This Is War

by Chase'sGirl19

The third story of Already Home This is the aftermath of Severus' betrayal, where he must now live with the consequences of it, and making sure everything is going to plan or it would all be for nothing. Remus must keep himself afloat while handling a broken heart, and being there for Harry. Soon he may find more than that to deal with... And Harry, he must still carry on and fight

9. Silvery Moonlight

Chapter Nine - Silvery Moonlight

A/N: I tweaked a few things about Charlie and Vector in chapter six, just so their timelines can match.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy my very long chapter!

The next morning, Remus was woken up by Molly, telling him that Kingsley was starting the meeting in fifteen minutes. It was so early that the sun was barely rising and Harry was still fast asleep beside him. Once Molly left the room to allow Remus to get ready, he carefully got out of bed and checked his still-healing wound in the bathroom. It looked a lot better after being taken care of by Molly and some much needed rest, healing quickly due to him being a werewolf and having a faster healing pace than humans. After deciding to dress in a fresh set of robes instead of his usual muggle jeans and band t-shirts and flannels, sensing a heavy day of Order missions ahead of him, Remus joined the Order gathering in the kitchen.

The meeting was short and straight to the point and the mood was very somber and heavy with grief. Kingsley updated everyone on the news of the mission and Moody's death to the ones who hadn't known yet. They still hadn't found Moody's body so Arthur was organizing a search party after the meeting. Remus still had a strong feeling that they weren't going to be successful, he was sure Severus had gotten to Moody's body before he and Arthur were able to last night, but he just couldn't bring himself to announce that, at least not to the entire Order. He didn't want another reason for them to hate Severus, he didn't want Severus to be brought up again.

Why was he still finding himself wanting to protect Severus?

Because he was a coward, a complete coward, Remus silently decided about himself as he listened to Arthur and Kingsley talk. He could spare them all this extra time and resources used for the search parties, but what if it was possible Severus hadn't taken the body? Remus didn't see him have it, he was going based on feeling and the scents of last night… There was still a possibility, a very small possibility that the body was still out there somewhere. Remus decided to just give it a little more time, making a compromise with himself that if all the search parties turned up empty after today, then he'll tell Arthur and Kingsley his suspicions.

The next part of the meeting was assigning a few other missions and Kingsley checking in with Remus about going to check on Charlie. They had just received word from Vector. He was returning tonight, and he agreed to take over for Charlie as soon as he was back, much to Molly's and Arthur's relief. Tonks announced to Kingsley that she was going to go with Remus. The Auror gave her a serious frown, obviously not liking the idea, but he didn't deny her request.

And with the meeting finally over, everyone filed out.

"Stay for breakfast you two, then you can go to Charlie and I'll wrap him up a plate you can take to him," Molly said to Remus and Tonks. "And, Remus, let me check on that wound before you go. How's it feeling?"

"Loads better thanks to you, Molly," Remus said, moving aside his robes and lifting up his vest and shirt to allow her to inspect it.

When Molly was done and happy with the results of his healing wound, she went straight into planning mode with Fleur as they both got started with cooking breakfast. Remus helped himself to a cup of tea after offering his assistance but was shooed away by both of them. He sat next to Tonks at the table who laughed at him.

"You know it's useless, Remus, don't ask again unless you want to get stuck writing down addresses or tying ribbons on goody bags or something much more horrible."

"You make it sound as if it would be torture," Remus teased, placing a hand on Tonks' newly swollen belly. "How is the little one doing today?"

"It is torture, I've never been into all the girly stuff and weddings and all…" Tonks wrinkled her nose, then placed her hand over Remus'. "And it doesn't stop growing," she added.

"That's what it's supposed to do!" Remus laughed.

"Remus, I'm all for the baby being happy and healthy, but I couldn't button my jeans today! I'm wearing robes on my day off because that is all that fits!"

"We can go get some new jeans today if you like," Remus offered. "Harry's birthday is coming up, I wouldn't mind going to some muggle shops with you."

"No, I can't bear the thought of buying maternity clothes right now!"

"Would you like some tea?" Remus asked her, sensing her grumpy mood now.

"That would be nice, actually," Tonks sighed.

Remus gave her a concerned look as he got up from the table to pour her a cup from the kettle on the stove.

"Here, give this to her as well," Molly suggested, handing Remus a full plate of eggs, breakfast meats and toast.

"Molly, you're a saint, really you are," Remus said with relief, taking the plate. Molly only scoffed at his praise and turned away, although he couldn't help but notice the slight blush on her cheeks.

"Here, tea and breakfast, Dora," Remus happily announced, placing the plate and cup of tea in front of Tonks.

Tonks took one look at the plate and suddenly she turned a shade of green. She slapped a hand to her mouth and shot out from her seat, running out of the kitchen and accidentally shouldering Harry aside who'd just appeared at the doorway.

Remus could only turn to Molly for help with wide eyes.

"Don't worry, love, this is completely normal. Tonks will be alright, I have the perfect thing for morning sickness when she comes back."

Remus could only nod with worry.

"Is Tonks going to be okay?" Harry asked as he sat at the table.

Remus suppressed a worried sigh for his friend, then smiled in greeting at his son. "Good morning, cub, and yeah I think so… Molly doesn't seem to be concerned at least… Apparently it's normal…"

"Good morning, papa." Harry then suggested awkwardly, "You should go to her."

Molly smiled at Harry's term for Remus, and he realized it must be the first time she was hearing Harry calling him papa.

"I think I should…" Remus agreed just as awkwardly.

He went to the bathroom on the second landing, hoping that was where Tonks ended up. Remus knocked on the door with a worried frown.

"I'll be out in a sec!" Tonks called out.

"Dora, it's me!"

It was quiet, then Remus heard the toilet flushing and running water. He stood outside in the hall for a few minutes until Tonks finally came out looking less green.

"You okay?" Remus asked with concern, reaching out and taking Tonks' hand to help her down the stairs.

"Yeah…"

"Feeling very pregnant today?"

"Ugh, yeah."

"Are you sure you still want to go see Charlie with me today?"

"Yes, of course!"

Remus huffed with defeat, "There's no chance of changing your mind, is there?"

"Not even in the slightest."

"Okay, come on, let's get some food in you first…"

Tonks suddenly hesitated. They stood in the middle of the living room.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked again with concern.

"Yeah… I think I'll just sit here and wait for you to be ready…" She slowly sat down on the sofa.

"Okay, how about some toast with your tea? You need to eat and Molly said she has something that can help."

Tonks agreed to that and once she was situated in the living room with dried toast and tea paired with Molly's potion, and away from the scents of eggs, Tonks finally told Remus she was feeling a lot better.

Remus had not wanted to leave Tonks alone but she insisted for him to go have breakfast with Harry. So he reentered the kitchen, seeing his son at the table, slowly eating a piece of toast in his hand. His plate was untouched. Remus caught Molly's look over Harry's head, seeing that she was worried yet relieved that Harry was eating a bit.

Remus fixed himself a plate and sat across from Harry, matching his eating pace and began making easy conversation between them until he finally managed a smile out of Harry. Molly and Fleur sat down with their own plates and mugs of coffee and tea, their wedding plans and charts spread out between them as they talked, paying Harry and Remus no mind.

And Harry ate, slowly, but he ate. He even agreed to Molly's offer of a second serving of eggs. Then when he was done, he looked down at his lap looking as if he were feeling as sick as Tonks had been.

"Here, love, drink this," Molly said, giving Harry a small purple phial.

Remus recognized it from the ones Severus would give Harry to soothe his stomach. He watched Harry gratefully taking it, then giving her back the phial just in time before Ron, Hermione and Ginny came into the kitchen. The room suddenly filled with their voices. Harry's cheeks blushed red at the sight of the youngest Weasley.

"I better go check on Tonks so we can get going," Remus announced to Molly, who began serving breakfast to the kids. Harry curiously looked up at that.

"Here, take this, and please be careful, the both of you," Molly pleaded as she handed Remus a wrapped plate.

"Of course we will, Molly, thank you for everything this morning. It's always greatly appreciated."

"Oh there's no need for that at all, Remus. You, Tonks and Harry are considered family here, you know that."

Remus briefly hugged her. "We'll return with news as soon as we can."

"Where are you going?" Harry asked him, catching Remus' eye. Suddenly the kids were all looking at him, waiting to hear Remus' answer.

Seeing no way out of this, Remus answered, "Tonks and I are going to check on Charlie."

"Blimey, he's been following the werewolves for so long, do you think he's found any good information by now?" Ron asked.

"I'm hoping so," Remus said, going to Harry who brightened up with curiosity, exchanging a silent look with Hermione.

"Give him our best, Remus," Ginny said.

"I will," Remus promised her then said to Harry, "Give me a hug, cub."

Harry stood up and hugged him tight. Remus kissed the top of his head, feeling so relieved and happy that his cub was finally safe with them here. It was a giant weight lifted off of Remus, and now he felt like maybe everything could start being okay again. Maybe he and Harry could start learning to live with the knowledge of Severus no longer being with them, as long as they had each other again. "Don't think about war stuff or any terrible rubbish today… Just play Quidditch and be a kid, okay?"

Remus felt Harry hug him tighter. "I'll try," he whispered.

.

.

They found Charlie's camp a mile away from the wards of Malfoy Manor. He looked worn and tired. His hair was a bit longer than the last time Remus saw him. The clean shaven look Charlie always had was now overgrown, his face hidden underneath a beard that was a darker shade of red than the hair on his head.

They greeted him with Molly's food which instantly cheered him up and Remus passed along all of the messages from Charlie's parents and siblings.

"How did the mission go?" Charlie asked as they watched him tuck in, closing his eyes at the first bite of egg and ham. "This is heavenly. It's nice to finally eat mum's food and something that hasn't been cooked over a campfire."

Remus frowned as he thought of the best way to answer Charlie's question. "The mission was successful, Harry's back at the Burrow now but there were…"

Charlie stopped eating, noticing the hesitancy in Remus' voice. His blue eyes were suddenly dark and sad. "Who was it?" he solemnly asked.

"Alastor," Tonks choked out, her eyes watering.

Remus reached out and squeezed her hand.

Charlie saw the gesture, then his eyes went to the small bulge of Tonks' stomach. "Tonks, are you?" He then looked at Remus with confusion, at the way he reached over to hold Tonks' hand to comfort her. "Is that why you haven't been coming here anymore?"

Remus sighed and settled himself in as he told Charlie the whole story of the mission, and pausing to allow Charlie to react to George's missing ear, then continued on telling him everything he's missed during the summer. Charlie kept looking at Tonks who wouldn't meet his eye, her cheeks flushed red.

And watching them… A thought, no…a realization came to Remus. And was it a shock? Was he surprised? He was, Remus found himself deciding. Charlie hid his feelings for Tonks well from everyone.

"Remus and I aren't really together," Tonks said to Charlie. "It's just what everyone was so quick to believe, and I allowed it…even when Remus disagreed with me. I didn't want our baby to be treated any differently for being born out of something Remus and I should never have done in the first place. I want our baby to know that it was born out of love."

"You don't need to explain," Charlie said, the exhaustion Remus had first noticed in him was now more visible, and not just on his face but in his entire body.

Remus suddenly felt like he was intruding on something very private between them.

And before either of them could say anything in return to break the sudden tension, Charlie held his tin cup filled with coffee. "To Moody, who gave this war everything he had."

"Charlie…" Tonks said.

"They've been leaving the manor," Charlie said, pretending as if he hadn't heard Tonks' plea to him. "I've followed them as far as I could without being found. I think it's the pack they are going to. They left on the same path before the full-moon. I just can't follow them long enough to find out."

Remus listened with guilt and dread slowly filling him up. He knew the unspoken words Charlie was kind enough to not say and he could feel Tonks nervously glancing at him. Because Remus could follow them, Greyback and Rowan would want him to follow them. They would lead him to their pack without outright attacking him. They would welcome him as their leader. They had too. If Charlie followed them too far, he risked ending up dead or becoming one of them.

"Don't worry, Charlie, just take care of yourself and don't risk following them anymore. We haven't forgotten you either, Vector is going to relieve you tonight so you can freshen up and rest for Bill and Fleur's wedding," Tonks said.

"Ah, don't worry about me," Charlie said with a soft smile for Tonks. "I'm having a grande ole time with the wolves. It just irks me that I can't follow them as far as I want to. I was just so close the last time…"

Remus could see Charlie was lying. He looked exhausted and ragged, and Remus was sure the loneliness of being out here alone must be getting to him. But all he could do was shake Charlie's hand goodbye and watch him hug Tonks before they Disapparated away from the campsite.

Tonks wanted to join in on Arthur's search for Moody's body once their mission to see Charlie was done. They found Arthur organizing a search party at the now empty house on Privet Drive.

Remus couldn't help but glance at the cupboard door as they made their way to the kitchen. It was a bit jarring to see the house empty of its occupants. To see most of the furniture covered up in plastic sheets and everything closed up and put away. The house was also left in the cleanest state Remus had ever seen a house be in. He wondered if Petunia would ever know that her house was being used as a base if they should return once the war was over.

"Do you think the muggles might notice us going in and out and the Dursleys being missing?" Tonks asked as she tripped over the carpet. Remus grabbed her arm to steady her.

"I think Arthur put some wards up over the house to prevent that. You didn't see the traces of magic over it before we came in?"

Tonks looked at him sheepishly. "I should've noticed." Her voice was small and shadowed in her disappointment and grief for the loss of her mentor.

Before Remus could offer any words of comfort, Arthur opened the kitchen door and beckoned them inside.

"Remus, Tonks, I'm glad to see you two. How's Charlie doing?" He led them to the round kitchen table where maps of the area were all splayed out. Bill was going over a section of it with a serious look of concentration, the scars across his face that Greyback had given him from the battle at Hogwarts in June had healed up nicely without any serious side effects, thanks to it not being a full-moon at the time, although Fleur had mentioned to Remus that she noticed Bill enjoying his steak rare now.

At Arthur's question, Bill tore his eyes away from the maps and looked up at them to hear the news about his younger brother.

"He's managing," Tonks said, telling them the conversation they shared with Charlie and how tired he looked.

Arthur looked relieved to hear that his second son was doing okay. Bill then pushed his father to take a lunch break so he could go tell Molly.

"You know you don't have to do this," Remus said to Tonks as they searched the assigned streets Bill had given them. "I'll understand if you have to sit this out, you should take a few days to grieve for your mentor."

"I'm okay, really, it's better that I keep busy, that I do something that can help the Order right now…" She paused to scan her wand over a few bushes and trees as they passed through the park Remus had seen Harry walking back to Privet Drive from. "You know Alastor was alone? He didn't have much family left, the Order and I were pretty much all he had."

"You meant a great deal to him, Tonks. He was proud of you. I know he was, the way he would talk about you. And he really did die a noble death he would've been proud of."

"I know, everyone keeps telling me that," Tonks sighed. She paused and wrapped her arms around herself.

Remus stood in front of her, watching his friend with deep concern as her grief came back to the surface and suddenly, Tonks just seemed so young to him. Really, what was he thinking allowing them to grow so close? Charlie would've been so much better for her. Why did she choose him over Charlie? Especially when it was clear that Remus couldn't offer what she wanted. Remus wanted to ask, but he felt like it was the wrong time for that. He kept his musings to himself.

"But still, it doesn't make any of this better, it doesn't mean that he should have died that way. He still had years ahead of him. He still had to finish training me. He still had so much to give to the Order. His fight with the war wasn't done yet…" Suddenly Tonks was too choked up to say anymore.

Remus pulled her into a hug. It was the only thing he could think of doing to make any of this better, even though it could never be enough.

They combed their whole assigned area twice before calling it quits and heading back to Privet Drive to cross that section off the map and to be assigned another one.

And that was how the day was spent.

Remus wondered if the search parties were having better luck than them. Every minute they spent searching without finding anything caused Remus' guilt to grow, until it began to feel unbearable to stay silent about it. Especially around Tonks.

"I ran into Severus last night while I was searching with Arthur. That's why I sent him back on his own," Remus finally brought himself to admit once they returned to Privet Drive for the third time to cross out another thoroughly searched section.

Tonks was just about to open the front door. She stopped and turned to face him at his admission, he could see she was connecting the pieces to what Remus wasn't completely saying.

"You don't think he found Alastor last night and took him?" Tonks asked, her voice horrified.

Remus was waiting for her to be angry at him for allowing the Order to search for her mentor's body all day, already knowing the high possibility of them never finding it.

"I… I believe he might have, but I don't have solid proof."

"That's why you haven't mentioned it… You're hoping that we still find Alastor… You're still giving Snape the benefit of the doubt, aren't you?"

Remus couldn't answer that. Perhaps it was the look on his face, or Tonks was just really good at reading him, because her demeanor changed. Her shocked and angry expression at Remus' confession suddenly softened into understanding.

"It's okay, Remus, it's okay… It wasn't wrong to still look. We owe it to Alastor to still try."

And when Remus made to go inside, she stopped him. "I can do it, I can talk to them for you."

"No, Tonks, I'm fine, I can do it," he insisted.

"Remus, stay here, and then we can go somewhere more private to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about."

She only gave him a look, warning him to not argue anymore as they stepped into the hall. Remus sighed with defeat and threw his hands out as a gesture of surrender.

"Just wait here," Tonks said, going to the kitchen door and disappearing on the other side of it, leaving Remus alone in the hallway.

And now that he was alone, standing near that cupboard door, well, Remus couldn't help himself. He opened it, lighting up his wand to see inside. There was a small cot with boxes of cleaning supplies in the back. There were shelves full of forgotten junk and a couple of broken toys. Remus climbed in and layed on the cot, sneezing from the dust and cobwebs inside. He closed the door a bit and turned off his wand light, just to see how dark it was in here with the bit of light coming from the vent on the door.

This was where Harry fell asleep and woke up everyday for the first ten years of his childhood. Remus felt his heart break at the thought, it caused him to gasp out from the sudden pain of it as he imagined his cub trapped in the dark.

"Remus?"

Remus startled and sat up, hitting his head on the ceiling. "Ow, fuck!" he groaned as he climbed out.

"What were you doing in there?" Tonks asked.

Remus shook his head. "Did you talk to Arthur?"

Sensing that he wasn't going to answer her question, Tonks only gave him a peculiar look and said, "He's going to call off the search if they don't find anything by tomorrow."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea…" He rubbed at the sore spot on his head.

"Remus, you have cobwebs all over your robes…" Tonks stepped forward and began brushing him off. "I can't take my eyes off of you for a second, can I?"

"It's where they kept him…" Remus admitted, his voice heavy from the weight of the meaning behind his words.

Tonks looked at him with a peculiar expression. Remus could see she wasn't understanding him.

"It's why I was so stubborn in keeping watch over Harry… They hurt him, Dora…"

Then understanding finally dawned on her. "That's what brought you and Snape together, isn't it? I've always wondered how you two started co-parenting Harry, it all just happened and no one would ask or talk about it. Dumbledore made it all so private."

"I never told you because it was never my secret to tell. It's Harry's, out of respect for his wishes and for his safety…"

"Hey, then you don't need to explain."

And when Remus didn't reply, she asked, "Remus, do you even have a place to stay now that you don't need to sleep at the hotel anymore?"

Remus shook his head, he still hadn't brought himself to actually try living at the cabin again, and now that the Delacours were set to arrive today from France for their daughter's wedding, Remus didn't want to take up any needed rooms.

"You can stay at my place," Tonks offered.

"Are you sure that is a good idea? I mean people are already thinking that we're married."

"So what's the worst that can happen then? It'll only convince them even more that it's true, and I really don't care."

"But it isn't true, and Alastor isn't around anymore for you to pretend…" Remus stopped, then asked, "What you said to Charlie about you being afraid that our baby could be treated differently for being born out of wedlock, was that true?" The reason why Tonks had started that rumor of them being married was so that her mentor wouldn't think of her as a dumb irresponsible kid who got herself pregnant. Now that Moody was gone, there was no point in holding on to this rumor anymore. But Tonk never said anything to him about what she admitted to Charlie. Remus had been too worried for their kid being treated differently for it possibly being a werewolf, not for it being born out of wedlock. He felt like that was the least of their problems.

"It's one of the many fears I have for our baby," Tonks admitted. Then she began to walk to the front door. "Look, if you don't want to move in, it's fine, it was just an offer."

"Wait, Dora," Remus reached out and took her hand, stopping her. "I would actually like to move in with you…at least for a while until I figure things out… I mean it's not as if I have much of a choice anyway. The Burrow is going to be overcrowded and I'll be stupid to turn your offer away."

Tonks suddenly flashed him a brilliant smile, "Say it again, the part where you called yourself stupid."

Remus sighed out with exasperation.

"We're going to have fun," Tonks laughed. "Come on, let's go get your stuff and settle you in."

It didn't take much for Remus to move in, he only had his rucksack with him. Everything else he owned was at the cabin. Harry had been at the orchard with his friends playing Quidditch and had not noticed Remus' quick stop to the Burrow.

They stood in her living room. Tonks took the rucksack hanging on his shoulder and placed it on the sofa.

"When are you going to tell me about what happened to your guitar?"

"Too much wine happened," Remus said, as he sat down and began to unpack.

Tonks slowly sat on an armchair. "Are you stopping again?" She had admitted to Remus that Arthur told her to rest and refused her offer of doing another search for Moody.

"I'm trying."

Suddenly a meow followed by a warm body pressing against Remus' leg interrupted their conversation. Remus looked down to see an orange tabby weaving in between his legs. His purrs were loud enough to be mistaken for the rumble of Hagrid's motorbike.

"Hello!" Remus greeted, bending down to scratch Oliver's chin, still thoroughly amazed that this cat wasn't afraid of him for being a werewolf.

"Okay," Tonks announced. "Rules are simple enough. Clean up after yourself and don't become friends with my cat."

Remus scoffed at that, "I didn't take you to be the jealous type!"

And with her withering look at him, Remus forced his smile into a serious expression and repeated her rules, "Clean up and don't make friends with your cat, how about me helping you out with rent?"

"Rent for what, kipping out on the couch? Don't worry about that."

"No, I have to contribute," Remus argued.

"Damn it, Remus, can you just accept my help?"

.

.

"Vector!"

Looking a bit bedraggled and thoroughly spooked, Vector finally returned from his mission just before dinner at the Burrow. Remus had been the one to open the door and found himself suddenly trapped in one of Vector's famous bear hugs, his long unfamiliar scruff scraping against Remus' cheek.

"Remus! I'm so happy to see you!"

"What's all this about?" Tonks' voice suddenly popped up. She must've heard Remus' shocked voice, causing her to come to the door as well.

"Tonks, you're here too!" Vector exclaimed with happiness. He threw out an arm and drew her in until she and Remus were both trapped together and laughing.

Once Vector finally released them, that second of exhaustion and fear Remus had seen in Vector, it had disappeared and was replaced with relief and happiness as he took in the sight of his best friends.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked him.

"I made it back here safely, that is all that matters," Vector said as he was ushered inside by Molly.

"Vector! You're back! Have you spoken to Kingsley yet? Was your mission successful?" Arthur asked, welcomingly grasping Vector's shoulder. "It's good to see you here safe."

"I spoke to Kingsley before I came here," Vector said, his blue eyes suddenly darkening and seeing Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione coming downstairs. "Arthur, let's talk where there aren't…" He gestured towards the kids.

"Yes, of course, let's go outside…" Arthur said.

"You lot, go wash your hands and set the table!" Molly ordered the kids before they could react to Vector returning. "Remus, Tonks, I hate to ask but can you make sure they don't eavesdrop?"

"Of course, Molly," Remus said.

"I'll tell you guys everything later," Vector promised Tonks and Remus as he followed the Weasleys outside.

Remus knew the mission had failed. But one wouldn't know if they were sitting at the table listening to the exaggerated version Vector was entertaining the kids with and answering any vampire-related questions they all had. He'd even allowed Molly to pile up his plate with a mountain of shepherd's pie she'd cooked.

But Remus wasn't fooled, and he knew that even though Vector wasn't showing it, the mission had indeed taken its toll on him. It had been only a few weeks, but the damage was still there. The dark circles. His hair long and limp from not being washed was starting to reach his shoulders. The overgrown stubble was more of a beard than anything. He lost a bit of weight, and his blue eyes, they were haunted with whatever he had seen, whatever he had gone through. It wracked Remus with guilt to know that tomorrow morning Vector was to replace Charlie. Another mission so soon after the last one… Noticing this from his seat next to Harry at the table, Remus couldn't help but wonder who Vector was reminding him of suddenly…

After dinner, Remus and Tonks sat out with Vector on the back porch, drinking cold butterbeer and enjoying the warm summer night together as they talked. The voices of the Weasleys mingling with the kids and the Delacours could be heard from the open living room window as Vector finally told Tonks and Remus about his mission, how he had gone to all the nearest vampire covens to convince them to help with the war against Voldemort.

"They wanted no part in the war. They were all just more interested in telling me about how it was such a waste to spill blood that wasn't going to be drunk. Nothing I could offer them would convince them to help us."

Remus visibly shuddered from that. For once he was glad that maybe it was better to be a werewolf over a vampire. He would take turning into a wolf once a night for every month over than having to spend his days avoiding the sun, dealing with being dead and drinking only blood. To want to hurt people and to be able to remember it.

"I'm lucky I didn't become one or ended up being their dinner…" Vector grimaced. "They kept calling me pretty, I think that is what kept them from sucking me dry as soon as they saw me approaching them…" His complexion going a bit white at his own choice of words.

"Vector," Tonks could only say with horror.

"Don't expect any help from them!" he suddenly spat. "That whole mission was just a failure and a waste from the start." The shame and disappointment dripped out of those words.

"You tried," Remus pointed out, knowing exactly how humiliating and hard it was to return from a failed mission. "No one blames you. Vampires are hard to work with… All they want is blood. At least we know they aren't interested in joining the war, at least we won't have to worry about them joining Voldemort."

Tonks choked on her butterbeer from the name and Vector managed to turn a shade paler. "Merlin, Remus, you really enjoy throwing that name on us, do you?" he scolded, reaching over and patting Tonks' back.

Remus shrugged, a bit bothered by Vector's harsh tone of voice. "It's just a name. Makes no sense to fear it. It only gives him more power over you."

Once her coughing stopped, Tonks wiped her mouth with her sleeve and asked Vector, "Are you ready for your next mission tomorrow morning? It really does suck that you just came back and have to leave again. I wish they could have picked anyone else."

"That's the thing," Vector grimaced. "There is no one else. And after dealing with vampires, I'm sure werewolves would be manageable."

Vector looked at Remus. "They have until the last week of August to find someone to take over. I told Kingsley that. I have to prepare for my classes for fall term."

"You're going back to Hogwarts?" Remus asked.

"Yes, of course, I can't just leave the students without their Arithmancy Professor. What about you, Remus? Defense Against the Dark Arts, that's a subject the students could really use right now."

The thought of walking those halls again, of seeing that empty seat at the staff table. The portrait door in the dungeons with the witch and the black cauldron, and knocking on it to find Severus' quarters cold and empty, or much worse, to find another Potions Master inside… With that in mind, Remus couldn't even bear the thought of returning to Hogwarts.

"Without Dumbledore, I don't think I would even be allowed to teach there anymore," Remus only said.

"You're not even going to fight for your position?" Vector asked with sudden disgust. His blue eyes suddenly hard.

This change in Vector, all night Remus had been seeing glimpses of it. Whatever happened to him on that mission, stayed with him. But this one, it was so sudden and big, and Remus for a second, couldn't recognize his friend.

"Not when it isn't going to be a fair fight. I think it would be safer and smarter if I stay under the radar and focus on working with the Order for now," Remus defended himself.

"Okay, then you can take over the mission once I go back to Hogwarts, or better yet, Remus, why don't you go right now instead of me? It would be easier." Vector looked at Remus with a steady gaze, no longer friendly, no longer familiar. Full of heavy expectations that Remus couldn't meet for him.

And he could only gape at Vector's verbal attack, wondering how their conversation was suddenly turning into an argument. Remus and Tonks fought all of the time, but they always managed to fix it between them. It was how their friendship was, it was their rhythm no matter how terrible the fights had gotten. But Remus and Vector, that wasn't their rhythm to their friendship. They never fought.

Thinking of this, Remus suddenly realized who it was that Vector resembled. It was Charlie. They both shared that same haunted look, full of exhaustion, sick of being on a mission that was failing and still taking everything from them…

Charlie was hurting because of him, because Remus was too selfish and cowardly to take that mission himself.

"What do you say, Remus?"

Remus was left speechless. Vector's icy blue gaze was still on him, his jaw clenching.

"That's what I thought…" Vector shook his head with disappointment. "Just tell me the real reason why you're not going back to Hogwarts then. It's because of Snape, isn't it? Don't use his betrayal to hide behind from doing what is right. Now I understand your refusal to take the werewolf mission, but not going back to Hogwarts? Come on, you're better than that! That snake isn't worth…"

"Enough!" Remus snapped out.

Vector stopped, closing his mouth and angrily looking away.

"Vector?" Tonks said, her brow furrowed with concern. "Why are you attacking him?"

"There you go, taking his side," Vector rounded on Tonks. "After everything you've…"

"I'm not taking any sides, you're just acting like an asshole!" Tonks interrupted, but Vector's last words echoed in Remus' head.

"Am I? Well then, when were you going to tell me about that?" Vector gestured to Tonks' stomach. "Were you going to wait until the next time I see you two and surprise me with a newborn love child?"

There was a horrible silence that followed, heavy and awkward.

"Vector, we were going to tell you," Tonks started.

"You don't need to defend yourselves, congratulations to you both, I'm happy for you," his voice full of disgust, Vector climbed down the porch steps.

"Are you?" Remus couldn't help but say with sarcasm lacing his own voice. He couldn't help it. He understood now. It wasn't just about the mission or Hogwarts or even about the baby. Tonks told Vector about that night. Vector knew and he was upset with Remus for it, had said those things to hurt him back. And like an injured and threatened wolf, Remus had to snap back.

Vector whipped around at that, but he wasn't speaking to Remus this time. He was speaking to Tonks. "Next time you want to come crying to me about something he's done, do me a favor and don't waste my time if you're just going to ignore my advice and get knocked up by him!"

"Hey, don't talk to her that way!" Remus shouted, stepping forward.

"Remus, I never understood why you were friends with Snape. I really don't know why, but then Tonks told me. She came to me crying the day before I left for my mission. She told me what happened and how you rejected her for that traitor. Then I come back and she's pregnant with your child, and how am I supposed to react to that?! I saw the pain you caused her! I told her to choose Charlie, at least Charlie can give her what she wants, something you can't! And now you're playing house with her? What the fuck are you doing, Lupin? You can't love her!"

"You don't have a say in who I could love or choose not to!"

"No, but I'm the one picking up the pieces of what you're breaking," Vector said, gesturing his chin towards Tonks. "You didn't see her crying over you!"

"Vector, there is no need for this, I am fine!" Tonks shouted, horrified. "This happened because of both of us, not just Remus!"

Vector ignored Tonks, his eyes staring into Remus who glared at him. The anger he was feeling towards the person who was supposed to be his friend was causing his wolf to stir inside him.

"Ah, there's the wolf…" Vector said, indicating Remus' golden flecked eyes. "You really should start considering taking the mission, Remus. Look, I've told you, I understand why you're hesitant, but why is Charlie out there for weeks waiting for you to grow a pair? That mission is meant to be yours, not ours. Don't keep me waiting out there for as long as he has."

As Vector said that, Remus turned around and stormed back into the house, slamming the door shut. He could feel Vector's icy blue gaze on him the whole entire time. The kitchen was thankfully empty, meaning no one had seen their argument. Remus leaned against the counter, trying to calm himself down, trying to chase away the truth that Vector had spoken so cruelly to him.

What happened to him on that mission? The Vector that Remus had known, had become one of his closest friends, that wasn't him tonight. He would never have spoken to Remus like that or to Tonks.

He took deep steadying breaths, closing his eyes, chasing his wolf's presence away.

It was time to call it a night, but Remus had to say goodbye to Harry first, but he couldn't when the wolf was growling inside him from the bout of anger and shame Remus was still feeling. He didn't want Harry to see that anything was wrong.

Remus opened his eyes again. He could see Tonks and Vector arguing through the small window on the back door. He could hear the muffled shouts of Tonks calling for Vector to come back. Then it was quiet. Remus drank the rest of his butterbeer then threw the bottle into the rubbish bin as she finally came inside.

All they could do was stare at each other until Remus broke their silence.

"He left then?" Remus asked, his voice gruff and petulant. He hated the way he sounded. Because even though Vector had been an ass tonight, he was right. He was right and he was the only one brave enough to say all that he said.

The feelings Remus had of himself that morning, all day in fact, returned more powerful than ever. How he was a fucking coward, hiding behind the protection of the Order. He had to fucking grow a pair and take the mission…go back to Hogwarts…and he imagined doing those things… But his chest began to tighten, and suddenly he was hearing the howls of the pack that haunted his dreams, and saw Severus' living quarters, cold and empty. Or a stranger possibly living in them, erasing every memory Remus had of himself being happy there with Severus and Harry just months ago. It had only been months..for Merlin's sake, months…and Remus really felt like he couldn't breathe. He couldn't do it… and oh was he really a coward for it! Vector was right!

"Yeah, he decided to not wait until the morning. Expect Charlie in a couple of minutes," Tonks said, her voice sounding as if her heart had been wrenched out of her chest.

In that case, it really was time to leave. Remus didn't have the heart to see just how exhausted Charlie was sure to look when he arrived. He couldn't take seeing the result of his own cowardice.

"Hey, when were you going to tell me that Charlie has feelings for you?"

Tonks sighed and rubbed a tired hand over her face and into her short violet hair. "Remus, what Vector said out there, don't take it to heart. He's just exhausted, I mean I would be too… And especially from where he came from…"

"But what he said was true."

"Remus, don't let him guilt you into taking the mission or going back to Hogwarts… He doesn't know everything between you and…"

"Papa?" It was Harry at the door, coming from the living room. "Is everything okay?" he asked, looking between Remus and Tonks.

Earlier during dinner, Remus told his cub how he had moved in with Tonks just temporarily until the Burrow wasn't so crowded anymore. Harry had understood after Remus promised he'll still stop by to see him everyday during breakfast and dinner.

"Yeah, cub.. Tonks and I were just leaving. I was just going to find you to say goodnight…"

Harry hugged Remus goodbye, and as he held his son in his arms the worst of the guilt, the worst of his anger towards Vector for being right, the worst of his pain of losing Severus, the tightness in his chest, seemed to lighten just a bit, only for a relieving moment. A moment in which Remus could finally breathe.

And Remus didn't want to let go, didn't want to go back to Tonks' apartment. He wanted to stay here with Harry, but he had no choice but to say good night and promise his return first thing tomorrow morning.

.

.

The next few days went by after that night, Remus kept himself busy with small tasks and missions for the Order and making sure he still had time for Harry. It was all he could do to keep himself from thinking about the horrible fight he had with Vector or thinking how right he had been. That mission was Remus' to do, it wasn't fair to Charlie for being stuck doing it for so long and not fair to Vector who was exhausted from his previous mission and had to go straight back into another dangerous one.

They never found Alastor's body. The Order ended up throwing an empty funeral pyre for him, passing along speeches with Firewhiskey being shared amongst each other.

Charlie was finally standing with his family again, he'd cleaned himself up and had shaven. He looked better yet still exhausted.

It should've been Remus following the werewolves, only he could get close enough to find the pack, to convince them to be on their side. Only Remus could lead the werewolves through the war and prevent their side from getting attacked by them if the battle should be on a full-moon. It was the unspoken thing Charlie kept to himself when he and Tonks had gone to visit him. It was the unspoken question Kingsley and Moody had for Remus, wanting him to decide, and the pressure of doing just that was suddenly staring Remus right in the face, forcing him at a crossroads where he wasn't ready to choose which path he wanted to walk. One of them where he knew those red eyes waited for him, where the echo of wolves called to him. The bite mark covered up with a Glamour Charm began to tingle…

Remus didn't reject the offered firewhiskey being passed around, enjoying the way it burnt the back of his throat.

On the morning of Harry's birthday and the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding, Remus had arrived early to the Burow. He was greeted by Molly as he placed his wrapped present to Harry on the kitchen table along with all the others. He'd braved going into the cabin again, this time for Harry's sake.

As Remus began to prepare breakfast, he told Molly about all of last night, how he'd turned the cabin practically upside down looking for his father's watch. Like most wizarding families, it was a tradition to give their turning seventeen year old son a new watch or pass one down. In Remus' family, on his father's side, they passed down an old pocket watch. It was one of the very few Lupin family heirlooms. And when Remus had finally found it, to his dismay, it was cursed. He guessed his father really did not want Remus to have it, it explained why he'd never received it at seventeen as he should have.

And then Remus had suddenly found himself with nothing to give Harry. Most of the shops in Diagon Alley and Hogsmead were boarded up, and Remus didn't really have the funds to buy a new watch, one Harry deserved to wear. As he paced about his father's study, Remus spotted his mom's old wireless on one of the book shelves, it was a muggle radio that broadcasted muggle stations. The last time it was played was Christmas, Remus had put it on for Harry and… Well, at least he knew it still worked.

Remus took it and worked on it all night, enchanting the wireless to pick up the wizarding broadcasts as well as the muggle ones, and having it run on magic instead of batteries. It was an idea Remus had, thinking the radio could be very useful to Harry, Ron and Hermione once they left on their mission. Now that they were all seventeen, as much as Remus wanted to, he couldn't stop them from leaving, but at least he could help in small ways to make the mission easier for them, such as giving them a link to what was going on in the world while they were in hiding.

"Don't worry, that is an excellent idea, and I have just the thing for Harry as well," Molly said once Remus was done with his story and telling her all of his concerns of the possibility of Harry not wanting an old radio.

Remus waited, wondering what she was on about as he continued to stir the pancake batter he'd insisted on making himself. Molly had been sitting at the table as she listened to him, enjoying her coffee and relaxing from not having to cook for once.

It wasn't long once she finally returned, handing Remus an old box. He looked at Molly with confusion, then opened it, revealing an old and slightly dented gold watch with engraved stars on it. Remus had seen this watch before, years ago, when he was seventeen himself.

Remus looked at it for a second before looking at Molly and realizing what she was doing.

"No, no, Molly, I can't."

Molly smiled, "Don't be silly now, Remus, take it, I want you to give it to Harry."

"No, it was your brother's. You have to be the one to give it to him. It would mean a lot coming from you and it would only be silly if I do it…"

"No, it won't…" Molly began but Remus shoved the box back towards her.

"If you give it to Harry, it would show him just how much he means to you. He'll see that he is wanted here, that he is truly part of your family… Molly, Harry needs that, I want that for him."

A tear slipped out of Molly's brown eyes. "If you insist. And don't feel like you owe me something in return for this. It is my decision, and I think Fabian would be very happy to see his watch go to Harry instead of just sitting in a box, covered in dust and forgotten."

All Remus could do was hug Molly Weasley.

Once everything was ready for Harry's birthday breakfast with pancakes and presents stacked on the table, Remus couldn't wait for Harry to wake up anymore so he decided to just go get him. He was too excited to see Harry's reaction to wait any longer. Remus had missed nearly all of Harry's birthdays so he was determined to make a bit of that up through this one. He wanted to see Harry happy and be celebrated. This was his seventeenth birthday, a milestone.

He climbed all the way up to the fifth floor, finally out of breath and reaching Ron's bedroom door. Remus was going to knock first but then he heard Harry muttering… Gregorovitch

"Gregorovitch… Gregorovitch…"

"What?" Remus whispered. Alarmed, he opened the door to find both boys asleep, but Harry was tossing and turning on his cot.

Remus went to his sleeping son, kneeling down by the cot. The sun was already so bright, setting the orange walls of the room ablaze. Remus waved his hands at the curtains, closing them so Harry wouldn't be blinded by the sun once Remus woke him up.

"Harry, cub, wake up," Remus said softly, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder.

Harry startled in his sleep. "Gregorovitch…"

"Harry," Remus gently shook him awake, causing Harry to gasp and open his eyes.

Feeling Remus' hand on him, Harry flinched away from it, sitting up and scooting away, his green eyes wide with fear. "Don't…" he stuttered out.

"Cub, it's me…papa…" Remus gently reminded Harry.

Waking Harry up from a nightmare, it was times like this where Harry's childhood trauma showed, and it was so hard for Remus to see him like this. "It's okay, Harry, there is no one here to hurt you. It's just you and me and we are in Ron's bedroom. I'm waking you up for breakfast."

Harry blinked as he listened, his body shaking, then suddenly his face filled with clarity. He bowed his head with embarrassment and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "I'm sorry," he muttered.

"There's no need for apologies, Harry." Remus picked up Harry's glasses. "Here are your glasses."

Harry took them and put them on, looking relieved to see it really was Remus in front of him.

"Forgive me for waking you, but it seemed as if you were stuck in a nightmare. You kept saying Gregorovitch."

"Gregorovitch?" Harry frowned. "But I don't know what that is."

"It's a person I believe, a wand maker." Remus frowned with worry. "What exactly were you dreaming about?"

"I don't know, I can't remember anymore… I think… I think Voldemort needs him for something. I think he's searching for him… I just remember feeling frustrated and angry…and I needed to find Gregorovitch…"

"I'll pass this on to Kingsley, maybe we can do a bit of research on this…see if Voldemort has found him or not…"

Harry looked relieved at that. "Is there anything else I can do to help?"

"Just let me know right away if anything else comes to you in your dreams," Remus said worriedly. "I hate that you're still connected to Voldemort… At least try to use what Severus taught you…"

"I can't just turn this connection off by myself! Even with Severus helping me, it never really went away completely! And now with him gone, it's harder! I told Hermione this too, she doesn't like me seeing into Voldemort's mind any more than you do!"

"I know, we are just worried about the dangers of it, cub," Remus said.

"It could be useful," Harry said.

"I know, but not at the risk of your safety."

"I want to help with the Order, this is the only way I can before my mission."

Suddenly a loud snort came from Ron, causing them to both stop their conversation as their attention turned to Harry's sleeping best friend.

They both looked at each with amusement. The argument between them fizzled out. Remus suddenly had an idea to cheer Harry up. He didn't want the war or anything else worrying him on the morning of his seventeenth birthday or even an argument between them.

Remus smiled mischievously at his cub, bending over a bit closer to him so Harry could hear him, "Hey, cub, happy birthday!"

"Thanks, papa, why are we whispering?" Harry whispered back, willingly to play along. It seemed he didn't want an argument between them anymore than Remus did.

"This ain't just any old birthday, you're seventeen now, which means…"

"I can do magic now!" Harry picked up his wand, then looked around the room before taking off his glasses and pointing his wand at them, causing them to fly around the room. Then he tried to get them to go back on his face by themselves only to successfully manage to poke himself in the eye. "Ow!" Harry exclaimed in whispers.

"Brilliant, cub!" Remus chuckled. "Are you alright?" he whispered.

Harry rubbed his eye and then put his glasses back on himself. "Yeah, why are we still whispering?"

"How about we play a prank on Ron to wake him up?"

Harry grinned at that, Remus could see that his anxiety and fear from his nightmares was finally washing away. He finally stopped shaking and he allowed Remus to sit next to him on the cot without any reaction.

Remus waved his wand, nonverbally causing all of Ron's things to fly around the room.

Harry snickered and did the same to Ron's blankets and pillows, causing Ron to snort and wake up.

"Hey, what the!"

Then all the blankets and pillows fell on top of him and everything went back to its place as Remus and Harry laughed until Ron decided to send flying pillows at them for revenge.

"What a way to wake up a bloke! Wait!" Ron realized. "Wait, Harry, you're seventeen now! You can do magic!"

Amused by their antics, Remus stood up as the boys both started causing things to fly across the room until Harry managed to poke his eye again. "I'll leave you two to get ready, then come downstairs," he said with amusement before leaving the room.

"Happy seventeenth, dear!" Molly hugged Harry as soon as he entered the kitchen with Ron beside him. She then steered him towards the table.

"Pancakes?!" Harry exclaimed when he saw the breakfast setup on the table, then his happiness flickered. It was small and only for a brief second until Harry hid it away. Only Remus had noticed it because he'd been intensely watching Harry's face at the time to see his surprise and joy for his favorite breakfast food on his birthday.

That surprise and joy had been tainted by sudden sorrow.

And Remus knew why.

He knew what caused it. He knew it would happen today no matter what. It was the absence of Severus. He used to make Harry pancakes all of the time, it was the food that got Harry eating again last summer, and Remus had hoped it would work its same magic again. That it would break Harry out of his eating disorder that he was falling back into from being with the Dursleys again. And he wanted to do something for Harry that was familiar, even if it had memories of Severus written all over it, even if it was a tradition started by him, Remus was trying to continue the things they did without Severus and show Harry that it was okay. They didn't have to stop the small things that made them happy, the small things that reminded them of Severus.

Harry looked at Remus who nodded to him.

As if he were waiting for Remus to do that, Harry went straight to Remus and hugged him. Remus hugged him tightly in return, knowing that Harry understood his message. He then held Harry out at arm's length.

"Happy birthday, cub!"

Harry smiled, the joy back in his green eyes as he looked at Remus, and whatever he was about to say in return was interrupted by Ginny entering the kitchen. "Happy birthday, Harry!" Her birthday wish caused Harry to blush as he stammered out his thank you.

Remus smiled as he released his son. "Go on, open your presents!"

Harry looked utterly surprised at the small pile waiting just for him, then smiled, pointing his wand and levitating them all at once towards himself, causing Remus to laugh.

It was a good haul from the Weasleys and Hermione. Harry thanked Remus for the radio, refusing to take it at first but relented when Remus insisted.

"But it was your mum's… It means a lot to you, papa."

"It does, but it means alot more to me that you have it. It's a tradition for a wizard to be given a watch by his parents on his seventeenth birthday. In my family, we have a pocket watch passed down from father to son for generations. It's old and a bit outdated, but it's the only Lupin heirloom."

"What happened to it?" Harry asked.

He placed the radio aside among the rest of his gifts as he sat down in front of his plate full of pancakes. Ron had already started eating and was listening to their conversation. Remus sat across from Harry. Molly was at the counter talking to Ginny as she served her daughter a plate.

"My father cursed it, I guess he didn't want his son's werewolf hands to ever touch it."

"That's why you're giving me your mum's radio?"

"Yes, another thing that I think is much more precious that deserves to be passed down to you than a silly cursed watch. So don't you feel guilty at all for accepting it. I want you to have it, Harry, I have lots of good memories of that old thing, and I know my mother would've agreed. I know she would've loved you."

Harry softened at that admittance. "I wish I could've met her."

"I do too, cub."

Harry smiled.

"Eat your pancakes," Remus then said.

They both began to eat, Ginny and Molly joined them at the table. Ron was already on his second serving. And watching his son eat his pancakes without any hesitation for the first time since his return to the Burrow, with the pile of opened birthday presents next to him, Remus couldn't help but think how Severus was missing this. Did he care that it was Harry's seventeenth birthday today? Did he even have any heart in him left to remember the date? Remus pushed the ache of those thoughts away and forced himself to not fall from them, to just focus on his son sitting across from him.

"You are still getting a watch," Remus said to Harry as he poured a huge amount of syrup over his pancakes, then passed the jug over to Ron who did the same. Ginny looked at her brother with disgust.

Harry looked up from his plate with surprise. "I am?"

Remus winked at him, then nodded to Molly. Harry turned to see Molly pull her brother's watch out of her pocket. She stood up and he turned to face her. Harry had grown quiet as Molly began to speak.

"It's not new or anything, it's a bent dented too but it was my brother's and it…"

Harry got up from his seat and hugged Molly tight. Molly smiled and hugged him in return, her eyes growing misty before they pulled apart. She spoke softly to Harry so the others wouldn't hear but Remus was still able to catch it.

"You're considered a son here, dear, I want this to remind you of that. You're not alone anymore, even everything that's happened and will happen with the war and your mission, remember that you'll always be one of my children."

"This was something Severus was supposed to do," Harry whispered back to her.

Remus was surprised at Harry's admittance, he was never one to open up as deeply as that. Remus felt his heart break from it. Harry was right. This should've been Severus giving Harry a watch on his seventeenth birthday, and Remus was so grateful to Molly for taking over that role. And seeing this moment between Molly and Harry, Remus was more convinced that he had done the right thing in allowing Molly to give his cub her brother's watch.

"A cursed watch sounds kinda cool though," Ron said to Remus.

"A cursed watch? Whose got one of those?" Fred asked.

"We'll take that if no one wants it," George added as he and Fred joined the others at the table.

Remus tilted his head at that. It wasn't a bad idea, he realized. Leave it to the twins to find use for it.

"George, how are you feeling?" Molly patted Harry's cheek with motherly affection then went over to George inspecting his wrappings around his head.

"I'm fine mum, it's just a hole in the side of my head. I'm sure people have suffered worse than this," George said, shaking her off.

"I just want to see if you've been keeping it clean."

"I scrub it twice a day!"

"Wothcher, Harry, morning, Remus, you left early," Tonks announced as she joined the growing crowd of people in the kitchen, right behind her was Hermione who served herself a plate and sat down next to Ron. Tonks served herself a cup of tea after greeting Molly hello and sat next to Remus.

Harry greeted Tonks politely in return.

"Look like you've got a good haul there, Happy birthday!" she indicated to his birthday presents.

"Yeah I did and thanks!" Harry said, and Remus could tell Harry was trying his best to be polite to her. He had eaten more than half his food already but as soon as the kitchen began to grow loud and full of people, Remus noticed Harry putting down his fork.

"Harry, why don't you and Ron, go take these upstairs since you're done eating?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded and nudged Ron's shoulder, "Come on, Ron."

"Oh, Harry, before you go, is there anything in particular you would like for your birthday dinner?" Molly asked.

"Birthday dinner? No, you don't have to…"

"Nonsense, dear, it is no trouble at all."

"Oh, okay, treacle tart would be nice then."

"Perfect, and Ron, start pulling the extra tables and chairs out from the shed."

"But I'm helping Harry take…"

"Go now, and I'll send Fred and Charlie out to help you as well."

Ron scowled and put the presents he had gathered back on the table.

Charlie had come into the kitchen as Mrs. Weasley was speaking to them. Tonks bashfully said hello to him and he sat down next to her. Remus suddenly felt like his side of the bench began to feel too crowded so he got up and began clearing up any used dishes and taking them to the sink so they could wash themselves. He then gathered up some of Harry's presents.

"Come on, cub, I'll help you."

The mingled voices and laughter grew louder as Harry and Remus passed Fleur's parents and youngest daughter as they exited the kitchen.

"It's really been a full house here, huh?" Remus asked as they began to climb the stairs to Ron's room.

"You know she's purposely just keeping me and Ron apart. I could've helped him with the tables," Harry pointed out.

For days Molly had been determined in keeping Harry, Ron and Hermione apart from planning their mission in hopes it would prolong them from leaving. Arthur and Remus told Molly it was a bad idea, that they would find a way to talk eventually, and perhaps it would be better for them to prepare, but she was stubborn in her efforts.

"She trapped me in an interrogation in the laundry room, I feel bad, I was a bit rude with her, and now she's given me her brother's watch and throwing me a birthday dinner…"

"Don't take it to heart, Harry, she's just worried. We all are. It's her way of trying to protect you, Ron and Hermione."

"I know… She's just making it hard…"

Once they dumped the presents on Harry's cot, Remus suggested a walk outside.

The day was already hot. Charlie, Fred and Ron could be seen pulling out tables, chairs and what looked like to be a very large tent out of the shed as Harry and Remus made their way towards the pond.

"I sort of can't wait for all of this wedding hustle and bustle to be over," Remus pointed out.

"Same," Harry agreed. "You don't drink coffee anymore."

"What?" Remus said, suddenly not understanding.

"You don't drink coffee anymore. Everytime you come over and Mrs. Weasley offers you coffee, you decline and ask for tea."

Remus looked down at Harry, the sounds of their shoes crunching on the gravelly path around the lake. "Why are you suddenly paying attention to what beverages I prefer?"

Harry shrugged. "You and Severus used to drink coffee as if it were a life elixir every morning and now…"

"That is why, cub," Remus interrupted. "It's just…" and he suddenly lost what he wanted to say.

Harry had been studying Remus' face, then looked away, his eyes on the pond, the water so still it looked like glass. "You don't have to say anymore."

Remus put an arm around Harry and pulled him closed, giving him a big kiss on his forehead.

"Ugh, papa!" Harry pushed Remus away with feigned disgust.

"That's for growing up on me, cub, happy birthday!" Remus chuckled.

Harry laughed, "You've been telling me that all morning!"

"Well, I like saying it!"

They continued walking until Harry's pace began to slow down, until his mood began to grow more somber and Remus turned to face him, knowing exactly what Harry was going to ask him.

"Do you think he cares?"

And the hurt that spilled out with those words, it tore Remus up inside… So much that he struggled with what to say… "I want to say yes, I wish I can say that with certainty…"

Harry stopped walking then turned towards the pond, stepping a bit closer to it. He picked up a small stone and threw it far. Remus watched it skip a few impressive times before it disappeared down below into the watery depths. "It just wasn't supposed to be like this. He promised me so many times that he would be there, that he loved me, he loved you, then he betrayed us so horribly. What are we supposed to do with that?"

"We carry it with us and we use those broken promises to fight through the war, we use it as a reason to not give up, Harry, we won't give him what he wants. We won't break because of it."

Harry sighed a deep shuddering breath.

Remus stepped besides him, watching Harry as he skipped a few more stones.

"Harry, I want you to talk to me about your mission."

Harry frowned at that, "I've already made it clear to you…"

"I know, but you wanted to leave that night without me there!" Remus interrupted before Harry could finish.

"I just couldn't bear the thought of being there and putting everyone in danger. I don't want anyone else getting hurt or dying for me. I need to fight my own battles!" Harry scowled, throwing a few more stones but this time they sunk straight into the lake.

"Your battle is my battle, cub, don't you ever think you are alone in this. We are all fighting for you and we are fighting with you. It's the choice we all made, and don't you ever feel guilty for what we choose to do. We all want this war to be over, and we would all sacrifice everything to end it with us being victorious and you alive to live a future you deserve."

Harry didn't respond to that, he only continued to look out at the view of the pond and the hills beyond it.

"I understand that Dumbledore left you a task that he believed only you can do, but it doesn't mean that you should shut us out completely. I've told you this before, consider me helping you. I respect that you are now seventeen and you are dead set on leaving on this mission, but just promise me one thing, cub, don't just take off. Tell me goodbye."

Harry looked up at Remus. "Are you going to stop me from leaving if I do?"

"No, I won't," Remus' voice shook. Saying that went against every instinct he had in his body, because what he really wanted to say was… I won't stop you, but I'll go with you, I'll follow you straight to Voldemort if I have to… But he knew that wasn't the answer Harry wanted from him.

Harry looked into Remus' eyes, and Remus saw almost a mirror image of the hurt and betrayal and fear of a war approaching that he'd been feeling for months in those bright-green eyes.

"You can always trust me, cub."

Harry then pulled his gaze away and they continued their walk. "Okay then, I won't disappear on you."

Remus nodded with relief.

"There's one thing I could tell you, just because Mr. Weasley already knows…" Harry continued.

And Harry told Remus Ron's plans of how they were going to pretend the ghoul was Ron sick with Spattergroit. How Fred and George helped Ron put pajamas on it and covered it with boils. Arthur also helped, and they did it all without Molly knowing. Harry made Remus promise he wouldn't tell her or anyone else. It was an alibi to explain why Ron wasn't returning to Hogwarts and putting his family in danger.

Remus listened, it wasn't a bad idea. It may even buy Ron a bit of time. It was a lot simpler than what Hermione had to resort to. Remus really felt for the poor girl, hoping when this was all over, she'll be able to find her parents and restore their memories.

This wasn't fair to them. Even though they were all seventeen, they were still just kids to Remus. Seventeen year olds shouldn't have to be sacrificing for a war. They should be finishing up school, figuring out their futures. He was glad that he managed to get Harry to promise to tell him goodbye at least, to not just disappear, but he couldn't help but wonder just how true Harry's promise for him was. Would he really say goodbye? Or would suddenly Remus find him and his friends gone? And Remus would never have the chance to say goodbye to them, to have one last chance to plead to Harry to let him in. To let him help. That he didn't have to do this alone, none of them did. And what if this mission, what if this war took years? Would this be the very last time Harry and Remus were together before everything changes?

Those fears clouded Remus' head, filled his heart, made his vision a bit blurry and he felt a bit dizzy, but he refused to let it show. The wolf whined from the sudden bout of anxiety. And Remus had one question for himself as they decided to turn back towards the Burrow, when the time came, after Harry tells Remus goodbye, would Remus really be able to let him go just like that?

---

Once Harry had fallen into his terrible habit of cutting himself when things felt out of control started again, he couldn't stop. It was an addiction he hated and needed. He was so ashamed of it, and he hated how every time he was forced to show his papa his cuts, the look Remus would have on his face was always just pure sadness and worry. But sometimes it was the only thing that took away his anxiety, his stress of everything bad going on around him and not being able to do anything to stop it, to deal with the pain raging on inside him.

As he felt the marred skin on his arm in the dark room, Harry wondered if Remus were sleeping at the Burrow, if he might've gone to him for help, for comfort, to take away the need to cut. But Remus was with her and Harry understood why. There was no room here, and it made sense. Remus and Tonks were expecting a baby together.

But Harry couldn't sleep and his papa wasn't here and he missed Severus so much today, Harry couldn't let anyone see that today on his birthday. Yet, there was one exception. Mrs. Weasley, she knew as Harry accidentally let slip his feelings after she'd given him her brother's old pocket watch that morning. She knew and all she could do was hug him and Harry took her comfort. It wasn't a hug from his dad and Remus couldn't be Severus, but at least he had him and Mrs. Weasley.

Harry ended up staying awake long after Ron had stopped playing with his Deluminator that was left to him by Dumbledore. Fighting with himself to not give in to cutting again, he kept himself distracted by going over everything that happened on his seventeenth birthday, his thoughts racing along with the sounds of Ron's heavy snores, and the thumps and moans and groans coming from the ghoul in the attic above Ron's bedroom.

The first thing that happened on his birthday that Harry hadn't expected was Ginny kissing him. It happened right after his walk around the pond with his papa, after he left and Harry had gone up the stairs to search for his friends. When he passed by Ginny's bedroom door, her door suddenly opened and the chocolate brown eyes that always made his stomach swoop and his knees weak were suddenly boring into him, and it all just happened so fast. Suddenly Harry was in Ginny's room. Suddenly he was noticing the posters of her favorite bands and Quidditch teams, her desk with the window that looked out over the orchard and the make-shift Quidditch hoops outlined against the bright-blue sky. Harry was thinking about just how many times Ginny had been excluded from Quidditch and watched her brothers play through this window when he turned around and suddenly she was there, standing so close to him.

And then her lips were on Harry's and they were so familiar, the soft gentleness of them. Kissing Ginny, it was like coming home after a long trip. It was as if he'd finally found something that he'd lost and been losing his mind over the absence of it…and with its return, it wasn't the same. There was something about this kiss that was different, that was final, and Harry knew Ginny could feel it too. She pulled away from him, leaving Harry feeling empty. His heart was breaking and he knew this was his own fault. He was the one that had let her go first, and now she was doing the same.

Harry didn't know what to do, and there was nothing that could make this situation better, it was only to keep her safe. It had always been just that, nothing else.

"Ginny, I thought…"

"I know, you told me why and I've thought about it, I've been thinking about it, but it's what you want, Harry, and it's too hard. I don't need you to keep me safe and I can't wait around for the possibility of us being together again. If I have to get over you, and once I do, I can't fall back into it again I can't…"

"Ginny…"

"Just go, Harry, happy birthday."

Feeling so wretched with himself, Harry left, having the feeling that she broke up with him for good with no possibility of ever starting over again. And it didn't help that Ron had seen Harry come out of her room and had dragged him up the stairs by the arm to scold him for messing with Ginny. Harry couldn't admit to him that he didn't have to worry about that anymore. Because Ginny was right to be so broken up over this, he shouldn't have decided they were over without her input, with the only reason for keeping her safe. Maybe he should have given her more credit. He really was a twat, and he really deserved Ginny dumping him for good.

Then Harry's birthday dinner happened. Mrs. Weasley had really outdone herself. It was three long tables full of food and drinks and another pile of presents, just as last year with most of the Order of the Phoenix in attendance who weren't busy with missions. The Delacors took up one section, along with the Weasleys and Hagrid and Hermione. Ginny stayed away from Harry as best as she could. The fact that just a year ago they were sitting alone in the orchard, fireflies flying all around them, and Harry had just opened the present she'd given him. They had sat so close to each other, shy, but both feeling the excitement of something between them starting in the form of the glowing fireflies hovering around them, and now, now it was gone. Now there was nothing but painful awkwardness and heartbreak hovering between them, especially when despite their efforts to stay apart, they still somehow ended up sitting next to each other at the table.

Mrs. Weasley was placing a plate full of everything, including the biggest amount of mashed potatoes, in front of him. And for the first time ever, the sight of that much food wasn't what was stressing Harry out, it was the fact that he was trying very hard to not bump elbows with Ginny, when Remus had finally arrived with Tonks.

Seeing the two together, and the small swell of Tonk's belly, Harry couldn't help but feel angry over the situation of Tonks having Remus' baby, but it wasn't as strong anymore as when he'd first found out. Mainly because Harry knew he could be mad at Remus all he wanted but it wouldn't change anything. He just had to accept it, and not let his negative thoughts get the best of him. Because what if the new baby would be better for Remus. To have a kid with no rotten past, no scars, no cutting, no prophecy… His papa deserved that… But he knew Remus loved him, and would still love him even with a new baby. Harry knew he was being ridiculous.

And to chase away those thoughts, Harry forced himself to be excited at the thought of him actually having a sibling, something he thought he would never have the privilege to experience.

Remus sat down in front of Harry, Tonks sat next to Hermione and across from Ginny. Their added presence caused the space at the table to be tighter than ever. But Harry didn't care, even if he and Ginny had accidentally bumped elbows again. Remus greeted him with sparkling hazel eyes full of happiness and affection and pride all for him.

"Hi, cub, only a few hours apart and you look more like a seventeen year old than when you did this morning!" Remus then leant over so he was closer to Harry. "Hold it, is that a gray hair I see?"

"Stop, you're teasing!" Harry laughed, he then looked around to see where Mrs. Weasley was. He spotted her fawning over Charlie who had an even bigger amount of mashed potatoes then what she gave Harry. The twins loudly pointing out that they didn't even get mashed potatoes from her.

Harry looked at Remus again and held out his plate, "Can you…"

Remus' eyes widened at the sight of Harry's plate, then understanding dawned on him and he gave Harry a wink, taking the plate and scraping more than half of the mashed potatoes off and onto his own plate. "I got you covered, cub."

It wasn't long until everyone had finished eating when Remus had excused himself. Tonks had been talking to Ron, Hermione and Ginny, keeping the conversation flowing with laughter. Harry had been feeling out of place and awkward with Tonks and Ginny, but the feeling didn't last…

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you…" Harry suddenly heard Mrs. Weasley and Remus singing, the chatter around the tables joined in and turned into song. Harry looked up over the crowd, to see them coming with a large cake in the shape of a snitch, causing Harry to smile.

They placed it in front of him, Remus telling him to make a wish and blow out the candles. Everyone cheered just as Harry looked up after doing just that, and he thought he saw something move in the darkness of the Burrow, near the porch. But before he could even think about it, Harry's attention was torn away with cake suddenly on his nose paired with Remus' laughter, and when he found the chance to look back again, there was nothing there. He figured it may have been one of the garden gnomes the Weasley's yard sometimes grew infested with, probably coming out to see what all the noise was about.

After the cake had been eaten and more presents were opened, and a few party games were played, arranged by Remus and Tonks, mostly everyone began to say their goodbyes. Hagrid had just finished drunkenly singing he's a jolly good fellow along with the twins, Remus went to Harry, who was sitting on the stoop, observing everyone who came to celebrate his seventeenth birthday, still shocked at the amount of people who managed to show up despite everything. It made him feel less alone, like he had people willing to fight for him, to celebrate him, it was nice.

Remus sat next to him, a plate of cake in his hand. "What are you doing over here, cub?"

"Isn't that your third piece of cake?" Harry scoffed. He didn't want to admit to Remus that he thought he saw something. His curiosity had gotten the best of him and he suddenly found himself looking around, then sat down on the stoop when he found nothing instead, feeling a bit stupid over it. He wasn't even sure what he was looking for or what he wanted to find.

"Don't judge me, it's one of the best homemade cakes I've ever had," Remus defended himself as he tucked in. "Who knew being Molly's favorite would have its perks."

"I'm not her favorite," Harry said with a huff, then reached out and tried taking a piece from Remus' plate.

"Hey, get your own!" Remus laughed, pulling the plate away from Harry's reach.

And then suddenly the easy laughter and the sounds of lengthy goodbyes all turned into whispers. Remus suddenly stiffened, the easy-going air he had suddenly gone. His eyes flashing amber as he sought out a figure coming down the path.

"Papa?" Harry asked.

Remus didn't answer, a low growl rumbling in his throat. Alarmed, Harry followed his gaze, shocked to see the Minister of Magic. The last time Harry had seen Scrimgeour, it was during last Christmas. He had been asking for Harry's involvement in the war.

This time, he had come with Dumbledore's will.

Hermione had received a book of fairy tales. She'd given it to Remus to look through, wondering why Dumbledore would leave her with this. Ron had been given a Deluminator, and Harry had received the golden snitch from his very first Quidditch game.

It was all so strange, and Harry wondered if any of this had anything to do with the task of finding all the remaining horcruxes Dumbledore had left him with. Also he wondered what happened to the sword of Gryffindor. Had it really been lost or had the ministry taken it?

And then that led to an anxiety-filled spiral about the task. All the questions and doubts and plans Harry had over it. It began to swirl around until suddenly his chest felt tight. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. And he knew if he cut, it would soothe him, it would take it all away and then perhaps he could sleep after.

He was so close to just scratching himself.

But something stopped him.

Maybe it was because of the way Remus had reacted when he saw Harry's arm the night Harry came to the Burrow. He couldn't bear to cause Remus to look at him that way again, and thinking of his papa, he remembered what Remus had told him, using his pain to fight harder during the war, don't let it consume him. To throw all of his focus, all of his energy, throw everything into the mission. Focus on that, that was what was important right now. And Harry knew if he were to do that, if this mission were to succeed, if he wanted Voldemort vanquished for good, he couldn't continue hurting himself anymore.

Harry needed to be here. And so he clenched his fists in a tight ball, trying very hard to fight the urge of cutting away until he finally fell into a tensed sleep.

---

The house constantly creaked. It never stopped.

It could just be the sounds of it settling like his mom would always tell him when it used to scare him at night, after all the house was very old. Or it could just be the ghosts that haunted Spinner's End.

Maybe because it has been empty for years, but Severus didn't remember it being this bad.

He wondered about his mother, if she had still been alive, would she have stayed here after Tobias died? He then pushed any thoughts of her out of his mind. He didn't need anymore reasons to drink right now, he had enough already without that. Severus brought the bottle to his lips, thinking how he needed something stronger than red wine for tonight.

The rumors that were going on around Malfoy Manor about Alastor Moody's body was more than enough reason to give into his vices of drinking. The last meeting he went to, Yaxley was proudly walking around with the electric blue eye. It made Severus' stomach churn, and as soon as he arrived back to Malfoy Manor, he threw up his guts in the kitchen sink, shaking with horror and disgust and the only thought that went through his mind was how he had a feeling, judging by his last encounter with Remus, that the Order blamed Severus for Alastor's death, knew that he had found the body before them… It was just the way Remus looked at Severus that night…

Severus took a long swig, as if the wine could chase away those hard amber eyes from his memory.

And Harry was cutting again. Severus thought back to the early rainy morning. He'd been camped out under the bushes that were directly below Harry's window. It was right before Harry was picked up from Privet Drive. It was a miserable wet morning, Remus never arrived for his watch. Instead it was Hestia Jones and Fleur Delacour that kept watch. Severus remembered how surprised he was with himself that he was able to scent them out and recognize them, not used to the strong senses of his Animagus form, when he smelled something else in the air, faint, as if it were carried by the windy rain. It smelled like iron. It was blood. He looked up, pointing his nose towards the window and without thinking about it, he howled. Hoping that would pull Harry out of his episode. He never found out if it worked, and the passing days after that, that was all Severus could think about, could worry about, and he thanked Merlin that Remus at least knew about Harry's habit, that he would find out eventually and help him stop again.

But those weren't the only reasons why Severus was seeking comfort in his bottle of wine.

Today was Harry's birthday. His son's seventeenth birthday, and Severus wasn't there to celebrate it with him. Instead he was here, alone in this wretched haunted house.

He fiddled with his gold pocket watch. A watch he had proudly bought on his own with his first Hogwarts paycheck. It had been a symbol to Severus of the start of his new life, back when he was happy with the opportunity to teach Potions. Before he grew tired of it, and the weight of Albus' plans for the war grew too heavy and tiresome for Severus to bear, to even enjoy teaching anymore.

He opened the pocket watch, the little hands ticking. If things had turned out differently… He would've given this to Harry today.

The pain that followed after that thought was unbearable. Severus shoved the watch back into his pocket, not able to look at it anymore, then he finished off the rest of the wine, realizing that he had never hated Albus Dumbledore more than that very moment. More than he hated the Dark Lord. More than he hated the war and how he could never escape from it. It followed him around like an unwanted dark shadow. Severus realized he hated Albus more than he could hate even Potter and Black, even his own father. He hated Albus Dumbledore down to the very depths of his soul, down to the very core of him, dark and twisting and angry. It made his hands shake.

But not as much as Severus was hating himself for allowing Albus Dumbledore and the Dark Lord to turn Severus into their puppet of war. For allowing Albus to manipulate him into hurting the only two people that really mattered to him.

Severus tossed the empty wine bottle, the sounds of it breaking against the wall joined in with the horrible creaking.

And without a thought, without a pause to really wonder if this was a good idea or just foolish, Severus stood up from the moldy old armchair he was sitting on and Disapparated out of the house. He appeared moments later in a dark alleyway of the nearest town by the Burrow.

The glow of the lights were the first thing he saw, followed by the sounds of laughter and the voices of people having a good time as he ran down the last hill.

The wards didn't set off once he passed them, not when he was in his Animagus form. And thanks to his black fur coat, no one noticed as he crept to the darkest part of the back yard, settling himself under a bush near the porch after making sure he had a perfect view of Remus and Harry sitting together, talking and laughing at the three connected tables full of food. Harry's smile was the brightest thing Severus could see, taking the dark depression that had settled so heavily and unbearably in his chest tonight.

Remus' back was facing Severus and he wished he could just turn around so Severus could see his face, see Remus happy, see him smile and chase away the last memory Severus had of him, Remus looking at him as if he were some sort of monster...

Maybe I am… Who the fuck would do what I've done to them!

Severus huffed at the thought and laid his chin on his paws as he settled into his spot, hoping the scent of the bush he was hiding in would mask his scent from Remus' strong werewolf nose. Watching them, they really did look happy together. Harry laughed at something Remus said, the sound of it vibrating in Severus' heart. They were moving on, he realized. They were learning to live without him.

Seeing Harry smile, it was the only thing that Severus held onto. He wanted his son to be happy. After that long hideous summer in Privet Drive, Severus didn't think he would ever see that smile again… But still it hurt worse than anything he'd ever felt before… The fact that they can be happy without him. The fact that Remus had moved on and was now married to that witch and expecting a child with her… He could never be as strong as them and just easily let him go. He could never let them go like that.

But he understood why. Maybe they had to. Maybe the pain of his betrayal was too much to bear to hang onto. Severus was torn at being hurt over them being happy without him and being understanding over it as he continued to watch them.

He watched them and watched them. Noticed how Harry was careful to not bump into Ginny beside him, how they didn't look or speak to each other. Severus forced himself to not growl every time the witch spoke to Remus. The scents of Molly's food caused his stomach to rumble. It's been a long time since he'd eaten a proper home cooked meal.

Then suddenly Remus stood up from the table, and he and Molly began to walk back towards the Burrow. Severus flattened himself to the ground, not daring to move an inch. Preparing to just play the part of a hungry stray wolf-dog if they found him. But he had nothing to worry about. They both went into the Burrow, then came back out holding a giant birthday cake between them.

The risk of this was worth seeing the look on Harry's face.

Severus imagined himself being there besides his son, singing happy birthday along with everyone else, then kissing Remus as they watched Harry blow out the candles. Giving Harry his pocket watch. Not here, miserable and hiding in the bushes alone.

Was this how it was going to be now? Even if they all won the war and survived, would it just result to this? Severus always being the outsider, forced to watch them move on and live their lives without him, to never be a part of them again.

Maybe it was for the best… After all, what had Severus expected… He betrayed them in the worst possible way, even if it was all because of Albus, even when killing him was not as it really seemed… What did Severus expect Remus and Harry to do with that?

And suddenly Severus had enough, no matter how much he understood, it still hurt deeply and he couldn't bear to watch the happy birthday scene going on any longer. He couldn't bear to watch Remus wipe frosting on Harry's nose and hear his mischievous laughter ringing out over the crowd.

Severus was almost near the town when the dark mark suddenly burned, causing him to growl before changing back into his human form immediately and instantly Disapparating away.

"Severus…" The Dark Lord greeted him as soon as Severus entered the dining hall at Malfoy Manor. "Are you ready to return to Hogwarts as its new headmaster?"

.

.

After the long meeting full of plans for Severus to become Hogwarts' new headmaster, he found himself walking through the Malfoys' garden. He had meant to seek out Draco, but his mind wandered and he found himself taking a walk through the mazes of white roses instead. It was late, there was a chance Draco had retired to bed already anyway.

"Severus," Narcissa suddenly joined him, ripping him out of his thoughts. "You seem melancholy today."

"What makes you say that?"

"You never stay here for very long, you usually check up on Draco and then you leave."

"I just fancied a walk through your admirable gardens."

"Severus, I don't want Draco going back to Hogwarts. I want him here."

Severus stopped, turning to look at Narcissa in shimmering green and gold robes. "How do you expect to watch over him if he's not in the same place as I am? I think Hogwarts would be safer, away from…"

"He's the safest with me. Just tell the Dark Lord you decline the offer of being headmaster, tell him you have more important things to do."

"No, for reasons that should be obvious to you! Whatever amount of students that are actually returning will need to be protected."

"That's not up to you! Albus Dumbledore is dead! You don't have to play the role of professor anymore. Stay here, Severus."

They stared at each other for a moment, none of them backing down against their argument.

"Look, Narcissa, even if I do what you ask, do you really think the Dark Lord would allow me to walk away alive after defying an order from him?"

"If he orders you to jump off a cliff would you do it then!" Narcissa hissed.

"Not without a plan in place…" was all Severus said before walking away, then throwing over his shoulder, "I'm going to Hogwarts and that is that, Draco could either come with me or he stays here with you."

Narcissa only shook her head with frustration, then walked back towards the manor, her green robes billowing out around her.

All Severus could do was watch her go with frustration building up inside of him for what she was demanding him to do… Is she mad? To go against the Dark Lord's orders so openly? Narcissa made it sound so easy, it was reckless. It would only result in Severus losing his life, and he was determined not to lose it just yet. He worked too hard to get here, risked everything and more than what he was willing to give up, just to climb the highest of the Dark Lord's ranks. And he wasn't going to throw it all away for Narcissa, just to make her feel better. Draco either comes with Severus to Hogwarts or he stays here with his parents, with the Dark Lord sitting on his make-shift throne in their dining room. Severus wondered not for the first time if becoming allies with Narcissa had been a smart decision on his part.

Severus continued to walk alone in the never-ending maze of white roses. Their soft petals lit up by the bright iridescent glow of the lanterns hung up on a post at every corner. When Severus was younger and had first visited Malfoy Manor after dark, he was impressed. He couldn't get over how beautiful this garden was, always admiring the lanterns. They were so bright and dazzling, they caused the pathway to sparkle, as if he were walking on starlight. They chased away all of the natural moonlight. That was what Severus liked best about them. He never had to be reminded of his greatest fear. The light of the full-moon.

But now, he wasn't afraid of the full-moon anymore. It was all in the past and now he wondered…

Suddenly, Severus wanted to know what kind of lights they were, and for the very first time, curiosity got the best of him or maybe he was just channeling his son's curious nature, always leading Harry into sticky situations. Severus wasn't sure, but he still stepped off the well-kept starry path. He stepped closer to the light post. The brightness caused him to squint his eyes, and to his shock and to his horror, there were actual fairies trapped inside the glass! Severus stepped back, no longer impressed by the garden's beauty. It was never as it seemed, he realized. It was only a cold beauty hiding the true cruelties of imprisonment.

Maybe if he figured this out when he was younger, Severus wouldn't have been bothered about trapped fairies. Maybe he wouldn't have cared, but after everything that has happened. Because of this war, Severus knew what it felt like to be trapped because of what he could offer. Knew what it felt like to be used. He might as well have been trapped with the poor fairies in their glass jars…

Twinkling muggle Christmas lights, red, green, blue and yellow. The way those colors reflected in hazel-green eyes, the color of leaves turning brown. A sign of summer changing into fall. That was the beauty that took Severus' breath away these days. Hearing a wolf's lonely howl on the night of a full-moon. The gold that could be found in deep amber eyes. Gold that came to light everytime the sun would cast its rays on soft light-brown hair. The sounds of pages turning, of chocolate breaking apart, of cream and sugar being stirred into coffee. Holding on tightly to the person most dear to him… Severus craved that sort of rare beauty, and he couldn't believe that he had once been so afraid of it…

So afraid of the moonlight, that he once thought this icy and cold garden was beautiful for chasing it away.

He focused on that rare beauty that once was his to hold, he focused on his pain of losing it, allowed himself to become breathless with it… It felt safe and comforting and real, reminding Severus that he was still himself, that he wasn't a complete monster. His soul was still there, still hurting, still glowing underneath the darkness in the form of white roses and sparkling lanterns and starry pathways.

The color of his soul…he imagined it as the color of silvery moonlight, the only thing that Severus knew was still keeping him alive. Because if he didn't have that, there really was nothing stopping him from defying the Dark Lord's orders. If he really did want to just end it all… The opportunity was there.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And thank you all for reading! Next update will be at the end of January!

Review Answers:

Imaginer.012: Thank you for always reviewing! I know, I miss writing about them being a cute happy family, but a lot of things need to happen first before they could be together again. I sure do love writing Harry angst, so there will always be plenty of that lol

CityGirl7768: I'm sorry! Haha! Thank you for hanging in there through all of my angsty writing! Each chapter is going to get better for them, I promise! And thank you for telling me all of the parts you liked about my story! I really appreciate your insight on it.

bluemoonwrites: I'm so glad you like that last scene, after reading everyone's reviews, it has become quite popular and I'm so glad for it because it was hard to write lol. I'm so grateful for your wonderful compliments, for your review and appreciation and thoughts on it! Thank you for your kind words!

JJReeves17: Thank you for loving my story as much as I do, I'm honored to hear it. Thank you for reading it and taking the time to tell me! I really appreciate it!