Acts Of Tongue

A/N: This story was inspired by an article published in the New York Post where a Tennessee man stated that his neighbor's cows damaged his house by licking.

Sometimes it wasn't enough to lick everything in Malfoy Manor. Amycus' tongue was so inquisitive and tenacious that it couldn't be contained to a single building, or even a single continent.

When he was overcome by a profound desire to lick, and his wife was busy caring for his sibling, Amycus had no choice but to investigate the homes of their fellow Death Eaters. This often led to issues with their friends, because their homes were lacking in the protective charms Maisie had placed about the manor. This meant that the incredible might of Amycus' massive tongue could easily damage anything on the property.

The last time this happened, Bellatrix filed a claim for emotional damage against her fellow Death Eater, stating that Amycus had broken Phil's flower pot with his persistent licking, leaving the unfortunate foliage emotionally scarred and in need of therapy.

Yaxley also made claims against him, telling everyone that Amycus was the reason why he still didn't have a monkey for his pen pal.

"His tongue frightens the local wildlife, you know," said Yaxley, huffing out a frustrated sigh. "His tongue broke into my house while I was asleep one night and licked my pet chimpanzee, Butterscotch. Ever since then primates won't come near my house for fear of being licked."

"And how do they know about this licking incident?" Bellatrix queried, listening intently while stroking her traumatized plant. "Do they have some sort of mailing system like owls do?"

Yaxley nodded sagely. "Of course they do. Although nowadays it's mostly done with computers. I believe they commonly refer to it as Monk-e-mail."

This, of course, was just one of the many excuses Yaxley told whenever he was asked why he still didn't have the monkey he promised six years ago.

Amycus didn't appreciate having these lies told about his lovable and squishy tongue, so he decided to get his revenge by actually licking Yaxley's house. Because if Yaxley was going to go through all the trouble of making up this nonsense, then why not show him what a thorough licking was really like?

He waited until Yaxley was out and about doing various Death Eater activities before he began licking his house. He soon discovered that Yaxley's home tasted very greasy, like old chicken. But the caterpillar tongue man wasn't going to let that stop him. Using his muscular tongue, Amycus ripped the screen off a window, cracking the glass in the process. He curled his tongue around the rain gutter, licking it inside and out, then with one swift motion he tore down the rain gutter and hurled it into the lake.

Amycus licked the window screen that was now lying in the yard, only to find that it was quite bitter. When he was finished salivating over the fractured screen, he licked all the fried chicken in the house before vanishing into the night.

Now, of course Yaxley was able to magically repair the damage. However, when asked about the incident later on, he told everyone that he tried to file a claim with his insurance company. But the claim was dismissed because they didn't cover "acts of tongue", leaving him to pay for the damage out of his own pocket. This worked out in the end because he simply stated that he couldn't afford a monkey, not since he spent all his money repairing the damage left behind from Amycus' tongue.