scars from the sun: Thank you!
bored411: Thanks!
Akari Wolf Princess: Honestly the best romances are the ones where the characters don't even know they're falling in love until they have the "oh" moment. Frigging love that stuff lol
bbymojo: Last chapter was pure 100% fluff indulgence and I won't apologize, haha! Thanks!
Ale250496: Most chapters won't go straight into the next. I'll make a mention of when they will. So, since the actual dinner scene won't be in this chapter, I will say that the dinner was very tense. But Akito and Yuuichi both begrudginly admit that the paella was great. Thanks a lot!
Gilmore: Here's a kinda-Christmas chapter! Just thirty-five days sooner and it would've come out *on* Christmas...
Nina9802: It's a good thing that her loopiness wasn't caused by the twins or Tamaki because if that was the case and Kyoya found out, he would have murdered them. Lol thanks for the review!
Nana-san14: No spoilers, but I will say that Kohta's role in this story isn't completely done just yet. ;)
Mili San Luis: Thank you!
a lazy bookworm: Thank you so much!
Lillyann: Thank you!
If she weren't so focused on roasting the chestnuts, Kosuke might have been entranced by the snowfall outside. Past the window, there is nothing but white. Icicles hang on tree branches like diamond earrings, leaves laced in hoarfrost. Inside the kitchen, the warmth of the fire soaks into her sweater, and she risks a burn to crunch a toasty chestnut between her teeth. Curious, how this time of year is both the coldest and the coziest.
In moments like these, everything is so simple she could stay forever.
Well, almost. Kosuke half-laughs and half-startles as arms wind around her middle, followed by a nose pressing into the crook of her neck—still icy from the winter wonderland outside.
"You're so cold," she almost squeals.
"You're warm," he argues back, matter-of-fact.
He does this all the time, hugging her and holding her like it's as natural and needed as crawling into bed to sleep. Kosuke turns off the flame and takes the chestnuts off the heat. She's learned the hard way to do so before she gives in.
He only lets go of her so she can turn and hold him just the same. She can feel his heartbeat, his chest expanding with breath against her own. It makes her feel doubly alive. He is here, and he's hers.
She hates when he pulls back, even though she knows it's just to press their foreheads together, as he always does. She knows that's all he wants to do.
But she wants to tell him not to, to please don't let go, because she knows that once she looks at his face, he'll—
Disappear.
The sofa is stiff against her back. Her fingers have cramped around the scissors still in her hand, and her neck has gotten a crick from falling back. The box in her lap is wrapped in gold and topped with a giant curled red ribbon. She is satisfied.
And cold. And tempted to chuck this thing out of the window.
Kosuke stands up from the paper and the ribbons, not even bothering to tidy up, and takes a walk. She should've done that last night when she just couldn't fall asleep.
The Amida mansion is never going to feel like home. But Kosuke can't deny it's magical with all the Christmas decorations.
Just like Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, it all showed up magically in one night. Kosuke woke up one morning to the biggest Christmas tree she's ever seen nestled in the imperial staircase of the foyer. It's covered in silver and gold ornaments, crystals and orbs, bound in a shimmering ribbon and topped with a star so high in the air it looks like the roof is the sky. It's nothing compared to the outside, however. The entire mansion, every line and plane, is strung with lights. She and the kids will go outside some nights bundled like yarn just to look. It's a very pretty lie.
What Kosuke doesn't get is why. She seriously doubts Shigeo Walking-Talking-Ice-Cube Amida has any holiday spirit. One of the house staff, Miyuki (she's done her best to remember all their names, even if they keep a professional distance), catches her gaping up at the colossal tree and explains it's just to impress visitors, however slight the chance is there will be any.
Shigeo isn't even going to be in Japan, let alone the mansion, for Christmas. He's going far away for some trip or another. The best gift of all.
Kosuke tries to keep up all their holiday traditions. She puts the children's presents under the tree (they look microscopic). She roasts chestnuts for her and her siblings to snack on, and they make strings of paper snowflakes to hang up in their doorways. She hopes for a Christmas miracle and tries to make a batch of cookies. They turn out as coal even the naughtiest of kids shouldn't get in their stockings.
It grounds Kosuke in the mental tornado that the end of year will probably always cause her for the rest of her life. Sometimes, when Kosuke realizes that it was just two years ago that her mother was icing cupcakes in red and green and Marti was trying to figure out why his paper snowflakes always came out square, all she can do is distract herself by wrapping boxes.
But it's fine. She'll be fine. She tells herself that good or bad, she can face this year with her friends and family. Or did someone else tell her that first? She can't recall.
Unless this year turns out bad because her friends and family—
Chestnuts. Paper snowflakes. Presents.
The snow falls almost every day. They make snowmen families and snow angels. Kosuke almost always wrapped in thick sweaters and woolly socks, even in the kitchen, whipping up a hot stew to thaw their frozen bodies.
Yes, if she just stays distracted, this can be a very comfortable time of year after all.
She has a question, though. Why are there so many pairs at Christmas?
Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Red and green. Milk and cookies.
And have mercy, why do so many couples get engaged around Christmas? She has attended at least six engagement parties in the last three weeks. Like they timed their engagement so that the new year can be all about the new happy couple.
It is possible that Kosuke is projecting. A little.
Where is this coming from, though? She's been doing fine. Completely fine. She has her siblings, and she has Haruhi and Tamaki and Kyoya, and now her grandparents, and even the Zukas and Reiko and the twins and Ranka and all her friends in her classes.
So why is she having dreams about being wrapped in the arms of some faceless figure, and why does she feel cold when she wakes up? Why, when she sees a clothing store advertisement of a couple wrapped in one big red scarf, or leaning close under a piece of mistletoe, does she have to go talk a walk in the negative-degree weather?
It isn't Kohta, she's pretty sure. When she has the phantom sensations of a hand holding hers, or arms around her waist, Kohta's face never comes to mind—even though he is the one and only person she has experienced all of that with.
Maybe seeing mistletoe reminds her that she's never going to be kissed again.
More chestnuts. Square paper snowflakes. Forgetting whose present she'd just wrapped and tearing it open again to check.
When all of this doesn't work, she has to get creative. Or desperate. Like this day, just five days before Christmas. There are no more presents to wrap. She has eaten enough chestnuts to burst. If she cuts out another paper snowflake she is going to scream.
She passes by Hitsuji rolling himself down the hall as she goes upstairs to his and Minami's room. Inside, Minami is curled up on her bed, wrapped in a blanket and mesmerized by the flatscreen TV on the other side of the room. She says nothing as Kosuke crawls onto the bed next to her; she just scoots over.
"What'cha watching?"
"Karate Knights."
Right. Her latest obsession. Kosuke watches with her for a bit, but can't make any sense of the plot. All she can gather is that it's about a team of teenagers with super-karate-powers who battle aliens and robots.
On the walls, there are drawings of the characters—except for one. The Karate Knights are all color-coded, green, red, orange, purple, and blue. This character is pink, and punching the throat of a giant blob monster.
Oh. The character's name is 'Minami.'
Kosuke holds in her laugh. Now she sees that the green towel-cape Minami had been wearing around the mansion was that of the green Karate Knight's. Her red bicycle helmet, now with a crayon lightning bolt cut-and-pasted on the side, sits on her desk.
She will be ecstatic when she opens her bags and boxes on Christmas morning and finds all her Karate Knight action figures, blanket, sneakers...
Minami shifts on the bed to face Kosuke—alarming, since the Karate Knights are right in the middle of another epic battle. While lasers fire and aliens garble, Minami stares up at Kosuke, a serious face poking out of a sheet.
"Is it too late to ask Santa for something else for Christmas?"
Kosuke hums very thoughtfully. "I guess it depends on if we can get a letter to the North Pole fast enough."
"What if I told Santa that he could keep all the other presents he was going to get me?"
Kosuke's eyebrows go up. "You want it that bad?"
Minami nods so quickly her curls come spilling out of the blanket.
"Well, what is it?"
She points a pin-straight arm at the TV, right as the alien explodes into purple glitter. Whatever merchandise she wants, maybe it's not too late for Kosuke to get her hands on it. If it is, maybe she can be satisfied with everything else—
"I want to learn karate!"
Kosuke can't help it—she chuckles. She's heard this before. I want to learn ballet, I want to learn the piano, I want to learn gymnastics...Twenty-four hours later, and her conviction always disappears.
"Do you, now? Well, karate can't go in a gift box, so maybe Santa—Oh."
She'd been giving the TV a cursory glance, and when she looks back at Minami, there is nothing but pure, raw determination blazing in her eyes. It is unlike anything Kosuke has ever seen, never in those thousand other want-to-do's.
"Wow. You mean it."
"Can I? If I give up allll my other gifts?"
She's trembling with hope. It's like a heat coming from a fire; Kosuke can feel it. Her big-sister heart is yelling at her to say yes, make her happy! Her big-sister brain is coming up with ten thousand nightmares. Minami with broken bones, Minami wailing in agony. She imagines her sweet baby sister marching up to a plank of wood, raising her hand to chop it to pieces, but instead of a crack there's a crunch.
"Um." She swallows. Think, think, think. "IIIIIIII guess I'd just have to write to him and ask—"
"Go!" Minami pushes her with the strength of a bull. Kosuke tumbles off the bed and just barely lands on her feet. "Go, go, go!"
"Okay, alright! I'm going!"
"Write a million pleases!"
She's so urgent, Kosuke catches herself starting towards her bedroom to actually write a letter to Santa.
You might as well. Kosuke begins another hopeless walk. Santa only has five days.
Chestnuts. Paper snowflakes. Wrapping presents.
Voices buzz the air. Some laughter, mostly congratulations, a few old friends catching up. Champagne sparkles gold in flutes. Heels clack on the floor.
Snowmen. Thick sweaters. Red and green.
Two faces that haven't stopped smiling for hours. Two arms linked together, a hand resting on an arm as if to keep its owner from drifting away. Thank-you, thank-you.
Icicles. Wooly socks. Those ribbons that turn into ringlets when she drags them along the blades of scissors.
You two are going to be so happy together. You two are a beautiful couple. You two are going to have gorgeous children. You two are a match made in heaven. You two have a great life ahead. You two, you two, you two.
All these Christmas engagement parties are the same.
It's just the colors that change. Either it's red and green or silver and gold. There's always a giant tree with a giant star. Sometimes they serve eggnog in little glass teacups, and sometimes it's cider. Usually there's mistletoe in the doorways, even though no one would ever be brazen enough to actually give their partner a big, wet smooch in front of a crowd.
Man. You're being a real Scrooge right now.
Kosuke shakes her head, as if all the negativity will shake off like snowflakes. She isn't going to be sour just because someone else is happy. They do look happy, even if Kosuke still has no idea who they are. She'll give herself a pass this time, because even Kyoya, who seems to know every family tree in Japan, struggles to explain who they are.
Speaking of...She tries to look at him, but she can only ever get a sliver when someone shifts on their feet. Always with a charming smile and a steady voice. He looks good. He's in a suit, as usual. This time the pocket square in his breast pocket is red, the same as her dress. He said couples tend to match.
If alternate timelines exist, then at this "moment," there has to be another Kosuke at another party with another person. She told Shigeo to get lost and she met a nice guy and they have cozy little parties where all anyone does is wear sweaters and drink hot chocolate. Except she's lost all her money to a loan shark and she and her siblings will be out on the street before she can say Merry Christmas.
At least at these parties there are usually familiar faces. Yoshiko and Rika are here, one dressed in green and the other white, so all together they make the holiday color trio. They were talking about their favorite Christmas treats and their special Christmas-day dinners. Kosuke would like to go back to that topic.
"When I meet my man, we're not setting anything until the spring." Yoshiko twirls her champagne. "I want my engagement party to be outside, under lanterns."
Rika pouts in thought. "I don't care when it is, but I want us to have barbecue. And my wedding will have barbecue. And all our anniversaries."
"You always get like this in the winter."
"Well, soup and stew get old after a while! Kosuke, what're you and Kyoya going to have at your wedding?"
Despite her stylist commanding her to never, ever shrug her shoulders at a formal event (or may they fall off altogether!), Kosuke does. "We haven't figured that out yet. So many choices..."
Yoshiko takes her eyes off the new couple to look at her, curious. "Hey, how come you and Kyoya never had an engagement party?"
"They did, ya dummy. Remember? His big sister put it all together at school as a surprise."
"Yeah, but like...A real engagement party."
"Hey, don't be rude!"
"I didn't meant to be! I just—"
"It's okay, really." Kosuke shrugs again. "I liked Fuyumi's party. It was comfy. Not every party has to be dresses and suits, you know?"
They both nod, like that never really occurred to them. Rika declares that a casual engagement party would be perfect for barbecue. Kosuke tries to subtly reroute the conversation a few times, but their marital futures aren't getting dropped anytime soon.
Chestnuts. Woolly socks. Hot chocolate. Santa disappointing a little girl—
"Hey, I'll be right back."
"All good?"
"All good."
Kosuke weaves through the crowd as elegantly as she can, until she gets to the foyer of the ten thousandth mansion she's seen in the past few months. Finally a clutch purse wasn't an issue tonight. The house staff have been taking the coats, shawls, and purses of everyone who has come in. Kosuke asks for her purse, but turns down her shawl, hoping that the icy air will clear her head.
Almost. As goosebumps break out across her skin, and her breath puffs out in white clouds, the ground under her feet feels a little sturdier. It's just not enough.
The holiday season is going to be "Engagement Season" for the rest of her life. Along with roasting chestnuts and cutting out snowflakes, celebrating the happy unions of young couples will be her new Christmas tradition.
It's not going to be that bad. You like Kyoya. You trust Kyoya. And you have so many other people, too.
None of those people are going to brush the hair out of her eyes, though, or fall asleep with her drawn close to their hearts. None of those people are going to be the first thing she sees when she wakes up in the morning, and none of them are going to wrap their arms around her from behind and tuck their chin into the crook of her neck.
Oh, for goodness' sakes! Kosuke gives her head a good thwack. Everything you've been through, and you're going to fall to pieces because you're never going to get to be the little spoon?!
She opens her clutch to find some kind of distraction. She can browse on her phone, or read the back of her pack of breath mints.
No...She can't spend much longer out here.
Kosuke sucks in air until she thinks frost has formed on her windpipe. Then she turns around and walks back inside. She gives her clutch back to the attendee, then stops by a gold-framed mirror to check her reflection. At least her face isn't all red now...
As she does so, she sees someone behind her. A familiar face, and a perfect distraction.
"Mori! Hi!"
Mori nods to her in greeting as he gives his coat to an attendee. Gah, she always forgets how tall he is. His suit alone is probably a hundred yards of fabric just to cover his frame.
She has to ask the obvious. "Are Hani and Reiko not with you tonight?"
He shakes his head. "They're with Reiko's family."
And she forgets how deep is voice is, too. Geez! Kosuke nods, says, "Oh, I see."
Then she has no idea what to say.
It's not that she dislikes Mori, not even in the slightest. He watched Minami at the Halloween festival, he's been supportive of her since she came, he's friendly and calm...They've just never had an actual, real conversation. And to be frank, though it probably isn't fair to him, she's never considered him outside of the trio.
She braces herself for an awkward silence that never comes. Mori holds out a fold-creased napkin out to her.
"You dropped this."
"Oh, dear..." Kosuke takes it and folds it back up, but she's going to have to get her clutch back. Unless she wants to step out and stick it down in her cleavage, a trick that her stylist taught her five minutes after telling her shrugging wasn't allowed. "Thank you."
On the drive over, she'd been bored to tears, and had pulled a napkin out of her purse to write down all her questions about karate. Will they really break planks of wood in half, and is it possible to break fingers doing that? How old does a karate student have to be to actually lay hands on someone? Are karate students usually divided by age, or by rank? Because she's not about to let Minami get onto the mat with someone three times her size.
"You're interested in karate?"
His voice is as monotone as ever, yet somehow it's also incredulous. Laughable. The closest she's ever come to martial arts is swinging a walking stick at her grandfather.
"No, Minami is. She wants lessons, but..." She purses her lips and pinches a fold of the napkin.
"If she was going to break anything, it'd be something small and easy. Her teacher would tell her how to do it without hurting herself. Five-year-olds can do it."
"Really? That's good." But only one answer.
He blinks at her. Does he have to practice not to show emotion?
"You don't want her to do karate."
"No! Well—Kind of." She shrugs. Again. "I'm not that eager to get her into something that could get her hurt. And something tells me all the children her age who are doing karate at Ouran are probably skilled enough to kill."
She can't tell if he smiles or not. "Karate students aren't taught to kill."
"I know. I'm exaggerating. Hopefully. Oh, wait!" She almost thwacks her forehead again, but thinks she's going to inflict brain damage at this rate. "That's right! You're a karate master, aren't you?"
This time it's probably a smile. "I also help with the students in the Ouran elementary club."
"Wow, really? I didn't know that."
"If you have any concerns, I could help."
Nothing happens back in the ballroom, but Kosuke is suddenly aware of all the chatter. Mori has to do his rounds, too. She should let him go now so he can get to greeting and congratulating.
"That's really nice of you," she says, and she means it. Desperately so, because it's four days until Christmas now and she doesn't know what Santa is going to say to Minami. "But I should let you go."
"We can talk later, if you want."
"Yeah, that'd be great! When?"
He shrugs. Thank goodness. "Are you busy tomorrow?"
"I don't think so."
"We can meet for lunch and talk about it."
"Uh, yeah! Okay! We can text and figure it out later."
"Alright." He walks past her, taking the napkin and tucking into his pocket. "Have a good evening."
They don't talk for the rest of the night. When Kosuke returns to Rika and Yoshiko, they're still talking about their engagement parties. Which is fine.
Early the next morning, she texts Mori about lunch. They decide to meet at a cafe close to the Ouran campus. Like most cafes near colleges, it's a hotspot for students to study for their classes while they chug caffeine. Unlike most cafes near colleges, this is a Michelin-star cafe. The atmosphere may seem cozy, but the menu prices are astronomical.
In the overcast sky and drifting snow, the place is a beacon of warm yellow light. Stepping inside is like sinking into a hot bath, and Kosuke lets out a sigh that's still frigid. The cafe is busy, but probably only half as it would be during a school term. Strings of lights have been wound around the wooden columns, and red candles are flickering all around.
Mori is already seated at one of the lacquered maple tables, holding a cup of steaming green tea in one hand and waving lazily to her with the other. Once she sits across from him, Kosuke sees that there's another steaming cup on the table.
"It's hot chocolate."
"Oh, thank you!" Kosuke wraps her aching hands around in and takes a sip. It's the richest, smoothest hot chocolate she's ever had in her life. "So good!"
Kosuke has never been to a cafe where the waiter comes to take her order, but this year has been a lot of firsts for her. Once he's gone, Mori takes a long sip of green tea and says, "What do you want to know?"
"Um...Alright, first question—are the classes divided by ages?"
"Yes."
"Good. Good, good. So she's not going to be going against someone way bigger than her."
"No."
"Great! Erm—so when she does go against someone, the idea isn't to hurt each other?"
"It's not."
"Love to hear it. But just, hypothetically, if she did get hurt by someone, what would happen?"
"That student would be disciplined for excessive force."
"Makes sense! What I meant was, uh...like, in what way could she get hurt? Like how much damage can a karate chop do? Actually, what's the worst injury you've ever seen during a karate match?"
"You're making this out to be much more dangerous than it is."
Her lips purse. She squeezes her cup, never minding how scalding hot it is. "Am I?"
"Yes."
"Well...it's a sport where you attack another person. I don't see how that isn't dangerous."
"Any hobby has some dangers."
"Not every hobby."
"Does she ride a bike?"
"Yes?"
"How many times has she gotten hurt doing that?"
"Several, but only when I can't get her to put her pads and helmet on. She never learns…"
"Has she ever played a ball game? Soccer? Baseball?"
"Not unless you count what she does at recess. And getting bruises from a soccer ball is different from someone kicking you in the face."
"That's not what karate is."
"I know! I'm just saying, I'd feel better if she picked something a little—calmer. Like ballet."
"I've seen more injuries from ballerinas than karatekas."
"You're not serious."
"They sprain their ankles and pull muscles. Just their shoes can do damage."
Well, he's not wrong. The stories Okina has told her from her classes would freak Junji Ito out. Students not landing the right way, bending in the wrong direction, not breaking in their shoes…
"I'm overprotective, aren't I?"
He takes a sip of tea before answering. "It's good to be protective, but you're worrying too much."
"I've heard that before." A thought comes to her, and she tilts her head at him. "Do you have any siblings?"
"A younger brother. His name is Satoshi."
"How old is he?"
"Twenty."
"So not that much younger. Does he do karate like you?"
"Yes. And Kendo."
"Does all of your family do that?"
"Almost."
"Hm. Lucky you." She swirls her spoon in her hot chocolate. "At least you already knew everything he was getting into."
"It's not like that."
"Oh? What do you mean?"
"I wasn't just okay with him doing kendo and karate. I was happy for him."
Mori puts his teacup down onto the saucer with a quiet clack, and levels her with a serious look. She thinks.
"It's not just our job to keep our siblings safe. We're supposed to support them, too."
Kosuke thinks back to all the things she tried her hands at when she was younger—dancing, painting, the violin. She can't do any of that now; she retained nothing. But Emiko and Marti, for all the sighs they made when she gave up, always let her try something new. Hoping that one day something would stick, and make her happy. It ended up being cooking, but it could've been something as simple as birdwatching and they would have loved to see her light up.
If she had her passion for cooking when she was younger, well, they wouldn't have let her use sharp knives, probably wouldn't let her put things in the oven. But they'd still find ways to cheer her on.
"Yeah, you're right. I should let her learn what she wants herself instead of deciding it for her."
"You're a good sister."
Someone had opened the cafe door, bringing in an icy gust that goes right through her sweater and down into her bones, but Kosuke couldn't feel warmer. "Thank you, Mori."
He nods, and stands to his feet. "Excuse me for a minute."
He walks deeper into the cafe, probably to the restroom, and Kosuke sits back and looks around. This wouldn't be that bad of a study space. The smell of coffee is rich, and everyone talks in a gentle hum, like it's sacrilege to be loud in a place so calm.
A few tables over, a man and a woman, probably not much older than Kosuke, are chatting over cups of coffee. The woman laughs at something the man says. When he takes a drink, he looks at her over the rim of his cup, and his eyes are sparkling.
Kosuke had felt like she'd forgotten something, like did I unplug my hairdryer this morning or did I blow out the candle in my room? Except it's did I remember to think about my loneliness today?
Chestnuts. Paper snowflakes. Wrapping presents. Hot chocolate. Maple tables. "You're a good sister."
"Kosuke! Is that you?"
Darkness. Spoiled milk. Coal.
If only she and Mori had sat somewhere else, maybe she would have hidden. But no, they had to sit at the table directly across from the door, and Amaya couldn't not see her.
"It is!" She holds a suede glove up to her face in shock. It's as though Kosuke is a friend she hasn't seen in a million years. Scratch that, it's as though Kosuke is a friend. "What brings you out here today?"
In an ideal world, Kosuke would tell her to drop the act and get lost, but this is not an ideal world, and Kosuke has no choice but to play along if she doesn't want to cause a scene.
"Just having lunch."
"Are you? I'm surprised the best chef at Ouran even goes to restaurants! Why bother when you have everything you need in that big brain of yours?"
Kosuke puts on a sweet smile. Alright. She'll play. "Well, I could say the same about you! What brings you here?"
"Oh, I'm just going to grab a hot coffee. Not that I don't know how to brew. Quite the opposite, in fact in my freshman year of college I traveled to Colombia to witness coffee production firsthand. I learned everything from the harvesting to the percolating! I took that knowledge back with me to Italy, and when our classes were doing fundraisers for charity, I sold coffee at five euro a cup. My class raised more than all the others combined, and—"
Candy canes. Decorating the tree. A crackling fire.
Whatever Amaya is saying, "blah blah coffee I'm amazing blah blah," she stops short when she sees the empty teacup across from Kosuke, and then the coat draped over the back of the chair.
Smugness snaps to delight.
"Oh, is Kyoya with you? I haven't seen him in for-ever! Maybe I'll just wait here until he comes back so I can say hello!"
She pulls at one of the empty table chairs, but it doesn't give. She jiggles it, confused—and completely unaware that Kosuke is holding it down with her foot.
"I'm not here with Kyoya," Kosuke tells her. "Sorry!"
Amaya looks back to the coat and just stares at it, the way Sherlock Holmes would stare at a crime scene.
"Oh? Then who are you here with?"
She's smiling the worst way that Amaya Domen can: for a reason that Kosuke does not know.
Kosuke knows by looking at that smile that she shouldn't answer her, if only to protect Mori. Karate master Mori, that's how much she doesn't trust her. "A friend from school."
"Oh, come now, you've got to be more specific than that! There are thousands of students at Ouran!"
She chuckles. Kosuke chuckles. "So what're the odds you'll know who I'm talking about?"
"Oh, I like to keep track of my classmates! The best way to be an active contributor to the study body is to be as familiar with the study body as you can! Their names, their interests...Their relationships."
What are you playing at? Kosuke takes a sip of cold chocolate, just to be rude. As she does, Amaya tips her head at her, like her smile is a weight on her shoulders. "Unless your little lunch date is a secret?"
"A secret?" This time her laugh is genuine. That can't be the best she can come up with. "A secret in a public restaurant isn't a secret."
She thinks that's checkmate, but Amaya doesn't miss a beat. "You really don't want to tell me who you're with, do you?"
This time Kosuke pretends to drink a bit too fast, and coughs a little to buy herself some time. This is a tricky game to figure out. Anything she says or does, Amaya will just twist it the way she pleases, won't she?
The game is all for nothing. Just that second, Mori returns, only pausing a second to see if he's interrupting. Amaya seems surprised to see him. But not displeased.
"Takashi Morinozuka," she states, tongue dripping with trouble. "So you're Kosuke's lunch date today?"
Mori responds, cool as ever, "I'm sorry, but I don't believe we've met."
"Where are my manners? Please excuse me. I'm Amaya Domen!" She bows to him. "You're a friend of Kyoya's. He's mentioned me before, I'm sure."
You could say that. Kosuke looks at Mori, but it's for the best that he doesn't return the glance. He hums with mastered neutrality. "Ah, that's right."
"So what's got you two out here on a day like today?" Amaya asks while Mori takes his seat again. She locks her hands behind her back, pure innocence.
Mori considers his lukewarm tea and decides against it. "We're just having lunch together. That's all."
Kosuke thinks for sure that Amaya is going to persist, for whatever reason that Kosuke can't come up with. Seriously, when did she go from regarding Kosuke like a dead bug to being so invested in her social life?
However, Amaya does not reply at her. Her smile goes from flashing her pearly whites to hiding them.
Ah, okay...Amaya can't persist. She's just met Mori, who is certainly her senior. She can't claim any chitchat between friends; prying will just be seen as her being nosy. And judging by a quick glance at Kosuke, she can't ask her anything else, either—she might as well just say, "Well, if you're not going to tell me, I'll ignore you and ask her."
Not bad, Mori. Not bad at all.
"Well, I guess I'll leave you two to it!" Probably no one else would hear how forced her pep is, but Kosuke does. The next words are not so forced. "And don't worry—your secret is safe with me!"
Amaya leaves with a swish of her coat after that. She never did order a coffee.
Mori doesn't even watch her go. The server comes with their food—smoked salmon for Mori, French onion soup for Kosuke—and he waits until she has left again to ask, "What secret?"
"I have no idea. She was talking like..."
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait—
Oh, NO—
"No." Kosuke buries her face into her hands, hard enough to cave her skull in. "No, no, nooooooo...!"
"What?"
"She thinks I'm cheating on Kyoya!"
Probably any other person would frown or snake their head back or something, but Mori's face doesn't even twitch. He just picks up his knife and forks and starts cutting. "Why would she?"
"She thought I was with Kyoya, and when I told her I wasn't, she kept asking and asking who you were, and she called it a date twice, and then when she saw it was you she sounded so—satisfied...Isn't that how it sounds?"
He shrugs a shoulder. "Maybe."
Her hands drop into her laugh, and her anxious breakdown is put on pause just like someone hit the button on the remote.
"You don't sound concerned. In the slightest."
He looks up at her, still cutting. "Why should I be?"
"Well, what if she tells someone?"
"We're just eating lunch together. That's not a lot of evidence."
"Yeah, but—Mori, cut smaller bites than that. You'll choke."
He does.
"That's true, but I didn't immediately tell her who I was with because...of reasons, so what if she takes that as me trying to hide it?"
"That's still not evidence. It would do her more harm than good to tell anyone."
"How?"
"If someone told me that someone I knew was cheating on their partner because they saw them eating lunch together, I would think they were trying to start a rumor on purpose."
True. Then again, knowing Amaya…"I wouldn't put it past her to make up incriminating details."
Mori glances up at her for just a second, but it's nothing telling. "Even if I thought it was true, I would ask why she's telling me and not Kyoya."
Also true.
"Besides," Mori continues, "of all the stories to make up, that would be one of the most illogical."
At first she thinks he means that her and Kyoya are so obviously and deeply in love that no one would believe Amaya, but something tells her that's not it. What something? Don't ask her; he's still as blank as a sheet of paper.
"The other stuff I get," she says, "but what do you mean by 'illogical'?"
"Ouran students aren't perfect. They can do bad things, but not bad enough to ruin everything they have." Kosuke doesn't have to ask this time. "Cheating on your fiancée would be too stupid for any Ouran student to do."
Oh. Right.
Kosuke doesn't know if she's ever known a cheater before. Unless the owner of that ramen shop in Karuizawa counts, and she doesn't think he does. The last time she saw him was before she found out, and even so she thought the same thing as everyone else: selfish bastard, how could you do that to your wife?
But doing that as a student at Ouran? As the heiress to Amida Health and fiancée of an Ootori son? Kosuke might as well throw herself off a cliff for good measure.
So no, Amaya doesn't have any bullets in her chambers after all. And knowing she'll come to that conclusion makes the French onion soup taste all the better.
After one sip, though, she puts spoon down and asks, "Am I a worrywart?"
"It's because you care a lot."
Fair enough. Of course, Kosuke doesn't like to spiral into anxiety and panic at every possible what-if scenario. Yes, Hitsuji was going to be fine when he got lost at the Halloween festival. No, Minami is not going to get killed in eight-year-old karate. But one rainy day ruined Kosuke's life forever, so she feels a little justified.
Weighing more heavily on her mind, though, are Mori's words. Illogical. Selfish and gross and cruel. And illogical.
"So...What you said. Does that mean that's never happened before? At Ouran, or anywhere else?"
This time his look, though blank as ever, lasts a little longer. And that, too, makes her anxious. Please, please don't let him take that as interest, or disappointment.
Does Kosuke plan, let alone want, to cheat on Kyoya? Ab-so-lute-ly not. Never in a million years. That would completely ruin his life, the Ootoris' lives, the lives of all the Ootori Medical employees...She could never be so cruel to her friend.
She has to wonder, though, if there has ever been anyone else in her position—hungry, but with nothing to eat but poison.
Mori looks down at his food again. "It may have happened at some point, but it would have been handled discreetly."
"Oh. I see." She supposes even the cheated and their family would want it to be a quiet affair—no pun intended.
This time Mori doesn't even look up at her. "Why do you ask?"
Dang it, Mori. Could you be a little less perceptive? "Morbid curiosity, I guess."
He doesn't buy it, and she can tell. What she can't tell is what he's concluding instead. Just like with Amaya, her silence could say something.
So even though she hates it, Kosuke goes on, her appetite lost.
"I feel very...lucky to have Kyoya, and lucky that we are the way that we are." Mori watches her as she continues, "Even if we were 'set up' together, it doesn't feel like it. I guess I just can't help but wonder if there are some people who aren't as lucky."
"You mean people forced to marry someone they don't want to."
"I don't want to assume the worst of any of the families I've met, I just..."
He dabs the corners of his mouth with his napkin.
"Families finding spouses for their children isn't unique to us."
Right. Kosuke knows that, but she only turned twenty two months ago—it's not like her high school classmates were being rushed into marriage. But it is far from unheard of for parents to matchmake.
"It may seem different because the 'stakes' are higher, but it isn't. Where the person comes from and who they're related to matter, but families are more worried about how happy their children will be. It's their responsibility."
Most of them, maybe.
"So how often is it that someone marries someone who isn't...?"
"Wealthy?" She nods. "Not often. But not for the reasons that you think."
He finally takes a bite of food, and she feels guilty for keeping him from it. She does the same, chewing and chewing but not tasting anything—hungry for an explanation, not food.
Mori swallows, then continues, "If a very wealthy person wants to marry someone who isn't, their family might worry that they're being used."
Oh, wow. I never even considered that.
It's not exactly the same with her and Kyoya. Yes, she's marrying him for money, but she's not pretending to have feelings for him.
Well. She is, but not to him. He's doing the same thing.
They're not leading each other on, is the point. Someone could, though. And someone probably has.
"How often do you think that happens?"
He considers. "More often than someone cheating on their fiancée."
Even though she knows Mori didn't intend it, she feels rotten. She has her problems with the way things are done around her, for good reasons—but she should know just by talking to Kyoya that being wealthy doesn't mean you can never have any burdens. If she had been raised in their world, and fell for a man who hadn't, she would question his sincerity. She knows she would.
A thought pops into her head and out of her mouth before she can stop it. "Did Haruhi and Tamaki ever have to deal with accusations like that?"
"A few. Some of it was worry, some judgement. But like I said, gossip without evidence costs more than it gains. It was only in the beginning of their relationship. Now everyone knows they really love each other."
Kosuke nods and takes another bite. This certainly isn't what she thought they would be talking about, but it isn't unwelcome. She feels better knowing that there probably aren't very many people like her. And even more isolated.
The clicks of their silverware on their plates is the only sound between them for a time. Kosuke had completely forgotten about Minami and karate at some point.
"I think that if two people are meant to be together, then they'll find each other one way or another."
Kosuke stops with a bite of onion halfway to her mouth. She questions her ears, because since when is Mori so poetic, and why on earth?
Catching her look, he explains, "So I think that you and Kyoya would have come together eventually, even if you weren't where you are now."
Wait, THAT'S what he thinks this was about?!
Kosuke rewinds their conversation. Her talking about money must have been where they went from being on the same track to splitting apart. What she meant was if people him—like both of them—really have any control over their love lives and can be doomed to loneliness if their families command it. What he thought she meant was, if she had not been rich, would Kyoya have just been paired off with whoever else was available, and would he and Kosuke's only chances be that of a hidden affair?
Which is NOT what she meant in ANY capacity, but what on earth is she supposed to say now? That sounds infinitely better.
"Thanks. Thank you. That—Yes. Just what I needed to hear."
Mori's responds with satisfied silence. Maybe he wasn't as smart as she thought after all…
Though the arrow did miss the target, it does make Kosuke think. Would she have met Kyoya if all of this hadn't happened? Probably not. Or, well, there was Tamaki and Haruhi. They would have inevitably met somehow.
Take Haruhi and Tamaki out of the equation, and Shigeo, and Kosuke doubts that she and Kyoya would have ever passed each other on the street. Probably he would be engaged to another heiress, but as for her, well, she doesn't know. They just wouldn't have anything to do with each other.
That idea...does bother her.
Makes sense, she thinks right away, not even letting herself dwell on it. She dips her spoon back into her bowl. It's the same with Haruhi and Tamaki. Sad to think there's a timeline where we never met.
That said, she can't deny she's probably more...what's the word...attached to Kyoya than she is either of those two.
Attached is a strong word. Closer? Mm, maybe that's stronger.
What she means is that, pure and simple, she's spent a lot more time with Kyoya and she's told him things she hasn't told anyone else. They're close in a way that she just can't be with Haruhi and Tamaki. So it's not illogical to be grateful that they've met, even if it was under such circumstances, because he's been the one good thing to come out of all of this.
Alright, not the one good thing, there's still all her other friends, but the point still stands—
"You look angry."
Her grip on her spoon had turned her knuckles white. She always gets angry when she can't get her own thoughts straight. She should think she should have control of her own brain.
"It's—nothing. Sorry. Anyway, thanks for meeting with me today. I appreciate it."
"You're welcome."
She asks a few more follow-ups, mostly about the club itself, like when it meets and getting Minami signed up. Then that's it; not even a full hour passed, but Kosuke could've sworn a whole week went by at the table. Whatever it is that's got her brain and heart and every other organ all scrambled, the plunge back into the freezing cold distracts her from it.
"Thanks again," she chatters through her teeth while she pulls her knit cap back on. "I hope you have a good Christmas. You'll be at the party, right?"
The Hosts had a tradition to, well, host their own Christmas party the day after. Kosuke has all their gifts in a mini-mountain in her bedroom.
"I will." Of course, Mori is as bothered by the cold as an ice cube would be. He isn't even wearing gloves. "Try to relax."
"Not a bad idea," she half-heartedly chuckles as they finally turn away from one another.
There's nothing like icy wind blowing right into her eyes to make her realize how worked up she'd gotten over nothing. Amaya was never going to do anything, it was just to get under her skin.
And Amaya is totally the only thing that was troubling her. That was all.
Alright, whatever, it's all done now. Minami is going to get her karate lessons. This is probably the first time in the past year that she had a problem easily solved and she should savor it.
She thinks of how Santa would do this. Maybe she could buy a karate uniform and wrap it?
As she's pondering this, she sees a duo coming down the sidewalk, and she's wandered right into the middle. She moves to the right, and only gives them a passing glance.
Something makes her glance again. It's a couple. Young. A guy and a girl. Their arms are linked together, her knitted mitten resting in the bend of his elbow. They aren't giggling or cooing at each other, just peacefully existing side-by-side.
Sure, Kosuke could fall into a bottomless pit of I wish that were me despair, but not in public. More than that, though, the longing just doesn't feel the same this time. Not lesser or greater, just different. There's something else to see that she's just not picking up on.
The closer the couple comes to her, the more of them Kosuke can make out. To hide her staring, she pretends to just look around at everything else, a tourist observing the sights. They're young. His coat is blue. Her sweater is purple.
What else? Eh, the girl is blonde, a bit darker than Kosuke. He's wearing glasses.
They actually look like—
Nothing. They look like absolutely nothing and there is nothing to see.
At night, the cold and cozy paradox of winter is all the clearer. Outside it's blue, inside it's orange. The fire casts large, shifting shadows throughout the room. It hurts to stare, but Kosuke can't help but be mesmerized by the flames. She picks up the poker and shifts a log, burning red and black as lava, and blazing snowflakes drift up the chimney.
She's as warm as a hug—and right at that thought, arms come from behind to squeeze around her shoulders.
"Is the fire not enough?" she asks.
"No, it's not."
Maybe this time she can just refuse to look at him. She could just wake up when the sun rises, for once.
His hand comes to her cheek and gently turns her head. Of course. It never can last.
Kosuke gives up. There's no fighting it. She turns from the fire to him, and he—
He's—
Why—?
Why is he Ky—?
This time she wakes up like a movie character waking up from a nightmare: by launching upwards with a strangled cry.
Her heart is hammering, her nerves are firing off, and it takes too long to come back down to earth. She's on the sofa again. All over the floor, torn paper and pulled ribbons are scattered like war debris. There's a giant toy firetruck, a tower of puzzle boxes. Empty hot chocolate mugs and cookie crumbs litter the table.
Christmas morning. Right, Christmas morning with her siblings. That's what's going on, not…
She isn't alone. Minami is there dressed in her karate gi. Once she took the wrapping off, she couldn't get dressed fast enough. She'd gotten all her other presents, but they'd all been forgotten so she could practice her kicks and chops. Even as she stares at her suddenly-screaming sister, her hands are balled into fists.
"What's wrong," Minami asks, more weirded-out than worried.
Kosuke doesn't even want to think about what's wrong, let alone say. She stammers out, half-crazed, "Nothing, nothing! E-everything is fine. Just a bad dream! I-I-I dreamed I got coal for Christmas! Yeah. Everything is fine."
Minami is so obviously not convinced, more her priorities are in order: "Want to watch me do karate?"
"Yes. Show me what you know."
Minami returns to swinging her heels up into the air as Kosuke watches, leg bouncing. Hitsuji returns with his fireman hat, now properly ready for duty. It's Christmas and everything is fine.
Yep. Yep, yep, yep. Everything is fine and she's not having really weird, wildly inappropriate thoughts about—Yeah. Everything's fine. Fine, fine, fine. Merry Christmas.
School's started back up for me, and let me tell you, this is going to take some getting used to! UO_O Hopefully I can get in an hour or so worth of writing time every day. Ideally I could get a new chapter out every week or week-and-a half, but I guess we'll see.
Thank you all for the reviews! It really makes my day every time I read one. Also hope you guys don't mind a Christmas chapter on January 30. We're getting a liiiiittle bit closer to the prime of every slow burn fic: the "oh" moment. But not just yet. Let me know what you guys think! This chapter was tricky to figure out.
Chapter tl;dr:
Kosuke is battling with the fact that she's never going to be in a relationship again now that she's engaged to Kyoya - and the Christmas season is only making her loneliness worse. Minami begs for karate lessons for Christmas, but Kosuke worries for her safety. Mori offers his help, and the two meet at a cafe for lunch to talk about Minami joining the karate club. While they're there, Amaya comes and taunts Kosuke about "cheating" on Kyoya with Mori. This leads to Kosuke and Mori talking about what it's like to be in an arranged marriage, and Kosuke realizes that, even in their situation, she'd be sad if she never got to meet Kyoya. At the end of the chapter Kosuke has a dream in which she and Kyoya almost kiss, which very much freaks her out.