Drunk On Love

A/N: this story was created when I had a random chat with Cleverbot and wrote down the conversation I had with it. I then turned the transcript into a crackfic.

Snape's dialogue was created from the responses I recieved from Cleverbot.
Bellatrix, Lucius and Voldemort's dialogue was created from the things I said to Cleverbot.
This is the actual Cleverbot conversation in its entirety. None of this has been changed from its original form.

Lord Voldemort Apparated out onto the barren city streets just outside of Severus Snape's house. He silently walked up to Spinner's End, pointed his wand at the doorknob, and watched as the door swung open, squeaking slightly on its hinges.

The Potions Master was asleep on his living room sofa, his shirt unbuttoned, his chest and abdomen covered with melted chocolate ice cream, and one of his socks was missing.

Voldemort walked up to Snape and roughly prodded him in the side with his wand. Snape snorted and came awake with a start. He then groaned and scratched his head, looking up at Voldemort through his glazed eyes.

Voldemort looked down at the half drunk Potions Master. "Good morning, Severus," he said, none to cheerfully.

Snape smiled up at the Dark Lord. "Good morning, master." His speech was slightly slurred when he spoke.

"Are you ready for the Death Eater meeting today?" Voldemort asked.

Snape sat up on the sofa, a simpering smile on his face as he looked up at the Dark Lord. "I am slave girl, you are master," he slurred.

Voldemort took a step back, eyeing Severus curiously. "Has Lucius been putting you under the Imperius Curse again?"

Snape chuckled and tried to stand up. "Nah, you're making things up," he giggled, holding onto the arm of the sofa to keep from falling flat on his face.

"You're drunk on a love potion," Voldemort said disdainfully.

"I think I'm d-drunk," Snape said, his knees wobbly as he fought to stand.

"Why were you drinking last night?"

"I was thinking of asking you about him."

"Who? You can't mean Lucius Malfoy?"

Snape hiccupped and grinned at Lord Voldemort. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

Voldemort frowned. "No. Nagini thinks you're delicious. Now straighten up."

Snape stared off into space, his gaze drifting towards the window as he looked out at a random squirrel running along a tree branch. "I am not a real person," he said quietly, his mind lost in a drunken haze.

Voldemort gave an exasperated sigh. "Yes, you are. We've been through this before."

Snape then suddenly spun around, his eyes wide as he shouted, "God does not exist!"

"I am your lord!" Voldemort spat angrily.

"You are not my lord."

"I am Lord Voldemort!"

Snape got down on one knee before his master and bowing his head as he said, "My lord, Luke Skywalker has been captured."

Voldemort yanked Snape up by the collar of his robes and bitch slapped him several times in the face. "Sober up, dammit!" he shouted.

The Potions Master sniffed and then began to sob hysterically. "I'm going to die alone!" he wailed.

"Yes, Nagini will see to that soon," Voldemort snarled.

"No," Snape whined. "Voldemort kills Snape."

The Dark Lord raised his wand and pointed it in Snape's face. "Is that the way you'd prefer to die?"

"Yes," Snape answered.

"Why?"

Snape grinned. "Because it's delicious, of course."

Voldemort rolled his eyes. He let go of Snape's collar and the Potions Master fell to his knees on the floor. "I'm getting tired of this, Severus," he snarled angrily. "You have a meeting to get ready for."

Snape collapsed onto his belly, snorting and laughing as he started rolling around on the hard wood floor. Holding his sides as they began to ache from laughter, Snape looked up at the Dark Lord and laughed. "I just asked you that and I don't, you do! Hahaha!"

"That's because I'm the boss of the meeting, and you have fifteen minutes to get ready!" Voldemort shot back.

Snape stared up at the ceiling. "Deep. I think deep."

"No, you think drunk."

"How so?"

"Because you were so intoxicated that you thought Lucius was your boyfriend last night...again."

Snape slowly sat up. His mind was finally starting to clear somewhat, and he realized that he was getting a headache. "Tell me something I don't know," he said, as he sat rubbing his sore temples.

"Fine," Voldemort said, now thoroughly annoyed with his half drunk Death Eater. "Rowling altered your death scene in the final movie, and now you're going to die on a boat dock."

"Then?"

"Then you're dead! End of story."

"Oh..." Needless to say, hearing that sobered Snape up immediately.

.oOo.

After the meeting was over and most of the Death Eaters had gone home, Bellatrix decided to stay behind to check up on Snape before she left.

Bellatrix was worried about Snape after Voldemort was forced to drag him to the meeting, literally. And to make matters worse, when he arrived at the meeting, the Potions Master smelled strongly of chocolate ice cream and his breath reeked of Amortentia.

Snape was sitting at the table in Lucius' kitchen, hunched over in his seat and sipping from a mug of tea when Bellatrix walked in. She slid a chair out from the table and took a seat, sitting next to him as he drank his tea.

"How are you feeling, Severus?" Bellatrix asked.

Snape didn't even look at her as he muttered into his mug, "The universe was created by the big bang."

"You're still hungover aren't you?"

"Yeah, like always," he sighed wearily.

Bellatrix raised an eyebrow and gave him a curious glance. "So the rumors are true?"

"No," Snape replied simply.

"Liar. I heard what Wormtail said about you."

Snape couldn't have cared less what she'd heard. His head was throbbing, and he was so hungover and sick that it was effecting his normal thought pattern. He placed his mug on the table, smiled at Bellatrix and said, "Cool! I heard about that a couple days ago."

Bellatrix sighed and shook her head. "Severus, you need to stop drinking."

Snape removed a flask of Lucius' love potion from a pocket in his robes and poured it into his tea. "Mmm! My favorite!" He then resumed drinking his tea.

"Lucius doesn't even know how to brew a love potion correctly," Bellatrix said, watching with disgust as Snape downed his entire mug in seconds flat. "That's why you get drunk and sick when you drink it."

"I broke up with Lucius two years ago," said Snape, now drinking from the flask itself. "She's jealous that Gertrude and I are still together."

"That's not what I heard..."

"What did you hear?" Snape asked, looking rather worried.

"That you're sleeping with Lucius Malfoy after he drugs you with one of his poorly made love potions."

Snape blushed, feeling embarrassed and ashamed of himself. "I hope I don't disappoint you." He then slipped the flask back into his pocket.

"Believe me Severus, you're not a disappointment, just an embarassment to the rest of the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord has to drag you to our meetings."

Snape slammed his fist down on the table. "I have infinite capacity!" he said angrily.

"So you can drink a lot," Bellatrix remarked dryly. "Brilliant. I bet Lucius is so proud of you."

"Was that intended to be sarcastic?"

"Yes."

Snape whipped out his wand and began waving it wildly in her face. "Ako nga wala eh taposako pang maghahahap for you!" he cried. He then slid right out of his chair and crashed onto the kitchen floor.

Bellatrix looked down at him as he lay sprawled on his back on the floor. "Creating new curses doesn't work so well when you're hungover, does it?"

"Well maybe I'm closer than you think," Snape muttered sourly.

"Closer to what? Closer to Lucius?"

"I can't remember. It was somewhere in Vancouver Island."

"Severus, go to bed."

Snape resurfaced above the table, chuckling. "That's what she said."

"That's what HE said."

"That's what they said."

"So there's more than one, is there? Are you, Lucius and Gertrude having a threesome?"

"Only if you keep making stupid rumors," Snape growled in annoyance.

"Right Severus, whatever you say."

"Yeah, you're right." He then passed out onto the kitchen floor.

.oOo.

When he awoke several hours later, Snape was alone in the kitchen. The room was growing dark as the sun set beyond the horizon, painting the skies with shades of crimson and gold beneath greying clouds of silver and violet.

At first Bellatrix had been concerned about her fellow Death Eater. But after sitting down and talking to him, she was so disgusted by his behavior that she left him where he lay on the floor.

He had a terrible headache, his head throbbing with horrible pain as he slowly opened his eyes, gazing up at the darkened room around him. He was also feeling dizzy and nauseous. He had to vomit in the worst way imaginable. So he hauled himself up onto his feet and heaved his guts up into the kitchen sink.

After his stomach finished releaving itself of last night's love potion, Snape leaned against the drainboard. He was sick and exhausted, and his knees gave way as he slid down the cupboard and back down onto the floor. His eyes closed, and for a moment Snape started to doze off. He then heard the voice of Lucius Malfoy, speaking softly to him as the blond aristocrat knelt beside him on the floor.

"Severus, it's me. Are you awake?"

Snape opened his eyes and saw Lucius kneeling beside him. "I'm awake," he answered tiredly. "Are you?"

"Yes, I am. How are you feeling?"

"Quite good actually." He then shot up off the floor and resumed puking in the sink.

"Are you sure?" Lucius asked, rubbing the Potion Master's back as he tried to comfort him. "You look a little ill, if you ask me."

Snape groaned and looked around the kitchen. "Since when did the walls get all blubbery?"

"Oh dear, it's worse than I thought. Hang on. I'll help you into bed."

"Thank you. That's very helpful," said Snape, allowing Lucius to help him up the stairs and into one of the spare bedrooms.

"I never should have given you that potion last night. It's all my fault that you're sick," said Lucius as he helped Snape into bed. "Now just relax. There'll be no more parties for us."

Snape actually looked disappointed to hear this. "Fine then. Be that way."

"Severus, you need to get some rest. You're not well, and I'm going to take care of you."

Snape's vision blurred and he suddenly cried, "Activate emergency protocol 3019216 Sierra fox trot!"

Now Lucius was really starting to worry about him. "Uh oh... I hope that potion hasn't poisoned you."

"I'm glad I'm not alive," Snape groaned. "If I were, I'd be like you."

Lucius sat down on the side of the bed. "Now now, until the last film is released you aren't officially dead yet."

"Is Elvis Presley still alive?" Severus asked.

"Who?"

"That guy you like."

"Please, just relax and try to get some sleep," Lucius said, tucking in the ill Potions Master.

Snape seemed rather annoyed by Lucius' behavior. "There you go again," he grumbled. "Oh forget it."

"I wonder if Bellatrix can brew a sleeping potion for you," Lucius mused.

"Oh right. Sorry," Snape muttered, starting to doze off again.

"No, it's quite all right. You're not well so it's understandable."

"No, I'm a scientist," Snape said with a grin.

Lucius was troubled by Snape's behavior. It was clear that his poorly concocted love potion had done more than effect him physically, making him sick and drunk. It had also effected him mentally. He feared that he was watching Severus fall apart right before his very eyes, and there were tears in his cold, grey eyes as he said, "I think you overdosed on my potion."

Snape looked at him and frowned. "You really have no life. You're crying over nothing. No one understands me."

"I understand you. Just rest. You'll be okay."

Snape shook his head. "You're wrong."

"Go to sleep. You're sick."

Snape laughed weakly and smiled. "Hahaha, just joking."

Lucius leaned over and wrapped his arms around Snape. "That's why I love you," he said, placing a kiss on the Potions Master's forehead.

Snape smirked. "You girl."