Lots of us authors are getting PMs and reviews about how much someone loved a story and wants to illustrate it (never mind that it is a complete form letter that makes it clear that the person hasn't read a single paragraph of the story, often not even naming the title or addressing the message to anyone). I've been writing them back, kindly, but explaining how we all see through this and want them to desist. But then I thought, wouldn't it be fun to just let loose like some of our dear characters would? What do you bet that I get a review or PM after I post this, about someone wanting to illustrate this. I've been feeling down about life in general today, not based on any one thing in particularly, so hopefully this will cheer me up!

The basic premise is that all of our beloved characters are writing fanfiction of one type of another and are getting these types of requests. This will be a series of short shots.

Thanks, but No Thanks

1. Lady Catherine

Dear Upstart Artist (clearly that word "artist" should not apply to you, a complete unknown, for I have more good natural taste than most artists and if I or my beloved daughter Anne had ever learned to paint, our work would be displayed in King George's castle itself):

I only purchase artwork from critically acclaimed and highly prized artists of the utmost caliber, for nothing but the best should be displayed on the mantel above my prized chimney piece. If I want illustrations for my variation of Great Expectations, Pip is a Social Climber who does not Deserve Any Notice, I shall employ whichever of the living artists who currently vie for my patronage I chose to privilege with my notice.

Pip is a Social Climber who does not Deserve Any Notice, is an amazing study which proves the discernment of my character, which has been highly celebrated. In the text, I prove decisively that Pip was grasping far too high in thinking that he might have any chance of elevation by the wealthy Miss Havisham. Pip (not even Phillip, perish the thought) thought far too highly of himself to think he deserved any of Miss Havisham's notice, and she made a grave mistake in ever allowing him to visit Satis House and spend time with Estella. Pip showed himself highly obtuse in thinking he might, in fact, be a marital match for a girl who was clearly not of his sphere, a sphere he should not have tried to quit. A common convict would never have the means to leave him anything, and in my variation nothing of the sort happens and Pip dies an ignoble death without ever coming to the notice of anyone of means and instead the story is properly focused on the heroine of the whole thing, Miss Havisham.

You will see how well I prove my point in my 500,000+ word novel (which is still a work in progress). Calling it fanfiction would be to diminish what I have created, and I shall surely not sully it with a comic or illustration by an unknown. Perish the thought! However, as little as you might deserve it, even a commoner like you can read my novel and perhaps, just perhaps, glean something useful for your own pathetic, unknown, and hopefully short miserable life as someone little better than a common kitchen scullery (and probably far less useful).

I give no further greetings or well-wishes to you or any of your ragtag associates. I am seriously displeased that an upstart like you would dare to write to me such an ill-thought and demeaning business proposal.

Lady Catherine de Bourgh

A/N: Who do you want to hear from next?