AN: With this chapter, this fic is officially over 100,000 words long.

The week of the ball had come, and I had to beg off my tutoring under Mr. Keller until after the event. I was so busy with a hundred small tasks to help with the ball, not to mention the last fittings for my dress. Along with the interview that I had arranged with the Times, it was too much to add the mornings at the office. Mother had allowed me the use of the reception room at the Fifth Avenue house for the interview, she had been invited to tea by some society lady who felt like taking sympathy on a widow. Looking around the room, it seemed so different from when the will reading had been held. The flower arrangements had been cleared away, the wood polished and the floors shining in the light from the cleaned glass in the windows.

I made sure everything was perfect before I nodded to the butler to see in the reporter from the Times. The tea and other refreshments had been laid out, and an extra table provided for the reporter's writing paper. The servants had arranged a pair of chairs across from each other over a low table, and I positioned myself so that I could see the door. When he entered, a rather shabbily dressed man, I greeted him happily. "Mr. Roberts, please take a seat."

He nodded, "Miss Dalian, thank you for agreeing to see me."

"Of course, I am only sorry that it took so long." I sat across from him, folding my hands across the black silk of my skirt. "Shall we begin?"

"I won't be quite as formal as Senator Smith," He laughed, pulling out his paper and a pencil. "Perhaps you could just start when you first awoke that night. What did you first notice?"

"That the engines had stopped, I had gotten so used to them that their absence was startling."

"And what was it like when you first heard the ship was sinking? Were you surprised?"

"We all were, you don't expect to hear that when travelling." I tried to remember back to that night. "It was quite a shock to have Mr. Murdoch tell us."

"You've proven yourself quite his defender. We at the Times are glad to hear it, he was very sympathetic during the inquiry. He did all he could, did he ever tell you how they made it to the boat?" I could easily discern the flattery in his words, and the most I could say for the Times was that they had remained impartial in their coverage of the inquiry. None of the papers had leapt to defend any of the crew, let alone the officers

"I believe he answered that during the inquiry."

"Nothing he told you specifically?" His pencil stilled. I had a brief flash of Will's face that night on the Carpathia, when he had told me he had wanted to throw himself into the water but it was only his promise and Charles's diligence that had prevented him.

"No, I'm afraid nothing specific. We did not discuss that night much."

"Now, you rowed back to the wreckage. You didn't want to leave the boat and let a crewman do it?"

"I'm afraid I was in quite a shock that night. I never even considered leaving the boat. I felt I would rather row than sit and wait." I drew in a breath, trying to keep my composure. "Rowing back to the wreckage was no heavy task. It was only in the wreckage that we truly saw the horror of what had happened."

"You saw bodies then?"

"Yes, enough that it seemed to lose all scale. We rowed through the field, checking bodies as we past them for some sign of life."

"But you found some survivors? Do you remember any of them?"

"I could barely see outside of the lights one of the officers held. I remember there was a girl, a young woman really, wrapped in a blanket and handed back. There was an injured man, he died in the boat. I heard him stop breathing. I truly could see little, so I could not tell for sure how many we pulled out of the water."

"You were the one who heard the crew on the capsized boats first, correct?"

I furrowed my brow. "Where did you hear that?"

"I have interviewed some of the other crew, they spoke very highly of you. Said you called out that you heard the others. They also said you never complained about the rowing the whole time. Quite commendable, I could hardly get some of the other women to tell their stories they were so focused on the outrage of having to row a lifeboat."

I couldn't help the blush on my cheeks, praying that Charlie and Byron hadn't reveled the cursing lessons they'd given me. "I did hear them, it was very faint and hard to tell where it was from in the dark. We were able to track them down though, they had drifted quite a ways off from the wreckage."

"Do you remember when you first found the men standing on the boats?"

"Of course, it was a surprise to see them standing in the water. Especially as the swell set the boats to rocking. I was glad to see them though, it was quite upsetting to have pulled so few people from the wreckage."

"And this was when you reunited with Mr. Murdoch?"

"No, I did not see him again until we had brought all the boats back to the others. I do hope that you're not going to make this into some sentimental romance." I let a bit of edge into my voice. "It was not a very romantic time."

Mr. Roberts gave me a bright smile. "Well, I must admit some of our readers are curious. Your defense of him has led to some rumors." He leaned over and made a note on his papers, "If you could dispel some of those rumors, it might be better for you in the long run."

"I could tell you something," I coyly glanced away, "So long as you reported it in the most respectful manner, of course." What would it matter to tell him? Our courtship would have to come out at some point. Perhaps it would be better for me to announce it instead of letting the gossip mills run.

"Miss Dalian, I would never dream of being disrespectful about what you went through." His pencil was poised, "Will you continue?"

I drew in a breath, I could do this. "Mr. Murdoch actually received my father's permission to court me the night before the sinking. He had accompanied me on several promenades during the voyage and I guess you could say we took a fancy to each other. He raised the issue with my father during a dinner we had invited him to, and my father consented."

"So during his time here, would you consider what went on appropriate conduct for a suitor?"

I suddenly wished for my veil, feeling certain that a blush would break out in my cheeks as I remembered Will's hand on my breast and his mouth on my neck as I writhed against him. "Of course, in the entire time that I have known him he has never acted inappropriately. He is the very model of a respectful officer." I felt a twinge in my heart though, two weeks since he had left and only a single telegram telling me he was safe. Not a single letter.

"Then you feel quite strongly for him, and I'm assuming that he must feel the same."

"I am lucky in my suitor, I suppose." A suitor who hadn't sent me a letter since he had left. Who was far away and had left me here. I calmed myself, reminding myself that mail took time. It was over 3,000 miles from New York to London. And no doubt he had plenty of things to attend to. "He is a fine man and I will do all that I can to show that his character is unimpeachable."

"Of course, Miss. You must be very sure of him, especially given you slapped Zachary Reichster over a comment like the one he made." He gave a little chuckle as I blanched. The details of what Zachary said hadn't been written, how did he know? "Don't worry, the society columns have already forgotten about that. And my sources have moved on as well. They're feasting on Lady Duff Gordon now. Have you heard about them bribing the sailors not to go back?"

"Everyone has heard by now." I felt a smile break out, "Did you know the Reichsters were in that boat?"

"Really?" His pencil fairly flew, "We had heard they were on a later boat, not the millionaire's boat."

"No, I can assure you. I saw them lowered down."

"You remember being up on the deck then, could you tell me why you didn't board any of those boats?"

I gripped the fabric of my skirt, racking my mind. "The thought never crossed me to board, they were calling for women and children and those that were there were so frightened. They didn't know anything about ships, while I've been crawling on them since I was a baby. I thought to give them some confidence, showing them that there was nothing to fear by getting in the boats."

"And you let most of the boats get away before you got in, correct?"

"Yes, I witnessed Mr. Murdoch loading his last boat."

"Where he threatened to shoot people trying to rush it?"

"Yes, he did. The sailors were trying to get the boat into the davit and the men were rushing it. If Mr. Murdoch hadn't threatened them they would have thrown the boat overboard and jumped onto it."

"And that was when you pushed forward?"

"Yes, I had gathered a good group of women and children and I pushed forward with them. Mr. Murdoch loaded them into the boats, but was unable to prevent the rush of men that pushed past him. His gun went off, above all our heads. The sudden weight sent the boat down and they were pushing off before the sailors could do anything."

"So Mr. Murdoch got you to a boat, and then you heard Mr. Lowe fire his gun. What was it like when you decided to row back?"

"I wasn't thinking, I just couldn't stay and do nothing."

"Can you tell me what the wreckage was like?" He glanced over, and must have felt chagrined when he saw my face. "Never mind, enough of that. Everyone has seen the affidavit you filed. What did you think of the inquiry?"

I sipped at a glass of lemonade. "I found Senator Smith to be woefully ill equipped to deal with the issues brought up, someone more experienced with maritime matters should have been put in charge."

"I think you'll find that a common opinion." Mr. Roberts chuckled, "Sniveling Smith, I think they're calling him."

"Rather apt," I smirked, "Is there anything else you'd care to ask me?"

"Mrs. Brown's ball on Saturday, will you be attending?"

"Well, I am in mourning." I demurred, "But it would not be right for me to stay away from such a charitable function. I will be in black though, and refraining from the entertainments."

"No dancing then?"

"I'm afraid not, I will be assisting Mrs. Brown with collecting donated funds."

"Perhaps your story might see an increase in those funds," Roberts stood, holding out a hand. "I'll delay the column to line up with the ball, should draw a bit more attention to it."

I smiled as I shook his hand, "Mrs. Brown and I would be ever grateful for it." I didn't linger long, I had enough waiting for me at home to tend to. When I returned, Peggy informed me that Morgan Fields was waiting for me in the kitchen. I actually gave a genuine smile at that, handing Peggy my gloves as I rushed down to see her. Morgan had apparently sent the cook and her helpers off for a rest, preferring to knead the bread out by herself. Ignoring the flour that was getting into my clothes I rushed into her, holding her close. "Oh, Morgan. I am so glad to see you." I would have been glad to see anyone beyond Mr. Keller and Mrs. Brown at this point. To have Morgan here, it was bliss.

She gave a laugh, gently shoving me away. "Give me a moment girl, this is almost done." She gave the bread a few more kneads before throwing a towel over it. "Now, I want you to tell me everything. Peggy's been ringing the other house like crazy, your mother is quite concerned."

I blushed, "I'm fine, really."

"Anastasia." Her voice was firm, "You tell me true now."

So I did, telling her how since Will had left I couldn't sleep. None of Peggy's methods had worked consistently, not the lavender, not the tonics, not even a slight bit of laudanum that I knew she had added to a glass of water she had brought me one night. The nightmares still came, and I had scared a maid half to death one night when she had found me screaming. I had begun keeping a pillow beside me, to try and muffle my screams when I woke. It was hard to fall back to sleep after that. Peggy found me most mornings at the desk, a glass of whiskey or brandy by me, and dark circles under my eyes. I kept trying to distract myself with anything, but nothing seemed to work. Nothing but having Will by me was reliable.

She moved by me, taking my a hand. "It must be trying to be separated from him after all this. You must really care for him."

I breathed in, taking in the scent of the kitchen as I settled on my course. "Morgan, I love him."

"Well, that's some welcome news. Hopefully you haven't been loving him too much though, a grandchild on the way would just break your poor mother right now."

I clapped my hands to my burning cheeks. "Morgan!"

She quickly pulled them away, examining cheeks that I'm sure were as red as apples. "Anastasia, you haven't-"

"No!" I shook my head wildly, "We've just kissed." I was not going to tell her how I had bared myself to him, how we had come so close to ruin. But I looked at Morgan's brown eyes, Morgan who was basically my aunt, Morgan who had changed my diapers when I was young and Mother was overwhelmed. She had held that over my head for years, and I couldn't help myself. "But, I've wanted to do more. I want him so badly, but he says he won't get me pregnant and so we haven't done anything beyond kissing, I swear."

"Peggy says you've been sharing a bed."

"Only to sleep, the nightmares didn't come when I was with him."

"He's a horrible man you know," She held up a finger to stop my interruption, "He's a widower I've heard, so he should know there's plenty of ways to please a lady without risking a pregnancy."

"Morgan, what do you mean?" I couldn't help my natural curiosity, the thirst for this forbidden knowledge too great. "Do you, do you know these ways?"

"Anastasia, I told Abraham after the twins I would not have another. People can get very inventive when they love each other and want to avoid another child," She turned to the loaf of bread, whipping off the towel. She pulled a section off, rolling it out in her hands. "Now, first I'm going to show you what their equipment looks like, then we'll get into exactly how you can use it. And then we'll cover your own." She used the bread dough to illustrate these points, rough models that she used before smashing them back into the bowl.

Morgan was very thorough in her explanation, and I almost wished that I had a pen and paper to take notes. It was the most I'd ever learned of what a man and a woman could do with each other, beyond the most basic act. The questions I asked were halting, and involved a good deal of gesturing when I couldn't quite find the words to describe what I meant, but Morgan happily answered them. It seemed there were many different ways to find pleasure with someone you loved, even if her frank descriptions made me blush so hard I felt I would never return to my normal coloring.

Later that night, when I was alone in my bed, I set myself to turning the lessons into action. I remembered Will, back on the train, the weight of him on top of me. Tracing where his own hands had been with my own was not as good, but I could feel that desire smoldering in me. The hardness that I had felt then, and later in his lap, Morgan had said that was how men showed their desire, that it was sensitive and it felt good to them when it was touched. Thinking on it, Will was probably just trying to keep himself from going farther with me when he had moved away when I had touched it. I tried using the back of my hand to replace it, letting it drift between my legs.

Like my touch, it was nice but it wasn't the same. I could feel my breathing getting deeper though, and when I set my fingers to exploring myself I felt my breath hitch. It felt strange, I had never done this before, but it didn't feel bad. I could feel the small bump that Morgan had described, what she said was the seat of my pleasure. The way she had talked about it made me think that just touching it would, as she put it, send me over the edge. The first touch didn't, but as I set myself to stroking it, I could feel the fire in me rising. I thought back to being in Will's arms, the feeling of his lips on my breast, and the way I had sounded.

The pace of my stroking increased, and I could hear myself beginning to moan. I tried to keep it quiet, I didn't want any of the staff coming in to find me pleasuring myself. But God, I could feel that clenching in my belly again, and I let my body move with it. Will, Will in my arms and his hands on me, both of us finally joining, the hardness of him replacing the skinny fingers that were a poor imitation. Oh God, to have him on me, in me, to have him kissing me, and hear him moaning in my ear.

I came with a muffled cry, clapping an arm over my mouth. My breathing was unsteady for a moment, before I was able to gulp down enough air. It felt like my entire body had seized up, as if every muscle in me had cramped before releasing in such a delicious pleasure that I now knew why Will didn't want to continue that night. If it had been like that, and I could only think that it might be better with him, I would have gladly given myself to him if I had known what it would be like. I wondered if it would have been that good for him. I made my way unsteadily to my bathroom, washing my hands and returning to bed. Maybe this would work, maybe I could finally get a decent night's sleep.