sudden rumbling of his stomach forced Remus to move his feet forward, and when he entered the kitchen everyone briefly stopped conversing with each other, pausing to look at him then turning away again. Remus felt his cheeks heat up, averting his gaze and feeling extremely self-conscious as he poured himself a cup of tea. The coffee pot on the stove along with its scent of it being freshly brewed made Remus turn around, leaning his back against the counter, his stomach churning from the scent and his sudden nerves, no longer feeling hungry.

Remus knew he was being stupid. They didn't know anything about him and Severus, only that they were close colleagues, and only some knew he was co-parenting Harry with Severus, but that was about it. They didn't know how much Remus had fallen for Severus. They didn't know how much of a fool Remus was… They didn't know, but it felt like they did, and the shame of it, it was coursing through Remus, making him not want to greet them as he normally would, making him self-conscious, and so he stayed where he was, drinking his tea and keeping to himself.

"Remus, love, how are you doing?"

Molly was the first one that came to him. Remus guessed he must be looking frightful to everyone in the room, recalling his observations on himself in the mirror. He couldn't blame them.

"Better… Thank you for last night, Molly… I guess I really needed your good food and rest. I just didn't think I'll sleep the whole day, I must've been more exhausted then I've realized…" Then with a raised eyebrow and in a light-hearted voice did he ask, "You didn't put anything in my tea, did you?"

Molly gave him a guilty smile, "Oh, just a Calming Draught, but it was all you, you just needed sleep."

Remus only nodded his thanks to her good intentions, sipping his tea, not knowing what else to say anymore, not really wanting to. He avoided her obvious look of concern, knowing Molly wanted to keep talking to him, but Remus didn't have the energy to keep a conversation going. He really just wanted to be left alone with his cup of tea.

Molly sighed and picked up an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter and placed it into his hand. "Eat, let me know if you would like anything else, I'll cook you up whatever you want."

"You're so kind, Molly, but I don't want to take up any more of your hospitality." Remus held up the apple and his cup of tea. "This is sufficient enough." And to make a point, even though Remus didn't really feel much like eating, he bit into the apple.

As Remus chewed and swallowed it, Molly reached up with a sigh of concern, patting his cheek with motherly affection before going to join Arthur who was speaking to Kingsley.

Remus stayed where he was, finishing up the apple then washing his hands. He was just pouring himself another cup of tea when Moody came in, followed by Tonks. She spotted Remus, then turned away, her cheeks suddenly blushing as much as Remus felt his were as Tonks followed behind her mentor. Both were dressed in their Auror robes.

Guilt washed over Remus as he purposely kept his gaze away from Tonks. Since that night, they hadn't seen each other or even spoken, not even by owl post, and it was hard. Remus missed her, he missed their friendship, the way it used to be before it got so screwed up. Tonks had seen how messed up Severus had made Remus that night, saw him crying out in his sleep from the nightmares that'd plagued him. She knew how much Remus had loved Severus and how he'd really believed that Severus had deeply loved Remus in return. Tonks had seen how they were with each other, seen how it was so easy to believe that their relationship had been true.

Because of that, Remus knew he wasn't really as crazy as he was feeling inside.

That thing between Remus and Severus, it had been there, Tonks saw it, and she tried to be there for Remus when it all fell apart, when Remus fell apart, tried to put back the pieces for him… And all he'd done in return was take advantage of Tonks and the feelings she had for Remus, the very feelings he knew she was trying to get over.

Remus knew he should try to talk to her. Their fallout was really his fault, but he didn't know how. Maybe it was better that their friendship was over now. Tonks really didn't need someone like him bringing her down. She was young, she was smart, with a bright future ahead of her after the war. Remus was nothing but an old washed-up werewolf, full of scars and trauma, leader to a pack of monsters, claimed as another wolf's mate, forever lost in his own darkness. Tonks didn't need any of that. Remus could never give her what she wanted from him, he couldn't fall in love again, not anymore, not after what Severus had done. That just wasn't in the cards for Remus anymore. And after what Remus and Tonks had done together, there was no way their friendship could ever go back to the way it was. And he remembered the promise he made to himself on the Weasley's back stoop Christmas night, how he wasn't going to push Tonks away as a friend anymore unless it was her choice in the matter, but that…that couldn't be anymore. Remus had to forget that. Their friendship was already gone.

Remus didn't move, he stayed by the counter, finishing up his second cup of tea, politely greeting people who came to him, but still mostly keeping to himself.

Poppy had been the next one to greet Remus, affectionately patting his shoulder. This was the first time they've seen each other since Remus left Hogwarts. The Hogwarts medi-witch asked Remus how he was doing, not mentioning Severus. They both didn't. Remus only answered her with short, vague answers, knowing Poppy had once considered Severus as a close colleague and perhaps even a friend, that she may still be hurting over his betrayal, trying to make sense of it as Remus was. Poppy was one of the few who knew about Severus and Remus being together, and had seen for herself how happy they had made each other. Perhaps Poppy knew that nothing she could say would help at all, and Remus appreciated that. It made him feel less shameful, less embarrassed, less foolish for falling in love with his once school enemy and Death Eater. At least Poppy understood a bit why he didn't feel much like talking, instead they had a short conversation on his plans for the next approaching full-moon.

Then once the conversation was over, Poppy said so quietly that only he could hear, "Remus, if there's anything, you know… I was close to him too… Just know if you need to talk, my office at Hogwarts is always open to you."

Remus only nodded, not saying anything in return, not encouraging their conversation to go any further than that, leaving Poppy to give him a concerned and affectionate look before making her way to Sprout and Flitwick.

Minerva came after that, giving Remus a pat on his shoulder just as Poppy had done. She asked how he was doing, if he was taking care of himself. Remus gave the same short, vague responses like he had with Poppy and Molly, answers that didn't have any invitation for an actual conversation. This was also the first time Remus spoke to Minerva since he'd left Hogwarts as well and he could see the concern from her, she was another person who knew that Remus and Severus had been close colleagues, she used to always see them together eating in the Great Hall, knew they both co-parented Harry. Remus knew she was wondering about how he was dealing with Severus' betrayal. Remus wondered the same for Minerva as well, she was the only professor at Hogwarts Severus had considered a friend. She was betrayed too, just like himself, just like Harry and Poppy and Albus… Remus then watched Minerva join the other Hogwarts professors after she gave him another tight-lipped smile full of concern.

Vector arrived with the last of the Order members, and Remus wondered if he knew what he and Tonks had done, if Vector was angry at him for hurting Tonks that way, but Remus guessed he didn't because the Arithmancy Professor greeted Remus with his easy smile, friendly blue eyes and a hug. The only one who dared to give him one. At first, Remus stiffened inside his arms but then he relaxed, hugging Vector in return before letting go.

"How are you doing, Remus, you look exhausted."

"The night shifts at Privet Drive are getting a bit taxing, but it's nothing I can't handle," Remus said.

Then Vector's demeanor grew from friendly to serious as he observed Remus. "Take care of yourself, okay? I never understood why but I knew how close friends you and Snape were…"

Remus frowned, looking away. "Can we not, please?" He could feel Vector's eyes boring into him.

"Hey, Tonks and I are planning to take a night off and let off some steam in a pub, would you want to join? It'll be like old times, yeah? And we can all update each other with what's going on… Even if you're not drinking anymore, we'll just get you hopped up on caffeine and sugar instead."

Remus snorted at the thought of that. It sounded tempting to take the invitation and he would've too if not for the ugly thing between him and Tonks now. And he thought about telling Vector the truth of why he was denying it, Vector deserved to know, not to be lied to, but Remus couldn't do it. He couldn't risk losing that friendly smile. It was enough that he'd lost both Severus and Tonks within days of each other.

"It sounds tempting, it really does, I just can't right now I'm sorry."

Vector nodded, his blue eyes now full of sadness and concern.

"It's okay, mate, I'll hold you up on next time… Just please, take care of yourself. I'm going to say hi to Tonks, okay?"

Remus nodded, letting him go, wondering the likeliness of a next time once Tonks decided to tell Vector what had happened.

"Alright everyone, quiet down now so we can get this meeting started and over with!" Moody suddenly shouted, quieting everyone instantly.

And the meeting began… Everyone went over their missions, then talked about the most recent attacks. The houses with the dark marks glowing above them in the sky and the muggle families that were either found dead or were now missing. The death toll was getting higher, Remus realized with the same concern and fear that was coming from everyone else. Also Diagon Alley had been attacked, Ollivander kidnapped, most of the stores in the alley were now boarded up and closed.

That new information brought a shocked silence to the meeting, until Moody brought out Rita Skeeter's new book he'd picked up just before arriving at the Burrow. Everyone grimaced at the lies they knew that were inside there, all wondering if it was even worth reading, if it was nothing but an insult to Dumbledore's memory… The old Auror ended up tossing it into the rubbish bin.

"Bill, the full-moon is coming up, what are your reports on Greyback and Rowan? I take it that Charlie is on their tail as we speak."

Remus kept his eyes on Kingsley and Bill, ignoring the people who turned their heads to him at the mention of the full-moon.

"Yes, they are currently at Malfoy Manor. Charlie's there watching the entrance. They haven't been to their pack for weeks, they've been there ever since the attack on Hogwarts. Charlie and I fear that You-Know-Who has made some sort of deal with their pack, it wouldn't be good if they have that pack on their side, especially if this war ends with a full-on battle. That could mean…"

Bill didn't finish, but there was no need to. They all knew what he meant. Everyone on their side was in danger of that pack.

Moody's magical blue eye suddenly focused itself on Remus who had paled at Bill's report. He was suddenly reminded of the mission Dumbledore had wanted him to take, he wondered if Moody and Kingsley knew about it, what they thought about him not taking the mission, did they want him to? Were they thinking of him as a coward and selfish for not taking the mission? But at the thought of taking leadership of that pack, the thought of having to steer them away from Voldemort, Remus shuddered at what he would have to give up to do it, his humanity, well what's left of it. He couldn't, he couldn't, and maybe they were right to think him a coward. He stayed quiet, during the rest of the meeting, not saying a word.

"Do you think they would try to attack another victim this month?" Kingsley asked.

"Most likely not, they may be too busy with You-Know-Who now, but we aren't letting our guards down, we'll still keep watch on them and let you know right away if anything changes. In the meantime, it's time we start thinking about looking for that pack again," Bill suggested. "If we find them, then we can possibly figure out what You-Know-Who's plans are going to be for them…"

"Good point, Bill," Moody said, his gaze looking around the room, but his blue eye stayed on Remus. "Is there anyone who is willing to go on a werewolf hunt?"

Remus looked away. No one raised their hand. It was silent in the Weasley's kitchen again. Remus couldn't blame them, getting too close to that pack was a huge possibility of getting caught and killed or possibly bitten. No one in this room was that reckless with their lives to agree to such a mission, even if it was for the cause. And Remus knew Moody had really meant that question to be for him. He wanted Remus to take the mission, and the only reason why Remus didn't raise his hand for it was Harry. It was Harry. Remus had promised his cub no more stupid, dangerous missions like that, and right now, Harry needed him more than ever. Remus couldn't do that to his cub again, leaving him like that, but underneath that excuse was the fear of being so near that pack, of seeing them, feeling his wolf sing for them. Their whispers and cries in Remus' dreams, calling to him… He felt the apple and tea churn in his stomach, felt them start to come back up. Remus forced himself to take deep and calm, steady breaths to prevent himself from being sick in front of everyone.

Moody frowned, his blue eye then swiveling to another point in the room. "Give some time to think about it, we'll come back to discussing this mission at the next meeting."

"One more thing…" Kingsley said. "I just want to go over the rules when you're keeping watch at Privet Drive."

That brought Remus' attention back to Kingsley and Moody, he glared at Kingsley, silently daring the Auror to call him out in front of everyone about what had happened last night. He knew Kingsley was only going over the rules again because of Remus.

"It's essential that you are not seen or heard when you're keeping watch. We can't have the muggles seeing or hearing you, then calling their authorities. We can't afford a scene being caused because we won't be able to use magic on them without alerting the Ministry, that's the last thing we need is the Ministry at Privet Drive. We can't fully trust them anymore, it's only a matter of time before they are infiltrated, probably already are as we speak..."

Worried voices filled the room at that.

"And no talking to Potter either, he's gotta be there at least up until the week of his birthday, the longer those ancient wards are up the better, so constant vigilance!" Moody's voice rose above the commotion. "And if you do hear anything going on in that house, alert me or Kingsley. Don't go in the house, don't do anything. We can't risk the wards going down or risk you being seen, don't let that happen!"

Moody's blue eye was on Remus again. He frowned and looked away again.

Everyone nodded their understanding. "And Potter has been going to the park, remember the rules, always do your watch in pairs. One follows Potter, the other stays behind to guard the wards and the house! Meeting adjourned!" Moody finished.

Taking advantage of the distraction of everyone leaving, Remus quickly pulled out Rita Skeeter's book from the rubbish bin, using his wand to clean it and shrink it, tucking it away into his pocket.

"Lupin, a word!" Moody called out to him.

Remus inwardly groaned, preparing himself for a lecture from the leaders of the Order of the Phoenix. He was sure Kingsley had told Moody what had happened last night. Tonks pushed past him with Vector who stopped to bid him goodbye, and to say good luck with Moody. Tonks pretended that she didn't see him, causing Vector to give her a strange and concerned look as he followed her out. Her dismissive behavior towards Remus stung him, but he couldn't blame her for it.

"Remus, how are you feeling?" Kingsley asked Remus with a touch more empathy and concern than Moody who was glaring at him with his good eye, his blue one pointing the opposite direction. A heavy frown was on the old Auror's scarred face.

"Well-rested… You were right, Kingsley, I'm sorry I…" Remus started to say but was interrupted.

"Take care in making sure that you don't lose control like that again! I stand by everything I just said right now, you're lucky the muggles didn't hear you!" Moody snapped.

Taken aback by the sudden scolding as if he were a child at Hogwarts again, all Remus could do was say, "I know, forgive me, I was being stupid."

"If you do something like that again and you blow your cover, you're not allowed ten feet of Prive Drive again!" Moody snapped at him again.

Remus glared at the grizzled and scarred Auror, suddenly trying not to bare his teeth at the threat. If that were to happen, Moody could very well go ahead and try, nothing was going to keep Remus from watching his cub, nothing!

"Tonight when you are to go back for your watch, you're not to step a toe inside that house, no talking to Potter, no blowing your cover no matter what, got that!"

"Got it," Remus only scowled.

Moody frowned at his reaction.

"Lupin, remember the rules," Kingsley said before Moody could say anything more. "Or we can't have you on watch."

Remus only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. His hands were in tight fists inside the pockets of his robes, the only sign of his frustration and anger for being scolded like a wayward adolescent.

"Now we're thinking of changing your shifts…" Kingsley continued on.

At that Remus tore himself out of his sullen feelings, "What? Why!"

"Remus, you need to take a break from the nightwatch," Kingsley said with a much gentler voice than how Moody was speaking to him.

"No, you don't understand, I'm the only one who could actually hear what is going on in the house. I need to be there just in case something like what happened last night doesn't happen again!"

The Aurors both looked at Remus, then exchanged glances with each other. "But can we trust you to not go bursting into the house?" Kingsley asked. "If I hadn't been there, we would be facing dire consequences right now, you do understand that, right, Remus?"

Remus sighed, then nodded, deeply regretting his behavior last night. He was just so tired and hearing Dursley speak to Harry that way, hearing Harry's reaction, hearing how scared his cub had sounded, Remus just lost it. They were right to be cautious, to warn him on being careful…

Kingsley broke Remus out of his thoughts, "Does this have something to do with why Harry was put under Snape's watch last summer?"

Remus nodded, but didn't offer any more detail on Kingsley's question. "I won't lose control anymore, please," was all he said.

"Okay, fine!" Moody snapped. "We'll give you another chance, but don't you dare bloody screw it up, Lupin!"

.

.

Remus was back at his spot on the Dursley's roof. This time Remus waited until his shift started to arrive at Privet Drive, and Mundungus was with him. The known thief was sitting by the garage where Fred and George had sat yesterday.

Harry was asleep, Remus could hear him tossing and turning about in his bed, lost in nightmares of course, like every other night. It was just so hard to sit here and not go to his cub and wake him from them. As annoying as Moody and Kingsley had been when they reprimanded him, Remus knew they were right. He could've blown his and Kingsley's cover, and how would that have helped Harry then?

Remus just couldn't help it last night. He was worried for Harry falling back into his self-harm, worried that he wasn't eating properly, worried that his mental brick wall was going back up, and all of that progress Remus and Severus had worked on with Harry in raising his self-esteem and improving his mental health, Remus could see it all going away. The way Harry looked to him yesterday, he knew Harry was drowning again, and Remus didn't want his cub to feel so alone like he did last summer, terrified of what that could lead to, what that could make Harry do to himself, what he almost did a couple of times last summer…

With his chest feeling tight with all of his stressful thoughts on his cub, Remus inhaled deeply, taking in all of the scents around him, the dark pavement and oil from the muggle cars, the scents of the strong-smelling hydrangeas that blocked out mostly every other scent out, Mundungus' scent down below, and Harry's coming from the open window next to him.

At least tonight was quiet.

But just as that thought had passed, Remus suddenly felt the wolf inside of him begin to stir, causing him to be alert from a sudden rustling down below. Remus knew it wasn't Mundungus, he could be heard snoring from even up here… And those old men are worried about me blowing my cover? Remus thought with annoyance and disgust directed at Mundungus. Remus was practically keeping watch on his own!

Remus levitated down from the roof, walking around the house, stopping in the back garden where he thought he'd heard where the rustling was coming from. His wolf began to grow more excited, and alarmed at that, Remus wondered why. He looked around, wishing he could use Lumos to light up the shadowy corners, but the light could be seen by any muggles who might be looking out their window. A floating light is what they would see…

The wolf whined with longing when Remus neared the hydrangea bush, feeling it rise from his throat, but Remus swallowed it down, suppressing the wolf back. Remus frowned, was there another wolf here? Being so near the large bush with its brilliant colorful flowers, Remus really couldn't scent anything. He crawled onto his hands and knees, crawling a bit under the bush with his wand out just in case.

Once under it, Remus stayed still, looking around, able to somewhat see better in the dark due to his werewolf abilities than normal humans could. It was nothing but shadowy corners between the branches and the wall of the house. Spots of moonlight on the dry soil against the dark. Remus inhaled deeply, catching nothing but the hydrangeas, but he could sense something here. His wolf was now yelping with excitement, wanting to play and chase and hunt. He reached out a hand, maybe it was someone under some sort of invisibility charm like the Disillusionment Charm, but all he felt was air. There was nothing or anyone here. Perhaps it was just prey. Moody's disapproval for looking under something without being able to properly see appeared in his mind, but it turned out there was nothing to worry about.

As Remus crawled out, straightening himself out and suppressing a sneeze or two, he wondered of the possibility of it being Rowan or Greyback, since his wolf has changed its allegiance to Greyback's pack, what else would cause his wolf to get so excited like that? But Bill had said the werewolves were at Malfoy Manor, still Remus shivered at the thought of one of them watching him that very moment.

And another theory, one he didn't allow himself to ponder about or even believe in just in case it was wrong, Remus couldn't bear the thought of getting his hopes up then it turning out to be nothing but a rat or something… It was Severus' journals that he'd found in his lab, along with an empty phial that Remus pushed away.

He ended up staying in the back garden for the majority of his shift, standing still and waiting, but there was nothing. No more sounds of rustling, and Remus began to wonder if it really was just a cat or a rat or something, some type of prey that would explain his wolf's sudden excitement, and with that last thought, Remus went back onto his spot on the roof, just in time to watch the sun climb over the cookie-cutter houses of Little Whinging.

A/N: I really hope you enjoyed my long chapter! And thank you for all the favorites and the reviews! Next Update: The end of June

Review Responses:

Bluemoonwrites: Thank you for your review, and I'm trying to take my time but sometimes it's hard haha

CityGirl7768: It's nice to hear from you again! Thank you for enjoying the first chapter, and I hope you liked this one, thanks for your review!

Imaginer.012: I wondered what happened to you! I'm so sorry you were having such a hard time with your mental health, I truly hope things are going better for you now, and just hang in there, do things that make you happy, take it day by day! I'm just glad something like my fanfic has been one of those things. Please take care of yourself, and thank you for all of your reviews. This chapter is for you =)