krumelmonster: I'm so sorry, but I think it's going to ache a bit more...I can only promise to make it up to you later hehe.
Fair warning: I think this is probably the most heartbreaking chapter in the whole fic. I'll try to update again soon, though! xD
Rolling in the Deep
There was no choice for Raven. She had to go. She'd made the choice the second Radiant explained what it meant. It meant something she never thought she could ever have and yet she had longed for her entire life. It meant peace, forgiveness, freedom and a higher purpose. The only problem was figuring out how to say goodbye in three days. They asked the Titans East to come over once again to deliver the news.
"So are you going?" Terra asked eagerly.
"Of course she's going." Nightwing said pointedly.
Raven was grateful for him. She knew he was sad, she could detect it. But his support was much bigger than his grief. He was happy for her. So was Starfire. And Cyborg, Damian, Terra and Jinx. The others understood a little less since they weren't as familiar with her struggles, but they would accept whatever choice she made. Some of them were actually quite excited at the prospect of being allies with a cosmic entity. And then there was him. He wasn't okay with it. Confusion, despair, sadness, resentment, guilt and fear poured out of Garfield and hit her in agonizing waves.
Damian frowned slightly. "Yeah, I mean, how does someone decline an offer like that?"
"Well, from what you all said it didn't sound like she would resent it." Terra pondered. "Didn't she say it was her choice?"
"Sure, but Raven's power will be a thousand times bigger. A million times bigger. I mean, she'll be nearly limitless." Jinx's eyes sparkled. "Who would turn that down for a lame mortal life?"
"Isn't it lonely?" Aqualad asked.
"No, she'll be connected to everything." Starfire sniffled. She had already cried, and Raven had already gone through details with her. She turned to her best friend. "I mean, I'm going to miss you like crazy. But I'm happy for you. If anyone deserves this, it's you."
Conner leaned against the wall and smirked. "Damn, destroyer of worlds. You're like, on a whole other level now."
Terra frowned. "Will you ever come back? I mean, will we ever see you again?"
Raven opened her mouth to answer, but someone beat her to it.
"Of course she will." Cyborg said surely.
"Well, she will have to protect the multiverse or whatever so that will keep her a little busy. She probably won't be around for karaoke night as much." Ravager said sarcastically.
"Will she remember us? Will she be able to help us if we need it?" Speedy asked.
"Yes." Kory answered cheerfully.
Conner smirked. "Awesome."
Dick chuckled. "Basically, we're getting a guardian angel."
"Don't be selfish, guys…" Bumblebee frowned.
Terra nodded. "Yeah, Rae, it's amazing but you don't need to go. Not for us."
"What if you regret it and you want to take it back?" Aqualad asked.
They continued discussing it, speaking over each other and making a bit of a fuss.
"Guys, I want to go." Raven suddenly blurted out.
Everyone fell silent and stared at her. Krypto happily barked twice, with Salem on his back. Raven smiled slightly and caressed the dog's fur, taking the kitten in her arms.
She cleared her throat. "It's not about power. Or you guys. I mean, I'll protect you, don't get me wrong, but…I'm not going for you. I just…it's a chance. It's a really unique, special, important chance. No matter how much I fight, I'll always be damned here. I'll always be…me. Everything is…difficult. I…I'm tired." The empath sighed sadly. "I'll miss you all so much it almost makes me not want to go. But I…" She looked away, looking for the right way to say it.
"No, don't apologize for wanting freedom." Nightwing said kindly. "We'll miss you, but we're your friends; we want what's best for you. This is what's best for you, so we're on board. We support you."
She looked around and they did support her. All but one. But she was ignoring that for now, because she needed to talk to him alone. Everyone else was smiling sadly, but kindly. They would be alright. They were strong and they had each other. She could let go and find happiness and they would be happy for her. And then she would protect them and eventually come back as her better version to cover them in celestial gifts.
Cyborg had been watching his best friend with a very concerned look on his face. Garfield was silent. He was immobile; sitting on the couch with his gaze fixated on the floor. And he looked serious. Victor gently elbowed him and whispered. "Hey, man. I think you might need to say something here."
But Garfield just got up and left. Everyone stared at Raven with wide, concerned eyes.
"Don't worry, I've sensed it. I'll go talk to him." The empath said, already leaving after the shapeshifter. "Whatever you guys want to do for the next three days, I'm in. Make plans. Make ridiculously mundane plans. Damian, thank you. You have no idea."
As soon as she was gone, Terra and Starfire immediately grinned widely at each other, thinking of a thousand different things those ridiculous plans could involve.
Richard frowned at them. "I know she said it, but…let's try to not get carried away…"
Kory beamed at him. "Sorry, babe. My best friend is ascending. This must be the best three-day-long-going-away party the multiverse has ever seen."
"Now we're talking." Superboy grinned approvingly.
"Gar? Can I come in?" Raven asked through his door.
The Changeling grumbled. He knew he was being childish. Everyone else was able to be all supportive about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Yeah but they're not in love with her, I am. He wasn't sure what to feel. When he stormed out, he was angry. He'd gone to his room hoping she would follow him, and now that she had, half of him was relieved and just wanted to open the door and kiss her senseless, and the other half wanted to tell her to go away and stop torturing him. If she was going to leave him, why not just do it at once?
"I won't go away. I'll sleep here in the hallway, I swear." She whispered urgently.
Some petty, vengeful part of him liked that. Fuck, I hope she didn't detect that.
"Oh. That pleases you."
Garfield winced at how sad she sounded.
"Well, if you want me to suffer, can you just be angry with me face to face?"
He frowned. She still sounded so fucking sad. She could just phase through the door. She didn't need to beg him to open it. Why is she doing that? Garfield grunted and got up to let her in, immediately going back to sitting on the bottom bed and looking away from her.
Raven walked inside and closed the door behind her, moving to sit next to him. "I know you don't understand." She whispered. "But can you please not ignore me?"
The Changeling's will was failing him. His chest was aching and he just wanted to comfort her. There was still a part of him that was angry with her, but the sadder and sweeter she sounded, the smaller that part was. Still, he kept looking away from her.
The empath thought she would cry, but she just sniffled softly while her face contorted into a painful frown. "Gar?" She touched his shoulder lightly. "I have three days left. Please don't make me spend them without you."
He closed his eyes and drowned in self-loathing. What the fuck are you doing, Garfield?You have three days. This isn't how you change her mind. Three days to make her want to stay or to say goodbye and this is how you're wasting them!? Please don't make me spend them without you, she said. What are you trying to do? He realized there was a part of him that simply wanted to punish her. That wanted to hurt her like she was hurting him. Well, that's just dumb. Ignoring her will hurt us both; arguably it hurts me more than it hurts her.
"I want to explain. Please. Please look at me." She whispered desperately.
She won't sit there and beg forever. She'll realize you're not worth it and leave. I don't even know how she's still here. The shapeshifter inhaled sharply and looked at her. He could tell she was heartbroken. It was all over her eyes. But her frown softened significantly when he turned to her. She immediately cupped his face in her hands and gave him a soft, quick, light kiss and then leaned her forehead against his and took a deep breath. Garfield's heart accelerated. Okay, grow up. She loves you. You have three days. Fight for her.
"Don't leave me. Please." He whispered.
Two lightbulbs exploded and Raven stoop up. "I can't do this with my powers. Wait, I'll get th-"
"Let's just go to your room." Garfield got up and gently pulled her by the hand.
The sorcerer gratefully followed him and deactivated her powers. She pushed him to her bed and climbed onto his lap, straddling him and looking into his eyes.
"I want you to listen to me very carefully." She whispered tenderly, cradling his face in her hands again. "I love you. You were the best part of this plane, okay? I'm going to miss you so much. So, so much." She started planting quick, short kisses all over his face.
Shit. Fuck. Garfield closed his eyes and wept. He couldn't hold it in anymore. Not when she was making it feel so good and talking about taking it all away to some higher realm. She's not coming back. She'll be gone. She will learn the secrets of the Universe and meet other celestial beings. She will be one of the most powerful forces in the world. She'll forget me. If she goes, I'll lose her forever. She'll never come back.
Raven held him tightly when he started sobbing into her shoulder. Her heart was absolutely shredded when she saw him like this. "Shh, no, no, no love. Please don't cry." She buried her face in his hair and inhaled. And then she started weeping herself. "I mean…sorry, forget that. Cry if you want to."
"Please don't leave me." The shapeshifter repeated in a strangled voice.
She took a deep breath and whispered soothingly. "Love…you have a whole life ahead. You can live a full, happy life, but I can't. I'd always be cursed if I stayed. Please don't ask me to stay for you. I can't do that. Please don't ask me that."
Raven thought it was selfish to ask her to stay, but she didn't care. He could be selfish, petty, rude, possessive and whatever else he wanted and she would still want to spend the next three days with him. Besides, he was hurting so much.
Garfield slowed his breathing and looked up at her with a pitiful look on his face. "I thought…I thought you were happy…"
She smiled sadly, caressing his cheeks and trying to memorize every inch of him. "I am, love. More than I ever thought I would be. But I'm still not free. I'll never be free…unless I go."
The Changeling understood that meant he should stop asking her to stay and bit his lip to suffocate another sob. And he was grateful she couldn't sense him, because for a brief moment there, he wished Damian had never done that research.
"You can be angry with me if you want, but can you be angry while being close to me?" She softly pressed her lips against his.
Yes, yes I can. Garfield kissed her deeply and desperately. She gratefully kissed him back, her hands grasping his back as if she wanted to consume him. He on the other hand, couldn't even decide which part of her to hold onto, so his hands kept urgently running over her entire body. Three days. Just three more days of Raven.
That first night all they did was alternate between kissing and crying softly while holding each other. Raven told him this wasn't sad. This wasn't like when she thought she would die. She would be alive and well. Better than ever, actually. And she assured him he would be too. She would look out for him.
"Still, you're breaking up with me."
"No, I'm not. But I'm not blaming you if you move on, either." She said softly, running her fingers up and down his back. "You're free to fall in love, okay? I want you to be happy."
"Not happening." He muttered, nuzzling her chest.
Raven sighed and smiled sadly. "Just know that if it does, that's okay."
Garfield lifted his head to look at her. "But you're not breaking up with me?"
"I'm not breaking up with you."
"So, then…what? My girlfriend will be like, an actual mystical entity and stuff? How will that work?" There's no way you'll still want me. "What about when I get old?"
The empath chuckled softly. "We'll figure it out. I'll come back when I can. And I'll be almighty and all that, I'm sure I can find ways for us to see each other all the time. You can break up with me if you want, though. I would understand." But I hope you don't.
The Changeling tried to let her words comfort him, he really did. But there was an annoying part of him that felt like the main reason Raven loved him was precisely because he managed to cheer her up. If she found such an elevated state of happiness, what would she need him for? Why would she even love him then?
The shapeshifter scoffed. "I'll never break up with you."
Raven just rolled her eyes. "You can still change your mind."
"So can you." He said bitterly, because he was sure he wouldn't change his mind, but he was just as sure that she would. If she seemed unattainable before, now it was about to become painfully obvious.
"You'd be the first to know." She whispered.
Garfield knew Raven was actively ignoring all his ugly, resentful feelings towards her for the sake of their last days together. He could still tell they hurt her, so he tried to work through them as well and as fast as he could. He told himself she was right – this was for the better. He remembered how he felt when she was hurt and he took comfort in the fact that would never happen again, and he induced a fragile state of denial that he lived in for the following days. The two of them didn't get much sleep for the next two nights because they were too busy worshiping each other. They would wake up tangled in each other in a way that almost seemed like they had merged into one person.
"Take care of Salem for me?" She whispered against his lips on the second night.
The Changeling inhaled and nodded, but his chest burned in pain. Salem. He'll be all I have left of her soon. He kissed her deeper and pulled her closer. "Will you really come back for me?"
Raven lazily kissed down his neck. "Have a little faith in me, love."
The Titans lived in a nonstop whirlwind of fun and angst for three full days. Every day they got to know several different amazing sights and experiences. They watched the sunset on gorgeous mountains, visited temples, swam in the bluest oceans and went skiing. Starfire suggested Africa, but she made sure to ask Garfield first and he thought it would be too much to handle at once – he hadn't been back there in years and he was emotional enough as it was. Raven enjoyed every second she could; every corny-ass sensation. She laughed with her closest friends and she cried with them – that is, she softly wept while they cried.
And Changeling did everything with her. It was blissful, seeing all these beautiful things and doing this amazing stuff with her, but then he remembered why and felt sad and resentful again – she didn't call him out on it and soon enough, he was enjoying her company freely again. Each night, they all partied and drank and someone always ended up crying. Raven didn't get drunk, but she often got teary-eyed. Garfield on the other hand didn't trust himself to drink at all, because he knew if he did, he would say things to her he would deeply regret. Besides, he and Raven were having sex all night after everyone else passed out, and he needed to be awake for that. Three days had never gone by so fast.
"Hey, man." Cyborg said to his best friend when he came out for breakfast. Good morning didn't seem appropriate. He already knew it wasn't a good morning for the shapeshifter. "Where is she?"
"Bathroom. She'll be here soon." Garfield said tiredly, rubbing his swollen eyes. He had been crying a lot more than her. She would whisper soothingly and sadly to him and kiss him gently, but she only really cried on that first night. He thought she seemed more excited about going than anything else. He was trying to ignore it, but it was breaking his heart a little.
"You're gonna be okay, you know?" Victor said kindly.
The Changeling wasn't so sure. After spending so much time so close to her, he only loved her more. It didn't even matter that she was so excited to leave him; he wouldn't hold that against her. She could get carried away. That overwhelming woman made her a lot of promises. If only she changed her mind. If she just changed her mind, he would be happy for the rest of his life.
Raven meditated a little before coming into the ops room. The reason was she knew she would be going to her new life today. She'd said her goodbyes. She trusted Kory with her journal and sketch book, Garfield with her pet, Jinx with her magic books and crystals, Dick with all her other books, Victor with her music, Terra and Rose with all her clothes and she left everything else – including her plush turtle and giant teddy bear – to Damian. When she finally came out for breakfast, she was holding the small gemstone that was her ticket to immortality and wearing her armor and cloak – and the necklace Garfield gave her on Christmas.
"Look at you, all ready to ascend." Dick said through a smile and watery eyes.
She returned his smile, not quite sadly but emotionally. Then she realized Garfield was eyeing her necklace and she touched it with her fingertips. "I thought…you know, I'd take a piece of you with me. If that's okay."
The Changeling swallowed dryly and nodded. That's so fucking sweet. Why couldn't she just be mean to me for three days? Why did she make me love her more? He felt nauseated, so he picked up Salem and clutched him to his chest. "Of course, love. It's yours."
It didn't take that long. It wasn't lunch time yet when Raven's delicate gem glowed a bright, ethereal light suddenly making everyone feel all humbled and grateful. She was on her feet in a heartbeat. They were ready for this. And they knew they would see her again, this wasn't goodbye forever. It was difficult and bittersweet, but not quite sad – except for one of them. Garfield's heart had dropped to his stomach and he felt cold and numb.
"N-No, it's…too soon…" The shapeshifter whispered.
Raven wasn't listening anymore; she was smiling and chanting her words. Garfield looked around desperately. Why is everyone smiling?! What the fuck is wrong with everyone? The lights diminished and a portal began to form in front of the empath, immediately earning everyone's attention. It was unlike any portal they'd ever seen, it was made of something entirely good. He watched in horror as her eyes sparkled and her face lit up in bliss. If you love her, let her go. They say that, right? He slowly moved across the room. I'm pretty sure they say that. The portal grew and so did Raven's smile. Her eyes had hopeful tears in them and he felt jealous of an entire dimension, because she had never looked at him like that.
He would do anything for her, so he had to watch, right? No, wait. That's not right. They also say never let her go and hold on to that one, right? And if I really love her, shouldn't I do that!? She started walking towards the portal completely hypnotized and he truly despaired. His carefully crafted denial suddenly fell apart all at once. She's leaving. No, no, no. She's leaving forever. She CAN'T. Stop her. DO something. Stop her and grovel later, she'll forgive you. Spend the rest of your life making it up to her and making her happy, but do something NOW. If she goes you'll NEVER see her again. He really would do anything for her – except letting her go.
Raven could see it. She could feel it. She could taste it. She felt free and light and complete in a way she never had before. She felt forgiven and embraced and accepted in ways she never thought she would be. She felt peaceful. And she walked to the portal feeling nothing but gratitude because her heart was fuller than ever. This was right. It was where she should be. She'd finally redeemed enough to earn a less painful existence. Her tears of bliss made her vision slightly blurry. Her smile grew wide. She took another step and touched the celestial glow with her fingertips. And then…
And then it was all gone.
Everyone was extremely confused when the portal suddenly disappeared into thin air. Raven's desperate eyes hastily changed directions, searching the space where her hopes had been only a second ago, then she glanced at her hands and frowned. She looked back up. There was nothing there. Just empty space.
Her heart was instantly shredded and she felt something she loathed feeling. She felt helpless. What did I do!? What did I do wrong!? Why is it gone!? It can't be gone. Please, no. "No…it…where is it? I…what happened!?"
In the short seconds while the empath wondered if God's Mercy had changed her mind about her or if the whole thing had been some kind of sadistic lesson, she didn't look at anyone else. Until someone's voice made her.
"What did you do?" Dick asked sternly.
Raven thought he was talking to her, so she turned around. And then she realized he was talking to someone else. She followed everyone's gazes and then her heart stopped and all the air was sucked out of her lungs. Radiant's gemstone had been crushed. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was who was hovering over it with a guilty look on his face.
Garfield. Her body shut down. He did it. HE did this to me. Gar did this to me. My Gar. That…no. He loves me. I love him. He CAN'T have done this to me. If her heart was shredded before, now it felt like it was gone. And the void it left was somehow much more painful than a broken heart – and much more dangerous. Raven struggled as she felt her humanity leaving her along with her heart.
The Changeling's eyes widened when he saw her pained face. Shit. What the fuck did I do!? "I-I…" He stared at the crushed gemstone and despaired. "No, I…wait!" He looked up at her with remorseful eyes. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean…I mean, I just…"
"You?" The sorcerer exhaled in a whisper. She felt her mind slipping away. There you go. That's what you get for trusting him with your heart. With your everything. She felt nauseated and closed her eyes to swallow her pain. No, he CAN'T have done this. It makes no sense. A single strangled sob escaped her lips. Or maybe it makes perfect sense; you've just been too in love to remember to be smart.
No. Not him. Not this. Please.
"L-love? I'm so sorry, I didn't think. I just, I saw you leaving and I-Mmph!"
"Don't speak." Raven hissed in a guttural voice. She opened her eyes to see she'd glued his lips together and there were tears in his eyes. Trigon and her own demonic side were pressing her. Look at him. He betrayed you. Hurt him. Kill him. Take his life. Don't let him get away with it. She released his lips and stumbled backwards, panting and holding onto the couch for support. Shit. No. No. Stay good, Raven. Stay good.
As soon as he could speak again, Garfield rushed to her. "Rae, please, I-"
"STOP!" She stretched her arm out and summoned a force-field around her, then she closed her eyes again and grunted in pain. Stay good? Good is pathetic. YOU have been pathetic. And weak. No more. Her heart was back, but it wasn't the same. It was dark and bitter, beaten and bruised, and broken in a way she just knew would never heal. Waves of rage and revenge lust washed over her and resisting them was excruciating.
The entire tower was darker and colder than ever. Garfield fell down, desperately gasping for air. He couldn't shapeshift, but that was the least of his problems, because he couldn't breathe either. And he wasn't the only one. They were all on the floor, suffocating. Conner and Kory weren't as affected and tried to reach her to knock her out before she killed all her friends, but they couldn't get past her force-field.
Images of Garfield crossed Raven's mind. Taking care of her, holding her to sleep, kissing up her arm, beaming childishly, nervously pouring his heart out, telling her she looked like poetry, holding onto her in the roller coaster, singing to her, watching her lovingly, protecting her fiercely, promising her he would never betray her. No, this can't be the same person. It CAN'T be. Taking away her shot at freedom, condemning her, controlling her, forcing her to stay against her will, betraying her. It was the worst thing she could have possibly imagined, and it was real. It was happening.
"Rae, please!" Starfire managed to shout through the tears.
Stop killing your friends. The empath focused past the pain and released them. They coughed and desperately tried to catch their breath. Starfire ran to hug Nightwing tightly.
And then Raven opened her eyes and looked at the boy she'd trusted with her heart. And something in her snapped. She held onto her chest. "N-No. No."
She started laughing. It was broken, painful, insane laughter. Rose was the only one who'd seen her laugh like that before, but the empath had been powerless back then. She certainly wasn't powerless now. Everyone had recovered enough to stand up and they took an instinctive step back. Garfield felt like he would die from sorrow.
"Oh, shit." Conner whispered. Even he was concerned about this.
Raven seemed to be going back and forth between having two human eyes and four red demonic ones. She seemed to be having painful spasms and with each one her face transformed, showing Trigon's heritage, and then she would grunt loudly and miserably and it would change back. She was sweating and clearly struggling and it was disturbing and scary, because they weren't sure they would get out of there alive.
"Go." Dick told the other Titans in a serious, urgent voice.
Most of them left in a hurry and Conner immediately called Clark to let him know maybe they'd have a new apocalyptical battle soon. Kory, Damian, Victor and Terra stayed.
Nightwing looked at her and moved slowly, speaking in a soothing voice. "Rae, can you hear me? It's Dick. It's okay. You're okay. Stay with us. Stay strong."
Raven took a deep, shaky breath. Stay strong. It's Dick. Don't turn, you'll kill him. Stay strong.
"That's it, you can do this. You're okay." Richard encouraged her.
Garfield took a fearful step forward.
Her eyes glowed white as her head immediately turned to him. "Don't you dare come closer."
The shapeshifter's heart broke entirely at that. She had never been this angry with him, but the hurt in her face was even worse. It reminded him of when he went inside her room without permission and she felt violated, only a thousand times worse. The slow realization he might have done something unforgivable here made him feel like he was still suffocating. He hadn't meant to hurt her. He didn't know it would hurt her that much.
"He won't." Nightwing said, shooting him a warning stare. "Just breathe, Raven."
The sorcerer took a few more deep breaths. She wouldn't lose control. She wouldn't hurt these people. Not Garfield, not any of them. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt them. Whatever you do, don't hurt him and don't hurt them. A broken heart wouldn't turn her into a monster or make her forget her family. But she had snapped. She was broken. She felt gone. Get it together, everyone is watching this shit. They know it's because of him. Grow up and stop embarrassing yourself. She repressed a screeching scream and took control again.
Everyone who was still there gasped loudly, because while she had two human eyes on her face, they weren't violet anymore. Her irises had turned scarlet red. She seemed to be catching her breath and not in so much pain anymore. She seemed to stabilize. And the force-field was gone. But they had no idea what red irises meant.
Raven realized they were still scared. She straightened up. "It's okay."
"R-Rae…" The Changeling wept.
"No." She glared at him. All the sorrow emanating from him only added to her own pain, but it wasn't enough to soften her. He'd cut her too deep and she wasn't quite herself anymore. Every time she looked at him, she felt betrayed and vulnerable all over again. "Don't…" Raven took a defensive step back. "Don't you touch me. Don't you talk to me. It's over. Just stay away from me."
A strangled sob escaped his lips. She hates you. That's hatred. You lost her forever this time. You crushed her future for nothing. "No, please, wait! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! Please."
"Shut up." Raven hissed. "You prom-" She choked up and turned her head away from him to take a deep breath while he miserably shook his head, as if denying any of it was happening. When she looked at him again, her eyes were fierce. "You promised you'd never betray me. Liar." This time, her voice was as harsh as her words. "I will never forgive you for this."
And then she disappeared and he felt numb, unable to move or speak or even think. His eyes were wide, but they weren't focusing on anything, because his vision was blurry. And he seemed to have forgotten how to breathe again.
The Titans exchanged stares in mutual understanding. Dick and Kory left to find Raven while Terra and Cyborg stayed with Garfield. Damian went to tell the others about her eyes.
Terra bit her lip, completely unsure of what to say to him. Seeing her first love this broken was wounding her heart. She just walked up to him and placed her hand on his shoulder to show support. Cyborg sat on the couch and uselessly tried to lock eyes with his best friend.
"Hey…BB? It's going to be okay." Victor finally said. His voice was soft, but he was frowning in concern. "She's just angry right now. She didn't mean it. Of course she'll forgive you."
Garfield finally remembered how to breathe and inhaled sharply, exhaling shakily. He locked eyes with Cyborg and tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt empty. Not quite numb, but the way he was feeling made him wish he felt numb. Sure, his heart had been broken before. But this was a completely different type of heartache. This was his fault. "No, she won't." Saying the words made his chest hurt so badly he almost grabbed it. "I…I think I lost her."
And then he sobbed and broke down. Terra held him while he bawled his eyes out.
"Rae…?" Starfire asked softly from outside her door.
Raven opened it at once. "Don't worry, I'm not murdering anyone."
Nightwing frowned. "Rae…you know that's not why we're here."
The empath bit her lip and looked away. "I've deactivated my powers, so I can't sense him. I'll be fine. Thank you, Dick. You helped in there. Also, you were right. You were right about everything. I just need to be alone…please."
"Okay." Kory nodded, walking inside. "Then you can be alone with me. Honey, tell the others everything will be okay and there are no Trigon-related problems on the way."
Richard noticed Raven didn't object to her staying there, so he left to calm the others. He was a hundred percent sure there would still be problems. This huge mess was only getting started. But at least she hadn't ended the world yet. And if anyone could help her, it was Kory.
Starfire sat on her friend's bed and whispered. "What can I do?"
"Noth-" Raven choked and fell to her knees, grabbing her stomach with both her arms.
Kory's eyes widened in shock and she swiftly kneeled beside her. "Rae!?" And then she noticed the empath was sobbing softly. "Oh, Rae…"
When Starfire pulled her into her arms and embraced her, Raven cried compulsively. She cried the same way she'd cried in Garfield's arms after she realized she had been rescued from captivity, except these weren't tears of joy. And thinking about that only brought that memory to light and made her cry harder. Her body was sore by the time she managed to form words.
"I'm so stupid." The empath whispered in her friend's arms. "H-he just…I never thought he would…I'm so fucking stupid."
"Shhh, no you're not." Kory stroked her hair. "You're brave. It's okay. It's not your fault."
Yes, it is. Raven wept, more softly now because she was exhausted. She cried herself to sleep in Starfire's embrace.
And she only woke up on her bed several hours later, around dinner time.
"Rae?" Garfield whispered outside her door.
She had woken up to nightmares and had been blankly staring at the ceiling since.
"I know you t-told me to stay away from y-you…I just…do you want dinner? I'll go away. I'll go to my room if you want…I'll do anything. Please, just…say something." Garfield tenderly put his hand on her door, as if it was an extension of her somehow.
Raven sighed and walked to the door, but didn't open it. "I'm not hungry."
His heart instantly felt lighter. She's talking to me. Her voice was strained, though.
"I let you down." He whispered. His voice was strained too. "I ruined it. I ruined everything. I…" Please give me another chance. Please say you didn't mean it. Say you'll eventually forgive me. Please. "If you want me to go away for good I will, do you want me gone?" Don't offer THAT, idiot. Where are you going? Back to Doom Patrol with your tail between your legs?
"It's not your fault."
Wait, what!? "Wait, what!?"
"My fault. It's all my fault." She said tiredly.
There were several seconds of silence.
"…Rae, can you sense me?" There was a part of him that dared to hope she meant it was her fault for wanting to go in the first place. If that was what she felt bad about, he could kiss her worries away and make her happy. If she sensed how much he loved her, she'd open the door.
"No, of course not. I turned it off."
"Oh…okay. Of course. Then…why would you say it's your fault?"
"I knew it would end badly, this thing with you. I knew it was a bad idea. I shouldn't have caved. Now I'm paying for it. That's on me. I had it coming." She whispered. Not only was she condemned to staying in this painful plane, but she had to stay with this heartache.
He actually flinched. That couldn't be further from what he was hoping to hear. And she sounded emotionless and sad at the same time. "N-no…please, love…"
Raven opened her door to glare at him and he realized her eyes were swollen and her irises were still red. He held his breath for her rage.
"Don't call me that. Don't ever call me that again."
Garfield tried his best to suppress the tears and sobs that were trying to emerge. Not again. She looked away and he watched her. She looked so tired. So…beaten.
"You know what the saddest part is?" The empath whispered.
He sniffled miserably. It seemed like each second broke his heart a little more. "Tell me."
I still can't hate you. I still love you. Isn't that just so fucking hilarious? Raven looked at him and hardened her face. "Forget it. You don't deserve to know." She shut the door in his face and spoke dryly. "Go away, Garfield. It's fine. I won't do anything to you. I don't want revenge." That's a lie. Yes, you do. "Just leave me alone before you do even more damage."
Fuck. Shit. Tell her…tell her…He didn't know what to tell her. She'd never been this cold towards him. "I…I'll be in my room. If you want to…you know…I won't be there…" The shapeshifter decided to leave before he started choking on his own tears again.
Raven did go to the ops room to get something to eat after working some magic on her eyes so the others couldn't tell she'd cried like a baby. She was praying to Azar and The Presence that he really wasn't there, because she didn't want to handle her powers around him right now. As soon as she walked in, the empath could tell everyone was staring and she could sense them intensely. They were a little scared, but mostly they felt sorry for her. Of course they do. You're fucking pitiful. She quietly floated into the kitchen to get some food.
"Hey, there…" Terra gave her a sad smile when she sat down to eat a salad.
"Hi." Raven said stoically.
There was palpable tension in the air.
"So…" Superboy cleared his throat. "The, uh…the eye color is an interesting choice…"
"Subtle, Conner." The sorcerer smirked. "Not a choice. I don't know what it means, but it was the best I could do. I guess it means change. I'm not killing anyone, though. So there's that."
Nightwing frowned sadly. "Rae…"
Raven quickly stood up with her plate. "I'm eating in my room. Thanks."
Richard followed her. So did Starfire. She let them in and kept eating on her desk.
Dick sat on her bed. "I know you're not okay right now. But…what do you need?"
"I need to leave." Raven said somewhat sadly. When she felt their pain, it made her sadder. "I'm sorry, I just…I can't stay here, I can't. I can't see him. It'll mess me up." She pointed at her eyes. "It already messed me up."
"You don't need to leave. I mean, he can leave too." Nightwing said pointedly.
Raven shook her head, finishing her light dinner. It was all she had stomach for. "He stays. He needs it more. I'll be fine. Don't punish him. I'm the one who shouldn't have let this happen."
Nightwing sighed. "Raven, that's-" Kory's warning touch on his arm urged him to stop talking.
Starfire stared at her best friend. "You still want him to be happy, don't you?"
Raven scoffed, leaned back on the chair and shot them a broken and uncharacteristically wide grin. "Yeah! Sad, isn't it?"
They both just frowned, because they didn't really recognize this side of her.
"Where will you go?" Dick asked pitifully. He was the one who felt like crying now.
"I don't know." Raven stood up at once and started packing a bag. "Not the Sixth Dimension, I guess."
Starfire bit her lip to fight back a sob. "I'll help you…"
"Dick?" The empath called as he was leaving her room. "Don't tell anyone. I can't do any more goodbyes. I don't have it in me."
Nightwing nodded miserably and left.
"What about…?" Kory held the sketch book with Garfield's drawings in one hand and Michelangelo – that's how they called her plush turtle now – in the other.
Raven's eyes welled up. She inhaled deeply and took the sketch book from Starfire. "For Azar's sake." She hastily put it in her bag and used magic to shrink Michelangelo and her giant teddy bear so she could take them too. Then she took the Percy Jackson books, the necklace, their carnival ride picture and everything else he had ever given her. "Don't tell him."
"He'll come in here and see you took them…unless I tell him you destroyed everything…"
Well, that's just cruel. "Fine, then…tell him I took them, whatever. I don't care." Raven sighed tiredly, leaned on her bag and whispered. "Promise me you'll take care of him."
Starfire's heart broke. "Yeah, Rae. I will."
The empath surprised her friend with a quick hug, pulled a sad Salem to her lap and just like that, she was gone.
When Kory walked back into the ops room, Garfield was there with a blank expression on his face. Everyone else still seemed concerned. Dick eyed her expectantly.
"Raven's gone."
After a few minutes of shock and explanations, Starfire glanced at Beast Boy, who seemed to freeze the second she'd made her announcement and had yet to move. She'd just told them Raven was too upset and needed some time away, but it was obvious it was because of him.
"Maybe you shouldn't have let her go. I know you guys trust her, but did you see that laughter?" Speedy shivered slightly. "No offense, but she looked a little crazy…"
"Honey, no offense, but…shut up." Terra said pointedly. "That's not helpful."
"I've seen that laughter before." Ravager said casually. When everyone stared at her, she shrugged. "In the bunker, when my father tortured and brainwashed her. It doesn't mean crazy. It means broken."
Cyborg frowned. "I don't think she's broken…"
"Oh, she's broken." Rose stated intently. "Raven hates being told what to do, right? And now the person she trusted most in the world walked all over her free will and made a life-changing decision for her?" She raised an eyebrow. "She's broken."
Garfield shrank a bit. He knew they were stealing glances at him, expecting him to say something.
"In that case, isn't Speedy right?" Conner frowned.
"And how exactly did you want me to stop her?" Dick folded his arms in annoyance. "If any of you want to try and get her back, by all means. But if you kill or hurt her, I'll kill you."
"Dude, relax. I wouldn't, I…I'm just worried." Superboy sighed sadly.
Nightwing shot him a sympathetic half-smile. "I know. Sorry."
Cyborg went to sit with Garfield. He was really worried. "Hey, man. Listen…I know that are you okay would be a stupid question, but…are you, like, in there?"
Barely. Changeling nodded blankly. "Mhm."
Victor bit his lip. "Kory said Raven took your presents with her. Like, all the romantic stuff you gave her. She took it with her."
That caught his attention. He had been making sure to block as many whispers as he could, because he really didn't want to overhear anything if people were whispering about him. Garfield lifted his eyes to his friend. "She did!?"
Cyborg nodded. "Yeah, BB, so…hang in there. You don't know what's gonna happen, but she definitely cares about you. It's Raven, give her time."
Give her time. The shapeshifter nodded to himself, allowing hope back into his heart. "She took my drawings? The necklace? Michelangelo? The Percy Jackson books? What about the-"
"Yeah dude, she took everything."
The Changeling's eyes sparkled. Okay. Maybe I can fix this. I'll fix this.
Raven had been roaming the streets for a while when she sensed a slight commotion. She frowned and went to check on it. Gotham Sirens were quite stealthily robbing a bank. They were definitely good at being discreet, because the Titans' trouble alarm hardly ever sounded for them until it was too late. Oh, well. She sat down on a bench and folded her arms. Catwoman spotted her first, and then they surrounded her impressively fast. She didn't bother to unfold her arms at the sight of Harley Quinn's giant gun.
"You won't kill me with that, but you'll piss me off." The empath said plainly, already preparing to stop the bullet midair should she fire. "Don't murder anyone and I won't bother you."
Poison Ivy frowned at Catwoman, who just shrugged to let her know she was just as confused.
Pamela walked up to Raven and ran a hand through her long hair to spite her. The sorcerer slapped it away and she chuckled. "Feisty. You do know we're stealing, right?"
"I don't care." The empath said blankly.
Harley Quinn put the gun down and tilted her head to the side. "Why are your eyes red?" She smiled greedily. "Is it some new drug? Do you have some more?"
"Aren't you supposed to care, though?" Selina narrowed her eyes, ignoring Harley's questions. "Aren't you like…a superhero or whatever?"
"Not anymore."
The Sirens exchanged puzzled and intrigued looks with each other.
Ivy smirked. "Did they finally kick you out for being too weird?"
"Okay, well…we'll be leaving, then." Catwoman said. Pamela was absurdly confident, but she preferred being smart and not unnecessarily engaging against this demon-hybrid witch.
Raven shrugged. "Sure."
Pamela and Selina were walking away with their money, but the third Siren stayed behind.
"Harley, c'mon." Ivy hissed, as if she was calling a pet.
"You seem depressed." Harley Quinn pointed out, narrowing her eyes at the empath.
Raven looked up at her menacingly. "I can still kill you. Easily."
Harley grinned excitedly. "Ohh I like that! Hey, is that your kitten?" She pointed at Salem on the sorcerer's shoulder. When she just nodded once, the blonde's eyes glistened. She even comes with a kitten. "Well, if you're not a Titan anymore, why don't you just help us!?"
The empath frowned. "Because I…"
She looked around, as if trying to find her sense of heroism behind a bush somehow, because it seemed to have abandoned her entirely. The truth was she wasn't whole anymore. There were important parts of her missing and she had no idea how to get them back, or if that was even possible. I could use a distraction…
Ivy had been ready to scold her teammate a second ago, but Raven seemed to be hesitating and maybe even actually considering it, so she cleared her throat. "You know, she has a point. We could use a witch. And you look like you could use some company."
Okay listen I know it's all very dramatic and angsty right now, but I promise it will lead somewhere fun. Just take my hand and repeat after me: it will be alright.
Don't hate me xD (or do if you must, I guess statistically someone will, lol)
Rolling in the Deep (Adele)