I Feel Pretty
Written for the Toilet Dreams and Leaf Machines event on Morsmordre.
Where has all the toilet paper gone?
That was the question on everyone's mind as they woke up to find the cupboards bare and the shelves empty. If only they had known the truth, that the dark wizard Grindelwald had stolen the world's supply of toilet paper and was hoarding it in Nurmengard.
"Sir, I - I'm sorry," Credence stammered, keeping his head down as he spoke. "But I... I don't understand... Is this how we declare war on the No-Maj? By taking all of their toilet paper?"
The boy anxiously fiddled with his wand, turning it over in his hands. He looked up when he heard a sigh, the noise coming from behind a curtain in the master's bedroom.
"My boy, the first thing you must learn is that support is not gained by force," said Grindelwald, his warm, sultry tone issuing from behind the curtain. "One must always look presentable, not only because of the effect this will have on the general public, but because it is equally important to feel confidant - comfortable in your own body."
Credence was silent, squirming slightly and staring at the floor. A hand reached out from behind the curtain.
"Another roll please, Aurelius."
"Yes, sir." Credence acted without hesitation, snatching a roll of toilet paper from the pile beside the wardrobe and handing it to his master.
The minutes slowly passed. Credence watched the silhouette behind the curtain, moving, bending, lifting and separating.
The fabric was pushed aside, and there stood Grindelwald in a flowing black dress, his bra stuffed with copious amounts of pilfered paper.
"I feel pretty," he said, smiling as Credence's jaw dropped. "Toilet paper works best, you know. And I need plenty of it because breasts are terrible escape artists. I go to bed and everything is all nice and snug. Then I wake up in the morning and one of them is on the ceiling while the other is halfway to Paris."