Shock The Monkey
Written for the Death Eater of the Month challenge.
Prompt: Antonin Dolohov
A/N: Shout out to my good friend Maisie Malfoy, who remains a constant source of ideas and inspiration. Seriously, go take a look at her stories. Specifically Letters From Azkaban if you want some good quality entertainment that'll have you rolling on the floor with laughter.
Most people weren't aware of the fact that Dolohov had expensive tastes. He wanted the finest things in life, such as imported dragon hide for coats and belts, the fastest, top of the line racing broom, and whenever he dined out, he would always go to the most expensive restaurant.
But alas, he had champagne dreams and a butterbear budget, meaning that he had to crawl up Lucius' backside and make with the kissy-kissy in order to have a little extra gold for spending purposes. Oh, how he hated being poor!
Then one day he received some fabulous news. His friend Yaxley had obtained a rare cotton top tamarin for his pen pal at Hogwarts. Surely this pen pal, whoever he was, wasn't worthy of such a fine, exotic animal. He probably didn't even know what to do with it, thought Dolohov, his mind overflowing with possible uses for the little critter.
His first thought was using the monkey's fur to make a luxurious pair of mittens. They would be so warm and cozy in the winter time, or any time he wanted to make a glorious fashion statement. The animal's bones could be made into a stylish new wand, and its brains could be used to make a delicious soup. But before all that, Dolohov wanted to try something he'd read in one of Lucius' bath and beauty magazines.
The latest issue of Soaps & Studs stated that animal bath poufs were all the rage with hot, young witches nowadays. People were enchanting everything from pygmy puffs to leopards, lathering them up with copious amounts of liquid soap, and using them to scrub down at the end of a long day. But Dolohov didn't know where to find a leopard, and Nagini had eaten the last of the pygmy puffs.
He waited until Yaxley had gone to bed then crept into his room and stole the monkey from its cage. He then noticed that this particular primate was all decked out in ribbons and bows with a tag attached to it that said, "To Harry Potter. From your Yaxleyness Yaxley."
Dolohov frowned, disgusted by the dangling ribbons and the lingering scent of fried chicken that clung to the monkey's fur. If the Dark Lord knew about this he would not be pleased. But for now the only thing that mattered was getting this monkey into the shower and cleaning off all the filth and grime after a day of Muggle hunting.
Using a brief Stunning Spell, Dolohov shocked the monkey with a jet of red light, then unceremoniously flung the creature over his shoulder and marched towards the door. He only made it three steps before losing his grip on the monkey and nearly dropping it on the floor.
He fumbled with the stunned primate like it was a bar of soap, grasping and tugging only to watch it slide right out of his hands. After several unsuccessful attempts at manipulating the flaccid beast, Dolohov sat down on the floor and groaned, his back against the wall, hoping that Yaxley didn't wake up and catch him in the act of fondling his pen pal's pet.
It was then he noticed the half empty bucket of fried chicken tucked under Yaxley's arm, the bedsheets stained with grease from all the fried foods Yaxley liked to eat. Indeed, everything in the room was coated in a layer of grease, almost as though Snape had waltzed in and proceeded to rub his hair on everything.
Dolohov looked at the monkey and saw that its fur was positively glistening with grease. Of course, why hadn't he thought of that? Yaxley had thoroughly lubed his monkey with oil from the fried chicken, making it as slick as a newborn mooncalf.
"Looks like both of us are in need of a shower," Dolohov muttered. He withdrew his wand and uttered a brief incantation, causing the creature to levitate. He then stepped through the doorway with the monkey proceeding him down the hall.
He took the next right and entered the bathroom, grateful to have escaped detection. The door closed behind him with a soft click, his clothes collecting in a pile on the floor next to the shower.
His wand on the bathroom counter, Dolohov picked up the monkey and carried it into the shower, being careful not to drop it on the floor. Though by now the Stunning spell was starting to wear off, the monkey twitching as he climbed into the shower and turned on the water.
Warm water sprayed into the creature's face, creating an oil slick on the shower floor. Nearly a quart of grease spiralled down the drain as Dolohov reached for the bottle of rose scented soap, determined to wash the filth off his newly acquired bath pouf.
My, what a luxurious delight, the rich later mingling with plush fur. It smelled so good he wanted to bury his face in its dense hair, and so he lifted the creature to his nose and sniffed, the bubbles tickling his nostrils and making him sneeze.
He began humming a tune as he scrubbed down with the fluffy primate, seizing it by the scruff of the neck and using it to wash his armpits. Next, he moved on to his back and lower regions, enjoying the damp bristle of hair as he slid the creature's tail between his buttocks. It was then that an earsplitting screech echoed off the bathroom walls, the monkey coming to life and clawing his posterior before grabbing the shower curtain and launching itself out the window.
Dolohov screamed and grabbed his rear end, cursing the furry little critter as it ran out onto the balcony.
After a short climb onto the rooftop, the monkey leapt through an open window and landed in an oversized mug of whipped cream. The unfortunate little critter was almost drowning in this sickeningly sweet concoction before it managed to swim to the surface, though not without swallowing a fair amount of hot fudge and parsley in the process.
Then came silence, followed by the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. A woman with tangled black hair appeared in the doorway, her shadow spilling across the table as she pulled a chair out and took a seat.
The frightened creature trembled, sinking into the warm clots of cream until only its eyes were visible.
"Hmm?" Bellatrix leaned over the mug, her gaze focused on the pair of eyes blinking up at her through tufts of cream. She then sat up straight and shouted, "Rodolphus, my dessert is giving me funny looks again!"