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There you go, another flashback chapter for you. Happy reading!
Everything Sucks
The unspoken thing between the two Titans was becoming very obvious to a certain alien princess. She actually didn't understand how her brilliant detective boyfriend hadn't figured it out yet. Just that morning, after a particularly exhausting fight against the HIVE, Raven ended up with her cape torn out, her hair all messy and flushed cheeks from the physical effort. Garfield teased her about being all disheveled, and when she angrily pointed out that if he'd been more useful in that fight she wouldn't be looking like that, not only did he not mind being called useless but he smirked and said but why would I want that when you look so cute? And then he winked at her. The weirdest part though was she let him get away with it. Starfire even thought she saw Raven blush, but that was probably her imagination.
"Kor, can we talk?" Raven calmly asked her friend. "Alone?"
"Oh?" Kory detached herself from her confused boyfriend to look at her friend properly.
"Sorry. I just, I think I need to have the…what do you call it again?"
Starfire's eyes widened and filled with expectation. "The girl talk?"
"Do we have to call it that?"
"Oh most certainly."
"Fine. Then…" The sorcerer sighed. "Yes. I need a girl talk."
Starfire had been waiting for this since they first became close after switching bodies that one time. Don't make the fuss Koriand'r. You'll just freak her out. Breathe. "I'm very sorry honey but my best friend needs me."
She was clearly trying to contain her enthusiasm, which was amusing to both Raven and Robin.
"Hey, I get it." Robin put his hands up in defeat and smiled. Kory gave him one last peck and left to her room pulling a clearly distressed Raven by the hand.
They sat on Starfire's bed. Raven had learned to feel comfortable in her room, even though it was so colorful and bright. At least it wasn't messy. They stared at each other for a while and Raven opened her mouth to speak a few times, but closed it again.
"Is this about you and friend Beast Boy?"
Raven's head shot up as a look of surprise quickly crossed her face.
"How do you…is it obvious or something?"
"To me, yes. But I don't think it's obvious to the others, no." She smiled reassuringly.
"Oh. Right." Raven really did appreciate Starfire. She inhaled and continued, her face distorting in embarrassment and her voice becoming smaller and smaller. "Well…he might have a little bit of a crush on me."
Starfire raised an eyebrow. Holy shit.
"Just an itsy bitsy tiny one." Raven muttered, rubbing her own arm.
Starfire nodded. "Might have as in this is a theory or might have as in we're sure about this?"
"We're sure. He told me."
Koriand'r fought back a squeal. "I see, I see. And how do we feel about this?" She crossed her legs and scooted closer to Raven, like a child ready to listen to a bedtime story.
"Kory I can't feel any kind of way about this. It's me, feeling anything is…dangerous. I've been trying to make little of it, but it's getting worse. His affections are growing. I should kill it, right? I should turn him down properly. I should stop being nice because that might encourage him, and it's better to break his heart now than let this develop into an absolute disaster." She waited for Kory's confirmation but it never came. "Kory? What do you think?"
"I think if you had all that figured out that easily you wouldn't need the girl talk, so I'm waiting for the but."
Damn. When did she get wise? Raven exhaled and furrowed her brows in absolute distress. "Well, that's what I should do. So, why can't I do it?"
Starfire had never seen Raven this vulnerable. It made her want to hug her really bad. "Do you like him?"
"Kory!" Raven straightened up immediately and crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't be absurd."
"Sorry." Kory laughed a little. It was a bit of a silly question, but she had to. "I know you said you'll never like anyone like that because it's too risky. But I guess what I mean is…would you like him if you could?"
"That…" Raven crossed her legs on the bed to match her friend's posture; she was strangely comfortable with this conversation. "…is completely unimportant."
"Oh I disagree."
"Well, I…I don't know. I have no idea. I mean, it seems pointless to imagine what I could hypothetically feel if I couldn't act on it anyway. So I never do."
The Tamaranean smiled sadly. It did seem cruel to ask Raven to figure out feelings she couldn't act on. If she did like Beast Boy, turning him down would only be harder…
"I don't dislike him." Raven suddenly pulled Kory out of her thoughts. "I don't know how I would feel. I don't think I'd like him. I mean, it makes no sense. We're not exactly compatible. He drives me crazy. But if I'm being completely honest with you, and I'm trying to be…I'm struggling a little because…I'm having a hard time trying not to enjoy his attention."
Raven looked away.
This was clearly very difficult for her and Starfire knew it was miles away from her comfort zone, so she reached out and held her friend's hand. She usually didn't touch her without permission, but somehow she knew it would be okay this time. "That's okay. It's okay to enjoy it."
Raven's eyes welled up and her voice became strained, but she didn't drop any tears. "But it's not though, Kor. It's not okay. Because I'm letting him flirt, ain't I? And as much as some morbid part of me likes it, it's already overwhelming as it is. I can't give him what he wants. I can't give him anything. I'm going to hurt him."
"Can I please hug you?"
Raven just got on her knees and moved closer to Kory, who did the same thing and enveloped her in a warm but careful hug, rubbing her back. Raven didn't cry, but she did need a few deep breaths to cool down as she hugged Starfire back. They pulled away slowly after a while.
"I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If you really want to end it, maybe you can try to focus on all the things you don't like about him. Like, you always say he annoys you and demands attention all the time. Or maybe just think about listening to the bad jokes all day."
Raven chuckled lightly. This so called girl talk was more helpful than she thought. "That's not a bad idea, actually."
"Maybe you can focus on how bad his flirting is." Kory giggled.
"Yeah…maybe." Raven sighed and looked down, biting her lip.
"What is it?"
"I…I don't think that will help, actually."
"Why not?"
"Ugh." Raven looked absolutely miserable when she met her friend's eyes again. "Azar help me, I think it's cute."
Starfire couldn't help but smile. She wanted to ask Raven if she was sure she couldn't try to allow herself to feel something for him. But she knew that she wasn't comfortable with that.
"It's just that hurting him, I mean actually hurting him, makes me feel like I'm kicking a stray dog or taking candy from a child or something." Raven went on.
"I do understand that." Kory laughed a little.
"You know I have a hard time disappointing him, right? You remember what happened when I brought Terra's memories back." Raven said as she hugged herself and shivered slightly at the memories.
"Oh yes I don't think any of us could ever forget that."
Raven flushed. "Could you turn him down for me? Please?" She gave her Tamaranean friend a hopeful little smile and Kory laughed whole-heartedly. Then Raven sighed. "This is all her fault, you know. If she hadn't rejected him none of this would be happening." Raven pointed out, not quite bitterly but regretfully.
Starfire wasn't so sure that was true. She did not think the absence of Terra was the only thing drawing her shapeshifter friend to the empath. But she kept that to herself. And they both took a moment to remember what happened after Raven told Beast Boy she was confident she could bring Terra's memories back without doing any damage…
Flashback starts
It had been a few weeks since she told them she was the one who turned Terra back. She had allowed Beast Boy to talk to the blonde and see if she might be interested while she prepared for it. But Terra repeatedly told him she did not want to get her memories back, which made him depressed and Raven suspicious. So one day, she went to talk to the girl herself.
"Hello, Terra."
The former Titan jumped as Raven's low voice sounded from the dark alley.
The empath stepped out into the light and pulled her hood down. "It's okay. It's just me."
"Oh. Raven, right? You're a Titan. Look…thanks for your service, really, you're great, seriously, but if this is about what your teammate's been telling me for weeks…"
"It is. But hear me out. Give me ten minutes and if you still want to be left alone, you will be. I'm not Beast Boy. I'll respect your wishes."
Terra frowned and thought for a minute. The green guy was fun but he had been tiring her lately. But this girl didn't do anything to her. It seemed rude to not even listen. "Okay…"
They went to a coffee shop and sat down across from each other. Raven ordered tea and Terra ordered a latte.
"So, what's up?" Terra thought about asking for an autograph first, but she had a weird sensation that she shouldn't for some reason.
"You already know you were one of us and got turned into stone, and then I turned you back but didn't realize it, right? He filled you in on that part." When Terra nodded worriedly, she continued. "I think you and me unconsciously blocked your memories when I turned you back. And your powers."
"Huh? How would we do that?"
"Well, if you didn't want to remember…if you wished you wouldn't…I used white magic, so it might have just granted your wishes." She said calmly. "I won't lie to you. I can help, but if we unblock these memories, some of them will be traumatic. I think you know that. I think you have some idea, some memories left. Maybe flashes. That's why you're scared to remember."
Terra felt like crying. Her eyes welled up quickly. "I remember…a manipulative eye. Feeling completely out of control. And...hurting people."
"I know." Raven nodded slowly. "What I'm here to tell you is…this is your choice, but…if what's holding you back is guilt, you should know you redeemed before the end. And if what's holding you back is fear, you should know the person who manipulated you isn't around anymore. And your powers can be controlled. I get it, I do. I have traumatic memories too. My father is a demon. But I know I would want to know, as bad as it was. But if not knowing is still your choice, I'll respect that."
Terra bit her lip and thought for a moment. "Did I hurt you?" She asked hesitantly.
"Yes. But I forgive you. No matter what your choice is." Raven said blankly. "Well, that's it. I think I hit my quota of social interactions for the day. If you change your mind, you know how to find us. We live in the big tacky not at all discreet T-shaped tower. I'll try to get Clingy Boy to leave you alone, but no promises. Even I have my limits. Bye Terra."
And just like that she disappeared into the floor, leaving a very confused Terra behind with her thoughts, one of them being she should have asked for an autograph. "Bye…"
The next morning Terra showed up in Titan Tower. Beast Boy beamed and practically squealed. Terra blushed. Maybe she did like him. He was kinda cute. Unusual-looking, sure, but cute.
"I've finally convinced you!" Garfield was radiant.
"Actually…" Terra chuckled. "Raven did."
And right in that moment Raven emerged from her room and suddenly felt very uneasy with everyone's shocked stare on her. "What?"
Beast Boy suddenly launched at her and wrapped his arms around her in a way that wouldn't allow her to move unless she phased through him, which would drop him on the floor for sure.
"What on Earth, Azarath and Hell are you doing? Get off of me." She said in an irritated voice.
Beast Boy let go of her and smiled apologetically. Raven sensed and then saw Terra next. She was standing there and waving awkwardly at her.
"Oh. Hi."
"Hello! I uh…thought about what you said. And I think I want to know too. As bad as it was."
Raven started smiling at her but Beast Boy jumped in front of her grinning like an idiot.
"Well the first thing you should know is you have like a really cool superpower, she's getting that back too right Rae?" When Raven nodded he went on like a crazy person. "Ohhh man you'll never guess, guess what your power is! It's mind blowing."
"You do realize her name literally means earth, right?" Raven's monotone crushed his enthusiasm.
Terra laughed light-heartedly. This was familiar to her. She used to like these people, she was sure of it.
"Terra, let's go to my room for this." Raven said and then she looked directly at Beast Boy. "I will personally banish anyone who interrupts us to a very unpleasant dimension."
Garfield raised his hands up in the air in surrender and grinned. He was so excited. "Hey, I wouldn't!"
Terra and Raven didn't come out of Raven's room for hours. Every now and then the Titans heard Terra scream and Raven chant something in Latin. It sounded intense. Eventually a dark cloud enveloped the entire tower and the Titans started to suffocate. They grasped for air desperately for a few terrifying seconds until the cloud turned into a gigantic dark raven and dissipated.
"Sorry! My bad!" Raven's voice shouted from her room.
They were still catching their breath when she floated into the ops room with Terra walking beside her. They both looked extremely tired and their eyes were swollen.
"I-I need to meditate. Terra's emotions overwhelmed me. But it…it worked." And then the sorcerer was gone.
Terra looked down and hugged herself. Beast Boy was already by her side watching her expectantly. The others stood up and waited for her to say something.
"I remember…everything." The former Titan looked up at them. "I-I can't…"
"Maybe you should sit down and have some water first, huh?" Cyborg offered sympathetically. He figured letting her breath was probably the best course of action.
Terra nodded and sat down on the couch while Beast Boy got her a glass of water. She took it gratefully and calmed down for a moment. "Guys…I'm so sorry. I really am."
"Water under the bridge." Robin quickly dismissed her apologies. Being turned into stone seemed like enough to earn redemption. "Are you okay?"
"I think so." She nodded, feeling a little better. "I think my emotions hurt Raven, will she be okay?"
"She will; she always is. She's tough." Beast Boy said way too quickly.
Starfire wasn't sure why, but it made her a little uncomfortable.
"Are your powers back?" Robin raised an eyebrow at her.
Several rocks appeared floating outside their giant window and spelled the word definitely. Everyone was impressed, but Beast Boy was in awe.
"I had a little meditation lesson before we started. You know, to help me not lose control again." Terra smiled slightly.
"This is so amazing! You're back! You're Terra and you're back!" The shapeshifter's grin was enormous; he couldn't hold it in any longer. He hugged her tightly and felt tears in his eyes. "I missed you."
"I…missed you too." She rubbed his back, but it was a little sad. Not that he noticed.
Raven came back still looking tired. She hadn't finished meditating, but a few minutes were enough to make her feel a little better and she wanted to see what happened next. "Well, that was intense."
"R-Raven…I…I wanted to…" Terra began. She knew she had to apologize to her specifically for the things she said to her when they fought. They all deserved a one on one apology but she at least had to do it for Beast Boy and Raven. After all, Raven had just given her a lot.
"I know." Raven just raised one hand to stop her. "It's okay. I know."
"I still want to talk to you." The blonde stood up and walked up to her. "I'm sorry about the things I said. I only said it because I knew it was the only way to beat you, which I thought I needed to do becau-"
"Because of Slade."
Terra winced at the mention of her former mentor.
Raven put a hand on her shoulder. "I saw it. I didn't see everything but I did see him. I felt it. And I understand. The hold he had on you…it's almost like the hold Trigon had on me. Like an invisible rope that you feel like you can't escape. But we did escape. You're okay now."
Terra's blue eyes glistened with the tears she'd been holding back. And then she cried. And Raven mouthed hug her silently to Beast Boy. He was just about to anyway.
Terra sobbed into his shoulder. "I'm sorry t-to you too B-Beast Boy…I-I did like you."
Seeing her cry was his downfall. He held her tight and felt like she never even hurt him in the first place. "Shh, it's okay. I still like you." He pulled away to grin at her.
Terra smiled sadly at him. Raven tensed up at the same time. She had a feeling this wasn't going to go the way he wanted it to.
"Beast Boy, I…thankou…really, thankou…but I…I can't stay…" Terra looked away from him.
His heart sank. Raven had discreetly left to her room already. She felt a little bad but she'd handled enough emotion for one day, Beast Boy's heartache would be too much. Beast Boy's eyes were filled with tears now. The other Titans held their breath.
"What do you mean…?" Garfield asked quietly.
"I mean…I'm really sorry and I'm grateful for everything, but I can't stay. I need to start fresh somewhere."
"You could star fresh here. You could!"
"Beast Boy…" She pulled away from him and took a few steps back.
"But I…I love you." It was a barely a whisper. A pleading whisper. Please don't leave me again.
Her face hardened ever so slightly, so they could still see the trails of tears on her face. This wasn't fair to her. She had just gotten her life back and she wasn't sure what she wanted yet. This was a second chance for her. Why couldn't he see that? "I don't want to stay, Beast Boy."
Raven felt the agonizing pain that invaded Beast Boy all the way from her room.
"Okay…maybe we should all take some time off and talk about this tomorrow." Robin rubbed his temples and wondered why he ever thought starting a team of teen super heroes was a good idea.
Starfire was the first to pull Beast Boy into a hug after Terra ran out to her old room. Robin gave him a sympathetic pat on the back and Cyborg ruffled his hair and told him she'd definitely come around in the morning. But in the morning she was gone. She did leave a note. Starfire read it out loud:
Robin, I'm sorry for lying to you after you welcomed me in your team. You're a great leader and I'm glad my bad choices didn't change that.
Starfire, I'm sorry I made little of your amazing friendship. Your kindness isn't weakness.
Cyborg, I'm sorry I was one more person you couldn't trust. You deserved better.
Raven, you know how sorry I am. Thanks for bringing me back (even if you didn't realize it) and giving me a second chance.
Beast Boy, I'm sorry about everything. You really were the best friend I ever had. Our one date was one of the best nights of my life until it turned sour. I wish I'd been better to you.
Thank you all so much for forgiving me. But it's too hard to stay here. I need to figure out who I am.
Goodbye, Terra.
Beast Boy had cried himself to sleep already. He felt crushed. And angry. He didn't want another apology. He wanted her. So he walked past Starfire, taking the note from her hands and tossing it in the trash. He felt bitter. He knew it was selfish, but he felt it anyway.
"Don't you think that's a bit harsh?" Raven asked sternly.
Her voice cut through Garfield like a knife.
"What?" He turned to face her angrily. "This coming from the queen of harshness."
Robin got between them and was about to tell Beast Boy to back off, but then Raven spoke again.
"Go on, insult me. Blame me if you want. She has the right to leave. She had no obligation to return your feelings. That's not why I did what I did. If that's harsh, so be it. It's true."
"Well it's not like you could ever understand, could you Raven? You'll never get your heart broken, will you? I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you, I'm selfish and needy and I wanted the girl I like to like me back, sue me!" Garfield stormed out to his room for a good session of self-hatred. He despised this version of him. He didn't love the fact Terra not liking him enough to stay or at least tell him she loved him back made him feel so…small. But right now there was nothing he could do to change any of that.
Nobody went to talk to him that day. They probably wanted to give him space, but it sucked. He didn't go out for lunch or dinner. He didn't go out for anything other than using the bathroom. He didn't go out for breakfast the next day either. Starfire and Cyborg both tried to get him to come out of his room for lunch though. When he told them to go away, Kory brought him a slice of pizza and a soda. Cyborg brought him dinner later. Those two continued trying to cheer him up and took turns bringing him food the next few days, but he felt numb.
And then he knew that if he stopped feeling numb, he would fall apart again. He had nightmares every night so he was really tired during the days. He didn't want to play video games, or train, or go out. He was grateful there wasn't any trouble for the last few days because he certainly did not want to fight crime. He walked into the ops room one afternoon when he thought everyone was busy or gone and went to the kitchen to see if there was anything vegan left to eat. Depressed as he was, hunger was starting to become a factor. Victor and Kory simply did not bring him enough food.
"Hi, Garfield."
Her voice startled him and he jumped. He hadn't smelled her. Even his senses were failing him now.
"Don't run off. I won't bother you." Raven sat on the couch and started reading a book.
"Hi, Raven." He looked at her as he found some tofu, and if softened his heart a bit. None of this was her fault. "I'm sorry, you know? I know I wasn't fair to you that day. I was just…I mean, I'm still…"
"Heartbroken." She looked up from her book.
"Yeah." He shrugged. "I know, I know. I need to grow up."
Raven examined him as he ate the tofu. He looked really tired. And he'd obviously been crying a lot. She hadn't approached him at all because he was hurting so bad. She needed some time away from drama after Terra. But she could sense him now and she hated it. She hated to see him like this. He was a gentle soul and to see him lose his childish joy wounded her heart.
"I can help, you know." She whispered from the couch, still looking up at him from her book.
Beast Boy was done eating and frowned in confusion. What does she mean? "Huh?"
"With your pain. I can help. If you want." She shrugged.
He blinked. What was she offering? And why was she offering it? Did he look that pitiful?
"You can? How?" Garfield moved closer to her.
"For Azar's sake, Garfield." She wrinkled her nose. "When was the last time you showered?"
Beast Boy suddenly felt very self-conscious. It had indeed been a while since he showered. He didn't think anyone would be here to notice. "I-I…"
"It doesn't matter." Raven sighed. "Look, I can…ease the pain. If you want. And I can take the nightmares away for a night or two."
"You…know about that?"
"They wake me up sometimes." She gave him a sympathetic look. "I don't know what they are; I just sense how scared and hurt you get."
Oh. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay, really. I'm just trying to offer help if you want it."
Well let's not waste that please. "I definitely want it. What would you do?"
"The nightmares are easy. When you go to sleep I just need to make sure your emotional state in peaceful. My empathic abilities can do that. They might come later in the night but at least you'll get a few hours of sleep."
He'd been dreaming about his childhood, Doom Patrol, the Beast, Terra rejecting him and all his friends kicking him off the team. He didn't know which one was worst. Or actually, he did. It was the one where he watched his parents die and did nothing.
"A few hours sound great." Garfield looked around nervously. "What about uh…easing the pain? Can you really do that? Would you erase my memories?"
"I could but I wouldn't. I don't think repressing memories is the way to go here. I could go inside your subconscious and try to help you heal some of the trauma. But…you'd have to let me in."
He bit his lip. Did he want Raven in his mind? Didn't she think he was pathetic enough?
"It's okay if you're not comfortable with it. I'm just saying cause you're in a lot of pain. I'm no good with pep talks; this is the help I can offer." She said blankly.
"No, I know! I mean, thankou. I want to accept, I really do. I just...can you promise not to judge me no matter what you see?"
"Garfield." She closed her book and looked at him pointedly. "I'm a half-demon prophecy child bred to destroy the world. I'm in no position to judge you."
Beast Boy chuckled at that and it was music to her ears. It had been strange to not hear him laugh for that long. He was relieved at the sensation too.
"So you'd be like my therapist, huh?"
"Basically. Like express therapy. I go in and do all the work so that you don't have to." She shrugged. "At least to get you a little better. Then you can go back to handling your own trauma like usual. With humor and denial."
Another chuckle escaped his lips. "Will I know what you did in my head?"
"No." Raven raised an eyebrow. "If I go in your subconscious, for obvious reasons, you won't be conscious of any of it. You'll just experience the results. You'd have to trust me."
"I do trust you." He stopped for a second because he surprised himself with how fast he said that. "Would it…hurt you?"
"I won't lie to you." She looked him in the eyes. "It will take a lot of energy. But as long as we take it slow, it shouldn't hurt me. Besides, I'm offering because I'm willing to. Either take it or at least take a shower."
Beast Boy considered it for a moment. He really did feel shitty. Maybe being selfish now was the best way to go back to his usual self and then Raven and everyone else would be better off too. Although, if he said they were the reason he wanted to accept, he would be lying. He really just needed the pain to ease for a bit. "Yeah, okay. That sounds helpful."
Raven crossed her legs and gestured for him to sit down on the couch too. He did.
"Lay your head here." She pointed to her lap.
His eyes widened. "Uh…"
"Don't make me regret offering help." She rolled her eyes at his awkwardness.
Beast Boy coyly lay down with his head on Raven's lap. His heart sped up a bit and he hoped she couldn't sense it. He'd never been allowed to have this kind of…closeness with her. It made him a little nervous. He noticed her thighs were really warm and that thought made him blush a little. Fortunately she didn't seem to pick up on it – either that or she decided to ignore it – as she closed her eyes and focused. So he tried to relax. He did trust her after all.
"Close your eyes." Raven whispered as a white glow emerged from her hands.
Beast Boy closed his eyes and as Raven's hands got on either side of his head and her soul-self detached from her body, he fell into a state of bliss like a peaceful sleep. It seemed like only a second passed before he opened his eyes again and looked up at her blank, calm face. The heartache was…much better. Much more bearable. He remembered everything that happened, but somehow now it just felt like the girl he liked didn't like him back as much, instead of feeling like his entire life experience was an endless pit of hopelessness, despair and worthlessness. He still felt bad, but compared to before…he felt like taking a shower and playing video games with Cyborg. He felt grateful for Cyborg. And Starfire. And Robin. And Raven, obviously. And for being a Titan. He felt grateful for belonging.
"We're done. You can uh…get off my lap now."
Beast Boy realized he had been staring up at her with what was probably a very idiotic look on his face. He also realized he was smiling. Her pointing it out should have made him feel embarrassed, but he was too relieved to care. It felt like having this huge heavy burden lifted and taken away. Besides, if he was going to make a fool of himself in front of anyone, it might as well be Raven. She already thought he was a fool anyway.
"That was…wow. How did you…"
"Seriously, get off my lap."
Raven was getting visibly uncomfortable, so he sat up straight and looked at her.
"Wow, what did you do in there? I feel so much better!"
"Nothing huge. You have pretty ordinary emotional scars." Well that's a shameless lie. She really didn't like lying to him, but in this case she felt that telling the truth wouldn't help anyone.
"Oh good. Hey you could make a fortune out of this express therapy stuff!"
"I don't need a fortune, Garfield." She rolled her eyes. "I have everything I need. Now, please stop assaulting my nostrils and go shower."
He did so compliantly and she went back to her book. Everyone else was psyched when Beast Boy came out for dinner that day. He told everyone what Raven did and she tried to change the subject, but everyone was obviously grateful for having their jokester back to the land of the living. Happy to help was all she said. That night Raven went into his room and put him to sleep to peaceful dreams. They did eventually turn into bad dreams, but only much later, once her magic had left him. Her magic. He hadn't expected it to feel so good. It was warm and healing and it made his insides all…cozy. Like a hug. The next day, he wasn't feeling quite as bad as before, but he did feel a little bit worse. He asked her if they could maybe have one more session, to which she said yes. And so it began.
She traveled into his subconscious every day and put him to sleep every night. He was happy by now. He didn't just feel healed and whole again, he felt better than ever. On the third night, he rang her on her communicator at two in the morning asking if she could put him to sleep again so he could sleep the whole night. She did. They started having more than one session per day and he would constantly call her in the middle of the night to help eventual crippling insecurities trying to creep back in and tarnish his dreams. He felt free from his insecurities and anxiety for the first time in his life and he wished he'd always known Raven could do this. He even dared to say he felt confident. He did better at training and he was basically over being dumbed. He actually wished Terra the best. He loved and missed her but he understood she had her own trauma and her decision wasn't about him, but about her.
Raven wasn't sure she'd ever regret offering help to someone this much again in her life. The first time, she saw a little boy dying and then he turned green and trapped. He was in chains and severely wounded. She freed him and picked him up and healed him. She reminded him he was worthy. The second time, she saw his parents die and comforted him reminding him it wasn't his fault. She also reminded him he had grown up and wasn't a child anymore, so people couldn't hurt him as easily now. She'd seen the men who kidnapped him and forced him to steal for them and she saw Nicholas Galtry, still haunting and taunting him. She chased them away.
Then she got to the more abstract parts of his mind. She fought evil versions of the Titans and Doom Patrol while they tried to kill a very powerless Beast Boy, broke him out of a circus, hugged a guilty Garfield who killed Terra over and over again and even adventured inside the darker corners of his jealousy and bitterness. She got a bit uncomfortable there because it became a little obvious a part of him resented both her and Robin. But she didn't take it personal. She knew better than that. Her mind was pretty messy and full of dark places too. So she just tried to make it better offering soothing energy and words.
She had safely navigated it all smoothing things over without changing it too much. She let him keep resenting her and Robin; she let him keep his guilt and his prejudice. She didn't want to change him. She just took some of the weight off. She did more work on his anxiety, those irrational freezing distorted beliefs that wouldn't allow him to think clearly. Not to mention her encounters with the Beast. It was much bigger now and much more dangerous. It had been locked in a cage and it was angry. But it was hurt too. And the more hurt it was, the more it hurt him from the back of his mind. She'd gone inside the cage several times to heal it. She wasn't that scared of it there, when it was caged and tamed. If it broke loose things would get serious. Every time she went in to heal the Beast for a bit, it dug its' claws in her. It got suspicious, like the wild animal it was. She realized the scratches were manifesting on her actual skin in real life. She'd bled a bit under her leotard several times. And she knew why.
It was because she was utterly, shamefully and disgustingly exhausted. She'd never felt this weak or tired before. She started wearing regular t-shirts so Beast Boy could see the light scratch marks on her neck, hoping he would take the hint. She couldn't even heal them properly anymore. There were slightly dark circles under her eyes and whatever glow her hair and skin once had was gone. Everyone else noticed it too. They kept waiting for her to say something. They didn't understand why she didn't. She didn't understand it either. But every single time this green boy came asking her for more, she couldn't say no to him. She was giving him everything she had and it made her feel pathetic.
Obviously she cared a lot about him and wanted to protect him. She did enter his mind and felt his heart and touched his gentle soul while she tried to put some of the pieces back together. Maybe that was why she was having such a hard time telling him a simple no. But if this didn't stop it would be the end of her. Like on the night before. Raven didn't answer her communicator when Beast Boy rang her at four in the morning. She didn't wake up to it. So she woke up to someone shaking her slightly and opened her eyes to see a green kitten on her bed. It turned into a scrawny green boy.
"Hey Rae I'm so sorry for coming in here but…" He whispered apologetically and gave her a little shy smile.
That was the thing too. He had the sweetest way of requesting her help and he really was grateful for it. She frowned, grunted and rubbed her eyes. "Nightmares?"
"Yeah…" Garfield looked down.
Never mind she hadn't slept in days. Obviously she needed to get out of bed to help this idiot get some peaceful sleep because he deserved it so much more than her. Why is this happening to me? What hurt the most was he clearly didn't care how she felt at all, because he kept asking for more. It cut her deeply, but she still couldn't stop it.
"Yeah…okay." Raven slowly got up and nodded. He grinned appreciatively so she went up to his room and helped him sleep again.
Beast Boy woke up smiling from blissful sleep. If he was being completely honest, last night hadn't been that bad. He probably could have had a glass of soy milk and gone back to sleep. But Raven was willing to help and it was so much better with her. Her magic made it so much easier. It was truly amazing. He walked into the ops room for breakfast and every other Titan but Raven – who strangely wasn't up yet – was glaring at him.
"Um…morning?" The shapeshifter waved at them.
"Friend Beast Boy we must do the talking. Please take a seat."
"Okay…" He took a seat slowly and laughed. "Am I in trouble or something?"
"Beast Boy, we need to talk about Raven." Robin needed to get to the point; the whole thing had been making him nauseous.
"We do? Okay. What did she do?"
"It's more what you did, bro." Cyborg told his friend. "You need to stop."
"I don't know if she lost a bet to you or if you're blackmailing her or what and honestly I don't care." Robin was trying to keep calm. "But that's not what her powers are for."
"Wait, what?" Garfield was absolutely confused.
"Dude, you need to stop making her do stuff for you." Cyborg sounded genuinely concerned. "I get that she offered to help and all that and we all thought it was great at first but now she's in bad shape."
"Yes, she's not here to do your bidding!" Starfire apparently was as pissed as Robin, though she was being much more dramatic about it.
"Do my…what now?!" Garfield chuckled, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable with this interaction. "You guys are crazy. Raven's just being nice for once. I'm not making her do anything. It's not like I even could. No one can make Raven do what she doesn't want to."
"Okay, normally I would agree with you." Robin's expression had softened up a bit. "But for some wildly beyond my comprehension reason she hasn't been able to deny you. So, you need to stop asking."
"She's not your magical slave!" Starfire threw her hands in the air.
That made Beast Boy's face turn red. My what now!? He let out several outraged, indignant, incoherent sounds and turned to Cyborg and Robin for support.
"Sorry, bro. Kory's not wrong. She really isn't." Cyborg was serious, but there was a hint of amusement in his tone. He was enjoying Beast Boy's embarrassment.
"You've been using her." Robin on the other hand clearly wasn't amused.
"I'd never do that! I-"
"And abusing her powers." Robin added.
Beast Boy shrank in his seat. This wasn't fair. Why wasn't Raven here to defend him yet?
"Oh…hi friend Raven!"
Everyone's heads turned to where Starfire was looking at. Raven was looking out the window, so they were staring at her back.
"I don't think she heard you." Cyborg whispered to a worried Starfire. "How long has she been there?"
"She just floated in." Kory whispered back.
"You guys are way off about this whole thing, I'll show you." Garfield whispered and then he looked in Raven's direction. "Hey, Rae?"
Raven tensed and turned around at once. Beast Boy froze and his breath caught in his throat. He nearly fell off his seat because she almost looked…scared?
"Yes?" She bit her lip.
Oh shit. Beast Boy stared at her wide-eyed and speechless for several seconds.
"You need something. W-What is it? Can I have my tea first?" Raven looked like she was about to cry.
"Look at her, Beast Boy." Robin glared at the shapeshifter next to him. "Look at her!"
Raven stared at the floor awkwardly. She wasn't sure what was going on but she felt profoundly uncomfortable and way too tired to react properly. And Beast Boy did look at her; really look at her, for the first time in a long time. Who was this? She looked drained. Her skin was dry and she seemed exhausted. He could see some light but very visible scratching scars on her arms and on her collarbone. But the worst part was her expression. She looked…frail. Did he do this to her? He felt so much better. Did she absorb his shit?
"Never mind the obvious fact that this is wrong, what happens if we need her to fight?" Richard asked.
"I can fight." Raven whispered weakly. "I…I can fight."
It convinced no one, least of all herself. It was mostly an automatic response. Her gaze was still fixed on the floor.
"Dude, you broke Raven." Cyborg gave voice to Garfield's fears.
"Holy shit!" Beast Boy got up hastily and hurried towards the corridor. He needed to get out of there. Remorse was eating at him. "I'm so sorry. I didn't…I don't…oh my God." He ran out.
Raven raised her eyes to her other friends and swallowed. "What was that? Did I do something?"
She slowly approached the table and Robin pulled the chair for her while Starfire made her tea.
"Of course not girl, we were just letting him know helping him is hurting you." Cyborg said. "And that he needs to stop requesting your help all the time. Don't even deny it."
"Oh…that." Raven said tiredly as she sipped her tea. "I'm not denying. But he doesn't care."
"Why would you say that, friend Raven?"
"Because he's not blind, he can see what it's doing to me. And I detect no guilt." Raven shrugged, but there was an audible hint of sadness in her voice.
Then suddenly, Beast Boy's voice sounded from the corridor.
"I'm not blind but I am stupid, remember!?" He had meant to go to his room, but then he heard her speak and decided to stay and listen. "I really didn't notice!"
Garfield gathered all his courage to reappear in the ops room and look at her with guilty eyes.
"You…didn't notice?" Raven faced him in utter disbelief.
Beast Boy wanted to cry. How did I let this happen? How selfish am I? She won't forgive me for this. There's no coming back from this one. "Why did you even do it? Why didn't you just say no? Why didn't you just tell me to fuck off and go to Hell?"
He wasn't trying to blame her; he really was desperately trying to understand.
"I…" Raven looked at her tea and furrowed her brows in thought. I have no idea. Why didn't I? "I don't know." She spoke softly.
Well Garfield, you're officially garbage. Beast Boy panted. How could he not notice? How did he let her do this to herself for him? How could he keep asking for more?
"I suppose not noticing is a little better than noticing and not caring." Raven spoke again, in that same tired voice, wide eyes on the floor.
"Raven I suck. You should have told me I suck!" Beast Boy was nearly crying and the other Titans felt a rush of relief. It really had been a case of utter cluelessness.
But Raven couldn't listen to it. She was too hurt by the whole thing. The fucked up part was she cared so deeply about him. And even though she was less hurt than when she thought he just didn't care, learning that he didn't pay enough attention to her to notice she wasn't well also hurt pretty badly. So she just disappeared into the floor and reappeared in the safety of her room. It wasn't long until he knocked on her door though. She opened it enough for him to see half her face.
"Raven please let me in. Please." Garfield's eyes were pleading and his voice was choked up.
She'd learned by now that refusing him when he was like this was impossible, so she opened the door wider and he walked inside. Raven sat on her bed. "We don't need to talk about it."
Garfield couldn't help but notice the plush turtle he gave her was on her pillow. Too bad a plush animal won't fix it this time. He pulled up a chair and sat across from her with his elbows on his knees. He realized it was really difficult to see her like this. He wasn't used to seeing her vulnerable at all, but this was brutal. At least she wasn't looking back at him.
"I don't know where to start." Beast Boy searched for the words in his brain.
Raven shrugged. She wanted him to leave. She just needed to sleep.
"I can't believe I did this to you. I really didn't…you believe me, right? I didn't realize…not that that's much better. I'm still an absolute asshole…"
"I believe you."
"Good. I am so sorry, Raven. You have no idea. I have no idea why you let me do this because I so don't deserve it…but you were nice and I abused it. I'm like…I'm really ashamed right now." His voice got smaller and smaller.
She looked up at him carefully. He was looking down now. He did seem sorry. Her empathic skills weren't as sharp now because of how worn out she was, but she could still pick up on it.
"I just need some time…if you just let me rest a bit…then I can help you agai-"
"Stop. You're done helping me. You've done so much. Seriously, you've done more than enough. I think I kind of got addicted to your magic. It's like…it feels good." He wasn't sure why, but he blushed at his own words.
Raven nodded slowly. It was advanced healing magic, of course it felt good.
"Just…just tell me you think you can eventually forgive me." Beast Boy continued. "I'll work for it. Just tell me there's a chance. Or don't. I'll still try."
She could feel her heart starting to heal and melt to his sincere apology. Why did this stupid boy have such a hold on her? It was embarrassing, really. She rolled her eyes. "There's no need to get dramatic."
Yes, there is. Look at her, jerk. "Oh this is nothing; I'll get on my knees and beg for forgiveness right now if that helps." He started getting off the chair to do it but she stopped him with a hand to his chest.
"Please don't." Raven felt her face heating up. "This whole thing is embarrassing enough for us both. Let's not add to it."
"You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. I'm the one who's embarrassed and ashamed. You were being kind. And sweet. And amazing. I'm the idiot."
But Raven definitely was embarrassed, because she still wasn't sure why she couldn't just stop it. She'd have to figure that out later.
"It's fine, Beast Boy. You were hurting and then I made you feel better and you got carried away. Of course I'll forgive you. After you let me sleep a whole night. Actually I'd like to sleep right now. All day. That would really put me in a forgiving mood." She smiled tiredly.
Wait, what? That's it? Garfield frowned absolutely shocked at how easy that was. He felt really grateful and relieved, but shocked. And then his eyes landed on…
"Did I do that?" Beast Boy reached out and lightly brushed his fingers over the scars on her collarbone.
Raven quickly put her own hand over it to hide them, but it was too late. She had wanted him to see them before, but now she didn't anymore.
"Not exactly you, no." She said softly. "I just need to recharge so that I can heal them."
"But you got them by helping me." He pressed and when she nodded his eyes welled up with tears. You hurt her. "Raven…"
"It's fine; just let me rest for a bit. I promise I'll be fine."
"I'll do more than that." Beast Boy said decisively. "I'll pamper you endlessly, you'll see. Get some rest and then…then prepare to be amazed." He spread his arms wide theatrically.
"No, please don't."
"I most definitely will. No one in the history of apologies has ever been as sorry as I am now." Garfield knew he was being dramatic, but it was a dramatic situation. She was in such a dramatic state.
The sorcerer rolled her eyes and cursed internally. She did not want him following her around for days. "Let's not get carried away. If you're really sorry please just go?"
"Okey dokey!" The shapeshifter jumped to his feet immediately and headed for the door, but Raven could sense he had all kinds of elaborate schemes in mind already.
She sighed. If he was going to annoy her for days, she should at least get some rest. "Thanks."
It was the best sleep she'd had in months. Raven woke up around dinner time. Beast Boy tried to make her dinner but the tofu sandwich really wasn't her favorite. He also gave her apology flowers, more specifically sunflowers. Raven sighed and thanked him secretly wondering how he expected her to keep them from dying when her room was always dark. The next day, he took her breakfast to her room but unfortunately that meant waking her up and it happened a lot sooner than she was planning.
Then he bugged her all day about going out, suggesting different places they could have fun like the arcade or the movies. He got her chocolate and more tofu. Raven knew he was trying to be nice but it was almost as overwhelming as what he was doing before. He had gotten it right with the plush turtle when he went inside her room, but this time his apologies were simply too much. And Beast Boy could tell she wasn't any happier and none of it was working. She had actually asked him to stop a few times. He had a feeling that she'd actually be upset if she only had the energy for that.
Beast Boy sat down next to Starfire after dinner and exhaled in frustration. "I'm trying to make it right with Rae, you know. I really am. But nothing is working! She seems even more annoyed with me than yesterday."
"Do you want my advice?" Kory smiled at her friend.
"Sure! I need help!" He gestured to himself desperately.
"You need to think about friend Raven and do stuff that she would like."
One could almost see the lamp over his head lighting up. Right. Duh. "Thanks, Star!" He ran out to his room.
The next morning Raven slept in. When she did go into the ops room to meditate by the window in her lotus position, nobody bothered her. She felt a wave of relief as she wasn't interrupted for the first time in weeks and was able to finish her meditation in peace. When she was done, Garfield approached her with a mug.
"Hey, Rae. Sorry about yesterday. I decided to pamper you properly now, so I gave you some space. And if that's okay I made you tea. Kory told me how you take it. I hope it's good."
The empath blinked blankly at him and then narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You…gave me space…and made me tea?" She eyed the mug as if it was poisoned. It sounded too good to be true. When did this dawn of sensitivity hit him?
"Yeah…Kory gave me some advice." He grinned sheepishly at her.
Starfire. Thank Azar for Starfire. Raven took the mug from him and sipped the tea. It warmed her insides wonderfully. She smiled softly at him. "Mmm…well this is much nicer. Thank you."
His grin grew even wider and she thought his face would split in two.
"So you're gonna let me redeem myself properly then? I know you said you'd forgive me anyway but I hope you let me do something about it…I…I feel really bad."
Raven thought about it for a moment. If this was any indication of how things would be she could get used to it. "Sure, I'll take your kindness." She sipped her tea again and he beamed. "How long are you planning to keep this up for?"
"As long as it takes!" He spread his arms wide for effect.
She chuckled at his antics. She felt better already. It would be extremely healing to just have him be extra nice to her for a while. She wasn't expecting it and she needed to struggle not to smile with all her teeth. He does care. It was just a temporary lapse of judgement.
"I got you something. It's not flowers or chocolate or any of that. I promise."
Garfield handed her a badly wrapped rectangular flat present and her eyes sparkled because she knew what it was.
"You got me a book?" Raven asked him, finding it harder and harder to stay mad.
"Yeah. So…I don't really read that much, you know. Well, you do know." He chuckled coyly. "But…I read that one. I read the whole series."
Raven had already opened it and was now running her fingers over the cover admiring it. Percy Jackson and the Olympians – The Lightning Thief. She'd heard of it, of course. She did like to read fantasy. She just usually read darker, heavier fantasy. She could use some light reading though. Besides, knowing Beast Boy had read an entire series of books surprised her. It had to be good. She was distracted thinking about how much she loved the smell of new books when she realized he was still standing there nervously. The empath looked up at him.
"I don't know, maybe it's silly or childish for you, but…"
"I love it."
And just like that she opened it to the first page and started reading as she floated away, leaving a very proud and very relieved Beast Boy behind.
Later at dinner she sat down next to him. "I finished it. I really like it. Thanks."
"Seriously!? It took me weeks to read it! You're a monster." He immediately felt like adding to that. "Like, in the best possible way."
"I am a demon. A half-breed one, anyway. And a witch." She offered him a small smile. She was in such a good mood. "So technically yes, I'm a monster."
"Yeah but your healing magic doesn't feel demonic though. It feels heavenly." Beast Boy was still ashamed of abusing it, but it really did feel good.
"That's a stretch." Raven nudged him playfully. "Stop exaggerating."
"I'm serious!" Garfield laughed whole-heartedly. "You know what you are? You're an angel from Hell." He beamed at her while chewing on his tofu.
Raven wasn't sure why that made her stomach twirl a bit. Probably because it's really corny. But she just rolled her eyes and kept eating the pasta dish Garfield had made for her. It was delicious. Everyone else felt extremely relieved watching their cute little skit. Raven still looked worn out but she definitely looked happier. Robin nodded approvingly at Beast Boy and Beast Boy silently mouthed thankou to Starfire the first time their eyes met. She just smiled at him.
"Kor, I know he took your advice." Raven reached out to Starfire after dinner. "I just wanted to say thank you. It feels…nice."
"Oh friend Raven I am so pleased!" The alien princess giggled like a school girl and moved closer to her friend to whisper. "How long will Beast Boy be as they say in the dog house?"
"Just until I'm fully recovered and healed, of course."
For the following days, Beast Boy did Raven's laundry – except her delicates, of course – and brought her pillows when she was on the couch, made her tea in the morning, left her alone whenever she wanted, didn't tell her any jokes or teased her at all. And for each day, he gave her one more Percy Jackson book. When he'd given her all of them, he bought her some scented candles. Lavender.
And they actually started spending time together. He was always close in case she needed something so eventually they talked about the books and shared opinions. Then Beast Boy started letting Raven pick movies for them to watch. They scared him for life but it was a price he was willing to pay. Raven was in awe with his commitment and she was fonder of him than ever. But she was fully recovered now. She'd already told Robin she was ready to go back to training. Now she had to tell Beast Boy he was officially forgiven.
"Sooo, what are we watching tonight? Nosferatu? Rosemary's Baby?" Garfield sat next to her on the couch.
"Actually, I'm letting you off the hook." The sorcerer gestured to herself. "I'm healed and rested. And as for you…" She pointed at him. "You are forgiven."
Raven had expected him to be more excited about this. He seemed surprised and she could swear she sensed disappointment emanating from him.
"Oh…oh! Really? That's awesome. Thanks Rae." The shapeshifter shot her a quick smile then looked away.
"What is it?"
"It's just…I'm kind of having fun with you." Beast Boy was embarrassed to admit it but he really enjoyed her attention. It had been fun to see her warmer side. And she had really interesting opinions about stuff.
"Oh." Raven pressed her lips together to fight back a smile. She had been smiling too much lately, this couldn't be healthy. "Well, you don't need to stop all of it. Just, you know, stop doing my laundry and cooking for me. And buying me stuff. Also, you can stop holding back from talking nonsense, I know you're dying to. But if you want to keep giving me a little more space I'd appreciate it and if you want to eventually watch something together or talk about something I'd enjoy that. We're still friends." She shrugged casually.
From the look on his face it almost seemed like she'd told him he just won the lottery. She smiled internally. He's so stupid. So stupidly cute. Wait, what!? Where did THAT come from? She shook such thoughts out of her head and told him he could pick the movie.
"You'll watch whatever I pick? Like, the whole thing?"
"Sure, Gar."
Beast Boy froze and felt a weird warm wave of excitement rush through him. He loved that.
"What is it?" Raven frowned in concern as she felt his emotions.
"I really like that nickname." He gave her his best toothy grin.
"Oh, right." She hadn't even realized it. It just came out. "Well, I wouldn't get used to it."
He didn't say anything else, but there was no disappointment emanating from him. They both knew she would use it again. Beast Boy decided they were watching The Lion King and Raven's emotions may have accidentally exploded a lightbulb or two.
Flashback ends
Starfire and Raven both sat across from each other on Starfire' s bed.
"Yeah so obviously I can't be trusted when it comes to Beast Boy. For some embarrassing, mysterious reason."
"Then what will you do?"
"Meditate twice as much until he falls in love with someone?" Raven offered.
"That does sound like a plan."
"Not a great plan."
"Well, there are worse plans for sure." Starfire said gently.
Raven wasn't sure why, but she did feel better. They didn't resolve anything and she was still in trouble. But she felt better. Maybe girl talk did work after all.
Everything Sucks (Vaultboy)