Cosmic Turtle
A/N: This is a late birthday present for my friend Maisie Malfoy. It is a tribute to the greatest of all the Maisies, with inspiration coming from one of my favorite memes, some of Maisie's classic stories, mythology and Stephen King's Dark Tower series. Blessed be, my friends in insanity and chaos. And don't forget the cereal wipes.
"Do you know da wae?" This question, voiced by a sea turtle seeking salvation in the eyes of the great Queen Maisie. "My bruddas, we must find da queen! Only she knows da wae."
"Da wae! Da wae!" This simple sentence was voiced by a dozen others, a multitude of voices joining in, until more than a hundred flapping, flailing sea turtles took up the call. "Da wae! Da wae! Da wae! Da wae!"
All at once they stopped and looked around. There was a young man with glasses and a scar on his forehead sitting by the water's edge. The leader of the turtle clan crawled over to him.
"Do you know da wae?"
"What?" The boy was confused, scrunching his brow and narrowing his eyes behind his spectacles. So the turtle repeated himself.
"Do you know da wae?"
Silence. Clearly "the boy who lived" was not "the boy who gave directions".
"He does not know da wae," said one of the turtles, anger burning in his heart.
"Spit on him!" a second turtle exclaimed. "Spit on him, my bruddas! He does not know da wae!"
"Let me show you da wae of ebola!" yelled a third.
The turtles started clucking and spitting with the fury of a thousand enraged gazelle. They were also surprisingly fast, chasing the boy down the beach and covering him from head to toe in saliva.
"Why are u running?" the turtles called out, slathering his face and glasses in drippy mucus. "Why are u running? Why are u running? There is no point! Why are u running?"
Harry was forced to dive into the ocean in order to escape the enraged sea turtles, where he was promptly ripped to shreds and devoured by a shark.
"Da wae! Da wae! Da wae! Da wae!"
The chanting continued as the sea turtles flopped across the sand. After a while, they came across a boy with red hair and freckles. He was in possession of a jar of honey big enough to rival that of Yaxley's fried chicken bucket. The amber substance clung to his fingers, glistening in the sunlight while he shoveled the delicious sweetness in his face.
"Do you know da wae?" the lead turtle asked, approaching the Weasley child and looking up at him. "Do you know da wae mister... honey addicted man?"
"Uhh... what?" This boy was worse than the last. His gluttony was the only thing that could surpass his stupidity.
The leader of the turtle clan lowered his head. "Do not spit. We must pray for him, my bruddas. We must pray for dis one."
Together they bowed their heads and said a prayer for the ignorant slob, then they continued on their way.
They crossed several miles of pure white sand, past shells, rocks and palm trees, until they came across a pair of witches sitting on the shore. They were both Death Eaters. One of them had a pet sheep named Lulu and the other was busy picking grains of rice out of her hair.
"Da Queen!" spouted the lead turtle. But then he stopped, turning and looking at the pair of Death Eaters. "There are two queens. Which is da real one?"
"Are you da queen?" a second turtle asked curiously, approaching the lady who was weighted down by her mass of frizzy of hair.
"There cannot be two queens!" a third turtle chimed in. "There is only one queen!"
The frizzy-haired lady began singing to her pet sheep Lulu. The turtles watched in awe, seemingly entranced by the sound of her voice. To them it was the sound of an angel from the heavens. They considered her for a moment.
"My bruddas, I think she knows da wae."
"She is da queen!"
"Everyone, shut up! Da queen is singing!"
The lady with the sheep stopped suddenly, giggling and smiling at the sea turtle clan. She shook her head. "Well, I only know the way of the sheep, not the turtle. If you really want to know the way, you should talk to my friend and fellow Death Eater, Maisie Malfoy. Once she gets done removing all that rice from her hair."
The turtles turned and looked at Maisie. Yes, truly this was their queen.
One of the turtles looked at the girl with the frizzy hair and said, "You are the fake queen." His turtle brothers clucked in agreement and together they all went home with Queen Maisie.
.oOo.
And so the turtles ventured to the center of the universe to become one with their Creator, the cosmic turtle god Ves-Ka Gan and his heavenly spawn The Maisie. This process could only be achieved through turtle meditation, of which The Maisie was gracefully skilled and promised to educate her followers.
"For you have strayed far from the way of The One," Maisie preached, sitting crosslegged upon a bed of glorious shining cereal wipes that had been infused with her wisdom and insanity. "For too long you have wandered in the earthly realm, surrounded by the dreaded Normies. All your suffering will now be cast aside and you shall find salvation. My loyal subjects, let us come together in cereal wipes and rejoice!"
It was then that the great caterpillar tongue pierced the very fabric of reality as the turtles called out in unison, "All hail the great Queen Maisie! Praise be to Ves-Ka Gan and the cereal wipes, shinies and rice! Say Ka and be true!"
Maisie nodded, smiling serenely. "Long days and pleasant nights."
"And may you have twice as many!" the turtles chorused. They closed their eyes and soon a long, droning hum filled the spaces betwixt the stars themselves.
"Ooooooommmmmmm..."
Turtle after turtle followed their Queen, curling into a ball and humming, causing the caterpillar tongue to vibrate with the rising pitch. The tongue itself wrapped around the planet Earth a multitude of times while Ves-Ka Gan looked on in approval from his place above the world. All of humanity's past misconceptions and ideologies became gradually dispelled into certain madness. This was beyond rapture. It was the second coming of The Maisie, the licking of the tongue, to cleanse the world with dribbles of sacred saliva.
Maisie's daughter lay upon a bed of shinies and rice, black rose petals drifting through the air, spiraling on the wind. Truly, she was a baby angel, her wings revealed, like that of the cherubs who sang her praise. Happily she nibbled the forgotten limbs of a sniffy old lady. The ritual had begun at last. There would be much celebration throughout the kingdom.
Amycus' tongue soared through the cosmos, caressing the planet still, while simultaneously lifting his blessed sibling on high, and higher still, towards the height of the sun from whence she came. The ultimate shiny.
They drifted through their orbits with no thought for Normies who would perish on the day of the cataclysm. All had come before The Maisie and witnessed her glorious cereal wipes, and turtles everywhere rejoiced as Amycus' tongue knelt down, shoveling the barren earth and rasing new mountains. From this a new world was born upon the back of Ves-Ka Gan, and it was shiny and good. Hallelujah.