Is This Your Card?
A/N: This is probably the most bizarre piece of crack nonsense I've ever written. Don't ask me where the idea came from. It just magically appeared from random plot bunny land.
It was just an ordinary night at Malfoy Manor. Lucius, Yaxley and Scabior were sitting at a table in the parlor playing cards. Lucius had won every game they'd played that evening, and it was starting to get on Scabior's nerves. He wondered if the pureblood was cheating, or had somehow charmed the deck of cards so that no one else could win.
He'd seen it before, wizards who rigged the game so that the cards would change if anyone other than the person who cast the spell touched them, resulting in jokers and sevens while the caster got aces and kings. He'd even used the spell a few times himself. But he didn't think Lucius would stoop so low as to cheat.
He watched Lucius, keeping a close eye on him to see if he could catch him cheating. He didn't notice anything unusual, except for the fact that Lucius kept moving and shifting uncomfortably in his seat all evening. He acted like he had ants in his pants, and kept reaching back to scratch his behind.
Scabior wondered if Lucius had caught fleas from Greyback. He was sitting in the same chair the werewolf had occupied the previous evening. Perhaps some of Greyback's fleas had jumped off and landed on Lucius. Either that or the pureblood had a bad case of hemorrhoids.
And then it happened. Lucius let out a monstrous fart and several cards flew out from under his butt. To the casual observer it appeared as though he had shot half a deck of cards out his ass, when in reality he had been sitting on them and sneaking them out throughout the evening.
The smell that followed was horrendous. Yaxley went into a coughing fit, fanning the air with his hand in an attempt to disperse the stink.
Lucius' face blushed six shades of red. "Sorry about that. Ever since my house elf decided to take an early retirement, my wife has been doing all the cooking. She likes making bean and broccoli casserole. It tastes good, however my ass finds it to be quite disagreeable."
Scabior raised an eyebrow, looking down at the cards scattered across the floor. Yaxley kept coughing, his eyes watering from the stench. It was too much for him to stand, and he slid out of his chair and collapsed to the floor.
The Snatcher leaned over the unconscious Death Eater and flicked him on the nose, trying to see if he could elicit a response. "Yep, I'd say tha probably killed 'im."
"No, of course not," said Lucius. "Yaxley always was an overly dramatic sissy. Just ignore him and let's finish our game."