Chapter 38: The Rising of Makoto Heffner
Part 1: I shouldn't have married a high maintenance waifu
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(((Makoto Hotaru)))
Hai, hai, Makoto Hotaru des~
How long has it been since been since this fic get updated? Hmm… about a few weeks huh? Well, good for you, coz Nobody in Naruto is finally updating! Man I need a better short name.
SAANIN.
Surviving
As
A
Nobody
In
Naruto
Yep, that works. I totally planned that.
Anyway, enough ramblings!
As you had seen the arc title above, you may wonder,
The Rising of Makoto Heffner? Nani kore?
Well, let's just sit down by the porch of my Heffner Mansion and I shall regal y'all with the tale of how I become the number 1 hentai producer in Land of Fire.
It all begin sometime ago during the beginning of summer.
[Que flashback sfx]
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[7th of May, 0012 AK (After Kyuubi)]
"Hotaru, I want my own forest as my dowry."
I slurped the ramen I take away from Ichiraku. Konami and I are having ramen for dinner. Despite my best efforts, the bribe I'm taking from my corrupt cop job is not sustainable enough to support the dietary requirements of a ninja in puberty-induced growth spurt period as well as a ravenous third generation Hanyo Kitsune. Or Kitsune Hanyo. Fuck do I know, I never learn japanese grammar.
"Dowry? What dowry? Isn't this small manor I burned all my money to build for you is already enough for a dowry?"
Konami looked at me with a deadpan face. She tried to read my mind but found herself to be met with a constant replay of Baby Shark doo doo doo doo doo Baby Shark doo doo doo do doo song constantly blaring on the uppermost surface of my consciousness.
"Damn you, Hotaru! When did you learn to make mental barriers?!"
"Occlumency, my dear."
Yea, I spent the past week recovering the memories of my predecessor reading of Harry Potter fanfic and through adapting their fanfic bullshit, I learned Occlumency. Neat trick. There will be no more mindreaders going to barge into my head and learn my stupid thoughts.
I made over 50 layers of firewall to protect my mind. The first layer is constantly blaring Baby Shark song and as you breach further, the mental harassment I put through each wall grow worse and worse. One of them consist of constant bombardment of autistic incel meme compilation. Any mindwalkers especially from the Yamanaka clan will die from cringe before even reaching the depth of my mind.
Of course, like hell I will teach this new skill I made to the village. Fuck Konoha, really.
"I'll teach you Occlumency later. Not only the technique can defend you from mindwalkers, it also make you resistant if not outright immune to Genjutsu."
Like hell I'm letting Shisui brainwash my fox waifu somehow later. I'm still debating whether or not I wanna teach it to Naruto and Sasuke. The Raiju Brainwave is already a natural Occlumency barrier, so it's rather easy for me to modify and improve it into an actual psychic defense. I still figuring out over how to apply it to others.
Konami nodded as she accepts my offer. However, my attempt to distract her is totally not working.
"I still want my dowry though."
"Aren't we already married?"
"Culturally? Sure. But if you think you can get away from giving your first and main bride a real wedding ceremony then you will have to be careful when you asleep, Lord Makoto. I am not cheap."
Lord Makoto huh? Sounds nice.
"First and main bride? Daheck you're talking about? I wasn't planning to marry anyone else."
I mean, c'mon. I'm freaking 12. Building a harem is hardly my concern when I'm trying to figure out how to survive The Plot.
"I've seen how you look at that blind harlot.", she just shakes her head disapprovingly. "It is simply the nature of man to eventually desire other girls. Rather than being humiliated with my husband going around cheating behind my back, I rather take control and ensure them of who is the real leader of this household. You can take over a hundred concubines for all I care as long as my children are the only one that has the right for inheritance."
"Children? Wow, didn't know you like me so much to even do it often enough to have several children instead of one."
"Please.", Konami looks down on me imperiously. "I just need a few daughters to trade… I mean married away for political alliances."
I slurped the last pool of the ramen broth. "Big plan, huh? You know that I have no actual intention to be some kind of a bigshot, aren't you?"
"They say behind a great man there is a greater woman. So you better keep up, Makoto Hotaru. I told you before, I am not interested in a boring man.", she gestured to me a motion of slitting throat, implying that I will drop dead if I ever become a boring mediocre man of a husband.
Fucking honey trap. I knew it's suspicious The Plot just drop me a white haired fox waifu right into my lap. The Writer knows I am too unambitious of an MC OC, so he trapped me with an ambitious fox waifu to push me forward.
Personally, I don't like Rich Like Bruce Wayne trope. It take away one of the hindrance to the MC path, the Financial Issues. An MC that's just so bullshit rich he can just buy any solutions by just writing a check makes a dull storytelling.
Eh, whatever, I'm sure The Writer will be able to figure out how to balance my income. An MC that is too poor is also a nuisance to write around too.
Anyway, Konami is really being annoying right now, so I need to remind her who's the real dominant force in this household.
So I tackled her into bed and tickle her with great precision.
"hhahahhahah!!! Stahp!! Stahp!!! I hahhahah! Peeee!!! Peeee!!!!!"
I tickle her anyway. I did not regret getting the bed wet. As a reward, Konami bite me in the neck, which is deadly because she has actual fangs. As blood spurts out my carotid artery, I fell unconscious.
))))))))))
"Hotaru, just tell us. Konami is abusive isn't she? Just give me the signal and I'll take her out myself!"
I'm now in the hospital with bandages wrapped around my neck. According to Sasuke, I had been out for two days. I pretty would've died if not because Konami dragged my dying ass to Sasuke's house and told him to deal with me.
"No worries Naruto. If anything, I'm the abusive one here. Konami is predatory by nature so I need to keep her in line from time to time. This time she got one over me though. Not going to happen again."
"Marrying a youkai sounds like a hassle.", Sasuke presents me with his opinion.
"Suck to be you then, Sasuke. You got a Yuki Onna having the hots for you now.", Naruto then informs him.
Sasuke just replied to him snidely. "I had already rejected her. What can she do anyway?"
Naruto just chuckles darkly.
"Oh Sasuke. You have no idea what's coming to you."
Knowing how this bullshit fanfic works, I bet Haku plot will be merged with the Snow Country movie plot. And Sasuke will have the crisis of his lifetime as The Plot will force him to get paired with Haku somehow. This fanfic doesn't have enough Naruto and Sasuke involvement before, so I bet the Writer is cooking up some bullshit to make them more relevant. Afterall, this fanfic may be OC-centric, but the readers still want more OG character content too.
Just you wait, Sasuke. Once this arc is over, it will be your turn to suffer.
"Look, I'll handle Konami okay. Besides if she's really want me dead she wouldn't send me over to Sasuke to be saved."
Naruto nodded.
"I know my parents wants me to unify Youkai and Humanity, but I see now that just pairing up youkai and human can be dangerous. Thanks to you, Hotaru, I learn now there is risk involved with marrying a youkai. I need to do more research."
"Happy to help.", I replied to him.
Uzumaki Naruto, Matchmaker Expert. That's a fanfic spin off title if I seen one. I can't believe he still believe in that bullshit I which spout back then during the Mizuki Episode. He knows I never met either of them, right?
Welp, time to go back home. I have a sulking wife to suck up to.
))))))))))))
"Tadaima.", I announce my return to home with the most flat I can make.
Konami is ignoring my existence. She's reading……
Wait… fuck!!
I snatched away the manuscript for Princess Gale hentai doujin from her.
"Hey! I was reading that!"
"This is not for kids!", I warn her off.
"says the kid that draw explicit drawings for a blockbuster movie."
I picked up the other manuscripts on the floor. Tsunade the Legendary Sucker, Anko's Lecherous Adventures, Mabui; World Hottest Secretary, so on so on.
"I never thought of the idea that you can use a series of pictures as storytelling. Though, I think you can use your talent for more than just drawing famous kunoichis getting railed by,", she gestured quotations fingers, "…getting railed by the handsome and well hung Erokage, Makoto Heffner."
"Hmph.", I scoffed. "So what if I draw my own self insert? At least it's not some ugly bastard. Male anatomy erotism is part of the fanservice experience, you know?"
"Sure, it does looks better than the old ukiyoe pornography I found in my father's room. Traditional artistic value aside, fat old man doesn't inspire much to the loins, I'm afraid. Better to see tall male characters with abs."
Konami then picked up a manuscript. She has a greedy glint in her eyes. I can't help by patting her in the head on reflex. Shit, am I the one getting Pavloved this time? I can't just pat cute girls being cute on reflex.
"We should mass produce this and sell it! We will make a lot of money!"
"You know that I cant use normal chakra. I can't do Copy Paste no Jutsu anymore."
"Copy paste no Jutsu?"
"Its sorta a poorman Sharingan imitation technique, Rank D. Works with written content, or drawings in my case. Basically, it automatically moves your hand to copy a page that you are observing. Once you master it, you can copy this exact page.", I show her a page where a really complex artwork involving Tsunade getting railed by Makoto Heffner and his three other clones, "….copy this exact page in just a minute."
"Is that so?", Konami study the page intently. I don't know if it's just her being in business mode or she just has no reaction for such an vulgar and erotic page. "Why don't you just get some other ninja to perform Copy Paste no Jutsu for you?"
Huh, I never thought of that.
I caresses both of her cheeks.
"Man, my wife is very smart. Where were you all my life?"
"Hehe.", she wave her face slightly enjoying the caress. Fox waifu domestication is going smoothly. "Ah, I do have some feedback. Your works are fine and all but I think you can expand the market to the female gender as well."
Man. Never I would thought that I will bond with my wife over working on hentai doujin together.
)))))))))))))
"So, why are we here?", Kabuto wiped his glasses before we enter the territory of the strongest gang in the Konoha Ghetto.
"Well, you asked me about what kind of side hustle I'm gonna do right?", I passed a manuscript to Kabuto. As he flipped the pages, he sputters and coughed as he was surprised over the explicit content. He gave it back to me immediately and I put it back into my bagpack.
"That was…. Vulgar… But I do see that it will sell well."
"Yea, I know. I even get my wife to be my editor, so it's even more stimulating than when I was making it by myself."
Kabuto has the looks of impressed, appalled and dare I say, envy on his face. "You make pornographic drawings with you wife? I don't know what to say."
Yea, I know. A 12 years old couple that draw hentai doujins together? I don't know if that's wholesome or messed up.
"First of all, this format of porn is called Doujin. Second, I'm going to take over a gang to mass produce this."
"Takeover a gang?! You don't mean-!"
"Yes Kabuto. Its exactly what you think. I'm going to takeover the Fuma clan and you're going to help me.
Ladies and gentleman, we are going to conquer the world, one doujin at a time.
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(((A/N)))
I had never watch the Fuma clan filler. Fuck. Now I have to watch it just so that I know the characters.
I read some fic that used the filler, but I forgot what the plot is other than there's that orange hair chick and there's that black hair chick with cow-print trousers, I think. I also know that Fuma Clan actually live in Rice Country and is under Orochimaru control. But eh, who cares about Rice Country anyway, so in this fanfic, Fuma Clan lives in Konoha
Besides, Sasuke has to get his Fuma Shuriken from somewhere.