A/N: Tissue warning here! I wrote it and it made me tear up! But this chapter is unavoidable. As always, never worry, my stories always end happily.

Crash

Chapter 10: Beautiful Child

1158 Local

Rabb Residence

Reston, VA

Present Day...

Harm closed the door behind him and then leaned against it. The day wasn't even half over, and he felt more exhausted than he had…oh, who was he kidding. He was always exhausted to some extent. He slept, but it often took hours to fall asleep and then it would be fraught with dreams. The hell of it was the dreams were beautiful. Mac would be there, loving him, sometimes large with his child, sometimes erotically nude. Sometimes the dreams were of him just walking on the beach with her, their little girl between them, holding both their hands.

Seeing Mac today had been wonderful and horrible and devastating. Part of him couldn't believe she still wanted the divorce. He thought perhaps she'd gain some perspective during her time spent across the ocean, but he should have known that wouldn't happen. Not in his world.

Harm thought for a moment about going for a run. He often did that after work, finding that running to the point of absolute physical exhaustion was the one thing that might give him a peaceful slumber. Today, however, he couldn't muster up the motivation. He didn't exactly want to wallow in misery, but he supposed that was inevitable. Finding he couldn't even bother to go upstairs and change out of his uniform. Instead, he stretched out on the couch, letting memories of the day they'd lost Meggie fill his mind.

Flashback…

"Have I ever told you how cute you look in your new uniforms?" Harm stepped into the bathroom and wrapped his arms around Mac from behind, letting one hand drop down on her rounded belly. She had just changed into the maternity wear last week, finally no longer able to wear the standard uniform. He grinned as she scowled in the mirror.

"Cute? Lord, you'd think they could make these a little more than 'cute'." Harm's smiled widened. He would never consider Mac vain, but he knew she enjoyed looking stylish, even in her marine greens. Finally, she shrugged in his arms. "Oh, well. They still look better than navy maternity uniforms, but don't tell Harriet I said that." She turned in his arms then and lightly kissed his lips. "I suppose we'd better go. Don't forget, we have our appointment at 1000, okay?"

"I got it. I'll come by your office when it's time to go. I'm so glad Admiral Chegwidden is so lenient when it comes to going to your appointments with you."

"He's really been great, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, he has. We're really lucky, aren't we?"

"That we are, Harm. That we are."

Present Day...

Harm's eyes pricked with tears as he remembered their conversation. Luck, he snorted. Maybe he was a lucky man once, but no longer. His luck had changed the moment the admiral sent Sturgis TAD. He'd inherited Sturgis' UA case, thus causing him to miss what would end up being Mac's last appointment for Meggie.

What Harm wouldn't give to have been able to hear Meggie's heartbeat one more time…

Harm squeezed his eyes shut, knowing it was inevitable that he'd once again be reliving the most horrible day of his life. Though he wanted to, he couldn't stop the memories of that day from washing over him, and so, as he always did, he gave in.

Flashback…

Harm burst through the ER doors, frantically scanning the lobby for anyone that could help him find Mac. The reception desk was obscured by a throng of people and Harm had to fight the urge to shove them all aside. Didn't they know he needed to get to his Sarah?

After what seemed like an eternity, though it was only about two minutes, the group of people finally dispersed, and Harm approached the nurse behind the desk with barely controlled urgency.

"My, ah, wife was brought here…car accident…" he sputtered out, while the nurse merely gazed at him calmly.

"Name?" she asked, her fingers poised over her computer keyboard.

"Uh…Mac…I mean Sarah…Lt. Colonel Sarah Rabb. She was in a car accident…she's pregnant."

The nurse nodded as she began typing, while Harm drummed his fingers in the counter. He was distracted by the double doors next to him sliding open, and as they whisked shut again, he heard the faint sounds of someone sobbing. His heart clenched with sympathy as he turned back to the nurse currently looking for Mac.

"Okay," she said after a moment. "She's in Trauma Bay 2."

"Can I go to her?" he asked and was dismayed when the nurse shook her head.

"I'm sorry, sir…I'll need to check on that first."

Harm did his best not to snap at her as she picked up the phone and spoke to someone. He heard Mac's name, the word 'husband,' and then she put down the receiver.

"Commander Rabb, I'm going to have you take a seat and a nurse will be out in a moment to talk to you."

"Is she…is she going to be okay?" Harm gulped, and the nurse gave him a sympathetic smile.

"I'm sorry, sir. I wasn't told anything regarding your wife's condition. Lt. Ames will be out momentarily and she can answer your questions."

Harm closed his eyes and nodded. He knew he had no choice but to wait, but it was killing him. He stepped away from the desk and slowly sank down into the nearest empty chair, his heart clenching and his body tense in his need to get to Mac. She had to be okay. Meggie had to be okay. He couldn't lose the two people he loved most in this world.

About five minutes later, he looked up to see a young lieutenant standing over him. "Commander Rabb?" Harm nodded and stood up, searching the woman's face for any inkling about what he would be facing.

"I'm Lt. Ames, one of the nurses caring for your wife. You can come back now."

"How's Mac, uh, Colonel Rabb…my wife."

"Colonel Rabb's injuries are not life-threatening. She has a fractured wrist and a laceration to her forehead— "

"And the ba— "

"Dr. Montes will be out to talk to you in a moment," she interrupted, and then stopped them by a small consultation room. "Have a seat and I'll let him know you're here."

Harm wanted to scream in frustration. He just wanted to see Mac. He needed to see Mac.

"Lieutenant, please…just take me to my wife, I— "

That's when he heard the sound that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Someone was sobbing…wailing, really, and her cries were the gut-wrenching sobs of grief and endless pain. They shattered Harm's heart, and he knew in that moment there would forever be a piece of him missing…

Because the woman sobbing was Mac…

"Mac?" Harm frantically scanned the ER department, and when he located Mac's room, he broke away from the nurse and threw open the sliding glass doors of the ER bay.

"Mac? Baby?"

Mac was facing away from him, huddled on the gurney, her shoulders heaving with her sobs. Harm ran to her, and when he touched her shoulder, she turned and threw herself into his arms. The only thing he could make out between her broken cries was, "She's gone. She's gone. She's gone…"

Harm sat next to Mac's bed, her hand held limply in his, his mind numb with shock. Mac was finally asleep, and he prayed she'd stay that way for a long while; she had so much yet to go through and she needed every bit of strength she could gather.

Harm still wondered if he might yet wake up and find out this was all a dream.

He prayed he might wake up and find out this was all a dream…

He knew better, though.

The sound of Mac's cries still echoed in his ears. The sound of her telling him their baby, their Meggie, had died echoed down to his soul.

Harm brushed fresh tears aside. He cried silently, desperate not to wake Mac, nearly jumping when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Seeing it was Admiral Chegwidden, he realized then that he hadn't called his CO to give him an update on the plan for Mac. He hadn't called his parents to tell them their granddaughter had died. He pulled his phone out but couldn't bring himself to answer. He knew he couldn't hide from things for long; he needed to request leave time for both him and Mac…he needed…

"Harm? Son?"

Startled again, Harm looked up into the concerned eyes of Admiral Chegwidden.

"What's happening?" he whispered, and Harm could only blink at him, his mind on what they were about to go through.

"Can we step out for a moment?" the admiral finally asked, and though he didn't want to leave Mac's side, Harm knew he had to unburden himself. He nodded silently, lifted Mac's hand to his lips for a soft kiss, then gently set it down before slowly standing to follow the older man out of the room.

"Have a seat, Harm," Admiral Chegwidden had led him to a small alcove down the hall from Mac's room and practically pushed him down onto a faux-leather sofa. He sat down on the opposite end, while Harm tried to get the words out.

Meggie's dead. Meggie's dead. Meggie's dead. Meggie's dead.

"Harm?"

"Sir…s-sir…Meg—the b-baby…"

"Tell me, son."

"Meggie didn't make it," he choked out.

"Oh, Harm…I know, son."

And then Harm was crying in his CO's arms.

Several minutes later, Harm had gotten himself back together. The admiral had gone to get them both some coffee that he insisted on Harm having before he returned to Mac's side, and Harm knew his CO would try to to get him to eat something as well. Harm didn't know how he'd be able to choke anything down, but he needed to be strong for Mac, so he'd do his best.

Speaking of Mac…

"She's still sleeping, son; I just checked on her." Admiral Chegwidden was at his side again, and sure enough, along with the coffee, the older man had a granola bar for him too. "Eat," he said as Harm accepted the admiral's offerings.

Harm nodded absently with a murmured 'thank you' and sipped at his coffee until AJ grabbed the granola bar back and opened it. He shoved it back into Harm's hand and once again ordered him to eat.

"What's going to happen now?" AJ asked after Harm had managed to choke down half of his snack.

Harm pinched the bridge of his nose as he set his coffee down on a little table next to them. "Um, they've given her something to induce labor. They told her she could take a bit to, I don't know, get used to the idea, but she wanted to get things going."

"How long do they think it'll take?"

Harm shrugged. "Not sure. It could be a while." He honestly wasn't sure if he wanted things to happen quickly or not. He didn't want to prolong things for Mac, but he didn't want to face his silent daughter either.

"Are your parents on their way?"

Shit. "I haven't even called them," Harm admitted, rubbing his hand over his tired face. He waited for the admiral to admonish him for his procrastination, but instead, the man actually offered to call them himself.

"Thank you, sir, but I should do it myself. Could you tell the JAG staff, though? Or at least tell Bud and Harriet…I'm sure they can take care of notifying the rest of the office."

"Of course, son. I'll call the Roberts', and I'll take care of telling everyone else too."

Harm nodded his thanks and took a few more swallows of his now tepid coffee before slowly rising. "Well, I suppose I'd better call mom and dad and then get back to Mac, sir." He tossed his cup and the granola wrapper into the nearby trash can before turning back to his CO.

"Thank you, sir, for everything."

"You're welcome…and son, I know it's inadequate, but I'm so damn sorry." The admiral's voice broke a bit, and he took a deep breath. "Tell Mac…tell her I'm sorry too, and if either of you need anything…"

"I will, sir."

The admiral clapped Harm on the shoulder, then left him to face the grim task of telling his parents about their already much-loved granddaughter.

Harm stepped back into Mac's room, noting that while she appeared to still be asleep, she moved restlessly within the bed. Her brow was furrowed, and he watched with sadness as her hand dropped down to her still-rounded belly. Harm blinked back more tears as he thought about the little girl who had moved beneath his hand just this morning. He'd been shocked that he could actually feel it and he remembered sharing that sweet moment with his smiling, happy wife, not having any idea that his world was about to be utterly shattered…by someone who'd decided to have one too many cocktails at lunch. The police had told him they'd picked the man up, and it was all Harm could do not to go and pummel the young Mitchell Severson, III to death. Probably the only thing stopping him was the fact that Mac needed him.

Harm sat down once again in the chair by Mac's bed and took the hand resting on her stomach in his. He watched as her eyelids fluttered open, the grief so clear in her luminous brown eyes.

"Hey, sweetheart," he whispered, pressing his lips against her knuckles. A tremor went through her that ended in a soft groan as she shifted in the bed.

"Is it…is it starting to hurt, honey?"

Mac bit her lip and shook her head. "No, it's just crampy…like a bad period."

Harm nodded, though he had no idea what a "bad" period entailed, watching her as she grimaced and rolled over on her side to face him. She curled up a little around her belly, her eyes filling with tears as she tensed again.

"H-Harm?" she asked plaintively.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

Her next words broke the last remaining shards of his heart.

"It wasn't just a dream, was it?"

Tears slipped down his cheeks. "No, baby, it wasn't."

Her beautiful face crumpled and her whole body was once again wracked with sobs, while all Harm could do was crawl in beside her and let her cry against his chest…and wonder what he had done to deserve this bottomless, soul-crushing pain.

It was over. Meggie had been born, baptized by the hospital chaplain, and after some hours, had been taken away by the funeral home. They planned to bury her near Bud and Harriet's Baby Sarah, and his mother had already volunteered to plan the funeral with Harriet's assistance. Both he and Mac had held their daughter, their perfect, beautiful little girl, and when his parents arrived, they each held and wept over the little being that would have brought so much joy to them all.

Admiral Chegwidden had surprised Harm by picking up his mother and stepfather at the airport, his CO having called the Burnetts just after Harm to offer his services. He'd escorted them up to Mac's room, then surprised Harm further by asking to see the baby. The former Navy SEAL shed a tear and even held her for moment, then tried to take his leave. The chaplain had just arrived, however, and Mac tearfully asked Admiral Chegwidden to stay for the baptism. He agreed, standing silently by Harm's mother as the chaplain went through the sacrament. Now, some hours later, his mother was staying with Mac, who had finally accepted pain medications and something to help her sleep, while Harm went back to the house with Frank to pick up some things for them both.

After packing a small bag, Harm found himself standing in the doorway of his daughter's nursery. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he stepped inside and picked up a little stuffed bear dressed in the frilliest pink gown from the crib he'd lovingly put together. He fingered the ribbon around the animal's neck as tears slipped once again down his cheeks. The bear was ridiculous in its cuteness, and Mac had teased him mercilessly about it when he'd brought it home one day after work. He'd named the bear Sarah, but he'd kept that to himself…until that night when he'd first set it in Meghan's crib…

Flashback…

"Here you go, Sarah-bear. Meggie's gonna love you, I know it. Her mom might be a kickass jarhead, but she's gonna be a little princess just like you. Daddy's little princess…"

"Sarah-bear?"

Harm whipped around to find Mac standing in the doorway, watching him. She wasn't smiling, but her brown eyes danced with amusement. Harm grinned at her sheepishly, then set the bear down in the corner of the crib. He walked over to his wife and rested his hands on her hips.

"Yeah…I named her after you." He leaned in to kiss her nose.

"Because I'm so soft and cuddly and like frilly things?" Harm shook his head and pulled her closer.

"No, sweetie, because you're really a princess too. You just happen to wear combat boots instead of glass slippers." He kissed her on the lips then and she responded, resting her head on his shoulder when they broke apart.

"It's been a while since I've worn combat boots," she said, sounding a little subdued. Harm was immediately concerned.

"Does it bother you, Mac? That you won't be going out on investigations like before?"

She didn't answer right away, and of course, Harm grew even more concerned. He drew back so he could look her in the eye. "Sarah?"

She gave a little sigh along with a sad smile, and Harm's heart sank a little.

"I guess I do miss it…being a judge certainly doesn't have the same level of excitement, but—"

"God, I'm sorry, Mac. I—" Her fingers came up then to rest on his mouth, stopping him from speaking further.

"Let me finish, Harm. I'll miss the investigations…but I'm so excited for this next phase of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything…I love being a judge and I…I love you, Harm." Mac blushed as she spoke those last words and Harm wondered at that. She always seemed so shy whenever she told him she loved him, as if he might not return her affection. Considering he was actually the first to say the words, it confused him a little. He vowed he would do everything he could to convince her that she was his everything.

"I love you too, sweetheart." The two of them kissed again, and then Mac surprised him by laughing joyously.

"And I love our baby and I'm so excited to be a mom!" She threw her arms around him, and Harm couldn't help picking her up and spinning her around. She giggled a most un-marine-like manner, and he joined in, feeling happier than anyone had a right to be. When he set her back down again, she leaned back and her smile softened.

"Harm, I'm no princess…"

He captured her lips again in a quick peck. "Yes, you are. That's what Sarah means…'princess'."

Back in the present, Harm brought the bear to his cheek, soaking the velvety fabric of it with his tears. Moments later, he felt Frank come up beside him. His stepfather didn't say anything, merely resting his hand in Harm's shoulder, but Harm took comfort in his stolid presence.

Harm did his best to get himself under control; he wanted to get back to Mac as soon as possible, but he couldn't seem to tear himself away from the nursery he and Mac had lovingly prepared for their daughter in the last couple of weeks. It was with shock that he realized it had actually been less than a week since he'd brought home Sarah-bear. It seemed so long ago, especially since all he could see ahead of him now were years and years of grief, years where his Meghan should have been by his side, years where he should have been lamenting the fact that she was growing up too fast, years where he would have watched her grow into the very picture of her mother.

Even as small and underdeveloped as his daughter had been, he could see Mac in her…her chin, her nose, the shape of her mouth. She was beautiful and tiny and—

"She was smaller than my hand," Harm said as he turned toward his stepfather.

"Yes, she was." Frank answered quietly.

"Mac…she-she wouldn't take anything for pain…not even when it got really bad…she cried for me, but I couldn't do anything for her. I just sat there and held her hand…I'd have taken all of her pain…"

"I know you would have, Harm, and she knows that too."

Harm shrugged and looked down at his hand. Meggie had indeed been smaller than it, practically fitting entirely in his palm. He'd counted all of her dainty fingers and toes, admired the curve of her precious ear, noting it too came from Mac, and marveled at her almost translucent skin. She was perfect. Utterly perfect.

So why had it all ended like this? Why was this child, who had been loved and wanted from the start, taken from them before she even had a chance to live?

"Did you see her, Dad?" he asked suddenly, even though of course, Frank had seen Meggie, had even held her.

"I did, son."

"Wasn't she beautiful?" His voice, full of tears, cracked.

"Oh, she was, Harm."

"Why, Dad?"

"Oh, son, I don't know," Frank answered as he drew Harm into an embrace. Harm held on tight as they both cried.

"Can I get you anything, Mac?" Harm asked as they stepped into the house. Mac had been released that morning, having had to stay an extra two days due to some bleeding issues that had developed several hours after Meggie's birth. She'd ended up needing a blood transfusion and though her labs looked better, she was still terribly pale and oh-so-exhausted looking.

"I think I just want to lie down for a while," she answered softly, and Harm nodded.

"Of course, sweetheart. I'll help you get settled and then I'll get the rest of our things from the car."

"I'll be fine, Harm. You go ahead and do what you need to do." She spoke dully and Harm knew he couldn't leave her alone like this.

"Everything will keep, honey…I just…I just want to be with you."

To his relief, she gave him the barest of smiles and allowed him to escort her up the stairs. With concern, he noted her wincing on occasion as she walked with him.

"Mac, sweetheart…what hurts?" I should ask what doesn't hurt.

"Nothing, really. I'm just feeling…empty."

"Oh," he said, because he couldn't think of anything else to say. He felt empty too.

It was later that afternoon and Harm was just about to go check on Mac when a little box caught his eye. It was pink and trimmed with lace, and he knew exactly what was inside of it…

Pictures of Meggie, alone and with her family holding her.

Imprints of her little feet set in plaster.

The tiny dress she wore in the photos, made by a volunteer, as well as the tiniest of booties.

A little bear and a minuscule bracelet with her name spelled out in beads.

The hospital had provided the keepsake box so they'd always have something of Meggie. Harm appreciated it, though he hadn't yet looked in it. With a little trepidation he stepped over to it. He gently lifted the lid and gazed inside, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat as he brushed a finger over the white silk dress. He picked up the tiny frame that held her picture, feeling the tears slide down his face once again. The little bear inside looked up trustingly at him and he decided he'd put Meggie's Sarah-bear in with it to keep it company.

Harm wondered if the contents of the box would ever be looked upon without this wash of grief. He doubted it, but he was glad they had it all the same. He was sure Mac would think so too.

"Harm?"

Harm turned to see Mac standing in the doorway of the kitchen. She looked a little less tired but no less shattered, and Harm did his best to compose himself. He brushed the last remnants of tears aside and gave Mac what he hoped was a comforting smile.

"Hey, sweetheart. Feeling better?" The question was asked out of habit; it's what one asked after someone arose from a nap, but he cringed inwardly at those useless words. Apparently, Mac found them trite as well, for her face darkened and her eyes glowed with unshed tears.

"No, do you?" she snapped, then immediately became contrite. "I'm sorry," she whispered, looking away from him.

"Honey, it's all right." He stepped over to her and lifted her chin. He brushed a tear away with his thumb, then tucked a strand of unruly hair behind her ear. "It's alright," he repeated, then kissed her forehead, just below the nasty gash she'd gotten in the accident. Her left arm, casted now, rested in a sling against her now flat stomach, and Harm once again choked back tears. He had to be strong for Mac now; he could cry later.

"How 'bout I make up a small snack for us to tide us over until dinner? Mom's bringing dinner over around six."

"Oh, Harm…I don't think I could eat anything."

"Mac, sweetie, just try. You need to—"

"I know, Harm. I'll, uh, do my best."

Harm pulled Mac into his embrace. "I know you will, honey." He held her close for several seconds, and then his eyes drifted over to Meggie's memory box. He pulled away from his wife and motion toward it. "Mac, sweetheart, did you see the box they made for Meggie? It's got her little dress, pictures, a bracelet—"

"I need to use the bathroom, Harm." She left his arms and walked away, leaving Harm alone with his grief.

End Chapter 10