Chapter 4

Elphaba didn't know how much time had passed by the time there was a knock on the door to her new quarters.

Quickly, she hurried to the door and opened it. At last, Severus was coming to pick her up and she might get a little closer to the answers. Unfortunately, instead of Severus, who she had been expecting, Minerva McGonagall was standing outside.

"Oh."

"You were expecting someone else," Minerva said when she saw the surprise and disappointment on Elphaba's face.

She nodded.

"I'm afraid Severus is indisposed," Minerva explained. She guessed why Severus hadn't picked Elphaba up. His other master had probably called him. Minerva couldn't understand how Albus could let that situation happen. Hadn't Severus atoned enough? Had he more than sufficiently redeemed himself?

Minerva could hardly stand to watch - every time Severus came back from You-Know-Who, he had to report to Albus first. And sometimes she was present at these moments. Saw with her own eyes what he had to endure - crucio. At least that was his Master's favorite curse - as Severus had once told her.

So couldn't Albus finally put an end to it? Minerva knew what Albus would say if someone asked him about it - having a spy in his ranks is too important. Yes it was important, but what use was a spy if he ended up like Frank and Alice Longbottom? Unable to function properly. Unable to speak. Or to remember.

Sometimes Minerva hated Albus for using them like pawns on a chessboard - Severus, Remus, Harry, herself and now Elphaba. Minerva knew that Albus would make use of Elphaba as well, even if he had only given a vague hint.

"Okay," Elphaba wasn't sure what to say.

"Come on child, let's sit down. Or shall I show you the castle?" Minerva inquired.

Elphaba hesitated. On the one hand, she had so many questions that she thought Minerva could answer, but on the other hand, she wanted to explore this place. So far, she had only seen the wizard's office, the office of the man called Dumbledore. And her new quarters.

"Or do you want something to eat? You must be hungry. Since Severus didn't pick you up, you weren't at dinner."

"Not so much."

"Well, if you do need anything or if you are hungry, call Topsy. She's my personal house elf and has been in the service of my family for many years. Topsy will take care of you and bring you anything you need."

Elphaba had never heard of house elves. They didn't exist in Oz. She wondered what else there was here that she hadn't known before. However, the most important question was probably a different one.

"What is this place? This Hogwarts."

"Well, it is a school."

"Like Shiz," Elphaba muttered.

Elphaba felt a sense of foreboding for a moment - it was as if everything was about to happen again. Hogwarts Was Shiz. She would make a friend and fall in love again - causing pain and death to everyone around her.

OH NO, absolutely not, this time she would avoid that. And she wouldn't make a friend and fall in love. All would be well this time. Nobody would die, at least not because of her.

She might leave Hogwarts and be back in Oz very soon. Back in the place that only meant pain and loss to her. But Oz was also the place where she belonged.

Minerva didn't seem to notice Elphaba's thoughts, and continued her story without a hitch.

"Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago - I don't know when, the precise date is uncertain - well, it was founded by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age. The four school Houses are named after them: Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Salazar Slytherin und Helga Hufflepuff. They built this castle together, far from prying Muggle eyes-"

"Muggle?"

"People without magic", Minerva answered, "Well back then, it was an age when magic was feared by common people, and witches and wizards suffered much persecution."

"Yeah, I know that feeling. I've been punished with it too. With magic. It's a curse."

"No it's not," Minerva disagreed vehemently, "Magic can be something wonderful."

And she hesitated only briefly, but a moment later a cat sat in her place on the armchair. Elphaba was surprised. And then, when the cat changed back into Professor McGonagall - she was at a loss for words. Elphaba had never seen a magic like this before. Then again, she had never been to such a place and had only ever known Madame Morrible, who, like her, also had magic. Albeit only magic that controlled the weather, mostly.

"Wicked."

"You see, magic can be something beautiful. Just as it can do cruel things." Minerva knew that this little trick amazed the First Years, and apparently Elphaba had fallen for it too.

"I know. My magic has only caused people pain," Elphaba confessed. And she was surprised at herself for admitting such a thing to a complete stranger. Yet somehow she had the feeling that she could trust Minerva McGonagall, that she could confide in her. At least to some extent. But not today. First of all, Elphaba herself had to truly realise what had happened in the last few hours, well in the last three days. Just how much everything had changed.

" So can you show me the castle," Elphaba asked. She wanted to get away from this conversation. Oh, and she was curious about this Hogwarts. Wanted to see everything. Wanted to get to know the place where she would probably stay for a while. Nevertheless, she had the small hope that she would return very soon. She might wake up tomorrow and be back in Oz, in Kiamo Ko.

"Of course I would. Is there anywhere you're particularly interested in that we should go to first?"

And Elphaba knew exactly where she wanted to go. The place that drew her in. It was a place where she had immediately felt at home, too, in Shiz.

A while later, Ephaba went through the rows of books in the library. She felt like a child in a candy store, just as she had felt when she entered the Emerald City. Excited. There were so many books. And she knew that she would find the answers she was looking for in one of the books. All she had to do was find the one that held them. After all, she knew that books had all the answers - and so far she had always found them. Well, except for the answer to the question of why she was green. That said, Elphaba sensed that the answer was very close. She was going to get this question answered too.

With a determined step, she approached one of the shelves and reached for one of the books - Fantastic Beasts and where to find them. Well, maybe not exactly what she was looking for, but Elphaba took the book with her, she would read it. She would certainly learn a lot about the Animals here.

Elphaba turned around, searching. Apart from a few students, she didn't see anyone who could help her. Perhaps she should ask Madam Pince, who Professor McGonagall had introduced her to when they had entered the library before leaving her to explore the library on her own. No, she would just pull another book off the shelf in the hope that it held more information. Or maybe a couple.

A little later, Elphaba left the library with only four books and made her way to her quarters. She would be back quite soon to pick up some more. But so far - Hogwarts A History, Moste Potente Potions and The Standard Book of Spells - First Year had caught her attention as well. Made her curious.

And something else left her curious. Could she use magic here too? Or had she lost her magic when she left Oz. Could she be what they called a muggle around here? But Elphaba was afraid to try. Afraid to open the cursed book again. Especially now that she knew what damage the book could do. Her gaze wandered over to the grimoire - to where it lay on the table.

She looked at it for a long time. She tried to figure out what its true meaning was. It was actually quite plain, an ordinary book. The exterior did not indicate that the book had done terrible things. That SHE had done terrible things with the help of the book. No, it had to go. No more harm could come of it. Elphaba had to make sure that the book could no longer cause any harm. Elphaba walked over to the book.

At that moment, when she stood in front of the book, looking directly at iht, Elphaba felt an overwhelming fury rise up inside her. She felt the fury rising inside her, towards the book, the wizard, Madame Morrible, herself - towards everything and everyone. She had to stop it - once and for all. Perhaps she ought to burn it, then this book wouldn't cause any more evil. Why hadn't it stayed in Oz? Why had the book ended up at Hogwarts with her?

Determinedly, she walked over to the fireplace with the book in her hand. Ready to throw it into the fire.

"Bye, bye, you damn book," Elphaba muttered, extending her arm towards the fire. However, she paused in mid-motion. What if this book was the one that would take her back to Oz? Or what if this book was meant to be here at Hogwarts? Maybe it travelled with her to Hogwarts because it couldn't do any harm here? Or because there was someone here who could destroy it once and for all? Or, that the spells would only do good here.

Elphaba put the book back in its place and looked at it for a moment.

"You damn book - why don't you just tell me your secret? Why are you torturing me like this? Argh" - she just didn't know what to do.

She sank to the ground in despair. The moment when her emotions got the better of her had finally arrived. Too much had just happened in a short span of time. Only yesterday, she had been lying in Fiyero's arms, and had felt loved. Only to lose that brief moment of fleeting happiness forever. It was overshadowed by pain and death forever. From now on, whenever she would think of Fiyero and the moment under the stars, she would always remember the pain and his death. What she was guilty of. All the terrible things that had happened.

First her sister was killed - crushed under a house. And then Fiyero - because of her. Well, indirectly she was responsible for his death, anyway. If he hadn't loved her, he would still be alive.

The first tear made its way down Elphaba's cheek. And then a second. And then she started to cry. Tears rolling down her face. Her emotions had a firm grip on her, like a hurricane in whose center she was trapped. Her sobs were the only sound in the silence of the room.

Elphaba wasn't the only one struggling with her feelings at that moment. By now, Severus had also apparated back to Hogwarts. At the moment he was standing in the headmaster's office and confessed to him that he had told his master about Elphaba.

"He knows about her. The Dark Lord, I mean," Severus said.

" About our guest?" Dumbledore asked to be sure.

"Yes."

"How come?" Dumbledore wondered if perhaps he wasn't the only one who knew about the prophecy.

"I told him." He knew he couldn't just say 'I am sorry but it was too much crucio' to the Headmaster. Minerva might understand, but not Albus.

Dumbledore looked at him in surprise. And there was something else in Dumbledore's gaze that Severus could not interpret at that moment. Something flashed through his eyes for a moment - it seemed to be a flash of anger. Towards him. Fury. Yes, that was what Severus would call it if he were asked what he had seen in the Headmaster's eyes in this moment.

"We had not discussed what you were allowed to tell him about Miss Thropp," Dumbledore scolded him.

"I had to."

"No, you should have asked me first. When he first summoned you, you were supposed to talk to me before you responded to his summons."

And yet, Dumbledore actually knew that Severus wouldn't have had that time. Making Lord Voldemort wait - that would have meant worse than being hit by the crucio once or twice.

Dumbledore got up from the chair behind his desk and paced restlessly back and forth in his office. He did not like this at all. He had to act. Before Tom did. That Severus had spoken about their guest just like that, no, that was not acceptable at all. Severus was only allowed to share with his other master what he allowed him to. He, Albus Dumbledore, made all the decisions. And no one else. Especially not Severus. No. Never.

Dumbledore knew that there was only one thing he could do now, or rather had to do. Much sooner than he had actually planned. But Severus' foolish actions had forced his hand.

"She'll be at the next meeting of the Order. I will make her a member of the Order," Albus then said as he stopped his pacing.

"Do you think that's a good idea? We don't even know which side she's on yet," Severus said.

"You didn't give me a choice when you told Tom about her. When you made such foolish decision- And before he gets her on his side, we have to show her that our side is the right one."

Severus nodded. He would, of course, bow to the Headmaster's will. As he always did. He had no other choice. Severus knew that he was forever in Albus Dumbledore's debt. And yet he didn't have to like the Headmaster's decisions. It was one of many that he did not like. It was like the time, more than two years ago, when Remus Lupin had gotten the job he so desperately wanted. Or when he had recently ordered Severus to teach the fine art of Occlumency to James Potter's son.

Even though he knew that he would end up doing what the headmaster demanded, he made one last attempt to stop Albus Dumbledore from allowing Elphaba into the Order at this point.

"And what if she's deceiving us all? What if she is on his side after all or joins him? What if she reveals our secrets to him?"

'Well, someone else has already done that.'

Only all those years as a spy kept Severus from losing his cool. That was a low blow - Albus Dumbledore. Severus knew very well what mistakes he had made as a young man.

And so he just nodded and then left the Headmaster's office. Before he said anything that he would alter regret. On the way back to his rooms, Severus paid no attention to where he was going. He knew that no student would be foolish enough to try to get in his way - well, except a few foolish Gryffindors. But this time, no one dared to cross his path.

With a bang, the door to his quarters slammed shut behind him. Now, if he was someone who let his feelings out by screaming, Severus would do it now. Screaming. Out of anger. Out of despair. Simply to let out his pent-up feelings. Yet he did none of that.

He leant back against the door for a moment. Taking deep breathes - in and out. Attempted to calm down. But he found it very difficult to do so. He had a hard time suppressing his feelings. At least this time. However, he could try something else.

"Poppy needs some potions", he mumbled and walked over to his private lab.

Yes, brewing potions had always calmed him. The repetitive, methodical movements. The monotony of the action. It was calming. Better than any muggle breathing technique. And yet, today, brewing wouldn't bring him the relaxation he wanted, the relaxation he craved. Severus stared at his hands - fortunately, the trembling was barely noticeable. But it was there. He could see it. He could feel his hands shaking - an aftereffect of the curse. Over time, he knew that the trembling would get worse the more he experienced the crucio.

He closed his eyes for a moment. He knew what would come next. What awaited him. What the future would bring. The things that would eventually happen to him. At some point, his hands would no longer stop shaking. At some point it would be so bad that he would no longer be able to hold a spoon. Could no longer eat without help. No longer be able to brew a potion because his hands were shaking. At that point, he would be useless.

Severus knew he needed a plan - for the time when he could no longer brew potions. Maybe then Dumbledore would finally give him the longed-for position as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Or he could open his own shop.

Maybe then he could prove that he was much more than Spy and Potions Master. More than one pawn on the chessboard that Albus Dumbledore controlled.