Entry Five:

January 05, 2001

Blaise Zabini showed up at six o'clock in the damn morning. Knocking on the bedroom door, until my husband opens the door for him. I was rolling around in bed, kicked off the covers, and jumped up. Theo got my robe and help me into it and I went to the washroom, washed my face and brushed my teeth, but my hair in a bun and stopped back into the room. I threw a fit and Blaise excused himself and said he was going to wait downstairs. I broke several vases, but they are all charmed to go back to its original state. I cried and screamed at the top of my lungs, telling my husband I did not want to go to Italy, I wanted to stay right here, and wait for him. He held me and told me he did not want to worry while he was away, and he did not know when he was going to be back, and to keep his mind at peace, he preferred for me to stay with Blaise and Pansy, until he returned. With my unruly behavior, I bit my husband on the shoulder, he literally pulled my head away from his shoulder, cupped my face and looked into my eyes and told me softly, "Love, your safety is my priority, it will help me finish this mission as quick as possible without any mistakes, so I can come back to you. Knowing you are in a safe place and with people I trust will ease my mind and heart. So please be good and go with Blaise." I had tears streaming down my face, hiccupping, and asked him, "What if something happens, what if you get hurt, what if you do not come back to me? How will I know when I am away, how will I know you are alive and well? I have to be here, I have to wait for you here at home. I just cannot, I can't, I can't lose you Theodore. Do you hear me, I cannot lose you!"

Anxiety had creeped its way in, the tingling feeling from the top of my head, spreading like wildfire down to my face, rapid breathing, then shortness of breath, the disgusting feeling of being lethargic, and the nauseous feeling at the pit of my stomach. All I could hear was Theo calling my name from a distant, I was in a thick fog, I could not see anything around me, the feeling of loneliness and uneasiness slowly taking over. I had an anxiety attack; I could faintly hear Theo calling my name and then I heard him call for Suki. I felt a burning sensation in my mouth and a soothing feeling spread throughout my body. I was given calming draught. I came back to my senses, and I was sitting on my husband's lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered to him, to promise he will get me when he is done. He said if I make that promise to you, well you promise to be good, eat, and sleep well. I nodded my head and said I promised.

We walked downstairs to the front room where the fireplace is and met Blaise there. Theo told Blaise he was going to cut off the floo between our houses, until he returns. Blaise held my hand as we stepped into the fireplace, and I mouthed I love you to my husband as he watched us leave. We stepped out of Blaise's fireplace in the Italian Alps, he had a mountain home near Bardonecchia, Italy. Blaise showed me to my room. It was a spacious corner room, with a king size bed, a vanity, side tables, the two walls that met at the corner were ceiling to the floor windows, it's a panoramic view of the snowy mountains, it's a breathtaking view, the king size bed sat facing the corner, so when I would wake up, the first think I would see was the mountains. There was a big comfortable sofa with a fluffy throw draped on the arm and sofa pillows. Blaise told me Theo said my favorite place to go was to the mountains and how much I enjoy the cold and snow. Theo also instructed him to make sure there was a sofa by the window so I could perch. Blaise had a throaty chuckle, and said, "Theodore is a worry wart, and instructed me of all your favorite things to eat, books to read and obviously a comfortable space." I thanked him and told him I promised I would be good and try to be involved. Blaise just told me to make myself comfortable and to come down for brunch when I am settled.

It has been an emotional day and night, I had my meals with Blaise and his wife Pansy. They are the same as they were back in Hogwarts, Pansy still had the short bob haircut, dressed in her dressy outfits and jewelry, and talkative as ever. I was overwhelmed with all the small talk, that I became awkward trying to make conversations. After dinner was over, Pansy wanted to have tea, so I had tea with her, she told me all about her days here in Italy and not once did she question me about myself or why I was suddenly there with them. I felt relieved, but for the most part, I know at some point she will integrate me once we are comfortable with one another again.

I feel like I've been isolating myself and being sheltered to much by my husband. I realize I don't even know how to act properly in front of people. I am rude, by interrupting conversations, not even being considerate of anyone. Yuck, I sound like a spoiled brat. Throwing temper tantrums, like a complete nut case. For those very reasons I hardly attended dinners or accepted invitations to parties. I self-isolate by staying in my bedroom, doing things alone, and I have become comfortable with silences and quiet activities like reading or painting.

My husband is the only person I ever interact with now, and I really miss him. I miss his scent, his warmth, and his deep voice. I hope wherever he is, he is safe and out of harms way. I know firsthand how those missions can play out. Sitting in my safe bubble, my husband is out there putting himself in dangerous situations. I just remember, he charmed our wedding rings, I kiss the diamond encrusted ring, and he will feel the warmth on his ring finger. So cheesy, but at this moment, it's all I have. Husband, wherever you are, I hope you felt the warmth and know I am thinking of you. I promised I would sleep, I will stick to those promises I made to my husband while I am here. I think I did good. So I'll end with that note.

XO,

Mrs. Nott