Chapter Five - Spinner's End
Severus hated summer. It was so fucking hot that even his Cooling Charm wasn't working as he stood against the brick wall under a Disillusion Charm. The idea of going inside the pub was risky, but he could feel the coolness of inside the building everytime the door was opened by a muggle. The heat only made his mood darker with each passing moment, with each drop of sweat he felt sliding down his temple. The drunk had been in the pub for hours now, drinking his weight in beer at the bar. Desperately wanting to escape the summer heat for a while, Severus relented to his risky idea. He just had to make sure that nothing went wrong and he didn't blow his mission. He used his disguise of black muggle clothes and his hair tied back to hide himself from Mundungus Fletcher. First Severus cautiously scanned the pub with his wand for any other Order members also present. It was clear, and knowing Mundungus was dumb enough to never recognize Albus Dumbledore's murderer in the same pub as he was in, Severus went inside for one glass of wine while he waited Mundungus out.
No one paid Severus any attention as he sat himself in the furthest booth from the bar. Only the bartender kept shooting him uncomfortable glances as he wiped a few glasses and served drinks to the alcoholics sitting by Mundungus. Severus stayed there for two hours before growing more impatient and annoyed than he was when waiting outside, seeing by the way the bartender was still looking at him, it was time to go before questions were asked. Severus left his empty glass on the table along with napkins that were charmed to look like muggle money before heading out the door.
Now more hours passed and Severus was about to give up on waiting for that imbecile, that or he was about to pass out from the heat mixed with the overpowering stench of piss and shit that surrounded him. He'd been sitting in his Animagus form behind a few rubbish bins in the alleyway. At first Severus started to worry if he would have enough time to shower before traveling to Privet Drive in the evening, now he was more worried if he would even be able to make it there at all, wondering if Mundungus was going to end up carrying on drinking well into the night.
Dread at the thought of staying here all night filled Severus up, and he was thinking about maybe just calling this mission quits and trying again tomorrow when he finally heard the stumbling of the drunk wizard he'd been cursing at in his head for the better part of the day.
Severus stayed as still as possible as Mundungus' drunkard singing sounded closer, followed by a stream of piss dangerously close to Severus' hiding spot. He silently snarled with disgust. When Mundungus finally finished relieving himself and zipped up his pants, Severus found his chance.
He quickly turned back into his human form and before Mundungus knew what hit him, Severus grabbed him by the front of his shirt, slamming him against the brick wall and placing his wand hard against his temple.
"Snape! What the?!" Mundungus spluttered, trying to fight himself out of Severus' hold.
"Confundo!" Severus shouted before Mundungus could say anything more. He looked into the wretch's dark eyes, watching them become cloudy with confusion.
"You are to bring up the suggestion of moving Harry Potter from Privet Drive on July 27th instead of the expected date, July 30th. You are to suggest to the Order of the Phoenix the idea of Polyjuice Potion. Have six people drink it, creating the diversion of seven Potters in order to confuse any possible Death Eaters waiting to attack. Have an Order member fly with a Potter to different safe houses, while the real Harry Potter goes to the Burrow. If you ask where you got this idea…say…"
Suddenly the door of the pub opened. Severus stiffened, hearing the sounds of a television and the murmurs of conversation before the door closed again.
"Say you got it from watching the telly at the pub before passing out… Repeat everything to me!"
Mundungus did just that, his eyes bloodshot and cloudy, his jaw a bit slack and his words coming out slurred.
"Good, now close your eyes, you are passing out from drinking too much alcohol. You are to wake up with the idea of the seven Potters in your head and you are going to tell it only to the Order of the Phoenix."
Mundungus suddenly passed out. Severus guided him down to the floor, watching him as he keeled over. Severus rolled his eyes with disgust before finally Apparating away from the alley.
Severus returned to Spinner's End, his own personal hell that was currently just as hot. He could only do so many Cooling Charms on this desolate place, and if it weren't so fucking hot, then he would've brewed himself a pot of coffee. He needed the caffeine fix after wasting so many hours waiting for Mundungus, but then the end result of it would be worth it. Severus just hoped his plan worked. He wanted Harry moved out of Privet Drive as soon and safely as possible. Confunding the plan into Mundungus was just a secret nudge from Severus to have the Order get a move on. Harry had done enough time at Privet Drive. It was time for him to leave that place for good, time to allow the wards to fall and the Order to place the Dursleys at a safehouse. It wasn't Harry's responsibility to keep his relatives safe any longer. It should never have been.
Severus wiped the sweat off his face. It was a relief to finally step into the cool shower, closing his eyes under the steady stream, wondering for the millionth time in the passing weeks if he had somehow died on the night he killed Albus, causing his soul to end up here, haunting this Merlin-forsaken house. For Severus, hell wasn't the pit at the bottom of a fiery infernal like most people believed, although the July sun seemed to be trying its best to replicate its scorching temperature during the day. The summer heat wave was unbearable this year, endless heat that caused the rooms of Spinner's End to swell and become stifling, heat that caused Severus to sweat over boiling cauldrons for the better part of the day.
Hell was having to spend the summer alone in this house, having to lie in wait as he planned and plotted all of Albus' requests for the upcoming year. A secret scroll that Severus had found waiting for him on the day he'd returned… He remembered how he felt as he first walked through the door… It was like the walls of his childhood home were laughing at him, mocking him… What are you doing back here? You've really thought you could just leave and never look back? You've really thought you were good enough to escape? You belong here!
Severus read the scroll until he had it all memorized then burned it, it wasn't safe to leave such evidence behind. Now knowing what was waiting for him in Albus' office, it was the headmaster's portrait that would now guide Severus through it all. It was the scroll where he had found the idea of the seven Potters, and his anger towards Albus had softened just a bit for leaving a plan behind on getting Harry out of Privet Drive, showing Severus that Albus already knew of the likely scenario of Harry having to go back, despite the promise Severus demanded of him…to never again allow Harry to go back with the Dursleys. Looking back, Severus realized Albus never gave him a straight answer to his demands, so the old fool knew that Harry would have to go back, the whole time Albus knew, and he'd been planning for it. At least the headmaster had a plan to get Harry out of Privet Drive as quickly and safely as possible. The only reason why Severus wasn't boiling with anger at Albus' manipulative scheming behind his back.
Once done with the shower, Severus dressed in his black robes, the warmth of them causing him to break out in a sweat again as he made his way down to the kitchen for a quick bite to eat.
Spinner's End haunted Severus. Memories of growing up in this house assaulted him constantly, even memories that were long forgotten and suppressed somehow found their way back to him. His father's rage bounced through the walls, following Severus throughout the halls and into each room. His mother's cries echoing in his ears, and in a way, Severus felt like he really had died along with Albus, and a part of him, a piece of him had somehow ended up in hell… Waiting around here, keeping himself busy with work, endless suffocating heat and missing them…missing them constantly, unbearable and lonely silence… This wasn't what one would exactly call living.
Severus couldn't sleep. The first nights were brutal, just staring up the cracked ceiling, at the bare walls, the broken window he used to climb out of to escape his parents fighting, until he would drift into a light restless sleep. Only to wake up moments later, exhausted but unable to sleep any longer. Reading and rereading Remus' song that Severus had torn out of his muggle notebook until he would fall asleep for an hour or two was what kept Severus sane. After that, he just grew used to not sleeping.
And in the mornings, Severus allowed himself to grieve. He allowed himself to be angry, he allowed himself to cry and bargain for all of this to be over, to just be over, that Severus would one day wake up and everything would be done and he would be happy, he would be with them… And in the mornings, he would allow himself to go through each and every memory he had of Remus and Harry. How it felt to hold Remus close, how it felt to sit by his son and just talk to him. And sometimes it was just so easy to stay in bed, easy to forget why Severus was doing all of this. Easy to lose himself in his memories of hazel-green eyes that sometimes shone golden, to lose himself in remembering that quiet and easy smile meant only for him…
Sometimes just cursing at Albus, picturing that electric-blue gaze swimming with amusement in response to Severus' insults usually filled him up with so much anger that it took over his grief and heartache, that Severus found himself getting out of bed, eager to start another hellish day. Sometimes it was just the promise of being so near Harry and Remus at Privet Drive later in the evening, even if he couldn't see them that worked. But it was Harry, always Harry that brought Severus back from his spiraling emotions, always Harry….
And once he was out of bed, that was it. He didn't allow himself to think of them, to miss them, to wallow in his grief. Severus couldn't lose himself like that, he couldn't afford to. He had a job to do and he must be strong to see it through, otherwise this would all be for nothing…because even though Albus was so sure of his plan for Harry having to die in order to defeat the Dark Lord, Severus was going to find another way. He wasn't going to allow his son to die for this war, even if it would be the very last thing he'll do.
Dinner was quick, simple, merely something that would keep him energized… Severus didn't even take the time to sit down, opting to lean against the counter as he chewed his food…taking in the state of the kitchen.
Severus really did hate this house, he hadn't even bothered to take the time to clean up the dust and grime that had accumulated from it being empty for so long. He didn't bother to make it comfortable, only livable, that meant fixing the plumbing and wiping down the kitchen, airing out a single armchair in the sitting room and opening up the window in his old bedroom and cleaning it up enough to sleep on the old bed. He reopened his mother's old potions lab in the basement. His mother had once managed to hide it for quite some time before it was found by her husband, after Tobias learned what she was, what Severus was. It was locked up and Eilleen had never set foot in it again.
When Severus first arrived at Spinner's End, the first thing he did was blast open the basement door lock and set up a temporary station for himself. He didn't go through his mother's things, even though he had the chance for years now since his father's death, but he didn't have the heart to do it, couldn't bring himself to do it….
That was all he was willing to do for Spinner's End. No attachments, no comfort, only livable. This was just a temporary situation until the end of the summer.
Once Severus was done with his dinner, he went down to the basement to check on his simmering potions, wondering how they fared while he wasted most of the day waiting for Mundungus. Brewing was another thing that kept him sane during the day, it helped distract him from the constant aching grief in his heart. He mostly brewed for his personal stores at Hogwarts, mentally remembering what he needed to replenish from the past year. He also mostly brewed for Madam Pomfrey's medical stores like he always did before every new term. Severus wasn't sure if she would accept them, but knowing what he knew, the Carrows soon becoming Hogwarts' newest professors, Madam Pomfrey would soon realize that she was going to need them.
Severus stirred one of the boiling cauldrons, throwing in a mandrake leaf, not liking how light the purple was becoming. A consequence of stirring it counterclockwise and adding in the Mandrake leaves too late.
"Blasted Mundungus," Severus muttered to himself as he began adding a leaf or two more and stirring it slowly until the purple potion began to grow darker.
Normally, Severus would also be brewing for his lesson plans as well, however, this time, he wasn't, allowing him to focus more on brewing for the hospital wing. Severus wasn't returning to Hogwarts in the fall as its Potions Professor. That was officially Slughorn's position once more. Now Severus understood why Albus had hired Slughorn again last school term, he had a plan for Severus and it wasn't Potions nor Defense Against the Dark Arts, upon reading the scroll, Severus also found orders to not only pass on the idea of the seven Potters, but to convince the Dark Lord into coming up with the idea himself in appointing Severus as Hogwarts' new headmaster, a mission Severus had just successfully completed during the last Death Eater meeting, the take over of the Ministry and Hogwarts.
If everything went according to plan, by the end of the summer the Ministry would be infiltrated by the Death Eaters, leaving Hogwarts wide open for them, and Severus would be on his way back to Hogwarts as its new headmaster. It was a blessing in disguise for the students, even though they wouldn't know it. They wouldn't know that Severus would be an ally watching over them, over Harry if he should return, and Severus would be out of Spinner's End and back in his quarters in the Hogwarts dungeons. A familiar place, home, the only spot of light that Severus could see at the end of the dark summer days.
The wound-cleaning potion Severus was working on finally turned into the dark purple he was hoping for. He lowered the flames to a simmer with a tap of his wand. It was safe to leave it alone for the next twenty-four hours until it would begin to heavily smoke and be ready to be stored in several phials. Severus then checked on a few other boiling cauldrons, stirring them a bit, adding a few ingredients in one of them and lowering the flames on another, until he was satisfied that everything would be okay until the next time he was able to come back down here.
It was finally time to journey to Privet Drive as he did every evening after dinner and one last check over his potions. He spent his time in the back garden under the disguise of his Animagus form, usually hiding under Petunia Dursley's large hydrangea bushes underneath the dining room window. He was thankful that his pelt was midnight-black, easy to hide if he stayed still enough, plus the overwhelming scent of the flowers hid his scent from a certain werewolf often hiding out on the roof near Harry's bedroom window. He just had to take extra care to be as quiet as possible, careful to make the littlest sounds as possible. It was difficult, as Severus was still getting used to being comfortable in his Animagus body. He always used a portkey which was the wolf pendant Remus had given him, hanging around his neck, charmed to always take Severus straight to his hiding spot, the safest and quietest way to travel.
When Severus had first heard that Harry was to return to Privet Drive due to the adoption being nullified, it took everything in Severus to stay calm, to keep his face passive and somewhat annoyed, to let some of that old hatred for Harry spark up and show itself. He had just returned to Malfoy Manor with Narcissa, reporting his version of the night's events and the death of Albus Dumbledore to the Dark Lord who sat at the head of the long marble table. The Ministry owl had dropped off the scroll in the middle of him speaking. A tense, heavy, dangerous silence had followed.
"Go on, Severus, open it, we don't keep secrets here, do we?" The Dark Lord had hissed, glaring at Severus through dangerous red slits.
Severus suppressed a disgusted shiver as he remembered himself opening up the scroll, forced to read out loud. He knew it would come eventually when the Dark Lord would discover the adoption. He warned Albus of it so many fucking times. Now he was gone, leaving Severus to deal with the deadly consequences of it.
He remembered how he could feel the eyes of Fenrir Greyback as he read out the scroll to the Dark Lord. Red eyes watching, waiting for the tiniest reaction out of Severus. His lips curled with satisfaction to see Severus be brought down by the Dark Lord. Severus could feel Bellatrix's dark hateful glare on him. When Severus had arrived, he was invited to sit at the Dark Lord's right-hand side; she burned with jealousy as Severus took his seat. As he finished reading the scroll, the first thing he saw was Draco's wide fearful eyes, next to him was Narcissa, eyes casted down on the table. Only Severus knew her true loyalties and she knew his. An unexpected alliance that came out of this horrid night. Then silence followed. They were waiting, all waiting to see if Severus bore some parental attachment to the boy-who-lived, and Severus didn't give that to them.
The silence didn't last long before Severus was hit by the Dark Lord's Cruciatus Curse. He felt himself fall to the floor, the cool marble floor underneath him as his body spasmed out of his control, and for a horrid moment, all he felt was pain. All he knew was pain. Guttural screams echoed around him, and it took him a moment to realize those were his own, they danced along with Bellatrix's laughter.
Then the pain stopped, leaving him panting, sweating and twitching on the floor, the coppery taste of blood in his mouth, the scent in his nose.
Then the Dark Lord's assault came next. His voice hissing in Severus' head.
How dare you keep something this important from me… How dare you keep this secret for so long… Where is your loyalty in this, Severus? Show me… Show me…
Severus grunted from the straining effort as he pushed forward the memory he had long ago created and kept safe, ready to use for this exact moment. He willingly handed it over for the Dark Lord to take. Severus felt him watching Albus ordering him to sign the document to keep Harry under their control, and to keep this highly classified. No one should know, even the Dark Lord. Severus pushed forward the emotions the Dark Lord expected him to have over it. Pure hatred for Harry, annoyance and anger of having to be a parent to him. Guilt for not being able to tell the Dark Lord, but wanting to so very much with all of his being, to stay truly loyal to him. And also regret, but only at the loss of the adoption signaling the loss of control over Harry Potter. The Dark Lord drank it all in.
I see you… Remember that you are mine, Severus, I see your loyalty, but you must try harder. I see you, you are mine, don't forget that!
The Dark Lord then pulled himself out of Severus' head, leaving him still and shaking from the sudden mental assault.
Sometimes Severus marveled at how easy it was to manipulate him. The Dark Lord was so consumed by darkness and hatred, it was making him careless, stupid… It almost gave Severus hope that perhaps he could survive the war through lies and manipulation.
Severus was then punished again, this time for allowing Harry to slip out of his control, and he took it, accepted it, endured it, because it was better than death. As much as Severus would have welcomed it, he couldn't afford that just now. There was still too much to do. Albus left him with so much to do, and now Harry… Harry was no longer officially linked to him during the last months of him being underaged. That could be dangerous, especially now that the Dark Lord knew. And with Albus gone, Harry was left vulnerable. They now knew where he was, that scroll from the Ministry confirmed it. It led to the Death Eaters discussing a plan to get to Harry without the blood wards getting in the way.
When Severus had finally escaped that meeting, he Apparated back to Spinner's End, he fell to his knees on the kitchen floor. His hands in his head and he screamed out everything he was holding inside.
He knew what Harry was going to choose. That scroll from the Ministry had stated that either he choose to go into foster care or go back with the Dursleys until he became of age. And of course Harry was going to go back to his relatives, it would be easier for the Order to keep track of him during the summer and it would keep him and the Dursleys safe under Lily's ancient blood ward. Severus knew Harry so well, well enough to know that Harry would choose it to keep them safe, not wanting them to die because of him, the danger he was putting them under by being related to him. Harry was too bloody noble for his own good sometimes, something Severus couldn't shake out of him, no matter how many lectures he gave his son on putting his safety before others.
Bloody Gryffindors! This was why he hated them!
Also, Severus had failed Harry, causing him to scream again with anger this time directed at himself. He never made sure Harry would be officially secured to go to Remus after the task, he just never thought the adoption would be nullified like that. He never did any paperwork stating Remus would be the next legal guardian, because he knew they were going to be denied as soon as they saw Remus' name. The only reason why Severus had been approved was because of Albus, why couldn't he have done the same courtesy for Remus? All of this was happening over bloody paperwork and prejudices! His son was back with his abusers! Another promise to Harry from Severus that was broken!
Severus had set off to King's Cross on the day he knew the Hogwarts Express was set to arrive. It had only been days since Severus had last seen Remus and Harry. Only days that felt like years. He'd stayed hidden in his Animagus form as he watched them walk behind the Dursleys. Severus drank in the sight of them, noting the fear Harry was hiding, the brave font he had on. The exhaustion showing in the line's of Remus' face, in his eyes. The grief they both carried on their shoulders. And he hated himself for it, for doing that to them. He was sure that they would never forgive him, especially when he saw no way of him ever forgiving himself. Severus was then reminded how scary and intimidating Remus could be when he wanted to be when he saw him threatening Vernon Dursley. It was hard for Severus to not just open the car door and take his son out of there.
Ever since then, every spare evening, Severus hid under the hydrangea bushes at Privet Drive. Ears always pricked for any sounds that may be abuse towards Harry, but as the days stretched into midsummer, not a single physical incident had passed other than Dursley constantly threatening or lecturing Harry. Dursley kept his hands off of Harry, and if he should ever decide to, Severus wasn't even sure how he would go about it without blowing his cover, but that didn't stop him. He had to be there, near his son, watching over him just in case… It was a reminder to why everything had to happen, why he was pretending to be a traitor to Albus and the Order of the Phoenix, to Remus and Harry. It gave Severus something to do in his evenings, it was another thing preventing him from going stir crazy alone in Spinner's End, from losing himself in his head, his guilt and heartache.
And even though now, as Severus porkeyed into his hiding spot, even though he couldn't see him, he knew Remus was up on that roof just like every other night, just like himself, keeping watch over their kid. It always took Severus a great amount of effort to not just give into his longing to reveal himself to Remus, to go to him, to sit beside him and just tell him everything… Then in the end Severus would say… Can I join you, wolf? Oh, how I've missed you…
And Remus would smile at him and move aside a bit to make some room. The happiness back in those hazel-green eyes… I've missed you too, dear. Where have you been, Severus? Where did you go off to? Are you here to stay now?
And Severus would pull Remus into his arms, would place a kiss on his temple, breathing in the sweet, sweet scent that he missed so much… I'm here to stay… Believe me, darling, I've never wanted to leave you in the first place. How's our kid doing tonight?
Oh, what a relief that would be… A way out of this hellish summer. An impossible scenario that could never ever happen, yet could if Severus had the courage, the selfishness to blow his cover like that and mess everything up that Albus had planned for the war to end in their favor.
He pushed the scenario away, it was only starting to hurt. He rested his chin on his paws with a sigh, his breath coming out in a huff. His ears pricked up towards the open dining room window, quickly becoming disgusted by the sounds of Vernon Dursley eating. Harry was with them, Severus could hear him, and he listened for the sounds of his son eating as well.
It was then when he felt the first twinge of his dark mark burn, even as an Animagus, Severus could feel it pulsating until he answered it, showing him that either animal or human, he could never escape the Dark Lord's call. But he didn't answer it right away. He wasn't ready to leave yet. He just wanted to make sure Harry took at least one bite of his food.
Harry barely ate most days, only taking small bites when his aunt would snap at him to not waste her food. Severus wasn't surprised by this behavior at all. Harry always had trouble eating when things were often out of his control or was too consumed by stress and anxiety. It was an eating disorder they never really found the time to discuss, and Severus regretted that…deeply…
The dark mark suddenly burned more sharply, causing Severus to bite back a yelp.
Come on, son, just a few bites… I cannot go not knowing if you ate tonight… Severus inwardly pleaded. The Dark Lord, just like Albus, always had such rotten timing.
Severus took a deep breath through the burning pain and closed his eyes, concentrating on the sounds in the dining room until he found Harry, zooming in on him, ignoring the pull of the Dark Lord, gritting his teeth until he finally heard Harry eating. Severus let out a sigh of relief. His heart was thudding fast, his chest feeling tight, but he stayed there until Harry ate a few more bites and then stopped. Resigned, Severus decided that he had ignored the Dark Lord long enough, it was time to go.
He was just getting up, ready to touch the portkey that hung around his neck with his nose, when another jolt of pain shot through him. It was so fast and fierce, angry and impatient, it caused Severus to flinch and step back. His back paw landed on a twig, causing it to crack and snap underneath his weight. Severus froze from the sound of it, then silently crouched down to the floor, backing into the darkest parts of the bushes, staying as still as possible as he heard footsteps coming near him. Severus prayed that his scent was still hidden by the heavy perfume of the hydrangeas.
It was Remus, it had to be Remus… He was the only one who had strong enough hearing to be able to catch Severus' blunder. Now he was coming this way, ready to investigate. Severus' heart was thudding so very loudly and heavily in his chest that he was afraid of the possibility of Remus hearing that too. And he could've just portkeyed away at that moment. Severus could have just left without a sound, but something in him made him stay as still as possible, frozen, maybe he wanted Remus to find him and then he could just be forced to deal with the consequences of his cover being blown. He just wanted Remus to see him, and then maybe that could lead them back to where they had left off… Another start, a new beginning once Remus would understand why. But if that happened, it wouldn't be the same. How could it ever be the same? How could they get past all of this, of what Severus had done, of what he had ruined, of what he had forced Remus and Harry to believe him as, a traitor, a murderer, once a Death eater, always a Death Eater.
And suddenly, Severus knew Remus was standing right in front of the bushes he was hiding under. He stayed as still as possible, not even daring to breathe, the dark mark burning and pulsating and pulling him to go to his master. Severus ignored it. He stared into empty air. Remus was under the disguise of the Disillusion Charm. Severus wished more than anything that he could just see Remus' face, see those eyes, those lips, the curve of his jaw, the lines of his face and his golden hair that always got into his eyes. He felt his heart squeeze in pain that had nothing to do with the dark mark, felt it beat with longing and grief, reminding him of all the lonely summer nights, awake and alone in his childhood twin bed.
Severus wanted Remus to see him. He wanted to see Remus. He wanted Remus to smile at him and say: I've been looking for you, where have you been? Did you hear Harry finally eating? He's going to be okay tonight. You can go, Severus, go to Voldemort, do your part for this war… There's no need to let that dark mark hurt you any longer than necessary, and then you can come back. I'll be right here with our kid, waiting for you…
And when Severus couldn't take the heartache anymore, when he felt his frozen body begin to tremble from staying so still in his crouch, Severus silently pleaded for Remus to go… Just go, my love, just go, just go, just go, it hurts, it hurts, he's calling me and I don't want to go! I don't want to leave you and Harry, but I must!
Then footsteps were finally heard and Severus knew Remus was gone. He could feel the emptiness of the air that was between them.
Severus let out the breath he was holding, then bent his head down to touch the portkey with his nose, taking him back to Spinner's End so he could transform himself back into his human-self then Apparate to Malfoy Manor.
.
.
Severus wasn't the only one late to the meeting. Yaxley appeared just as he did at the gates of Malfoy Manor. They both immediately held their wands to each other, before realizing who the other was and lowered them.
"Severus," Yaxley said.
Severus only bowed his head in greeting. He wasn't wearing his Death Eater mask, he didn't need it anymore. What Severus had done, murdering Albus Dumbeldore for the Dark Lord, had caused Severus to rise up in rank. It made him all the more hated and whispered about among the Death Eaters, however, Severus didn't give a fuck on what they thought.
They walked together through the gates and through the elaborate gardens. Yaxley made irritating small talk that Severus carefully followed along. He was just hoping that Yaxley's lateness would distract the Dark Lord from his own.
The first thing Severus saw when entering the hall was the body. It rotated over the long table where every Death Eater sat in silence. The Dark Lord was at the head of the table, a fire dancing menacingly in the grate behind him. Nagini slithering over his shoulders, her hissing dancing along with the cackling flames were loud in the silent hall.
"Severus, Yaxley, it's nice for you to finally join us…" The Dark Lord hissed. Yaxley's face grew pale. "Tardiness is not something I tolerate!"
And Severus found his godson. He was the only one who gave the rotating body his silent attention.
Yaxley grunted in pain besides Severus as a cut appeared on his face. Severus paid him no mind, his focus on Draco. Taking in his sickly pale face, the fear and horror in his grey eyes.
Godson… This will end soon, I promise you that. Just hold on as long as you can…
"I'm sorry my Lord, It shouldn't happen again, I assure you I was late for a very good reason," Yaxley pleaded his case.
"Sit next to Dolohov," The Dark Lord only said with disgust. "Severus, besides me."
Severus made his way down to his empty seat, eyes now straight ahead, focused on the fireplace. Rising up to the Dark Lord's right hand side did have its perks he guessed, realizing he was spared from punishment. But he felt their eyes following him, felt their anger at why he was spared punishment for being late and not Yaxley. He ignored them all.
Taking his seat, Severus' eyes landed on the rotating body, immediately realizing it was a woman; he wasn't sure if she was alive but he recognized her face.
The horror of it seeped through him, and he worked to keep himself from showing it.
"Severus! Were you able to figure out when Potter is to be moved?! I assume that is the reason for your own tardiness?"
The Dark Lord snapped Severus out of rebuilding his shields, leaving them undone and his thoughts vulnerable, and before Severus knew it he was trapped in red eyes that he couldn't look away from. His body shook as he realized his shields were down, everything was there for the Dark Lord to see. The only way out of this was to distract him by giving him what he wanted, buying Severus time to bring his shields back up, how could he have been so careless to let them go down!
"My Lord," Severus said, keeping his voice calm and controlled. "My Lord, I apologize for being late. I was successful… The Order of the Phoenix are planning to move Potter on the nightfall of July 27th."
The Dark Lord didn't say anything at first, taking the information, delving into his mind and seeing the memory of Severus confunding Mundungus in the alleyway. July 27th… Severus let him have it. It was better than him finding out more important things that Severus kept hidden. It was the reason why he had thought of that tactic, a backup plan, just in case this might happen.
Thankfully the Dark Lord pulled himself out of Severus' head before he got the chance to see the plan of the seven Potters. Severus' body shook with relief, although to the others in the room it looked like it was just from the strain of the Dark Lord forcefully violating Severus' mind.
And of course, of course, Yaxley couldn't bear to be beaten down by the Dark Lord's favor of Severus again. He challenged Severus' information, distracting the Dark Lord enough to allow Severus to bring back up his shields, keeping everything nice and safe once more.
He gave the Death Eater a thankful sneer that only looked like Severus was enjoying seeing Yaxley stutter his way out of the hole he built himself under the Dark Lord's attention.
They then went on to discuss the plan of attack. They were to wait up in the air on brooms and ambush the Order of the Phoenix as soon they left Privet Drive, discussing how their only way to transport Harry would be through flight, as the Order by this time would have belief that the Ministry would be infiltrated and could track Apparition, the floo network and registered portkeys. Severus clenched his fist under his robes as the Dark Lord announced to everyone that he would join the battle and personally attack Harry himself. Having faith in the wards to protect Harry, Severus also secretly made a vow to himself that he would be there to prevent anything like that happening. He was not going to let that monster hurt a single hair on his son's head if he could help it.
Severus didn't speak anymore once those plans were made. His gaze now on Draco as the Dark Lord bullied Lucius into surrendering his wand to him.
He wanted this meeting to be over. He was angry at himself for his slip-up. He was lucky that the only piece of information he lost was the date of Harry being moved out of Privet Drive. It all could have turned out much worse if Severus hadn't known what to do to save face… It wasn't like him to mess up like that, to be careless, but he knew what happened, it was why he kept his eyes resolutely on Draco for the rest of the meeting, not daring to look at the rotating woman again. He couldn't bear to look at her again and have the guilt and horror spreading over him once again, knowing that he couldn't do anything to help her. It would only distract him from keeping his mental shields up.
Then Severus' attention was jolted back to the meeting with the most dreadful news…
"I'm talking about your niece, Bellatrix! Pregnant with that werewolf, Remus Lupin's child... I'm certain they would have to marry now…" The Dark Lord sneered with a mixture of disgust and glee to see Bellatrix fidget in her seat, her black eyes full of shame and horror. "Two werewolves in your family now, how…nice…"
Snarls and hisses among the table echoed through the room. Severus didn't join them. He kept his gaze straight ahead, aimed at a vase just near the door. Succeeding in looking aloof and bored, even though deep inside his heart was breaking and screaming in his chest, hidden behind all of his shields.
That can't be true! Severus silently battled with himself. It can't! There's no way Remus would ever sleep with that witch! But what if he has? What if it's true? Where else would that rumor come from? They always seemed very close, that witch crushing on Remus. But Remus doesn't like women like that…he said so himself that he was only interested in men!
Maybe it was your betrayal that drove him to her! An ugly sneer echoed in his head. Severus prevented himself from flinching from it. His hands hidden underneath his robes clenched into tight fists hard enough that his nails began to break the skin on his palms. It reminded him of Harry, often resorting to that when shutting down. It pulled Severus out of his silent spiral.
"Hmmm, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks? A child… Is that what you heard correctly, Greyback?" The Dark Lord continued to croon.
Greyback snarled, his growls echoing in the room, silencing the muttering Death Eaters. "Members of the Order of the Phoenix have been tailing me and Rowan for months now, interfering with our hunts… I could smell that witch mixed with Lupin's scent a mile away. Believe me I know the scent of an impregnated bitch when I smell one!"
"Why are they still following you? I thought you had Remus Lupin under your control. Why is he still running loose with those blood traitors?"
Severus kept his gaze on the vase, hating the way the Dark Lord said Remus' name. Like he was vermin that had to be taken care of.
"I'm working on it, my lord… My son, he may be stubborn and confused right now. He has yet to see where he truly belongs, but he is also strong willed, talented, a born leader. Soon I'll have him as the alpha of my pack, making them stronger than ever before and ready to fight at your side."
That's never going to happen you dumb mangy beast! Severus still kept his gaze steady on the vase, looking thoroughly annoyed by the conversation now. Memorizing the patterns, wondering how much its worth was. It was an ugly thing.
"Hmm…maybe you can use the child as leverage. I'm curious how magically talented an offspring of Remus Lupin can be…but then again it will be a mutt… It's a shame he didn't just die as we thought he did when he was in your captor, Greyback… Another failure of yours…must I remind you what will happen to you if you don't get that dog of yours taken care of? Maybe I should've just let you rot in Azkaban…"
Severus clenched his fists tighter at that, knowing when he opened his hands later there would be crescent-shaped indentations in his palms. Focus on the ugly vase! He told himself, not wanting to afford another slip-up.
"No, my lord! Lupin will soon be mine once again, I promise you that!"
The Dark Lord sat back down at his seat. Severus straightened up, still staring straight ahead but he could feel those red eyes on him now. He forced himself to relax, unclenching his hands and still succeeding in looking comfortable yet bored and annoyed.
"Severus… Do you recognize this blood traitor?" The Dark Lord hissed, indicating the rotating body above the table.
"Severus…please…please…" A whisper suddenly came next, causing Severus to finally look at her again. He schooled his face into an empty one, nothing but disdain and coldness. Never breaking character, even with the Dark Lord so close and watching for any little sign of disloyalty in him.
"Muggles Studies Professor, I don't recall her name," Severus drawled.
"Of course you wouldn't. This blood traitor has been teaching our children everything she knows about muggles, even encouraging them to mate with them!"
Sounds of disgust circled around the table once more. "At least Lupin's offspring would be magical, it's one step up from muggles and squibs I suppose!" the Dark Lord laughed.
Then suddenly green light blinded Severus and he heard the thump of the body on the table, followed by cruel laughter. The snake then suddenly slithered right by Severus to get itself on the table, opening its jaws wide. Severus kept himself composed, forcing himself to watch because he knew that's what the Dark Lord wanted.
And once the giant snake had swallowed poor Charity Burbage whole, Severus was just thankful that she was hit with the killing curse first. At the very last moment of her life, she didn't suffer the horrible fate of being swallowed by a snake, and he prayed to her soul… I'm sorry, Charity, I'm sorry, I do know your name… I'm sorry I couldn't help you, be at peace… I'm so sorry…
Draco stood up and left. Severus wanted to follow after him, but he couldn't.
The Dark Lord laughed with such evilness, "It looks like your son has inherited your cowardice and weak stomach, Lucius!"
Severus couldn't leave the manor quickly enough when the meeting was finally over.
.
.
Once he was safely back at Spinner's End, Severus stood in the kitchen, frozen from shock, from grief at having to let Charity die so cruelly like that. His guilt of it, it ravaged through him. Another life lost for this war. She was someone he had worked with everyday, even if they'd hardly spoken. She had looked to him for mercy, for help and all he did was watch her die.
It all mixed in with the anger he had for himself for slipping up and giving up the date of Harry being moved. How could he have been so careless, allowing himself to be distracted from his shields. It had cost him greatly. If Harry or even Remus end up getting hurt, it would be on him.
And Remus! Disbelief and anger over the news of Tonks being pregnant with Remus' child. How the fuck did that even happen?! It made his heart ache so painfully that he couldn't breathe, and suddenly Severus was taking fast shallow breaths. He knelt over, his hands on his knees, trying to reign himself in.
It was like Tonks had been waiting for Severus to leave Remus so she could take him for herself before Severus ever had the chance to reconcile with him. That small hope of that possibility was gone. And at the thought of them sleeping together, Severus straightened up and suddenly shouted out his anger and hurt, turning swiftly around to punch the nearest cabinet. The door of it came off its hinges so that it was hanging lopsidedly. Severus punched it again and again, causing the cabinet door to give away completely from its hinges, falling to the floor with a crash.
Severus could only stare at the damage he caused, it did nothing to soothe the hurt he was feeling, the sudden betrayal and anger towards Remus, and he knew his feelings were misplaced. He shouldn't be feeling angry at Remus or even at the witch. What did Severus expect? He had hurt Remus in the worst way imaginable. He was the one that broke them, took away any hope of a future together, it had been ridiculous to even hope for anything to be repaired. Even if he did confess everything to Remus, the fact of the matter was that Severus killed Albus, even if he was forced to. Severus killed him, murdered him, betrayed them, left Harry and Remus alone to deal with that.
Suddenly Severus remembered the dream he once had before everything had changed, it was like another lifetime ago when Severus and Remus were sitting on top of the Astronomy tower. When Severus whispered it to Remus as they stargazed, of a future he once hoped for, dreamed of. Remus' breathy chuckle calling Severus a dreamer. Nothing but the vast starry sky surrounding them, making it so hard to believe that he and Remus had an expiration date, Severus had allowed himself to forget about his task during that moment and just be… Now he would give anything to be back there, back to that night on that tower with Remus besides him and the only worry he had was trying to get the right smile out of his wolf.
The dream he had told Remus… It was of Remus sitting on the porch of the cabin with his guitar, writing songs, and Severus coming up from the basement after spending several hours on his research. There was no more cage in there to hold a changing werewolf on full-moons. It was of Harry coming over with Ginny and their kids. Draco visiting as well, the kids calling him uncle Draco. A day after the war he had once dreamed of… Now it was lost, all lost and broken apart and Severus couldn't even see it anymore. Now all he saw was death for himself. All he saw was Tonks and Remus sitting on that porch in front of the cabin with the lake glistening in front of them. Harry coming over with his children who called Tonks grandmother!
At the thought of that, Severus punched another cabinet, causing it to come clean off of its hinges in one hit. He groaned out from the pain of it, gritting his teeth and cursing. His hand spasmed as Severus cradled it to his chest. Tears began to stream down his cheeks. Remus and Harry were his family first…how dare that witch take them away from him! They were supposed to be his family, but Severus let them go, how could he?
Why was this hurting so bad? It shouldn't matter anymore. It wasn't as if they even had a chance together anymore. Severus bowed his head down, curtains of hair hiding his face, the tears that continued to silently stream down. His throat closed up so painfully that he felt he could hardly breathe or even talk. Child or not, married or not, Severus and Remus were no longer anything. Severus knew that as soon as Albus tied the rope around his neck. In the beginning of all this, when his feelings for Remus started to develop, Severus had known it was pointless to fall in love with Remus because this was how it was going to end, but Severus fell in love anyway and now he was facing the consequences of it. Tonks being pregnant with Remus' child just proved that. They were completely over. Severus made sure of that, made sure the love between him and Remus had been so utterly severed and broken that there wasn't any room left for Remus to doubt Severus' betrayal. Remus must've been so hurt to go to Tonks, to turn to her, to warm her bed…and if that witch made Remus happy… If Remus wanted to make Tonks happy to fill the emptiness that Severus created in Remus…
Severus wanted to let Remus go but he couldn't…he couldn't let that dream go…
Happiness…
It was something that Severus had. It was something he had held within his grasp, then let it slip so far out of his reach. He couldn't see Remus and Harry anymore… They were the happiness that took Severus so long to find, so long to realize it… He remembered telling his son how he finally found it, how they were his happiness…and Severus had let that all go for Albus and his war.
Would he ever be happy like that again? If Severus happened to survive the war, was he destined to live the rest of his days in this miserable cloud of darkness? A lonely existance in this fucking desolate house? Severus wasn't going back to Hogwarts, he was done with teaching. He would never be able to walk the halls again as a professor, not without Albus, not after all the lives that would be lost. Remus would never forgive him and Severus doubted Harry ever would as well. But Remus' new happiness that sparked from the ashes of Severus' betrayal… He wanted so badly to be at peace with it but he couldn't, he couldn't… The very thought of Remus and Tonks together with their new child and Harry, it sparked up a jealousy and anger and hurt so great that Severus couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't see or hear or even remember what he was doing in the first place. It consumed Severus. And picturing that child, that evidence of Remus' happiness without Severus but with her, a child with Remus' eyes and Tonks' irritating color-changing hair, suddenly Severus wanted Remus to hurt as much as he was hurting. Severus wanted to make Remus the villain in all of this, but he wasn't. Remus wasn't. It was Severus, he was the villain in all of this. Severus had hurt Remus first and Remus was most likely only trying to deal with the shattered threads of their relationship, and if that was why he needed Tonks…
Severus shouted again at that and punched another cabinet, hurting his hand even more. He just didn't expect Remus to move on so quickly, as if the year they had spent together had meant nothing! Nothing! Nothing! Like Severus could be replaced!
But because of Severus, they were nothing!
Severus sank to the floor, his back leaning against the counter, the splinters and broken cabinets scattered around him. His hand was bleeding and bruised. When he stretched his palm and fingers out, it burned with agony, but Severus could feel that it wasn't broken this time, not like when he'd punched the pebbly ground at the lake over and over, losing himself to his rage and pain after that horrible task.
Pulling out his wand with his good hand, Severus summoned over a few healing phials and balms to him, cleaning up the mess of his hand as more warm tears slid down his face. Severus allowed them to fall, he couldn't wait for the morning any longer when he was only allowed to grieve for the loss of his family. He allowed himself to drown in his heartache and guilt and pain of missing Remus and Harry so intensely, he just wanted them in his arms. There was no point in keeping busy for the rest of the evening, no point in trying to sleep when he knew it would never come, so he stayed where he was for the rest of the night, feeling so broken, voicing the pain of being ripped apart with deep guttural cries that Severus was sure that if anyone would pass by Spinner's End and hear him, they would have trouble believing that those sounds could ever be made by a human. Now Severus understood what it felt like to question your humanity, what Remus felt when he often struggled seeing his own. Because Severus felt very far from being human at the moment, how could anything but a monster have done what he'd done to the ones he loved?
A/N: Surprise chapter! I called off work today and decided to just post this lol I hope you enjoy it, Severus is here at last! And thank you for all the reviews! Next update will still be by the beginning of August!
Review Responses:
Imaginer.012: I know I cried while I was writing it, that scene wasn't even planned, it just happened! Thanks for reviewing!
CityGirl7768: Ugh I feel the same as you when I'm writing this, I sort of regret starting this story by following cannon, that's why I might veer off it soon, just enough to have more freedom. Thank you so much for your review!
bluemoonwrites: Thank you! I always appreciate your reviews!