I wish you were like me a man forbid,
Banned, outcast, nice society well rid
Of the pair of us - then who would interfere
With us? - my darling, you would now be here!
But no! we must fight on, win through, succeed,
Earn the grudged praise that never comes to meed,
Lash dogs to kennel, trample snakes, put bit
In the mule-mouths that have such need of it,
Until the world there's so much to forgive in
Becomes a little possible to live in.
Aleister Crowley, "A Birthday; Aug. 10, 1911"
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Remus Lupin hated the smell of hospitals. He usually tried to avoid them at all costs. The claustrophobia of just being here had already begun to set in.
He had a job to do.
The elevator dinged when he reached the fourth floor of St. Mungo's hospital, the Janus Thickey Ward. Aurors were given their own hall on this floor, with their own beds just a few doors away from the Permanent Residents Hall. For a second, he thought of Alice and Frank Longbottom. Their beds had essentially just been rolled around the corner and a few feet down one day. I should stop by and see them before I leave, he thought.
"Pardon me, are you lost?" A wizard in green robes with a clipboard appeared out of nowhere, stopping him from entering the Auror's Ward.
Each bed had a placard with a name written on it above the headboard. Most of them were empty. The antiseptic smell was worse than ever, almost enough to make Remus gag. His mind had wandered off in the elevator, still reeling from the embarrassment of having had his bag searched, and the man putting him on the spot yanked him away from his thoughts.
"No, sorry," He replied. The inspection wouldn't have been so bad had his bag not contained all of his worldly possessions for the time being. The healers did not appreciate his use of an Undetectable Extension charm, but he wasn't carrying much more than clothes so it wasn't likely that he'd be getting a letter in the post from the Ministry. "I'm… here to see someone."
The man in green smiled patiently. "You might be mistaken. This is the Auror's Ward, the Permanent Residents are–"
"I'm looking for an auror, actually."
"A particular one, I presume?"
The loud clanging of something metal being dropped behind him made him jump. Remus was starting to feel guilty, like he had done something wrong. "A friend of mine."
"Well, I'm afraid I cannot let you enter without verifying who you're here to see." The healer shrugged nonchalantly. "Protocol, unfortunately."
"Nymphadora, but she doesn't go by that." His fingers were closing tighter around the strap of his bag.
The healer seemed to notice. "Right, well. I will need to check Ms. Tonks' file and see if you're listed as an emergency contact, and if not, I can have her verify that she knows you when she wakes up." The healer's eyes darted towards his bag. "And I will need to check that again, if you don't mind." This man was certainly not going to let his little charm slide.
A body was laying in a bed, far back towards the wall. The curtain was halfway pulled to obscure the patient's face, but Remus could see a red set of auror's robes draped over the end of it and an arm, pale, with a collection of bracelets around the wrist.
"I'm not sure I'll be listed as an emergency contact, but–"
The healer cut him off. "Then I'm afraid you might not have a good chance in getting to visit Ms. Tonks today."
"Can you at least tell me if she is doing poorly?" Remus asked. How long had he been on his feet now? He had tried to skip the scene after the other aurors showed up at the Department of Mysteries, only to be promptly told upon landing back at Grimmauld that the house would no longer be safe after Sirius's death, that he needed to pack up his belongings and leave as quickly as he could. His whole body was beginning to ache; his feet, back, and a new persisting tear in his shoulder were all screaming for his attention.
Sirius's death.
He had had neither time to sit down nor process what had happened. If he had blinked a second later, he would have missed it.
It wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault.
She had been duelling Bellatrix just moments before when Remus saw her body get thrown down the stone steps. He thought she must've been dead based on the way she was flung.
I should have gone to her.
Harry was nearly about to throw himself through the veil when Remus grabbed him. He thought it was too late for Tonks. After Harry broke free, bolting after Bellatrix, he ran over to where she was. Unconscious, bleeding from her nose and head. She had a seizure seconds later. Everything happened in a whirlwind of commotion; he wasn't even sure he remembered how long it was before he got to her. Counter-jinxes were not his specialty. It felt like an endless number of minutes before help got there. He held her hand throughout it. He wasn't sure if she was even aware he was there, but he had talked to her through it, trying to keep her from swallowing her tongue or hitting her head further on the rock.
"I'm afraid I cannot give you any information on her case unless she has you listed." The healer stated.
Remus tried to contain his frustration. "I mean, is she going to wake up? She's going to wake up? She was cursed, she has a-a head injury, can you tell me what her chances are of not recovering?"
"I'm afraid–"
Two figures exited the lift and came storming in their direction: a short, somewhat fat man with a receding hairline led by a taller, spindlier woman with dark freckles and dark, curly hair pulled back in a ponytail. The man was dressed simply in jeans, dirty as if he had just finished tending to the garden, and a short-sleeve collared shirt, the woman in dress slacks and a blouse, paired with an orange plaid coat and quite the expensive purse on her arm. It felt too hot to imagine wearing a coat.
The woman's lips were pursed into a frown, the harsh lines around her lips visible. She looked uncannily like Bellatrix Lestrange. Tonks had mentioned her aunts before, Lestrange and Malfoy. Despite never meeting them, she had spoken less than kindly of both of them on several occasions. "Nymphadora Tonks, bed twelve." She hurriedly tapped her finger on the healer's clipboard before attempting to push past both him and Remus.
"Excuse me, Ma'am, I can't just let you–"
"You're excused, and I'm here to see my daughter." The woman broke through that time, making her way straight for the bed that Remus was eyeing.
The healer didn't chase after her, but he sighed and turned to look at her. "I'll need to check your purse, Ma'am!"
"Like hell you will!" She shouted back, yanking the curtain closed to hide Tonks' body from view of the hall.
"We're Dor's emergency contacts, we've been here before." The man waved his hand at the healer. "Ted and Andromeda. Tonks. Obviously."
The healer looked to Remus, then to Ted with exasperation. "I don't suppose you know this man? He claims to be a friend of Ms. Tonks' and I can't let him in without clearance that he is someone she would allow in."
The man, Ted, quickly glanced at Remus, adjusting his glasses. "What's your name again, son? You look familiar but I can't quite place you."
"Remus. Remus Lupin. I'm the one who sent for help when she…." The words got caught in his throat. Her eyes had flickered open for a brief moment during her seizure. Did she know that he was there? In that second, had she seen him in the corner of her eye? Was she aware of anything? Was she afraid? Oh Merlin, what if she's trapped inside her own head?
"Remus! Yes, I remember now. Yes, yes, great friend of Dora's. Dromeda and I have had him over for dinner sometimes. Great man, he's not here to cause trouble." The lie slipped out of Ted's mouth effortlessly. The healer didn't look pleased, scrambling to write down something on his clipboard before walking away. He muttered something before walking back out. Ted's hand touched the back of Remus' shoulder as they walked towards Tonks' bed. "Don't screw this up after I vouched for you, alright?" His voice was polite, but still stern.
"Yes… sir." The man patted him on the back a bit too harshly for Remus' liking, given how jumpy he still was after the fight.
"So tell me, is she a, er… coworker, of sorts then?" Ted asked.
Remus surveyed the names above the empty beds. Kingsley Shacklebolt in a neat, handwritten lettering. John Dawlish, he recognized, in the standard typeface of many of the other beds. Several names of aurors he did not know were displayed: Hal Weaver, Nida Essert, and Damon Penn, the former two taking it upon themselves to elaborately decorate their signs, the later opting for an overly flourished cursive.
Behind the curtain, Tonks appeared to be sleeping peacefully, her only movements being her chest slowly rising and falling and the twitching of her eyelids. She was extremely pale with black smears of makeup on and around her eyes, and what appeared to be the remnants of a dark purple lipstick that no one bothered to remove. Her shoulder length hair was a mousy brown colour, and Remus could almost see a couple of grey hairs coming in at the front.
There was a chair, a table, and the bag of clothes Tonks was wearing when she arrived. Just above her head, on the board that marked her bed: Nymphadora Tonks, made up of purple, glittery foam letters that were stuck to it. The cramped spacing of the letters made him think she initially tried to just put "Tonks" before they told her she had to put her first name like the others. This must not have been her first intense stay here. Her mother was taking off her coat, confused to see Remus step around the corner. She blinked. "And who exactly are you?"
"Remus, he's Dor's friend from work." Ted spoke before Remus could answer.
"You're an auror and they didn't give you clearance?" Andromeda asked bluntly. Remus couldn't quite pin down what her perfume was, but it was flowery, strong, and seemingly equally expensive as her purse and her jewellery that was now visible.
"Other work, darling." His voice dropped. "The one with Dumbledore?"
"Right, yes. Hmm. You don't look like an auror. I suppose they sent you to check on her then?" She continued, neatly folding her coat before draping it over the side of the chair. After that, she moved to re-folding Tonks' auror robes.
"I, um, no, I came here to see her of my own volition." Remus cleared his throat. "She's a… dear friend of mine."
"He's the one that called for help."
"Oh, right, and surely the two of you aren't…?" She glanced at her daughter, now moving on to going through the belongings Tonks had brought with her: her wand, pants, shirt, and boots. She looked particularly interested in Tonks' pants, where they were ripped in several places throughout the leg, as if she was considering repairing them with magic as she sat down. "I mean no offence, just it seems like everytime she gets around to speaking to me, she has a new boy she has her eyes on."
"Um, no. Ma'am." Ted chuckled at Remus calling his wife "ma'am." "I… went to her just after she was jinxed and she fell back down the steps. I stayed until the healers told me to leave her, so that she could be brought here."
"You saw who jinxed her then, didn't you?" Ted asked curiously, picking a chair from a few beds down to bring over to sit in. Remus was left awkwardly standing.
"Please, he didn't need to. You can't feel it?" Andromeda said, running her hand across her daughter's arm. "Something nasty hit her. It was Bella, I know it. It left its… residue on her." She shook her head. "I might be able to take a look at it, as soon as her healer clears her for it."
There was a pit in Remus' stomach. Andromeda likely had such specific experience with such jinxes. Her posture was impeccable. Every inch of her looked so well put together compared to her daughter and her chipped nail polish, her husband smelling like garden soil and freshly cut grass.
He didn't want to ask about her sister, but he was nonetheless curious. Apparently he didn't need to, Andromeda turned to him to speak. "I'm a curse-breaker." Her lips were still tightly pressed together as she stroked Tonks' hand in a loving, but hesitant manner. "Did she tell you? Pff. Nevermind it. Typically I work on things, not people. Wouldn't be the first time I've had to work on them though, but usually the people whose curses I have to break are already corpses."
"You must work for the bank then?" Remus wasn't sure she was interested in small talk, and he couldn't tell whether it would be more polite to ask about her or to shut up.
"I used to work for the Ministry. Well, I used to work for Gringotts, but the bank only wants to break curses on things that will bring them money, and unfortunately some of the nastiest curses linger on the junk that's only worth a few knuts. Hated it there. Got pregnant, got a new job. Started cleaning up the messes the bank's cure-breakers inevitably left behind in their wake when they went pillaging places they really ought not be in."
He was nodding along, unsure of what he was supposed to be doing with his hands. He tried to fold them politely across his chest. Ted seemed equally unable to sit still, his leg already bouncing nervously as he watched his daughter's steady breathing.
"Now I work for a private curator. Quiet work, nevertheless dangerous." Her eyes dragged away from Remus to a figure behind him.
A woman in lime green robes with a handful of papers like the other healer approached. She looked a little frazzled, nervous seeing Andromeda sitting there. She quickly smiled at Remus. "Hello! My name is Healer Blevins, head of the Auror Ward." She talked quickly and had a heavy southern welsh accent, reeking of whatever it was that the healers used to clean the place. It took everything in him to not instinctively cover his nose. "Andromeda, Ted, how are we doing this afternoon?" She skirted around Remus to examine Tonks, wiping her hands off on the front of her robes. Placing one hand against her neck like she was examining for a pulse, the other flat on her forehead, she began her assessment.
"As good as we can, Sian." Ted tried to laugh. "As good as we can with a daughter like this one, you know?"
The healer forced a laugh, otherwise focused on her patient. "Hectic day, isn't it? Well, I'm thankful I only have a couple patients today. Could've been many more had they not caught Sirius Black this morning. Hmm." Andromeda had scooted to the edge of her seat. She looked immensely uncomfortable at the mention of her cousin, but she was still fighting to keep her composure. After a long pause, Blevins began to talk. "Well, she's not in the worst shape she could've been in. She got here quickly, which may have been her only saving grace. Good news is, she's still stable and she's going to wake up soon. She'll likely have little trouble rehabilitating to the way she was before, but I can't say for certain what her recovery is going to look like."
Ted sighed, and upon seeing that his wife was still clearly holding her breath. "See, Dromeda, she'll be fine." Andromeda shook her head.
"There was a lot of cleaning up, though. On the inside, you know." Blevins poked her in the neck and throat. "Chipped teeth, the seizure alone made its own little mess. But we were mostly concerned about the concussion. Swelling, broken bones, and all that is back to what it should be. I can't say she's definitively in the clear yet, but I can say she's probably not going to have any major life-threatening complications."
"But?" Andromeda asked. Her husband reached over to take her hand. "What do you know for sure? What should we prepare ourselves for?"
"It's hard to say what she'll be thinking or feeling when she wakes up. Can't say this will or won't be her last stay in this bed, depending on her psychological assessment. She has a history of depression, doesn't she?" The healer's fingers mashed into her stomach.
Remus almost didn't catch Andromeda rolling her eyes and tried hard to look away. "Yes, but it's been nothing serious. Just teenage girl things that bothered her. I haven't heard her complain in years about anything like that."
The healer was sceptical and for a second, it looked like she might've found something concerning, but she shook it off. Andromeda was alerted by this. Blevins shook her head. "The impact point for the curse. Well, we can't say for sure what she'll be like when she wakes, but she should wake up for dinner, I think. We'll have her assessed tonight if she's competent, then again in the morning. All depending on how she feels, we can get her some potions for the pain and send her home."
"How long would she need to stay?"
Andromeda's questioning became a blur in the background of Remus' mind. He stared at Tonks' still, pallid face. She didn't know about Sirius yet.
It wasn't your fault.
It wasn't her fault.
She shouldn't have been in that duel by herself. Sirius must have been trying to get to her to help her. The fighting didn't seem to have exhausted her, but something was wrong, like she turned her head away for a second. Maybe she lost her footing on the steps and she was afraid she was going to fall. Why was she even taking her eyes off Bellatrix? Didn't she know better? Maybe if Sirius hadn't run over to help her, or maybe if he had gotten there faster… maybe he was why she looked away. Or maybe she was having a bad evening and she was already distracted. Or worse, what if it was something else preoccupying her mind? On more than one occasion he had bumped into her as she was just coming back inside, trying to remove the strong smell of smoke and powdered asphodel root, best known for its calming, sedative-like effects, from her hair and clothes before Molly Weasley scolded her.
Andromeda asked a question about her daughter's metamorphing abilities, Healer Blevins gave her a long, convoluted answer that boiled down to "we won't know until she wakes up." She had to give this answer a few times, when the woman asked about the curse and about all of the possible side effects she was worried about occuring, like speech and being able to walk. Ted was quiet. Anxious still, his leg had not stopped moving. The healer couldn't, or wouldn't, disclose more personal details that Andromeda pried for as she began trying to wipe the makeup off of Tonks' eyelids. She had another half a dozen seemingly asinine questions that the healer tried to patiently answer with what little she could, but the healer kept glancing sideways at Remus.
It wasn't your fault.
He wanted her to wake up so that he could tell her that she would be okay. He hoped she would never wake up so that he would never have to tell her what happened to Sirius. He couldn't live without both of them. He had spent too long alone to not have her around. He couldn't stand to look at her as she would inevitably piece together that she was the last person to duel Bellatrix before her cousin's death. He wanted her here. He wanted her to rest.
He wanted to be thankful that they were both alive.
He wished it had been him and not Sirius.