Fried Lice

A/N:This story was written as a Christmas gift for Sumatranfox. It was inspired by actual conversations and jokes with my beloved fox, and it all started with the words "fried lice."

Also, this is the last of the stories I'm taking down and adding to this collection. Everything after this will be new material.

As she sat alone in her prison cell, Bellatrix gradually began losing what little sanity she had left.

She hated being alone. She despised the cold, damp cell she was forced to dwelll in. And most of all she hated the food they served in Azkaban, which consisted of some sort of unidentified, indigestible mush. This vile, viscous liquid was always lumpy and pale grey in color, served cold to the inmates every morning and evening. Bella hated it, and so she began thinking of a way to improve upon the meager rations she was given.

Now being the horriby filthy person that she is, Bellatrix suffered from a dreadful infestation of lice. One day she began picking the lice out of her hair and off her dirty arse, then fried it up using her magic and added the fried lice to the daily bowls of mush she received at mealtimes.

Bellatrix thought that the mush seasonsed with fried lice was delicious, a wonderful symphony of flavors that was simply divine. And thus Bellatrix's fried lice casserole was born.

.oOo.

Time passed. Bellatrix continued making fried lice casserole in Azkaban for many years, never tiring of the taste of her insect ridden cuisine. Then one day Bella was set free during a mass breakout of her fellow inmates from Azkaban. She was finally free to share her cooking with the world! The thought of it filled her with tremendous joy, and she threw back her head, cackling a shrill, wicked laugh. There was only one problem - who would she cook for now that she was free? Because who in their right mind would actually want to eat fried lice casserole?

The answer to that question was simple - Lord Voldemort. Obviously he wasn't in his right mind anymore than Bellatrix was. Killing hundreds of innocent people wasn't exactly the actions of a mentally sane individual. So without a doubt Voldemort was the one Bella would offer her casserole to.

Later that evening as the Dark Lord sat down for dinner, Bellatrix served him some of her fried lice casserole. Voldemort tasted it and made a face.

"It's alright," he said rather blandly. "But it needs gravy. Everything tastes better with gravy, you know."

So Bella returned to the kitchen and quickly whipped up a batch of gravy. She also added lots of flour to her casserole dish, thickening the rancid, syrupy concoction to a consistency similar to that of lumpy mashed potatos. She then removed her panties and shook the remaining lice out of them into the frying pan, adding some herbs and freshly ground pepper to the mixture, along with a single large cockroach that had chosen that particular moment to crawl out from behind her left ear, and fried it all up in the pan.

When she had finished frying up her seasoned lice, she sprinkled the insects over the mashed potato casserole and gravy then added a sprig of fresh parsley to the side as garnish. There, a meal fit for a king.

Bellatrix was so proud of herself for making such a wonderful dinner for her beloved master. She was just about to return to the dining room with his dinner when Peter Pettigrew scampered into the kitchen.

Peter, who had changed into his rat form, liked to visit Bellatrix's kitchen with his rat friends due to the large amount of filth and decaying good scraps often found in the corners of the kitchen cupboards, on the walls and on the floor. He scurried up to Bellatrix and began lapping up drops of gravy that had spilled onto the floor.

"Get out of here, Wormtail!" Bella screeched, aiming a kick at the hungry rodent.

This made Pettigrew angry. He didn't like it when someone interrupted his evening meal and tried to forcefully eject him from the kitchen. He let out a series of loud squeaks, signalling the other rats to attack.

Bella looked up and her eyes widened with horror as hundreds of rats came running out from under loose floor boards and holes in the walls. They surrounded her, biting at her ankles and climbing up her legs. Bellatrix screamed and tried to fight them off, but her efforts were in vain as the massive swarm of rats overwhelmed her. Soon they were carrying her out of the kitchen door into the backyard as she continued to yell and struggle against the seething mass of vermin.

As the rats proceeded to bite and tear bits of flesh from Bella's body, Narcissa heard her sister's agonized cries and went running through the house towards the kitchen. She flung open the kitchen door and saw Scabior standing at the counter by the sink making himself a peanutbutter and grape jelly sandwich, completely ignoring the screams coming from the backyard.

Narcissa opened the back door and saw a mountain of rats swarming all over her sister. There were so many rats cover Bellatrix's body that only the tips of her fingers and one of her legs was visible.

"Scabior!" Narcissa cried, seizing hold of the Snatcher by his jacket. "Bella's being eaten alive by rats!"

Scabior looked at her and calmly took a bit of his sandwich. "So?"

"So we have to help her!"

"Yeah, good luck with tha," said Scabior around a mouthful of sandwich. He then turned around and walked out of the kitchen and down the hall.

"Dobby!" Narcissa called out.

The small house elf magically appeared out of thin air in front of her. "Yes, mistress?" he squeaked in his high, thin voice. "How may Dobby be of service to you?"

"We have to save my sister," Narcissa quickly replied, one foot already out the back door, her wand drawn. "The rats are after her again."

Dobby summoned a pan from out of the kitchen drawer, and wielding the large frying pan like a club, he ran out the back door behind Narcissa, ready to assist her in freeing her sister from the rats.

.oOo.

Several nights later, Severus Snape found himself staring death in the face as he backed up against the opaque window of the boathouse, Voldemort's massive snake coiled on the floor before him. He knew there was no way out. The Dark Lord wanted the full power of the Elder wand and was prepared to order his snake to deliver the final blow.

"Nagini," hissed Voldemort. "Kill!"

But the snake didn't move.

"Nagini!" barked the Dark Lord. "Did you not hear me? I am giving you an order!"

Severus blinked and gazed down at the snake. He noticed that she appeared rather bloated and sluggish. Was something wrong with her?

The large snake opened her mouth and burped up one of Bellatrix's shoes. Nagini had eaten Bella and was too full and sick from overeating to move. Infact, Bella was such a horribly filthy, insect ridden tramp that her entire body was like a toxic waste dump, and Nagini was being slowly poisoned by her noxious meal. In a few more minutes Nagini would be dead.

It didn't take long for Voldemort to realize that something was seriously wrong with Nagini. She was his horcux, and as she began to die he could sense another fragment of his already fragile and splinterd soul beginning to disintegrate.

Seeing his change, Severus decided to flee the scene while his master panicked over what to do about his dying snake.

Once outside and far away from the boathouse, Severus met up with Scabior.

"Scabior," said Severus. "Bellatrix is -"

"Dead, I know," Scabior interrupted, a wide grin on his face. "I 'eard from Lucius tha she took Nagini in 'er kitchen in 'opes tha she'd kill an eat the rats in there. But apparently Nagini was 'ungry for something more than rodents an ate Bella instead."

Severus glanced back over his shoulder at the fighting and destruction still going on back at Hogwarts. "What do you think, Scabior? Should we continue on our way and leave all this behind?"

Scabior nodded in agreement. "Yes, I think tha would be a lovely idea, Severus. Let those arse'oles fight things out amonst themselves. I quit."

"As do I."