AUTHORS NOTE: PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE READING THE CHAPTER!

This is a warning that this chapter contains sexual violence, physical, and mental abuse. This story is rated M for many reasons and this is one of the main reasons. It can be triggering for some and if you cannot handle this stuff, you can just skip this chapter if neeeded.

It pained me to write this chapter. I teared up multiple times writing this out. It was draining and I nearly gave up on the story countless times as I've wrote and rewrote this chapter alone. I've had this chapter planned since this story began. Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me throughout this writing journey.

Chapter 19

The next week was one of pure bliss for Sakura. Her and Kakashi went hiking every other day and she opened up and told him more about her childhood and her parents. He was curious about her past and asked all sorts of questions which she answered every single one.

She had never felt so comfortable around someone before and she felt her bond with Kakashi deepen as she opened more and more of herself up to him.

Christmas had went by without a hitch and she loved spending the day with him lazing around the cabin watching Christmas movies and ending the night with a nice dinner they made together. They had exchanged simple gifts too. She got him a collectors edition of his favorite book and he had gotten her a beautiful leather bound notebook.

It was now New Year's Eve and Sakura was busy in the kitchen making a dip for them to enjoy later that night. She had woken up about an hour ago and left her room to immediately to start it before she changed and showered for the day and before Kakashi got up for the day himself.

"Good morning, sunshine." she heard him mumble as he walked into the kitchen from upstairs.

"I see you decided to finally roll out of bed." she teased as she put the bowl of fresh dip into the fridge and walked over to the sink to begin washing her hands.

She felt Kakashi step up behind her and circle his arms around her waist and pull her back against him slightly. An unpleasant shiver ran up her spine at that motion.

"Kakashi, stop…" she muttered quietly as she tried to keep her nerves under control.

He either ignored her or didn't hear her as he tightened his hold around her and leaned down and started placing lazy kisses across her bare shoulder. She regretted wearing a tank top suddenly.

"Please, stop…" she repeated again, but louder as she turned off the water and tried to wiggle out of his hold to no avail.

"What? I can't love on you?" he murmured as his kisses made their way up her neck to the back of her ear.

Sakura felt herself begin to panic as horrible and terrifying memories began to flood her mind. The heat of his breath causing her emotions to flare up even more.

"No… It's not that… It's just-" she tried to say, but couldn't finish when a gasp left her when Kakashi lightly bit down on her neck.

"Then what?" he questioned in a deep voice.

"I said stop!" she suddenly shouted, "You're doing exactly what he did!"

The next thing she knew her body went into autopilot as she lifted and stomped her right foot down onto Kakashi's foot and rammed her right elbow into his ribs. The sudden pain she inflicted caused him to gasp and groan as he quickly let go of her. She used her back and body weight to push him further away as she herself took a handful of steps away from him.

Kakashi immediately put his hands over his ribs were Sakura struck him, the stinging pain run up his side. He opened his eyes up and he gave her a dazed and shocked look and found a look of pure terror on her face.

"What the hell?" was all he said.

Sakura clamped her hands over her mouth to stifle the sob that escaped her as he watched tears began streaming down her. He went on high alert then. He had never seen Sakura cry before. He had seen her tear up, but never cry, especially as hard as she was crying now.

"I'm so sorry, Kakashi!" she cried out from behind her hands, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I said stop… I-I tried warning you…"

Kakashi just stood frozen in place as she began to tremble in front of him as more sobs tore through her body.

'What the hell is going on?!'

His mind flew back to the last thing she said before she jammed her elbow into him.

"You're doing exactly what he did!"

Who was this man that triggered such a violent response from Sakura?

Kakashi took a couple tentative steps towards her with his hands raised partially to show he meant no harm.

"Sakura… what's going on? Please tell me what I did wrong." he pleaded softly with her as he continued to slowly approach her.

Sakura just continued to stand there trembling and trying to stop her loud crying. When he finally approached her, he placed a single hand on her shoulder and she immediately slammed herself against his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and let her silently sob into his chest for a while.

He did not expect for his day to start how like this at all. He felt awful that he caused her to react the way she did. He had been so respectful towards her and always stopped when she asked him to, so why did he not listen today? Why did he try to argue the point? He wouldn't begin to forgive himself for a while because of this. If ever.

'What the fuck is wrong with me… I can't do this to her. I can't hurt her anymore. Oh god, please let me fix this…'

"I'm so sorry. I tried so hard to forget. To leave it behind me. I thought that it would be different now, but it just won't go away it seems." she spoke in between her ragged breaths and sobs.

Kakashi only hugged her tighter as he used a hand to rub soothing circles into her shoulders.

"Sakura, please tell me what's going on." he pleaded again, "What did he do?"

He felt Sakura flinch in his hold at his last question. Her trembling suddenly stopped and he even felt her suck in a deep breath. He forced himself to pull away from her and used his hand to tilt her chin up so he could get a better look at her.

Kakashi couldn't help but feel the urge to cry himself as he felt his heart shatter from the sight of the state she was in. She looked absolutely terrified. Her eyes held no light and were bloodshot from her tears. Her face was twisted up like she was experiencing great pain.

"Sakura…"

"I tried so hard…" she whispered as she looked away and tried to rub away the remaining tears with the back of her hand, "I tried so hard to not let it affect me, but I guess it still does."

Kakashi didn't really know what to do at this point. He knew Sakura was in great emotional distress, but he couldn't get her to talk. So he knew he needed to be there for her right now.

"Let's go sit down, okay?" he spoke softly as he guided her out of the kitchen and down the hall to the living room.

Sitting her down on the couch, he took a seat right next to her and grabbed both of her small hands and held them tenderly.

"Please tell me what I did wrong, Sakura." he asked yet again.

"You did nothing wrong!" she quickly replied as she stared wide eyed at him.

Kakashi just frowned slightly at her. He knew he had indeed done something wrong to cause her to lash out like that.

"Then can you tell me what happened? Who was this man? Did he hurt you?"

Sakura jerked her hands away from his hold then and began fidgeting with them in her lap as she looked away from him and at the fire that was roaring in the fireplace a few feet away.

He was baffled to see this side of her. Sakura had always been blunt and forward, never reserved and afraid. She had never shown any signs of ever being weak, only strong, so this saddened yet intrigued him.

"I've never told anyone the whole truth before…" she whispered quietly as she trailed off into thought. Suddenly she looked back to him and he was surprised to see the look of determination in her eyes, "But if we're as serious as I hope we're are, I guess I should tell you now rather than later. It will probably clear up some questions you have as to why I've asked you to be patient with me. It'll probably help me with moving forward… I thought that I had already, but it seems…"

Kakashi was suddenly speechless at her sudden switch in demeanor. He just nodded at her to encourage her to continue speaking.

Sakura understood the cue to continue and she took a deep breath as he watched her work through a thousand emotions at once as she struggled to say what she wanted to say. She suddenly looked back down to her hands and let out a shaky breath.

"I was raped when I was twenty two by my boss from when I was a doctor."

Kakashi felt the world get ripped out from underneath him as he registered her words.

'Rape!? She was raped!? By her boss no less! Oh god, this explains everything…'

His mind flickered back to countless conversations they had over the last few months. Everything she explained to him about wanting to go slow made sense. Her wanting to be in control made sense. She was attempting to prevent any possible chances of her getting taken advantage of again. It explained why she hadn't dated in the last four years.

It all clicked together in the most heartbreaking way. It was all trauma. Horrible trauma that she had kept locked away for years.

'Oh god, that's why she quit her old job… She worked at Konoha Sacred Heart… I'll fucking kill him.'

He felt like the biggest asshole in the world in that moment. This was horrific news and he felt ashamed for causing her to relive some of the worst moments of her life.

"Oh god, Sakura…" he whispered in disbelief.

Sakura suddenly looked back up to him with her brows furrowed and an angry look in her eyes.

"Don't pity me." she suddenly bit out, "That's exactly why I haven't told anyone. I don't want to be pitied or be treated differently."

Kakashi immediately held up his hands in defeat.

'She hasn't told anyone?!'

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to pity you. I'm just… Sakura…" he struggled to find his own words for this.

Then he started to feel angry at the fact that she was taken advantage of.

"How could he do that to you?!" he felt his anger grow, "Please tell me he's in prison!"

Sakura's angry expression dropped back into an unreadable one.

"Yes, he's in prison." she muttered as she glanced back down to her fisted hands, "He's gonna be there for a while, don't worry."

Kakashi felt a flare of irritation and anger and the sudden urge to wrap Sakura up and protect her from the world.

"Can you tell me what happened? Or is that too much?" he timidly asked next, "I don't want you to feel forced to talk about this. I want to be there for you. I-I'm… I'm just speechless."

Sakura glanced back up to him and considered the option.

'Can I even bring myself to tell him what happened in the first place?'

Could she really relive that moment over? She had worked so hard to store away any thoughts and feelings from that day. She didn't want to ever experience that level of helplessness again. She didn't want to remember how weak she used to be.

She was strong now though. She wasn't helpless anymore. She promised to never let herself show any weakness ever again. Being weak only got you hurt. Only got you taken advantage of. That's why she became a bodyguard when Tsunade scouted her. It was a job that never allowed for weakness, only strength.

She was able to ignore the world and her issues. Sakura had figured that after over four years, she had successfully put it past her. That was until she met and fell in love with Kakashi. Her boss. It had come rushing back so fast that she didn't have time to adjust or prepare for it.

Before she realized what she did, she nodded at him.

"I can tell you." she breathed out.

"Okay."

"But you can't interrupt me or say anything until I'm done."

"Okay."

'I can do this… I can trust him. Kakashi would never hurt me.' she internally reasoned as she tried to find every scrap of willpower to get through telling the man she loved her biggest secret.

"It happened five months after I got hired at Konoha Sacred Heart…" she began but stopped to take a deep breath as the memories she had worked so hard to store away came rushing back.

She reasoned that this was okay. It wasn't good to keep this all internalized like she had done. That telling Kakashi would help her finally begin to move forward. Move forward towards a happier life that she could share with this amazing man by her side. This was the first step towards a healthy recovery.

"His name was Sasori. He was my boss and head of toxicology there. He was the best boss I ever had at the time, if I'm going to be honest. He was an absolute genius in the field and he was only thirty two at the time! I was able to intern under him during my final year of college and that's how I was able to get hired in so quickly after graduation. We had gotten along so well…" she explained as she felt another set of tears come to her.

Sakura glanced over to see if Kakashi was still listening and he was. He was stark still and she saw that his fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles had turned sheet white. She knew he was angry, but knew that anger wasn't directed at her. Taking another deep breath, she willed herself to continue.

"Those five months were some of the best of my life. I was working in my dream field and making amazing money. I had some friends and a life. Sasori was literally my work best friend! Everything was perfect." she sighed at the fleeting memory of what her life used to be.

"Then one day Sasori asked me out on a date and I told him no, that I didn't feel that way towards him. I told him that I saw him only as a really good friend, my best friend. He started acting really different after that. He was moody and a lot more critical of my work. He even gave me extra work to do all the time, which I didn't mind. I was able to do it easily."

Sakura quickly wiped away the tears that kept coming out. She glanced back to Kakashi to gauge his reaction so far and found that his face was unreadable other than deep frown marring his handsome face.

'I'm so nervous…'

The pinkette closed her eyes clenched her fists as she began recalling the next part. The part where her life fell apart.

"One night I was working really late because of a huge case he assigned me…"

-flashback-

Standing up from her desk, Sakura walked into the lab to grab some papers she just printed off of results from her lab tests. Before getting a chance to turn around, she felt something strike the back of her head and the front of her body get slammed onto the table, pinned down hard next to the printer and her arms get yanked behind her.

"Hey! Get off me!" she yelled as she struggled to break free only to be met with another blow to the back of the head.

Sakura hissed in pain as her forehead bounced off the table below her. She instantly felt dizzy from how hard she'd been hit. She felt the wet of what she assumed was blood roll down her temple.

'What the hell?!'

"Stop! St-" she tried crying out but stopped with she felt something cold press against her throat.

"Stop struggling or you'll get hurt." came the low voice from behind her and she let out a gasp.

"Sa-sasori!? What are you doing? Let me go! This isn't funny!" she started struggling against him again, "This isn't a joke!"

The sudden sting of pain coming from the back of her neck caused her to stop and freeze. She felt something warm trickle down from the back of her neck and realized he had cut her and she was now bleeding.

'He's hurting me!'

"I said stop moving or you're going to get hurt. Really hurt." he repeated, but his voice was right next to her ear then, "Do as I say and that won't happen. If you struggle, it'll only cause you more pain. I will only cause you more pain."

Panic set in then. She felt herself grow dizzy as her heart raced faster. What was he trying to do? What point was he trying to make?

"Please, stop…" she begged as she felt tears prick at her eyes, "Why are you doing this?!"

A low chuckle vibrated against her back as she felt the hand that wasn't holding the scalpel to her throat begin to roam her body. Blunt fingers dug into her skin and she tried desperately to pull away from the unwelcome touch. Her mind kept screaming for her to run, but she was frozen in fear. She felt as more blood trickled down her next and a small pool form as it hit her cheek that was pressed against the table.

"I'm doing this to get what I deserve. And, since you won't give it to me willingly, I'm going to take it from you."

Sakura felt a shiver of fear run down her spine when she felt him move and her hands get tied together.

'Oh my god, I'm going to die…' she cried to herself.

"What do you mean?!" she cried out as she felt him hike up her skirt.

"You led me on for nearly a year and a half!" he growled as he roughly grabbed her thigh when she tried to wiggle away again, "You flirted with me and teased me with chances! Made me fall for you and then when I ask you to be mine, you turn me down?! What kind of whore are you?!"

A sob escaped her then. He had misread her signs of friendship.

"I never led you on! You're my friend, Sasori!" she reasoned as his hand slid under her panties and began tugging them down. She attempted to kick him as he did so.

"Liar!" he snapped and she felt him strike her in the back of the head again with his fist.

Sakura cried out in pain from the blow and felt as her vision got blurry for a second. The sound of a belt buckle being undone and a zipper being pulled down pulled her back to reality. Dread invaded every part of her.

"You can't deny me what should be mine any longer!" he whispered darkly next to ear and she flinched at the feeling of his hot breath against her skin, "I deserve this!"

She felt his hot tongue against her neck as he began trailing it over her exposed flesh. Causing her to begin to tremble uncontrollably.

"I'm not yours…" she cried softly, "You can't take what's not yours!"

The next second she felt him bit down on her neck and press himself against her and she started sobbing uncontrollably.

"Shut up, you little whore." he growled as he pressed the sharp blade against her throat again and pushed her entire body flush down against the table, "And, quit moving around! Or I'll make you bleed a lot more. The faster you let me do this, the faster I'll be happy."

Sakura sobbed as she felt the sting of a smack against her thighs and rough hands grip her bare hips.

"I said shut up!" He yelled as he slammed her thighs apart on the table. More pain shooting through her body. She heard a maniacal giggle escape him.

Sakura couldn't say anything as she continued crying against the table and then she felt the sudden excruciating pain as he entered her dry and her mind went blank as she realized he had stolen her safety and security. He had just stolen everything from her.

"Not as good as I hoped." she heard him groan as he finished, "But enough to get through for a little while. Until you realize what you're missing. You'll learn to love me, Sakura. This is only the beginning. Oh, and if you tell anyone about what happened here…"

-end flashback-

Kakashi sat there speechless as Sakura finished up retelling the brutal attack she experienced. He didn't know exactly what he was feeling. Anger? Sadness? Fury? Hurt?

He glanced up and found that Sakura looked absolutely exhausted and void of any emotion.

He reached over and wrapped both arms around her and pulled her onto his lap and settled them both back into the couch. He felt her tense up and then immediately relax in his hold as she curled into herself and buried her face into the crook of his neck.

"He told me after he was done that if I told anyone, he'd kill me. But I didn't care, I already felt dead. I ran and screamed for help shortly after he left me lying there in the lab."

Kakashi just held her closer as he felt more of her tears against his neck. He was on the brink of tears himself. For her to experience something as violating and painful as this, it was indescribable. He had never wished death upon a person or believed in the death penalty until now.

Now he wanted nothing more than for this man's life to end. He wanted nothing more than to make him suffer endlessly before offing him. He never thought of killing a man until now. He wanted to be the one who ended this man's life.

"He denied it when they arrested him and questioned him, but he was foolish. The fucking idiot didn't wear a condom." she bit out.

"Were you afraid of… you know?" he stammered as he looked to the floor.

Sakura scoffed as she wiped the tears away.

"Oh my god. Yes, I was. When they took me to the hospital, the doctors asked me so many questions. I remember barely getting out that he didn't use a condom. So, they tested me for STD's and they came back negative, thank god. I asked and they gave me a preventative to be extra safe. They may have washed away most of the physical evidence, but the emotional evidence is still fresh, I guess. Even after all this time."

Kakashi just screwed his eyes shut at the terrible images that came to him. He couldn't comprehend how she was able to go through this alone and how she managed to keep it to herself for over four years.

"He was also foolish and forgot that they had installed security cameras in all the labs at the beginning of the year, so the whole thing was caught on tape too. It was a quick and painful case for him. He got thirty five years to life and all his licenses taken away. The hospital gave me a settlement too, for "mental damages," but I couldn't go back there ever again."

"That's why you left your field?" he spoke for the first time since had asked his only question earlier.

He felt Sakura nod against him to say yes and he felt another wave of anger towards that man. He ruined her life because he got turned down and couldn't take no for an answer. He caused her to shell up and never get close to another person for fear of getting hurt again. He stole her sense of security because he felt entitled to her. She shut everyone and everything off and tried to forget her past and entered into a career where she wasn't allowed to be an individual, only a protector.

"Is that why you became a bodyguard?" he asked again.

He felt her nod again.

"I started taking all the self defense classes I could using the settlement money. I began going to the gym to get stronger so that no one could ever make me feel defenseless like that again. I got my concealed carry license and went to the shooting range every week to train my marksmanship." she explained her process of becoming the woman he knew today.

"I got scouted by Senju Security when they noticed me at the range a few times and Tsunade approached me. Offered me a job at the company as a bodyguard when I told her a very simplified version of what I just told you. I agreed and started right before my twenty third birthday."

He felt a sigh of relief leave Sakura as she approached the end of this emotional ride.

"And here you are today." he quietly spoke.

"And here I am today." she parroted back, "I continued to train hard as I worked and I quickly rose through the ranks for my ruthless and methodical tactics of getting the job done. I will admit, I think my anger towards Sasori and these people who wanted my clients dead fueled a lot of my wrath."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes as they both soaked in the comfort the other brought.

"I hate to say this, but if none of that had happened, I would've never met you." he whispered.

"My past is my past. It doesn't and shouldn't define my present or my future. I'm tired of letting this dictate what I do and how I lead my life. I'm so tired. Only I get to do that now. I'll no longer allow this to hold me back. All that matters is now and that my past just happened to lead me to you." she whispered back as she raised her left hand up and caressed his cheek softly.

Kakashi looked down to her and found her staring up to him with puffy eyes that were filled with warmth. Leaning down, he placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"You're right." he said as he hugged her closer, "But I want you to know that I will never ever hurt you in such a way, Sakura. It breaks me to know that you have suffered alone all these years. I know I'm your boss technically and I can totally see why you were so nervous when I told you about my feelings and why you still are. But, just know that I would never hurt you like that. I love you too much. I love you so damn much."

He felt Sakura kiss the edge of his jaw softly and a soft sigh leave him at the tender touch in response.

"I know. I'm so thankful for you. I love you." she whispered again, "That's why I tried so hard to put this behind me because I don't want to define my relationship with you. That's why I asked you to be patient with me."

"And I'll always be patient with you. You get to lead this relationship and you have total control. I'll gladly stick by your side as long as you'll let me. I'll always be there to take care of you, to hold you, and to protect you."

A small giggle left Sakura then and he looked down to her in confusion.

"Even though I'm the one protecting you right now." she teased, "But I get what you mean, darling."

Kakashi couldn't help but groan and roll his eyes at her and it only caused another giggle to leave her. He felt warmth invade him as Sakura slowly returned back to her usual normal self again.

They had grown so close over the last couple months, but he felt this brought them to another, deeper, level. She had never told another soul about this horrible time of her life and she trusted him enough to bare her deepest and darkest secret. He would never take that for granted.

He would never take her for granted.

Pulling back enough so he could lean down and pepper her cheek with kisses, he hummed in amusement as she started squirming and giggling even more at the affection.

"How about we be extra lazy today to bring in the New Year? Leave all this negative junk in this year?" he suggested when he finally pulled back from the loving assault.

"That sounds perfect." she replied.

"You're perfect." he shot back with a smirk.

It was her turn to groan and roll her eyes at him.

A/N: And now you guys know why Sakura is the way she is. I've had this idea since the conception of the story. It has possibly been the most difficult and triggering thing I've ever written. I've never written something so graphic before and like I said above, this chapter and that scene alone nearly caused me to quit writing this story. It took forever to write because I could only manage a couple paragraphs at a time before becoming overwhelmed. But I'm so glad I was able to do this and write this. I've come so far as a writer, even if it is just fanfiction.

If you could leave a review and hit follow that would be amazing. I've got some crazy and more insane drama coming soon! Next update will be in two weeks.

Thank you Taytay95 for helping me get through writing this and being such a strong beta and helping me when I was lost. She is such an amazing person and you guys need to go show her some love.