Chapter Four - I'm Right Here
That stranger was in Harry's dreams.
Under the rafters, Harry could see Dumbledore and Draco between the gaps of the wooden planks, then suddenly a black wand was on him. Steady and sure, threatening Harry to turn and face the owner of that wand.
It was the same wand that had once healed all of Harry's self-inflicted cuts.
That same wand that taught Harry to close his mind.
That same wand that trained him to be a better duelist.
And Harry looked into those dark eyes as he faced that stranger that wore his dad's face. Those dark eyes that once looked at him with love.
Eyes that once shone with pride for Harry, eyes that once danced with laughter and happiness.
And dark eyes that once brimmed with tears, with a voice that told Harry: I'm sorry. A deep voice, full of comfort, of family, of love, a voice that was his dad's.
His dad's voice that once told Harry: "I love you, kid…"
His dad's face, his dad's dark eyes, his deep voice, his dad's wand to Harry's chest…
It was now all twisted and cruel.
And fear, it rooted Harry in place, paralyzing him. He closed his eyes, his heart thumping heavy and fast with overwhelming fear as the stranger that was in his dad's body shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"
Those dreams were constant, leaving Harry exhausted, making it difficult to get through the day.
On a day during the second week of Harry's stay, he finished his list of chores earlier than usual. Relieved that he finally had an afternoon with no housework, Harry quickly freshened himself up and ate a quick lunch from the new care package sent by Mrs. Weasley. She had sent freshly baked treacle tart, Harry's favorite dessert. It smelled so good that even Harry couldn't deny himself a large piece.
He was rushing down the stairs when he was stopped by Aunt Petunia.
"Hold it, Potter," she snapped, appearing at the bottom of the steps like an apparition.
Harry stopped on the fourth step as his aunt studied him with narrowed eyes and her usual pursed lips of disapproval, and as usual, always looking as if she despised what she was seeing, as if Harry were a dirty stray that had been invited to stay at her clean house.
Harry only stared back at Aunt Petunia with a neutral expression on his face, not showing the sudden self-consciousness she was causing in him. What was she looking for when she looked at him like that?
"Where have you been going?"
Harry was thrown off by her sudden question. He didn't even think his aunt had noticed him leaving the house during the first week of his stay. But that was a while ago, Harry had been forced to stay at the house for days now, being kept busy with all of Uncle Vernon's daily lists of chores. He could only stare at her, dumbfounded. Harry had no idea what this was about, what version of Aunt Petunia this was… The Aunt Petunia who secretly started to care for him or the Aunt Petunia who hated him.
Aunt Petunia scowled at Harry's lack of response. "Answer me, Potter!"
Harry flinched. "The park," he said.
Aunt Petunia frowned, her eyes going over him once more. "Did you finish Vernon's list?"
Harry nodded, handing the checked-off list to her. He was going to leave it on the counter before he left. He watched his aunt study it with a frown.
"Be back before dinner," was all she ended up saying.
Harry could only just nod and watch her walk away. He had no idea what that was about nor did he stay any longer to find out. He hopped down the rest of the stairs and was out of the Dursleys' house as fast as he could be.
.
.
When Harry returned home, Aunt Petunia instantly called him into the kitchen. He almost pretended as if he didn't hear her, tempted to just race up to his room. He didn't want to be at the table with his aunt and uncle, where he wouldn't be able to eat under their hateful gazes. He was starving from being out in the park for hours and was thinking of the delicious food from Mrs. Weasley that was under a Stasis Spell and kept underneath the loose floorboard.
"Potter, come in here!" Uncle Vernon boomed.
Harry took a deep breath, bracing himself, then went into the kitchen.
It was just Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon eating at the table. Dudley wasn't there, and Harry figured he was either at work or the gym.
A bowl filled with canned soup was waiting for Harry at his usual seat. Uncle Vernon glared at him with suspicion and dislike.
"Sit down and eat," Aunt Petunia only said with disdain.
His body was tense, ready to fight back or bolt as Harry quietly did as told, sitting down, not really sure what to expect from his relatives, wondering if he was about to get punished or lectured for something he did wrong.
They continued to glare at him. Harry picked up his spoon, filling it with the salty canned soup and brought it up to his lips. The smell of it, the soggy and cold texture of it made Harry want to be sick. Memories of growing up eating nothing but this at times filled him up with sudden nausea, he was sure he looked green.
But did they notice? Probably. Did they care? No.
"Your aunt told me that you went to the park today," Uncle Vernon said to Harry after two small bites.
Harry nodded, "Yes, sir, I did."
"Well, no more of that!" Uncle Vernon spat. "We can't have you dallying around out there. You're almost seventeen. Stop acting like a child. Get a job or stay in the house and work. Next time you're done with that list early, find something else to do! Got that, boy?"
Harry felt anger and frustration rising up in him. He couldn't believe he was getting scolded for just going to the park after he finished his chores. Before Harry could stop himself, he lost control of his temper and spoke back, "I'm only going to be here for a few more weeks. There is no point in me getting a job. That is not why I'm here, and why would I even need it? It's not like I need muggle money!" He was brave enough to speak out, but not brave enough to look Uncle Vernon in the eye. Harry kept his eyes on his cold soup, glaring at the tiny peas and carrots floating around in the salty liquid.
Harry could feel Uncle Vernon's furious stare burning a hole right through him. He knew his uncle was itching to hit him for daring to talk back.
Why doesn't he just do it?
"The point is to teach you responsibility! I can't have you lazing about in my house!" Uncle Vernon scolded.
"I'm not lazing about!" Harry argued back with a scowl, his hands were now on his lap, trembling.
There was a pause, a heavy one. Then, "Look at me, boy!" Uncle Vernon slammed a heavy hand on the table, causing the dishes to clatter and the salt and pepper shakers to topple over and spill out their contents, causing Aunt Petunia to huff out with annoyance.
"Do I need to lecture you about all of this again or do I need to beat…" Then Uncle Vernon stopped abruptly, his eyes glancing around the windows and doors, as if he suddenly feared somebody coming in uninvited.
Harry just continued to keep his eyes down. He knew what Uncle Vernon meant, even if his threat went unfinished.
"Answer me, Potter!"
"No, sir, you don't!" Harry answered back, trying his hardest to keep his voice even-tempered but miserably failing.
"I bloody sure hope so! And keep that door open! How many times do I have to tell you?"
There was a brief pause.
"Boy! Eyes on me when I'm speaking to you!"
Harry slowly met his uncle's eyes, taking in the anger and hatred gleaming in them. It wasn't as if Harry wanted to be here freeloading from them. He would never have chosen this if it weren't for the events that occurred in June, leaving him little choice. He was here to protect them from the war. And this sudden rule about his bedroom door having to be open, it sparked irritation so fierce that before Harry knew it, he was shouting back.
It was better to shout. It was better to risk getting beaten for running his mouth back at them, then allowing himself to stay quiet, to allow Uncle Vernon to turn him into a scared little kid again, to hold onto his emotions until his underage magic began to rise up and become uncontrollable. Harry could already feel it rising up in him. It was like a crackling electric storm just waiting to explode.
Harry took deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm. He could feel the static of his magic in the room, knew that Aunt Petunia could feel it by the way her eyes widened in shock, then glared at him with her face filled with fear.
"Why does it have to be open all of a sudden? You've always preferred to keep it close so you won't have to see me, so you can pretend that I don't exist!" Harry argued. "I'm not doing drugs if that is what you've two been thinking! I'm not lazing about your house, that is not what I came here to do. I've been fucking cleaning it for you without a single complaint! I'm here to keep you safe, I'm here so that the wards could hold until the night of my birthday, and once that happens then I'll be out of your way, I promise!"
Uncle Vernon must've not expected Harry to talk back like that because his face had quickly turned purple. It seemed as if he were holding himself back from grabbing Harry with all he had, and it made Harry wonder if his uncle had been threatened by the Order without his knowledge, remembering how Uncle Vernon abruptly stopped mid-sentence when threatening him.
As that realization went through his head, Harry didn't show it. He just focused on keeping his attention on his uncle, just as Uncle Vernon demanded of him. Now Harry wasn't having trouble controlling his temper any more, he was having trouble trying not to laugh. He could feel the pressure of his underage magic begin to lessen. The purple face Uncle Vernon was pulling was becoming comedic now and Harry wondered if his uncle was even breathing.
"Wait…" Aunt Petunia suddenly spoke.
Harry turned his attention to his aunt. She had been quietly eating the whole time her husband had been shouting at Harry. Now her utensils were down and she was wringing her napkin nervously in her bony hands.
"The wards, once they go down when you come of age, wouldn't that leave us vulnerable to…" Aunt Petunia stopped, seeming as if she was unsure of what word to use.
And for a rare moment, Harry felt pity for his aunt. His aunt and uncle never asked to get caught in a war that was in a world they had no part of, didn't belong in. Harry brought the war to them, and had written their names on Voldemort's list as soon as Dumbledore left Harry on their doorstep. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon never asked for this, never asked for Harry to be in their care. It wasn't fair to them, even though they were so horrible to Harry, it still wasn't fair.
"I'm sure the Order of the Phoenix has plans for what is to come next…" Harry said with uncertainty that was detected by Aunt Petunia.
"But you are not sure!" she snapped.
"No, but I do know they won't leave you defenseless," Harry said. "I'm sure they have a plan, they just haven't shared it with me yet."
Harry hated that he was so unsure of what he was saying. He found himself wishing for the millionth time for any sort of contact from the Order or at least from Remus or his friends. Why couldn't they keep some line of communication open to him? Why leave him in the dark and trapped at Privet Drive like all of his previous summers? He wasn't a child anymore, he was going to be seventeen. He was the one the prophecy was about… All of Harry's old arguments that he would use against Severus and Dumbledore when they kept secrets from him, they all ended up being ignored. They were still being ignored. At the thought of that, it made Harry feel all the more frustrated and angry again at the Order, at Remus, his friends. Remus, Ron and Hermione especially, they knew how much Harry hated being kept in the dark about the war.
Uncle Vernon looked at Harry, then at his wife. "Don't you dare talk about that nonsense under my roof!" he shouted at Harry. "Go to your room, now!"
"No, Vernon, I want him to stay here until he finishes that," Aunt Petunia gestured at Harry's barely touched bowl of cold soup. "And I'm the one who wants your door open," she continued coldly to Harry. "Even if you aren't using drugs or smoking, I want to make sure you are not doing anything else you shouldn't be doing!"
Harry only scowled, then he caught Aunt Petunia's eyes flickering over to Harry's arm, the one that was covered in self-harm scars under his sleeve. And it dawned on him why Uncle Vernon was so convinced that Harry was under the influence. Aunt Petunia had used those reasons as a cover for his self-harm, and of course Uncle Vernon had eaten up those lies and believed her. Aunt Petunia didn't want his door closed so he could hide and cut himself like he did last summer.
Harry self-consciously pulled down his sleeve further. "You don't have to worry about that…" he muttered. "I'm not hungry, can I be excused, please?"
"No, you heard your aunt!" Uncle Vernon snapped at Harry. "Don't waste our well-earned money and food, be grateful we've allowed you to sit here and eat with us!"
Harry succeeded in not rolling his eyes at his uncle. He was sure the soup in front of him had costed next to nothing for them.
But still Harry sat there with them, just staring down at his food, unable to make eye-contact with them anymore, stirring the contents of his food around. He couldn't eat even if he wanted to, the very sight of the soup, the smell of it, was making him feel sick.
Once the Dursleys were finally done eating, Harry made to get up with them as well and help out with the dishes, but Aunt Petunia saw and scowled, "No, you are not wasting my food! You are not to leave until you finish it, and I don't care how long that takes you!"
That was the first night she started doing that. Harry hated meal times all the more now. He didn't even know why she even bothered to force him to eat. Why Aunt Petunia pretended to suddenly care if Harry lost a bit of weight. She never cared before, never cared if Harry had enough to eat when he was small, and suddenly now she was worried? Harry not being able to eat when stressed or when his mental health wasn't so great, that was the result of her not caring. Harry sitting at her kitchen table, staring at barely touched, cold food. Not being able to look at the people who raised him in the eye, unable to trust them or talk to them, covered with visible and invisible scars. That was the result.
It was annoying. Aunt Petunia wouldn't let him leave. Evening after evening, she made him sit there until he slowly finished everything on his plate, even when the rest of the family had been done for hours and were now off doing their own things before bed.
It was a Saturday at Privet Drive, after the Dursleys finished their dinner. Harry had been working in the garden all day again, and he was tired, he was exhausted from too much sun, and Harry had accidentally made himself sick from drinking too much water at once when he came back into the house, and so he refused to eat a single bite.
His bowl of soup had long ago grown cold and stale, but Harry was stubborn, he was prepared to sit there well into the night. And it was, it was late, Harry was sitting at the table alone. The lights were dimmed and his aunt and uncle could be heard watching t.v. in the living room.
Suddenly a shadow casted over Harry, who looked up to see who it was. He then looked away, not wanting to say anything to his cousin. He was feeling humiliated and annoyed enough without an added argument with Dudley.
Dudley took Harry's plate, throwing away the contents of it and then poured water into the kettle for tea, setting it on the stove to boil.
It was silent, a deafening and heavy silence between them.
Dudley then sat at the table, eating a biscuit and placing a plate filled with more between them. He had two cups of tea as well, placing one in front of Harry and keeping one for himself. Dudley had on his work uniform, he hadn't been home during the evening like most, showing Harry that his cousin had just come home from work. The smell of cars, motor oil and sweat had wafted over to him.
And when Harry couldn't stand the silence anymore, he forced himself to say with a small grin, "What's up, Big D?"
Dudley shrugged, cringing at his nickname given by his gang of friends. Harry wondered if he still hung out with them. He hadn't seen or heard about them all summer.
"Just fancied a cup of tea after work, thought you could use one. It's mint by the way, good for upset stomachs," Dudley answered Harry back.
"When did you get into tea?" Harry snorted with amusement.
Dudley shrugged again, suddenly blushing furiously. Harry was miffed, he'd never seen his cousin in that state. "There's this girl I've been seeing."
With that simple explanation, to Harry it all made sense… So it was a girl that had set Dudley straight… Harry forced himself not to laugh over it seeing how they were actually having a civil conversation for the first time in their life.
But…blimey…who was this sudden new Dudley sitting in front of Harry? He didn't recognize his cousin at all.
Dudley must've still seen a reaction in Harry, fidgeting with his teacup awkwardly before saying, "I've been going to her house whenever I can, sometimes I'll have tea with her and her grandma. She lives with her, no parents… She made me see how lucky I am to have parents who would give me everything, to grow up in the same house all of my life, to have two bedrooms at one point…"
"She sounds like quite a catch," Harry said. Ginny and her brown eyes, and the way her hair would whip around her in the wind when flying on her broom was now heavily on his mind. He missed her.
"My parents are horrible to you, Harry, but they have always been great with me. I wish you could have experienced that side of them, they gave me such a good childhood. I know deep down somewhere they do care for you…"
Harry gave Dudley a look of disbelief.
"Or at least Mum does…a bit…" Dudley said. "She's worried about you losing weight… That is what this is all about."
Harry scowled at Dudley's words. "She could be nicer about it, the way she's going about making me eat… It's not helping."
"I know, I've told her that… She just doesn't know how…"
"Why are you defending her!" Harry snapped, not allowing Dudley to finish what he was saying.
"Because like I said, they were great with me… My mom she just, I don't know maybe it's the…magic," Dudley whispered, learning to fear that word when he was at a young age. "It changes her."
And then again it was silent, but this time not an awkward or heavy one, because Harry understood, even though what Dudley said shouldn't excuse Aunt Petunia from treating him so horribly, but Harry didn't want to spend the evening arguing about something that he or Dudley could never change. Something Aunt Petunia could only change herself.
Harry then glanced at Dudley again, trying to figure his cousin out. "So, you're working, you go to the gym, and you have a girlfriend? Do you have any more surprises?"
Dudley scoffed at Harry's list. "I think that's about it."
"Do you still hang with the old gang?"
"Not as much anymore, only Piers when I have time… They are all dickheads, really…"
Harry chuckled at that, "Dudley, you used to be the leader of those dickheads, what happened?"
Then he wasn't chuckling anymore, Dudley's easy smile at Harry's humor growing serious. "What happened?"
Dudley drank a bit of his tea, fiddling with the string of the teabag. "It was… It was what you called them… Dementors?"
Harry nodded, "Yeah they could have that effect on people…"
"Try your tea," was only what Dudley said in return but Harry could hear his fear over discussing the dark creatures quivering in his voice.
Harry didn't bring it to attention, catching the hint that Dudley didn't really want to talk about it. Instead he did what Dudley asked of him, taking a tentative sip of cooling tea. The herby warmth of it washed over him. "Hey, this is decent, thanks for this."
"Cheers," Dudley said. "And thank you for saving my life."
"You don't have to thank me anymore, you already did with the tea bag you sent me for Christmas."
"That wasn't a thank you, it was a Christmas present."
"Well, it was a good cup of tea."
Harry sipped his tea again, then before he realized what he was doing, he reached out and helped himself to a biscuit.
Dudley didn't acknowledge Harry finally eating, they only continued to talk until Harry found himself grabbing another biscuit. Acting like it wasn't a big deal, which Harry appreciated, making him grab a third as soon as he polished off the second one.
They were in the middle of a conversation about how it was like for Dudley to work in the garage when Aunt Petunia walked in, she stopped, surprised at seeing Dudley with Harry at the table with the empty plate between them and empty mugs of tea.
Harry froze, tensed, and he could see Dudley watching his reaction. He felt his face heat up with embarrassment.
"Go upstairs," Aunt Petunia said.
Harry immediately did as told, hearing the voices of his cousin and aunt talking as he climbed up the stairs.
The next day, Harry was able to finish his dinner, taking small, slow bites. It was hard, the soup was still as rancid as he remembered it, but now that he knew from Dudley that this was Aunt Petunia's way of watching out for him, now that he knew that the Aunt Petunia he saw last summer was still there somewhere inside her, buried underneath her cold heart, it made it easier to eat at the table with the Dursleys. And also now that he and Dudley were on friendlier terms, it made Harry feel like he was less alone. It reminded him that even though he was stuck in this house with no sign of magic, that the war was still out there. He couldn't lose himself, he had to remain strong, he had to remain ready to fight for his future, for his friends, his papa, and perhaps even for Dudley's future.
The moon above Remus was only a crescent in the sky. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the horizon of rooftops, relieving the neighborhood of its unrelenting bright heat, allowing Remus to finally take down his cooling charms.
He was standing in the back garden, ears pricked for any little sound. Earlier, when it was still evening and Harry and the Dursleys were having dinner, Remus was sitting in his usual spot on the roof when he heard something moving in the garden again. It was a twig cracking, followed with a soft rustling in the undergrowth. It easily could've been an animal, but still, just to be cautious, Remus started quietly and carefully walking around the house, inspecting the back garden just like the many times he had before since the first time he'd heard the noises. And just like all the other times he'd searched the garden before, there was no visible sign of anything, no animal, no intruder, no scent.
But he felt its presence, and he couldn't explain how. It was there, and it was warm…and it felt safe… His wolf always yipped with excitement every time the noises happened. And because of that, Remus wasn't too worried about it. If it were something that had intent to cause harm to Harry, the wards would have prevented the trespasser from coming so close to the house.
Even though Remus wasn't as worried as he should be about the mysterious noises, after he heard it a few more times after the first time, he still alerted the Order about it. Just in case it did turn out to be something to worry about. A decision he was starting to deeply regret now. It had given Kingsley and Moody another reason to be hard on their rule that no one was to enter the house unless instructed to do so. Anyone that was on watch had to remain invisible and silent.
Remus knew those rules were logical, knew the purpose of them was to keep Harry safe and off the radar from the infiltrated Ministry, that he and the Order were working out a plan to get Harry out of Privet Drive safely and the Dursleys to a safe-house once the wards officially went down, but it was hard to remember that when Remus would hear Harry cry out from nightmares every night in his sleep. It was hard for Remus to just sit there and only listen, to do nothing.
Just like tonight, as the hours passed and the evening turned into midnight, and just like clockwork, Harry's nightmares had begun. At least right now Remus was distracted by the sudden reappearance of the mysterious invisible trespasser.
Remus stopped on the walkway in front of the house. Wherever the intruder was, the garden was quiet now. All he could hear now was the very soft snoring of his partner on watch. It was Mundungus again, sleeping against the wall of the garage. Remus was starting to grow suspicious of the idea that Moody was pairing him and Mundungus up together purposely now. Mundungus had been Remus' partner too many times to count on one hand now. It had to be because of Remus' more powerful sense of smell and hearing and his stronger determination in keeping Harry safe than other members of the Order, that made Moody count Remus as two people on watch, making Remus one of the few members in the Order only Moody trusted that could pick up Mundungus' slack on the job.
A light suddenly went on in Harry's bedroom window. Remus looked up at it with curiosity and surprise, wondering why Harry was suddenly awake in the middle of the night. Did a nightmare finally shake him awake? Remus went to the side of the house, levitating himself up to the roof and quietly situated himself back at his usual spot, leaning against the side of the wooden window.
I'm here, cub, Remus wanted so badly to say. He should just say it, screw Alastor Moody and his rules! There was not a muggle awake for miles. The whole neighborhood was asleep… Paranoid old fool!
But no matter how much he wanted to, knowing he could possibly get away with it since Mundungus was still snoring his head off, Remus couldn't bring himself to speak, and he didn't know why. Maybe it was all of the loneliness and hurt and broken promises that had piled up between Harry and Remus. Maybe it was Remus' guilt for allowing Harry to come back to Privet Drive. Maybe it was because Remus knew that anything he may think of to say to Harry, couldn't make this situation better, couldn't get him out of Privet Drive or take away the nightmares, or even bring Severus back to them. Remus knew that was who Harry truly sought for after his nightmares. Severus had always been so much better at this than Remus had, Remus always managed to mess things up with Harry, he wasn't enough for his cub. Harry wanted his dad and Remus couldn't give him that.
Or maybe that was all just in his head and Remus was just being a bloody coward.
"Remus?" A sudden quiet voice pulled Remus out of his thoughts, causing him to stiffen with surprise. Harry never verbally called out for him. It was always Severus he called for in his sleep. For a moment he wondered if Harry somehow figured out Remus was sitting on his roof, then he realized Harry was just trying to talk to him, his cub's voice uncertain if Remus was really there listening or not.
"I… I don't know if you're out there and I feel really stupid talking to you like this as if you're with Sirius and my parents, I just need to talk to you…"
There was a brief pause as if Harry were waiting for Remus to announce himself. Remus didn't move, only waited. His heart was pounding.
"I keep having the same dream over and over where he kills me… Do you think Severus would've done it that night if you hadn't found us? I can't bring myself to think: Yes, he might have... It hurts too much and it makes me want to cut…those dreams make me want to cut and I'm trying really hard right now not to…"
Harry paused again. Remus' eyes burned at Harry's confession. He could hear his cub taking a breath and letting it out slowly. Remus could sense Harry at the window, probably looking out into the quiet street below him or up at the light-polluted sky that covered most of the stars with its orange light. Harry was unknowingly so very close to Remus. He wanted to answer him, hearing the fear in Harry's voice. The loneliness too and the anxiety over an unclear future. Harry's grief for the loss of Severus blanketed over everything. It was raw, Remus could not only hear it in Harry's voice but he could feel it. It felt like he was being knocked off his feet from the force of it, and he wasn't surprised, Remus knew Harry had been carrying these emotions inside of him all summer, and now they were spilling out. Remus took it all in, bracing himself against them, forcing himself to remain quiet, wrapping his arms around himself. His heart was breaking so painfully that he bowed his head down as Harry continued talking.
"It was my choice to come back here, but it would be so much easier if I could just see you once, papa, instead of being completely cut off from everyone. I know you promised to watch over me, I know you're out there, but I still feel so alone. Every night I fall asleep trying to make sense of Severus and why he did it and I just can't. I can't, and if I could just see you, talk to you or just know you're really out there listening, then maybe it can make things a bit more bearable…"
Then it was silent until Harry whispered, his voice cracking, "I feel like I'm losing you too, papa."
That was what made Remus break his silence. Fuck Alastor Moody!
"You're not losing me, cub, I'm here, I'm right here…" Remus said low enough for only Harry to hear.
He heard Harry stiffen from his shock of unexpectedly hearing Remus answer him, but he didn't say anything in return. He grew silent. Remus guessed Harry was still gazing out of his bedroom window. Remus didn't move or say anything else either, but he could feel the tension between him and Harry soften.
They stayed like that in each other's silence until Remus heard Harry whisper, "Goodnight, papa," followed by the sounds of his cub going back to bed. The light turned off, and Remus kept his ears pricked for the smallest sounds of cutting or for fingers fumbling for something sharp or of nails scraping hard against skin. But not long after that, Harry fell into a deep and quiet sleep.
Remus didn't move from his spot. He stayed where he was just in case Harry should wake again and wonder if he was still there.
After the sun rose and the sounds of the Dursleys waking up from the day filled the house, Remus caught Tonks' scent and could suddenly hear her approaching him on the roof.
She must be the next watch, Remus thought, but then was thoroughly confused to scent both Fred and George with her. Why were three of them here?
"Remus, where are you?" Tonks whispered from somewhere on the roof.
Remus silently moved away from Harry's window, not wanting their voices to carry into his bedroom and wake him.
"Tonks?" Remus whispered back, seeing nothing but he knew she was there. She was under the Disillusion Charm just like himself.
"Fred and George are here to take your post, I was hoping you might like to get breakfast with me?"
Remus immediately shook his head at the thought of having to leave. Harry had been triggered to cut last night. Remus wanted to stay a little longer just in case Harry was still feeling like that when he awoke. Then Remus remembered that Tonks couldn't see him. "No, I must stay here."
"Remus…" Tonks sighed with frustration lacing her voice. She never really lost patience with him so easily before. "Please? I need to talk to you about something. Fred and George are capable of keeping Harry safe for you."
It was Harry's secret to tell, the self-harm, Remus couldn't dare to use it as an argument to stay. He trusted the Weasley twins in watching over Harry and keeping him safe, but they didn't know, they wouldn't be able to hear it if Harry were to wake up and try cutting himself.
"Yeah, don't insult us like that, mate," one of the twins said.
"Go, Remus, have breakfast and rest up for tonight, we got this."
"We know how to deal with these muggles if anything happens."
"No, I do trust you two more than some others in fact. I believe Mundungus is here somewhere napping," Remus pointed out, hoping to turn the conversation to a safer subject.
Tonks scoffed in disbelief and annoyance.
"Can we just stay until Harry wakes up?" Remus asked her.
There was a pause, and Remus wished he could see her face, to figure out what she was thinking. Wishing he could tell her why he was so worried, but again, he couldn't bring himself to tell them. Harry trusted Remus to keep his self-harm quiet.
"Okay, fine, I'll go find Mundungus and send him off, he'll have Alastor to answer to for sleeping on a job." Remus could hear a tinge of annoyance in her voice, but it wasn't enough to change his mind. Whatever Tonks had to talk to Remus about could wait.
It turned out they didn't have to wait long.
Tonks had shaken Mundungus who had woken with a startled snort, muttering a few curse words. Remus heard his footsteps taking him to the Apparition point followed by a small pop, then he was gone.
"Could you believe the gall of him," Tonks came muttering back.
Harry woke up just after that. Remus stayed as still as possible, listening…
"What exactly are you expecting to happen?" Tonks asked him, but Remus didn't reply.
Remus closed his eyes, tuning into his wolf's senses, pricking his ears towards the house, glad for once that they couldn't see him because of the Disillusion Charm. It hid the wolf that was probably showing a bit on his face.
The sounds of Harry waking up in bed and staying there. Remus concentrated especially for any sounds of cutting. Then movement, feet hitting the floorboards, a bathroom door opening, the toilet flushing and running water. Similar sounds were coming from the Dursleys as well. Harry going back to his room. No sounds of cutting to Remus' relief. Petunia called Harry downstairs and once he was under her watch, Remus finally agreed to leave with Tonks.
.
.
It hadn't been very long since Remus and Tonks sort of repaired their friendship, yet it wasn't quite the same anymore. The wound between them had formed an ugly scar, one that was still so hard and painful to forget.
Remus tried to chase away the memory of that awful night, but it stuck itself inside him, lodging itself into his throat so painfully as he and Tonks sat in the shabby diner, looking at their menus. Not a word spoken between them. The conversation between them had started off with small talk, then it just died.
The smell of greasy eggs and breakfast meat permeating the air. The sounds of the kitchen and voices of the employees and diners mingling. The smell of burnt coffee that Remus couldn't stand.
How that night he had followed Tonks back to her apartment, so broken, so lost, hurting and wracked with guilt over Harry having to be at Privet Drive again…of what Severus had done… How Remus had laid Tonks on her sofa, pulling her close to him, allowing her to kiss him, kissing her in return. Giving Tonks false hope that maybe they could be something. But all Remus was really doing was that he was searching for Severus in each kiss he and Tonks shared, but he found nothing. And he lost everything that he and Tonks had between them, their friendship, what it once was. How Tonks begged for Remus to look at her once it was all over. To just look at her, look at her… Look at me! But Remus couldn't. He couldn't bear to meet Tonks' eyes and let her see his deep, deep regret. But she still saw it, felt it, still begged him to look at her, and Remus, being the coward he was, couldn't give her that. It was just a simple request. He couldn't do it. And just like that, a friendship ruined.
"What would it be, loves?" A middle aged waitress with red hair brought Remus back down to earth. A notepad and pen ready in her hands.
"Oh, um," Remus stuttered, his eyes quickly scanning the menu.
"Hmm..how about you take a couple more minutes, would you like some coffee?"
"No," Remus said.
"Yes, please," Tonks said at the same time, giving him a look.
"Okay, tea then, love?" The waitress asked Remus.
"Yes, thank you."
Once she walked off, Tonks put down her menu. "What are you thinking about, Remus?"
"Well I was thinking of the porridge…"
"What? No, Remus, you've hardly said two words. What's going on in that head of yours?"
"You're the one who wanted me to have breakfast with you, let's have breakfast."
Tonks sighed, "You are impossible."
They managed a bit more civil small talk once their food arrived. Tonks seemed to be just as distracted as Remus was, frowning from the thoughts in her head, playing with her food and fidgeting with her coffee cup.
Remus asked her if she was okay and she only nodded.
"You're impossible too," he said, earning a small smile from her.
Once they were done, they walked back to Remus' hotel, since the diner Tonks had chosen wasn't far from it at all. The forced conversation between them had dwindled to nothing again. They walked in silence. The only sounds were of passing cars and the voices of people commuting to work by walking and public transportation, coffees and briefcases in their hands.
Remus wondered what the reason was for, inviting him to have breakfast with her. Wondering if she would even bring it up, why did it seem like she was afraid to?
Tonks suddenly stopped walking. Remus had walked a few steps ahead before realizing that she had fallen behind, he stopped and turned around. Tonks was looking at him with panic in her blue eyes, blue eyes that matched her cardigan over her Weird Sisters t-shirt. Her hair was down and in her natural mousy brown color.
"I suppose you're finally going to tell me what's been on your mind?" Remus asked, stepping in front of her.
"I'm pregnant," Tonks said so suddenly and quietly, as if she'd decided to just rip it off like a band-aid, but Remus heard her. To him, Tonks' words were loud and clear, yet they came to him slowly, sending him into a shock-filled daze that suddenly left him unable to breathe.
"Oh, Remus, take a breath, sweetie!"
Tonks' voice brought Remus back. He found himself kneeling over, his hands on his knees, his blurred vision becoming clear, taking in his worn shoes on the cracked pavement.
"You're pregnant?" Remus choked out, finally letting out a strangled breath, inhaling and exhaling the sudden sweet air. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"It's okay, I had the same reaction when I found out, a bit worse actually…"
Tonks brought her hand to her stomach, and Remus suddenly realized there was an actual person growing inside of her. A person that was going to be a part of him, that may be like him… The world suddenly felt like it was spinning again. How could he have been so careless, so stupid? Now an innocent baby may have to live with this curse that he would never wish upon even to his darkest enemies…
"And I'm keeping it," Tonks continued, seeming unaware of Remus' sudden panic. "I can't bring myself to…" She left the rest of her sentence hanging in the air between them.
The silence was not like the awkward but comfortable silence they had in the diner. This one was heavy, it was the silence before a swelling raincloud. Remus still couldn't believe the news she told him. How could he have been so careless? He asked himself that again over and over with disbelief and anger and guilt. It was always guilt that he was feeling these days. And now, now…there was going to be a child! A child like him, a child living with the curse of being a werewolf without a choice, without even a chance of a normal life without pain or prejudices! Remus had passed on his curse to an innocent baby!
Remus felt himself dry-heaving again. He willed himself to calm down, to take slow, deep breaths. He didn't want to lose himself again in his horror and shock in the middle of the street, and in front of Tonks.
But how was he going to take care of a baby in the middle of this war, even after Remus screwed up so badly with Harry? He was sure he was going to screw this child up as well, poor thing wasn't going to stand a chance with him as its father!
"Remus, Remus, I'm losing you again," Tonks said, reaching out to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing it. "Breathe, sweetie, come on, it's going to be okay."
Remus leant into her touch, allowing her to ground him again, not saying anything, only breathing. And once Remus felt himself calming down again, he straightened himself up. Tonks let go of his shoulder, watching him with wary eyes.
"I'm okay, I'm sorry," Remus rasped. He looked around the street, at the passing muggles that paid him no attention. He nodded his head towards the hotel, indicating to Tonks that he was ready to continue walking.
"We're going to have a baby," Remus broke the silence first, his voice filled with shock.
"We're going to have a baby," Tonks repeated with a smile.
Tonks' voice was filled with shock, but also excitement. Excitement Remus was sorry to admit that he couldn't share. Maybe in another life… Maybe if he didn't have his curse, maybe if she wasn't so young… Maybe he could be… Maybe Remus could be happy and excited to have a baby with his best friend.
But all he could hear was the wolf howling, he could feel it stir in his soul. And all Remus could think was what would Severus say about this? What would Harry say? He could see the anger and hurt in Severus' dark eyes, could imagine the pain in Harry, wondering if his cub would think that Remus was replacing him. Shame went through him. This would prove all of Severus' insecurities right. But now it didn't matter what Severus would think about this now. Only Harry. Harry… This was going to definitely hurt him. This was all a big mistake!
"Tonks, I'm sorry, we should have never… I'm sorry that you're getting punished for what we did, that our baby is getting punished for this now. I never wanted this to…"
Tonks flinched at Remus' words as if he'd struck her. He frowned. They stopped walking. They were right by the hotel now, the lights of the worn-out sign were still on, still flickering in the bright sunlight.
"Punished?" Tonks interrupted, "What are you talking about?"
"How could you not see it?" Remus argued back. "I'm talking about the high possibility of the baby being like me! You may not see that as a punishment, but it is for me! Having to live with the guilt of passing on such a curse to an innocent baby, on our baby! It'll be punishment for them most of all, only because it was born! Think of what your decision may cost, it may be easier on the baby to just…"
"Don't finish that sentence!" Tonks snapped at him. Her mousy brown hair suddenly turned hot pink. Her eyes a blue fire. "Are you one-hundred percent certain that our baby will be born as werewolf?! Are you absolutely certain? And if it does, shouldn't they have the right to live a life as you do? Even if their life would be hard, it certainly wouldn't be cursed!"
Remus shook his head stubbornly at that.
Tonks took both of his hands, squeezing them hard, trying to make him see what she was saying, and Remus tried, he tried, but he was too consumed with that terrible shame and guilt and grief of this baby living like him, being like him.
"Sweetie," Tonks said, looking Remus in the eye. She was so close to him, Remus could almost see little upside down versions of himself reflecting in her dark pupils. "Our baby will have you, and they will have me to guide them. They'll have Harry as a big brother, and the whole entire Order and Weasleys to watch out for them. Trust me they won't be alone. And if you're afraid of them turning out like Greyback and Rowan, don't be. There is going to be goodness in our baby, Remus, there is going to be goodness and happiness and so much love, curse or not, because this baby is ours."
Remus wanted to believe her. He wanted to, but he only squeezed her hands back, trying to get her to understand why it still wasn't a good idea to have a baby together. How could he make her see his fear, his side of this? Tonks would never fully understand how it was to be a werewolf, how hard it was, how limited. How people treated Remus like he wasn't human. How could he explain that? That what she was choosing was a person being born a werewolf, being born into hatred, into people eventually treating them like a monster.
"That's not what I'm afraid of, of course our child will be good, werewolf or not. I know they won't be tempted into living like Greyback or Rowan. It's the suffering I fear, the unfair judgment from the wizarding world for being born a werewolf, for something our child can't help being nor had a choice! I would have to take them to get registered when they turn eleven for Merlin's sake, how fucked up is that, Tonks! Think of what that does to a child's self-esteem, marked and numbered like a dangerous animal! Then told they can't go to school! You do realize I was never registered and allowed to go to Hogwarts only because of Dumbledore? And now with him gone, our child won't have that! I just don't want our baby to be born to a life condemned and limited even more than mine is, that isn't fair to them!"
"You're being over dramatic! Our child won't be condemned if it has us!" The fire in Tonks' blue eyes dimmed out, now they glistened with tears as she argued back, a few of them escaping and slipping down her cheeks. "Our baby's life doesn't have to be condemned! But you are refusing to see it any other way than that!"
Remus let go of her hands, stepping back. "I'm not being fucking dramtic, I'm the only one who is speaking sense!"
Tonks' mouth hung open in fury at his words. "You know what," she scoffed with angry laughter. "Forget this, Lupin! I don't need you to raise a baby! I can bloody do it myself!"
Those words shocked Remus out of what he was doing, that he was allowing himself to spiral into the worst case scenarios. By the look on Tonks' face, the hurt and anger swirling in her eyes, this was not the reaction she was hoping for from him. But what was she expecting? Having a baby right now was bloody insane! But looking at Tonks, Remus could suddenly imagine a child with his hazel eyes and her color changing hair, not a trace of a wolf in its soul. There was a possibility of the baby being born as not a werewolf. There was a chance, a small one that he could barely believe. Maybe Remus just had to hope for that, because possible werewolf or not, this baby was still coming.
Then it hit him like a speeding bludger.
Remus was going to be a father to another kid, and he couldn't screw this up again like he did with Harry. His father's sudden hard hazel gaze burned in his memory, it brought back his old familiar childhood pain, of not being seen, the loss of their relationship, feeling like no matter what Remus did to make his father see him, make him proud, he was never good enough to his father, never human enough and Remus couldn't be like that to his own child. He couldn't become his father. He wanted more for his child. He wanted to be there. And if this baby was born a werewolf, he wanted to be there to make sure they grew up never doubting their humanity.
Tonks was about to walk away, and he couldn't let this conversation end like this, with her thinking she had to do this on her own.
"No," Remus shouted, startling Tonks enough that he was able to take her hand and pull her to him. "No, you're right, you're absolutely right. I'm just spiraling into the worst case scenarios about this. I'm so sorry. I'm a fool, Dora, I really am. Please, forgive me. Werewolf or not, this baby is ours and it's coming. I will not let you raise it alone, our child isn't going to grow up without a father."
Tonks' blue eyes welled up with tears as she took in what Remus was saying. She threw herself into his arms, hugging Remus tightly. Remus hugged her back just as hard, her frame small and soft in his arms. And even though she was different from what he was used to, even though Remus knew she wasn't Severus, and he would never hold Severus like this again, he could get used to Tonks, the way she felt, the way her scent enveloped his senses. Her long hair tickled his nose. She and him, they didn't have to be wrong. They could make this work. It could be something new between them.
"I won't let you do this alone," Remus promised against her shoulder. "Even if we must marry because of this, I'll do it, I'll do anything to take care of you and our kid. We're family now, Dora."
"Wow, what a proposal, Remus," Tonks scoffed. "This isn't the eighteenth century anymore, we don't have to marry just because I'm pregnant." She pulled away from their hug, her eyes now dancing with laughter. "We don't need to let our situation come to that, I trust you to not leave our baby without having to tie you down officially to me. We can try the whole co-parenting thing like you did with Harry and Snape…"
A sudden silence followed, Remus stepped back, struggling to find something to say, to chase it away and keep the restored peace between them, but memories of Severus swarmed his mind, his heart, making it ache. The thought of him, Severus and Harry once being a family, then ripped apart after that terrible night. It was like he was replacing what he'd lost, a new family with Tonks and a baby, and he felt terrible for thinking that.
"Shit, sorry, Remus."
It wasn't that long ago when Remus and Severus were planning a great summer break at the cabin for Harry. The loss of that, it hurt, as if Severus had just punched him in the gut that very moment, taking his breath away, making his eyes sting, causing him to want to be sick. That nauseous feeling… Just when he'd started to think that maybe he could be okay after weeks of drowning in this hurt, it washed over him again, fresh and new and sudden and worse than before.
Remus didn't want Tonks to see how her words affected him, so he shoved the pain down with his laughter. He laughed and picked her up. "We're having a baby!" he said with true excitement this time, spinning her around, causing her to laugh along with him.
Remus then placed Tonks back on her feet, who shook her head at him with exasperation and asked, "What am I going to do with you, Remus Lupin?"
"I have no idea, but bloody hell! Dora! Are we really doing this? We're really crazy enough to have a possible werewolf baby in the middle of this war?!"
Tonks' smile was big with excitement and a bit of panic. "We're absolutely mad, aren't we?"
"The maddest! I didn't hurt the baby when I picked you up, did I?"
"I'm sure, the baby is just fine," Tonks laughed.
That night, Remus dreamed.
He dreamed of a child with eyes like his own. Hazel and golden that shone in the darkness. A child with hair color that changed, just like Tonks. Changing from mousy brown to purple to golden hair to turquoise. Remus reached out to the child, wanting to take their tiny hand, but then the moon emerged from the darkness. Wolves howling, echoing all around Remus as cries coming from the child turned into howls, joining along with his own.
Howls and whispers of…
Pack, pack pack…
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha.
Where are you, where are you?
We are waiting…waiting…waiting…
A/N: I hope everyone is enjoying their summer! Next update will be at the end of July or beginning of August!
Review Responses:
Imainger.012: Haha I can just imagine that, that's me too when my favorite fics get updated. Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad that mine is good enough for you to run to!
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