Dementor Housecleaning
It was just an ordinary day in the dementor household. Modesty was sitting quietly in the kitchen, her crayons and paper spread out on the table. Severus was attempting to hide several bags of cheesy crackers under his sister's dolls, and Gel was trying to escape the confines of his pants.
Barty, who was in no mood to deal with his son's usual pantlessness, grabbed the boy by the back of his shirt just as Grindelwald went skittering across the floor with his pants around his ankles.
"Listen to me," said Barty, his nails digging into the fabric of his son's clothing. There was a deep, reddish-purple flush coloring his cheeks, making him look like a prune that was ready to explode. "I would like to have some peace and quiet so I can watch Yodeling With The Stars. Do you understand?"
The child wilted. "Yes, daddy."
"Good." Barty released the child. "Now pull up your pants."
The toddler pouted and hiked his pants up, his lower lip trembling as he looked at Barty with sad puppy dog eyes. But this clever act did nothing to convince his father that the child should be allowed to go pantless in the house.
"Run along now," said Barty, giving his son a gentle pat to hurry him along.
"Humph!" Grindelwald balled up his fists and stormed out of the room. He was halfway down the hall when he turned and looked over his shoulder.
Barty had settled considerably, and was now searching for the remote so he could watch his favorite program. He felt something under his backside and rooted around for a minute, uncovering half a sandwich that one of their children had dropped between the cushions.
"Alessia!" he called out, holding up the moldy sandwich with two fingers like it was a dirty diaper. Curiosity got the better of him and he sniffed the sandwich. "Tuna," he muttered, wrinkling his nose in disgust.
A moment later his wife sailed into the room, gliding gracefully like she always did.
"I thought you were going to clean house this morning," said Barty, motioning towards the bluish-green hunk of bread.
Les sighed wearily and sucked up the sandwich. "I was, dear," she said, each breath scattering a load of stale bread crumbs which she promptly inhaled. "But Mary Lou escaped and rode her leaf machine through our back yard again. It took me over an hour to clean up all those leaves."
"Ah, yes, I see," said Barty, giving her a sympathetic nod. "I could help with the cleaning, if you want."
"No, that's alright," Les insisted, gliding towards the bookshelf. "The house isn't nearly as messy as the yard, so it won't take long."
By now Grindelwald had gotten bored listening to his parent's conversation. He crept along the hall then ducked behind the couch, his belt flying off as he dropped his pants under the furniture.
The child giggled and crawled around the corner, leaving behind his clothing as he headed for his brother's bedroom.
Meanwhile, his mother had begun the process of inhaling the dust on the bookshelf. This is how dementors dust, and within seconds the shelves were clean.
She moved to the carpet and started suctioning the dirt out of it. When she was finished, she inhaled the dust off the curtains and sucked three socks, a bronze Knut, a questionable magazine and an olive out of the couch cushions.
"Honey," said Les, tapping Barty's left knee. "Lift your feet so I can suck under the couch."
Barty smiled at her and put his feet up on the coffee table. "You're too good to me. You know that, right? And you do a magnificent job cleaning house."
Les leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She then drifted under the couch and started sucking.
All was well until a loud noise caused Barty to leap off the couch. "Alessia!" he exclaimed, and promptly dove under the furniture.
The Death Eater took hold of his wife's cloak and hauled her out from under the couch, where she lay coughing and spluttering like something was caught in her throat.
Modesty entered the room a minute later. "Daddy," she said fearfully, her eyes wide. "What's wrong with mommy?"
"It's nothing, Modesty," said Barty, giving his wife a slap on the back as she expelled a pair of pants onto the floor. "Your mother tried to suck under the couch and got clogged with your brother's pants again."
Les had barely finished catching her breath when the sound of maniacal laughter erupted from the yard. Both she and her husband looked up and saw Mary Lou riding her leaf machine through the flower garden.
"You know, I'm beginning to think that child really doesn't like us," said Barty. He then picked up his son's pants and headed out the door, leaving his wife and daughter to wonder what he was doing and why he was taking Gel's pants with him.
Barty made it halfway across the yard before being blinded by the light glinting off the silver rims on Mary Lou's leaf machine. Apparently the demon child had tricked out the training wheels on her leaf spewing hot rod, the vehicle bouncing up and down like some classic low rider as she flattened Les' daffodils.
"You little brat!" Barty roared, lifting a hand and using it to shield himself from the glare. "Where is your mother?"
Mary Lou spun in a circle, sending up a spray of dirt and dust. She carved a path of destruction through the yard, leaving behind a perfect figure eight before tearing off towards bushes.
"Enough of this!" Barty swung his son's pants in a circle over his head, whipping the fabric through the air where it caught on the wheels of her leaf machine. "Your reign of terror ends with me, Mary Lou."
A shower of pebbles and grass shot towards sky, the wheels spinning as Mary Lou tried desperately to get her leaf machine moving again. The child started to scream, her voice carrying across the neighborhood as Barty pulled back sharply and lifted her off the ground, leaf machine and all.
With a mighty heave, he sent the child soaring towards the neighbor's pool. The pants split right down the middle, and Mary Lou crashed down in the water, tears streaming down her face as she clung to her leaf machine.
"Mommy!" she wailed, the leaf machine sparking and spitting leaves all over the surface of the water. A second passed before the failing equipment exploded, sending her airborne once more.
"Let the people in the next county deal with her," said Barty, and with that he folded his son's pants, tucked them under his arm and walked up the path towards the front door.