"I move through the world with the heartbroken,

my longings stay unspoken

I may never open up the way I did for you

and all of those best laid plans

You said I needed a brave man,

then proceeded to play him until I believed it too"

– The Black Dog, T.S.

Daryl

Rick and I returned to the pond where he left Sophia, some of her tracks still visible and proving that she had intended to aim for the highway. I followed them as far as I could, until they veered off course and we lost them through heavy, wooded brush. We'd even encountered a lone walker, killing and gutting it to check its stomach, just to determine that it had eaten a groundhog for lunch. After hours of searching, we had come up empty and it was starting to get dark.

"If I think I can't see shit now, I really won't be able to see shit soon," I commented to Rick, while still dutifully looking for any other signs. We'd been through this area already– if something were here, I would've found it. He sighed, rubbing a hand down his face.

"You're right. Let's head back."

I was dreading having to return empty handed, but worry was gnawing at me persistently enough for me to want to check on Mila. Before we'd left, she was visibly collapsing in on herself– a star rocketing toward implosion. She's blaming herself for not catching Sophia, and I know she won't give herself any credit for being the first one to go after her at all. I must be getting easy to read, because Rick took one look at me and got a knowing expression.

"You and Mila seem… close. Anything there?"

Are you serious? There's a missing little girl out here that we can't find and you want to have girl talk? Irritation bubbled up, the implication making me edgy and embarrassed– like everyone could tell I was drawn to her despite not having a chance in hell. Fucking fishbowl of a group.

"We're jus' friends."

I walked ahead of him, effectively ending the conversation. Just friends who spent the night together on the couch, just friends who have touched more in 24 hours than I've been touched in my whole life, just friends who are actively avoiding talking about the way I kissed her like a drowning man who needed to be saved.

I broke through the clearing and climbed the hill back to the RV, to find most of the group waiting for us. Glenn pointed us out first causing everyone to jump up. Well, almost everyone.

"Oh god, they're back."

"You didn't find her?!" Carol cried, mostly at Rick.

"We'll pick it back up at first light." He forced an air of calm, but I could tell it was eating him up. He wasn't the only one.

I tried to inconspicuously search around, but I didn't see her. She better not have fuckin' gone out there after I told her to stay here. After the day we'd had, exhaustion was starting to hit and my muscles ached. I'd still go drag her back, but I wouldn't be happy about it. Just as I was preparing to rally the energy I had left, familiar questioning eyes peered over the top of an SUV from where she was laying on the hood. I barely shook my head, probably imperceptible to anyone else, and watched her face drop before it disappeared again.

"You can't leave my daughter out there on her own to spend the night alone in the woods!"

Rick was getting his ass handed to him by Carol, so I decided to speak up on his behalf.

"Out in the dark's no good. We'd just be trippin' over ourselves. More people would get lost." Not to mention, we needed sleep. Food. Water. This had turned into a marathon, we couldn't treat it like a sprint.

I hardly registered Rick trying to talk down Carol by explaining where we looked and the plan for tomorrow. My mind kept wandering, burnt out from the hours of nonstop focus and long day. I wanted to clean up and hop up on that SUV's hood, but didn't want to give Rick another reason to look at me and Mila a certain way.

"Is that blood?" Carol asked, horrified, and making me look down at my filthy clothes and hands.

"We found a walker-" I answered before she could have a chance to have another meltdown.

"Oh my god!"

"But there was no sign it was near Sophia. I cut the son o' a bitch open myself, just to be sure." Carol put her head in her hands as the rest of the group looked like Sophia was already dead. "Look, she's gonna be fine. Tomorrow, I'll follow the creek up and back around. It's her only landmark, she's gotta be by it."

I felt pretty good about this plan, at least as good as you can feel about leaving a kid in the woods at night, but Carol didn't seem to think so– choosing instead to misdirect her anger toward Rick, a tactic I'm familiar with.

"She's a child! How could you just leave her out there alone?"

"Those walkers were on us. It was our best shot…"

Despite his rationale, Rick's guilty conscience was on full display– making him sound unsure of his decision. He walked off, probably to self-flagellate. Carol wasn't done though, and set her sights on a new target.

"And Mila– how could she possibly lose her?!"

"Hey," I warned, low and serious. I knew Mila would be listening, even if I couldn't see her, and she was already taking it hard. "She was the first to take off after her. You're going after everyone else about not watching your kid– where the hell were you?"

It was a low blow, I knew it was as I was saying it, but she wasn't exactly playing fair either. Carol gasped, looking like she'd have preferred I'd slapped her, before retreating back into the RV. I didn't stick around to see how everyone else was looking at me, only concerned with one person's opinion. I slowly stalked over, chewing on my thumb and trying to think of what the hell I was supposed to say. We were all doing our best and feeling like shit about having to call it a day. Mila was laying back against the windshield and staring at the now dark sky. I slid up next to her, making the frame shake slightly, and copied her pose. We stayed silent, eyes up, for a long while before she finally spoke up.

"You didn't have to defend me to Carol. She's right."

I forcibly exhaled and shook my head.

"Nah. She ain't. She's jus' scared, is all."

She scoffed.

"Imagine how scared Sophia is."

I crossed my arms and sighed, all out of things to say. I'm getting real tired of everyone acting like this is already a lost cause. At least give the girl a chance to find her way back before writing her off. I'm trying to be patient about everyone's feelings but I'm running out of rope. Shit was easier when it was just me and Merle. Sure, he created his own set of problems but at least he wouldn't go running off and getting lost in the woods.

"Lori made chili while you were gone. There should still be some left."

I glanced over at her, back to chewing on my thumb, eyelids heavy from the long day. Was the CDC really only this morning?

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah." Liar. A bad liar, too.

I grunted back, hopping down from the SUV to go find the food. I was hungry as hell, we hadn't eaten since T-Dog's eggs– well over ten hours ago. My calves were cramping from exertion, and my outburst at Carol probably had a little more to do with low blood sugar. I hesitated outside of the RV, feeling like I was intruding, before pushing through it to enter. Now wasn't the time to die of starvation because I was too awkward to face the bridges I'd burned. Carol was sitting at the RV table with Lori and T-Dog, her back to me– although I knew she knew it was me by her stiff body language.

"We saved you some dinner," Lori pointed to the small stove. "Can you take some for Mila too? We all need to eat to keep our strength." I nodded once, annoyed that she lied to me– even if I already knew she did– and grabbed two bowls and spoons. "Just save some for Rick."

"How you doin', man?" I asked T, seeing his arm was now more professionally wrapped in gauze and bandages.

"Been better… glad Mila was here though. No one else could hardly look at it but she wasn't even phased. Said if she can find some supplies, she can give me some stitches so keep your eye out."

"Will do."

"Thanks for earlier, by the way. I would've been a goner had you not shown up."

I dropped my gaze, uncomfortable with praise and how much I'd been getting it lately. I shrugged.

"You'd have done the same for me."

I wasn't sure he would've, but it moved the spotlight out of my direction. Hitting my limit for social interaction, I headed down the RV steps and back to Mila's makeshift couch. I put the bowls on the roof of the car, pushing myself back up on the hood before grabbing them both and passing one to her. She sighed and shook her head.

"I'm not hungry."

I funneled a spoon-full into my mouth and shoved the bowl more decisively into her hands.

"Yeah, you said you already ate too." She held onto the bowl but didn't make a move for it, still staring straight ahead with that glazed look I hate. "If you don't eat, you won't have the energy to help look for her tomorrow."

I gave her a minute, to see if this tactic would work, and relaxed when I saw her finally take a bite. The only sounds for a while were the scraping of spoons on plastic and crickets, but it didn't feel tense. Just comfortable. Mila put her bowl to the side and laid as flat as she could, arms behind her head.

"The only good thing about the end of the world is now I can see all the stars the light pollution was hiding."

I could think of a few other good things that came outta this.

"You know anythin' about 'em?" I put my own bowl to the side and laid back, taking the expansive twinkling atmosphere in. The Georgia wilderness buffered our voices, making it feel like we were alone out here.

"Not a ton, the usuals. Orion's belt… north star… the big and little dipper," she pointed them out as she rattled them off. I smirked, amused. "What?" She asked, eyes narrowing but a small smile on her lips.

"If you know where the north star is, you shouldn't get lost as easy as you do." She rolled her eyes and gently smacked my arm.

"I can't see it during the day."

"So, you think your directional skills would be better at night?"

She thought about it before answering quietly.

"I plead the fifth… but I guess it's good I have a Daryl who knows what he's doing."

My pulse thrummed under my skin as my mind went blank, stealing any semblance of words from my mouth. Usually, I hated having anyone rely on me– it made me feel trapped, like they thought they owned me. It felt different when she said it though. I suddenly felt nothing but gratitude for the lifetime of experience I'd accrued.

"Guess it is."

That was the best reply I could muster and I'm damn lucky I managed to say anything at all. Guilt plummeted me back down to earth, making me feel like a piece of shit for doing whatever this was when Merle and Sophia were missing. Sitting and stargazing, a warm dinner in my belly, and… flirting? Was that what this was? Nah, just friendly conversation.

"Did you find any trace of her?" Mila was back to looking sad, apparently following my train of thought. She'd been doing that a lot today.

"Some tracks. She was headin' back to the highway, but something spooked her."

"A walker?"

"Nah, hers were the only set of tracks. But it gets disorientin' out there, it can be hard to tell where sound is coming from. Could've been a squirrel or somethin'."

She nodded, chewing her lip in thought, before giving my wrist a squeeze.

"If anyone can find her, it's you."

I didn't respond, too busy trying to push down the instant satisfaction her faith in me produced, and hoped I'd do a better job at finding Sophia than I did finding Merle.

—-

Mila

After my car chat with Daryl, we each went our separate ways– him to do another perimeter lap to make sure Sophia hadn't turned up somewhere nearby and me to find a place to sleep tonight. I managed to find a hatchback with seats that folded down and minimal blood inside, declaring it good enough, before throwing my backpack into it to claim it. I zipped up my hoodie and wandered around to find T-Dog. I didn't have to look far– he was sitting in the driver's seat of his own claimed vehicle for the night with the door propped open.

"Hey, are you doing okay?"

He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile that turned into a wince as he moved.

"Hanging in there. Thanks for patching me up."

"Always happy to help," I put on my serious nurse face now, "but I'm still worried about the risk for infection, so I need you to tell me if you start getting chills or feeling off."

"You got a deal."

"Tetanus too, so I want you to find me right away if you start feeling weird jaw or muscle stuff happening."

T-Dog laughed a little at my fretting, but nodded and agreed.

"I'll be a good patient, I promise."

"Good. Alright, I'll let you get some sleep. See you tomorrow."

He gave me a little wave and I headed back down the highway, towards my stuff. Once I was out of his eyeline, I dropped my head and sighed. I hated feeling like I was avoiding something. Another breath– that uncomfortable tightness in my chest was still there. I already know I'll have trouble sleeping tonight, this will just make it worse. Straightening my back and turning on my heel, I headed to the RV and knocked on the door. Lori answered.

"Mila, hey. You don't have to knock, you can just come on in," Lori says with a smile. I look around behind her, seeing Carl already in his bed and Carol making up hers. The men had chivalrously offered the RV to the moms and kids before Sophia had run off. Carol didn't turn around and the small rejection hurt more than I expected.

"I just wanted to see if I could talk to Carol real quick?"

Lori gave me a nod-shrug, indicating some version of I think so? I was already here, may as well commit.

"Carol?" I said, my voice a little louder. Carol stopped making her bed, big enough for two but only sleeping one tonight, and turned to take Lori's place at the door. Her expression was guarded but not visibly angry. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I tried to catch her," My voice started to choke up but I swallowed around the lump and continued, "but I wasn't fast enough and I got all turned around-"

"Stop."

I did as I was told, apprehensively waiting for her to chew me out and tell me I was dead to her. Nothing she said to me could be any worse than what I'd been saying for myself. In fact, it might feel kind of good to have someone punish me in the way I deserved.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Carol finished, "You did your best and were the first one to go after her. You didn't hesitate, but I did. I'm sorry about earlier– I know you probably heard that, and Daryl was right to put me in my place," I tried to shake my head and interrupt, but she caught me first, "Let me finish. I was lashing out, but I'm not blaming anyone but myself. We got separated when the herd came through and that's on me."

"Hey, no," I pulled her down for a hug, "It happened so fast. You're such a good mom to Sophia. She just… panicked." Carol gripped me back, tightly, sniffling, before pulling back.

"Well if you're not letting me blame me, I'm not letting you blame you. Okay?"

Despite the deep shame swirling inside of me, I gave her a reluctant nod and mentally only half agreed to her terms.

"Alright, go get some sleep," she commanded, with a squeeze of my arm– still a mom, even without her daughter here to be on the receiving end.

Wanting to end on a good note, I complied and slowly made my way between the cars. A flicker of orange caught my eye in my peripheral, close to the treeline, before I realized it was Daryl, smoking a cigarette. I headed over to him, for no reason other than listening to the magnetic energy flowing through my blood that seemed to always gravitate me to his side. I stood next to him, arms wrapped around myself and watching my breath come out in clouded puffs from the cold. He silently offered me his cigarette and I considered it, wondering if it would help the ache inside, but ultimately shook my head.

"Not after the things I've seen."

I ran my hands over my arms again, hoping the friction would warm them up a bit and get rid of the goosebumps. The darkness had brought a chill with it and I found myself thinking of Sophia again. Aly too. Were either of them warm? Safe? Alive? As Daryl took another drag, he unbuttoned his flannel shirt with one nimble hand and shrugged it off before passing it to me.

"No, Daryl, I don't want you to be cold-"

"Shut up, jus' take it. I'll be fine."

He did look fine in the black thermal shirt that had been previously obscured by the flannel. The soft fabric clung to the curves of his arms in a way that made me dizzy and stupid. I pulled my arms through his borrowed shirt, still warm from his body heat and infused with his smell, and fought the urge to take the deepest inhale of my life.

"Well, thank you." I got a grunt in response. "Were you out here looking for her?" He flicked the cigarette to the ground and stubbed it out with his boot.

"Thought I'd do a lap jus' to be sure."

My heart swelled. This grumpy, jaded, rough around the edges man was fighting harder than anyone to bring that little girl home. What's the typical trope– a bad boy with a heart of gold? I'm in trouble.

"I can walk with you as you finish up your rounds… unless you're already done?" I held my breath, hopes already sky high at the possibility of spending fifteen extra minutes with him today.

"Nah, still need to go around the east side."

"You can't say those words to me like they mean something when they mean nothing to my brain," I reply, staring at him blankly. He gave me a confused look back.

"What words?"

"East… west… north… south. What do I look like– a compass?"

"You look like you need a compass. How were you just walkin' through the woods when I found you? How do you even know where you're goin'?" He huffed. "Can save a life but have no damn survival skills."

I bit my lip to keep from smiling. Maybe I should be insulted by his lack of belief in my abilities, but something about the ribbing felt easy. Familiar, almost, like I got to see a truer side of him than everyone else.

"Easy," I rocked on the balls of my feet and he gestured for me to continue, "I didn't know where I was going. Was just walking for something to do." I gave him a big smile, knowing this answer would push his buttons. It was true, though. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before responding.

"You were just walkin' aimlessly? No plan or destination?" He looked up, squinting at me. "What if I hadn't found you? What were you gonna do?"

I took a few steps in the direction I thought was east, unhurried, and he followed.

"Dunno." I gently nudged his shoulder with mine. "I'm glad you came along so I didn't have to figure it out."

He shook his head but dropped the subject. We walked quietly, path partially lit by the moon, but I found myself extra jumpy by the decreased visibility and chorus of strange sounds. Even the leaves crunching under our feet seemed to echo ominously. I reached for my knife– well, Daryl's knife– on my belt only to find the spot empty, remembering too late that I had left it in the car. This was a spontaneous decision and I hadn't thought I'd needed it between the RV and my makeshift bed.

"I don't-"

Daryl interrupted me, like he already knew.

"That's alright, I got ya."

And despite being in a scary forest with potential dangers around every corner, I believed him. Trusted him. Enough so that my body became less edgy almost immediately. However, I did reach an arm out to link it around his, hand resting on his bicep. For safety. He initially tensed, his muscle stiff under my fingers, but relaxed into my touch and said nothing.

"Sophia!" I whispered into the night, hoping she'd be drawn to my voice and put us all out of our misery.

"Wait a minute."

Daryl broke our contact to kneel on the ground, inspecting a bush with his fingers and seeing something invisible to my eyes. As he was looking, a rustle from behind us caught my attention. I bit my lip and glanced at him, wondering if I should mention it but not wanting to distract him when he'd finally found a clue. I turned to face the noise, slowly stepping forward and turning my ear to try and hear it again. Maybe I made it up? Needing to be sure but not wanting to be ambushed by a walker, I inched closer to the thick treeline before stepping into the darkness.

"Oh my god!" I gasped out in surprise before falling to my knees in the dirt. I heard Daryl's footsteps running before I saw him fly around the tree trunk, crossbow ready to shoot. "Wait, don't!" I yelled, jumping into the line of fire. His nostrils flared as his brain tried to catch up to the situation before dropping his weapon to face his feet.

"What the hell?!" He exclaimed, disgruntled and annoyed.

I opened my arms to the all black German Shepherd as it excitedly licked my face, running my hands all over its fur and snuggling my face into its neck.

"Who is so beautiful? Yes, you are. And so sweet too! What are you doing out here all alone?" I asked in my voice that was reserved for most dogs and especially cute babies, earning me an excited tail wag.

"You scared the shit out of me, gasping like that." His disapproving face and heaving chest barely registered to me, too delighted by our new friend. "You can't just run off like that, especially without a weapon."

"Aw, come on– I thought I heard a sound and I wanted to make sure it wasn't anything scary. And it wasn't!"

"But what if it had been?" His eyes bore into mine, trying to get me to see the gravity of the situation– but honestly, he was failing because I would've walked into a forest a hundred times over if it meant finding this happy companion.

"Then you were right there." I paused my petting and looked up at him, "I trust you." He looked a little taken aback, before clearing his throat and nodding. "Plus, it was just Raven here," I said as I resumed my cuddling. He groaned and looked at the sky.

"You did not name the dog."

"Of course I did! We can't just call her 'dog'."

"We're not calling her anything because you're not keeping her."

"What?! Why?!"

"For one, we don't need another mouth to feed. Plus, we don't need that damn thing barkin' and drawing every walker in a mile to us." Daryl looked at Raven the way a housewife might look at an opossum– thinly veiled disdain that reads keep that thing the hell away from me.

"Not a dog person, huh?"

"Never been 'round 'em much. Don't really get it."

Raven must speak English because right at that moment, she let out a small whine and put her head into my lap, solidifying the hearts in my eyes.

"Well, I'm not leaving her out here. So either she comes with me or I'm sleeping out here tonight." Daryl opened his mouth to protest, but I jumped in first, "And it has to mean something that she's survived this long on her own. I don't think that would happen if she barked at every noise. Plus, she can hear things we can't! Maybe she can even-"

"Okay, alright, Jesus, keep the damn thing. Can't promise you'll be able to talk Rick into it but you're not sleepin' out here so let's go."

I happily stood up and wiped my hands on my thighs before giving the dog a slight whistle.

"Come on, Raven– you heard the man." I conspiratorily whispered to her, "Before he changes his mind."

Raven jumped up and obediently followed me, staying close to my side and as quiet as a mouse. I felt much less jumpy than before, not even needing to hold onto Daryl to feel safe, knowing that she'd hear something concerning long before I would.

"Raven, huh? Ain't that a bird?"

"Yeah, a corvid– like a crow. They're super smart and can hold grudges so well that if you piss them off, they can describe your face to the rest of their family and the whole flock will know you and hate you– even if they've never seen you before."

"You named her after a bird because they hold grudges?" His tone was incredulous as he arched a brow at me.

I shrugged and gave her ear a scratch.

"Who wouldn't want that amount of loyalty? Especially now."

We were just nearing the edge of the clearing and the cars on the highway came back into view. I was grateful that everyone was already asleep, meaning I had all night to work on my argument for keeping her.

"You head on up, I'm gonna finish," he said, motioning to my car as I whipped around to look at him, confused.

"What do you mean? Didn't we just finish?"

He gazed up at the moon before meeting my eyes with an indecipherable expression. Now, it was his turn to shrug.

"I said I needed to check out the east side… you went west."

What? Why didn't he say anything? Raven watched him go but followed me up the hill and to my bedroom for the night. I let her climb in before following, realizing only when I laid in the back that I was still wearing his flannel and wondering if maybe, just maybe, Daryl Dixon liked spending time with me too.