Coffee Cowgirl
Written for the Guilty Pleasure challenge
A/N: this is another oneshot I removed from the site and added to this collection. I saved a copy of the reviews, and edited the story to fix the problem with run on sentences.
When he entered Malfoy manor that morning, Scabior had no idea what he was walking into. He'd only gone over there because he had important matters he wished to discuss with the blond aristocrat. He didn't know that he'd be risking his own life just by walking into the kitchen.
He heard her before he saw her. It wasn't hard to miss the clanging of metal pots and pans as they spilled from cupboards onto the floor. And as he drew closer to the kitchen and cautiously pushed open the door, Scabior could hear her muttering frantically in a half-panicked voice.
"Where is it? Where is it? It has to be here somewhere. Where the hell could it be?"
Scabior stood back, half in the doorway as he watched Bellatrix pacing back and forth like a caged lion.
Her hands curling into fists at her sides, she threw her head back and positively howled, "I must have it!" She then seized a plate from a pile of dishes on the counter, and forcefully hurled it against the wall where it shattered into several splintered fragments on the floor.
Already the kitchen had been reduced to a complete disaster area. Broken bottles of ketchup and various marinade sauces littered the floor, their contents slowly oozing down the wall. Cereal boxes had been torn open and crushed, and the remains of squashed and splattered fruits covered almost every square inch of the kitchen, including the ceiling.
Scabior saw this as a dangerous sign that the deranged witch was in no mood to be dealt with at the present time. He started to back out of the kitchen, hoping she wouldn't notice him. But he had barely made it two feet out into the hall before Bellatrix saw him in the doorway.
"Scabior!" Bellatrix shouted from across the kitchen.
The head Snatcher winced as the sound of her obnoxious voice reached his ears.
"Get in here!" she demanded.
He walked into the kitchen, stepping over and maneuvering around broken dishes and crushed cereal boxes. He made sure to keep a safe distance, standing about ten feet away from her next to a pile of half melted petal pots.
Even at a distance he could tell that something was wrong. A muscle in the corner of her left eye was twitching. Her hands were shaking and she was unable to stand still. She continually paced back and forth, heedless of the mess on the floor as she stepped on and flattened a tomato.
"I need coffee, Scabior," she said. "Rodolphus has decided that I'm not to have anymore coffee. He took all of the coffee out of the house last night while I was asleep, and replaced it with this coffee substitute made from lima beans."
She said all of this rather quickly, wringing her hands as she continued to pace the floor.
"He thinks I drink too much coffee," she said.
"'Ow much are you drinking?" Scabior asked.
"Oh, not much. Only one or two dozen cups a day."
"Tha explains a lot..."
"Scabior!" she snapped, finally coming to a stop as she turned to face him. "My whole body is in utter turmoil without my coffee. There's an all out war raging inside of me and I'm losing!"
Her voice rose in volume until she was screaming the last couple of words at him.
Scabior took several steps back towards the counter. "Well wha do you want me to do about it? I can't just magic coffee out of thin air or pull it out of my arse for you."
"Find me some coffee!" she barked at him. "I came over here because I thought Lucius might have some, but I can't find where he's hidden it. Probably in cahoots with my husband. They're probably secretly plotting against me..."
"Look, Bella, I know where the coffee is. But if your 'usband says you aren't to 'ave any, then I think - " Scabior paused mid sentence, ducking as she threw a plate at him.
"Get me my fucking coffee!" she screeched. "Now!"
The head Snatcher had little choice but to do as she said. He practically ran to where Lucius kept the coffee, feeling very much like a house elf as he began serving her cup after cup of the delicious beverage that she loved.
As you can imagine this turned out to be a very bad idea. Because somewhere around her eleventh cup of coffee Bellatrix started to lose it.
This wasn't her usual level of insanity. This was something her sisters liked to affectionately refer to as "def con one empty the missle silo." Everyone in Bella's family knew that when she reached this stage there was nothing left to do but run. She'd slipped over the threshold into loony tune zombie mode, unleashing all her madness on the unfortunate Snatcher.
Scabior was forced to run as Bellatrix launched herself across the kitchen table, yelling and babbling insane nonsense about wanting to ride him like a horse.
"You're a horsey!" she cried, an unusual amount of excitement and cheer lacing her tone as she whooped and hollared like a five year old at an amusement park. "I'm a cowgirl and here's my horse!"
Scabior took one look at her as she charged across the table like a rabid squirrel on crack and bolted from the room. He ran down the hall and around the corner, with Bellatrix's wild, cackling laughter floating up behind him as she drew closer to catching up to him.
She was an incredibly fast woman. Scabior had never seen anyone other than Greyback who could outrun him. Though he wondered briefly if perhaps it was all the caffeine that had given her a sudden speed boost.
She caught up to him just as he was rounding the corner and heading down a flight of stairs. Midway down the stairs she grabbed him by his scarf that was trailing out behind him as he ran, yanking him off his feet and nearly strangling him in the process as he felt the plaid material tighten around his neck.
His feet went flying out from under him as he crashed down onto his back, knocking the wind out of his lungs. Seconds later he was rolling, tumbling head over heels down the stairs, taking Bellatrix along with him.
Bellatrix wasn't phased by Scabior pulling her down the stairs with him. She gripped the end of his scarf tightly in her fist and let out a loud "Whhheeeeee!" as they began their descent down the stairs.
When they came to a halt at the bottom of the stairs, Scabior was bruised, battered and bleeding from a broken nose. If Bellatrix had been injured from the fall she didn't show any sign of it. She was too busy laughing as she rolled over onto the carpeted floor.
Scabior groaned and started to crawl across the carpet, his body aching from head to toe. He had to get away from her. He had to escape. But he hurt so bad he could hardly move.
Before he could get very far, he felt his head and neck snap back as Bellatrix tugged on his scarf, dragging him across the floor.
"Get up!" she shouted. "Get up, you stupid horse!"
She kicked him over onto his stomach and sat down on his back.
"Giddy up, horsey!"
Bellatrix slapped him on the butt with the flat of her hand, bursting into song as she began to belt out the opening theme from Rawhide.
When Scabior finally gave up and deflated under her like a punctured pool toy, she tugged on the ends of his scarf like the reins of a horse, slapping his butt even harder and yelling, "Giddy up, horsey! Giddy up!"
By now Scabior was turning blue from lack of oxygen. The edges of his vision were darkening and he was getting light headed. In a last ditch effort to prevent himself from passing out, he gathered the last of his strength and started kicking and bucking as he tried to throw her off him.
This delighted Bellatrix to no end. "Yeehaaww!" she hollared as she rode Scabior around the manor. "Get along little doggy!"
Scabior slipped and fell over onto his side, which was enough to unseat Bellatrix and send her sprawling on the floor. He stumbled and fell twice as he attempted to stand, finally managing to get to his feet and run from the room.
Lucius Malfoy was just returning home, and was walking down the gravel path leading towards his house when Scabior shot out the front door and ran past him.
The blond aristocrat stopped, only a few yards from his front door and turned around. "Scabior, where are you going? What's going on?" he called out at Scabior's retreating form.
"It's Bella!" Scabior yelled, not pausing in his run as he pelted across the yard. "Run for your life! She's 'ad too much coffee an she's gonna blow!"
As soon as he finished his sentence, the ground began to tremble and quake. Lucius looked on in horror, his mouth open and his eyes wide with fright. Bellatrix was screaming, the shrill screech of her voice rising in volume like it was being amplified by a sonorus charm.
Lucius backed away from the front door of his house. He started to run. And then a massive explosion shook the earth as the west wing of Lucius' manor erupted in flames.
Sure enough Bella had exploded. Not literally, though. She just fired off a curse which took out a portion of Lucius' house.
And that is why you must never give Bellatrix coffee.