Creep
Once Raven was warm enough to stop shaking, Kory carefully picked her up – if it had been easy for Beast Boy, it was ridiculously easy for her – and carried her to the bathroom. Garfield followed her and locked the door. They gently uncovered her and Kory used her strength to break the metal handcuffs binding her friend's wrists. Then they carefully got her out of the dirty clothes she was in. Kory frowned – her sorrow was starting to make room for rage now. She pushed it down, because there would be a proper time for that.
"It's okay Rae, it's just me and Gar." The Tamaranean said softly, stroking her friend's hair.
Raven nodded. If anyone could see her naked and vulnerable, it was these two. Not that she thought any of this was real. It was getting a bit too long for a hallucination, but maybe it was a dream. Or maybe she'd finally died and got into Heaven after all.
They carried her to the shower box and used the hand shower to slowly and silently bathe her with warm water. Her injuries ached and she winced a few times, but mostly it felt really nice. They cleaned her fresh wounds and washed the filth and dried blood off her scars. Starfire cut a bit of Raven's long hair because the ends were just beyond salvation, but she kept it as long as she could and washed it, gently massaging Raven's scalp. The water came out so filthy and bloody they were sure it would clog the drain.
Beast Boy leaned in every now and then to place sweet kisses on her skin, over her now clean bruises. Raven alternated between closing her eyes to enjoy it and weeping, because receiving this much love and affection after months of torture was a little overwhelming. When they finished, they carefully dried her off and bandaged her open wounds, then wrapped her in a fluffy and cozy dark robe. Raven feebly brushed her blood-stained teeth while Beast Boy slowly brushed her hair.
"Can you take her back to her room? I'll get some food and I think Dick has burn ointment." Kory smiled reassuringly at Beast Boy. "BB, it will be okay."
Garfield picked Raven up the same way he had before. She immediately accepted it and this time her hands were free, so she wrapped her arms around his neck. He felt his heart flutter and smiled at her, but she wasn't looking at him. Her head was resting on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and carried her to her room, and then he carefully placed her on a chair and changed the sheets because the ones he'd put there before were now dirty and bloody. When he picked her up and laid her on her bed again, Raven held onto his uniform so he couldn't properly straighten up.
"Don't leave." She whispered.
Under different circumstances, all of this would have made him so happy. But all he felt was heartache, because she was in so much pain.
"I won't leave you unless you tell me to. I promise." He kissed her forehead.
Raven relaxed and let go of him. "Gar…?"
"Yeah, Rae?"
"I don't want this to be the last time. I don't know why I said that."
It was true. She decided these moments of delusion were all she had now, and she needed them if she was going to stay strong.
Beast Boy smiled. "You mean you-"
"Let's start getting some of that strength back, yes?" Kory came in with a bowl of mac n' cheese and a bottle of water.
Raven's eyes widened. The smell was delicious. Garfield helped her sit up.
"Here, friend. You must eat something."
I never eat when I'm hallucinating. Raven frowned suspiciously as she took the bowl and ate a spoonful. It warmed her insides and brought her so much comfort she nearly cried. All she'd had for the past months were cold hard sandwiches with old bread and whatever that was inside – she hadn't dared to ask. She continued eating eagerly and gratefully drank from the bottle of water.
Kory bit her lip. "Slow down, Rae. You don't want to ge-"
Raven choked on the food and coughed a few times. It made every part of her body hurt, but right now she couldn't care less, so she just chuckled and wept at the same time before resuming her dinner. Starfire and Beast Boy smiled at her and exchanged a hopeful look that meant she's going to be okay.
"Thank you." The empath said, handing the empty bowl to Starfire.
Raven felt a dangerous spark of hope inside. She felt so much better. Hallucinating never made her feel like this. She decided to ignore it for now and not say it out loud.
"Rae, would you like to get some rest? You seem really tired. You can sleep, you're safe now." Koriand'r said.
"I'm not." Raven whispered, mostly to herself. "But yes."
Kory smiled sweetly. "Good night."
"I'm staying with her." Garfield said softly.
"I didn't expect anything different. Let me know if you need anything, okay? And here." Kory handed him the burn ointment. "And this is for the bruises." She gave him a different ointment.
"Good night, Star." Beast Boy smiled gratefully at her.
Kory kissed Raven's forehead and left.
Beast Boy helped Raven lie down and started applying ointment to the bruises on her face.
"Am I dead?" She asked quietly after a few seconds of bliss.
"What? Why would you think that?"
"Am I dreaming?"
He smiled sadly while tending to the bruise around her neck, being extra careful not to cause her more pain. "You don't need to believe me tonight, but I promise you're home."
She closed her eyes. "You've made that promise before."
His heart sank. "I have? I'm sorry. I mean, that wasn't me, but this is." He realized how confusing this probably was for her. "Is there anything I can do to prove you I'm real?"
Raven smiled slightly, with her eyes still closed. "I wish there was."
Garfield picked her hand up and kissed it, and he knew he was about to cry again. "I'm so sorry." He whispered quietly. "I'm so sorry it took so long."
"Don't talk about that." Not when I'm probably still there.
He swallowed his tears. "Okay."
"I think I'm dreaming. It feels more like a dream than a hallucination. It's…more detailed."
Beast Boy chuckled softly. "Did you dream about this a lot?"
"No, I haven't dreamed at all. I barely sleep. This is new. But it's nice."
He frowned. "They didn't even let you sleep?"
She rolled her eyes. "They're trying to break my spirit, why would they want me to rest?"
Garfield took a lock of her hair in his fingers and played with it. "You're amazing."
"I don't feel like someone who is amazing."
"Well, you are." He gently applied the burn ointment to her shoulder and chest.
Raven moaned. "Now that feels amazing."
Beast Boy smiled a little wider. He loved making her feel good. "I missed you so much."
"I know you're just a figment of my imagination, but…thank you. This gave me strength. I think I can taunt them again when I go back." The empath smirked.
"Oh, really? One shower and you're good to go?" He chuckled incredulously and moved to tend to her abdomen.
The way he touched her with so much care was making her feel amazing, and the smallest sounds of contentment kept escaping her lips. I hope I have this dream again. "Yes. It helped me remember I was happy once."
The shapeshifter's smile turned sad. He decided to do everything in his power to make her happy again.
"But I hope it doesn't go on for like, ten years. I don't know if I can last that long." Raven sighed.
"You don't know if you could last ten years?" Garfield couldn't help but chuckle. "I couldn't last the first week."
"That's not true." She said seriously. "Yes, he could. He's stronger than you're implying."
Beast Boy's heavy heart fluttered a little as he tended to her legs. "If you say so."
"He's been through so much and he still smiles so brightly. That's strength." The empath whispered with her eyes closed.
Garfield's lips spread in a gigantic grin, but as soon as he looked up to beam at her, it fell. He couldn't get used to it. Every time he saw her, he wanted to cry all over again. No one was used to seeing Raven hurt because she usually just healed herself, so it was strange to see her like this. It also felt… wrong. Like she should never feel like this.
"Hold me?" She suddenly whispered.
Beast Boy froze as his heart raced wildly. "I want to. More than anything. But…I don't want to hurt you."
She was physically frail right now. If he even fidgeted a little during the night he could make things worse.
"Turn into something small and cuddle with me, then." She suggested.
Now Beast Boy did beam at her. "You're so smart."
He turned into a kitten and she held him against her bandaged chest.
"'Night, Gar." Raven whispered before drifting off to peaceful sleep. Best. Dream. Ever.
The next morning, Raven grumbled lazily as she woke up in her own bed for the first time in over eight months. She felt the softness of the mattress and the pillow, the warmth of her robe and blankets, the soothing effect of medicine over her wounds and something furry and small breathing heavily against her chest. Sure, her body was still painfully sore and electrifying shots of blinding pain paralyzed her every now and then if she moved a certain way, but compared to…she frowned. Is this…this can't be real. Raven gathered up the courage to slowly open her eyes and nearly fainted. She was in her room. There was a snoring green kitten snuggled against her chest.
She shook him gently. "Gar?"
Beast Boy woke up and looked around, confused for a moment, before turning human. And then he looked at her and his heart broke all over again. He'd forgotten how hurt she was. He would never get used to it. But he managed a kind smile, because she was alive and safe. "Morning, RaeRae."
Raven tried to sit up too fast and winced in pain.
"Woah, easy. You're hurt." Beast Boy helped her. He noticed she looked a little desperate.
"I…what's going on? How am I still here?"
"I told you yesterday. You're home." The shapeshifter stroked her cheek and tucked her hair behind her ear.
Raven looked around her room and panted. "But…I…I can't be."
Garfield frowned. "Why not?"
"No one would ever find me. That's what…he made sure…" Her voice trailed off.
"I mean, that's true. We couldn't find you." Beast Boy felt incredibly ashamed saying it out loud. "But…Slade's daughter helped."
Raven's heart dared to hope for the first time in…well, what felt like forever. She turned her head to him. "Rose?!"
Garfield nodded. "I suppose. Platinum hair, eye-patch, angry looking? She thought it was safer not to tell you, because you were…confused. But…she told us where you were."
She stared at him with an expression he had never seen on her before. Her eyes were wide, watery and childish. Her lips were trembling. Raven looked a little lost, a little scared, a little hopeful and completely unguarded. A single tear rolled down her cheek announcing there were many more to come.
Beast Boy was mesmerized by this sudden display of vulnerability and it made him want to take her in his arms and kiss her passionately, but he couldn't do that. She was badly bruised and he wasn't even sure she still felt that way about him. She was too confused about everything for him to jump to positive conclusions because of last night.
"I-I'm really h-here?" Raven dared to ask in an almost inaudible whisper.
Beast Boy nodded at her, staring deeply into her eyes. "You're really here."
The empath swallowed and closed her eyes, causing several tears to roll down her cheeks this time, and then she opened them to stare even more vulnerably at him. "S-so…last night…everything that…you…you rescued me?"
Garfield had to grab the sheets to relax. "Yeah Rae, everything about last night was real. It really did happen; you're really here with me."
"I-I'm in…do I live in Titan Tower? Is this it? Are we there? Or is…is it standing? Does it exist?" Raven started talking to herself, frowning in confusion.
Garfield's face fell again. What's going on? "Rae, are you okay?" Stupid question, Garfield. "I mean…yes, we're in Titan Tower. It's your home. Our home."
"Oh." Raven muttered. And then she looked up at him with that same fragile expression. "I…you… thank you."
She sobbed, but this time because of happy tears. Tears of relief. Raven instinctively leaned down to cry into his chest. Beast Boy jumped slightly at the sudden contact, but he quickly regained control and held her tenderly, trying to tell his heart this didn't necessarily mean anything romantic.
"Shh…it's okay…I got you. You're safe now." Garfield stroked her hair.
This made him feel better. It was the only thing that made it bearable. How much it hurt to see her like this, how guilty he felt for how she was captured and for how long it took to save her, how angry he was at the monsters who did this to her, it all became bearable when he directed everything he had to taking care of her and making her feel better. He silently hoped that she would continue to let him. Taking care of her was all he wanted to do right now.
Raven finally straightened up after several minutes of bawling her eyes out. "You have no idea…" She started wiping her cheeks a little too harshly, which caused her to wince in pain.
Beast Boy reached out and gently removed her hands from her face. "Shh, don't do it like that. Here." He took a tissue and carefully dried her cheeks. "Did anyone ever tell you that you're kinda really beautiful when you cry?"
The empath frowned pitifully at him. "I don't usually cry much, Garfield."
"True." The shapeshifter chuckled. "But you are. Just so you know."
Yeah, right. I'm sure I look great right now all black and blue. "I can't believe I'm here." Raven felt a little overwhelmed, so she let out a few more sobs, but she smiled.
"I'm so sorry it took so long. And I…I'm so sorry you g-" His voice cracked. It was his turn to sob compulsively. "You got captured saving me. I'm so, so, sorry. I-"
Raven put a finger on his lips to silence him and stared into his eyes. "No, stop. Don't apologize. Please." She whispered. "None of it was your fault. And…you saved me. I was in Hell. And you pulled me out."
Beast Boy's eyes widened as he immediately recognized the words he'd said to her last Halloween, nearly a year ago. His heart soared and he was afraid to speak and say the wrong thing, so he just smiled at her.
"I know it wasn't the glamourous rescue you probably fantasized about…" Her voice was still hoarse and weak, but her tone was playful. "…you know, with me looking revoltingly disgusting and everything, but…thank you."
She's making jokes again. I love her so much. He beamed at her. "You could never look disgusting. It was revolting, but you could never look disgusting."
Raven looked down and smiled sadly, but Garfield didn't notice because he was too relieved.
"Oh, Rae!" Beast Boy said in a high-pitched voice, moving to remove her bracelets. "Now that you're okay I'll take these off and you can-"
Raven swiftly pulled both her arms away from him and kept them close to her body.
"…Rae? You can heal now. You don't have to be in pain anymore."
She stared at her sheets, her face blank again. "No, I can't."
"Yes, you can. The only reason I didn't remove them last night was because I thought you were a little out of it bu-"
"And you were right. It was a good call; a smart call." She took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm not okay, Beast Boy." Raven gathered up the courage to look at him. He looked absolutely broken. "I…didn't you see me cry just now? I'm not in control. I'm just so terribly hurt and angry it's paralyzing. And I'm still scared this is all a trick. And I'm…confused. I'm not sure who I am."
"You're Raven." The shapeshifter thought he might start crying again.
"That much I know. But some of my memories are false." She saw that he looked confused, so she elaborated. "I know it because…they don't fit. Some of my memories contradict each other. They drugged me and…I think they were trying to change them so I'd lose hope. Or maybe they just wanted to confuse me."
"Oh…" Garfield felt his eyes well up again. Don't cry, you'll make her feel bad. Suck it up. Then he thought of something. "Is that why you asked me if I was there to kill you yesterday?"
Raven bit her lip – and immediately regretted it, because it was cut and swollen. She did want to ask him about this. "Did you ever? You can tell me."
"Did I ever…what?"
"Did you ever try to kill me?" Raven whispered, looking into his eyes.
A look of complete shock and outrage crossed Beast Boy's face. "Are you serious!?" He realized she was serious, because she just sustained her stare. "Of course not, Rae."
The empath exhaled, then frowned and averted her gaze, looking even more confused. "But I…I remember it so clearly."
"What do you remember? Please tell me."
"I…you tried to sacrifice me to get Terra back. And then…there's this one recent memory…you accused me of manipulating your emotions to make you fall for me and…you were really angry and Slade said that's why you helped them capture me. And everyone trying to kill me so Trigon wouldn't ascend, I remember that too." She muttered quietly. "But then…that doesn't really add up with…I…I'm just so confused."
Raven cradled her head in her hands. And then she felt his hands over hers and looked up to see his miserable face. This boy can't have done these things to me. He can't have. She let him bring her hands down to her lap.
"Raven, please listen to me. That did not happen. None of that happened. I would never hurt you." He said firmly, softly caressing her cheek with his thumb.
She closed her eyes and melted under his touch. Nobody touches someone they resent or hate this tenderly. "I believe you."
Garfield realized he'd been holding his breath and exhaled. "Good. So…they were trying to…brainwash you or something?"
The sorcerer nodded. "I'd say they succeeded. I'm not sure what to do about it yet, but…I'll figure it out. I'll be okay." She told him reassuringly. "But I'm not there yet. I feel…on edge. I just can't handle my powers right now. I can't trust myself with them."
That did comfort Beast Boy. She just needs a little time. He looked at her with big, pleading eyes. "Will you let me keep taking care of you?"
Raven smiled sadly. "Is that really what you want?"
"More than anything."
"Good. I think I want that too."
Beast Boy's signature toothy grin came back. And then someone knocked on the door. He sniffed. "Kory. And Dick."
Raven just nodded at him and he went to open the door. They both silently gasped in shock when they saw her again. They too had forgotten how bad it was.
"Hey, Rae. How are you feeling?" Dick asked in a kind voice.
"Better." The sorcerer answered truthfully. "But also useless. And angry."
Starfire sat down on Raven's bed. "Oh, friend, I shall not hug you so that I don't injure you further but I wish I could!"
"You could never be useless." Robin said pointedly. "And you get to be angry. But…if you feel better, what are those still doing there?" He pointed at the artefacts on her wrists.
Raven explained the situation to them while Garfield held her hand and rubbed soothing circles into her palm with his thumb.
"Okay. Yes, that's…of course." Robin nodded. "That just means we'll nurse you for a bit until your mind heals. Then you can finish healing your body." He said confidently.
"That's the plan." Raven stated.
"And I think you should ask about your memories." Beast Boy said. "Whatever you remember, if it seems odd, just ask us and we'll tell you if it's real or not." He lightly squeezed her hand.
"Yes. And maybe we can resume the meditating. It could be the most helpful!" Starfire smiled.
Raven felt a lot of things she hadn't felt in a long time. She felt all warm and fuzzy inside. She felt welcome, and comforted, and protected. She felt her heart a lot lighter. And she felt loved. "I agree with all of that but can I have something to eat first?"
They laughed fondly and Dick and Kory left to get her some breakfast. The others were already hanging out by the kitchen counter and watched them expectantly.
"So…how is she?" Damian broke the silence.
Dick inhaled. "She's…better."
"Can we see her?" Terra asked.
"Why are your eyes all swollen?" Damian looked between Dick and Kory. "I know you're all emotional people, but you seem sad. Something is wrong."
"Yeah, guys." Cyborg said with an arm around Jinx, who had come over for breakfast. "You're freaking us out a bit."
Robin sighed. "Okay, listen. We can't remove her power-blockers yet because…well, she's not…she's not really herself right now." He made a pause and looked at his confused friends. "And…I'll be blunt with you. It's so much worse than you think. It's…" He bit his lip. "It's really bad. They did a number on her."
Now they were starting to get it. They remembered the smell when Beast Boy walked past them with her in his arms. Even Jinx looked genuinely concerned.
"I know you want to see her, but it would really overwhelm her right now. Last night she couldn't even believe she had been rescued. And…Beast Boy's the only witness to this, but I think she cried a lot just now based on what her eyes look like." He continued. "I've never even seen her really cry before."
Cyborg frowned. "Dick, is she…you know, in there?"
Richard nodded. "She's in there, yes. But she's a little broken. Besides…she's really wounded. I mean, trust me; you don't want to go in there. And she doesn't want you to see her like that. Raven is a proud person and right now she's…well, fragile. So just give her a little time."
Terra looked skeptical at the mention of Raven being fragile, but then Kory gave her a confirmation nod before taking Raven breakfast and she swallowed dryly.
"Well, I'm pissed. When are we getting these guys?" Damian said, leaning against the wall.
"The sooner the better, little brother. Want to help me locate them?" Richard said, earning an agreeing smile back from the younger boy.
Beast Boy didn't leave Raven's side. After she had her breakfast the trouble alarm went off, but Starfire told him he could stay – which he already planned to do anyway. He would go if he was needed, of course, but staying with her was his priority at the moment. Right now he was sitting on her bed with her feet over his lap as he read a fantasy novel to her. He looked up when she suddenly started moving and grunting in pain.
"What are you doing!?"
"I need to use the bathroom." Raven said as she pulled and pushed her legs out of bed. The pain was blinding her a little.
"No, wait. I'll carry you." Garfield immediately put the book aside.
"Nonsense. I'm not completely helpless." She stated plainly as she tried to stand up, only to realize she wasn't nearly strong enough for this. The empath faltered and was only kept from disastrously falling down because of a pair of green arms around her.
Raven frowned when she realized she had to look up to look at him. When did he get this tall?
He helped her sit on the bed again. "Will you stop that? I know you're not used to being hurt, but you need to be careful."
She rolled her eyes. Maybe I AM completely helpless. "Fine. But just so you know, I'm not amused by this damsel in distress thing."
Beast Boy blushed and chuckled sheepishly. "Noted. Put your arms on my shoulders."
He picked her up the same way he had before. This time she was much more awake and aware of everything, so she noticed something while he was carrying her. Something she hadn't noticed before. He wasn't just taller. He was stronger. He was still lean, but there were very nicely defined muscles that certainly weren't there before.
"Rae?"
Raven snapped out of it to see him smirking at her. She realized she had been staring.
"See something you like?" Garfield asked her with a smug smile on his face.
She flushed and scoffed. He just chuckled breezily.
And then Raven realized there really wasn't a reason to deny it or even be embarrassed about it. "Well, as a matter of fact…when did that happen?" She stared unapologetically again.
Beast Boy's smile slowly faded away.
"Oh…right. In the last eight months." Raven whispered.
He carefully put her down since they had been in the bathroom already for several seconds now. "Ah…do you need help w-"
"Not a chance." Raven leaned on the toilet. "I got this. Please, leave."
"All right well I'll wait and you let me know when you're done and I'll carry you back."
"Yes, okay. You don't need to say it. Just…don't wait by the door. Go eat some tofu or something. You're vegan, right? Or is that false?"
"Yes, I am. But what if you trip and you need-"
"Garfield, please let me pee alone."
Beast Boy chuckled coyly. "Okey dokey."
When he was carrying her back to her room, Raven blushed. She couldn't unsee it now.
"By the way, you look nice." She said bluntly. Let's give credit where credit is due.
She shouldn't be surprised. She remembered when this happened to Richard. He had to make a bunch of new uniforms because he was suddenly as tall as Starfire. But for some reason she wasn't expecting it to happen to Beast Boy. Raven was also painfully aware he had never looked better while she had never looked worse.
Beast Boy's heart skipped a beat and he beamed proudly at her. "You like it? I've been working out a lot."
"I just said it, didn't I?"
"It wouldn't kill you to repeat it, you know?" He teased, still holding her in his arms easily – though he was already standing in front of her bed.
"I think it could. Also, you're a little too amused by the damsel in distress thing. You can put me down now."
The shapeshifter smiled sheepishly and lowered her to the bed, resuming his place with her feet on his lap. "My bad. I got carried away."
"You don't…" Raven wondered if she was about to ask a question she didn't want to hear the answer to, but she needed to know. "You don't like me better like this, right?"
His head shot up in shock. "What!?"
"I just…you know." She shrugged weakly.
Garfield was deeply offended at first. Then he looked at her and saw the bruises and the cuts and burn marks and he took a deep breath. "Raven, seeing you this hurt is the worst experience of my life. You know, other than the last eight months." He said in a serious voice.
She nodded slowly and felt her heart fill with relief. "Okay. Sorry I asked."
"But not the taking care of you part." He added quickly. "That part doesn't suck. You totally melt me when you're cute and vulnerable with me. But I hate that you're hurt and miserable. I'm trying to change that."
Raven narrowed her eyes at him. "Okay. Can you read some more, please?"
Over the next few days, he only left her to get them food, take showers, use the bathroom or pick something up in his room. On the first few nights, Raven tried sleeping alone, but she had dreadful nightmares and woke up scared and thinking she was back in the bunker, screaming and panting and crying. So now Beast Boy slept in her room. As soon as her pain got a little more bearable, he slept in human form and held her in her sleep, so he could immediately calm and comfort her when she woke up in the middle of the night.
Her fractured mind cracked every now and then and she started wondering if this was even her life or some twisted delusion. She was still almost entirely dependent on others – which mostly meant Beast Boy – and it was starting to get to her. She didn't want to see anyone other than Dick, Kory and Garfield until she could at least look at herself in the mirror without flinching at the sight. She could walk with some help now. And Beast Boy still tended to her wounds every day.
Right now he was doing push-ups so he didn't get out of shape – since he wasn't doing any training or going to fight crime with the others – while she watched him from her bed with a book in her hands.
Beast Boy looked up and noticed Raven staring with a mysterious expression on her face. "What?"
"Nothing." She shrugged. "I was just bitterly contemplating how the tables have turned, I guess."
He frowned in confusion and went to sit beside her on her bed. "Huh? What tables?"
Raven absentmindedly smiled at his cluelessness before rolling her eyes. "Oh, you know. How the mighty have fallen. How the power balance has shifted. You pick."
Beast Boy blinked at her. "Raven, I have no idea what you're talking about."
She closed her book to stare at him pointedly. "Seriously? I'm talking about you doing one-arm push-ups while I can't even pick up a book from the top shelf. I'm talking about me being so stupidly pathetic I need you to hug me at night because I keep dreaming about getting my ass kicked. I'm talking about the fact that my entire body aches but I can't even fix it because I'm too messed up to control my own powers."
Raven hadn't meant to sound harsh, not really, but her voice got considerably higher as she went on. When she stopped talking he was staring at her silent, wide-eyed and with a pained look on his face.
"I just, I hate this, Gar. I hate it. I hate it so much."
Raven buried her face in her hands, only to wince in pain like it happened every time she forgot how hurt she was, and then she grunted in frustration and looked away from him, because this whole outburst had been absolutely shameful. I don't even know why he's still here. He's definitely over me by now.
"You…you hate that I'm taking care of you." Beast Boy stated so sadly one could practically hear his heart breaking.
He tried not to look too sad, because he didn't think it was fair to make her feel bad about this. She obviously didn't have to like being vulnerable around him. He figured it was his own fault for convincing himself she was so comfortable and open with him that she didn't mind this. Of course she minds it. She probably wishes it was anyone else.
Raven turned her head to look at him and realized she'd accidentally broken his blessed little heart. "Azar, help me. No, Beast Boy, I don't."
"You do. That's okay, you don't have t-"
"Beast Boy, listen to me." She said firmly. "You taking care of me is the one nice thing about this whole nightmare. Okay?"
That changed his expression from sadness to surprise. "Oh."
"I'm very grateful. You're really sweet and it's been really… healing. I promise."
Garfield's emotional eyes stared at her dreamily and glistened with joy and satisfaction. "You really mean that?"
"I do."
He felt so happy he forgot to address the original issue until he realized she still looked sad and frustrated. "But then…what's wrong? I mean, apart from the obvious."
"What's wrong is I'm utterly, disgustingly powerless." She said bitterly. "I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I hate being so… weak. I hate not being in control. I hate that they did what they did to me and I can't just go back to what I used to be." Her breathing became shaky with frustration. "And it makes me so angry. I'm angry all the time."
"You're not weak." Beast Boy quickly pointed out.
"Garfield!" Raven's voice rose unusually high and she knew she was about to cry again. "Look at me!" She brought both her hands to her chest.
The shapeshifter forced himself to look and tried his best to hide how much it hurt him.
"See? You can't even look at me without feeling pity. I hate this part." The empath's voice was low again, but still strangled.
"I don't pity you! It's not pity, it's…" He trailed off, desperately searching his brain for a word to replace love. He didn't find one. "Raven, you endured eight months in there and you weren't even close to caving. You are not worthy of pity."
She sighed and rested her forehead on her knee. "Well I was strong there. I had to be. I would have endured years, you know?"
"I know. That's what I'm sayin-"
"But now that I'm here and I'm out of danger…" Raven looked up at him with watery eyes. "I'm just so tired of being a fortress."
"Good." Garfield took her hands in his. "You don't have to be. Not anymore."
"But that's making me weak." She sobbed. "I should be fine by now. It's been days. I can't get over it; I can't take control again and my mind just comes and goes. I don't recognize myself and I don't like this failure version of me." She looked away from him again and whispered her next words. "And I want you to stay, but I also hate that you have to see me like this."
Beast Boy's heart was so tight it was physically painful. He got on his knees on her bed and sat down on his ankles. "Raven, you're not the failure, I'm the failure! They used me to get to you and I let them like an idiot and then I couldn't do the one thing you needed me to do which was to find you! I couldn't find you for eight months! I'm the failure. I don't even know why you don't hate me!"
And then he sobbed again.
For once, Raven's face was just as tortured as his. She reached out and stroked his cheeks, wiping his tears. "Don't say that. That's not true."
Beast Boy looked up in shock at her touch and then he closed his eyes with a much more peaceful expression on his face. "You're perfect."
It was just a whisper, and he hadn't meant to say it out loud, but he couldn't really regret it. Except then she suddenly pulled her hand away and when he opened his eyes he realized he'd definitely said something wrong, because she looked hurt.
"Don't mock me." Raven whispered.
He frowned. "What are you talking about? Can't you see that I idolize you!?" He said truthfully, looking into her violet eyes. "Do you even know what you do to me? You've completely ruined me, Raven. No one will ever inspire me as much or make me as weak in the knees!"
She had been returning his gaze, but she looked away at that. He's still amazing at flattery. It hurt her that she couldn't enjoy this sweet declaration because she couldn't conceive how he could possibly mean any of it at the moment. It didn't help that she couldn't sense him now.
"That was when I was strong and mysterious. Now I'm nothing." Raven frowned.
"You are everything. You're insane if you think any of this changes who you are or takes your power away, but you're everything."
Her face softened up considerably. "I don't feel like everything. And I definitely don't feel powerful."
"Okay, so you're vulnerable right now. It happens to the best of us, which is you by the way; you're the best of us. But you're human…or at least half-human." He chuckled slightly. "You still get hurt. It doesn't change who you are, right? I saw it when I rescued you. They can break your body or even your mind, but your spirit is unbendable."
Raven was a little taken aback by how much admiration she saw in his eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"And Raven, there's no version of you I could see that would change how I feel."
"Gar…that…"
"I like all of you. I like powerful you and I like angry you and I like vulnerable you too. I prefer seeing you happy, obviously, which is why I want to help you get there again, but I really like all versions of you." Beast Boy was careful enough to replace the word love in his mind before he started speaking this time.
A few silent tears rolled down Raven's cheeks as she stared at him wide-eyed. She carefully wiped them with her sleeve and sniffled. "This isn't the vulnerable version. This is the broken, shadow of my former self version. Are you sure you like this?"
"I don't like that you're suffering, it breaks my heart in a million pieces. But I still like you, yes. Like, a lot."
The empath frowned incredulously and shook her head, allowing her lips to curve up slightly. "And when I no longer need you the way I do now…will any part of you miss this?"
Garfield bit his lip, trying to decide if he was brave enough to be honest about this. He decided he needed to be. "Maybe a small part of me will, but I'll get over it. If you needing me didn't mean you hurting this much, then I'd probably enjoy it, I admit. But as it is, I…I just really want to see you smile again."
Raven nodded slowly. "Mmm. Well. Damn you." She whispered playfully.
Beast Boy tilted his head in confusion. Is she mad? She doesn't sound mad.
She smirked. "It's hard to pick a fight when I can't find anything wrong with your answers. Damn you."
The shapeshifter grinned childishly and brightly at her, almost in the carefree way he used to before any of this happened. He felt really bold for a moment and got on all fours on the bed, so his face was only inches away from hers. "By the way…" He whispered. "You may not feel powerful but you still have complete power over me."
Raven kissed him before she could even think about it. He was openly seducing her and it was just too tempting. Actually, she just softly brushed her bruised lips against his, because that was all she could do without wincing in pain, but it still made him quiver. She smiled against his lips. "Good to know."
When she pulled away, Beast Boy was frozen in place for several seconds while his heart pounded in his chest. Then he suddenly smiled dreamily. "I did not think you were going to do that."
"Guess I'm full of surprises."
Later that day, Raven decided she wanted to see Terra, Cyborg and Damian. So now they were in the ops room and her head was on Beast Boy's lap as he flipped through the channels and they waited for everyone to come back from fighting whatever villain was causing trouble. Raven knew things were getting worse. Slade had been recruiting more people to his side – or Darkseid's side, since his plan to cross Darkseid was history now. She knew she needed to rejoin the fight soon and the pressure wasn't making her feel better. Not that anyone other than herself had been pressuring her. Beast Boy lazily ran his fingers through her hair.
"So…memory check." Raven said, immediately getting his full attention. "This is going to sound silly, but…did I ever, uh, sing to get you not to eat me?" She cringed slightly.
Garfield smiled fondly at the memory. "Amazingly enough, that one is real."
The empath grunted. "How unfortunate."
Beast Boy chuckled light-heartedly. He looked at her and realized her scars and bruises were a little lighter. There were no fresh wounds anymore and she'd gained some weight. Not to mention she didn't look as exhausted and her voice was going back to normal as the bruise around her neck began to heal. He felt indescribably grateful for it. It would still be a shock to the others, though, which is why his head turned around as soon as the elevator doors opened.
"Hold up! Everyone freeze!" Beast Boy shouted dramatically.
They stopped and stared quizzically at him.
"Before you come any closer…you should know Raven is here on the couch." Garfield elaborated.
Dick and Kory smiled widely while Terra, Cyborg and Damian rushed towards the shapeshifter.
"Waaaait!" Garfield raised a hand to stop them and they grunted in frustration. "First, I must warn you, nothing you've ever seen has prepared you for this, so-"
"Oh for Azar's sake, Garfield." Raven grunted in pain as she slowly sat up on the couch. "Just tell them I look awful."
The three Titans quickly made their way to the couch, but as soon as they laid eyes on her they froze. Raven was wearing a loose t-shirt and shorts, so they didn't really see a lot of her wounds, but they saw her face and most of her arms and legs. Cyborg looked horrified, Terra looked like she was about to cry and Damian just looked angry.
"Hi, guys." Raven waved at them.
"Oh my God…" Terra grimaced. She knew Slade and she had imagined he'd been cruel, but she hadn't imagined this. "Rae…"
Cyborg's expression turned serious. "They need to pay for this."
"They will." Dick said pointedly as he and Kory moved closer. They had been helping out too. Dick usually made Raven's meals and Kory usually helped her shower.
"What's that?" Cyborg pointed at Raven's neckline where the deep dark omega symbol was showing slightly.
The empath pulled her tee's collar down enough for them to see it. "They branded me with his symbol. On my thighs too."
Beast Boy frowned at her. "You don't have to-"
"It's okay." Raven gave him a reassuring small smile.
"They did what!?" Terra's pain made way for anger. "That's just fucked up!"
"I'm sorry I took so long to see you guys, I just…I was a bit broken. I'm still not okay." The sorcerer said softly. "Besides, this is actually a lot better. I looked much worse when you all found me and I didn't really want more people to see that. I'm sure it was very disturbing. Dick puked, actually."
Richard gasped as everyone immediately stared at him. "I-I…"
"It's okay, I wasn't offended." Raven chuckled slightly.
Everyone but Damian – who seemed completely out of it – offered her sad smiles.
"Good. And it was disturbing." Richard frowned. "How did you…I mean…"
"There was a point I was resisting out of spite, to be honest." The empath chuckled again. "My one pleasure was ruining their plans."
That made them smile more genuinely. Well, except for Damian.
"You're awfully quiet."
Damian Wayne shook his head when he realized Raven was talking to him and tried to get a hold of his anger for long enough to be nice to her. "Sorry, I…hey, Doomsday." He offered her a broken smile. "Raven."
The empath returned his smile with a reassuring look. "I'm going to be okay. I promise."
"I know." Damian said, a little more confidently.
"I am Doomsday after all." Raven said playfully, finally getting a chuckle out of him.
Cyborg had been watching the loving way Beast Boy stared at Raven and held her hand through the whole thing.
"Rae and BB, we have some news." Starfire said in a soft voice. "Damian and Dick uncovered some important information today. We know when Darkseid gets here."
Raven's eyes got huge and she inhaled sharply. "When!?"
Everyone but Garfield stared at her quizzically for a moment because of this sudden emotional and out-of-character behavior, but she didn't even notice because she was simply too worried.
"Two months." Kory said.
Raven exhaled. She was silent for a few seconds and when she spoke again her voice was low, confident and almost menacing. "That's more than enough time. I'll be there with you."
This had been a concern for a while now. Even though Slade and the others hadn't enslaved her, they could have gotten her off the board for the big game. But now she knew she had time and she wasn't the only one relieved about that. The mood got a little lighter.
"So, I have some news of my own. This seems like a perfect moment." Dick blurted out, getting everyone's attention. He cleared his throat. "I will no longer be Robin."
Shocked gasps took over the ops room. Starfire just smiled because she knew him too well to be surprised about this. Raven raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean you'll no longer be Robin!? Are you leaving us!?" Beast Boy asked dramatically. Then Raven whispered something in his ear and he calmed down. "Ohhh, you're just changing your codename, I see."
Dick chuckled. "Yes, it seems like it's time. I've been Robin for a while and…well…honestly, I think I'm a little old for it."
"We all do, dude." Cyborg stated plainly, earning a glare from Dick and light-hearted laughter from everyone else.
"But wait. That means there will be no Robin in the world!" Garfield started freaking out again.
Starfire noticed the affectionate way Raven rolled her eyes at him.
"I mean, there have been other Robins..." Dick scratched his head. He'd definitely held on to this title for too long. "In fact, I was kind of hoping that…" He directed his gaze towards his brother.
Damian unfolded his arms and widened his eyes in shock. Am I reading this right?
Richard shrugged and smiled. "I mean, only if you want to…"
"You want me to be Robin?" Damian frowned.
"Well, if that's something you want. I'd love to pass it on to my little brother. I think my old uniforms would fit you."
Starfire squealed happily.
"I…don't know what to say." The young boy said.
"Say yes or no. Either way it's okay." Dick said truthfully.
Damian smiled at his brother, letting his guard down for once. "Then…yes. I'd like that."
Raven smiled approvingly. Then everyone else either squeaked loudly or shouted and cheered, making her flinch. Beast Boy instinctively wrapped a protective arm around her.
"You okay?" The shapeshifter whispered to the girl next to him.
Raven smiled again, nodded at him and straightened up.
"Oh what marvelous news!" Starfire beamed.
"So what's your name going to be?" Damian smirked at his big brother.
"I'm…still working on that." Richard admitted. His brainstorming hadn't been as satisfying as he'd hoped.
"Memory check." Raven suddenly said. When everyone looked at her, she continued. "Kory traveled to the future once. And she found out we could change it. But still…"
"That's right, I did." Starfire answered, smiling at her best friend because she already knew where she was going with this.
Richard smiled. "That's right, I forgot. What was it, babe? It had a nice ring to it."
Koriand'r sighed dreamily. "…Nightwing."
Creep (Radiohead)
Oh, by the way, if you've never heard the version with Haley Reinhart singing this one, you totally should it's so good.