Surviving as a Nobody in Naruto

by Corvid's Eclair

Being an OC without hax sucks balls. Makoto Hotaru, a mere noname background character stared to a certain swing, and gained sentience. Self aware that he is an OC with useless anime facts at his disposal, hilarity ensues. Like it or not, he will have to face The Plot against his will. Warning: AU as heck, OOC characters to the point of mockery. excessive X-overs and reference joke

5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Makoto Hotaru and the Power of Bullshit

"Makoto Hotaru, you are hereby to be transferred to Class 3-A. Congratulations!"

Mizuki, our esteemed homeroom teacher begin the class session with a bad news.

Everyone in class goes 'wow, Hotaru-kun is finally promoted and he got straight to A class! So amazing'.

I can feel the salt from Sasuke who sits behind me. Sasuke deserves to be promoted for so long so that's understandable. Politics is truly Sasuke's greatest enemy.

Everyone was clapping and stuff as they look at me expectantly.

To which, I give my ultimatum.

"I don't wanna"

The whole class comically fall over their face. Why?!! Being promoted is everyone's lifegoal in the Homicide Kiddos Academy. The higher the class rank, the better your education and training regiment and equipment get provided. The Konoha Caste System is the forefront of academic technology that produce world class ninjas that spit out high quality nukes. Who in the right mind would deny such coveted opportunity?

Le me. Fuck that shit. My plan is to graduate as a shitty incompetent career Genin and join the corrupt organization of Genin Police Force. I want to have an easy life just beating the shit out of petty criminals too weak to fight against my clearly undeserved Shinobi skills, and take my pension out after completing my mandatory service.

Like hell I going to join the Nepo Babies Squads and get sent to do bullshit C ranks that is secretly S rank missions and go into stupid suicide exam.

"Makoto, this isn't a choice. You are to be transferred immediately! Now pick up your bag and get out of here!"

Hmph. Fine. I'll get out alright.

))))))))))))))

Knock *knock

I tilted my head away from the drawing board where I drawing the manga version of Hansel and Gretel. The of Grimm Brothers version of course. I think. Was Hansel and Gretel a Grimm story?

Knock *knock

Hmm. Must be the wind

"Open up Hotaru. I know you're in there."

Ah shit. It's Sasuke.

Begrudgingly, I get up and open the door.

"Wut?"

Sasuke just fold his arms, unamused.

"You haven't gone to school for three days."

I grunt.

"Haven't you heard? I quit."

"No one quits the Academy, idiot. We're all forced draft."

"Well I'd be the first to quit them"

Sasuke facepalm in frustration.

"Look, Mizuki is willing to let things slide and just mark you sick for the past three days. But you gotta go to school tomorrow. This is no joke, Hotaru. They're going to lynch you as deserter if you keep this up."

"Don't worry Sasuke. This is all part of my master plan."

"Hotaru, I know you. You have no plans. You have the planning ability of a duck."

I chuckled ominously.

"that's exactly the plan. The Sitting Duck Maneuver. Now fuck off Sasuke. I'm busy."

Before he can retort, I slam the door to his face.

I keep hearing weird noises. Man, the day sure is windy today.

))))))))))))))

"So you are the kid Hiruzan kept yapping about. I don't see what is so special about you. You have no special kekkei genkai. No clan jutsu. And your chakra reserve is pathetic. Why does Hiruzan wants to promote you to A class straight from F class?"

Long story short, I got kidnapped into ROOT HQ.

Here I was just going to sleep as usual then zupp! I wake up to see myself in front of fucking Shimura Danzo.

Man, I really shoot myself in the foot this time.

"Maybe it's because I am BFF with his grandson."

"Grandson? I checked your files, child. I know you have never made contact with Konohamaru."

I gonna let it slide that Danzo somehow understand enuff brainrot lingo to know what BFF means.

Maybe I can ask Danzo to teach me how to speak Skibidi Toilet.

"I mean the other grandson."

"who?"

"you know, that Naruto kid? The one that go around calling the Hokage old gramps"

Shimura Danzo was about to retort before I visibly see his brain starts going overdrive thinking underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath

Yea you get my point. He so deep into the underneath he probably at the planet's core by now.

"OF COURSE! ITS ALL MAKE SENSE! THAT'S WHY MINATO IS SO POWERFUL AND GENIUS! THAT'S WHY HIRUZEN MAKE HIM HOKAGE! NAMIKAZE MINATO IS HIS SECRET LOVECHILD ALL ALONG! HIRUZEN YOU DAMNED GENIUS, YOU HAD BEEN TRICKING US ALL THAT HE IS A MERE CLANLESS BRAT THIS WHOLE TIME!"

Wow, Danzo just went full Anime Balls Deep level of theory crafting right there. Even I can't make up this bullshit. I knew I can count on ninjas overthinking schtick and eugenics ideology to surprise me.

"Thank you for bringing up this matter to me. Now, sorry to say, you need to die."

"I don't wanna."

"This isn't a negotiation brat. I can't have you tell Hiruzen I know his secret now, do I?"

I him to myself, putting my hands in the famed Shikamaru Thinking Pose.

"What are you doing?"

"shhhh, I'm thinking."

"You… You're a spy aren't you?!!"

"hmph. Tell me Danzo sama, do you know how the Nara Thinking Pose actually works?"

Danzo sneered.

"Its nothing more than just a silly pose."

"heh. Why did you think the Nara's are mad genius? The truth is, Nara Kekkei Genkai is Telepathic Networking. The reason we all have off the chart IQ is becoz our brains are all connected. The Nara Thinking Pose allow us to fully connect into the Nara Neural Network, boosting our already impressive IQ into godhood. Checkmate Danzo, you had made the mistake of inviting me into your house. I am now connected to the Nara Neural Network. We have you surrounded."

Danzo immediately draw out his kunai, intending to killing me.

"Ah ah aah. Remember, I am connected to the Neural Network. Currently, you are being broadcasted straight into the Hokage Office, through my associate, Nara Shikaku. You're on thin ice, Shimura Danzo."

"Lies! You are bluffing!"

"The Hokage just said this. Danzo is a coward that's too chicken to volunteer as bait, hence how I become Hokage, because I volunteered."

Danzo went pale. No one alive knows of that. Of his secret humiliation. Only Hiruzen knows. I have all but confirmed that I really have connected to the Nara Neural Network.

"The Hokage is willing to spare you for discovering his greatest secret. However, you are hereby banished. Retired, officially speaking. However, the Hokage appreciates your patriotic endeavors to protect Konoha from the Shadows. So he assigns you your last, perhaps greatest mission of your life. You must investigate this rumored mercenary group called The Akatsuki."

Danzo mulled this over, and finally resigned.

"Hiruzen. I accept this mission. The Root will provide for the Leaf."

I nod. I let go of my Nara pose, showing Danzo utter confidence.A ROOT agent the. Escort me out of the base. I found myself getting out of the manhole right in front of the Konoha DMV office.

Danzo that madman! No wonder no one figure out where he's hiding.

2 masked figure dropped right in front of me. Good. You really sell my image of being the Hokage secret agent.

Pfftt. Nara Neural Network? Gotta say I didn't expect I can came up of that bullshit on the spot. Perhaps I have talents in the fine arts of Genjutsu.

Paranoid genius ninjas man.

"Makoto Hotaru. The Hokage summons you."

I look at that totally Not Kakashi. I sigh. It seems it still in the middle of the night. I gonna be so sleepy tomorrow.