Chapter Three - When Will It End?
It was the first Saturday after Harry came to Privet Drive when Aunt Petunia came to his room for the first time, crinkling her nose at him like the many times she used to do in the past as she glanced around, never liking what she was seeing.
Harry couldn't help up but feel rather insulted every time she did this, especially now when his room was as tidy as it could be. He wasn't dirty, he picked up after himself, but she always still managed to make him feel like he was.
"No more moping around in here!" Aunt Petunia snapped at him. "I want you downstairs, now!"
Harry scrambled out of bed at her tone. His aunt continued to scowl, her eyes narrowed in on Hedwig asleep in her cage. "And I want you to clean this room today!"
In no less than ten minutes later, Harry entered the kitchen to see Dudley kissing Aunt Petunia on her cheek who was standing by the stove. Their conversation filled the kitchen as Harry watched his cousin go to the fridge and pour himself a glass of milk, finishing it off in one gulp then picking up some toast into a napkin.
Dudley glanced at Harry who had stopped by the doorway, and to Harry's surprise, the look his cousin gave him wasn't unkind. Harry's eyes then widened when he saw what Dudley was wearing. It was a uniform for an auto mechanic shop, the name Dudley was stitched at the front in official-looking blue thread. Harry was shocked, he didn't know his cousin had gotten a job. No wonder he hadn't seen Dudley around lately. He also couldn't help but notice that Dudley looked different as well, he was still big but more on the muscly side than fat. His blonde hair was a shade darker and was short and neat. It matched the color of the peach fuzz that was growing on his chin.
Harry was just about to poke a bit of fun at Dudley for his sudden growing facial hair but then Uncle Vernon's voice boomed from behind him, erasing Harry's jokes right out of him.
"Ah, leaving already, Dudders?"
Harry flinched, moving away from the door but not quick enough to spare himself getting pushed aside by his uncle.
"Yeah, my shift starts in half an hour, I was just saying goodbye to mum. I better get going," Dudley said sheepishly, he had seen the way Harry had been pushed and sent him an apologetic look for his dad's sake. "It's nice to see you out of your room, Potter."
Harry could only give him a furtive glance in return, thoroughly confused by his cousin's sudden nice behavior towards him and the fact that he had a job. That he looked more like an adult now than the kid he was last summer. What happened to the Big D Harry knew him as?
Harry would have normally insulted Dudley in return. It was always how their relationship was, seeing who could be meaner to the other. Dudley always used his fists and his gang of friends. Harry always used his smarts and his words, and he was always too fast most of the time for Dudley and his friends to catch him.
Uncle Vernon sat down at the table, the chair creaking from under his weight. His uncle's presence was so ominous in the room for Harry, he found himself mentally hiding behind his half-built wall. He was afraid to say anything, afraid to do anything that would bring himself to Uncle Vernon's attention. He was afraid of being punished.
Dudley frowned at Harry's lack of response, but before he could say anything more, Aunt Petunia snapped at Harry, "Come help with the eggs! Don't burn them! Then get started on the dishes!"
Harry avoided Dudley's eyes as he quickly moved towards the stove, stirring the eggs. He was trying his hardest to keep himself from visibly shaking from Uncle Vernon being so near him. Dudley didn't try to speak to Harry anymore, he told his parents goodbye, took the lunch bag from his mom and then left the house.
When Harry was done with cooking and washing up the dishes as his aunt and uncle ate, he wanted to go straight to the park or back up to clean his room, anywhere was better than having to be in their company, but Aunt Petunia only scowled when he asked if he could be excused.
"No, we have things to say to you! Make yourself some toast and sit at the table!"
Harry did as told, finding himself sitting at the breakfast table, taking small bites of his breakfast as Uncle Vernon began lecturing him… "Stop hiding in your room! You better not be doing drugs or drinking up there! If we catch even the tiniest whiff of cigarettes…
Your door has to be open so we could keep an eye on you!
Make yourself useful! Either start helping your aunt around the house or get a job like Dudley!
Learn some responsibility
Stop acting like a freeloading bum
You're almost seventeen
Grow up
Be more like Dudley!"
Uncle Vernon's voice boomed over the kitchen table. The vein on his temple became more visible the longer he shouted, his face turning an ugly shade of maroon. His forehead was shining with perspiration. Harry wondered about the possibility of his uncle having a heart attack the longer he kept at it.
Aunt Petunia was in the kitchen recleaning everything Harry had already done for her. She turned and met Harry's eye. "Eat," she frowned. "Don't waste my food."
Harry couldn't eat, at least not when he was being yelled at like this by her husband, and he was ninety percent sure that Uncle Vernon had already sprayed his spit all over the table from shouting. But she glared at him and so he took another bite. The toast tasted like sandpaper in his mouth, getting stuck in his throat. He swallowed and drank it down with his glass of water.
What was the point of getting a job if he was only going to be here for three more weeks? He wasn't here to freeload. He wasn't here to be a burden. He was keeping them safe, but would his aunt and uncle understand that if he tried explaining it all to them? Would they hear him? Would they care? Did they have any idea how dark the wizarding war had gotten over the past few years, did they even worry about it? They knew there was a war, it was the very reason why Harry was dropped off on their doorstep as a baby.
Aunt Petunia had worried about it last summer, she told him… Was she still worrying about it now or did she decide to ignore it?
Harry suddenly felt an intense surge of frustration for them. It was time they stopped being afraid of magic, of what Harry was, because if this war carried on long enough, it could carry over to the muggle world, then they would have to deal with it, but Harry didn't voice any of that. He just kept his eyes down.
"As soon as Dudley returned from school, he already had several jobs lined up. I even had an internship ready for him at my company, but he turned it down, said he wanted to learn how to stand on his own two feet… Now I wouldn't have chosen a garage for him, but at least it shows that he ain't one of those nancy-pancy boys that likes to kiss other boys on the streets…"
Harry forced himself not to smirk with defiance at Uncle Vernon's homophobic remark. He now had another reason to add to Uncle Vernon's very extensive list of why he hated Harry. He wondered how his uncle would react if he knew how Harry allowed another boy to kiss him, and not only did Harry not hate it, for a moment there he thought that perhaps maybe it could be something that he liked…
And Harry lost himself to that night in December. The dark, empty classroom in the dungeons. The sounds of Slughorn's party echoing outside in the corridors. The way Draco's eyes had finally let down his guard. The fear that shook in his voice, the hesitation as he asked Harry if he could kiss him again, and how Harry had been so curious about this new thing, allowed Draco to kiss him. He thought about that strange spark he'd felt between them, and then how it died before it could grow into a flame, before they could even have a chance to learn what those kisses meant. Then a flash of Draco running alongside Snape chased everything away, the way he had looked so scared…
"He likes to get his hands dirty, my son, working on cars, then goes straight to the gym to box. Why can't you be more like your cousin?" Uncle Vernon went on and on…
Was Draco alone and scared at Malfoy Manor? Harry hadn't given much thought to him. He was done trying to help him when all Draco had done was fight Harry every step of the way…but then in the end, when it mattered, Draco lowered his wand… He couldn't do it… He was coming back to them, he wasn't lost, but then Snape ruined everything.
And Harry felt so alone at that moment as he forcibly pushed away the resurfacing agony his dad had left behind inside him. He mentally pictured himself sitting behind his brick wall, his hands over his ears. His uncle and aunt on the other side along with that stranger that looked like his dad.
Harry couldn't even understand what Uncle Vernon was saying anymore. He didn't want to sit here and eat if he was going to just be lectured at by Uncle Vernon and glared at by Aunt Petunia… And sitting here, it brought back the countless times Harry sat at the round kitchen table in Severus' quarters. He longed for those days that would possibly never happen again. The conversations that were shared, the laughter, the fact that no matter how much they had fought, Severus always made Harry feel wanted and welcomed at the table. He never felt so afraid and full of so much anxiety to the point where he would lose his appetite like now…
Severus' low murmuring voice as he read the Daily Prophet over a cup of coffee, often cursing or snorting out with laughter at what he was reading, the sounds of the pages churning and his patient encouragement for Harry to eat, the memory echoed in Harry's ears for a moment, silencing Uncle Vernon… For a moment, Harry was there, sitting with his dad. The fireplace causing the living room to glow green, and Remus would join them and Harry would smile at the way Severus' whole demeanor would soften and relax at the sight of him, like he'd been waiting for Remus the entire morning.
And then thinking of Remus, Harry wondered for the billionth time if he was out there as promised. Was he listening to this nonsense Uncle Vernon was shouting at Harry? Harry wished he knew, then he wouldn't feel so alone. Just having his papa near… Just knowing if he was… It would make things so much better. Why couldn't Remus just contact Harry at least once?
"Boy, are you even listening to a word I'm saying to you?! You will not take advantage of mine and your aunt's kindness! You are lucky that we let you return here after what you pulled last summer!" Uncle Vernon's voice shifted back into making sense, giving Harry the feeling as if he'd just been pulled out of a body of water.
"Now what will it be, huh? Are you going to find a job today or am I giving you a list of chores?"
"Chores," Harry only said with a resigned voice.
Vernon glared at him, looking straight into Harry's eyes, seeming to check if his pupils were blown out from doing drugs.
Why does he think I'm doing drugs?
Harry just stared back with a passive expression on his face.
Vernon narrowed his eyes even more then shouted, almost making Harry flinch, "Pet, a pen and paper, please!"
As Uncle Vernon began to write out his list, Harry stayed where he sat, waiting, his toast abandoned on his plate. The idea of eating was suddenly making his stomach churn, and Harry decided if he was feeling like he couldn't eat anymore, then he wasn't going to eat. At least it would give him a bit of control in his life right now.
Uncle Vernon tossed the paper at Harry, then got up from his chair. "Finish this by the end of the day or else!"
Harry read the list and inwardly groaned, it was all yard work.
.
.
The afternoon sun was beating down on Harry's back who was knee deep in the back garden, pulling out weeds. His hands were burning from yanking the stubborn plants out over and over without any gardening gloves to protect the skin on his palms. When Harry had asked for some, Aunt Petunia had startled at his question, as if he had asked for a box of matches to play with.
"No, I just bought some new ones recently. You'll only get them ruined and dirty!"
Well isn't that the point of gardening gloves? Harry had been itching to say, but he wisely kept his mouth shut and went outside to start on Uncle Vernon's list.
Harry yanked harder at the weed, beads of sweat were getting into his eyes and he wiped them away with his other hand, knowing he probably left streaks of dirt on his face. Aunt Petunia was definitely going to scream if he tried coming inside her house all dirty like this…
Serves her right for being so bloody heartless!
Harry continued to pull and pull, cursing under his breath from the pain, exertion and heat. He muttered out Severus' favorite curse words, thinking how he would give anything for some gardening gloves and a cold glass of pumpkin juice when the weed finally gave out, sending Harry tumbling back on his butt.
He cursed out loud, not caring if anyone were around to hear him, then sat back up, snarling to himself, "Some fucking help here would be nice if you were here, Remus! Can't you just fucking show yourself! What's with all the bloody secrecy!"
Harry waited for an answer, but there was nothing. Of course there was nothing but silence. Just the insects flying over Aunt Petunia's hydrangeas. The birds rustling and singing in the branches of the trees. The sounds of a radio playing from one of the neighboring houses.
No sign or sound of a magical person that was apparently watching over him.
"Coward," Harry muttered as he got back on his knees and started pulling on the next weed.
.
.
Just as the sun began to set, Harry was so exhausted and sore, red blisters on his hands, having just completed everything on the list around the same time as Dudley had returned home and the Dursleys started having dinner together. Harry didn't join them. He slipped past them before they could notice him or say anything and went straight upstairs to the bathroom so he could shower and treat his blistered hands with anything he could find in their medicine cabinet.
He was just falling asleep in his bed, the window wide open and letting in the cool evening breeze that felt like such a cool relief after the hot day he had, when Aunt Petunia knocked on his door, then opened it, startling Harry awake with sudden fear causing his heart to boom against his ribcage.
I finished the list! Was he about to get punished for something he forgot to do or didn't do right? He had left the checked-off list on the counter so they could see.
"Thank you…for the yard work…" Her voice reached Harry, short and clipped as if it was hurting her to say them.
But still it was a thank you… Harry could only stare at her with shock… Maybe the Aunt Petunia from last summer was still somewhere behind those cold blue eyes and wrinkled nose and pursed lips.
"Clean this room," she then said, not giving Harry a chance to respond. She glanced at Hedwig's empty cage. Harry had let his owl take off for a night hunt just before he had gone to bed. "Especially that bird cage, it reeks!" Then she left, leaving Harry wondering if he had actually fallen asleep and was just dreaming.
Did she just thank me?
"I'm coming back to check if it's done before I turn in!" Aunt Petunia called out from the hallway.
Harry sighed out with irritation as he forced himself out of his bed. He was exhausted from spending the whole day outside under the hot sun and his hands hurt. Why was it suddenly so important to Aunt Petunia for his room to be cleaned right now?! He just wanted to sleep.
He began to clean out Hedwig's cage, realizing that he was starting to miss the days when his aunt and uncle pretended like he didn't exist. And after an hour later, with Hedwig's cage cleaned and neat, and every single thing put away and every surface dust-free and wiped and the floor swept, the room was done hopefully to Aunt Petunia's standards.
Harry all but threw himself back down on his bed, too tired and feeling too warm to go back under the covers. It wasn't long till his eyes began to close and he felt himself drifting off when he heard the door open again. He was curled up, facing the wall, so he couldn't see who came in, but he knew it was Aunt Petunia from the lightness of her footsteps. His heart booming loudly in his chest again, was she going to make him get back up and continue cleaning? But she walked away, leaving his door open. Harry closed his eyes again, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, his thoughts swirling as he tried to fall back to sleep.
What happened to everything Aunt Petunia had told him last summer? This wasn't the first time Harry wondered about this. What happened to this place always being home if he should ever need to come back? What happened to the apologies? To the sudden and rare empathy she showed towards Harry last summer?
It was as if Aunt Petunia had buried it all back up, and now her treatment towards Harry was just the same as it has always been. Not a sign of the Aunt Petunia who had written to Dumbledore with concerns of Harry cutting himself… The one who wanted to redeem herself for her sister.
Except… Except, maybe tonight… Harry realized. She thanked him for cleaning the yard. That was something she had never ever done before, maybe that was a sign that the care she had shown him last summer was still inside her somewhere.
Harry wondered about Aunt Petunia and her strangeness, mulling over his questions over and over until he began to grow frustrated. He just didn't know any of the answers to them, and he hated that because he couldn't trust his aunt, not knowing what version of her he would expect every day for the remaining weeks… The unknown, confusing Aunt Petunia who wants to redeem herself or the Aunt Petunia that raised him, the one who made Harry stand in front of the bathroom mirror as a child and call his reflection a freak over and over until he began to believe it himself. She had been nothing but that version since Harry arrived, except for tonight when she said thank you.
Today had been the first full day that Uncle Vernon was home, having the day off from work. Every time he would check up on Harry's progress, every time he stood too near him or spoke to him, it would startle Harry so badly he would flinch or freeze up. He tried hiding his reactions, but sometimes Aunt Petunia would still catch him and glare at him so hatefully that Harry could read her unspoken words ringing out so loudly in her cold blue eyes…
How dare you act like my husband is a monster! It's your fault he has to punish you the way he does! It's your fault, you ungrateful little freak!
And it was her voice that echoed in Harry's head as he finally felt himself drifting off to sleep…
It's your fault! Your fault he punishes you! Your fault! You're a freak! Do you understand that, boy! We have to punish you to squash it all out of you! Freak! Freak! Freak!
It was the day before the full-moon when Remus had finally given into drinking again.
It was because of everything that had been going on lately that led to him buying a cheap bottle of vodka at the muggle convenience store near the hotel. Remus had been bearing the weight of it, of the war, of Severus' betrayal, the pain, of missing Harry and the guilt, taking it all day by the day, but as the full-moon approached, suddenly all of it began to feel a hundred times heavier on his shoulders, so heavy it became unbearable agony.
He couldn't sleep once his shift at Privet Drive had been over. He tossed and he turned in his bed, feeling the restlessness pull at his soul. The wolf wouldn't quiet, it howled and it growled and it sang and it longed to be free. It was excited for tonight, and the thoughts in Remus' head wouldn't quiet. He was sick of them, and because of them he pulled himself out of bed, put on his shoes and threw on a sweater, despite the day already feeling warm.
He returned home with the bottle, laying on the bed and drinking, trying not to think, until the wolf began to finally quiet, until everything began to feel nice and numb and Remus eventually passed out in a dizzying slumber.
Remus was staring up at a gray, stone ceiling, feeling a breeze coming through a small open window. The full-moon was glowing from it. He started breathing heavily at the sight of it, and suddenly he had the feeling that he wasn't alone. The fine hairs on his arms began to prickle, someone was watching him. Remus turned to see red eyes in the shadowy corner of the room, before he could react to them he felt a sudden weight pressed onto his chest, followed by a fiery, sickening agony of pain and he screamed.
No! No, please! It hurts! It hurts! Oh god, it hurts!
Black obsidian eyes, they belonged to the pale hand that was pressing the silver against his bare chest…
Remus woke up with a gasp, covered in a cold sweat that reeked of fear. With his eyes adjusting to the dimmed light of the sun peeking through the curtains, Remus found himself staring up at a ceiling again, but this time it was the stained stucco one of the hotel as he shakily pulled himself together.
It was all a year ago, that cellar… I'm no longer there… Greyback is at Malfoy Manor, busy with more important things… Remus reassured himself, thinking about how Greyback and Rowan have been spending the passing summer days with Voldemort and the Death Eaters and with…his dark eyes… Remus focused on his thoughts… Those werewolves were planning only Merlin knew what….
Remus stretched and turned over, glancing at the clock. It was late evening. He still had a bit of time before he had to prepare for his full-moon change tonight, but he didn't want to lay here and think about his nightmares or about werewolves, and didn't want to think about the mission Moody and Kingsley were hinting for Remus to take. During the meeting they had left the proposal unspoken. Remus knew they wanted him to volunteer for it himself without their urging. They wanted him to decide on his own to take it just in case the mission went wrong, not wanting to bear the guilt of asking so much from him. The possibility of it leading Remus to his death or much worse, succumbing to the pack. They didn't want that on their shoulders. Remus doubted Moody and Kingsley had as much faith in him succeeding as Dumbledore had in him. Remus couldn't blame them. It was a near impossible mission.
But what if Remus did take the mission? And what if he succeeded?
Severus hadn't wanted him to, but fuck him! He lost the right to have any opinion on this decision anymore. But Harry didn't want Remus to take it either… Thoughts of his cub suddenly consumed Remus, thoughts on how Harry had been calling out for Severus in his sleep last night, one of the causes to why Remus broke his sobriety. It was just so hard to hear Harry like that and sit on the roof and do nothing about it.
Suddenly Remus' head was pounding, he groaned, reaching out for the cup of water that had been left on the nightstand last night. As it brought Remus back to feeling a bit more steadier, he realized he was thinking mad thoughts. He couldn't do the mission now and leave Harry alone, it would just make everything worse…just not now…
And with frustration, Remus just hated this situation he and Harry were in. He wanted Harry out of that house, wanted this summer to just be over, and again, fuck Severus for all of this. For screwing Harry over so badly, for hurting him right in the core where it would hurt the most, for destroying Harry's trust like that, for being the reason why Harry was forced to live under the same roof as his abusers again, and causing Remus to sit for hours and hours on that roof, only to come back to this blasted hotel room alone…lonely and miserable, hot summer days of just himself and his wolf and his bloody drinking.
Remus reached out his hand to the nightstand again, grabbing not the cup of water again, but the near empty bottle of vodka. He was trying to be strong, he was trying to ignore the ugly voice inside of his head. The voice that urged him to drink the rest of the vodka inside the bottle. All of his anger for Severus burned so hot inside of him, for a moment it scorched out his hurt, his broken heart, and the humiliation from all of it was only added fuel.
A drink could make all of this bearable…just finish the bottle…it could make you relax a bit… Think of the relief… No more howling wolves. No more guilt. No more anger and heartache. It could make the full-moon tonight easier, and keep away the darkness. Keep you out of that cellar, away from those red eyes… Snape isn't around anymore…
It occurred to Remus as he chased away the painful memory of Severus' dark earnest eyes in the cellar of his parent's cabin when he'd promised to help Remus to stop drinking. The voice in his head was right, that part of him that just wanted to give in. What was the point of fighting against it now? They had promised to quit drinking together, a promise that was made between Remus and Severus. But that Severus…he wasn't real… And Remus felt the all too familiar ache of his own stupidity and self-loathing over himself for falling for Severus' act. It caused the desperate want of drinking to become heavier, louder; it echoed and drummed in his ears, making him squeeze the bottle tighter, trying to decide, fighting against the voice in his head telling him to just do it.
The wolf suddenly began to stir inside him. A flicker in his soul.
It had been all the more restless lately and Remus knew why. It was feeling the pull of its new pack. The moon was calling to it, the pack was calling to it, and now that the full-moon was so near, they were louder. Remus heard them in his dreams. Darkness and whispers and howling and songs for the moon, but he forbade it all, kept his wolf under control. The last thing he needed was to lose himself to Greyback's pack.
A drink could quiet them…
Remus suddenly got up and poured the bottle of vodka down the bathroom sink. He then searched through his bag for the phial of wolfsbane that he'd brought with him, drinking it down without even pouring it into a cup first.
The original plan was to change here, to just put up extra wards, then Remus as a wolf sedated under the Wolfsbane could just curl up on the bed and sleep the night away, but because of the pack and Greyback and Rowan, Remus couldn't risk them finding him so near muggle dwellings. Tonight, to keep himself safe and hidden, Remus decided to change for the first time since he was a teenage boy, in the cage in his parent's cellar.
Thinking about it, the cage, the close confinement and how dark and cold and lonely it had been to change there as a child, it brought a shiver of fear to Remus, but he didn't allow himself to dwell on it. It was just for a night and it was for the best, it had to be done. He got dressed, then Apparated straight to the cabin.
Remus appeared on the edge of the wards, walking through them and towards the cabin, staring up at it as he grew closer. Stopping just on the porch, he waved his hand in front of the door, sensing the wards, reading that they were still strong and holding up, no one could find this cabin. No intruders, however the cabin wouldn't be able to read Severus as an intruder, the wards had to be updated.
But he couldn't bring himself to do it. It would make Severus' betrayal all the more final, but this had to remain a safe place for Harry. That was what drove Remus to lift up his wand and redo the wards, making sure that the cabin would be hidden from Severus.
Memories of the holidays, of the first time Remus brought Harry and Severus here, slipped through Remus' barriers as he was updating the wards. It was like a punch to the gut, causing him to kneel down and gasp for breath from the pain of it once he lowered his wand and the task was done.
The porch swing creaked from the evening summer breeze, the only sound aside from the wildlife that lived in the glimmering lake behind him. Remus steadied his breathing, tried to pull himself together. A part of him had been hoping Severus would come back here and explain to Remus why. Why? Why he did it. But now that the wards were updated, it casted Severus out. He won't be able to ever find this place again. It was like he was lost to Remus all over again, cruelly wrenched away from him and Harry, breaking them, their family, it was over.
Remus stood up, bracing himself, taking a deep shaky breath before entering the cabin.
It was cold inside despite the summer heat, that was the first thing Remus noticed. Nothing but ghosts. He immediately went down to the cellar, locking the door behind him, lighting his way with a whispered Lumos. The cage gleamed in the shadows casted by his wand light. Remus was early. The sun was still setting, but he couldn't bear to be alone upstairs.
Remus unlocked the cage with a wave of his hand, then opened the barred door. It creaked on its hinges, looking dusty and a bit rusted, but it would do. It was still safe, the enchantments on it were still unwavering thanks to his father. A perfect werewolf cage.
He spent the time away by pacing the cellar until his skin suddenly began to itch, until a strong sense of restlessness took over and Remus really couldn't keep still. His muscles began to ache and spasm. His bones began to pop. His mouth suddenly felt fuller with sharper canines. It was time. The sun had set. It would be only a matter of time before the full-moon rose.
Remus took off his clothes, tucking them away on a shelf of the pantry side of the cellar along with his wand for safe-keeping. He would have to rely on wandless magic for now on. Naked and shivering and aching, Remus then stepped into the cage, locking the door with a whispered spell and instantly feeling the wards strengthen. Only magic could get him out now.
Memories of being here as a child, sitting alone in the dark, hearing his mother crying. His father drinking away his guilt in his study. Remus sat down in the middle of the cage, cross legged, waiting… The wolf inside him sang, it howled, it called to its pack, but they wouldn't find it here.
.
.
Remus woke up alone and cold, his body aching. His hands were on fire, he raised them up to his face, his vision growing clearer as he blinked open his eyes. Once his nails came into focus, Remus saw that they were bloody and broken. He groaned and sat up, looking at the bars around him. Blood covered the floor and bars. Then he remembered, although the memories were a bit foggy and detached, it sort of felt like trying to remember a dream. The wolf tried to claw its way out last night. It hated being caged. Even the Wolfsbane couldn't take away the wolf's fear of being locked away. Remus couldn't blame it.
He reached out his hand between the bars, silently summoning his wand. It flew through the air and landed on his palm, the thin strip of wood becoming coated with blood as he used it to unlock the cage and then crawled out. His knees trembling as he pulled himself up, summoning his clothes and pulling them on before slowly climbing up the stairs.
It was when Remus was leaving the cabin that he scented it, a scent that felt so achingly familiar, yet he was sure that he'd never scented it before. He couldn't even describe it. But because of his faith in the strength of his own wards, Remus was sure it was nothing. Maybe just a passing animal from last night that his wolf must've noticed, and chalking it all up to his senses just being overly strong and out of whack because of the full-moon, Remus shrugged away the scent and Apparated straight to the hotel room. He collapsed on his bed, falling immediately into a deep sleep and instantly forgetting about it.
Remus was trapped in nightmares the whole time he slept. The usual ones of the cellar, of Greyback, of Rowan. Of Severus… Of himself as a wolf leading a pack through a hunt, their excited cries and howls surrounding him, and everytime Remus woke up, he felt like he was still trapped in his dreams.
When he finally fully awoke, Remus had no idea what day it was, how long he'd been asleep. His hands burned, forcing him out of bed immediately. Cursing at his own stupidity for not taking care of them right away, he rinsed his hands under the cool water from the bathroom sink, seeing that they weren't as bad as they felt. He cleaned them up, then soaked them with a bowl of Murtlap Essence for a good while before wrapping them up. In a few days if he kept soaking them in Murtlap, his nails should be as good as new again.
Remus took a bit of Pain Potion, grimacing at his sudden memory of being forced to overdose on them by Greyback, but he pushed it away, not allowing himself to think about it as he held the phial to his lips, taking only the needed amount to dull the pain in his hands.
Once that was done and over, Remus finally allowed himself to look at his reflection in the mirror. He really did look terrible. His eyes were no longer golden, only his own hazel eyes with dark circles underneath, his complexion a bit gray, making it look as if he'd been sick for a long time. The wolf was quiet at least, finally subdued after the full-moon. After only seconds, Remus had to look away. Apart from his hands, he physically felt okay, only the usual soreness and exhaustion, it was better than expected. This was the first full-moon after Severus' betrayal, Remus had been sure it would've left him worse off from all the stress.
Now he wasn't sure what to do with himself. He felt himself falling, he just wanted to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day away and maybe the night too.
But if he went to sleep the nightmares would return… Those dark eyes, those pale hands pressing the silver rod against his skin… Remus knew it had only been a dream… Severus had never burnt him with silver… But still it made his heart quicken…made him fear going back to sleep and reliving that nightmare.
The thought of Severus, what he had done, was just like when Remus had thought Sirius betrayed him, betrayed Lily and James and killed Peter. The only difference, Sirius had been innocent, it had all been a mistake that cost Sirius his life. But with Severus, there was no room for doubt. Harry saw him kill Dumbledore with his own eyes, there was no explaining that away. The truth was out in plain sight. Severus was and had always been a Death Eater on Voldemort's side… That type of betrayal… The pain of it wrecked Remus. He'd barely survived the twelve years after Sirius' supposed betrayal, he didn't even know how he did it. And this time, Remus wasn't sure if he was strong enough to do it again, but he had to be, at least until the war was over. During the passing weeks, Remus had worked hard to not let himself succumb to the darkness from Severus' betrayal that was heavy in his chest, purposely keeping himself busy for the Order and looking after Harry, but this time, at his weakest state after a full-moon, Remus couldn't stop himself from falling.
He spied the bottle of leftover vodka on the nightstand, and not caring anymore, he finished it off in one gulp before crawling into bed and falling back to sleep.
.
.
An owl was tapping on Remus' window. He groaned from under the covers, pulling himself out of bed and blinking his sleep away as he opened the window. The owl flew in, landing on the desk chair, holding out its leg, hooting expectantly for treats.
Remus gave it some cereal, then took the scroll. The owl immediately took off when it was done and was happy with its reward, not allowing Remus the chance to answer his messenger back.
After reading the letter, Remus sighed out with relief. It was from Charlie. There were no victims this month as far as they knew. His and Bill's prediction of Greyback and Rowan being too preoccupied with Voldemort at Malfoy Manor had been right, which in itself was concerning. It made the urgency of the mission all the more important. If Remus took it then he could find out what exactly they were planning and try to put a stop to it. The Order needed the werewolves on their side, it would make a difference to their side of the war. Remus tried not to think about what would happen to their side if there would be a final battle with the favor of the werewolves on Voldemort's side. If that final battle happened to be on a full-moon, Remus shuddered from it.
Putting the television on in the room for the first time since his stay, Remus flicked through the channels, stopping at a muggle news station. According to the muggles speaking, Remus lost only two days, and it was early afternoon. He kept it on as he showered and dressed, welcoming the background noise. Listening to them talk about a few unexplainable accidents that Remus knew Death Eaters must be behind them. Some towns had been lately engulfed in mysterious, cold fogs that were not common for the summer season. Remus knew it was Dementors. But there was nothing that resembled anything that could be werewolves. Had Greyback and Rowan really been too busy to forget their promise to recruit Remus to them? What exactly were they planning then? And the urgency for Remus to decide to take the mission or not had suddenly grown, but he only shook his head with annoyance as he soaked his hands in Murtlap then rebandgad them. They had healed nicely since the morning after the full-moon. He promised Harry he wouldn't take it, Remus reminded himself. And at the thought of Harry, Remus headed to Privet Drive.
Dedalus Diggle and Hestia Jones were the ones guarding Privet Drive. He scented them along the garden wall behind the house.
"Remus? Is that you?" he heard Jones whisper.
Remus frowned, but went over to them. He was hoping to sit in the shade near them without any notice.
"How did you know it was me so easily?" he whispered as he approached them.
"We had a Detection Charm waiting for you, in case you arrived."
Jones couldn't see the annoyance flicker on Remus' face from hearing that.
"It was Moody's idea, I take it?" he asked.
"He said that if you should arrive, you are ordered to go back home and rest. You are not to be permitted near Privet Drive until tomorrow night."
"There's no need for that, I'm fine. I've rested enough!"
"I'm sorry, Lupin, Alastor's orders," Diggle said.
Remus had to bite down his frustration and annoyance, knowing it wasn't their fault. They were after all just following orders.
"At least tell me how Harry's been faring," Remus asked.
There was a brief pause, then Jones' voice ended it, soft and understanding, "He's been okay, busy. The muggles had him do the gardening this morning, he just went back into the house."
Remus left after that, not knowing what to do with himself, hating Moody and Kingsley for keeping him away from his cub. Before he knew it, Remus found himself at a muggle pub that was only walking distance from his hotel room. He couldn't even remember how he got there, acting on a split decision made before he could rationalize upon it. It was where Tonks found him hours later, throwing up in the back alleyway.
"Oh, Remus," She had so much pity in her words, it angered Remus even in his state as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve once the last bout of sickness finally left him. "Come on, let's get you back to your room." She pulled him towards her, her hand wrapped around his upper arm.
Remus bared his teeth. The wolf was subdued from the alcohol, he couldn't feel it. It was only his anger and his guilt and his pain.
"Don't touch me!" Remus pulled away from Tonks.
Tonks gave him a concerned look. He hated it. And suddenly he wanted her to hurt as much as he was, and so he let it all spill out. The darkness inside him, he couldn't hold on to it anymore and oh, it was a relief to just let it show.
"Remus, I'm only…"
"Only what? Trying to help me? Take pity on me? The poor fucking werewolf who was a fool to fall in love with a Death Eater!"
Tonks shook her head at Remus' words. "I'm not thinking that at all!"
"Then why are you here? Why the fuck do you still care about me? You shouldn't!"
Tonks stepped towards him and Remus stepped back. Not wanting Tonks near him. Wanting her to leave him alone.
"You're my best friend," she said.
"Why! We shouldn't be friends! That's the fucking problem! I'm too old! A werewolf! You can do better than the likes of me, he was right! You're practically a child!"
Remus couldn't even feel bad for what he said, after all he only spoke the truth. They'd been fools. Severus had been right. It hurt so bloody much every time Severus crossed Remus' mind, and it was far too often for his liking, no matter how hard Remus pushed those thoughts away, they just kept coming.
Tonks flinched at his words, taking them in a moment then she composed herself and said a bit more sternly, "I'm twenty-three thank you very much, old enough, capable enough to make my own decisions! And you're more than what you call yourself!" She reached out to Remus again. "Come on, no more of this, let's just get you out of this alleyway."
Remus wondered when he started shaking, then suddenly he was sick again. When Remus was finally able to recompose himself, he saw Tonks reaching for him again. "I said don't fucking touch me!" he snarled.
"I'm trying to help you!" Tonks snapped at him.
They stared each other down for a moment.
Tonks was dressed in her Auror robes, and judging by the shadows of the alleyway, it was late. She must've come straight here after her shift was over. To Remus she suddenly looked so young, and it made the ugliness inside him, the darkness, it made it all spill out again, because he was so angry at himself and he just wanted her away from him, that way he couldn't hurt her anymore.
She's just a child! He was right! Severus was right! They have no business being friends, especially with her feelings for Remus, it only led to disaster… That night, it had all been a terrible mistake! Remus wanted to be sick again, but all he did was wipe his mouth again with his sleeve, his bandaged hands trembling.
"Twenty-three, just a little girl and I fucked you!" Remus drunkenly moaned. "I said go!" he shouted when Tonks didn't move or show any signs of leaving. She just stood there, staring at him with all of that awful pity, looking so young, so naive, a child!
Remus moaned out again. The alleyway was suddenly tilting and spinning. He held his head in his hands, trying to steady himself. He was suddenly mumbling, his words slurring, "I don't love you like that, Dora. I can't…I can't… I can't give you what you want… And I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…but it's always going to be him…it's always going to be him…"
"Remus, can I just take you home?" Tonks asked, her voice cracking with hurt or maybe it was her pity for him. Remus didn't know anymore, his anger defusing and turning into a deep and unbearable heartache… She kept mentioning home… But what fucking home was there to return to? Loneliness, so big, it was a tidal wave, it crashed into Remus and he staggered from the force of it.
Tonks reached out again, steadying him, supporting his weight, and this time Remus allowed her to.
"You can't keep going on like this," Tonks told him once they were in his hotel room.
Remus was sitting on the edge of his bed, washing down a Sobering-Up Potion with a glass of water.
"Do you normally walk around with phials of this stuff on you?" Remus' voice cracked as he handed her the empty phial.
"No, I just had one with me tonight. Vector and I planned to take the night off from Order stuff… Have a little fun… Looks like you've decided to get a head start without us."
Remus didn't say anything in return to that, busying himself with finishing up his glass of water then arranging his pillows to lie down.
He could feel the potion working its way through him, quickly sobering him up. It took the dizzying fog away, but it didn't prevent the headache that was now forming. Remus didn't announce the start of his hangover nor retrieve anything to soothe it either, now remembering what he had shouted at Tonks, the way he treated her, feeling like he very well deserved it for losing control on his drinking and acting like an asshole.
"Remus, if you need to talk to someone, just know that I'm here for you. Even if we haven't really been friends lately… I'm still here, willing to listen."
"Don't bother with me," was all Remus could say.
"Remus, you can't carry on like this," Tonks pushed. "Everyone is worried. All you do is sit up there on that roof. You barely talk to anyone, and now you're drinking again? When's the last time you've read or played your guitar or even wrote anything?"
And when Remus didn't reply, Tonks watched him go under the covers, turning over so that his back was to her. He just wanted her to go.
"Moody told me what happened at Privet Drive between you and Kingsley… Harry is going to be okay, he'll be out soon enough…"
"Why do you still care?" Remus croaked before she could say anymore about his embarrassing episode that night. "After what I did to you, you had every right to have left me in that alleyway… I used you…"
Those horrible words hung between them.
"Is that how you see it?"
Remus couldn't answer her.
"It wasn't just what you did to me. It was me too. It was both of us hurting each other. I took advantage of you. You were hurting badly, I could see that and I thought comforting you like that could help, but I was wrong. All I did was bring back my feelings for you, all it did was hurt you even more… I didn't mean for my feelings to get in the way like that…"
"That doesn't matter, I still hurt you."
"Okay fine you did, but you're still my best friend."
"Best friend? I couldn't even give you the decency to look you in the eye afterward! It was all you asked of me, and I couldn't give that to you! I'm damaged, Tonks, a coward, a monster! Why do you still care? Why do you still want me as your friend? Is an old werewolf really worth all of your trouble?"
The whole time they had spoken, Remus hadn't moved. His back was still facing her. He could feel Tonks watching him. The answer to his questions remained unspoken in her silence.
And when Remus couldn't take that silence between them, he realized just how much he was missing her. Missing Harry… And most of all… Severus… Tired of feeling so alone… And that horrible loneliness he felt in that alleyway washed over him again.
It was all so pathetic… Remus couldn't help but moan out…"Dora…" Suddenly he was covering his face in his hands, his breathing suddenly becoming very fast and heavy. He was trying so hard to not just burst into tears, but she heard all of it.
"Sweetie…" she whispered, climbing onto the bed and gathering Remus into her arms, hugging him tightly. "It's going to be okay now…oh, just let it out then…come on…"
With her encouragement, Remus broke, and he thought perhaps it was because it had been so long since someone last hugged him so hard like this. Maybe it was because it had been so long since he'd felt happy, since he'd properly spoken to anyone about what he was feeling inside. Since he felt like a normal person… It has been so long and lonely and gray summer days. It has been so long without…him… The dam inside of Remus broke and out came the tears. He gasped, letting them flow freely down his face.
He thought he was done with tears. Remus kept telling himself this was his last cry, only to break again over and over… When will it end? When will it all end? Will it ever end? Or will it be like this for the rest of my days?
Tonks held him harder as Remus sobbed, turning around and hugging her back as hard as he could, as if he were being swept away and he was trying to hold onto her so he wouldn't be lost.
She was right, Remus couldn't go on like this. It was wearing him down. Remus was exhausted, and he was just so tired of being stuck in this depressing rut…searching blindly in the dark for a way out…for a way to Severus…his Severus…and a way to have Harry back with him…searching for his lost family. He just wanted them back.
Remus wanted them back, wanted to hold them tightly against him and never ever let go…
But it couldn't be that way, as heartbreaking as it was… Remus knew it couldn't be that way anymore. His family was broken forever. It was just him and Harry now, left with an empty space that Severus left them with. How could they ever fill that space back up?
If he could just have one thing back, if he could have an ounce of any control of how life was now… If that thing meant it was his friendship with Tonks… It was better than being completely alone…
At least one thing could just make sense again… Remus wanted it all to just make sense again.
A/N: Thank you every one for reviewing, liking and following! I always appreciate you guys taking time to read my fanfic, and I know these new chapters are super depressing but soon it'll pick up.
Next update will be by the end of July!
Review Responses:
Imaginer.012: Thank you for reading my chapter and loving it! I'm sorry this new chapter was another sad one, it's going to get better soon, I promise!
CityGirl7768: I'm sorry this is another one of the sad chapters, but things will look up soon, and soon Severus will make an appearance, thank you for always reviewing!
Bluemoonwrites: Oooh! What a surprise lol, nice to hear from you again! Thanks for reviewing and being obsessed with this story, I'm just as obsessed with my own work as well lol.