I know that FF is acting up, but persistence pays off. Many thanks to those who read and reviewed. I can't see your reviews now as my story isn't currently showing on the website, and some reviews showed up as email alerts and some didn't, but I appreciate all of you.

3. Mr. Collins

Dear Miss Jasmine Lucas,

I hope I am not offending you by suggesting you are a Miss and not a Mrs. Lucas (although of course the correct form for a married woman is to give her name as that of her husband's name with a "Mrs." in the front. For example, if my esteemed patroness Lady Catherine were not Lady Catherine, she could properly sign her name Mrs. Louis de Bourgh, or Mrs. de Bourgh, or could call herself Catherine de Bourgh, but Mrs. Catherine de Bourgh makes it seem as if she is married to herself, a matter that many authors of fanfiction do not seem to understand). I myself lately married a Miss Charlotte Lucas, daughter of Sir William Lucas of Meryton, Hertfordshire, England, who was knighted by the King. Are these Lucases perhaps relations of yours (or if you are married, your husband's)? If so, I should be glad to claim the connection, doubly glad if it might result in a substantially discounted "family" rate for your services.

Of course, now my dear Charlotte does not exist as a separate being. Oh no, she is now Mrs. William Collins, or Mrs. Collins, both of which are fine, fine names and in fact clearly show that in the law we are but a single person for most purposes. I have been diligent in attending to my marital duties as is of course good and right as properly sanctified by our marriage, with such marital intimacies ordained by God himself. The fact that I take pleasure in doing what is good and right, is of course no sin, for we are to be fruitful and multiply, and without diligent efforts we would not gain a whole line of future Mr. and Miss Collins. In fact, if you be married, I exhort you to dutifully submit to your husband, whether you enjoy how he goes about his task or not. In such a way shall you be sanctified.

I am very glad to know that you "recently had the joy of reading [my] story" Saving the Souls of Sinners, which I put in the category of The Bible, but modeled on Fordyce's Sermons. Truly, there should be a category for sermons, but since there is not, I placed it under The Bible. I must say I blushed with most humble pride upon reading your words: "I was truly captivated by its unique approach and creativity. The depth of your imagination really struck a chord with me, and I found your storytelling to be exceptionally inspiring. It's honestly one of the best stories I've come across—the vivid descriptions, the emotional depth, and all the intricate details were simply outstanding."

You must have been so overcome that you thought I wrote a story, rather than some very strict sermons. But as you are a woman, well your ignorance merely shows you to be a demure young virgin, or a suitably ignorant wife (for why should you have to think about things, when you have a husband to command you in all things). I must congratulate myself that my turns of phrase were so very effective that you forgot (or never realized) that you were reading sermons. But I must gently correct you that even if you must engage in suitable employment due to the fact that your father's or husband's renumerations are insufficient to meet the household accounts, you as an unmarried or married woman should not have written to me directly, a man. No, it was your father's or husband's task to offer your services under his suitable supervision, and it would be best if your remained ignorant of how much you were paid for such work (for it would never be your wages as they would belong instead to your male guardian).

Now about the "new ideas or projects [I'm] currently working on," I have in mind to write a book filled with Lady Catherine's most useful advice. She is truly a grand lady and most diligent patroness. Nothing is beneath her notice, not even the placements of shelves in my closets, or the cuts of meat my wife purchases for us. Mrs. Collins and I diligently attend to her on every possible occasion, and follow her every suggestion.

Oh no, it just occurred to me that Lady Catherine may not approve of a young lady of unknown origins daring to offer her services to illustrate her words. No, likely the unvarnished truth should not be sullied by graven images of her tall, noble mien, her handsome face. While I am sure her very words were commanded by the One who reigns on high, well, it would not do to have anyone tempted to worship her instead.

I must confess that occasionally I have fallen prey to that very sin, and indeed on more than one occasion had a few inappropriate thoughts for a single man to have about a single lady so elevated from him. But Lady Catherine in her infinite wisdom declared that I should seek out a bride and I have been very happy with the outcome of such a search. It is easier to concentrate your own efforts on your own fields, when you have a suitable helpmeet to submit to the plowing. While I confess that I should like Lady Catherine's portrait painted for my personal view, on a simple sheet of paper that I could hide within my desk drawer and pull out when contemplating how best to abase myself for her, well the temptation to use it to inspire personal bodily gratification might prove too tempting.

Therefore, I am afraid I must decline, but never fear, I shall be praying for the salvation of you immortal soul.

I remain a servant of God,

Reverend William Collins

A/N: Credit for the quotes aboce goes to the form letter I received from Jsmine Lucas, who signed her PM Jasmine. I don't know that Mr. Collins would really be this candid, or this misogynistic, but I couldn't resist having him do so. Please do not take this as being a general criticism of Christians. While Mr. Collins may mean well, he is certainly not a shining example to us all. So who would you like to hear from next?

BTW, in case you are wondering what I am writing to these people who keep soliciting for artwork, I've given you the complete letter from my latest reply (yes, I got another PM minutes before dear Jasmine was so kind to write to me, and yes, it was from Hattie Bea):

Dear Hattie Bea,

Just how stupid do you think all us authors are?

Wow, just wow, you can't even address me by name or put the name of one of my stories in your form letter. You know, I have a lot more than one. I am getting really tired of being solicited repeatedly to pay people for artwork. Nothing against you personally, but this is like third request I have received in two days, and I think there have been about ten total this month. Please don't ask me again on this story or any of the others.

BTW, none of you ever bother to read our stories, because if you did, you would actually comment on the story itself rather than saying a lot of generic flattering things "I really liked your story-it's so cool and creative." Tell me, which story? What is "so cool and creative" about it? None of you make any salient comments that show you've read even the premise. Your grade school teacher surely taught you how to write a paragraph about something you read, to prove you actually read it.

Just stop soliciting for work in this way, please. I know everyone needs to make a living, but PMs are not meant for this. If someone ever actually read one of my stories, commented on it in a way that proved they read it, and explained a particular scene they wanted to illustrate, why, and what they had in mind for it, I might have some temptation to spend some of my hard-earned money on some art. But what you've given me doesn't even come close to that.

Do you know how excited we authors are to get a PM from someone who actually read a chapter of our stories and wants to engage in a genuine interaction with us? Then it is a giant let down to get this kind of form letter, and frankly rather irritating. Almost as irritating as the weirdos who are hoping to engage in sexual fantasies through PMs, or trying to get people to visit p*rn sites.

I've gotten so many of these requests and seen so many of these soliciting reviews, that do you know I am actually in the process of writing a parody Pride & Prejudice of it, in which the very characters say, as the title of it implies, "Thanks, but No Thanks" to these solicitations. One of my reviewers said I should send the characters responses to people like you, but as you don't read our stories, I doubt you know what Lady Catherine or Mrs. Bennet would sound like, so it would probably completely go over your heads.

Wishing you well, hoping you are teachable, and hoping I haven't wasted my time in writing back to you a lot more sincerely than how you have written to me. And yes, this is a form letter, but do you notice how I customized it a little by actually addressing you by name and quoting from your message and addressing some of your comments? That way, you can tell that I actually read your message, unlike you failing to read my story.

Laina Lee