**Chapter 53**
**Aria's POV**
"Pizza is on the way." Spencer said as she hung up her phone, moving from the kitchen island over to the couch.
My phone had gone off, a text message drawing my attention from Spencer's assurance that the pizza would be all veggie, with lots of mushrooms.
Jason: I'm gonna be out of contact for a few days. Stay safe.
I frowned, reading the message. Jason hadn't gone out of contact before. I didn't want to call it AWOL, that wasn't right. He had always been available, and it felt so strange that he was going to not be there. But it's not like he was just disappearing off the face of the earth without telling me. No morning coffee though. It felt so wrong to think about that, rubbing against my chest the wrong way. Especially since I felt so certain it was related to the meeting that we had all had.
Aria: Are you okay? What happened?
I was worried about him. Worried about the fact that he was just disappearing like this. Even if he was letting me know ahead of time.
"Aria, you okay?" Spencer asked, drawing my attention back to her and away from my phone.
"Yeah, just a weird message from Jason." I assured, trying to dismiss my concern and focus back in on the moment.
"Is something going on?" she asked, sitting down on the couch across from me, legs folding up to curl on the couch. Her face had grown serious, brown eyes shining with worry beneath her furrowed brows. And her mouth turned down at the edges.
Another alert came through on my phone, drawing my eyes back down to it. There was a new message from Jason.
Jason: Nothing for you to worry about. Just need a little space away from the family.
I could feel my frown deepening at his message, did he mean his family or away from me? My heart tightened in my chest. This wasn't about me. I should know that. Something else could have happened that I didn't know about. Jason had his own life and priorities that didn't involve me in any way. Still it scared me.
Jason: Take care of yourself. I'll be home soon.
I breathed a sigh of relief, he at least was still willing and planning to come back. That made me a feel a little better. Whatever had happened today, whether it had to do with me or not, it wasn't over.
Aria: See you Friday for our movie marathon?
"Aria?" Spencer prompted again, worry seeping into her tone. Jason was her brother and she was more than justified in her worry over him. Especially since I hadn't said anything.
"He's fine. Just gonna be out of contact for a few days apparently." I reassured, tilting my phone in my hand as though justifying the distraction.
Spencer gave a little nod, accepting but clearly still worried. I offered her a bright smile, trying to reassure her about it. "So what's on the pizza?"
"I knew you weren't listening." she responded with a fond roll of her eyes.
It all felt so normal, and reassuring. Like things were before the dollhouse. I reached out, nudging her knee with mine. A comfortable move to connect.
"Thank you, for inviting me over tonight."
She leaned her leg further into mine, increasing our contact. "Of course, I thought maybe you could use a safe place to sleep tonight. Do something about the bags under your eyes."
"And what are we doing about the bags under your eyes. Meetings not helping?" I ventured, trying to see where she was at with things.
"I haven't been going, so that'd be a no." she answered, tilting her head to look at me with my raised eyebrow, prompting her to continue. "Not since Dean cut me off."
"Cut you off? What did he do that for? I thought he was on the Spencer train." I tried not to let too much teasing sound in my voice. Spencer had admitted that he had been into her before he left, which probably made his role as her sponsor a little awkward.
"Which appears to be the problem." she replied, leaning back against the couch.
"Did he make another move on you?"
I could hear the way that my tone unintentionally sharpened in her defense. That was so not okay. Spencer had gone to him for help, well after her parents had called him in. But it seemed like he was trying to take advantage of the trust that she held in him. My stomach turned a little at the thought.
"No, but he said he wanted to. Which is why he can't see me anymore." Spencer reassured, soothing my anger on her behalf quickly.
"So you don't have a sponsor now?" I got us back to the core of the issue, circling back to her needs.
"No, and I probably need to find a new group to go to for support. Don't want to make things too awkward there." She gave a little shrug of her shoulders, a classic Spencer dismissal.
"So we need to find you a new group then." I assured, gently offering my support. If she needed help with this, she had to know I was here for her.
"I've found a few that look pretty promising. Though it will still be a drive into Philly." she responded, of course she had already been looking into it. She nudged my knee back in quiet appreciation of the support.
"Let me know if you need a buddy." I offered. "Happy to drive into Philly with you."
"Thanks." she smiled at me, relief apparent in her tone. "So what're you up for tonight? Movie with our pizza? Mani-pedis? Or do you need to actually do some studying tonight?"
"Let's go with the movie. I've got plenty of time to work on stuff tomorrow." I liked Spencer when she wasn't in study mode, it meant she relaxed more, rather than the way that her shoulders tightened under all the pressure even when she studied alone.
"Right, lucky you. Getting to stay around home all day and make up your assignments." She responded, leaning back against her arm of the couch and letting her legs straighten out into my legs.
"Hey, I'm sure the school would let you stay home and work through it all on your own too if you asked." I teased back, knowing that Spencer did enjoy the environment of a classroom.
"The school, yes. My parents, no." she corrected.
I could feel my heart drop as she said it. The ease broken as reality broke back through. Staying home and doing her work like a hermit was hardly something that would pass in the Hastings household. It would be like admitting weakness. And that wasn't something that Spencer's family had ever been comfortable with.
"Right. Speaking of, where are they tonight?" I conceded. "I thought you mentioned that your mom was helping with your sleeping issues."
Her mouth pressed together in something of a sardonic smile, not reassuring at all. And she nodded her head a little. "Yep, she was. But she's got a deposition first thing tomorrow in New York. And my dad is still on his conference trip. So I've got the place to myself."
"Then I'm glad I'm here tonight." I comforted, dropping my hand to rest against her lower legs. "Any movie preferences? Subtitles or no?"
"No subtitles tonight." she answered,as the doorbell sounded. "Anything else is fine. You pick."
She tossed the remote from the coffee table towards me as she got up from the couch, heading towards the pizza. I immediately switched to the streaming classic movies, since Spencer was one of the only ones willing to sit through old movies with me. I scrolled through the screen, eyed Casablanca, before deciding that I really wasn't in the mood for a romance story. There were a few more that I dismissed off-hand, before settling on one that I didn't think either of us had watched before. Spencer wandered back into the kitchen with the scent of hot pizza drifting after her, as I was about ready to press play.
"What'd you decide on?" She asked before glancing up and seeing the screen show The Birds. "Nice, haven't seen that yet. You sure it wont be too scary for you?"
"I think I can handle some crazy bird antics, you?" I answered back to her teasing.
"Hitchcock might be the master of suspense, but he's got nothing on A." she grabbed a couple of plates from the cabinet, as I moved to the fridge. "Can you grab me some water?"
"Of course not, Hitchcock played to the masses." I let the comparison go unspoken, that A, that Charles, had a direct line to all our fears.
I passed her the glass of water, the unspoken clear in my glance at her. The rueful smirk was gone from her face as she accepted it. Before grabbing her plate and heading towards the couch. The pizza was appropriately covered in veggies, without any meat in sight. She had even ensured that they put on spinach, which would help with my iron. I dimmed the light while she started the movie, and then curled up on the couch, tangling my legs with hers while we watched Tippi Hedren get unfairly harassed by birds.
It was comfortable and familiar. The quiet night in just what I needed tonight. Settling my anxieties around how the talk with all the girls had gone today at least a little. I glanced over to Spencer once I had finished eating and put my plate down on the coffee table. She was tenacious and barreled after answers like a woman possessed most of the time. But she was also great at just being solidly there, a reassuring presence that we were together and things would be okay somehow. I smiled as I snuggled down into the couch a little, turning my attention back to the movie.
"Did you know that apparently Hitchcock tied live birds to her and had them attack her?" Spencer asked me as the credits rolled, getting up from the couch to turn the lights on.
"I knew that old directors tended to abuse their actors but that seems a bit much." I answered, stretching from my curled position and giving a little yawn.
"Yeah, that seems a little extreme, even for old Hollywood." Spencer returned, grabbing the plates from the coffee table, while I gathered the cups. "You ready for bed?"
I nodded, rinsing the glasses before putting them in the dishwasher, then moving out of the way for Spencer to handle the others. "Haven't been sleeping super well. Your room?"
"Head on up. I'll make sure everythings closed up and meet you there." she agreed with a nod, finishing the dishes.
My overnight bag was already upstairs in her room, with a set of pajamas and change of clothes for the morning, so I wouldn't have to do the walk of shame again tomorrow. Along with my medications. The vitamins were something that I didn't want to miss, nor the anti-nausea meds that I could take my next dose of before bed. I gathered my pajamas, toothbrush, and pills from my bag before heading to the bathroom to change. Even though it was Spencer's house and not mine, it still felt safer to change there. And I didn't feel right about locking Spencer out of her own room just so I could change. I quickly braided my hair in two french braids against the sides of my head, hoping that would keep it fairly tangle free for the next day as I grabbed a couple hair ties from the drawer.
Spencer was in her room, grabbing her pajamas by the time I finished. She moved into the bathroom after me, closing the door before I heard the sound of water running. Instead of moving straight to the bed, I went to the window seat, looking out at Ali and Jason's house next door. There were cops visible from here, supposedly a protection for us. But tonight it felt more like they were just scrutinizing us. They were so fixated on our movements, that they missed things. And I knew that when it came down to it, they wouldn't actually be able to protect us. It turned my stomach to think about it. Especially the idea that Spencer would have been alone in the house with the threat still out there.
"Ready?" her voice sounded from the door, hand hovering over the lightswitch.
"Yep." I moved from the window seat over to the side of the bed closest to me, it was my unspoken side whenever we did this.
The bed creaked and shifted as we both settled under the covers, the multitude of pillows on her bed perfect for multiple people, and the comforter was thick and warm. Probably warmer than she normally kept on her bed this late in the year. But the weight was reassuring, so I didn't question as I settled down, rolling to face her in the darkness.
"Thank you again for having me over tonight." I had to voice it, it felt so important that we were together tonight and that she understand just how much I appreciated her.
"Of course, I'll be here. No matter what else happens." she promised, her hand finding mine in the darkness.
Her fingers were smaller and lighter than other hands that I had felt in the dark recently, safely twining with my own. They were also a little drier than expected, likely due to the fact that she was always reading and it dried her hands out a little, leaving cracks at her fingertips. It made her touch unique and distinctive.
"Spencer?" I asked into the darkened room, testing that she was still awake. She gave a little noise of acknowledgement. "When did you figure it out?"
"Figure what out?" she asked, voice slower than usual, she was starting to drift off to sleep.
"What Charles did." I clarified.
There was a heavy moment of silence, the only noises our breath and the hum of the air system in the house. I wondered for a moment if she wouldn't tell me. Or admit to having figured it out ahead of my admission today. But her behavior had made it totally clear that she knew before today. She had stopped pressing, and even gotten the others to give me a little space. And if that wasn't Spencer's tell that she had an answer than I didn't know her at all.
"When you were so insistent that Charles was a dude." she finally answered after a moment. "I had my suspicions before, but you were so sure even when we had a picture proving otherwise."
It was a fair call out, that my behavior up to that point had given her the answer clear enough. But it felt out of character that she hadn't said anything. Spencer kept secrets all right, but she usually shared her theories with someone. And given the reactions of the others today, she hadn't shared with any of them.
"Why didn't you say anything?" I couldn't help asking.
"Why didn't you?" her tone wasn't sharp or accusing, instead it was calm. "I figured it was something you weren't ready to talk about. So I wanted to give you your space."
"Thank you." it was a whisper in the darkness.
"Why didn't you tell us?" she asked after a moment. "I mean I get the not wanting to admit it happened. But you know you're safe with us, right?"
I took a deep breath, it was hard to put into words and the reasons felt like they kept changing. But it felt more like one excuse after another not to say anything.
"At first, it was because I thought I hurt you all in the dollhouse." I explained, wanting her to understand that it wasn't about being safe with them. "And while we were there, I rationalized it as my punishment for hurting you. But after we left, and I didn't see the bruises or marks on the rest of you, I was worried."
I paused for a moment, once I knew that we had only thought we hurt each other it had put us all on the same playing field again. Except that for some reason, Charles had come to my room each night. And I was the only one that he had come in and touched.
"We didn't talk about what happened. But I was worried it would feel like everything in the dollhouse was about me. And you would have to focus on what I was going through over your own issues."
"Have you thought about talking to someone professionally? There are groups you could go to." she offered.
"I don't really want to talk about it with anyone." I started before realizing. "Wait, have you been researching groups for me to attend?"
"It does help. I didn't think it would, but it's nice to talk with other people going through similar things as you." she tried to reassure.
"Look, I'm glad you care enough to do research for me. But I don't want to talk about it." I was trying not to get riled at all, we were trying to go to sleep. And I wanted to get some rest tonight, but it still bothered me.
"Why not? And don't give me the wanting to pretend it didn't happen. Cause I think we're past that." Spencer was soothing as she spoke, obviously sensing my agitation despite the dark room.
"Cause I don't want that to be all that I am." I spat.
The words hung in the air for a moment. The truth of it settling around me. It was what I had been trying to avoid. I didn't want to go to one of those groups, where everyone talks about being a survivor. Didn't want that part of what happened to take over my life.
"I don't want to be a survivor, Spence." I admitted into the dark. "I just wanna be Aria."
Her hands tightened around mine, reassuring me. "You are Aria. No matter what."
**End Chapter**
Hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what ya think.