Buried Beneath ch25: Disconsolate

Normandy, 2185, October 29th 10:27 AM

I stare up at the spacelight, watching the stars go by. A sigh escapes me, I wasn't expecting to feel this miserable. It's only been, what, two months? How can that be enough time to feel so… deeply for someone? This sucks.

The sound of the bedroom door opening draws my attention. Footsteps approach, slow but deliberate. I don't look up. "Riles, can you just give me a minute?"

The footsteps pause at the top of the stairs. "I'm not waiting that long."

I know that voice. I shoot up, sitting upright on the couch. "Jack?"

She's standing there with a smirk. "What's up, sunshine? Thought I'd check on you."

I blink. "Why?"

"It's been over a week." She shrugs as she heads down the stairs. "Figured we were overdue for a talk."

I nod, gesturing to the seat across from me. "Sit down."

Jack glances around the room as she strolls over. "So this is where you and Shepard sleep?" She turns back to me, her smirk widening. "If you weren't banging the cheerleader, I would've thought you two were."

My jaw drops. "What?"

She just shrugs again, completely unfazed. "You know, since she lets you stay here for no-"

"Not that." I shake my head, cutting her off. "You knew?"

"Not at first," she admits, dropping into the seat across from me. "But I figured it out. When no one was around, I went to check on you in the med bay. Saw you through the window with her."

"Oh." That explains her attitude that day. I glance away, guilt creeping in. "I should've told you."

"I get why you didn't." Jack leans back, placing her hands behind her head. "I like you, Vex. You're all right. But this kind of thing? Makes it hard to trust you."

"I know." I let out a sigh. There's no point in holding back now. "I didn't even like her when we met. At first, it was just physical. Then it got more complicated. I started to feel something for her, but…" My voice falters as that familiar lump rises in my throat. "She's too loyal to Cerberus… I can't get past that."

Jack watches me for a moment, her expression blank. "Okay."

I-what? "Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." She stands up and stretches. "I hate the whole cheerleader thing and I was pretty pissed at you, but I know you're not with Cerberus. That's enough for me." She smirks, tilting her head. "Now, let's get drunk on the Citadel. You'll forget all about her."

"That's still days away," I point out, raising an eyebrow.

She waves a hand dismissively. "Details. Besides, there's no alcohol left on the ship."

"I noticed," I mutter, leaning back against the couch.

"Sorry about that." She gives me a cheeky grin. "Later." She heads for the door but pauses at the top of the stairs, glancing back over her shoulder. Her smirk softens. "It'll be okay, Vex."

Before I can respond, she's gone, the door sliding shut behind her.

I look up at the stars again. I hope she's right.

Normandy, 2185, October 30th 5:42 AM

I collapse onto the floor, my chest heaving as I stare up at the ceiling. Sweat drips down the side of my face, my hair clinging to my skin in damp strands. I try to calm my breathing, but my heart is pounding.

Riley steps into view, arms crossed and an amused smirk on her face. "You need help?"

"No… I'm good," I manage between gulps of air, waving her off weakly. "Just.. need a… break."

"You only did…" She tilts her head, pausing to tap her chin like she's counting. "Twelve sit-ups."

"What about…" I drag my arm across my forehead to wipe the sweat. "All the stuff before?"

She drops beside me, leaning back on her hands. "Stuff like what? You barely did anything."

"I…" I glare at her, but it's half-hearted at best.

She smiles and meets my eyes. "How are you feeling?"

I give her a thumbs up. "Fantastic. Never better."

She smacks my leg. "I'm being serious, Vex."

Sighing, I push myself up, leaning my elbows on my knees. "I don't trust her. It's as simple as that."

She nods. "I get it. I'm here if you ever need to talk."

"What I need is a drink." I force a smirk, trying to lighten the mood. "When are we getting to the Citadel?"

"Tomorrow," she says, narrowing her eyes at me. "And we're going because Thane asked me to, not for you to get drunk."

"What do you mean?" I raise a brow. "Maybe I just want to keep busy."

"You can keep yourself busy in the armoury today," she replies dryly, standing and brushing herself off.

What? "I'm not scheduled to-"

"You are now." She holds out a hand.

I roll my eyes but take her hand, letting her pull me to my feet. "Fine."

"Good." She smiles again, stepping back. "Now let's finish training. No more slacking, Ward."

Groaning dramatically, I follow her lead. If nothing else, it's at least a good distraction. For now.

Normandy, 2185, October 30th 11:06 AM

I place my tools down, staring at Zaeed's mattock lying on the table. Shaking my head, I try to clear my thoughts and focus on the weapon. This… isn't working.

Leaning back, I rest my hands behind my head. Come on, Vex. Get a hold of yourself. It wasn't serious… it wasn't.

"Are you okay?" Jacob asks, gaining my attention.

I glance over my shoulder as he steps into the room. "Yeah, I'm good, boss." I wish people would stop asking me that.

He raises an eyebrow but doesn't respond right away. Instead, he grabs the chair across from me and sits down. "Listen, Vex." His tone is cautious as his eyes meet mine. "I know Miranda can be a lot to deal with."

What the? I blink at him. "What do you mean?"

"Something you said after Aeia made me curious," he admits with a shrug, leaning back in his chair. "So I started paying attention."

I straighten up, watching him carefully. "How? What do you know? Why-why didn't you say anything?"

"Slow down." He holds his hands up defensively, a small smirk tugging at his lips. "I've known Miranda for a long time. It wasn't hard to see. She likes you, Vex. A lot. And as for why I didn't say anything… well, it's none of my business."

'She likes you.' I don't want to hear that. I exhale, placing my elbow on the table and leaning my forehead in my palm. "We aren't together anymore."

Jacob nods, gesturing towards me. "I figured as much. Given all of… this."

"All of what?" I glance down at myself. I look fine.

He lets out a chuckle. "You've been sitting here sighing and barely working all morning. It's not like you."

I-I can't argue with that. "I'm just having trouble concentrating."

Jacob rests his elbows on the table. "I get it. It's hard, especially when it comes to her."

That gets my attention. I almost forgot. "You said you two were together once?"

"Yeah," he admits after a pause. "And I can guess what went wrong. Miranda has this way of pulling you in, only to close herself off the moment things get too real."

"No, that's not it." I shake my head, my jaw tightening. "I can't trust her."

Jacob nods slowly like that wasn't a surprise. "That's another thing. Miranda's loyal to a fault. She's good at convincing herself that Cerberus is right, even when she knows better deep down."

I look at him, frowning. "Do you think she can change?"

He hesitates, rubbing the back of his neck. "Honestly? I don't know. She made her choice, and Miranda's not the type to second-guess herself easily. Change… that's something only she can decide to do."

Glancing down, I fidget with the tool on the table. "I still care about her."

"That doesn't go away overnight," Jacob says gently. "But it doesn't mean you were wrong to end things. You're allowed to want someone you can trust, Vex."

I nod slowly, his words sinking in. "So… what now?"

He brings a hand to his chin like he's thinking. "Now? You focus on what keeps you steady. Work, friends, anything that grounds you. When you're ready, you'll move on. There's no timeline for that. Don't rush yourself."

Sighing, I pick my tool up again. Modding this mattock doesn't seem so daunting now. "Thanks, Jacob."

"Anytime." He stands, patting my shoulder as he passes. "Oh, and Vex?"

I glance up at him. "Yeah?"

He smiles. "You'll get through it. Don't let this keep you down for too long."

As he leaves the room, I sit a little straighter, feeling a bit better now. Maybe he's right.

The Citadel, 2185, October 31st 9:47 AM

"I've never been to the Citadel before," Jack says, leaning against the dock railing, her eyes scanning the wards above us. It reminds me of myself during my first time here.

We're still limited to the docking area and shops, but at least there's a bar. The same one I went to the first time I came here… to avoid Miranda. It's funny how history has a way of repeating itself.

Sighing, I hang back a few feet, hands shoved into my pockets. "I don't know why you wanted to come out this early."

Jack glances at me, her face neutral. "To drink?"

I arch an eyebrow. "It's a little early for that, isn't it?"

"Hardly." She rolls her eyes, pushing off the railing and stepping closer. "We're not here on some mission, Vex. It's shore leave. Lighten up."

She… has a point. "All right, fine. Let's go."

"Nice." Jack grins, slapping me on the shoulder. "Knew you could still have fun."

As she walks off, I stare at her. Did she just imply I couldn't have fun? Why?

I catch up, frowning. "What does that mean?"

She shrugs casually, not even bothering to look at me. "It means you stopped drinking for a while there. Don't think I didn't notice."

She's not wrong. I didn't feel the need to when I was with her… and honestly, I preferred it that way. But now? Now I'm not so sure.

Entering the security corridor, I spot Riley up ahead, Thane beside her. They're having a conversation, and something about the way they're talking makes me curious. Riley wouldn't tell me why Thane wanted to come to the Citadel, but I guess it's none of my business.

Soon, it's our turn, and the guard waves us through after a quick scan. "You're clear. Enjoy your visit."

As we step into the shopping district, Jack looks around, taking in the crowds and storefronts. Her expression goes from excitement to disappointment.

"I wasn't expecting castle levels of fancy," she mutters, "but I expected more than this."

I cross my arms, smirking. "Castle levels?"

Jack turns, narrowing her eyes at me. "Like you can talk."

"Okay, okay." I hold my arms up defensively. "The bar's on the next floor up."

She perks up immediately. "See? That's the best thing you've said all day." She starts in the wrong direction, pauses, and comes back to me. "Uh… you lead the way."

Shaking my head, I take the lead, weaving through the crowds until we find the stairs. As we reach the top, I spot Archangel walking towards us.

"Great," I say under my breath.

"Garrus," Jack says, approaching him before I can stop her.

I want to sink into the ground. Why is he here?

He stops in front of us, looking from Jack to me. "Jack. Vex."

Jack steps closer to him, completely ignoring my glare. "We're headed for the Dark Star. Want to come?"

What the fuck is she doing?

"I'll have to pass." His mandibles twitch slightly as his eyes shift to me for a moment. "I've got somewhere to be. But you two enjoy yourselves."

Jack nods. "All good. Maybe next time."

"I'll hold you to that." Archangel steps between us, heading down the stairs without looking back.

As soon as he's out of earshot, I turn to Jack. "What the hell was that?"

"What?" She shrugs like it's no big deal. "He's not so bad."

"Not so bad?" My voice rises before I can stop it. "He killed my friend!"

Jack pauses, tilting her head. "You've killed a lot of people."

I grit my teeth, anger bubbling in my chest. "That doesn't mean he deserved to die."

She crosses her arms, seeming unfazed. "Doesn't mean he didn't, either."

Turning away, I swallow the lump in my throat. The memories flood back… the shot, the blood, the way Nulan fell to the floor. "You don't get it."

Jack steps in front of me, blocking my path. "Then make me get it."

I hesitate, clenching my fists. "Nulan was… he was part of Eclipse. Archangel was targeting gang members, and I was there to stop him. But Nulan, he-he wasn't supposed to die."

Jack frowns but stays quiet, waiting.

"I tried to get him out. I broke in, took him out of his office, and tried to help him escape. If I hadn't-" My voice cracks, and I glance away. "If I hadn't done that, he'd still be alive. Backup would've arrived in time."

I take a step back. I've never admitted it out loud before. I let my ego get in the way-I wanted to outsmart Archangel, to be the big damn hero. And Nulan… Nulan paid the price.

Jack nods after a moment, her arms still crossed. "So you think it's your fault?"

"It is my fault!" I snap without thinking. "I thought I was helping him, but I just made it easier for Archangel to kill him."

Jack studies me for a few seconds. "Okay, let's say you're right. Let's say you screwed it up, and Nulan died because of you."

Her bluntness makes me flinch, but I gesture for her to keep going.

Her gaze meets mine. "Then what's the point of holding onto this grudge? Whether it's Garrus' fault or yours, it won't bring your friend back."

I look away again. "No, it won't. But that doesn't mean Archangel gets a pass."

"It's not about giving him a pass." Jack rolls her eyes. "You've killed people just like Garrus. You're just pissed because you feel like you failed your friend." Her voice softens, just a bit. "Carrying that around? It's only gonna fuck you up."

My nails dig into my palms as I glance at the ground. "So what? You're saying I should… forgive him?"

"Hell no," she scoffs. "Forgiveness is bullshit. You don't see me forgiving Cerberus. I'm just saying maybe it's time to cut him some slack. Not for him… for yourself."

I don't say anything. I just stand there letting her words sink in. Could I let this go? For me? I-I don't know. "I'll… try."

"That's the spirit." Jack steps back, giving me space. "Come on. Let's get that drink. You look like you need it."

I couldn't agree more.

The Citadel, 2185, October 31st 10:21 AM

The Dark Star Lounge is buzzing with life. The music pounds and I can feel the bass in my chest. Neon swirls across the ceiling in patterns, casting lights over the crowd. Voices blend, making it hard to hear. It's overwhelming, and yet, it's not enough to drown out my thoughts.

As if dealing with Miranda wasn't enough, now I've got Archangel in my head, too. This day is fucked, and somehow, I doubt alcohol is going to make it better.

Jack slips through the crowd, colours washing over her tattoos as she approaches our table. Without a word, she slides a glass of something bright blue in front of me and drops into her seat.

"Drink up," she says, already taking a sip from her glass. "I'm only paying for the first one."

I pull the glass closer, eyeing it suspiciously. "I told you I'd pay."

She waves me off. "Shut up. I'm buying you at least one."

With a shrug, I lift the glass. "Fuck it." The first sip burns like fire down my throat, and I wince. "That's disgusting."

Jack lets out a laugh. "Yeah, I asked for their strongest shit."

"I can tell." I grimace, forcing another sip down before setting the glass back on the table. "So… how's the search going?"

Her expression darkens, and she slams her empty glass onto the table. "Don't fucking remind me. Feels like I'll never find it."

"You will." I meet her eyes. "And whatever this place is, you know you can count on me to help."

Jack looks away but nods. "Yeah, Vex. I know."

Reaching across the table, I rest a hand on her shoulder. "That's what friends are for."

For a moment, Jack hesitates, looking as if she wants to say something. Then she shakes her head and smirks. "You know what we need? Shots."

Before I can respond, she's already on her feet, disappearing back into the crowd.

I lean back in my seat, watching her go. That was… weird.

Normandy, 2185, October 31st 5:55 PM

Water drips down my chin as I down the last of the bottle, but it does little to help the unease in my stomach. I drop the empty bottle onto the table, slumping into the couch. Deep breaths. Just relax. Don't think about throwing up.

The sound of the door opening grabs my attention. I straighten up, trying, and probably failing, to look normal as Riley appears at the top of the stairs. Her eyes land on me immediately, a curious tilt to her head that makes my stomach twist in a whole new way. Fuck. She knows.

Her expression shifts to disapproval as she walks down the steps. "How much did you drink?"

I scowl, attempting to stay upright. "I don't really keep count."

She sighs, shaking her head as she takes a seat on her bed. "I regret restocking the ship."

I snort, reaching for another bottle of water. "I didn't ask you to."

Ignoring me, she leans forward, an indication she's going to say something serious. "I need you to come with me tomorrow."

I blink at her. "Uh… why?"

"There's someone I want you to meet," she says, her face softening. "Someone I look up to."

Well, that makes me feel nervous. I should say no. But… It's important to her. How can I say that?

"Yeah, okay," I say, giving a small nod. "I can do that."

She smiles, and for a moment, the nausea fades. "Thanks, Vex. This means a lot."

"Don't worry about it." I wave her off, not wanting to talk about it more. "How'd it go with Thane, anyway?"

Her expression tightens just enough for me to notice. "He… needed some help with his son."

"And that's all I'm getting?" I raise an eyebrow, though I already know the answer.

"That's all you're getting," she replies with a shrug. "If he wants to share more, he will."

"No, that's okay." I twist open the cap of my second water bottle. "I need to stay out of people's business anyway."

"That's probably a good idea." Riley chuckles, lightening the mood a bit. "Get some rest. I've got preparations to handle before we head out tomorrow."

She stands and heads for the door. I give her a lazy salute as she passes, and she rolls her eyes with a smile.

The Citadel, 2185, November 1st 8:13 AM

Riley doesn't say much as we make our way to a quieter part of the Presidium. I really want to explore. But sadly, Riley made it pretty clear we're not here to look around.

We stop in front of a sleek-looking door. Riley hesitates, taking a deep breath before knocking. It slides open, revealing a man standing with his back to us, gazing out at a cool-looking view.

"Anderson," Riley says, stepping inside.

He turns, and even from a glance, I can tell this man has seen things. His expression is warm despite the stern lines on his face. But, the Alliance uniform makes me feel even more nervous.

"This the one you wanted me to meet?" he asks, sounding curious as he looks between us.

Riley nods. "Vexenna Ward. Sniper. She's good in a fight… a little stubborn though."

I stiffen. Why would she say that?

Anderson chuckles, stepping closer to extend a hand. "Admiral David Anderson. Shepard speaks highly of you."

I shake his hand firmly. "I'm Vex."

He studies me briefly, and I feel like I'm being assessed. "Shepard tells me you've been working in your ship's armoury. Sounds like you know your stuff."

I… was not expecting that. "Yes, uh-sir."

Riley groans softly, and I smile to myself.

Anderson just smiles. "I can't make any promises, but I might be able to pull some strings and find you a place in the Alliance when your mission is over. We could always use skilled weapon techs."

My stomach drops. A job? In the Alliance? That explains why I'm here. "That's a lot to take in."

"You don't have to decide now," he assures me, stepping back. "Nothing is set in stone. But Shepard will keep me in the loop, and we'll go from there."

I nod. "Thank you-"

"You can just call me Anderson," he interrupts with a smile.

"Anderson," I repeat with a small smile of my own. "I appreciate it."

Riley steps up, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Good job." She turns back to Anderson, giving him a serious look. "Sorry, we can't stay."

He raises a hand. "I understand. Take care of yourselves out there. Both of you."

"Thanks, Anderson." Riley gives him a salute before leading me back out.

As we head down the corridor, I glance at her. "A job? Really?"

She shrugs, a grin on her lips. "I want you to have options after all this. If you survive, you deserve to do something you're proud of."

That's… kind of sweet. "Thanks, Riles."

She punches my arm lightly. "Don't worry about it."

We round a corner toward the elevator when Riley stops abruptly. Following her gaze, I spot Archangel lounging against a wall, arms crossed. Great, him again.

"Shepard," he says, straightening as we approach. His eyes flick to me briefly before returning to Riley.

"Garrus." Riley meets his eyes. "What's going on?"

He hesitates, glancing between us. "I need your help."

"Of course." Riley doesn't even hesitate. "What do you need?"

He glances at me again, his voice lowering. "This is personal, Shepard. I didn't mean for it to involve anyone else."

I scowl. "If you have something to say, just say it."

He ignores me, focusing on Riley. "This doesn't concern her, Shepard."

Riley looks between us, her expression thoughtful, like she's weighing her options before giving a short nod. "I understand. Let's go back to the Normandy and talk."

"Thank you." He looks at me one last time. "It's nothing personal, Vex."

As they turn to leave, my jaw clenches. I want to know what he's up to. I cross my arms, debating for all of three seconds before my decision is made.

So much for staying out of people's business.

Thank you for reading.