Macnair Vs. The Tongue

Written for the Death Eater of the Month challenge
Prompt: Walden Macnair

A/N: Look at Macnair's profile picture on the HP Wiki. Doesn't he look like he smells something really bad? And he made that face while he was holding Luna Lovegood. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Also, this is the sequel to Don't Be A Showoff.

Walden Macnair watched as the transfigured Mulciber charged at the group of children. It was quite a sight, seeing the barking seal flipping and flopping all over the place. Most of the Death Eaters were in shock, but Macnair just shook his head and took off at a run, following behind his companion.

Luna, meanwhile, was desperately trying to retrieve an object from her purse. She paused in the corridor, stopping so suddenly that Harry was jerked off his feet and went down hard on his back.

The fall succeeded in knocking the wind out of him, the Death Eaters close behind while Luna rummaged through her purse.

"Luna!" Harry gasped, struggling for breath. "What are you doing?" He groaned and rolled over onto his stomach, looking up in time to see her remove a small bottle from her purse.

"The spotted fwooperdingle can only be attracted by using the correct scent," Luna explained, shaking the bottle.

She uncorked the bottle and was about to dab a few drops on her wrists when Macnair rounded the corner, colliding with the young witch. The bottle slipped from her hands, splattering the unfortunate Death Eater.

That's when he smelled it, the overwhelming smell of fish that had been left out in the sun for a week. It curled his nose hairs and burned his sinuses, making him choke and gag as he seized Luna Lovegood from behind.

"What... what the bloody hell is that?" he spluttered, doubling over and retching.

The girl flailed wildly, trying to escape. One hand struck him in the face, smearing the smelly liquid across his cheek.

"No!" Macnair shouted, jabbing her with his wand. "I spent ten years slaughtering all manner of creatures. If I can handle the stench of those filthy animals, then this... this is nothing!"

Lucius could tell that he was putting on a courageous act, his companion swaying slightly, still coughing from the fumes.

Bellatrix covered her mouth and nose with her hand, the Death Eaters retreating, scattering in all directions. Even Harry Potter was crawling across the floor, trying to get away.

But Mulciber, in his seal form, was thoroughly delighted by this fishy aroma. He flung himself at Macnair, pinning him to the ground and licking his face.

"Really, Macnair?" said Amycus, giving him a look of disapproval. "I leave here for five minutes and suddenly you're in charge of the licking."

Macnair screamed, unleashing a string of profanities as a second tongue descended from the heavens, battling for dominance with the slobbery seal. Their tongues slapped Macnair in the face, skated across his chest, and dripped inappropriate amounts of saliva down the front of his shirt.

"This is fascinating," Luna crooned, watching in awe as Amycus used his tongue to slingshot the seal across the room. "You rarely get to see a caterpillar tongue man in the wild, Harry. You know they transform into Moth Man, right?" she added, grinning and glancing back at Harry.

There was an audible splat as Mulciber struck the wall, sliding downwards and collapsing in a heap on the floor. Macnair, now thoroughly disgusted with the entire scene, seized the bottle of fishy liquid off the floor. He then grabbed Amycus' tongue and splashed the remaining liquid all over the drippy appendage.

This resulted in what Maisie would later refer to as "fish overload". Because nobody knew that Amycus really liked fish. Thus the resulting tidal wave of saliva flooded the Department of Mysteries and washed everyone out to sea.