DISCLAIMER: Obviously I don't own any of the characters in Harry Potter or anything belonging to Harry Potter World, it belongs to the only and only creator J.K. Rowling.

~~AM~~

Entry Seven

January 07, 2001

I did not sleep until I seen the first light of day. Blaise sat next to me on the bed. I could hear him call my name and I sat up. He told me Pansy had cried the whole evening because she didn't know about the scars on my back and Blaise told her small snips of how I got those scars. I just told him, tell her not to have pity on me or look at me with those eyes. You know, those eyes, the sad pitiful eyes. I told him, I'm over it and I don't need someone looking at me like that. I had enough of that, first it was Draco, then Fenrir, then Narcissa. The only person who didn't look at me with those eyes was Theo. Even when he saw the scars for the first time. He just kissed my back and told me, it doesn't diminish my beauty. I remember laughing at him for being so cheese. Even though I laughed about it then, I was afraid he was going to look at me with those pitiful eyes and not want someone so damage. I told him, I'm damage goods Theo, are you sure you want me. I held my breath waiting for his answer. He told me, he wanted me from the first time he laid eyes on me in Draco's study.

Majority of the day I sat on the sofa in my room, I barely ate anything when I was brought meals. Blaise pleaded with me to eat more during lunch, I ate half a sandwich. Each bite I took, I felt nauseous and swallowing it down with water. I couldn't eat any more and sat on the floor leaning against the window. Blaise had covered me with the throw and left the room. I finally got up off the floor when the sun went down and started to get ready. I know I can't be a burden here, I can't make Blaise and Pansy worry about me and put them through unnecessary distress because they don't know how to deal with me. I wonder how I did it when I was at home by myself. Like a zombie waiting around for my husband to return. How did I crawl out of my ruts, how did I manage to keep going after being stuck in so much darkness alone.

After wallowing for a long while, I wore the dress Pansy lent me, I pair it with black heels. Pansy came and did my make up, I told her I wanted a more natural look, which she did, fix my hair, I told her I wanted to wear it down, being self-conscious about my scars and painted my fingernails red. I didn't want to wear any jewelry, just my wedding rings. After she was done, she gave me a tight hug, and I hugged her back. I told Pansy I'm okay and it happen years ago, it's just ugly scars from a curse whip. These are moments I hate, the moments when someone feels sorry for you and your circumstances, like I am some poor soul. This part of my history is a small portion for what I am now, insignificant, yet overwhelming.

I never felt so awkward, the dinner party went as smooth as it should, I guess. I've never hosted a dinner party. It was nice, the decoration was nice, it was outside under stary lighting and floating candles, it gave off a glowing warm atmosphere. There was a long dinner table, with flower center pieces and well-placed cutlery, plates and saucers. I got to the back door of the patio and stood at the door contemplating to go and not, and my indecisiveness attracted Blaise and everyone's attention. Blaise had taken me to the dinner table, I was terrified. I've only been around people I know, and I am close to. It's like standing naked in front of everyone. I was introduced to I guess Blaise's associates and partners from his muggle job. I sat next to Blaise, and they were serving some kind of pasta dish and other things, that did not look familiar to me. As I watched everyone's food appear before them, I waited for mine, after several more minutes, a plate of rib eye stake appeared, along with an assortment of veggies and bake potato. Everyone had a glass of wine with their pasta meal, I drank only water. A young man sitting next to me told me pairing malbec with ribeye brings out the flavor more. I just said oh and continue eating my food. I was physically there, but mentally checked out. I heard only the mummering of people's conversations as I sat there. I felt a warmth on my left hand and came back to reality. Blaise squeezed my hand and said I was tapping my fingers a little too hard. I either tap my fingers or shake my leg, I excused myself and walked to the railing at the end of the patio and scanned the complete darkness.

I never really had the chance in my life to flirt or even think about wanting to be with someone. Even with Theo, it just happens naturally. One day we were studying and decided to take a break, took a walk down to the quidditch field since we had been sitting all day. He stopped me and pulled me toward him, cupped my face and kissed me. At first, I was surprised, since I've never kissed anyone before, once I got over the shock of feeling his lips on mine, I kissed him back. We walked hand and hand back to the castle, from then on, we were each other's and it's always been that way. So, when a tall man spoke up next to me, I was startled, and he apologized. He said his name is Walter or something, is partner in the firm with Blaise, he's tall and blonde. Even if I were eligible, I can't do blondes any kind of blonde, Draco ruined that for me. I tend to ignore blonde people, its subconscious. Walter yapped away, while I stared into the unknown, until I felt a hand on top of my left hand, I yanked my hand out from under his hand and looked at him. I don't know what this man was thinking to touch my hand, I held my left hand up to his face and asked him do you see the wedding rings. He looked at them and scuffed, and I slapped him in the face. It was a loud slap because everyone looked toward where we were standing, and Blaise jumped up and ran over before things got out hand. That's where I learned my Theo was co-owner of the firm with Blaise. The guy was told I am Mrs. Nott and his reaction was funny. I laughed at his reaction and told him with a straight face, wait until my husband hears about this. His eyes about popped out along with Blaise.

I left the dinner and went straight back to my room, I took a shower and scrubbed myself, almost raw. Why do I feel disgusting to the point I feel nauseous. It's been several hours, I've been sitting here looking out the window. This sad and lonely feeling is suffocating, squeezing the life and light out of me. Why am I always crying where did all my strength go, where did all my confidence go, when did I become so weak and dependent. There was a time when I would have unwanted advances, unwanted touches, tainting me physically and mentally. I should of broke his neck. The best thing about today was my ring finger warmed several times in a row. I miss my husband so much. It feels like eternity that I have not seen him or felt him or smelled him. I need him.

Mrs. Nott

Author's Note:

She is so tragic.