Chapter 5
She was sitting on Rachel's couch. She should have known that Rachel and Quinn would have talked since she'd talked to Quinn. It was Friday afternoon and Rachel was in the kitchen cooking, but not getting ready for her show. She'd taken the weekend off, telling the director that she needed a break. It wasn't tourist season really, so they let her with no issues. San wanted to be mad about it, but she knew that Rachel was doing it so that she could spend time with Quinn while she was in town.
Amazingly, Brittany hadn't called. She was afraid that both Rachel and Quinn knowing what happened, that someone would have slipped and told the other blonde. Thankfully, no one had, yet. And, she hoped to keep it that way. She still loved Brittany in her own way, but she wouldn't be able to see the hurt in the blonde's eyes if she came to New York to see her.
Kurt would have driven her insane and she was glad that they moved to LA to work on their fashions. New York wasn't the same without him, but it was a little less flamboyant for her. She loved the City. She loved her friends, but she didn't necessarily love her friends in the City.
She smelled something delicious coming from the kitchen and then realized that Rachel was making her famous vegan spaghetti. Now, that she was a Broadway star, she'd gone back to being mostly vegan. She slipped up sometimes, or if she was out, she ate cheese and milk. She still stayed away from meat and eggs. San applauded her for keeping to her ideals.
"You making your meatless balls, too?" Santana called out from the couch.
"I am."
"Good!"
"And, I've bought some Italian meatballs as well. You and Quinn will have to add them to your plates, because I'm not putting them in the sauce. I'll heat them up in my 'meat' pot just before I'm ready to serve. Is that okay?" Rachel asked her.
"You don't have to do that. I'll eat the others. I am sure that Quinn will too. She doesn't mind doing the vegetarian thing. Just give her some real cheese and she'll be okay."
"I got that, too."
"Cool," Santana replied.
Rachel checked her sauce and turned it down to simmer. She came out into the living room and sat down on the edge of the couch. She was facing Santana and she could tell that the little singer wanted to talk about something before Quinn got there. She knew that she wasn't going to be happy about it, so she figured that she would just talk around it until Rachel had to go back into the kitchen to check on the sauce.
"You know that you are going to have to tell her that you are staying here," Rachel told her.
"I'm sure she knows."
"San..."
"What?"
"She's your best friend. Don't shut her out. She's coming her for you, not for me," Rachel told her.
"I know that."
"Then be friendly."
"I am," San hissed as she reached forward for the remote.
She was channel surfing and she knew it. She was scared about Quinn coming. She wasn't exactly sure why, but then again she was. Quinn was her oldest friend. She had been friends with Quinn in elementary school. Brittany had come along in middle school. She remembered when Quinn was Lucy, but she never brought it up. It was like an unspoken rule between them. Sure, they had their fights, but it was mainly because they called each other out on their bullshit. They knew each other too well not to, and that is why Santana was scared about Quinn coming. She was afraid that Quinn would see through her carefully constructed facade. She wasn't ready for that. She wasn't sure that she would ever be ready for that.
She sighed as she heard the buzzer ring, alerting them that Quinn was downstairs. Because Berry was in the kitchen stirring her sauce, she went to the intercom and buzzed Quinn in. She knew that it would only be a few minutes before her friend was upstairs at Berry's door. She sighed again and walked back over to the couch. She'd unlocked the door before she'd gone back to sit down. She knew that Quinn was smart enough to let herself in.
Quinn came in a few moments later. She stopped beside the couch and dropped her bags. Santana wanted to laugh when she saw the Cheerios duffle bag out of the corner of her eye. She didn't. She just went back to channel surfing, hoping that something would catch her eye drown out the obvious want to talk.
Rachel came out and saw her standing there, but Santana saying nothing. She wiped her hands on towel and motioned for Quinn to come into the kitchen. Quinn stood there awkwardly until Rachel handed her a glass of red wine.
"She doesn't wnat me here," Quinn muttered.
"She doesn't want to be here."
"Has she completely shut down?" Quinn asked.
"Almost."
"Why didn't you call me sooner?"
"It wasn't my place. I've been doing what I can for her. She's basically living here, now. I'm afraid what she will do to herself if she's left alone for too long."
"It's that bad," Quinn questioned as she leaned out to look at her Latina friend.
"I don't know if it is or not. She won't talk to anyone about it. Her boss is trying the case. Her friends are keeping it close to the chest so no one knows it was her that was attacked, but that will only be quiet for so long. She says that she wanted to be alone, that's she's coping, but she ends up in my bed with me every night, cuddling and crying. I know that she has this badass persona that she fronts, but we all know that she wears her heart on her sleeve, Quinn. I don't know what else to do for her. When she told me that you were coming, I was hoping for a miracle, but seeing her out there..."
"I'll talk to her. I don't know what good it'll do, but I'll do what I can. Besides, I have some news for you both. I don't know if it'll be good news or not, but still..."
"At this point, I'm willing to try anything."
"Let's eat and then, I'll talk to her. I'm assuming that I'm going to be in the guest room again," Quinn stated and Rachel nodded. "Let me go put my stuff up and I'll get her to the table. Hopefully she'll eat something."
"I hope so," Rachel said.
Quinn did as she said she would. She took her bags to the guest room. On her way back, she stopped in front of the TV and motioned for Santana to come with her to table. Santana glared at her, but turned the TV off and followed her to the dining area.
Rachel had already served up the plates. She handed them both some regular meatballs. Quinn took a few, but Santana didn't. Quinn watched her. Her eyes never leaving Santana as they ate. The more she saw of her friend, the more worried she became.
Rachel tried several times to start a conversation, but Santana never took the bait. She stayed quiet. She ate her food, which was better than she normally did. And, for that Rachel was grateful. Her depression was obvious and they were trying, but short of forcing to see a councelor again, they knew that she wouldn't go on her own. Rachel hoped that Quinn's presence and hopefully her news would be the push that Santana needed.
"Quinn?"
"Hmm?" she replied over a bite of food.
"You said that you had some news to tell us," Rachel started.
Santana actually looked up at this. She looked over her friend and squinted slightly. It was like she was trying to decide if she was going to like the news before Quinn even told them. Quinn saw this, but decided to tell her anyway. She knew that Santana would question her...more like grill her about the reasons why later, but for now, it would be good to share it.
"I got accepted at Columbia for their doctoral program and I'll be moving to the City by the end of the season. They want me to teach classes, too. I guess being Yale grad with a Masters in Fine Arts from Harvard made me too good to let go. I'm going to need a place to stay while I look for a place near the school. I want to be as close as possible, but who knows in this market? I might be shacking up with your for a while, Rach," Quinn finished with a laugh.
Santana was still staring at her. This was odd news. Quinn was the one that surprised them all when she got to Yale and got her degree in Drama and Literature. She pushed herself to get her Master's at Harvard and stayed in Boston where she'd been writing her books. Going for her doctorate wasn't something that had even discussed. Moving to New York wasn't even on the landscape and now, Quinn was going to be in town. After everything, New York was bringing them back together.
"That's great, Quinn," Rachel told her.
"Good job, Q," Santana actually told her as she pushed back from the table. "I'm going to lay down. Thanks for dinner, Rach."
They watched her go. Quinn's heart sank. She looked over at Rachel and could see the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
"Let's clean up and then I'll go check on her," Quinn told her.
After everything was cleaned up in the kitchen and the leftovers separated to "Carnivore" and a dated container for Rachel's fridge, Quinn looked back over at the table. They'd finished another bottle of wine, but Santana had hardly drank any. Instead, she'd opted for water. It wasn't a flag in Quinn's eyes, but it gave her pause. She knew how San liked a good wine with dinner. She had since high school.
Rachel pointed towards her bedroom when they were done. Quinn nodded and headed for the room. She stopped at the door and knocked. When she didn't get an answer, she slowly opened the door. Santana wasn't in the bed. She wasn't anywhere in the room that Quinn could see. And, then she heard it. It was a sound that she knew all too well.
She walked quickly to the bathroom after shutting and locking Rachel's bedroom door. She found Santana hanging on the toilet. She immediately dropped to her knees and pulled back San's hair. She knew that San wouldn't meet her eyes. Instead, she quickly tied it up San's hair. She stood up and tore through Rachel's vanity. She found a hair tie and a wash cloth. She wet the cloth and set it on the edge of the vanity, but within hand reach. She used the hair tie to keep San's hair up, putting it in a messy bun. She didn't say anything. She just dropped beside her, rubbing her back and trying to let her know that she was there for her. When San finally backed up a little, Quinn grabbed the wash cloth and handed it to San. Their eyes met.
"San..."
"No."
"Talk to me."
"No."
"San..."
"No."
"So, this is healthier?"
"No."
"Then, let me help."
"Why are you here?"
Quinn looked taken aback. She couldn't believe that San would ask her that. She'd told her that she was coming for the weekend. She hadn't told Santana her news on the phone the other day because things hadn't been finalized and she was honestly still on the fence about it. After talking to Santana and what little she did talk to Rachel about everything, she made her decision. She hadn't lied to Santana when she said that she could work from anywhere. She had a very healthy back account, thanks to her finance classes, but she wanted to be closer to the Santana. Boston was nice, but it was getting lonely now that she wasn't really in school. Trips around the country for book signings and tours were nice, but she wanted to be nearer her friends. Berry included.
"I told you on the phone that I was coming to check on you myself."
"Well, now, you've seen me. You can go. I'm fine. Just stressed. I'll be okay in a few minutes."
"San..."
"No."
"Stay with me tonight, in the other room. Talk to me. I'm not leaving until I know that you are going to be okay. We're family, San. I love you."
That was the straw that broke her. Santana couldn't hold back anymore. She broke and Quinn was there to catch her.
"Come on. Let's get you cleaned up and then we'll go into the guest room. I know that you won't tell Berry everything, but I'm here for you, San. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on in that pretty head of yours. Don't shut us all out. We want you to be okay. We need you to be okay."
Santana wiped her mouth with the cloth and then looked at Quinn. Her dark eyes met Quinn's green-hazel and held. She could see the truth in her eyes. Slowly, she turned her body a little bit towards Quinn. She sank further to the tiled floor. Her back against the vanity, she reached out for Quinn's hand.
Quinn knew what it meant for her to do that. She knew what it took Santana to ask for help. She knew, but she was the same way. They were the HBICs. They ruled everything. Nothing ever got to them. Or if it did, no one could ever know. They weren't allowed to show weakness. And, it was that facade that they had created that caused so much turmoil, pain, and suffering for them both. Quinn got over it with her car wreck. San started cracking with her divorce from Brittany, but she never fully broke. Quinn saw the cracks and they spent the summer together in Cambridge, drinking and partying like they had nothing to lose. Then, school started back up. Quinn went back to Harvard and Santana went back to Columbia for her juris doctorate. They went their ways and the facade started healing for Santana. The cracks were sealed. She threw herself into her studies and then in her case work at the DA's office. Quinn started writing. After everything with Puck, she just hadn't been ready to date, so she hadn't.
"Come on," Quinn said as she pulled Santana up.
She cleaned her up again. Pulling her hair down, she made her look presentable. Going back into the bedroom, she let Santana change. She pulled out a Louisville cheer shirt and a pair of Cheerio sweats. They were both getting threadbare, but Quinn knew that they were comfort clothes. Tonight was going to be a long night for them both, so she wanted Santana as relaxed as she could be.
They unlocked the room and walked across the loft to Rachel's other bedroom. Quinn waved Rachel off and told her that they'd talk in the morning. Rachel just nodded and told them both goodnight.
Once in the other room, Quinn changed quickly. She ushered Santana into the bed, and then got up behind her. San turned on her side, away from Quinn, but facing the bathroom. Quinn could tell that it wasn't just a defensive gesture. It hurt, but she became the big spoon as she held her friend. She hoped that comforting her would get the dialogue going, but she wasn't stupid. If Santana didn't want to talk, she wouldn't. Quinn would just have to be patient.
"I am tired of all the stress, Q."
"I'm sure you are. Have you seen anyone? Have you talked to anyone else about it?"
"Only the shrink, twice because Alex made me before she'd let me work again."
"And, you didn't think about going back?"
"He couldn't help me, Q."
"Why not?"
"He didn't understand. Hell, I don't understand. How could I ask him to help me?"
"You talk to him. That is what he gets paid to do. I am sure that it was crisis counselor, too, wasn't it?"
"Yeah."
"San...you need to talk to someone if you want talk to us. Maybe talking to someone you don't know will help. I know it helped me at Yale. I didn't feel like I was being judged by someone who already knew me. I pushed passed so much stuff I didn't realize I was carrying."
"Like Beth and your parents?"
"Yeah."
"It helped?"
"A lot," Quinn admitted.
"Alex and Liv gave me a card."
"For someone?"
"Yeah, he used to work for the FBI. He's offering to help me pro bono. And, off official books because he knows how it might look. I don't know if I want to go see him, though."
"Just try. For me. For Rachel. Hell, most of all for yourself."
"I'm scared, Q."
"I know, S. I would be, too, but Berry and I are here to help. I'll move up sooner if you want. I'll stay with you if you want to go back to your place."
"I'm not scared about that."
"Then what?"
"I can't stop being sick. I don't feel like I'm loosing weight, but I feel bad all the time. Sometimes just the smell of food sets me off. I've been sick at work, but I've been hiding it from Alex. If Rachel knew how much I've puked, I doubt she'd let me out of her sight."
Quinn took a deep breath. She didn't want to scare the Latina, but she was about to ask her some really hard questions. Questions that she didn't want to ask, but she needed to. She needed to know, so she could help Santana better.
"San?"
"Yeah?"
"When was your last period?"
"Ew...really? Q? What does that matter?"
"Just answer the question, San."
"A week before the show."
"San, you realize that it was like nine weeks ago, right?"
San's body tensed in her arms. She knew that Santana was trying to calculate things in her head, so she gave her a few minutes. When she didn't say anything else, she pushed just a little bit more.
"San," Quinn started.
"Yeah?"
"Did they give the Plan B pill at the hospital?"
"Yeah."
"Did you take it?"
"Well, no. I didn't think that I'd actually been raped. And, I'm Catholic. You know how I feel about that, Q. I couldn't. I just..."
"Shh...it's okay. We'll go to the store in the morning. We'll check here and then go to a doctor to confirm, okay? We'll deal with this together. Okay? We don't have to tell Berry."
"What do I do if I am, Q? I don't know how to be a mother. Hell, I am not even sure that I want kids, you know? And, to have a kid like this..."
"Shh...we'll deal with that tomorrow. Tonight, we sleep. We talk. We rest. Tomorrow, we'll deal with whatever happens. I'm not going to leave you, San. I know..."
"I know...thank you."
"You're family, San. We take care of each other. Now, go to sleep. I'll keep the bogey man away," Quinn told her as she started to run her fingers through her dark hair.
It only took a few moments before Santana passed out. Quinn wasn't sure if it was from fatigue or her mental state, but either way she was actually sleeping. She held her and promised to protect her. Quinn would continue to do that, and the baby if she had to, until Santana told her to leave. She knew all too well what it was like to be alone and pregnant.