No Substitute For Love
Written for the Death Eater of the Month challenge.
Prompt: Rodolphus
A/N: Shout out to Maisie Malfoy, whose awesome stories and forum activities inspired this random piece of insanity.
It wasn't unusual for Rodolphus to spend most of his time alone. His wife had run off with Lord Voldemort, Amycus was busy licking things, and Lucius was "entertaining the dementors in Azkaban", as Severus chose to call it.
But then things started getting worse. There was a newcomer in town, an attractive plant named Phil that Bellatrix met at Barty's wedding. Before long the amorous young couple were seen going everywhere together, with Phil riding along on her shoulder, his vines lovingly caressing the side of her face.
This was a low blow for the unfortunate Death Eater. Like a slap in the face, it was his wife's way of saying that she'd rather be with a plant than her own husband. It didn't help that people started spreading rumors, whispers and murmurs that spoke of their beloved master engaging in some rather sensual activities. Activities that involved his darling Bellatrix and that overgrown weed she carried around with her.
Left to his own devices, the lonesome Death Eater tried finding a mistress of his own, but his ventures into the world of foliage didn't go so well. The daffodils made him sneeze, and the rose bushes were too thorny, always pricking him in the rear and making him bleed.
When that failed, he decided to try meditation. His wife was always practicing turtle meditation, and according to those who worked with her, she found the activity rather soothing.
He borrowed his wife's book on turtle meditation, thinking it would be easy enough for someone just starting down the path of animal enlightenment. But try as he might, he just couldn't get the water in the kiddie pool to stay warm. It was always cooling off too quickly, and the turtle he was partnered with kept biting his ears and nose.
"That does it!" he exclaimed, aiming a kick at the hapless turtle. "If I wanted to be bitten on a regular basis, I'd rent a room at the Carrows and cover myself in chocolate sauce!" He then stepped over the rim of the kiddie pool, slipped on a caramel turtle his wife had left behind, and went sprawling on his back in eight inches of water.
After recovering from his nasty fall, Rodolphus went to see Yaxley, thinking he could teach him the ancient art of primate meditation. He wanted to learn how to meditate monkey style, only to discover that Yaxley knew every type of primate meditation there was, except monkey.
"I can teach you about chimpanzees and orangutans, even gorillas if you like," said Yaxley, who was up to his elbows in fried chicken. "But I'm afraid I haven't much experience with monkeys. Only had one for a moment, you see, before Dolohov stole it and used it as a bath pouf."
Rodolphus was confused. "Who offers a class on primate meditation but doesn't know anything about monkeys?"
Yaxley shrugged. "Ask the Maisie. She can probably explain things better than I can. After all it was her idea that I get a monkey in the first place. Though I suppose Fenrir probably knows a thing or two about how to meditate doggy style, if you're into that sort of thing." He then turned his attention towards a large bucket of fried tub of fried chicken and began stuffing his face.
Seeing this gave Rodolphus an idea. He would try his hand at cooking in hopes of luring his wife home for the evening. All he had to do was prepare a large mug of whipped cream topped with chocolate sprinkles and maple syrup, her all time favorite treat.
He bid farewell to Yaxley and returned home, setting a place for Bellatrix at the kitchen table before inviting her home for dinner.
It was a sorry state of affairs when he had to ask his own wife to come over and spend time with him. So to increase the chances of actually seeing her, he tried decorating the the dining room with candles and a scattering of rose petals, the air perfumed with the scent of heady scent of jasmine.
Bellatrix arrived at half past six in the evening, her dark curls flowing past her shoulders in a stunning display of beauty. Emerald and ebony met and formed waves of color around her neck, the venus flytrap tangling its branches in her hair, snagging the fabric of her dress.
"What is this?" Bellatrix queried, setting the flower pot on the table. She dipped a finger into the frothy cream that filled the mug on the table, bringing it to her nose and inhaling the delicious aroma of chocolate and maple syrup.
Her husband watched as she tasted the sugary substance, his mouth suddenly dry. He swallowed hard, waiting for her to look at him, longing for her embrace.
"Rodolphus," she said slowly, her back to him as she ran her finger through the chocolate sprinkles and whipped cream. There was a twisted smile curling her lips when she looked over her shoulder at him. "How kind of you to prepare this lavish meal for us. Though I think Phil might put on a bit of weight if I keep feeding him all this creamy goodness."