Amycus Carrow and the Secret Fruits
Written for Maisie Malfoy, whose love of Amycus inspired this lovely piece of crack.
Of all the treats kept tucked away in Dumbledore's office, none was more mysterious than the delectable wonder known only as the "secret fruit". This fruit, which resembled a pomegranate in both taste and appearance, was rarely seen in the magical world, and caused an unusual affliction when eaten.
Once consumed, the fruit created an overwhelming desire to lick everyone and everything within a fifty mile radius. The person would also experience rapid growth in the area of their tongue, often causing it to grow more than eight inches in a matter of minutes. This condition was usually referred to as "caterpillar tongue", due to the unusual length and flexibility of the victim's tongue which could move and bend like an inchworm crawling across a bookshelf.
And why did Dumbledore have in his possession a hidden stash of cursed fruit? Well, let's just say there were times when he and Grindelwald enjoyed getting their magical freak on in a most wet and wild, tongue-filled licking extravaganza. It wasn't until Dumbledore had taken up residence in that great train station in the sky that Amycus Carrow, having nothing better to do now that Severus had become headmaster, decided to explore Severus' office while the headmaster was having dinner in the great hall.
Amycus located the stash of fruit in a compartment hidden behind Dumbledore's portrait, which gathered some amused snorts and giggles from the late headmaster. Obviously Dumbledore was not going to tell him what it was or what it did. He just sat there smiling serenely, a twinkle in his eye as Amycus devoured the first piece of perfectly preserved fruit.
It was so delicious, Amycus couldn't resist stuffing his face with Dumbledore's secret fruit. But when he went to lick the juice off his fingers, he discovered a most curious affliction had transformed his tongue into a long, wriggling appendage not unlike that of a four foot worm. And the colors! He was seeing spirals of glittering colors which, as the muggles say, was far out, dude.
He grasped his caterpillar tongue and stared at it for a good ten minutes, saliva trickling down his wrist and soaking his sleeve. And then it happened. He started licking the walls and furniture. He licked Dumbledore's portrait which caused the old man to break out in a fit of giggles. He licked each and every floorboard until he got splinters in his tongue, and that wasn't nice.
For a while he sat in the center of the room, trying to remember the incantation for vanishing splinters, when his sister walked in and saw him and his massive tongue.
He smiled when he saw her, and his tongue lifted off the floor and waved at her.
"Hi."
"Amycus Carrow, what on earth have you done?" she cried, her eyes widening in horror at the sight of his waving tongue.
"I got ouchies," he slurred, pointing at the splinters. "Any chance you could help?"
Now, despite being his older sibling, Alecto wasn't the type of person who was overly affectionate towards her little brother. They were Death Eaters for a reason, and so she stomped across the floor and seized his drippy tongue, examining it closely as she stretched it halfway across the room.
Amycus flapped and gurgled, waving his arms in an attempt to communicate his distress. He didn't like it when someone manhandled his precious tongue, although he rather enjoyed the fact that her fingers tasted like cheese. It made him wonder what other yummy taste sensations he might discover if he tried licking different parts of her anatomy. And while she was deciding on what to do about her brother's tongue and the splinters that adorned its surface, the last three feet of Amycus' tongue slithered across the floor and dipped into her sock.
"Mmmm, feet," he burbled, savoring the unique flavor that was his sister's foot.
Alecto shrieked and let go of his tongue, which then hit the floor like a waterlogged biscuit. His tongue was curling around her ankle when she leapt up and immediately ran from the room, leaving him to sort things out on his own.
By then the curse had started to wear off, his tongue visibly shrinking until it returned to normal size. But this wasn't the end of Amycus' tongue adventures. Because as soon as he finished vanishing the splinters in his tongue, he scooped up an armful of fruit and ran off with it, thinking it might be fun to save some of the delicious fruit for later.