So sorry to anyone who read the incomprehensible version of this chapter I posted yesterday. Luckily my master copy of the fic was fine, but when I put it in a separate doc to format for ao3 it got all fucky. Presumably karma for running this operation on a pirated version of Microsoft Word 2010. Lesson learned.

ANYWAY enjoy Chapter 3. I actually really like this one. Chapter 4 is still a trainwreck but that's a problem for Next Week Liz

By royal family standards, our Christmas dinner was simple. Most of the staff had the day off, so we passed the plates around ourselves, and half of us still had wet hair from the pool. The bubble would pop soon; we'd go back to the obligations and formalities of everyday life, but I was determined to enjoy this as long as I could. Of course, it was hard to enjoy it fully when Kile was in my line of sight and Osten was clearly plotting something, but I was giving it my best.

It wasn't all bad. When Mom was around her siblings, she got all nostalgic and told stories she wouldn't normally tell, about her life before Dad. Most of them embarrassed Uncle Kota—he always rushed to add that he'd grown up a lot since then—and a shocking number of them involved General Leger.

I'd never lived outside the palace. I could hardly comprehend what my mom's life used to be. For a brief moment, I understood why Kile had always been so desperate to get out of here when we were younger. There was so much life to live out there, and a person could only experience so much of it from within these walls.

Towards the end of the meal, Kaden cleared his throat. It was hard to take him seriously when his hair was all spiked up and messy from swimming, but it sounded like he had something important to say. "Everyone, we have an announcement to make."

We meant him and Josie, his beaming wife. Suddenly, I knew exactly what they were going to say.

"We're going to have a baby."

There was a brief moment of stunned silence. Then, Miss Marlee gasped like she'd been shot (in a good way, I think) and jumped up to hug the soon-to-be parents. She turned back to Kile briefly. "I'm still glad you're here, but this is the best Christmas gift ever!"

I congratulated Kaden and Josie automatically, but a dark pit was forming in my stomach. Something I wasn't proud of, a bitter jealousy that could never be spoken aloud. My baby brother, married to the love of his life, about to become a father.

And me, the eldest, all alone. The only Schreave who hadn't surpassed me was Osten, and he was fifteen.

I pushed those thoughts to the side roughly. This was fantastic news! Whatever jumble of emotions brewed within me, I wouldn't dream of making Kaden and Josie's announcement all about me. I abandoned my dinner and joined the group hug.

Josie was laughing so hard she cried a little. Kaden had his chest puffed out like a peacock. Mom and Miss Marlee were peppering them with question (no, they didn't have names picked out, yes, this was why Josie hadn't wanted to go swimming, they didn't know the gender yet) and Camille offered pregnancy advice. I realized there really wasn't room for me there either, and I sat down next to Ahren, trying to convince a very sleepy Marie to eat some mashed potatoes. "Looks like the pressure's off you."

"From one side of the family. Daphne will hear about this and want another grandbaby immediately."

"And why wouldn't she? The first one turned out great."

"Marie is ten months old. I don't think we can really determine anything about her character yet."

Jokes aside, I felt unpleasantly shaken up, and I slipped away as soon as I could after dessert, retreating to the parlor. The Christmas tree and twinkling lights, a couple of Shalom's toys scattered around the room, made me feel a little bit better. It was so wrong, and I knew it was so wrong, to feel bitter about my brothers outpacing me to marriage and having children. I should've been happy for them effortlessly.

It wasn't a race, but I still felt behind.

And alone.

I didn't get to feel alone for very long. Kile, the last person in the world I wanted to see, had to show up and ruin my sulking. "You left pretty fast."

"I know. I just needed a minute." It was the most honest I'd been with him since he got back. At the moment, eaten alive by equal parts guilt and resentment, Kile and the incident were no longer my biggest problems.

"Because of the pregnancy announcement?"

I exhaled, couldn't even look at him. "I know. I know how awful that is. I feel like the worst person in the world right now."

This was Kile. I'd messed everything up with him; we weren't supposed to be speaking, especially about this, the ugliest side of me. Something about him just unraveled me—the last time I'd kept full control around Kile Woodwork was the day I ended the Selection, and truth be told, I'd been hanging by a thread then too.

It was written in the stars at some point: I would say something I shouldn't, and Kile would surprise me. My tone couldn't have been welcoming, but he sat down on the couch next to me. Not close enough to touch, but it would've been easy to bridge the gap.

I folded my hands in my lap. Making impulsive mistakes seemed to be a core part of who I was, but I'd learned my lesson regarding this particular mistake.

"I don't think you're the worst person in the world." Kile's voice was low, soft. Against my will, I remembered the last time we were alone. How well had that gone, exactly? What the hell were we doing here? "I kind of get it. I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be in life either. I'm thrilled for Josie, obviously, but I feel a little stalled out, too."

Kile got it. I should have found it comforting, but my skin prickled. I didn't want us to be on the slippery slope of understanding each other, because I knew what was waiting for us at the bottom, and we couldn't go there anymore. I sounded as disdainful as I could manage. "Don't be ridiculous, Kile. You have your job in the city."

Like you always wanted. More than you ever wanted me.

History repeated itself. I said something stupid, possibly with the intention of ripping my own heart out. "…and you have Alice."

I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth, but that didn't stop me from living it all over again.

§

Kaden and Josie's wedding fell on the most beautiful night in June. Not a cloud in the sky, the full moon and fireflies kept the garden glowing long after sunset. The air was cool, a rare treat for Angeles in summer; I might have been cold if not for the steady flow of wine and dancing.

It was so easy to fall back in. A bridesmaid and a groomsman, Kile and I were paired to walk up and down the aisle together. Then, we sat together at dinner. We talked, naturally. We watched Josie's friend Shannon catch the bouquet. Then, one of us—I don't remember who; that's the honest truth—asked the other to dance.

Two hundred people in the garden, but it felt for all the world like just the two of us. Ahren and Camille were busy with Marie. Kaden and Josie were lost in each other; to be expected. Osten, in a bold move even for him, appeared to be making a move on the Icelandic prime minister's daughter. Why wouldn't Kile and I reconnect, two good friends who understood each other in a way no one else could?

He had to be thinking the same thing. Missed opportunities, the two of us. The cornflower blue of his tie brought out the blue in his eyes. The silk bridesmaid dresses Josie picked out had slits almost all the way up the thigh. Surely he'd noticed. In my not-quite-drunken haze, and maybe some of that now-familiar ugly bitterness, it wasn't that hard to convince myself that Kile wanted me, that there was something more than friendship taking up space between us.

I already knew I wanted him. This was what we did. Sure, I had let Kile go, but it was so easy for us to pick up where we left off; I hadn't forgotten the way he could light me up with a kiss. Why wouldn't we go back to doing what we did best?

During the Selection, Kile was my distraction. He had this incredible gift for stopping my brain with his mouth. On the night of the wedding, lonely and tangled and more than a little bit drunk, that kind of distraction was exactly what I wanted.

I pulled him away from the rest of the party, to the fountain. Kile wasn't as far gone as I was, but I wouldn't use the word sober, either. He was at that stage where everything was funny, and god, I loved the way he laughed.

I couldn't stand to just think about it any longer. Seeing stars even with my eyes closed, I pulled him in and kissed him, rough and messy but so right. In that moment, I didn't just want him for the night—I loved him, wanted to keep him forever and take back what was mine.

Then Kile pulled back. Come to my room died in my throat. I didn't know what I'd been expecting, but it wasn't this. Kile looked like he was going to throw up. "Oh, Eadlyn…"

Fuck.

I thought too highly of myself, apparently—how else had I convinced myself he was carrying a torch for me, all these years later?—but you could rest assured that would never be a problem again, because when Kile looked physically ill after kissing me, I felt like the ugliest, most pathetic princess the world had ever seen.

I felt sick too. Heart pounding, shame prickling at my skin, every single thing about me suddenly seeming way too much. I barely heard Kile, gentle and fair but entirely incapable of saying anything that would make me feel better.

He didn't mean to give me the wrong idea. He had a girlfriend back home. She couldn't get off work to come to the wedding, but she was really nice. Her name was Alice.

§

"Eady." Kile's voice brought me back to the present—an equally unpleasant place to be, once again brought on by my inability to keep my mouth shut. "I tried to tell you earlier. Alice and I broke up."

Oh.

That changed…nothing.

Still, I had to ask. "Was it because of me?"

I'd already labeled myself pathetic, bitter, and the worst person in the world all in one day. I did not need to add homewrecker to that list.

Kile shook his head. "No, we were doomed from the start. I may have realized that at the exact moment you kissed me, but that doesn't make it your fault."

My heart jumped; I wasn't sure why. This was hardly good news. Really, this was just one more thing I'd been wrong about.

Awkward silence followed; he jumped to fill it. "Eadlyn, can't we just be honest with each other? What were you really thinking, that night by the fountain?"

Being honest didn't come that easily to me. I was the queen; I had an image to maintain, and lying was what made that possible. That image and need for perfection was exactly why the initial rejection had hit me like a punch. Still, I gave it my best. "I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to kiss you."

There were a number of others things I could have said, but when you considered how drunk I'd been, that was probably the most true. I love you and want to keep you forever was just a fluke; Kile and I had never been like that.

He remained unreadable. There was an intensity to his gaze that had to mean something, but I wasn't about to make any guesses. The incident had a negative impact on my ability to trust my own judgment; I still hadn't entirely recovered. "What about right now?"

That was easier. Heartbeat picking up, I told the truth. "I want to kiss you."

Turns out, there was one thing I'd been right about the whole time.

It was so easy to fall back in.